- How Veterans Find Purpose in Fatherhood
This episode is dedicated to and about military dads. If you’re actively serving or a veteran and you’re trying to find purpose and balance in fatherhood, you’re going to want to stick around for this episode. My guest will share his story and journey from being a soldier to being a veteran dad.
Joseph Peck is a successful Vice President, Financial Adviser and father. But before that he was a soldier and he’s here to share his journey into fatherhood.
To learn more about Joseph Peck or connect with him.
Email: josephgpeck@gmail.com
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/joseph-peck-a81932116/
Special thanks to InGenius Prep for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. To learn more about InGenius Prep or to claim your free consultation, visit: https://ingeniusprep.com/get-a-free-consultation/?utm_campaign=2024+Podcast+Email+Marketing&utm_content=Fatherhood+Podcast&utm_medium=Fatherhood+Podcast&utm_source=Fatherhood+Podcast&utm_term=Fatherhood+Podcast
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Transcription - How Veterans Find Purpose in Fatherhood
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This episode is dedicated to and about military dads.
If you're actively serving or a veteran and you're trying to find purpose and balance in fatherhood,
you're gonna want to stick around for this episode.
My guest will share his story and journey from being a soldier to being a veteran dad in just a moment so don't go anywhere.
Before we begin, I'd like to thank our proud sponsor of this episode and the Fatherhood Challenge in Genius Prep.
In Genius Prep is the world's premier admissions consulting firm, proud to be officially recognized as the country's top college admissions consultants.
Helping students prepare for admissions to top schools through individualized educational programs that increase chances of admission by up to 10 times.
In Genius Prep students work with former admission officers to differentiate themselves from other competitive students in three areas colleges evaluate students.
In academics, extra curricular activities and personal characteristics.
Just this past admission cycle, Genius Prep students have secured 110 offers from Ivy League schools, 268 offers,
from top 20 schools, and 904 offers from top 50 schools.
In Genius Prep's student success lies within the fact that in Genius Prep is an all-in-one consulting firm
offering every service a family needs, whether it be test prep, tailored candidacy, building mentorship, academic mentorships,
the leadership and innovation lab, soft skills courses, writing courses and other customized programs to develop their application persona to the most effective and authentic extent to share with colleges.
Just click on the link in the episode description to book a free strategy call with one of Genius Prep's college experts.
Or you can visit in Genius Prep.com that's in Genius Prep.com and let them know you came from the Fatherhood Challenge.
Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge, a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere to take great pride in their role and to challenge society to understand how important fathers are to the stability and culture of their families environment.
Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.
Greetings everyone, thank you so much for joining me. My guest is Joseph Peck. Joseph is a successful vice president and financial advisor and father, but before that he was a soldier and he's here to share his journey to Fatherhood.
Joseph, thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge.
Hey, it's my pleasure, Jonathan. Thank you for having me.
Joseph, what is your favorite dad joke?
I have been telling this joke even before I was a father when I was in high school, I was giving a presentation and the computer stopped working, the PowerPoint stopped working and it was me and my partner working on the presentation, standing up there, staring at about 60 adults.
And I pulled this joke out and it has never ceased to fail me. It is hands down my favorite dad joke, so this is the way it goes.
There are two muffins in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, oh my gosh, we're in an oven.
The second muffin looks at the other one and says, oh my god, you're a talking muffin.
[Laughter]
Yeah, that is awesome.
Thank you. Thank you for sharing that with us.
I love that the way this show starts, so thank you.
So Joseph, please share your story from what made you want to join the military and what was your experience like while you were in?
Absolutely. I wanted to join the military pretty early on since I was in early teenager and I really just wanted to serve the country.
I was kind of hot-headed like a lot of young men are.
I wanted to do things that were exciting. I wanted to travel the world. I liked confrontation.
So I was very much stereotypical, I guess you could say, for the kind of person that would have listened to the military.
I decided to and listened to the Air Force and that's what my grandpa did.
My grandpa was in listening to the Air Force and I got put into the pharmacy position.
So I was a pharmacy technician for the first several years.
That was okay. It wouldn't have been my first choice as a job to be in the military.
But I did that for several years. My wife and I had our first child while we were there.
And we decided, you know what, we want to go back home. I'm out of Arizona.
We wanted to go back to Arizona and at the time, the Air Force was doing a program to where you could go from active duty to the reserve
and you could finish out your contract in the reserve.
So doing one weekend a month and two weeks of the year instead of being full time.
And so I did that. And as soon as I got back to Arizona, they called me up and said,
"Hey, you're going to go to training. You're reactivated for six more months."
And I went to golf port Mississippi and I trained to be in the Civil Engineering Department,
the Civil Engineering Group, to where I did construction for the military for the next six years.
And being in the reserve, I was activated off and on. I would do six months. I wouldn't do anything.
I'd go back to civilian life. I'd do two weeks, go back to civilian life, deployed for six months, go back to civilian life.
And I did that until 2022 when I finally got out after 10 years.
What was your transition like into fatherhood? What were some of your personal struggles and how did you deal with them?
My transition into fatherhood was a lot different than most. My wife and I have known each other since we were in high school.
And we got married at 19 and 20 and we had our first son at 21 and 20.
So I was very, very young. Being a dad, I was working 12 hour days, gone all the time.
So it was very abrupt transition into fatherhood.
You know, I would say the most difficult thing for me personally, of course, was that I was gone all the time,
but it was coming home to my wife who had, she, she, she was uprooted from her entire community to come be with me and marry me,
you know, on the other side of the country from where she lived.
And being coming home to see that she was really isolated and she didn't have a community and she, we were,
we didn't have a lot of money, we had one car, she really couldn't go anywhere because I was at work all the time.
The most difficult thing for me was the complete and total responsibility of two living beings
that I was now completely responsible for. And I hadn't thought of that before. I was excited to become a dad,
I was excited to be a good husband, which I tried to be and I wanted to do all these different things.
And then it kind of smacked me in the face that, hey, you're 21 and you have a ton of responsibility now
to put food on the table but also be an emotional support, right? And be a mental support and be pretty much my wife
and my son's entire community because we were very isolated.
That was, that was a heck of a struggle and the transition was bumpy and you know, I'm not going to lie,
it was bumpy but it's a team effort in my opinion, right? Between me and my wife, it was a complete team
effort to transition into parenthood and I can't speak for everybody but as far as myself and my wife,
we really became very, very co-dependent. We really depended on each other and we leaned on each other
a lot. In some ways it seems like really that transition actually brought you closer together.
You know, I would absolutely agree. We talk about it frequently nowadays because that was,
you know, a long time ago. All of the bad things that happened and, you know, there was a lot of
drama when I left active duty and went to the reserve, family drama career drama. There was a lot of
things that happened that led up to that decision and, you know, the events around that decision
and the events around that action and it really grew us closer to get it because to be quite honest,
we didn't really have anybody else. It was just us too and I think it really did make us stronger
than ever and it made our bond with our son very incredibly strong and it made the unit that we
were, the small, you know, three person unit, it made us unbreakable and it ended up paying off
dividends in the future, absolutely. And now we have four boys so I've got four sons and I like to
think that we are very strong as ever just because of all of the diversity we went through.
That's interesting. I thought I just heard you refer to your family as a unit. Interesting.
Oh, absolutely, absolutely. I think that, I think that nowadays, especially because,
from my point of view, the nuclear family is absolutely under attack. The nuclear family isn't
what it used to be and it's very much going away. You have to be very defensive in my opinion.
And that's not to say that we're a unit. Nobody's allowed inside of our inner circle and everybody is
warbled. No, no, no, no, you don't need to be negative and pessimistic about it. However,
if you've got some traditional standards and morals and ethics, those are very popular nowadays
and you have to be very particular about the people you allow in your life, the environment you
put yourself in your children around and it's very much a unit. The way we run our family is
very traditional, very nuclear. Me as the father, I'm the head of the household, I'm supported by
my wife and my sons, they are our team members. They do what they are told, they follow our rules,
but they support at the same time and they understand that we teach them the reasons we do everything.
One of the funniest things that I really think that a lot of especially younger parents don't realize
is your children are always listening constantly and they do not forget. You can test this out with
promising your three-year-old ice cream if they behave. You promise them ice cream, they are not
going to forget that you promise them ice cream from a god old on the way home that day.
I'm going to forget that, right? Well, just yesterday, Jonathan, there's a really old movie called Black
Beards Ghost. It's a really, really funny movie about this little lodge in the New England area.
These three sisters are descendants of Blackbeard and it's a Disney comedy, very PG, very funny. It's
from the 60s or 70s, I think, and it was one of my favorite movies grown up as a kid and I introduced
it to my kids. Now I haven't watched that movie in probably six years, so my other two sons, my
youngest two, weren't even born. My second oldest though, his name is Demetri, he was really young. He
was probably, I think, three last time we watched it. And as God is my witness, Jonathan, I'm not joking
just yesterday. He looks at me. We haven't talked about this movie in years. We haven't seen this
movie in years and he goes, "Dad, do you remember this part in Blackbeards Ghost?" And he just starts to
describe this entire very, very funny scene. I see him and I go, "How the heck do you remember that?"
So I kind of bring this back to my original point, "I promise you your kids are listening and they
do not forget, I don't care how old they are, they are listening and they won't forget."
So to treat my children that way and to treat them like a unit and to treat them like a team,
I'll be a little bit of heart sometimes, I'll go, "Hey, don't pull that with me. You remembered Blackbeards
Ghost from six years ago. Don't pretend that I didn't tell you to pick up your room, right?" So
you know, we need to call the little band and say, "Hey, I know you can remember this. I know you can
do this because you remembered the most obscure movie scene that you shouldn't even remember at three
years old. I know you can remember to do this." And my children understand that responsibility
and we do explain things to them, quite frankly, like their adults. We talk to them like their adults,
we talk to them like their people. We don't dumb things down for them or baby talk or anything like that.
We absolutely set the expectation and don't get me wrong. We're not standing out there because I've
got chickens and we're not standing out there and saying, "Okay, my seven-year-old, you need to do
all of this by yourself." No, you still understand that he's seven, but they are a member of the team
and they can act accordingly and my children do that because we treat them that way. If that makes
sense. That makes a lot of sense and I really appreciated everything that you just said. I remember,
my brother-in-law was a former Marine and there was a big struggle when he got out because
everyone he served with and served around. I mean, they were his brothers. They were family to him
and to make that transition into home life was definitely a struggle. I remember us actually
giving him something with the rifleman's creed reworked a little bit. This is my family. There are
many others like it, but this one is mine. Trying to get him to make that transition over and to
seeing his family as family in the same way that it was in the military and in some ways that
was a challenge and in some ways we saw that stick a little bit. One of the things about
coming home and being back around the family and trying to view it the same way as the
experience, the environment that you left having those brothers, having those friends that you
can really depend on. One of the things that I was told when I got back from deployment is listen.
You're going to come back and you're going to try to be the father of the house. You're going to try
to be the headhunt of the house. My old chief, chief Faye, he looked at all of us and he goes,
"If this is your first deployment and it was mine, he goes, don't do anything." He said, "When you get
back, you need to gently reintroduce yourself into this environment. You've been gone for six months.
They have a routine. They have a method and whatever you're going to come in and do, you're going to
mess it all up. That's just the nature. Your wife is going to get mad at you. Your kids aren't going
to understand. You are going to mess everything back up and being a dad, I was an NCO, a non-commissioned
officer of Staff Sergeant. I'm used to kind of taking authority. I'm used to kind of taking
responsibility and taking initiative and doing things and running things the way that I foresee being
very successful and just running with it and saying, "No, these are the ways we're going to do."
Now, even though my chief told me that, I'll tell you right now, it all went right out the window.
I came back in. I tried to be, you know, dad again and my wife just kind of looked at me like, "What
are you doing? We don't do that. This is the time that they take their naps. This is the time we
eat lunch. This is that." And I was like, "Whoa, what is happening? All of a sudden, I wasn't,
I was dad, but I wasn't a part of that unit anymore." And that was really, really difficult to
experience and the kind of comprehend that, right, even though I left for six months, back home didn't
stop. So I was automatically closer to my team that I just lived with and been through a deployment
with for six months. That was my own team. Those are the guys I was close to instead of my own blood,
instead of my own children, instead of my own wife. I'll say, when I got home, I left when my
second, I only did one tour. I left when my second son, the same child, Demetri, he was six or seven
months old and I got back when he was just over a year. And it was super difficult because he didn't
even recognize me. So when I got home, he was actually terrified of me. He wouldn't come near me for
about a week, five or six days, and he like that. He wouldn't come near me if I got close to him. He
would scream and cry. You know, he didn't know me. He didn't know me. I wasn't a part of this team. I
wasn't a part of this unit anymore. I was completely this foreign person. Now, you know, before that
gets too sad and too down the dumps, don't worry. You know, after about six or seven days, maybe five or
six days, he started to recognize me as the guy that they would do video chat, you know, two or three
times a week. Okay, I think I know who this guy is. And then he really got to realize that, oh, this is
dead. So my son and I are very, very close now. I worked from home a lot. He cries if I'm in my office
for too long. He doesn't see me. So we're very, very close now. Thank goodness. But I think something like
that, getting the rifleman's creed and reworking to be a father, I think that that's beautiful. And
I think that that's a great idea. Something I wish somebody had done for me because the truth is
is that you're absolutely giving up your support system and you're trying to reintroduce yourself into
what you think your system has always been because it's home. It's what you should be used to. It's
what your safe place, quote unquote, should be, but it's not. So I think something like that to reaffirm
that this is your unit, this is your team, this is where you belong. I think that's a beautiful thing.
The military has the stereotype of being very difficult on marriages, difficult on families.
And so I'd like to look at it a little bit differently and ask, how did your military experience
help you to become a really good dad? You know, that's an interesting question because that's
a tough question. And I think any veterans that are out there listening right now, they're probably
going to laugh at that answer because it's true. Being in the military, can I have to make you a great
dad or it can make you a really horrible dad? You know, we see the stereotypes of wake up at five,
have the kids make their bed and you know, kind of the old movie from the 80s or 90s major
pain style parenting, you know, and then there's veteran dads that aren't there at all right because of
like you said, hard on marriage and a divorce or they're not there because they don't want to be
and they can't handle it. There's a lot of different reasons for it right? For me, I think the
military made me a good dad just because it made me want to be home more. It made me when I was home,
I wanted to focus on it more. I see it a lot of time, this isn't a criticism, this is just an
observation of today's society which is when people get home, it's dinner, cell phone movie bed,
wake up, breakfast, work, home dinner, cell phone movie bed right? And there's not,
there's not a lot of necessarily interaction right? Which people can run their families as much as
they want. For me, what it made me do is because I was gone so long, I was gone so many times. And to be clear,
in the military experience, I was home a lot more often than most vets. I did one tour in the Middle
East and I did a couple of stints of training. I was home a lot more than your average veteran. And
when I say this, I hope that that kind of tells people just how gone most veteran dads are, most
veteran husbands are. Because when I was home, it made me obsessive about being present. I would turn
on the blue screen and gray scale on my phone so that my phone wasn't interesting to look at. So if I
did look at something, I would get off of it in 30 seconds instead of getting in the doom scroll,
right? Where you're sitting there for an hour and you're down this rabbit hole of are there
giants and lizards underneath the Denver airport. You know what I mean? But you know, without getting
into something like that, it would help me reassess and come out of it and spend time with my kids,
put my cell phone down, not watch as many movies, maybe read a book or play with play with my child
in a game they came up with or something like that. So for me, I think what the experience did for
me is that because I was gone often, but again, not nearly as often as a lot of other vets, it made
me really want to be present that much more. One or three things you wish civilians understood
about veteran dads. I think that the main takeaway is more of wishing that civilians understood
veterans a little bit more. It's just that we think about things differently. We attack certain
scenarios differently. We're typically on average more disciplines. So if I had to say anything,
I would say I really wish civilians just understood that you're probably not going to understand
it too much. And to kind of give a little exposition on that, my sister-in-law is a CNA at the VA.
So she's an assistant at the Veterans Affairs Hospital here and one of them here in Phoenix.
And my family doesn't really get my humor. It's pretty dark humor. And I've worked really hard
over the last 10 years to kind of mitigate that exposure to my family. And my sister-in-law
said, "She gets it. Let's just say that." Because she works around these veterans and they're not,
they're not, they don't self-center necessarily. So they don't, they don't sugarcoat any of their
jokes. They don't sugarcoat what their humor really is. Whereas me, you know, I've worked very hard.
I'm a clergyman in the church now. I've worked very hard to curb my tongue. I used to have, you know,
the mouth of the sailor, they would say, "When I was in the service, I've worked very hard at
curbing and censoring a lot of the things that come out of my mouth, as well as what entered my brain."
My sister-in-law gets it because she sees a completely unadulterated, you know, very raw form of what
military humor is. And so I would say that civilians can understand anything. Just try to understand
that there's a lot that your average 22-year-old in the service has been through, that your average 70-year-old
civilian has not. There's a lot that they've seen and a lot that they've experienced in just four
years or five years out of high school. And while it's almost incomprehensible for the average civilian,
you don't necessarily have to understand it. Don't degrade it, though. And that's something
that we see a lot. You know, there was that viral TikTok that came that went through of the
the group of like five people. There was one dude. He was marine and listed. And there was like this
college grad PhD in microbiology or something like that. And she fancied herself the smartest person
in the room. The marine and listed dude was just kind of like whatever really degraded upon kind
of made fun of. He turned out to be the smartest one with the highest IQ. So don't degrade our service
you know, don't degrade kind of what we did. I think support, support is the number one thing, especially
foreign listed. I can't tell you the amount of experiences I've had as a prior and listed guy
where I've, because I've worked in the corporate world now to where it really seems like most of
these veterans programs and a lot of these veterans careers, a lot of these initiatives are
or what these corporations are looking for are officers. They're looking for
mild, more mild mannered than your average and listed college degree. And that kind of experience
instead of actually trying to set up what the majority of the military is, which is enlisted.
So I'd say it's support. If you can understand and help with anything, just support. You're not going
to truly be able to step into the shoes. Don't try to. It's a little bit more offensive when people do
try to honestly, but just support. Tell them that you're there for them. What kind of support systems do
veterans need in place to make parenting easier? The support systems that have worked the best for me
were my family. I come from a very healthy, very supportive family. My mom and my dad and my brother.
I only have brothers and I only make sons. So I'm from a very testosterone-fueled environment.
I would say family support going back to that same thing that I mentioned. You're not going to be
able to put yourself in their shoes, but you don't have to just be there for them. And then the other
thing that has been continues to be and always will be super helpful for me is faith. My belief system,
my church and my friends at church, whether it's Christianity, Judaism, Islam, whatever it is,
I've got my opinions of course about which is the right religion and etc. However,
if a support network is there, take advantage of it. I'll give my opinions all day as to
which, you know, theology is the best. I can do that. This isn't that conversation right now,
but one of the things that all religions do very, very well is support for their people. And I think
having a basis of faith, believing in something bigger than yourself, number one, that's a very large
part of a spirit of core in the military anyway, you know, believing in something bigger than yourself,
but continuing that when you get out and having that basis of faith, that number one, there is
something bigger than yourself. Number two, your mission is not over. Your mission is not over when
you get out of the service. God still has a plan for you. And having that community around you
is really important. When I got out of the cert, when I got out of active duty,
and I was running an inpatient pharmacy, I was running an inpatient hospital pretty much,
all the clinics and all the medication for the entire hospital. I got out, I was 21,
and I had just been running this multi-million dollar operation. And I was only qualified to
pretty much file papers when I got into civilian service. That's all I would be hired for is to be
a waiter or to be an administrative assistant at God knows what company. You know, that really hits a
guy's ego. And for guys like that, we're in the army or the Marines, I just was running, you know,
you know, a 20 million piece of equipment, I was running a tank and I was responsible for 15
souls out on the battlefield. And now I'm stocking shelves. I think it's imperative that guys and girls
that were in the military, you have to understand that there's a bigger plan for you. Your mission is
not over. You just have to find it and the things that the family can do and the things that the
community of whatever religion that is, temple, synagogue, church, whatever it is, they can help you
find that next mission because jobs not done. And that's neat to understand that. There's always
there's always more to do and you are valuable. I think that's the most important thing.
I'm glad you brought up church because it's a lot of times, you know, we do have veterans in the
church and we have several veterans in mind. And at first, there's this awkwardness of what do we do
with them? How do we relate to them? How do we work with them and cooperate? And I think the most
important thing that I seem to get out of what you're saying is what veterans need and want the most
out of their church family is exactly, well, I said the word family. They need a simple,
it's as simple as that. They need a family to integrate into. And then the other component of it
is leadership. They bring so much, they bring so many skills, leadership skills, education skills
that they can offer the church that can actually help the church's mission advance.
Absolutely. Yeah. You can't put yourself in their shoes, right? You're going to be a doctor,
you're going to be a lawyer, you're going to be an IT tech, you're going to be whatever it is in
the church. And I get experience that walking in, people know that I was in the military and
they kind of just kind of stare for a second. Okay. I walked into my uniform one time when I was fresh
out of boot camp because I had to leave in my uniform. I couldn't wear civilian clothes and everybody
just kind of stared at me, right? You can't put yourself in my shoes, but you can be there for me.
You can be there for them. Don't try to, you know, when you have kids, everybody says,
oh, well, I'm a dog mom or a cat mom. And I absolutely respect that, but I got to hate it when
people say that. Listen, having a dog in a cat is nothing like having a child. So in that same sense,
no offense to anybody. In that same sense, you can't say, well, you know, when I was going through
a really rough time, waiting tables for 16 hours, it was probably pretty similar to when you were
getting bombed in Syria, right? No, it wasn't. But it wasn't. Don't try to put yourself in those
same shoes. It's not going to work. It's not going to happen. And it's really just going to upset,
not just the veteran, but probably everybody around you. Also, they're going to be like, dude,
what the heck, right? But you can be there for them and go, listen, I have no idea what it's like to
get shot at. I have no idea what it's like to get bombed even for guys that separated from the service
right after bootcamp. The average civilian has no idea what it's like to get off a bus at 18 years old
with all you have is a bag to your name. And all of a sudden have six full grown men screaming at
the top of your lungs at you at one in the morning. Civilians have no idea what that's like. And that is
the very beginning of what the military career is like. That is the initial, that is why they call it
basic training. That is the very basics of what it's like to be in the military. 99% of civilians
have no idea what it's like to be screamed at like that for hours on end in the middle of the night.
So don't try to, you know, say we get it, you don't, but it's okay. Just be there. Just support,
just help in any way that you can, whatever that specific veteran needs.
How can veteran dads or families of veterans get in touch with you to ask questions or get help
with their journey? Absolutely. So again, I'm a, I'm a vice president and financial advisor at a
broker. I love helping vets get work, get jobs. I'm very connected in the Phoenix area, all throughout
Arizona. Please do not hesitate to reach out to me. I've got an Instagram, which is triple one,
TRI PLE, the number one underscore JGP, Juliet Galf Papa. So triple one underscore JGP. I've also
got a LinkedIn, which is just Joseph Pack, reach out to me via LinkedIn. Again, you'll see vice president
financial advisor on my bio reach out to me through there or just shoot me an email. And the email is
nice and simple. It's Joseph, the letter G pack at gmail.com. First name letter G pack at gmail.com.
The number one reason why I'm on this podcast in Jonathan, thank you again for having me on,
is because I want vets to know that it's okay and I am here to help. And there's a lot of people
here to help. But a lot of times, and I myself included vets won't speak up,
you can't do it by yourself. And it's okay to ask for help. And it's okay that you can't do it by
yourself. That's the message I want veterans to have. Reach out, call somebody, talk to somebody,
and if you don't have anybody, email me. Please do it. I'll help you get a job. I'll help you find
a place to live. And I mean that sincerely. Just to make things easier, if you go to thefatherhoodchallenge.com,
that's thefatherhoodchallenge.com. If you go to this episode, look right below the episode description.
I'll have all of the links that Joseph just mentioned posted there for your convenience.
Joseph, as we close, what is your challenge to dads listening now?
For all dads, I would say that can hear me be present. You know, be there with your family,
put the phone down, put the movie away. It's cliche to hear, but the kids grow up fast,
and in an ever-changing world, in a chaotic world like we have right now.
Dads and fathers are crucial to have to raise the next generation. And they need you to be present.
Be there with them, support them, and take your life out to dinner and buy your flowers. She earned it.
Joseph, on behalf of myself and thefatherhoodchallenge, thank you so much for your service to this
country, and thank you so much for being on thefatherhoodchallenge. My pleasure, and thank you, Jonathan,
for having me. It's been a pleasure. Thank you for listening to this episode of The Fatherhood Challenge.
If you would like to contact us, listen to other episodes, find any resource mentioned in this program,
or find out more information about thefatherhoodchallenge, please visit thefatherhoodchallenge.com.
That's thefatherhoodchallenge.com.
Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/thefatherhoodchallengepodcast/donations35m - Jul 15, 2024 - Guarding Your Kids Hearts and Minds
Dads, have you ever wondered what’s going on inside your children's minds? Would you like to know what they’re thinking? If you had a chance to learn ways to strengthen your child’s mental health, to help them feel safe, loved and confident would you take that opportunity? That chance is now on this episode. My guest is Psychotherapist, Keynote Speaker and Parent Coach Nicole Runyon.
To learn more about Nicole Runyon or book a discovery call visit:
To connect with Nicole Runyon on social media visit:
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/nicolerunyonlmsw/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/igenerationmentalhealth/
Special thanks to InGenius Prep for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. To learn more about InGenius Prep or to claim your free consultation, visit: https://ingeniusprep.com/get-a-free-consultation/?utm_campaign=2024+Podcast+Email+Marketing&utm_content=Fatherhood+Podcast&utm_medium=Fatherhood+Podcast&utm_source=Fatherhood+Podcast&utm_term=Fatherhood+Podcast
Special thanks to Zencastr for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. Use my special link https://zen.ai/CWHIjopqUnnp9xKhbWqscGp-61ATMClwZ1R8J5rm824WHQIJesasjKDm-vGxYtYJ to save 30% off your first month of any Zencastr paid plan.
Transcription - Guarding Your Kid's Hearts and Minds
---
Dads, have you ever wondered what's going on inside your children's minds?
Would you like to know what they're thinking?
If you had a chance to learn ways to strengthen your child's mental health to help them feel
safe, loved, and confident, would you take that opportunity?
That chance is now on this episode.
So don't go anywhere before we begin.
I'd like to thank our proud sponsor of this episode and the Fatherhood Challenge in Genius
Prep.
Genius Prep is the world's premier admissions consulting firm, proud to be officially
recognized as the country's top college admissions consultants, helping students prepare
for admissions to top schools through individualized educational programs that increase chances
of admission by up to 10 times.
Genius Prep students work with former admission officers to differentiate themselves from
other competitive students in three areas colleges evaluate students.
In academics, extracurricular activities, and personal characteristics.
Just this past admission cycle, Genius Prep students have secured 110 offers from Ivy
League schools, 268 offers from top 20 schools, and 904 offers from top 50 schools.
Genius Prep's student success lies within the fact that Genius Prep is an all-in-one consulting
firm offering every service a family needs, whether it be test prep, tailored candidacy,
building mentorship, academic mentorships, the leadership, and innovation lab, soft skills
courses, writing courses, and other customized programs to develop their application persona
to the most effective and authentic extent to share with colleges.
Just click on the link in the episode description to book a free strategy call with one of
Genius Prep's college experts.
Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge, a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere
to take great pride in their role and to challenge society to understand how important fathers
are to the stability and culture of their family's environment.
Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.
Greetings, everyone.
Thank you so much for joining me.
My guest is psychotherapist, keynote speaker, and parent coach, Nicole Rennian.
Nicole, thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge.
Thank you for having me.
I'm excited to talk about this.
Let's dive right in.
Nicole, let's start from the beginning of how you got into coaching parents and helping
them understand their child's mental health.
What's your own story?
Well, so my story starts when I was around 10 years old.
When I decided that I always loved children, I was one of the oldest in my family, my siblings
and my cousins.
And I had just really felt like I wanted to go into something that made a difference in
children's lives and helped them.
And psychology was just always an interest of mine.
And so I ended up having a private practice where I specialized in seeing children.
I've done that for about 21 years.
And in the last 10 years or so, I've noticed sort of a major shift with this generation
of kids.
And the shift was that I was seeing mental health cases in front of me with these very severe
symptoms with no root in any kind of trauma or any psychosocial issue that I could attach
it to.
And in my training, I was always taught to see the child in the context of their environment,
which for a child is their family or their community or their school.
And when I would do digging into these kids' lives, I would find that for the most part,
everything was intact.
I mean, sure, there were some things to work on.
Maybe some family dynamic stuff to work through.
But nothing that would warrant the symptoms that I was seeing.
And so I kind of started asking myself, what's happening with these kids?
And this was 10 years ago.
So nobody was talking about the effects of technology on child development.
That was at the time, the only thing I could pinpoint as to the reason why we were seeing
such severity in mental health cases.
And over the last 10 years, I've sort of developed more of an understanding and an idea
of what's all encompassing for them.
The technology is absolutely a big issue and as of fact, they're development, but the parenting
is also really struggling right now.
And so I decided that rather than pathologize the child and put them in the chair of the
mentally unhealthy person, I thought, you know, if I could just work with the parents,
I really think I can make a difference for these kids without even really having to see the
kids at all.
And it's, you know, really just been amazing.
The changes that I've seen in families so quickly since I've switched to coaching parents
rather than seeing children.
That's absolutely amazing being able to focus on the parents as the solution.
There is a really, really big gap that I see there.
Two sides of it.
Yes, I see one side of it with technology, stunting children in a way.
And I also see technology, stunting parents.
So there's a mental health crisis going on with kids.
It's been flooding the ER rooms.
What can dads do about it?
Dads are really key here and really important.
And the reason for that is because dads are usually typically very good at discipline and
boundaries and holding space for kids.
Dads are kind of the strengths and the strong pillar of the family.
And what I see a lot happening with the mental health crisis is kids are not getting what
they need in terms of structure and discipline.
So what I mean by that is there's too many choices.
And there's too much permissiveness.
And so that's creating a lot of anxiety for kids because it doesn't feel safe for them.
It may be what they want and they may resist the rules and the structure and the discipline,
but it's actually what they need.
And so dads really can provide that.
And it's not that moms can't.
It's that what I've seen in families is dads are really taking a backseat and it's often
because they don't know what their role is anymore.
It used to be, you know, I don't know how old you are, but I'm old enough to remember
the days when moms used to say, well, just wait till your father comes home.
You know, because dads were--
I do remember that.
Yeah, right?
Because dads were always sort of that kind of that strong disciplinarian.
And when I say discipline, I don't mean, you know, corporal punishment, not by any means.
Discipline has gotten a bad rap because of that because it used to be that.
But discipline can come in many forms and it can simply just be, here's the rule, here's
the boundary, you need to respect it or there will be a consequence.
And that's really what's missing in today's parenting.
You know, one thing that I noticed in families when I coach couples is that moms will often
say, well, I do it all, I don't get the help, I'm overwhelmed, I'm overburdened, and dads
will kind of chime in and say, well, I try and help, but it's never right.
And so I'm often trying to help moms allow dads to step in even if it's not the way that
you would want him to or exactly how you think he should just give him that autonomy
and that freedom to jump in when he sees FET because dads really need that confidence.
And that's a huge thing missing in families.
And it's affecting the kids.
Okay, I didn't expect you to go there and I'm so glad you did.
But you said that dads don't know their role very well anymore and I think you're absolutely
spot on with that.
I think that is so, so true.
And a lot of this has to do with different social pressures that are out there through the
media, which I don't know, may or may not be why you're saying it's been so destructive.
But there are these pressures that are out there, all these new narratives that are out
there and then dads are afraid of making mistakes or doing the wrong thing and so the safest
thing to do is nothing at all.
That's right.
And I think we're on the same page there as far as where this started because yes, I
think men are no longer allowed and society to be strong or, you know, to be like that
person that says, hey, no, this isn't okay.
And here's your consequence because you didn't do what you needed to do.
And that really has been a detriment to kids.
You know, we wonder why there's so much anxiety.
Anxiety comes from a lack of feeling and control.
So there's this inner chaos.
You don't feel like you trust yourself or you're confident enough to work through whatever
those feelings are.
So you try to control your outer world.
And kids are able to control their outer world now more than ever because parents are
allowing them to.
You know, a lot of parents will come to me and say, you know, the kids are ruling the roost
and we don't know, you know, we don't know what to do.
We don't know how to, how to reel them in.
You know, oftentimes one kid in the family, the scapegoated kid or the one that the parents
want to be in therapy, they'll be the one sort of controlling the whole family dynamic.
And I think we have this concept of, you know, toxic masculinity and men can't be men anymore.
And so yeah, they've taken a vaccine and they don't know what their role is because that is
their role.
So what are they really there for?
I'll often have dads and couples that I coach that will say, I don't even know that there's
a reason for me to be in this family.
I mean, it's that extreme for them because who are they or what are they if they're not
that sort of that pillar of strength?
I also see a flip side of that, which is mothers that are just flat out burnt out.
They're overworked.
They're overstretched on their time and everything and they don't have a father that's present
in the kids lives parenting equally putting in that same amount of work and the mothers are
doing all of the work.
The dads are checked out and somewhere they've gotten that message.
It does backfire.
There is an image out there that the mothers can do everything and they don't need men.
I think most of that might be for the best way to put it is a defense mechanism because
that may be the hand that has been dealt them and that's the circumstance that they find
themselves in for a variety of different reasons that that could possibly be.
But that isn't necessarily what we should be aiming for.
That isn't the goal.
That isn't the standard and that isn't what it should be.
I think a lot of mothers out there would actually like a little bit of help in parenting.
A hundred percent.
I'll tell you what, I think we as working mothers have been sold a bill of goods because
we were told, I mean, I'm Genox and all through my childhood.
I was told that you could have it all.
You could have the family and the career and it was definitely romanticized and looked
upon as the ideal.
And when I first got into it, having a career and a child, in my career, I was in private
practice.
So I peeled way back on the amount of clients that I was seeing when I had my first child
and even still, I was overwhelmed and overworked and overburdened.
So the reality of what I was told as a child was not happening.
I was a bit disillusioned by that.
And I think many women, my answer was to try and control everything.
My big wake-up call was when I had my second child, my kids are five years apart.
So when my second child came along, there was a huge adjustment because I had one child
for five years.
And I remember just being exhausted, of course, the new mom and trying to juggle everything
and my husband had made my oldest breakfast one morning because I was sleeping.
And I woke up and I went into the kitchen and I noticed he had used the wrong spoon to mix
the oatmeal, the wrong spoon, right?
And I had enough sense in my new mom's haze to not say a word because I knew that was
a me issue and I thought, wow, I guess I really am in need of a lot of control and I have some
work to do here because if I had given him a continue, I know I had given him that energy
before but if I had continued to give him that energy, I would have never gotten the help
I needed.
And I would never be in a place right now where I really feel like I have a partner because
I allowed it.
So this is what I think women need to start kind of understanding is we're not the victims
here.
But if it wasn't done to us, we sort of did it to ourselves.
Now it wasn't our fault because we were told we could have it all but now we need to recognize
guess what?
You can't have it all unless you have a partner that is willing to put the as much work
in as you are.
It's just nearly impossible unless we get even more technologically advanced and clone
ourselves, it's not going to happen.
I love the general generational component that you mentioned.
I'm also Gen X and we're known as the Lachkey kids and I remember my mom working all of
the time and a lot of times it seemed like I raised myself.
So I can only imagine that same image that that Gen X women especially have gotten.
The new message and the message that you're saying is that it doesn't have to be that
way and it shouldn't be that way.
That's right because what happened is the second wave of feminism told our mothers that they
should go to work and there was no conversation about one how that was going to affect the
family and two how the family was going to have to adjust to mom's going to work.
So what ended up happening is Gen X kids mainly got neglected and now us Gen X kids have
teenagers.
In that wound of neglect, we swung the pendulum too far into the other direction and us
Gen X working mothers over did it because we said, well, we don't want our kids to feel
our absence like we felt our mother's absence.
Uh-huh.
Yep, exactly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it's a detriment to Gen Z Gen X's children because they didn't get enough of that like
you said, like you learned how to rely on yourself.
They didn't get enough of that because the moms swung too far and while they were swinging,
they left the dads out because their example was that their dads weren't involved in their
lives.
Dads were very bewildered as well with that second wave of feminism.
They weren't used to that either.
They were used to being the providers, the ones that went to work every day and then suddenly
moms were in the workforce and they just continued to just go to work and, you know, not participate
in the family afterwards.
So there wasn't enough conversation around how to have both parents working.
And I think we're doing a little bit better now, but I can tell you, I see a ton of couples
with this issue where mom is overdoing it and she doesn't have to be because dad is
willing.
And this is what I love about dads.
They want to be there.
They just don't know how.
Let's change gears a little bit.
What are the top three things kids think about and want to know from their parents, but may
not ask verbally?
I think that kids want to know that parents are people.
I think today's kids are over-indulged and I think parents don't have enough boundaries.
I tell parents to share with your kids, hey, I'm a person too and I have needs.
And, you know, I think that kids should know about that.
They don't know to ask certainly, but parents need to be having those conversations.
I think kids also need to know that a boundary means love.
It doesn't mean you're mean or you want to hurt them or you don't want to make them happy.
And kids, thirdly, need to know that negative feelings are a part of life and discomfort is
a part of life.
And parents need to be able to be uncomfortable in themselves to hold the space and provide
their kids discomfort because that's life.
Is there a war between social media use or technology?
It feels like a war to me.
Yeah, I mean, it's a strong word, but it's also a very strong energy that is coming at
families today when it comes to technology and media and social media.
And the war is really about connection versus disconnection.
And that's inherently at the foundation of it.
And so, you know, parents and kids are always arguing about screen time and what's too much
and what's not appropriate and what is appropriate.
And at the end of the day, American families, well, I think this is global, so not just American
families, but families in general are disconnected, right?
I mean, like we said, everybody's working, everybody's exhausted, everybody's burdened and overworked.
And so families are just checking out at the end of the day, parents and kids.
And so I think if technology were taken out of the mix, at least even just intentionally
for some period of time during the day or night and families and families had a chance
to just be together and have silence and just talk or connect in some way, that we could
actually start to get somewhere with this issue.
Your husband is a girl, dad, correct?
Yeah, we have a boy and a girl.
How has he been a great role model to your daughter through your marriage?
Well, the first thing is what he's modeling for her with the way that he is a husband.
You know, he's a gentleman, he's loving, he's kind, he's very much a partner.
He cooks.
And he actually made me dinner on our second date and that was one of the things that really
got me.
I thought, wow, a man that can cook is a man I want to be with.
That's amazing.
And the other thing that he provides for her is just a really like strong, loving connection.
He adores her and she adores him.
And when he needs to, not as much as I would like, because I think she's a daddy's girl
and he's easy on her.
But when he needs to, he's got some good boundaries and is providing just like a very safe, loving,
you know, connection for her.
What about your son?
What kind of a message is your son getting from the father that he sees?
Similar to my daughter, he's seeing how his dad treats his wife and that's a really good
model for what we're trying to teach him.
And I think that seeing a man who is strong and vulnerable is really important.
And so my husband is able to express and communicate his feelings and get some emotional
sometimes.
And my son sees that, you know, boys have feelings too and it's okay to express and communicate
them because that doesn't mean you're weak.
In fact, there's a lot of strength in that.
What is your greatest accomplishment as a parent and what would you say is your husband's
greatest accomplishment?
I think for me, my ability to self-reflect and recognize what my issues are and how
that's affecting my parenting and not just be aware of it, but actually make changes
that I need to make is, you know, my biggest accomplishment because that's been the hardest
thing.
And I think same for my husband, you know, we've both done some really intense individual
work on ourselves and reflected inward and made sure that our awareness of ourselves
is reflected in our parenting.
And that's been a very hard, huge challenge and we didn't always do that.
So I think that, you know, it takes a lot of strength to at one point say, you know what,
this isn't working, I need to make a change.
And we both did that.
The whole inner work thing is a theme that seems to be coming up and many conversations
I've had with other guests and necessity for it.
I wish that I would have done what we call the inner work much earlier in my marriage
and much earlier in my parenting.
It would have saved a lot of grief along the along the way, but it's very, very difficult,
it's difficult if you're a guy just because of the stereotypes that are out there that's
bad enough, but just the image you have having to really go against your own ego and fight
those internal voices and this image of strength that you're trying to project for your family.
And you spoke of vulnerability about how your husband models that emotional vulnerability
both to you and in front of the kids as well, the years of inner work that you've done to
try to arrive at that place.
And I guess what I really want, fathers listening to know and understand is that doing
that very difficult inner work, asking those very difficult questions of yourself and sometimes
of each other, putting in that time and work is normal.
It should be normal.
And if you want to really be strong for your family, this is a powerful way to project
that strength because what it ultimately means is having a skill called self-control, emotional
self-control and control for how you interact with others.
And I think that is probably one of the most powerful ways you can do that.
And it seems like a juxtaposition to say the word emotional or the term emotional vulnerability
with the same term of self-control.
But when you look at it, when you are repressing whatever traumas, whatever you've gone through,
you're doing that because you ultimately don't have control over it.
And that is a desperate attempt to keep control over it by putting it somewhere else, keeping
it out of sight and just not dealing with it.
I mean, am I really far off the mark here?
No, you are so spot on. Wow, that was so well put.
And I think absolutely what men need to hear when it comes to this issue because control
is a huge thing, right?
And when you can internalize it and tell yourself that it's self-control and how you have
self-control is you learn how to express and communicate your feelings and that's a part
of it.
That can feel really good, I think, for a man.
That's really where it's at.
So I think when you say you wish you would have known this sooner, I think that a lot of
men are needing that message.
So whenever you figured it out and now that you figured it out, you're helping other men,
it doesn't so much matter, it's that you did figure it out because I think for men,
maybe they feel, oh, it's too late or, oh, I've already, my kids are older or maybe even some
that are grown, it's never too late.
I see men, my dad is a perfect example.
He was always that typical pillar of strength, never show emotion.
As he gets older, I have more and more, I should have deeper conversations with him.
He talks about things that happen to him when he was a child or when he was a young father
and I'm just so inspired by that, it doesn't matter that it took him decades to come around.
I'm just glad that he did.
I find that, at least for me, you go to opposite extremes when you don't have that true control.
One is you overreact to everything.
So you lash out an anger, your kids do something and your reaction is always explosive.
The opposite extreme is you don't react at all, which is what we were talking about earlier,
where dads just check out.
Having that true control where you're not running from the emotion but you're controlling
when and what and how you're dealing with that emotion.
We talked about in one episode of Funny Scenario where it's happened in this house where one
of the kids draws on the wall and you're already tired, you're busy, you don't need one more
thing to do and then there's this mess on the wall and you just want to explode at your
kids.
Being able to stop and understand very clearly that that's how you want to react and
being so aware of it that you can step outside of the emotion and choose to say I'm going
to stop and I want to say something so bad and so what I'm going to do instead is I'm going
to leave.
I'm going to go to the garage and work on the car or fix this or go mo or whatever and
I'm going to come back and think this through and then I'm going to come back and address
this.
I've calmed down a bit, had time to think about it, maybe spent some of that angry energy
on something else productive and gotten that physical exertion out, come back and address
it with a little more open-mindedness and things like that.
There are so many examples of how that can play out but it's that awareness when you're
that aware of what you're feeling to where you can choose and decide what you're going
to do with it, that to me is real control.
Oh, 100%.
That's probably the hardest thing really for anyone to do.
The most important thing for your kids because the message is going to get lost on them otherwise.
There's always an opportunity to learn and grow from something that they do or some mistake
they make but if you overreact then forget it, the message is gone.
They're not even going to hear you.
It's the hardest thing to do but the most important thing.
They see that.
They're not dumb at all.
They know you're mad at them.
It wouldn't be difficult for them to see in process that.
The next thing they're watching is what do you do with that and what an opportunity to
model that in a positive way for them?
Absolutely.
As you were saying that, I was thinking of even babies even know that.
I mean, I had a couple in my office recently and they always bring their baby with them and
she's starting to get into stuff.
She's moving around.
She's grabbing at things and so we always baby proof the office when they come in and we
had forgotten about one thing and she was about to touch it and she looked at me because
her parents, she was facing me.
Her parents were behind her and I thought, wow, isn't that something?
She knew that I was going to be somebody that said no.
No, don't touch that.
They know just inherently.
Like you said, they know when they feel you, they feel your energy.
They know when you're going to discipline them or they're looking to you to model that.
How can dads listening learn more about what you're doing or get coaching?
Sure.
So, I am on LinkedIn as Nicole Renyan and Instagram at I Generation Mental Health.
I have a website, knecolrenyan.com where you can go to my coaching page and there's a button
to book a discovery call if you're interested in working one on one.
Just to make things easier if you go to thefatherhachallenge.com, that's thefatherhachallenge.com.
If you go to this episode, look right below the episode description and I will have all
of the links that Nicole just mentioned posted there for your convenience.
As we close, what is your challenge to dads listening now?
My challenge is to, as painful as it is, to put yourself in a family dynamic you feel
left out of or that you don't have a place in, be uncomfortable and put yourself there and
work through it because you are so needed and so valued and your kids will thank you for
it someday.
Nicole, it has been absolutely an honor having you on the Fatherhood Challenge.
Thank you so much for everything that you've shared with us.
Thank you.
Thank you for having me.
It's been a lovely conversation.
Thank you for listening to this episode of the Fatherhood Challenge.
If you would like to contact us, listen to other episodes, find any resource mentioned
in this program or find out more information about the Fatherhood Challenge.
Please visit thefatherhachallenge.com.
That's thefatherhachallenge.com.
[BLANK_AUDIO]
Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/thefatherhoodchallengepodcast/donations34m - Jul 3, 2024 - Saving Dads Saving Communities
Have you imagined yourself as a powerful influence on your community and culture around you? Are you ready to make the important decisions in your relationships to be an effective leader at home and everywhere you go? It starts at home and my guest Warren Mainard is going to walk us through that journey. Warren is the national director at Impact Players.
To to connect with Warren Mainard visit:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/wmainard
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/warren-mainard/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/wmainard/
To learn more about Impact Players Visit:
https://www.impactplayers.org/
Special thanks to InGenius Prep for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. To learn more about InGenius Prep or to claim your free consultation, visit: https://ingeniusprep.com/get-a-free-consultation/?utm_campaign=2024+Podcast+Email+Marketing&utm_content=Fatherhood+Podcast&utm_medium=Fatherhood+Podcast&utm_source=Fatherhood+Podcast&utm_term=Fatherhood+Podcast
Special thanks to Zencastr for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. Use my special link https://zen.ai/CWHIjopqUnnp9xKhbWqscGp-61ATMClwZ1R8J5rm824WHQIJesasjKDm-vGxYtYJ to save 30% off your first month of any Zencastr paid plan.
Transcription - Saving Dads Saving Communities
---
Have you imagined yourself as a powerful influence on your community and culture around you?
Are you ready to make important decisions in your relationships and to be an effective leader at home?
And everywhere you go, it starts at home and my guest is going to walk us through that journey
in just a moment so don't go anywhere. Before we begin, I'd like to thank our proud sponsor of
this episode and the Fatherhood Challenge in Genius Prep. In Genius Prep is the world's premier
admissions consulting firm, proud to be officially recognized as the country's top college admissions
consultants, helping students prepare for admissions to top schools through individualized
educational programs that increase chances of admission by up to 10 times. In Genius Prep
students work with former admission officers to differentiate themselves from other competitive
students in three areas, colleges evaluate students. In academics, extra curricular activities,
and personal characteristics. Just this past admission cycle,
Genius Prep students have secured 110 offers from Ivy League schools, 268 offers from top 20 schools,
and 904 offers from top 50 schools. In Genius Prep student success lies within the fact that
in Genius Prep is an all-in-one consulting firm offering every service of family needs,
whether it be test prep, tailored candidacy, building mentorship, academic mentorships,
the leadership and innovation lab, soft skills courses, writing courses, and other
customized programs to develop their application persona to the most effective and authentic
extent to share with colleges. Just click on the link in the episode description to book a free
strategy call with one of Genius Prep's college experts or you can visit ingeniousprep.com.
That's ingeniousprep.com and let them know you came from the Fatherhood Challenge.
Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge, a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere,
to take great pride in their role and to challenge society to understand how important fathers are
to the stability and culture of their family's environment. Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.
We need everyone. Thank you so much for joining me. My guest is Warren Menard.
Warren is the national director at Impact Players and we're going to learn more about it shortly.
Warren, thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge.
Oh hey Jonathan, it's so great to be with you and very excited to talk about being better dad.
This is so important, such a great topic. Warren, this next question goes right in line with
tradition. So I always like to start each episode with a dad joke. So Warren, what is your favorite
dad joke? Oh man, we love dad jokes and impact players. We start every impact breakfast
with a series of dad jokes and I've got a handful but here's a quick one. So my son asked me the other
day, hey dad, have you seen my sunglasses? I said no son, have you seen my dad glasses?
That's a great one. It's cheesy, is cheesy. I love it. I was talking with my wife. That's what makes
the dad joke. That's right. I was talking with my wife on the elevator the other day. We got into
an argument. Turns out I was wrong on so many levels. Oh wow, you're good at this. You have some practice.
We have a lot of fun. In fact, we really believe that getting a group of men together and letting
them laugh and just have that camaraderie with one another is absolutely critical to opening up
men's hearts and getting into really important things. What is the story behind impact players? What is
it? How did it start and how did you become involved? Yeah, it's a powerful story. It started in 2004
with a man named Matt Wimmer and a handful of other men who witnessed a dear friend of theirs really fall
into a series of devastating decisions that ended up really hurting his his marriage, his family
and his business that employed over 400 people. Those guys found themselves asking,
wow, what a difference would it have made if he had made some healthy decisions about being a
better husband, father and leader that could have had a positive impact instead of the negative one
that it did have. That really bore out the beginning of impact players, which has now been going for
20 years. The mission is inspiring men to be great husbands, fathers and leaders by equipping them
to thrive in the relationships that matter most. For the first 16 years, impact players existed as a
volunteer organization. I had the joy of being able to come on and become the first executive
director of impact in the fall of 2020. And since that time, we have just seen God absolutely skyrocket
the growth of impact as we have reached men all over the greater Seattle area. And now we are
expanding into Everett and Bellyham, Tacoma, Eastern Washington. But we want to take it nationwide
because we think that there are men all over the country that are looking for the kind of community,
support, encouragement and equipping that impact players provides. What are some of the biggest
obstacles today keeping dads from becoming effective leaders in their homes and communities?
Well, I think a lot of men today are feeling really under attack. And there's no doubt that masculinity
is certainly something that a lot of men feel like just being men is, is makes them
public enemy number one. And so we really want to help empower men to believe that they're not the
problem that they are called to be the solution. And for a lot of guys, their struggles with being
the kind of dads that they want to be, oftentimes it goes back to their own childhood. They had a
difficult relationship with their own dad. There's some relational brokenness that they've never
worked through. But in general, a lot of men just feel like they're unequipped to be the great dads
that they want to be. And so we try to provide resources, training, encouraging and coaching to help
men step into their greatness as dads, giving them practical tools, biblical truth that will really
help them to discover who they are as men, who they are in light of their relationship with God,
and then how that transforms the way that they interact with their children as fathers.
I heard you mentioned something related to trauma. We've done several episodes on generational trauma.
The way our parents parented us and the way the parents before them parented, and they thought
that they were doing a very good thing. Today we would call it harsh parenting. That was a,
and I'm not saying every home was like that, but it was a very, very common thing in the baby boomer
generation. There were also different extremes. There's, for instance, I'm from the Gen X, Gen X is known
as the lachki kid generation. We are known for raising ourselves because our parents were busy
working all the time. Our parents viewed with it their role as sacrificial. They were working hard
so we could have a better future. And that came at its own price. Every generation is trying to do
things a little bit better and is learning from the previous generation, but no one gets it right.
And there's always these residual effects of this trial and error from generation to generation.
And it's, I've learned it's so important that you take the time and you deal with those spots that
where you were missing something where you didn't get everything that you need that you learned not
to see it as, as a shameful thing. And instead to normalize the fact that there are others like you
that have the same thing, that this was bound to happen given the way you grew up. And that it's okay
to feel what it is, but you've got to do something about it. You've got to take that next step and
you've got to deal with it. If you want to become better, if you want to become whole. And I've also
learned that there are two components to that. There is the generational part, which is knowing
yourself who you are, your background, where you came from generationally, what you are likely to
inherit. Behaviours, addictions, things like that that were common in your past generation.
And the other component of that is spiritual identity. And those two things, identity and purpose,
without those, you're, you're pretty much a lost man with a hole in the middle, a big hole in you,
and you will go anywhere and you will do anything to stop feeling that emptiness, including addictions,
including, I mean, you name it. Yeah, there's, there's a reason why the expression daddy issues is a
thing, you know, because there are a lot of men that are carrying around father wounds and we have one
curriculum that we've created called data coaching in the second week of the study. We just open up
with this simple question. Tell me about your dad and oh, wow, because men go around the room,
you get every kind of answer you can imagine. There are men that often sometimes men who say,
"I grew up and I knew my dad loved me, but he never told me." Or, "I grew up and my dad never
told me he was proud of me before." Of course, there were men that had, you know, dads that were
hurtful or abusive. One, one man, yes, he shared his story. He said, "My dad was Michael Landon."
He said, "What? Michael Landon from Little House on the Prairie?" And he said, "Yeah." He said,
"My real dad was gone all the time." So my mom was working nonstop. I was your typical latchkey kid,
like you're talking about Jonathan. And he said, "The only thing I ever learned about being a father,
I learned from watching Michael Landon on Little House on the Prairie." And I think,
that, you know, wherever you're at on that spectrum, like in my own life, I had a very loving father.
I felt safe in my home, which I count as a tremendous blessing. My dad told me that he loved me.
But there were things that my dad didn't do well. You know, he never really kind of showed me how to do
some of the things that men are expected to do. He didn't really have that kind of, you know,
masculine persona that, you know, encouraged me to feel like I could step into those difficult,
hard things. My dad didn't show me or tell me the day that I became a man, those right of passage,
types of experiences. So whatever your experience was with your dad growing up, there's going to be gaps.
And that's where there's a great power in being with other men and finding some spiritual
fathers in your life as well, who can help kind of pour into you in those areas where you feel like
your earthly dad was deficient in, and again, that's not to throw your earthly dad
under the bus, but just to say, Hey, you know, for me to be the man that I want to be,
and then ultimately to try to be the dad that I want to be for my own children,
I've got to fill in some gaps that, you know, that we're not given to me in my own childhood.
Yeah, that's absolutely true. And when we look to that, I mean, this isn't a new thing. You can go
as far back as David, maybe even further than that, but this is what comes to mind is David.
David was not really the best father. He had a lot of great qualities. And in the end, we know that
he was referred to by God as a man after his own heart, in spite of all his shortcomings and failures.
But there is a passage where it talks about David David's looking at the tent where the sanctuary dwelling
where God's presence physically stayed. And David's looking at the sanctuary and he's getting
almost angry. And he's like, what a dump. God's living in a dump and a tent. And I'm in this palace.
This is highly inappropriate. God should have a palace 10 times greater than mine. This is unacceptable.
That's it. I am making, I'm building a new temple for God and it's going to be far more magnificent
than my own. And it should be bigger and taller than mine. And mine should look small by comparison.
That's more appropriate. So he got it excited about it. You know, he had a conversation with Nathan. And
he told Nathan his plans. And of course, Nathan hadn't really consulted with God about it. So Nathan just
shot from the hip and said, yeah, sure, go do it. Go do it. Great idea. Love it. Yeah.
Goes away. Has a conversation with God and then God weighs in and has his own opinions about it.
Right. And then we know where God said, no, actually, no, I don't want you to build it. You're,
you've shed too much blood. You can, you can make the plans. You can drop the plans. You can connect,
you can collect the materials needed, but you're not to build it. Your son's going to build it.
Yeah. And that's when he breaks the news about his son. And then the next part is the profound part
where God makes it clear to David that he's going to be Solomon's father. He's going to parent him.
He's going to he's going to raise him and he's going to be responsible for rounding him out
to be able to take the throne to follow in his father's footsteps. Yeah.
Where God himself tells David that he's going to take that role. So that tells you a lot about
what God thinks about fatherhood. I also think of that as as an act of God's mercy,
demonstration of his character or being being merciful to David in spite of all of David's
shortcomings as a father. Absolutely. And it's it's a great reminder too for us that
none of us are going to get it right. Like we're all going to fall short in some area of our
duties as a as a father. And yet there's great mercy, there's forgiveness, there's opportunities to
to get back up and try again. And I think that's the goals that we want to keep pursuing these
these goals of being a great husband, great father, great leader. And when we don't get it right,
we tell our kids, hey, I'm sorry. I I failed you on this. I I fell short of this goal. This idea of
me being the perfect dad is, you know, it's full schooled. So when I get it wrong, I'm going to
let you know. And when I get it right, I'm going to give glory to the Lord. But ultimately we all
have a perfect Heavenly Father, which is what you're talking about, Jonathan. And that that reminds us
that even when I get into my 70s and hopefully, you know, I'm still regularly talking to my kids,
I'm going to constantly be saying to the Lord, God, show me how to be a father like you because I
don't have this thing figured out. How is the image of God tied to a dad's role? Well, of course,
we know that Jesus referred to, you know, God the Father as as a father. And so it gives us this
beautiful picture of a relational God, a God that loves His children. You know, that that we are
the children of God. And that is the relationship that we have with him. And so we look at God's
character and we see that he is slow to anger and quick to love a bounding and grace and mercy
strong and and just and all of these wonderful characteristics. And all of that helps us
to get a better idea of what God's intention for us as dads is to look like. And there's really nothing
more amazing than that than to say everything I need to know about being a father. I can learn
directly from God himself. And that's that's a unique privilege that we have as men and as fathers
to be able to relate to God in that way and for and to know that God relates to us in that same way.
What an incredible, incredible opportunity we have to love God and know God as our Father.
When I look around the inside of churches, I mostly see women. Maybe it's just me,
but that's the first question I ask is where are all of the men and why aren't they in church?
Well, you're not alone. We actually hosted a webinar last month entitled
Why Men Are Done with the Church and What We Can Do About It. And the truth is is that men are
leaving the church and church is losing men. The the U.S., the typical U.S congregation now,
draws an adult crowd that a 61% female and 39% male, one out of every four married Christian wives,
a 10 church without their husbands. There's definitely a disparity between men and women in the church.
And we could probably spend a lot of time trying to analyze why that is, but for a lot of men,
they just don't feel comfortable in church. A lot of men feel like they're not good at church.
That their wives are better at church than they are. A lot of men walk in. They see a lot of the
decorations. They hear love songs about Jesus. They see children's stories and all those things.
And they think, well, church is something for women and children. I probably, I think probably one of
the main things that I hear a lot of men tell me is that they just don't see how the church is helpful
for their lives Monday through Saturday. And so they're they're saying, I don't see how the church
is helping me to be better in my work, be better in my relationships. That's not helping me with
the inner struggles that I'm experiencing. And then, you know, candidly, I think that there are a lot
of men who have decided that they're done with church because they're disillusioned with the church.
The church has let them down that the church has disappointed them. There are leaders who have abused
their power or taken advantage of the congregation and men are just saying, yeah, if that's what church is
all about, I'm out. I don't want anything about, I don't want anything to do with it. So there are a lot
of reasons why men are not engaged in the church. But to me, it's trying to figure out what can we do
about it and how can we create pathways that will bring men back into a reconciled relationship
with the church? Because I think that there is a need for reconciliation between men and the
local church that's not really happening in most settings today. I completely agree with that. I think
there may be some strong opinions on those. And this is certainly my opinion. I would not expect
anyone to consider this fact. But I'll just say it, a lot of services tend to be very feminine in nature
and the way they're structured and, you know, it's this whole idea of, you know, this, this reverence
being quiet, you know, there's, and it depends, it just varies on the church that you go to, their
churches that are different. But across the board, that seems to be my observation is it's very different
for a different experience than what men actually need. Right. Right. And I think, you know, part of
the challenge for us, Jonathan is that we've got some cultural constructs about what masculinity looks
like it feels like. And then we've got some biblical constructs on masculinity. And those don't always
line up. But we have to recognize the culture that we live in. And so, you know, like just for instance,
you know, I think a lot of times when people think about men's ministry or masculine church and all
that kind of thing, there's this idea that that that that needs to be a bunch of lumberjacks and
jocks that are, you know, crutching beer cans on their head or wearing flannel and ultra muscular
with big beards and all that kind of stuff. And the truth is that none of those things really have
anything to do with what the scriptures and what God says true manhood and masculinity really is.
And so I think absolutely. Yeah. This, this, this, there's kind of a pendulum swing that we have to
be careful of within the church where it's like, okay, we're going to be a church that attracts men.
So we're going to focus solely on all of these external, you know, superficial masculine tropes that
we think will will communicate that we're a church for men. And I think that's a mistake as well. So
like, you know, the idea that say, let's say singing is feminine is not a biblical idea. And you
know, you're already pointed to David as an example of that. He was a man. He was a man after God's
own heart. He was a man that men wanted to emulate their lives after. And he was a musician. He was a
warrior. He was a musician. You know, you look at Jesus and you could probably make up two columns
of characteristics about Jesus that one would say in our, in our current cultural construct.
These are, these are characteristics that some my deem is feminine. And these are characteristics
that some my deem is masculine. And so we don't eliminate those characteristics of Jesus that don't,
you know, don't qualify themselves as masculine characteristics. But what we're trying to say to men
is, let's get to the heart of masculinity. And I think that's what you were just talking about with
that example of, you know, Paul's word to Timothy. For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but
of power and love, self-discipline. And when you start talking and men and saying, this is what it
means to be a man, that you are fearless, that you are powerful, that you are, that you are sacrificial
in your love and that you are self-discipline. You have control over the way that you live your life
through the power of God, through the spirit of God in you. That's what it means to be a man.
And I think why I just, I feel passionate about this is that, you know, we don't want to,
we don't want to convince some men in the church that they are not true men because they don't
live up to that external, superficial cultural definition of manhood. We want to point all men
towards the biblical definitions of manhood and really emphasize that in the church.
Yes, absolutely. What are some of the action steps for a dad to become a strong
effective leader at home and in his community? Yeah, so I think it begins with number one,
you've got to choose, you know, think about what Joshua says, you know, choose for yourselves,
but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. So when we talk about choosing, we're talking about
being intentional, men have to prioritize being great husbands and great fathers, great leaders
in their lives. So when you think about the typical man, he generally speaking has prioritized
his career. He said, okay, I'm going to really work hard. I'm going to invest. I'm going to grow
so that I can have success in my career. But what steps is he taking to prioritize being successful
in those relationships that matter most in particular being a great dad? And so one of the things
that we really talked to men about is it is not a selfish thing to be in a group that is focusing
on growing in these areas. That's not a selfish thing. That's actually a selfless thing to take
time away from your day-to-day life to be invested in a cohort with other men, a band of brothers
that will encourage you and model for you and challenge you to step up in these areas of life.
And then, you know, Jonathan as a man of God as somebody that believes deeply in
in the power of scripture, I really believe that the most important thing that a godly father can do
is to make sure that he is a man of the word. And so I really challenge men to read the scriptures
daily, to memorize the scriptures, and then to pass on the things that he is learning in the
scriptures to his family, to his children, and to those that he has the opportunity to pour into
in mentor. And then I would say finally, when it comes to being a godly dad,
you've got to bring your children into a community where they can come to know the Lord for themselves.
And so for us, you know, again, in that Joshua spirit, as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.
We want men to be engaged in a local church body because this is a group effort. You know,
if I'm going to raise my children in the Lord, I need to invite the body of Christ to come along side
to provide additional mentors and encourages and supporters to strengthen our kids. And so I mean, just
wrote a quick example of that. My son is graduating from high school in a couple of weeks. He's 18 years old.
And this past Sunday afternoon, we were at a special graduation celebration that the youth
ministry that he's a part of was hosting. And I walked up to the youth leader afterwards and shook
his hand as a thank you for investing in my son, discipling him, providing a model, providing a group of
buddies that are also pursuing the Lord together that have helped shape him into the man that he is
today. And so I like, there are things that that that youth pastor in those group of guys have done for
my son that I could never give to him because he needs those different encourages in his life. But
it's my job to make sure that he has those opportunities to grow in that way. I would probably wrap that
up and say that that really is normally we end with a challenge. But I think that is, I think you've
pretty much laid out the challenge for dads. The action steps, what they need to do to be able to
become effective men and leaders in their home and in the community. Warren, how can dads learn
more about what you're doing and how can they connect with you? Yeah, you can find me on social media.
Most of my accounts are at W main art. But we'd encourage every man to check out impact players.org.
This is an organization that like I said, started in Seattle in 2004. But in the last couple years,
has really begun to spread its wings and grow. We are actively working to try to help
men and men's groups start cohorts and chapters all over the country. So if you or any man that is
listening would like to get some of our resources, find out about the model that we use to help
encourage, equip and empower men to be great husbands, fathers and leaders. I'd love to reach
reach out to you. I'd love to connect with you about that. And we have almost 20 different
seven week studies that we've created for men to go through in a group with other men that will
really encourage them and equip them to be great husbands, fathers and leaders. So we'd love to make
those available to all of your listeners. Follow us on all the social media's impact players is the
the search term to look for. But we're here to be a resource for men, men's ministries,
church leaders, anybody that's trying to reach men in this current age. Just to make it easier,
if you go to thefatherhoodchallenge.com, that's thefatherhoodchallenge.com. If you go to this episode,
look right below the episode description. I'll have all of the links posted there, including the links
to impact players. It will all be there for your convenience. Warren, thank you so much for being
on thefatherhoodchallenge. It's been an absolute honor to have you with us. Thank you.
Jonathan, thank you so much and thank you for what you're doing to invest in men and rebuild
us. A generation follows that it is an absolutely central work and a work worth investing in your life.
Thank you. Thank you for listening to this episode of thefatherhoodchallenge. If you would like to
contact us, listen to other episodes, find any resource mentioned in this program or find out more
information about thefatherhoodchallenge.com. That's thefatherhoodchallenge.com.
Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/thefatherhoodchallengepodcast/donations33m - Jun 26, 2024 - Creating Stronger Bonds and Stronger Development
Looking for ways to connect closer to your kids and family? My guest will share some simple actionable steps you can start using today.
Michael Anderson is a public speaker and children's book author whose mission and purpose is helping fathers gain the strategies to transform their relationships, do their inner work, and show up more powerfully for their families.
To connect with Michael Anderson visit: https://www.linkedin.com/in/michael-anderson-44ba36ba/
To get Michael's book No More Mistakes from the Jungle Tales series visit:
https://www.amazon.com/Jungle-Tails-No-More-Mistakes/dp/B0D2BGH6YQ
Special thanks to InGenius Prep for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. To learn more about InGenius Prep or to claim your free consultation, visit: https://ingeniusprep.com/get-a-free-consultation/?utm_campaign=2024+Podcast+Email+Marketing&utm_content=Fatherhood+Podcast&utm_medium=Fatherhood+Podcast&utm_source=Fatherhood+Podcast&utm_term=Fatherhood+Podcast
Special thanks to Zencastr for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. Use my special link https://zen.ai/CWHIjopqUnnp9xKhbWqscGp-61ATMClwZ1R8J5rm824WHQIJesasjKDm-vGxYtYJ to save 30% off your first month of any Zencastr paid plan.
Transcription - Creating Stronger Bonds and Stronger Development
---
Looking for ways to connect closer to your kids and family?
My guest will share simple actionable steps you can start using today,
and he will be with us in just a moment, so don't go anywhere.
Before we begin, I'd like to thank our proud sponsor of this episode
and the Fatherhood Challenge, Ingenious Prep.
Ingenious Prep is the world's premier admissions consulting firm,
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to develop their application persona to the most effective and authentic extent
to share with colleges.
Just click on the link in the episode description
to book a free strategy call with one of Ingenious Prep's college experts,
or you can visit ingeniousprep.com
that's ingeniousprep.com
and let them know you came from the Fatherhood Challenge.
Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge!
A movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere,
to take great pride in their role,
and a challenge society to understand how important fathers are
to the stability and culture of their family's environment.
Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.
Greetings everyone, thank you so much for joining me.
My guest is Michael Anderson.
Michael is a public speaker and a children's book author,
whose mission and purpose is helping fathers gain the strategies
to transform their relationships,
and do their inner work and also show up more powerfully for their families.
Michael, thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge.
Yeah, this is awesome, Jonathan. Thanks for having me on, man.
So Michael, what is your favorite dad joke?
(laughs)
Favorite dad joke?
Oh man, I'm trying to think of all the, you know,
I can't believe I say this joke because when my dad said it,
I just rolled my eyes every time.
But I am guilty of the classic when my kids say,
"Dad, I'm thirsty."
I'll say, "Well, nice to meet you, thirsty. I'm dad."
And they have never once found it funny.
(laughs)
They've never once found it funny,
but I do every time. I can't help myself.
(laughs)
I love it.
I really don't want to eat it.
I'm glad someone loves it because they love it.
(laughs)
Well, Michael, let's get right to it.
What is the story behind how and why you got into the work
of helping families connect and stay connected?
I kind of, you know, I kind of like I stumbled into this.
I was working in a different job, had a different career.
I kind of thought I was going to be doing that for the rest of my life.
My wife was going to school at the time.
I think we had just had our first child, I think,
just this baby, my wife was getting her undergrad in family studies.
And she was telling me about things she was learning about marriage,
about family, parenting, and I just started realizing that
the stuff she was saying was way more interesting than the stuff I was doing as a career.
And so I decided to go back to school and get and become a marriage and family therapist.
And as I started doing that, I started working with teenagers.
And I started having these experiences over and over again,
which I was talking with these teenagers and I kept having the thought,
"Man, if only we could get the parents to come in."
Because I more and more as I was getting to know these teenagers
and kind of briefly meeting their parents and getting to know their family dynamics,
I started realizing, and then I started learning more about trauma healing
and the effect that trauma has in the ways that we show up in our relationships,
in our families.
I just started realizing that, "Man, I'm with these teenagers for one hour a week,
but they are with their parents for hours and hours, days, every day.
And if we could help parents to do their own work and help them heal
and help them change the way they show up for their kids,
then this will be astronomically more effective than me trying to help these kids.
And so that got me really interested in parenting,
got me really interested in not only that,
but I started having kids and I started doing my own stuff,
my own work and do my own healing.
And so I just really started to just gain this love for parents who wanted to heal
and wanted to show up better for their kids, I mean.
And so that just kind of launched me down this path and I've loved it, man.
It's been so, so rewarding.
In your mission statement, there is a mention of doing inner work.
What does that mean and what's involved?
Why is it so important and what was your own journey with that?
Yeah, no, this is the idea of inner work.
It's like that phrase that gets thrown around a lot and pops ecology.
Like, yeah, do your own inner work.
You gotta do it.
For me, what I, as I learn more again,
as I learn more about trauma healing and learn more about parenting,
I learned more as I worked with clients and as I became a parent,
I just, I was learning that, you know, about 90% of parenting is not about learning new skills.
Like, it's not about learning new parenting skills.
It's actually about getting really curious about the things that are happening inside of us
that block us from genuinely connecting with our children.
Like, when our kid throws a tantrum,
what is happening inside of us that is keeping us from connecting with our child in that moment?
Being more, more, mostly open and available.
You know, for me, or a personal example to your question,
I noticed that when my son, so I've got two sons and one little girl,
and when my son's cry,
I would, I used to be very cold towards them.
I would just be really harsh, you know, just kind of like the whole,
like don't cry, like come on, be tough, you know,
take a deep breath, you find your fine.
And I started realizing that when my kids would cry,
what was happening inside of me was this own insecurity was getting triggered inside of me,
this own fear that I was weak, that I wasn't strong enough.
And when I saw my kids cry, it was activating that inside of me.
And so as I got curious about that, and then I was also activating these fears,
like, oh, I don't want to raise a weak kid or whatever.
And I realized like 90% of me showing up better for my kids in those moments
is all about me doing my own stuff, like me healing those fears,
me working through those beliefs, me learning how to most regulate.
And I just believe that whether it's that scenario or,
and honestly, any scenario, any scenario in which you're not able to show up in a more connected, open way
for your child, it's just a sign that there's inner work,
there's inner healing that has to happen inside of you first.
That's absolutely powerful.
And I think a lot of dads can relate to that.
I was talking with another guest and we were discussing how sometimes dads can get really uncomfortable
when their kids cry, especially if it's a dad with a daughter.
I mean, we get uncomfortable when our wives cry, maybe not all of us,
but most of us get really uncomfortable with those scenarios.
So I love the fact that you touched on to why in a lot of cases that might be.
And then how we can get past that.
There's an inspiring photo of you reading with your kids.
And I absolutely love that photo.
In fact, I loved it so much that I wanted to make it the episode cover art,
so guests can actually see it too.
Because for me personally, just looking at that photo is inspiring.
Why should dads be reading to their kids?
How has it impacted their development and your bond with them?
Yeah, man.
Okay, just a lot of different avenues here.
We could take this, there's so many benefits.
So for one thing, we live in such an overstimulated world.
I mean, the world is moving so fast that honestly, I could say,
reading books with kids is so good for their development
and helping them slow down and learn and boost the creativity, which is all true.
And that's all a very valid reason you should read your kids.
But what I found is doing stuff like that is actually so good for me.
It's so good for me to just slow down and be present with my child.
And it can be really hard to find time to do that.
And today's, you know, busyness.
Everyone wears busyness like a badge of honor.
And I'm so good to just rush my kids to beds that I can finally relax and rest
or continue some work that I didn't finish or whatever.
And I'm guilty of that.
And I've noticed that the times when I just am willing to be present and slow down my kids,
like, yes, it is so good for them.
But honestly, and as selfish as this might sound, it is so good for me
to just be able to take in what it feels like to be with my children.
What it feels like to just be around their innocence, what it feels like to just be
around their curiosity and their wonder and their goofiness.
It's like healing for me, man.
And not only that, but it just is and now to just like talk about like on the child's side,
like it is just so good for their kids, for kids to have that slow,
really connected time with their parent, obviously.
And so I don't want to minimize that at all.
But just from a maybe a more different perspective here and again,
as selfish as it might sound, like I think I need it, man, more than anything.
There's something about that time slowing down.
And there's something about reading.
It's almost as if there's there's two worlds as your world.
And there's the world of your child or your children.
And at that moment that you're reading those two worlds become one world.
Ah, it's cool.
I love that.
And you're in that same world together in that same space.
Yeah.
And the sense is as if they feel like all of your attention is on them through that activity.
Yeah.
And John and dude, that's that's awesome.
I love that.
What came to mind is he said that is, you know, often, you know,
my kids are want to do something and I have to say, you know,
hey, I would love to, but I actually have to finish this work right now,
which is about like we have to work.
Obviously, like, I don't, I think it's very okay for parents to have to like say no to their kids sometimes, you know.
But, but I think it's also like just an illustration of, you know, I live in my world,
my kids live in their world and sometimes I have to keep those separated.
But what a cool opportunity just to finally let those two worlds blend through imagination and stories.
Like, I love that.
John, that's so cool.
There are two guests I've had on the program.
One is Claire Stead and the other one is Deborah McNeilis.
And I've always referenced them both because they talk heavily about brain development in babies and newborns.
And so many times, dads may feel like, especially in the newborn stage, like, you know, well, you know,
I, what role do I have?
I'm not very important, you know, that it's the mother that breast feeds and does all of this nurturing stuff.
And, and so, you know, I'm not so important now.
So, you know, my time to engage will be when they become a teenager.
It's time for me to really kick in then and, and prepare them for adulthood or when it's time for them to drive.
That's when I'll kick in and, and do my thing.
Yeah.
But research is showing that dads are essential.
This is not an optional thing.
They're essential for max development in those early years.
When, when they're a baby and one of those critical components to brain development is reading to babies,
babies will still react to that.
So, I saw a picture of that of, of a dad reading to his baby and the eyes of his baby are just wide and drawn to what's happening in that experience.
And there's clearly some kind of a bond going on.
And you know there's some development going on in the brain that this data is causing to happen because of that that one on one time.
So, from what I've learned, it's, it's never too early to start reading to your children.
So cool.
Yeah.
I, you know, that's been one of my favorite things.
So, I've got a, I've got a one year old little girl.
And that's been something I've been trying to do more of is reading to her.
And I've just experienced those benefits.
Like seeing her engage and interact and learn and you can just tell that, yeah, you can tell that something is happening inside their brain.
And I really do just to your point, you know, that, that it's really common for, for men to say, like, you know, during those really early periods of like, yeah, like, I don't, my role,
my role will be when they're toddlers, when they're a little older and they can play.
But I honestly think that's, that's a self limiting belief, you know, I, I think that's just a story our brains tell us.
And it's not true.
Our kids need us from the, from day one.
And, and we need them from day one.
I think that's something that's so important for fathers and for myself to understand is like, yes, our kids need it, but like, we need this.
We need this bond with our children, even at such at the earliest stages is healing for us.
So just love what you're saying, man.
One of the earliest memories I can remember of bonding with both of my sons was before they were born and we were coming up with a birth plan.
One of the things that I was very adamant about was being there to catch both of my sons.
This was something that to me was not negotiable.
Yeah.
Was not up for debate.
This was going to happen and this is one thing I really put my fist down.
Yeah.
I mean, if there was a real dire merge at medical emergency or something like that, this was going to be happening.
Yeah.
And there was not a doctor or a nurse that was going to be telling me, no.
I insisted.
In fact, I'll just say I demanded that the very first thing I wanted my son to feel when he came into the world is the hands of his dad on him.
Yeah.
Bring in him in ushering him in.
That was to be his first contact with with the physical world.
So cool.
And that happened.
And that is one of the most unforgettable moments of my life.
Wow.
And I caught him.
There were no gloves and I really don't care what people's opinions are about that about the fact that I had no gloves.
I don't really care.
Yeah.
He felt my bare hands on his bare skin for the first time and I pulled him up to me.
And he scanned around as I was had him right up to my chest and he was scanning around.
And then his eyes made his way right up to my eyes and we locked.
Yeah.
He knew exactly who he was looking for.
And that that look when he locks that I found you.
Yeah.
And we just stared and stared and stared.
I'm not sure when when I'm not sure who blinked first or when it just felt like a long time.
Yeah.
And there was a slight smile.
There was this recognition.
It was I can't even that's the best I can describe it beyond that.
You just have to have that experience for yourself.
But there was a lot of communication going on.
That was nonverbal.
Yeah.
And that moment.
So the effects of that moment are still felt to this day.
I can tell you that man.
They're that so powerful.
I am our first was born at a hospital and and we didn't really know much about.
We were just kind of we're just a young couple just flying in very undereducated with childbirth.
And then our next two were both home births with midwives and.
And my second and my third I was able to deliver and similar same same thing first first to touch
them and.
And man, you're right.
It's so you can't describe it unless you've done it.
It's beautiful.
It's a powerful experience.
Absolutely.
So Michael, what are some of your favorite tips that you're willing to share with us on how to what helped you connect with your family?
And how dads listening now conform that same connection.
So a couple things one.
It's really important to understand how just how important physical touch is.
And so if there's any fathers listening, you know, especially if you've got sons, but but regardless, right?
Like I would just encourage dads to engage in physical touch with their kids.
Like hugging, kissing, wrestling, holding them, just be be silly with them.
We play play rough games with your boys like wrestle with them.
Like my you know, kid, especially especially boys and this isn't thankfully is not the case for every every boy, but there is way too often.
Boys grow up emotionally starved and and absolutely starved a physical touch.
There's kind of this, there's societal messages and themes around, you know, boys just have to kind of be tough and and emotions make them weak and they just kind of have to suppress and and a dad to hug or kiss their boys would be weird or are some things like that.
But what we don't, but those are all just kind of societal like lies, right?
When the truth is is, you know, to for a child to be held by their parent, you know, you I loved how you said you brought your son when he was born just right there, skin to skin.
Like to hold your child like it releases like cascades of neurochemical processes that are so good.
And healing to be like held by your parent to be like kissed by them to physical touch like their releases powerful chemicals like oxytocin and dorphins.
To help you bond like oxytocin is is the bonding. It's called it's nicknamed the cuddle hormone. It's the it's the bonding hormone that gets released when there's physical touch.
And as a dad, you have such a powerful opportunity to bond with your kids through play through wrestling being crazy with them grabbing them squeezing them, you know, just like having fun with them.
It's how that's how kids bond. In fact, man, I wish I had the research in front of you, but there's research out there that shows that dads and their children bond more through play.
To that type of aggressive kind of wrestling running around playing then they do, but by just like snuggling and cuddling.
And so if you're a dad listening to this, my my tip would be come home and just and just be with your kids physically just and enjoy that and helps them bond helps them feel secure to you.
And if they don't feel secure, we're wired to bond, we're wired to attach. And so if we're not getting that bond and that attachment through those means, then kids will learn unhelpful ways of receiving that same type of bond, right?
I mean, kid, I mean, through even through pornography, through substances like whatever, there are artificial ways to get those same that same chemical experience.
And so if it'll get through you, they'll get through somewhere else and and so just take advantage of that now. That's that's probably one of the biggest things I would I would want to tell dads.
Let's change directions a little bit and this might be a loaded question, but here it goes.
What happens when dads have passed trauma from being abused as a child, for example, what does the path to healing look like? And how do they become and stay present for their families in the midst of that?
It's interesting. People want to sometimes people want to like avoid talking about trauma because they think it makes them weak to acknowledge that there's trauma or makes them feel broken or ashamed, makes them feel helpless.
I actually filled the exact opposite.
And healing trauma is just one of the most beautiful things in the world. Like to and so I would encourage, you know, I believe so deeply that the way to heal trauma is to actually learn how to love the parts of ourselves that are carrying that trauma.
Part so when we go through abuse as a child of any nature, it affects our psyche and it affects different parts of us that kind of carry on that pain.
These are often very young parts of us that carry on that pain.
And, you know, we could be a 35 year old man, but yet something happens that just reminds our brain of past trauma when we were seven and all of a sudden that that part of us that is seven neurologically carrying on that trauma that gets online that gets turned online.
And that's why we have big reactive feelings in we've and maybe reactive behaviors and we're like, man, I'm a 35 year old man. Why am I acting like I'm seven? Well, it's because there is a very young part of you that's still carrying trauma that has been processed.
And so what's beautiful, I think, about trauma healing is we usually spend so much for our lives trying to ignore or suppress our trauma.
But if we're actually willing to get curious and I think curiosity is the most powerful word in the English language for actually starting to curious about what's happened to us in the way it's affecting us now.
And then, we start to get a lot of curiosity breeds compassion because once we get curious about that seven year old that's carrying that trauma, we start to realize that it's not as fault.
He didn't deserve to have that happen to him. And he's actually a really cool kid.
And we start to have compassion on them. And now, all of a sudden, a part that a part of us that we used to ignore and suppress now we have compassion for.
And we just want to hold, we just want to hug that part of ourselves. We just want to tell that seven year old kid that he's actually really cool.
And he's not to find he's not weak, he's not broken, he's good enough. And that we love him and that we care for him.
And now, this part of us that we spent so many years of our lives ignoring and suppressing, now not only are we curious towards them, but we're compassionate.
And now not only are we compassionate towards them, but we just love them. And love is at the heart of trauma healing, like connecting with these parts of ourselves and loving them.
That's that's how we heal. That's how we can finally move on and unburden the trauma that we're hanging on to.
And but it starts with curiosity because sometimes self love is a big ask for for fathers for men. And so we start just by can we are willing to start getting curious. And hopefully that makes sense. I mean, healing trauma that we could do multiple episodes on that.
But hopefully that's that makes sense as far as just a brief answer to that question.
It does. It does make a lot of sense. You've written a book called No More Mistakes. Tell me about this book and how dad's listening can get their copy.
Yeah, so yeah, it's a children's book. It's the first of hopefully many of the children's book series that I'm working on the second one's getting published in September.
But I wanted to write a book that was not only for children, but also for parents. Again, you know, I was working with teenagers and I was like, man, we could help parents get in the room and do their own stuff. I'd be great.
And then, you know, even better, if we could help parents do their own work and heal, you know, when kids are younger, right? Instead of when they're 15 and 16 about really the house, like we help parents heal when their kids are, you know, one, two, three years old.
And so I want to write a book that was fun for a kid to read, but it also had lessons that both a kid and a parent could just kind of talk about together and parents could read and realize, oh man, like I want to apply that into my life.
And so this first book, so the book series is called Jungle Tales. So it follows, you know, a group of jungle animals that kind of live in this community altogether and each book, they do something together that kind of teaches a mental health principle.
And this first one is called No More Mistakes. And so the main two characters of this series is this Rocky is this right on him, Rocky. And then this monkey named Mani.
And Rocky loves to play basketball. It's actually called Coco Ball, but it's like basketball with a coconut and he's taking shots and he keeps missing and he realizes that he's embarrassed.
He's making mistakes and messing up. And he starts like avoiding all things that could lead to mistakes because he thinks mistakes are bad.
And it's the story of just him learning through his friends through experiences that actually mistakes are not only bad, not only good.
It takes your good and they help you to improve. And they're actually a critical part of self improvement. And so that's that's the first book.
Each book will dive into a mental health principle kind of like that. And it's available on Amazon right now.
And I can Jonathan, you're up for it. I can get you the link that you can put the show notes to go and check it out.
Yes, absolutely. I would appreciate that. How can dads find you or learn more about what you're doing?
Yeah, so right now the best way to get a hold of me is to LinkedIn. I post there pretty regularly.
It's the platform that I'm most active on. The only downfall is that my name is Michael Anderson. And so there's probably about a thousand Michael Anderson's just in a 50 mile radius of me.
My parents blessed me with a very boring name. So but again, if you're okay, the Jonathan, I can send you my link to my LinkedIn profile on my in the show notes.
And you can connect me there. You can absolutely DM me reach out and talk with me. I'm a I swear I'm a nice guy. So don't don't hesitate to reach out.
Just to make it easier if you go to the fatherhood challenge.com. That's the fatherhood challenge.com. If you go to this episode, look right below the episode description.
I'll have all of the links that Michael just mentioned. I'll have that in the show notes, including the link to his LinkedIn profile so you can connect with them there.
So Michael, as we close, what is your challenge to dads listening now? My challenge again, this is going back to what we talked about earlier is I would encourage every dad to embrace the word curiosity.
Again, our brains kind of natural instinct is to judge what we do judge the thoughts that come up in our mind judge the emotions we feel judge our behaviors lots of shame lots of criticism.
A lot of like, why can't I just be better.
But I want to challenge I would just those challenge out there to dads to take some time today, the next day, maybe go a week and just commit to being super curious with what's happening inside of you.
And just interact with your kids and interact at work interact with your partner if you have one and just get really curious about what's happening in your life that's that's bringing on thoughts, emotions, behavioral patterns, things like that that you're wishing you could change.
And just commit to being curious just like check that out be curious with yourself and see if you can start to kind of get curious about why you do what you do rather than shaming it and judging it.
And as you do that, just ask yourself why do you start getting to know these different parts of you with curiosity maybe even a little bit of self compassion.
Just see if new insights come and see if it makes it easier for you to change when you embrace curiosity rather than being self-critical for yourself.
That'd be a challenge I'd give to dads.
Michael, thank you so much for that wisdom. I sure appreciate it. It's been absolutely an honor having you on the Fatherhood Challenge.
Thank you so much for taking the time to talk to us.
Yeah, John, thank you so much. Thank you for what you're doing. I think fathers, we need more communities like this.
And so I just appreciate you creating a space for fathers to be able to work on themselves and continue to heal and improve. So thank you for having me on.
Thank you for listening to this episode of the Fatherhood Challenge. If you would like to contact us, listen to other episodes, find any resource mentioned in this program or find out more information about the Fatherhood Challenge.
Please visit thefatherhoodchallenge.com. That's thefatherhoodchallenge.com.
Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/thefatherhoodchallengepodcast/donations33m - Jun 19, 2024 - Girl Dad Journals
In this episode we’re going to explore the powerful legacy left to his daughter by a loving father. We’ve explored this topic before but it is so important that we’re going to explore it again. Get ready to hear some amazing and inspirational stories about how a father changed a daughter's life and became a driving force behind her success and how you can too.
Lenora Edwards is a Tedx speaker who helps people correct negative self-talk and Self-Sabotaging Behaviors to Achieve Holistic Wellness and Personal Empowerment she is also a Speech Language Pathologist. Recently she has created a journal to help fathers connect deeper with their daughters and we will talk more about that later in this episode.
To connect with Lenora Edwards visit: https://www.dtbhorizons.com/
To get your copy of Our Adventures Together, the journal mentioned in this episode visit: https://www.dtbhorizons.com/ebooks/
Special thanks to InGenius Prep for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. To learn more about InGenius Prep or to claim your free consultation, visit: https://ingeniusprep.com/get-a-free-consultation/?utm_campaign=2024+Podcast+Email+Marketing&utm_content=Fatherhood+Podcast&utm_medium=Fatherhood+Podcast&utm_source=Fatherhood+Podcast&utm_term=Fatherhood+Podcast
Special thanks to Zencastr for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. Use my special link https://zen.ai/CWHIjopqUnnp9xKhbWqscGp-61ATMClwZ1R8J5rm824WHQIJesasjKDm-vGxYtYJ to save 30% off your first month of any Zencastr paid plan.
Transcription - Girl Dad Journals
---
In this episode, we're going to explore the powerful legacy left to his daughter by a loving father.
We've explored this topic before, but it's so important that we're going to explore it again.
Get ready to hear some amazing and inspirational stories about how a father changed a daughter's life
and became a driving force behind her success and how you too can have the same drive and the same
legacy experience. So don't go anywhere. Before we begin, I'd like to thank our proud sponsor of
this episode and the fatherhood challenge in Genius Prep. In Genius Prep is the world's premier
admissions consulting firm, proud to be officially recognized as the country's top college admissions
consultants, helping students prepare for admissions to top schools through individualized
educational programs that increase chances of admission by up to 10 times. In Genius Prep students
work with former admission officers to differentiate themselves from other competitive students in three
areas colleges evaluate students in academics, extra curricular activities and personal characteristics.
Just this past admission cycle, Genius Prep students have secured 110 offers from Ivy League schools,
268 offers from top 20 schools and 904 offers from top 50 schools.
Genius Prep student success lies within the fact that Genius Prep is an all-in-one consulting
firm offering every service of family needs whether it be test prep, tailored candidacy,
building mentorship, academic mentorships, the leadership, and innovation lab,
soft skills courses, writing courses and other customized programs to develop their application
persona to the most effective and authentic extent to share with colleges. Just click on the link in
the episode description to book a free strategy call with one of Genius Prep's college experts or
you can visit ingeniousprep.com that's ingeniousprep.com and let them know you came from the Fatherhood Challenge.
Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge, a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere to take great
pride in their role and a challenge society to understand how important fathers are to the stability
and culture of their families environment. Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.
Greetings everyone. Thank you so much for joining me. My guest is LaNora Edwards. LaNora is a
TEDx speaker who helps people correct negative self-talk and self-sabotaging behaviors to achieve
holistic wellness and personal empowerment. She's also a speech-language pathologist. Recently,
she's created a journal to help fathers connect deeper with their daughters and we'll talk more about
that later in this episode. LaNora, thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge once again.
Thank you so much for having me, Jonathan. It is always a pleasure to spend time with you and to
especially talk about the incredible mission fathers are on and the one that you're helping build
and cultivate. I love the earlier episode that we did together. It was sometime back but it was a
powerful one that we did on helping fathers to recognize signs of developmental disorders or even
growth and that was one of those rare topics that you don't see a lot of people talking about and
you provided so much expertise on that and now you're going so much deeper than that into connection
and to helping fathers connect. I really would like to explore your own story in this journey.
I'm curious to know your earliest memories, what are your earliest memories of your dad and why
do you remember them so well? The earliest memories of my dad, he is of which I'm very happy to report
still alive and well and my dad has just been a phenomenal father figure throughout my entire life
and I always remember him being extraordinarily gentle and kind and my earliest memories, oh goodness,
I have one of those memories that I can remember, you know, getting picked up out of the crib and
just a lot of really happy memories. I remember him holding me and I, guys, I'm talking good,
probably 10 months, 11 months old but I can just capture these pictures of his face in my memory, yeah.
Why are these memories so strong? I mean, remembering all the way back to when he was picking you up out
of the crib, was it, what was it about those memories that have made them last all the way to the
state where you can remember them so clearly? I remember very vividly, it was his intention but also his
eyes. He was very, very present when he was holding me or when he was holding my sister and that kind
of energy, that kind of presence and being there in the moment, fully connected to the person
that is quite literally in your arms is so extraordinarily powerful and it goes well beyond the
surface of conversation that of, oh, be nice to your children, it's a different level of being present.
You're not thinking about all the 45 million things you are completely present in that moment
when you're holding your child. So whether you're feeding them or if they're rocking them or if he
was talking to me, that is something that goes so viscerally, two hour DNA, two hour genetic coding,
that's why they become so powerful because it's not especially at that age, when we're that little,
we don't hear words, we don't, as in we don't understand, I love you, we feel everything,
we can feel the intensity of that care and that protection and I think that's why they are that much
more vivid for me. What really stood out about what you just said was the eye contact and that takes me
back to an episode with Dr. Canfield. She came on and she has an entire ministry and entire mission
that is dedicated to the dad/daughter connection, making that deeper, giving dads the code if you will
for that connection. Yeah. And it really, I mean, there's a lot of other things in there but if you really
want to boil it down to two things, the two things that she really hammered on most of the interview
was one eye contact and two for dads to drop their anger, especially with daughters. So yeah,
if you have a toddler and she goes around the house and you walk into the house or you walk into a room
and the whole wall is full of crayon markings and she's paying it and drawing all over the walls and
the room is completely a wreck and the first thing you want to do is rage because you've been busy
all week, you're tired and all you see is a lot of work, a lot more work that shouldn't have happened
and you just want to rage. And those are the moments she's talking about. Because that's really powerful,
yeah. That can have a lasting impact, not just in the memory of remembering the event but
our biased store memory of events in various ways and you can do a lot of damage.
And so if you have to walk away, do whatever it is, get away but do not drop, just drop that anger
on the spot, deal with it some other way and some way that has nothing to do with your daughter.
One of the specialties that I have is a very deep understanding of memory and what happens
in that moment. So for example, let's say somebody was wanting to lose their temper and that
child is present. What happens to that child is it's a moment that can often become a moment of
overwhelm to that child and how it imprints on that child is very specific to that individual. So
for example, how you experienced overwhelm as a child is very different, how then I experienced
overwhelm. So it's very, very personal. And when that happens in that moment, our nervous system
quite literally captures the sound, the smell, the color, the feeling, all these characteristics that
are present in the environment capture it and then store it in our body. And our body is designed
to do this and it also will perceive it quite often as a threat. So we'll remember, don't let this
happen again, which is a great thing. We're designed that way. It's a protective mechanism, but also
what can happen is other things that are associated with this can result in that individual then
learning different things and holding on to different things all because of this event of anger.
Now that being said, the adult that released that anger is also needing to tend to their emotional
regulation and find ways to process that anger. And a lot of the time we think like, oh, I can't be
angry about this. No, anger is a good thing. It's how we are we are wired to feel these emotions,
how we release it, how we process it, how we clear it from our body is the key. And we're not
taught how to do this. These are things that we have to learn or unless you work with specialists who
are quite literally trained to say, okay, let's get this anger at and a safe, confined way as in
not at the detriment of your daughter. Let's talk about this in another space where you can safely
get this energy out and you can tend to your nervous system to help you regulate so that you're
not taking your pain and putting it on your daughter, which would definitely happen in that moment.
Yeah, you aren't just going to get rid of that anger. It's not, I mean, you aren't going to just
ignore it and just put it away and then keep it away. I mean, that's not healthy. It has to come out
somewhere, but you're talking about being very deliberate that first of all that that's happening.
I am angry. This is making me really angry, but being so conscious of it that you're saying,
you can say to yourself, I have a choice here. I'm very well aware if I let it out here,
that's going to yield consequences I don't want for my daughter for anyone else. This is not what I
want. It's got to come out. I have a choice. I'm not going to let it out here. Here's some other very
constructive and safer ways and healthy ways where I can let it out because it does have to come out.
Completely, completely. I think a lot of the time we're at least, you know, it's 2024. Thank goodness.
We have other ways of understanding our emotions. We have a deeper knowledge and a deeper understanding
of saying, hey, okay, I've seen other people stuff their emotions down and I've seen when it has done
to them over a period of time, I don't want to be like that. I've also seen people release their
emotions on anyone and everything and I don't want to be like that either. So now our next step is
to find ways to process our emotion and to let it out of our body. We don't want to stuff it down.
We don't want to unleash it on anyone just like you said, finding ways that are helpful and effective
and get that emotion out of your body. That's the key. Another powerful consequence of how you
react during those moments, moments like that and all through the rest of your daughter's life is
because it will have a direct impact on and we'll explore this probably later in the episode, but
it will have a direct impact on the mate that she chooses. Because she will pattern that after,
you know, somebody who is, my dad was verbally abusive. This is all I know. This is who, this is what
men are and this is apparently what I need in my life or what it's supposed to be. Or my father
was kind, loving and nurturing. He taught me self-respect and he respected me and treated me with love and
respect. So he would expect nothing less of anyone I choose and I don't want anything different because
this is what I've known and grown up with. So I would expect that from from a future mate. So it has
that implication all the way from when when they're just a baby and then the eye contact is wow,
that's the one thing that you remember is so strongly is the eye contact. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
And not until what you're saying that they might choose a mate like that, but they might also then
behave that way. So, you know, really understanding that your child is growing up in you are cultivating
constantly the environment that your child will be in for the rest of their life until they're
18 and they can then say, okay, well, let me make a different decision. So wanting your child to grow
open and loving, safe, kind space helps them build those neuropath ways that say, oh, this is something
that I want for myself or if you're they're growing up in a in a very volatile space, they're building
those neuropath ways that say, this is what life is. So whichever way we go, we're picking it up
from our environment, we're modeling it, we're seeing it, we're engaging with it. That individual come
18 years old, they then make decisions from for themselves, but that's what you're sharing with them
and what else do you want to share with them? Share the good stuff with them and also even in those
moments of anger and you receive as the father step out, you go release anger, you process it,
you can always come back to it and say, you know, this is what I wanted, this is what would have
been a better situation. I would have liked you to not draw on the walls. We want to be kind to
our things. This is why it's important and talk about it. Don't stuff it under the rug. Don't say,
oh, no, it's fine when it wasn't fine. Allow these conversations to happen and happen with integrity
and happen with a level and an approach that they understand, but also they're hearing you and
they're saying, oh, okay, I can follow that simple direction. And yes, there will be needs time
for repetition, but you're cultivating that and that's a great thing. Tell me about a time when you
are absolutely at your lowest point and your dad helped you recover. Oh, man, when I was in sixth grade,
math was awful. School was terrible for me. Absolutely terrible. And it was one of those things where
you know, you're 12 years old, I'm crying on my bed. And I'm not just crying. I'm doing that really
ugly cry where you're sobbing hysterically. You can't catch your breath. And rather than saying,
you shouldn't be feeling like this, you should be doing better in school. My dad just sat with me.
He's like, yeah, it's tough. And that's all he did. He just sat with me and he listened.
And that was a huge difference because there was quite literally a safe space made. There wasn't
shame. There wasn't guilt. There wasn't you need to be doing this. You need to be doing that. It was
simply, I see you. It's okay. We'll figure it out. Somebody did a sit with you in that kind of space
for lack of a better word in that hole where you're feeling absolutely awful. And you don't know
what to do because you're only 12. Having that kind of presence of somebody just sitting with you
and holding your hand through it and going, it'll be okay. Huge, massively huge.
There's what your dad did. There's so many things in what he did. But he entered your world
empathetically. Now the first thing we do when we see it, I mean, guys get really, most guys, not all,
but a lot of guys get really uncomfortable around a woman crying or around a girl crying.
We don't know what to do. And it becomes a very uncomfortable situation. So we go to immediately
what we're comfortable doing, what we are wired to do. And that's fixed. Diagnose and fix.
Yeah. And when we actually do that, I mean, yes, we will, we will do that under the pretense that
we're trying to help this other person, but in reality, it's to help ourselves. It's to make
ourselves feel comfortable to the situation, to bring order to things. So the root purpose behind
that action is ourselves. So it's not because we mean for it to be of a negative or punitive
experience is because we don't know what to do. And we need to feel useful. And so here's your
dad completely escaping that. And he's leaving his world. And maybe not even leaving it, but he's
pulling his world into yours emotionally and physically both. And he's there with you. And he's
just sitting there. He's not trying to solve the root cause of the problem. He's just listening. So we have
eye contact. And we have dropping anger. And we have listening and emotional empathy. Does that
sound about right? That sounds beautiful. Absolutely. And I agree with you. You know, men are
wonderful, wonderful people. And they want to absolutely fix. And it's a very primal
wiring that men are going, I want to fix, I want to be the solution. And it can be completely
a challenge because you might not feel useful in that moment. And in that moment, allowing
that space to say, okay, I'm just going to pause here. I'm just going to sit, I'm going to observe,
and I'm going to wait. And I might be a little uncomfortable as my daughter sits here and cries,
or as my wife sits here and cries, I'm just going to wait. And then as you're doing that, even
whenever it feels right, the question you can ask, especially when it's, when it if if this is your
wife and you're in the in this situation, do you want some help right now or do you want me to just listen?
And say it with the tone and the sincerity of wanting to just simply be present with them,
will make a massive difference, a completely massive difference because especially in your
daughter, your daughter might not have the solutions, but your wife might be thinking, I know what to do,
I just need somebody to to listen. And that's all I need right now. And when you can ask that question
of which do you want, and you can ask it sincerely, you're holding that space, specifically in this
case for that female or for that person that you're with. And that's really what it is about is
creating that container of safety, not of shaming, not of gilting, just simply being present and
allowing that person to be. Let's talk about the teenage years. I want two teenage daughters need
the most from their dads and how did your dad meet those needs? Oh man, I was not somebody who
dated much. So for me, my dad and I would often, I babysat a lot from the age that I was 12 onwards.
And a lot of my Saturday nights, I didn't really go out with friends, a lot of my Saturday nights,
I spent babysitting my Friday nights, I spent often with my dad or if my mom was home. So my mom was
a night nurse and she spent a lot of time three, three days out of the week. She would be working at a
hospital and then sometimes every other week in her every two weekends, something like that. So
when she wasn't home, me and my dad would spend time together and we would often bond over movies.
And it was just something special that we did. We would go to the movies for, here's a really big
throwback for everybody. The movie store, we would go and rent movies, we'd go to blockbuster, whatever
it was. And that was something that was really nice because it was always a happy time that we
spent together. And specifically when I was a teenager, we started getting into PG-13 movies,
but PG-13 for me was what he also found entertaining. And they were a little, they were a little
engaging. And I remember thinking even as scary as that movie was, nothing bad could happen
because dad was there. And it was just one of those things that really stood out in our way that we
bonded, but also nothing bad could happen to me because dad was there. So whether it was a, you know,
happy memory or kind of that thing where you think, well, that's naive of you. Either way,
I remember thinking nothing bad could happen because dad's here.
The big thing that I'm seeing or that I heard from that was time. It's that quality time.
Once again, it was a space where your worlds were the same world. And you were just,
just letting it go. You were just having a great time together, making a wonderful memory.
That space and that time with him that you held was in its essence for you. It was safety. It was,
it was understood as safety that time that physical time with him created this emotional connection.
Very much so. I love that. Now let's change gears a little bit. We're coming back to what we
talked about earlier, maybe just scratch the surface about. And that is how fathers influence their
daughters selection of of a future mate. What role did your dad play in helping you choose a good
husband? My dad and my mom would always say, the way your father treats me, my mom would say this,
the way your father treats me or my dad would say the way I treat your mother should be how your
husband treats you. And my father is incredibly kind and incredibly compassionate and very
tending to. Do you need anything? Can I help you with anything? Very sincere. And I think that is a huge
thing that we want to help people understand that those are the types of people that as a woman,
that's something that I value very much. My dad also has a phenomenal sense of humor and loves to laugh.
And these are all qualities that my husband now has. And I've been married to my husband for
in two days. It'll be 14 years that we've been married. That's amazing. Congratulations. Thank you.
So that's so big thing there is modeling. So now we before we were talking about time spent
and what I just heard was modeling modeling was is the key there. Your mother set this benchmark
expectation from her own experience from her own marriage. So strong marriages also seem to be
a powerful theme because that's what you grew up around. He was nurturing to his wife and he was
also nurturing to you. He was physically present. He was emotionally present. He purposefully
put himself into the world of his wife and put himself into your world.
And so there was the eye contact. There was the self-control, the emotional control and regulation.
And so all of these things formed this model. And then you had this marriage model to look at. And then
you had your own mother affirming it and then you had your dad saying, this is what a future
husband should be to you. Very much so. And instead of just saying it, he went a step further and he
modeled it. Yeah. The other thing that I think is very helpful and it was very helpful to him. And I
find it very helpful, especially when I work with my clients, better dads and husbands when I work with
them one on one, allowing time for yourself. It is a wonderful thing to be of service to be of service
to your children and to be of service to your wife. It is also a wonderful gift to be of service
to yourself and take the time that you need to take care of yourself, whether it is I need to lay
down for 20 minutes, whether it is I need a workout, whether it's I need a break and I'm going to go
for a drive, whatever it is for that individual is incredibly important because that is also
when we give permission for ourselves to do that to take those breaks to take those pauses to care
for ourselves in the way that only we can care for ourselves. It allows us the permission to give
other people to do the same and that we can continue to support these people in our lives. And that
one I find to be very overlooked but absolutely pivotal in how people show up for other people.
I've heard I've heard it said that being a father is is a lifetime role. How has your dad impacted
your life even now as an adult? Oh goodness. My dad is when he when he's now retired, when he would work
we used to have quick conversations in the morning and it was maybe three, five minutes. Hey,
how are you doing? Oh, I'm thinking about you and if I don't get to talk to him, we'll send a quick
message thinking of you. And I think that has truly helped me as an adult because I love
getting those text messages. I love hearing from him, but I also love sending them and sending
a message that says, Hey, thinking about your calling, Hey, how's your day? And it's a reminder that also
this person has cared for me and this person has cultivated these very specific characteristics
that I love about myself that I get to share with the world. And it's a beautiful reminder that
this person is still here and still takes amazing care of himself and his family even though I'm
now 39 and I don't live at home anymore. And it's really cultivated our relationship. He kept
those qualities and he enhanced those qualities and he continues to bring them forward in every area
of his life, that kindness, that compassion, that humor and all these wonderful things that he is.
Okay, I've saved the best for last. I'm really, really excited about this.
You've created a journal that fathers and daughters can work together on. Tell me more about
how dads can find it. So dads can find this journal through my website and the link will absolutely
be attached to yours. And this is a journal that came from my clients that I have that are fathers.
And they often tell me they want to build certain characteristics with their child and they're not
too sure how to do that. And in this journal, I had created it with children in mind. So as you
mentioned, I am a speech-language pathologist and I think about language a lot. And I work with
children and children that are three years old, four years old, are not the best writers yet.
And they don't quite have those skills. But the journal that I created is for
fathers and their children to do together. And it's a beautiful thing because
fathers can write in it if they need to, but more importantly, their child can draw in it,
whether their child can write in it. And it's a great way to connect at the end of the day.
And in this journal, it says, "What made me smile today?" And you get to talk with your little one about
what was really, what made them smile that day? You, they also, or in this journal, also asks,
"I'm proud of myself." And you get to ask your child, "What are you proud of yourself?"
And encourage them to ask you the same thing. This isn't just a one-way journal. And you can say,
"Oh, what should I be proud of?" Or, "Oh, what are you proud of me for?"
Having these conversations, making little notes about them are so, so important. Another one is
the activity that I enjoyed today. So you can write down what you did, whether it was,
you know, play barbies together, or if you built blocks together, if you went for a walk,
whatever it might be. Tomorrow I'm looking forward to such and such. And again, whatever it is for
that person or whatever you're engaging in together. And another is,
what are the challenges that I face today? And I love that because we want to really look at challenges
as something that we can overcome. And it's very specifically challenges I overcame today.
Letting them know that they can't ride their tool wheel bike yet and that they have their training wheels
is okay. Letting them understand that there are certain things that they can't do yet. They can't
cross the street by themselves yet, or they can't put something up. They can't tie their shoes by
themselves yet. It's okay. They're getting better at it. And drawing their awareness that says,
challenges I overcame. Another is something I'm still working on is a great thing because it really
allows them to build that awareness of what am I doing? Well, where am I getting better? And what is
something that's really, really cool that I got to do today? And we even go as far as talking about
how their mood was. Maybe they were sick that day. Maybe they were super energetic. We also
ask about the weather in this journal. And it really helps cultivate that day, allowing you to
really come present to really be present in that moment about that day with your child. And it's about
a hundred pages long. And the nice thing is, as you can download it for free, you can send it over to
Staples. They can spiral bind it. And there you have a journal that you two can do together that
you cultivate these skills together. And you build that resiliency and you build that awareness.
And you build that kindness together. And you keep that conversation going. I keep thinking way
down the road. This journal can be a physical tangible piece of evidence of a legacy that you're
leaving as a dad. It's a legacy that a physical legacy, an example or a evidence of the legacy that
your your daughter can always carry with her and always have all of her life. And one that you have
as well in your memories are shared in this book and these connected experiences. So that's why
I'm so, so excited about this. I love that. Thank you. So Lenore, how can dads listening now connect
with you with any questions or to get help with bonding with their daughters? They can visit my
website. And I'm sure the links will be down below. And it is D-T-B horizons. And it stands for
determined to be horizons. So whatever horizon you're wanting to accomplish, whatever you're wanting
to do, that is my specialty. That's how I help people. And if you go to the fatherhoodchallenge.com,
that's the fatherhoodchallenge.com. If you go to this episode, look right below the episode description,
the links will be posted there as well as the links to the journal. As we close, what is your
challenge to dads listening now? My challenge to dads is to allow yourself and to give yourself
permission to be present when you're with your daughters, when you're with your children.
Allow yourself to be really, really present and to enjoy the moments because one day, we all know
things will change. Allow yourself to say, you know what? I was, I was present there. I remember that
time. That was a really cool time because those are the moments that you were going to hold so dearly.
Lenore, thank you so much for being on the fatherhoodchallenge. It's been an absolute honor.
Happy back again. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me, John. It was great spending time with you
as always. Thank you for listening to this episode of the fatherhood challenge. If you would like to
contact us, listen to other episodes, find any resource mentioned in this program or find out more
information about the fatherhoodchallenge, please visit the fatherhoodchallenge.com. That's the fatherhoodchallenge.com.
[Silence]
Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/thefatherhoodchallengepodcast/donations34m - Jun 13, 2024 - How Dads Nurture Future Scholars
If you’re wondering what it takes to prepare your children at a young age for a successful academic future at a University, This episode is for you. If you’re in the process of helping your teen with a college or university application, you need to listen to this episode BEFORE you do anything else. My guest is here to take all of the mystery and guesswork out of the college or university prep process.
Joel Butterly is the CEO of InGenius Prep, a trusted counseling resource for helping kids prepare early for their favorite University and helping teens and parents successfully navigate the application process.
If you would like to learn more about InGenius Prep or receive a free consultation, click here.
You can listen to Inside the Admissions Office podcast produced by InGenius Prep here.
Special thanks to InGenius Prep for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. To learn more about InGenius Prep or to claim your free consultation, click here.
Special thanks to Zencastr for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. Use my special link https://zen.ai/CWHIjopqUnnp9xKhbWqscGp-61ATMClwZ1R8J5rm824WHQIJesasjKDm-vGxYtYJ to save 30% off your first month of any Zencastr paid plan.
Transcription - How Dads Nurture Future Scholars
---
If you're wondering what it takes to prepare your children at a young age for a successful
academic future at a university, this episode is for you. If you're in the process of helping
your teen with a college or university application, you need to listen to this episode before you
do anything else. My guest is here to take all the mystery and guesswork out of the college
university prep process. And he will join us in just a moment so don't go anywhere. Before we begin,
I'd like to thank our proud sponsor of this episode and the Fatherhood Challenge in Genius Prep.
In Genius Prep is the world's premier admissions consulting firm proud to be officially recognized
as the country's top college admissions consultants, helping students prepare for admissions
to top schools through individualized educational programs that increase chances of admission
by up to 10 times. In Genius Prep students work with former admission officers to differentiate
themselves from other competitive students in three areas colleges evaluate students in academics,
extra curricular activities and personal characteristics. Just this past admission cycle,
Genius Prep students have secured 110 offers from Ivy League schools, 268 offers from top 20 schools
and 904 offers from top 50 schools. In Genius Prep students success lies within the fact that
Genius Prep is an all in one consulting firm offering every service of family needs,
whether it be test prep, tailored candidacy, building mentorship, academic mentorships,
the leadership and innovation lab, soft skills courses, writing courses and other customized
programs to develop their application persona to the most effective and authentic extent to share
with colleges. Just click on the link in the episode description to book a free strategy call
with one of Genius Prep's college experts or you can visit ingeniousprep.com. That's ingeniousprep.com
and let them know you came from the Fatherhood Challenge. Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge,
a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere to take great pride in their role
and to challenge society to understand how important fathers are to the stability and culture of
their family's environment. Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero. Greetings everyone. Thank you
so much for joining me. My guest is the CEO of ingenious prep Joel Butterly. Joel, thank you so much
for being on the Fatherhood Challenge. Pleasure to be here. Thanks for having me. So Joel, what is your
favorite dad joke? You know, I have so many and they're all so equally bad. The one that comes to mind is
what do you call a factory that produces decent products? A satisfactory.
Thank you for sharing that. Very welcome. Oh boy, there's no way I would have figured that one out.
Well, Joel, please start by sharing the story about why and how you started ingenious prep.
Yeah, sure. So, you know, there were kind of a couple, a couple motivating factors. One of them
was I got to law school and within moments had ascertained that I did not want to be a lawyer.
So there was a quick rush out of the legal door. But perhaps more importantly, you know, when I was
applying to college, I thought I was a very strong applicant and that's certainly, you know, what I
had been told. But I kind of fundamentally lacked the guidance and resources necessary to really
distinguish myself in the competitive admissions process. And so what I did is the same thing that many
students do, which is that they sort of look around at what other people are doing and they say,
I'm going to do the same things, but I'm going to do it better. And in admissions, it's all about
standing out. And if your strategy starts with, I'm going to do the same things everyone else is doing,
you're not going to stand out. And so the idea behind ingenious was to combine kind of two elements.
One of them is sort of best in class advising. And so for that, we use a very large team of more
than 150 former admissions officers from all of the most selective schools. And they provide advice to
students. And then, and then a pool of resources such that students can actually carry out that advice.
Things like research opportunities with professors, internships, we have a startup incubator,
soft skill classes, writing classes. The idea is to is for students to have not just the advice
as to what they should do, but also the resources to actually do it. So I'm assuming there's also
ongoing support for this because these are all great ideas for standing out, but I know most people
wouldn't have a clue where to begin how to even tackle any of these tasks. Yes. So there's a, you know,
it's definitely a relatively involved program. So we have families that start with us as early as
seventh and eighth grade, although the kind of average is 10th and 11th. And so they're working with
us over the course of say one to three years on average. And all of these things are sort of part of a
a long counseling process that's that's sort of built into our curriculum. So there is guided
ongoing support and the support they're receiving. These counselors are people who I'm assuming really
understand the application process from an admission standpoint on a very intimate level.
Yes. So when I say former admissions officers, I mean that these are the individuals who are actually
working in the admissions office reading and evaluating applications and deciding who gets in and
who doesn't. So we have over over 150 close to 200 of these folks right now. And so these are people
who, you know, maybe they worked like the Columbia admissions office the prior year and they read
thousands of applications and chose which students got in which didn't. And so from our perspective,
you know, if you're going to pay for services in this particular industry, it doesn't really make sense
if to do so if that those services don't involve the viewpoint of somebody who actually worked in
admissions because the truth of the matter is that just getting into good schools doesn't actually
mean that you know why you got into a good school. Right. A student could get in for a myriad reasons.
And the admissions officer would look at them and say, oh, you didn't you didn't get in for
normal reasons. You got in for this reason. But a student might be sitting there thinking that
their experience is typical of other applicants when it's not. What can dad start doing with their kids
right now at an early age to help them develop the skills they need to get into a good university and
do so without compromising the the parent child relationship. One that I think is equal parts kind of
my parenting philosophy, but joined with the observations that I've had having seen tens of thousands of
you know young young young children middle school and high school kids is that students really do need
to be exposed to some amount of failure from a relatively young age. Something that is that is
kind of pervasive today among students that we work with them and how talented are hard working
now is that they have no ability to risk or sustain failure in such a way that precludes them from
taking risks. So you know just a simple example is we I mentioned that we have a startup incubator
where students will kind of ideate, launch and build companies and nonprofits. One of the most
challenging parts of it is convincing students to take the risk of kind of putting themselves out
there such that they can either succeed or fail. Students are so used to being in a in a world where
if you just do exactly what is instructed you're fine you can't fail. And that's of course not the way
the world is. And so I think that that's something that you know I personally will spend a good deal
of time on with my son and daughter so that they understand that it is okay to fail and that it is
desirable to take some risk and risk failure. Beyond that you know early years is mostly about
interest exploration and soft skill development. If a student kind of rolls into middle school and
high school with a really solid really strong abilities in in in academic writing, close reading,
public speaking and time management they are going to be miles ahead of the of the competition.
And then interest exploration is just the best case in areas that a student comes into
high school knowing what they're really passionate about because admissions is all about
delving really deeply into that area of passion that area and developing an expertise around that
passion. And so the best way that that fathers can you know help their their children with this is
to expose them to different disciplines like oh here's a documentary about World War One like
let's watch this together do you like it do you not like it. Here's an article I read you know in
wired about you know a new scientific breakthrough you know what do you think of it. Ultimately
school does not prepare students well for interest exploration because the this subjects that are
studied in school are sort of a blend of different things you know history even at the high school
level history is kind of an amalgam of like five different subjects sociology anthropology political
science history etc. And so it's very very helpful if students have some exposure to the actual subjects
which usually means a slightly more advanced level of content and that will do wonders for them in high
school. That's fascinating advice in the home school world for example this this strategy is a very
very common thing exposing killed children at a very early age to different disciplines different
subjects and different experiences but this is something that everyone can do whether you're a
home-schooler or whether your kids are associated with a local school district it really doesn't matter
this is something any parent or any dad can do with their children absolutely and I you know I
would say that about 10% of the parents that I speak to parents of you know younger children
middle schoolers even early high schoolers that 10% can answer the question what is your student really
passionate about and the reality is that 100% of them have the ability to ascertain that and it's
not just by asking the student what do you like it's by actually actively working with a student to
figure out okay like well what are the things that you don't like who can strip those away and of the
things that you like how do we you know so if you like biology okay well what area within biology
like you like marine biology do you like evolutionary biology and so it's an active exploration
that that you're undergoing and one thing I would advise you know parents fathers to kind of be
cognizant of is students should be able to determine what they don't like very very quickly that is
you know 30 seconds to 30 minutes they'll figure out that they don't like something to figure out
that they really do like something and a really passionate about it that can take months and so
you know you find the things that they like and then you delve deeply into those things until you
figure out which one they love that brings to mind something that I know for me could potentially be
a struggle maybe other dads out there would struggle that with us as well you have your own personal
bias that you might bring to this experience so you're exposing your kids to all these other
experiences all these other topics and subjects but you have your own passions and being able to
yes expose your children to your own passions which you should but not to let those completely
dominate to where you are projecting your your own will onto your children and not giving them a
chance to really experience or decide for themselves what they're passionate about yeah I think
that is definitely always a risk I think particularly with fathers there is a kind of natural inclination
to want your children to sort of follow in your footsteps that's not always true but it's
more true fathers than mothers for my observation you know my my advice is just you know most of these
students the ones who are are kind of led by fathers that they really respect and admire and those
are almost always the fathers who let the students be themselves don't force them to do things are
supportive or you know are kind of uplifting they tend to end up doing what the father does
the the and and that is a fairly or at least studying something that's relevant to what the father
does I don't have data but it's you know these students you know the fathers and finance and
you know the the the it's very it's very obvious to which ones have a good relationship with the
father because the ones who have a good relationship with the father they say oh I'm interested in
business or I'm interested you know I'm interested in finance or I'm interested in this or that
and it's obviously something that you know the the student is proud of that they that they would be
kind of pursuing it and then there's the ones the students where there's kind of an obvious
tension between the student and the father usually because the father is extremely disapproving
and and a little bit overbearing and in those cases the student usually chooses the thing that's
going to most annoy the father which is you know the father says something like this and says
well I want to study you know medieval Russian literature or something like that like that so I
would say you know if you're doing if you're if you're if you're you know doing a good job of letting
the students sort of be themselves and and and explore and you're giving them the opportunity to
to pursue other interests beyond the things that interest you more often than not you will find
that you have greater level of conformity to your interests than if you push too hard.
Let's talk about middle schoolers what can a dad of a middle of a middle schooler focus on to make
sure their child is Ivy League material. There's a lot of noise made I mean everywhere in the media
in in like you know by other companies in this industry about how convoluted and complicated
the the admissions process was I think that the the there was an article it was either the Atlantic
or the Wall Street Journal that was you know the title of which was sort of like the the most
complicated admissions year of all time something like that that was this year and there are a lot of
nuances there are complexities but fundamentally I I I firmly believe that the admissions process
is actually pretty straightforward and that 80 to 90 percent of how decisions are actually made
revolve around just two variables and and this is quite consistent both anecdotally and from
the sort of data analysis that we've done so getting into an Ivy League school getting into any
selective school but but the let's just say Ivy League is really about these two things the first
is are you academically qualified whichever one knows about you have to have good grades great test
scores when people don't understand as the grades and test scores are kind of a binary variable they're
not a they don't they don't exist on a sliding scale meaning that you either are qualified or you
are not there's no such thing is like if there's no school where if you have a 15 50 you are less
academically qualified than this than if you have a 1600 on the SAT in both cases you're qualified
it doesn't matter whether you're applying to UC Berkeley or to Princeton the you know it your qualified
and so the important thing to understand there is you don't necessarily have to be number one
you have to be above a certain threshold and what that threshold is depends on the school that
you're applying to and for your GPA it also depends on the high school that you're at for like an
average competitive private school if you're in the top 10 percent of your grade academically
you're probably academically qualified for most schools or like the most highly selective schools
including most of the Ivy League and that's a very rough shorthand but you know generally speaking
holds true that's variable one variable two is and this is really where most of the heavy lifting is
done because at schools like Harvard and Yale anywhere between 60 to 80 percent of the applicant pool
is academically qualified and of that population fewer than one in 10 is actually admitted
so variable two does much of the heavy lifting that is basically are you an expert at something
have you identified a passion or an interest as young as possible and have you developed that
passion or interest to the point that you can rightfully be called an expert for your age group
so the reason that I went through this long explanation is that that that sort of creates the
framework for for for fathers in terms of how to help their students in middle school it is interest
exploration and it is soft skill development reading writing public speaking time management study skills
and throw that in there the the and then in high school it is about taking that interest that you
have ascertained in middle school or before and developing the most sophisticated comprehensive
extracurricular profile you can so probably not necessarily going to this level of detail but assuming
that the kid is interested in public health first thing might be students start to public health
group at their school shows leadership it's not super unique a lot of students do stuff like this but
it shows leadership in its related to your interests then they do community based opportunities they
they they volunteer for you know local hospital volunteers in EMT etc then maybe they work with a
professor they write a research paper of of of their own maybe they submitted for publication
maybe they start a public health organization of their own kind of within their in their community
that's what an expert looks like so you sort of it's sort of these stepping stones in increasing
complexity but that's what fathers should be focused on most most of all the soft skill development
followed by interest exploration and then an extracurricular enhancement i'm backing up just
a little bit to something you said helping them get published write a paper and actually get
become a publication my my wife post phd is is at that point where she has been working really
hard to try to get her material published this is why I'm fascinated by this because you are
starting very very advanced skills very very early in their lives before they even get into an
Ivy League school before they're even ready for a phd program yeah yeah um so my my my my also wrapped
up a phd has gone through the somewhat our juiced process of getting your dissertation wow um the um
yeah so so just to be clear you know when high school students are publishing they're not publishing
in in professional journals that is that is that is that is it would be I think far too tall in order
for basically every high schooler um the uh normally what they're doing is they're submitting to
peer-reviewed journals that are uh that are peer-reviewed by high schoolers college students more
most often college students are phd candidates and so there are a few of these like we we work with um
the journal of student research the national high school journal of science the um scholarly review
and they're all they're all you know reputable organizations that publish work from uh mostly high
school and college students um and and so that that's sort of what you'd be going for it's not
enough to just sort of throw your your you know research paper any you know like on Facebook or you
know on medium.com any place where you can just pay to play that's not really going to confirm much
of an advantage um but if there's a selection process and a review process um then um it can be
quite valuable how do you balance getting your child into school activities or extracurricular
programs they enjoy versus pushing them into activities that will help their academic success
and do so without straining relationships. What I would say is if if if sort of a college what's
called a college counseling approach whether that's done by you know a professional firm or by parents
uh if done correctly most of the students time should be dedicated to uh well time other than studying
will be dedicated to extracurricular activities that relate directly to their area of passion um the so
you know they'll still play sports they'll still may play music maybe um but the you know the the
thrust of what they are spending time on outside of um outside of schoolwork um are going to be these
extracurricular activities related to passion so that is to say maybe they would prefer to play video
games but this isn't going to you don't you really very rarely have to push students to do something
that they hate unless what they hate is studying um the there's not really a simple and there's not
really a kind of a a great solution so what to do if a student really just despises studying or
like really needs help in biology and won't work to work with like a tutor or something like that
unfortunately those are circumstances in which I have found that it's less about trying to get the
student to enjoy it and it's more about having helping them understand what are the consequences in
their you know their life if if they went when presented with something they don't want to do but
that which will help them in life they consistently back down um the so I think that that sort of like
the outcome analysis is pretty important there but for the most part the the balance should be simple
because the best thing they can do is find something that they really love doing and then do a lot
more of it um the yeah hopefully that answers the questions it does I think that's very very helpful
I always love good stories especially when they're true please share some success stories with us
about parents kids or teens that ingenious has helped to become successful sure one of our one of the first
that I was super proud of this is I mean this is back in this company and just started I think it was
2013 maybe 2014 um and uh there was a student um I'm not gonna obviously won't use his name um but his uh
his parents had you know recently immigrated from um a relatively um impoverished country
they were trying to make it running a very small pizza parlor um and he was working kind of nonstop
weekdays weekends um uh or week nights weekends um you know to to help the parents make ends meet um
and he had pretty good grades um the and he had a quite a relatively low kind of SAT score all things
considered it was I think a like a 1200 or something like that which is not not in the grand scheme
of things low but low for the schools he was interested in um and in the end he he he ended up getting
into Yale with a full scholarship which we were you know ecstatic about the the the we wow
spectacular um outcome um so so so that was that was great um another one that comes to mind we
had a student um the he was from california um he's really interested in being a doctor he joined
our startup incubator and he wanted to create a non-profit related to water filtration so
one of the things that he had read at the start of our program was um that when there are natural
disasters many of the deaths in some cases the majority of the deaths are not the result of the
natural disaster itself the lack of access to a clean water and food um and so he wanted to partner
with NGOs that worked in these disaster areas to to offer water filtration devices so he raised
money he purchased industrial strength water filtration devices he sent them over to these NGOs
in the process he actually saved human lives like we got pictures of people whose lives oh wow
you know on unbelievable um so impressive um he unsurprisingly ended up he got it got into Harvard
and Stanford I think he went to Harvard um the but but that you know obviously these are not
that's not a common achievement obviously um but this was not a student if you met the student
so this is a smart student is a good student um but this is you know this was not necessarily someone
that you would expect to have such a tremendous achievement at a young age um and so that was
really remarkable um I could go on but those those two come to mind immediately let's go on to stats
do you have any stats that reflect a difference in results of those who choose ingenious versus those
who don't is there a good age to start working with a child yeah that's a great question and I have
very very strong opinions about it um the so um the way that companies market themselves
in in this industry um is they say okay this is how many Ivy League admits we had this is how many
top 10 top 30 top 50 top 100 etc and there are several problems with that and and we we do that too
the the we just don't do that exclusively but the there are problems with this in my mind the the
the essentially being number one you do not know how many students they worked with so if they have
10 Ivy League admits and they had a thousand students that's not necessarily all that good um
the the the other hand if they had 10 Ivy League admits in 15 students that's spectacular um the
but you don't know that and the companies don't disclose that and so that that's problem number one
the second problem is that companies will often kind of hand pick students based on their grades
and test scores because those are the students who are likely to succeed in the admissions process
and then um and in turn the company can sort of take credit for this work that the student is already
done um I don't I personally feel like that is kind of a violation of the educational mission um
of companies in this industry like the goal here yeah an agent the goal is to be like an educator um
and that just doesn't square with my understanding of what it means to be an educator but it's still
exceedingly common um and and so you also don't know that and so the way that we kind of internally
the way that that I think of this and the way that we we think of you know sort of results and how
to know the the difference is that we compare our student population to a population of students who
didn't work with us but who have comparable grades and test scores and so what we do is we literally
buy applications um and we have a data analyst who makes this comparison between those applicants who
didn't work with us and those who did and what we find is that students who work with us on average
are seven times as likely to get into a top 10 school and six times as likely to get into a top 30 school
um which when you're when you're thinking about it you know at any of these schools you might
your probability of success might be somewhere between five and 10 percent right the the which
means that if you apply to like five reach schools and there are those schools are all five to 10
percent probability says you're being rejected by all of them um if you set up a or sex
topple though those numbers um multiply by six or seven um the uh all of a sudden your probability of
getting into at least one is extraordinarily high and so it's the difference between being overwhelmingly
likely to be rejected by all versus being overwhelmingly likely to be admitted by at least one um
the so so that's sort of how I when I think about how good is the service is the service valuable
that's what I'm thinking about is what is the improved probability that improved likelihood
that you succeed um and it's uh and and so hopefully that kind of catches on in the industry but I
I that's from my perspective really the the only thing you should concern yourself about from an
outcome perspective um because everything else can be sort of manipulated in terms of um the
when good age to start working with us a student I mean the the the kind of my blunt answer is
earlier is generally better for college preparation the absolute earliest that I imagine being
truly valuable is seventh or eighth grade um I do not think that doing things in sixth grade or
elementary school uh that are related to college admissions are particularly useful like you can do
soft skill development at those ages but you really can't do much in the way of you know extracurricular
enhancement etc um it is more expensive to start earlier um the right so if you're working with a
farm the longer the service goes the more expensive it is that's that that's the nature of the the
the kind of nature of the beast I would say that there's in terms of best bang for your buck probably
tenth grade honestly um the which is to say like you know if if I were to put this in terms of increased
probability of success what we find is that students who start work with us just on twelfth grade are
about two to three times as likely to get into a uh into a top school um students who start with us
in eighth or ninth grade or or earlier um are closer to nine times as likely um and students who
start with us in tenth are about seven times as likely and there's a pretty steep drop off between
tenth and eleventh for a variety of reasons but so if I if I if I'm a parent and I'm trying to think
about this in terms of how do I get the best bang for my buck I'm probably going tenth grade um
the if I'm thinking about this in their respective how do I get the absolute best outcome I would start
earlier I would start in eighth or ninth grade um the that's probably the the the best best case
scenario um and you know I would say it's it's it's it's always worth it to get to get advice from
my perspective or at least to get get good advice um that it's always worth uh the the investment or
it's often worth the investment obviously depends on the organization um but you should never feel
like you're just it's too late because even if it's twelfth grade even if it's you two two months
until the applications are due you still have time to do some uh to to to make a really big
difference to double or triple your probability of success can ingenious help students who are
interested in applying to a university outside of the United States oh yeah absolutely so we
have a lot of students the UK's become quite popular so we help a lot of we have a whole UK division
we help students apply to universities in Canada we've helped students apply to universities in
France and China and Korea um in Australia and New Zealand um so so yeah all over the place I'd
say that you know the US is by far kind of the most popular um and then uh UK and Canada and then
the rest how can dads learn more about ingenious listen to the podcast or ask questions our website
ingeniousprep.com um the you can contact uh one of our colleagues on on that website um you know one
of those little chat boxes um you can also reach out and request a consultation which is basically
we'll sit down and we'll talk with you and your child um about you know what what what what they've
done what they should focus on how they can sort of best improve their their chances of success and
we'll also talk through kind of our our programs and services um and we also have we have a a kind of
ongoing podcast um the inside the admissions office um with noelle um the and that can be found on
any any place where you listen to your podcasts um the so it's it's it's I think it's available
at all kind of major outlets just to make things easier if you go to the fatherhoodchallenge.com
that's the fatherhoodchallenge.com if you go to this episode look right below the episode
description I will have all of the links and references that Joel just mentioned posted right
there for your convenience Joel as we close what is your challenge to dad's listening now my challenge is
mostly can you take the time and have the patience um to slowly mentor your students starting from a
young age you know maybe five six years away from the college applications um with an eye towards
building you know a candidacy for this the student that is rich in both academic accomplishments and
also extracurricular accomplishment um you know what I find is that it takes it's relatively it can
be slow moving can be a bit frustrating you don't see much in the way of like tangible outcomes
immediately like that's just the nature of this is that the tangible outcomes they come much later
um but the foundation it happens much earlier um and so kind of taking taking that as a as a challenge
I think and it's something that I challenged kind of myself with all the time with my son um you know
it's it's it's very hard to sit there and try to help try to see if does he like to tinker with things
is he you know does he have kind of an engineering mind or does he prefer to analyze like logical
problems and and does he have a more analytical one um and it can be a bit frustrating it can be a bit
boring um but I think uh that that in the long run is very well worth it. Joel this has been a very
helpful conversation both for me and I know for dads listening thank you so much for being on the
fatherhood challenge thank you so much and thank you so much for having me thank you for listening
to this episode of the fatherhood challenge if you would like to contact us listen to other
episodes find any resource mentioned in this program or find out more information about the fatherhood
challenge please visit the fatherhood challenge dot com that's the fatherhood challenge dot com
[MUSIC]
Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/thefatherhoodchallengepodcast/donations33m - May 28, 2024 - A Dads Journey From Abandonment to Forgiveness
Do you ever feel like parenting is hard because your past trauma of abandonment or neglect has left you feeling empty with little to give your own family? My guest has been down this road and will share his own story and what he's learned from his own experience.
Don Stinson is a podcast host, producer and author. As a dad coach he is passionate about inspiring fatherhood by turning challenges into connections.
You can connect directly with Don Stinson through
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/don-stinson-9362261b2/
Website: https://www.donstinson.net/
Special thanks to Zencastr for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. Use my special link https://zen.ai/CWHIjopqUnnp9xKhbWqscGp-61ATMClwZ1R8J5rm824WHQIJesasjKDm-vGxYtYJ to save 30% off your first month of any Zencastr paid plan.
Transcription - A Dad’s Journey From Abandonment to Forgiveness
---
Do you ever feel like parenting is hard because your past trauma of abandonment or neglect
has left you feeling empty or with little to give your family?
My guest has been down that road and he's here to help, so don't go anywhere.
Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge, a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere,
to take great pride in their role, and a challenge society to understand how important
fathers are to the stability and culture of their family's environment.
Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.
Greetings everyone, thank you so much for joining me.
My guest is Don Stenson.
Don is a podcast host, producer and author.
As a dad, he is passionate about inspiring fatherhood by turning challenges into connections.
Don, thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge.
Jonathan, thanks so much for having me here.
Happy to be here.
Don, I got to ask, what is your favorite dad joke?
I heard once somebody tell me that they once worked in a bubblegum factory and they
got in trouble and their boss really chewed them out.
I love that one.
Yeah, a little bait and switch sometimes.
So Don, let's jump right to it.
You grew up experiencing abandonment as a child.
Would you please share that story with us?
Yeah, I grew up in Jolietta, Illinois, and you know, that's my hometown Jolietta, it's
about an hour outside of Chicago.
You know, it's what a lot of people call a very blue collar community in some sense there.
We've just got everybody out there.
And growing up, it was difficult for me because I had a, you know, mom and dad, but you know,
dad leaves when I'm about three years old.
And that was just kind of a pattern he had in his life.
And my mom tried to do the best that she could, but you know, she had her own struggles.
She had my brother when she was 15 years old and then I had a couple of sisters that she
had in between and then she had me when she was 40 years old from a separate marriage there.
So, you know, my mom, she grew up with her own abandonment and trauma issues as well.
And those things were kind of carried through.
So, you know, that's kind of the tough part is when you have dad leave when you're three,
you know, who fills that gap, right?
And I had a stepfather that came in eventually and, you know, he and I just kind of never clicked
in that sense, but, you know, looking back, I realized how much that community of Jolietta
just came forward to help me out.
And Jonathan, it was just so cool to think back about how many teachers and church leaders
and coaches came out to help me out and in various ways.
You know, sometimes it was, they were kind of noticing we didn't have enough food.
So, you know, I got some teachers sending me home with like a loaf of bread and some peanut
butter.
Other times I have teachers that just kind of understand maybe I'm needing some advice
at some point in my life for recommendations for jobs.
So, you know, that's kind of the short end of it there to me.
There's always that silver lining of like, hey, maybe dad wasn't there, but it was kind
of cool to have these almost surrogate and substitute parents that came out that were just
really, really concerned with making our community better and focusing on the kids in the community.
It's interesting. You had an experience of what I call surrogate dads in your life.
How did they save you and how important are they to every community?
Yeah, I think one of the ways that they came in to help me through was number one being
observant.
You know, it's those things.
When you ever see a kid that's maybe wearing clothes, they're a little bit too small for them
or maybe they're not as clean or kept up as much as they should be, you know, that's where
some of these people came in.
They were observant of that.
Sometimes it was talking to mom a little bit about those things.
Other times it was kind of politely speaking to me about maybe things I needed to do better,
things that I needed to take care of on my own.
So there's that part where there's a little bit of that direct help and that was more like
elementary school.
As I get older and my passions start to turn more towards music, I was a trumpet player
in my high school band.
That's where you start to get a little closer to people that as a kid you want to be like.
So I wanted to be like my trumpet teacher and I wanted to be like my high school band
directors and my junior high band directors and other mentors in town.
So in that sense when you start to develop that relationship, you know, sometimes you know,
at a distance as it should be, I think sometimes with teachers and students, it was interesting
to see how that feedback could be more specific, right?
So I started to get things from my high school band director about, hey, maybe we're focusing
less on workouts at his school right now.
We know that you need money for this.
Maybe we're focusing more on trumpet playing.
Maybe we're focusing more on, you know, he would line me up for gigs.
You know, what does that mean?
I know you're a musician as well, Jonathan.
It meant like I went from making, at that point in the 90s, I think it was $6 an hour at
the sandwich shop to my high school band director setting me up teaching trumpet lessons that
were like $15.5 an hour, you know, and I kind of look at that thing, right?
And as a high school, you're like, cool, I'm more than doubled my salary, quote unquote,
here.
But I remember looking back at those things and it was, it was a little more involved
with that.
He wanted me to get better at my craft at the same time.
He knew money was an issue.
He knew that I had to contribute to the household and, you know, had to actually help with some
of the household debt at that point.
So, you know, it's those fine little details of people that just come in and help.
You know, and then you understand some things.
You know, it's interesting when teachers open up.
I had a, you know, I talked about my father where he left when I was three, but I did see
him again one time.
And if I remember correctly, he was driving down the road in his van and I was in another
car and I look over and he kind of looks at me and then doesn't really say hi or anything.
I think we locked eyes and knew who each other was and that he just kind of kept driving,
right?
So, those are things that they kind of sit with you.
But you know, I'll never forget a high school English teacher that I had, Mike Riley.
And we had these papers that were due and it was really important for us to get these papers
in on Monday and they were going to be graded by Thursday or something.
And Mr. Riley comes in on that Thursday and goes, "Hey, I didn't get your papers graded,
you know?"
And we're just rumbling, and this is the first time I heard this from a man.
And Mike Riley goes, you know, it was my week with my boy, he was divorced.
He goes, "It was my week with my boy, he comes first, we had a chance for some extra time
last night, so all your papers, they'll be graded later.
I got to pay attention to my boy."
Wow.
And that one thing, you know, I think I heard that when I was 16 or 17.
And you know, we stopped grumbling.
We were like, "Oh, okay."
And that was one of those pieces of information you get when you're 16 or 17 and it kind of
has to sit and it has to stew for a little bit.
And then when you're in your 30s, all of a sudden, you know, there's this little flashback
to that and that, you know, was kind of piece of information I had early on, but that I wasn't
able to use until much later.
And it was something I'll always remember, you know, when it comes to my own children.
And when it comes to what really is the priority, right?
We all have obligations, we all things that we do have to get done.
No one wants to get fired from their job because they're not performing, but there's also
sometimes, you know, those places where if you can make the choice, you know, I know what
choice I'm making then.
You and I actually had very similar experiences.
So I'll back up to the whole surrogate father topic.
I remember, and I was taking, yes, we were both musicians.
We have that in common.
After one of my piano lessons, I got ready to leave and my piano teacher's husband came
up to me and he asked me, when's the last time you've changed the oil on your car?
And I couldn't remember and I told him I couldn't remember.
And he says, all right, well, it's time to get that done.
And he said, here's what you need.
So he made a list for me.
And he says, get these things.
After your next lesson, you're going to help me change the oil on my truck.
And then after that, we're going to change the oil on your car.
This led from there to being able to and learning how to do tune ups, learning how to do break
jobs, basic car care maintenance.
So he filled that gap.
He knew that was missing in my life.
And he didn't make a big deal out of it.
He just stepped in and filled that role.
And so to this day, I've been very conscious about making sure my own two sons have those
exact same skills and that they don't have to to miss those experiences.
The other thing was the poverty growing up without a lot of money around, short money for things
like class functions that everyone else in my class seemed to be able to afford.
But I couldn't.
Well, I had a cello teacher.
I was also in the orchestra as well.
I worked really, really, really, really hard to get into the small group orchestra.
It was more like a string quintet, but I worked really, really hard to get there because only
the best players could get into that group.
He was also very aware of the financial troubles that we had.
So he got me into the director got me into that group.
And on the weekends, we would play at weddings and funerals.
Sometimes we would play at churches.
And we would get paid for those gigs.
And it was very, very good money.
And I can't tell you how many times that saved me financially.
And I was always grateful that he saw that need and he looked out for me.
And it wasn't a handout.
I had to really work to get into that group.
But he made sure that that was recognized and gave me a good shot at it.
Yeah.
So to hit on that point with your own kids, I mean, that's where I often am, right?
I try to go back to the first time I learned some things.
We all learned something for the first time at one point, right?
I don't know when I learned to not put aluminum foil in the microwave, but I know not to.
There are those things.
But it's all those other little life lessons.
And I think about those things.
I don't know, coming to school and I remember I had a band director take me to the side and
I think I was wearing like black shoes and a brown belt.
But it happened to be one of those belts that had, you know, brown on one side black on
the other was like a reversible one, right?
Right.
And he's like, Hey, I have that same belt.
He's like, a little life less.
He's like, why don't you go to the bathroom and change this up?
You should match your belt, right?
And I'm sure somebody out there in the fashion world is going to be like, actually, like
whatever, right?
But it's those, those, so many of those little things that came from so many different areas.
You know, but you hit upon the work thing as well.
You know, did you, did you have this at all?
Because I, man, I really learned how to work and I learned that, you know, I could, I could
go make some money.
But it was, it was fascinating because I started playing my trumpet in churches when I was
12 and I started mowing lawns before that and I was, I was working constantly.
And I remember when I hit my mid 30s, I'm like, I couldn't shut that off.
Like it was, it was just like I could not stop working because that is what I have spent
most of my life doing.
And I kind of had to make some choices, you know, at that point to say, like, listen, maybe,
the point of my life is not just to work.
You know, maybe, maybe I can be a family member and a father and maybe even more useful to
myself by like, taking a little bit of this time off, but my gosh, that was hard to do to
stop that.
Yes, it's been instinctive and there are times I wonder if, in some ways, maybe that
has not been a survive, if it hasn't been a survival instinct just because of, of
growing up really, really poor.
I had one of, oh man, this, this was, this was a difficult situation.
When I graduated high school, my, my mom bought me a gateway 2000 laptop.
Right.
I remember those.
Yeah, this was 2000, two, sorry, 2002.
And you know, my parents, like they, they re, my mom and my stepdad, they really used their
credit cards a lot, like, really went, went deep into that.
And I'll never forget how like heartbreaking this was for my mom.
She was trying to do something nice for me and she buys this laptop and six months later
she comes to me crying.
She can't make the payments anymore.
She has to hand the payments off to me.
So now I am, wow, but I can't take back, you know, and she, like, this was, they weren't
cheap back then, you know, it's not like you can get a Chromebook today for a hundred bucks,
right?
And I remember being handed over with this like $2,000 debt, you know, at, at that point.
So, you know, it's, it's fascinating because those people we talked about, they, they came
in, in so many different ways at a college band director that I would often speak with
about finances.
You know, like, just the way my parents operated, everything was credit cards and it was a
normal thing to have a car payment, you know, and I remember him saying, like, you know,
dude, like, there's another way, you know, are you okay driving some like, beat her for a
while?
Like, yeah, I'm fine.
Well, I still drive one today.
It's, you know, and, you know, it's just, it was interesting with that, you know, those
type of things, just again, to hear that other way.
And sometimes that information was con, you know, contradicting what my mom would say, you
know, because my mom's like, no, you have a car payment.
You get the nicest car you can buy.
That's a way of life.
You know, then I hear somebody else saying, go buy something 10, 15 years old that you can
pay cash with today.
It will be fine, right?
So that's, you know, just those things where you kind of get confused about it when you're
younger, but the first time you try it out, it's like, all right, it's not that my parents
were bad in some sense.
This is just what, you know, they were, they were trying to do the best they could with what
they knew, you know, unfortunately, sometimes what they knew just kind of kept them in that
cycle.
I want to change direction a little bit.
How does a dad who's experienced abandonment from a father begin healing to a point where
he has something valuable to give his family?
To me, when I did it, effectively, it was a giant, sloppy mess, but it was necessary,
you know, so, you know, there were those questions I had of like, hey, what was wrong with me?
Why, why didn't he want me?
Why wouldn't he come around?
You know, is what my mom is saying is true, even though everybody else is like what they're
saying does line up with, you know, this picture that I'm getting of my dad.
You know, so there's that part.
There's the questioning stage of it.
And, you know, for me, it was, it was fascinating because I always had these questions about it.
Eventually, you know, I did get to that reality of like, he's gone, he's not coming back.
This is what it is.
And he was a very interesting character, my dad.
Really loved his name.
I posted about this recently in LinkedIn, but his name was Don.
He was married to my mom.
They got a dog, a golden retriever, and they named him Donnie.
A couple years later, I was born.
They named me Don.
So, the dog gets, you know, changed to pups.
You can read about it online.
Like, later on in my 30s, I found a brother, his name is Don, and it turned out that he's a brother
of my dad.
And so, this family tree is like a giant tumbleweaver, but a half brother from my dad and a different
wife that he had.
So, there's that, but this was a guy that, you know, was always skirting the law.
He was, you know, never paying child support.
He worked for a water softener company.
And at one point, got drunk and sold the water softener band for more beer money, his boss
bailed them out.
Just, again, just really interesting, fascinating things, right?
So, to that point, you have those questions.
You do have, for me, that point in my life where I had to work so hard to prove I wasn't him,
you know, and I thought I had to prove it to other people when they weren't really putting
me in that position.
It was me.
But, you know, there came to be a point, I remember, where when I found my brother and I have
a sister in California as well, I reconnected with them or connected with them.
I should say over the first time and we spoke and everyone was great and it was just really
fun.
And I want to say about two or three weeks later, I get a call from a number in town and
it's like this local assisted living apartment place.
It's in like a worst part of town.
And, you know, these people call, they say, "Hey, are you, is this Don Stinson?"
And I'm like, you know, I'm from Jolly, I sound like, "Well, who's asking?"
They said, "Well, you know, we looked up this number, it looks like you're related to one
of our residents, Donaldson's and senior, that just passed away as your father."
That was interesting.
So, a lot of that healing process looked like going to that apartment.
At that point, they had taken his body away, but, you know, they said I could go to the apartment
and I call them up.
I'm like, "I want to see it."
So, I went there, I get a key from the front office after showing my ID.
They told me, they said, "By the way, when you get up there, they said, "Want you rush
up there and I want you shut the door and lock it because you're dead owed quite a few
people money."
He was like selling his prescription pills to them and whatever else, okay?
Great.
So, I get up there and I just spend time in this apartment.
And, you know, it's interesting when I talk about how messy it was.
It's me sitting in this just awful apartment.
You know, he at that point was on oxygen, but I think he was still smoking and drinking a
lot.
He got a closet full of oxygen tanks.
We've got cigarette butts everywhere, places dirty, like whatever.
I sit down in this couch and I just have this conversation with myself.
And I think saying a lot of those things out loud, to me about, "Hey, this is my past.
Maybe I came from you or you're a part of me, but I really do have the control to go forward
and the control to be something different."
And also Jonathan, just that acceptance, it is going to be a harder for me.
There might be some things I never release, but I can at least shorten the time that I
get stuck in those places.
And I think having that conversation in that apartment really did help me out.
And it was, you know, it was interesting to do that.
I think it helped me release quite a few things, gave me permission to be myself and do what
I needed to do, not to prove to somebody else or myself that I wasn't this guy, but just
because this is what I want to do.
So I was there for a bit.
I was there for an hour and a half.
There were a couple knocks on the door.
I did not answer.
I remember when I left that apartment, locked it up real quick.
I heard a couple, "Hey, hey, and just ran to that stairwell and got out of there."
But that's kind of where to me, that catalyst was just cool.
Here's the next stage of your life.
I'm thinking about a lot of dads that may be in similar situations.
So this next question is really important.
And that is, what role has forgiveness played in giving you that freedom to be at your best
for your own family?
That hate and sadness and questioning, I mean, that, you know, confusion and hurt, like that
just eats you up.
And it takes up so much real estate in your head.
And I've heard before, like, "Hey, forgive, but don't forget."
And I understand that.
But it does take quite a bit of work to get to a place where your actions and your state
of mind aren't held up by anybody else.
And I mean anybody else.
And it's some hard work.
To me, it's like, I started with the little things, you know, like I wanted to get to a place
where I, my actions were completely independent of the outcome.
So if I walked up to you today and I just gave you $20 as a gift and you said thank you
and then you took out a lighter and just burned that $20 in front of me, like, "I don't
care.
I did my part."
That sounds a little bit like, "Wow, that's pretty extreme, right?"
But that was what I was trying to work towards, which is, you know, I am here to give and
to help out.
And I'm not in it for the thank you.
I'm not in it for, you know, the appreciation or anything else, whether it's my family members
or my students or people that I'm coaching, you know, it's like this is what I do.
And, you know, so then it kind of goes a little deeper, right?
Because now we're talking about somebody else's actions that, or in actions that have kind
of made your life more difficult, right?
So, you know, there is part of it where I have to look at it and go, "Hey, I've gotten some
really cool opportunities because I know how to work, right?
I have gone through some significant challenges."
So there is that part where I certainly appreciate that, you know, I don't think I'd be where
I am today without these challenges and without having just really crawl through some things,
you know, but there's that other part too where the baggage comes in with it, right?
So that's to me where the work kind of came in where it's like, "All right, if I'm going
to be appreciative of what I got out of this, then that's really what I do have to focus
on.
I do have to recognize, yes, you know, these things.
Did have an effect?
Cool.
I'm going to have to really dig deep and do some very, very difficult work.
But, you know, the other thing too, it's like, I look at my partner and I, we share six kids,
like, the reality is, I don't really have time anymore to be an effective partner and
parent and community member and have all of that stuff in my head.
You know, it takes away from what I meant to do and what I love to do.
How can dads learn more about what you're doing, get your books or get help from you?
I'm pretty active on the LinkedIn platform now.
So if they look me up on LinkedIn, Don Stinson, and if you look up anything with Don Stinson
Fatherhood, that stuff should come up there.
My website, Don Stinson.net, I think is a good way to contact me as well on there.
Just to make it easier if you go to thefatherhoodchallenge.com, that's thefatherhoodchallenge.com.
If you go to this episode, look right below the episode description, I will have all of
the links that Don just mentioned posted there for your convenience.
And Don, as we close, what is your challenge to Dad's listening now?
I want dads to go out and find another dad or guy to confide in and potentially vent to.
I don't want guys just venting to their, their life.
You know, I want guys to be there for each other.
And I think that part is so important.
You know, growing up and even now in my 40s.
I have no problem calling someone up and essentially saying, how do I parent?
You know?
I have this specific issue right now.
I need help with it.
This is what I have tried.
I try to bring some people, some solutions first that I tried and bound some things off.
But I mean, for me at least, I am finally at a point.
I absolutely know shame in asking for this help and I think anyone out there that hasn't,
that damn hasn't broken for you yet.
I just try to find two or three people.
You know, even if it's like, hey, I just want to talk to another guy right now about some
of these things.
And I think you will be absolutely surprised.
Number one, how welcoming people are and how helpful they can be.
And I think also like, we're not alone.
There are a lot of people going through the same things and celebrating the same things
that we have and you know, kind of trying to navigate the same stress that all of us have
as well.
So I think it's really just trying to build your own community.
God, thank you so much for your wisdom that you shared with me and shared with this audience.
And thank you so much for being on the Father of Challenge.
It's been absolutely honor having you.
I loved it.
This is a lot of fun, Jonathan.
Thank you.
Thank you for listening to this episode of The Fatherhood Challenge.
If you would like to contact us, listen to other episodes, find any resource mentioned in
this program or find out more information about The Fatherhood Challenge.
Please visit thefatherhoodchallenge.com.
That's TheFatherhoodChallenge.com.
[MUSIC]
Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/thefatherhoodchallengepodcast/donations29m - May 19, 2024 - Dads of Differently-Abled Kids
Are you a dad of a child with a disability and you are hurting for a sense of community with other dads like you who understand your daily life experience? Are you looking for help such as resources or just someone to talk with or ask questions? My guest is here to help.
David Hirsch is a podcast host, dad of 5 and the creator of a network for fathers raising kids with special needs called Special Fathers Network.
To take the assessment mentioned in this episode or to learn more about Special Fathers Network visit:https://21stcenturydads.org/
Email David Hirsch at: david@21stcenturydads.org
Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dad-to-dad-podcast/id1373738974
Special thanks to Zencastr for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. Use my special link https://zen.ai/CWHIjopqUnnp9xKhbWqscGp-61ATMClwZ1R8J5rm824WHQIJesasjKDm-vGxYtYJ to save 30% off your first month of any Zencastr paid plan.
Transcription - Dads of Differently-Abled Kids
---
Are you a dad of a child with a disability and you are hurting for a sense of community
with each other with other dads like you who understand your daily life experience?
Are you looking for help such as resources or just someone to talk to or ask questions?
My guest is here to help in just a moment so don't go anywhere.
Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge, a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere
to take great pride in their role and a challenge society to understand how important fathers
are to the stability and culture of their families environment.
Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.
Greetings everyone.
Thank you so much for joining me.
My guest is David Hirsch, a podcast host, a data five and a creator of a network for
fathers raising kids with special needs called Special Fathers Network.
David, thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge.
Jonathan, thanks so much for the opportunity.
I really, really enjoy the work that you do.
One of my favorite questions is what is your favorite dad joke?
I don't know if it's my favorite one, but here's one.
Where do you learn to make banana splits?
Where do you learn Sunday school?
They're not see that one coming.
Well David, there has to be a story behind why you got involved with helping dads with special
needs children and why you started Special Fathers Network.
What is your story?
So I want to become a father for the first time at age 27 years ago.
I was looking for fatherhood resources and couldn't find what I was looking for, but stumbled
across some statistics.
24 million kids growing up in father apps and homes, four out of every 10 in America.
The perception that it's those poor inner city black kids and it's really bad in the black
community.
Maybe seven or eight out of 10 are growing up in father apps and homes, but in absolute
numbers, there are two times number of white versus black children in America growing
up without their dads.
So it's not somebody else's problem.
Not led to helping start the Illinois fatherhood initiative.
One of the countries first statewide, not for profit, fatherhood organizations, the signature
program of which is the annual father of the year essay program, which is attracted, no
exaggeration, more than 425,000 Illinois youth K through 12 who write essays to the theme,
what my father means to me, fathers, grandfathers, stepfathers, father figures for that matter.
And that organization still exists in the mission of that Illinois fathered an initiative as
to actively engage fathers in the education of children about seven years ago when my
baby went off to college.
I felt like I was talking to me and he said, what I thought I heard was you should do a
cross country bicycle ride and I said, well, you obviously have the wrong person.
I don't own a bike you could ride across the country and I'm not an endurance bike rider,
but I couldn't shake the idea, talk to some friends who were known endurance bike riders,
bought a bike, started training, put a crew together, put a plan together, flew out to
LA, peddled back from Santa Monica to Chicago, 21 days, 2,325 miles.
And I lived to tell the story.
I was then 54 years old, didn't know that I had something like that in me and it was
a transformative experience on a lot of different levels.
And I felt like I found my voice.
I had been talking about the importance of father involvement, but with all the media print
radio TV media that we were doing across the country, that led to giving a TEDx talk in
October of 2015, entitled Why We Need to Break the Cyclothother Absence, beginning of 2016,
I ended up writing a book, my first book entitled A Father's Journey to Break the Cyclothother
Absence, which is a little bit about the bicycle ride, more about the advocacy, and a little
bit, I started talking then about the relationship or a lack of a relationship that I have with
my dad.
So that was the beginning of the 21st Century Dads Foundation and a couple of three years
into it, it wasn't meeting one of our objectives.
What I mean by that is that we anticipated that we would be able to get the fatherhood
programs, school based, workplace programs to work together, and we couldn't.
So we thought about closing the 21st Century Dads Foundation down, but before we did that,
we thought we would identify the four most challenging areas for fathers that we could identify.
The first was raising kids in high poverty areas, like urban areas.
The second was working within incarcerated dads, and then it had been removed not only
from their family, but from society at large.
The third was working with teen fathers, men who become fathers in most cases inadvertently
as teenagers.
And then the fourth area is working with fathers raising children with special needs.
Those are the four areas that we found to be the most challenging, our board, the not-for-profit
board, narrowed it down to the last two categories, teen fathering, dad raising kids with special
needs, and that was the beginning of the special fathers network, this dad-to-dad mentoring
program for fathers raising children with special needs.
In our simple notions of a year ago was that we would recruit a small army of seasoned
dads, dads who have ten or more years of experience raising a child or in some cases,
children with special needs, and match them to the dads who are close to the beginning
of their journey raising a child with a similar or special need.
So that's the short story.
So basically you have dads older or more experienced dads mentoring newer dads.
That's exactly it.
So that's how it started.
And then with storytelling, like I was making reference to the youth writing stories about
their dads, somebody says to me one day, "Hey, Hirsch, what do you think about podcasting?"
And I thought the question was, "What do I like about listening to podcasts?"
I said that they're entertaining, they're informative, some of them are inspirational.
So now what do you think about listening to podcasts?
What do you think about hosting a podcast?
I said, "Well, that's pretty comical.
I'm an investment advisor.
That's what I do, occupationally.
I have no experience with interviewing, no radio experience, no editing production experience.
That's a funny thing."
And so, you should think about it.
You'd be sincere.
I think you'd do a good job.
So those were the seeds that were planted that germinated very quickly into what we know
today as the Special Fathers Network or SFN Dad-A-Dad podcast, which just recently produced
its 300th episode.
So it's mostly dads, dad's, dad's, dad's, father figures telling the story about raising
a child or children with special needs.
But I'm also interviewed dozens of women now and other healthcare providers and just
interesting individuals who have something to add about this important relationship that
kids have with their dads.
But in most cases, it has to do with dads raising kids with special needs.
And so we're on the same page, John.
We're talking about autism, Down syndrome, cerebral palsy, rare disease, missing a limb, missing
limbs, deaf, blind.
There's no disability that's out of bounds.
And it's very profound, right, to see the amazing things that these families are doing.
I was laughing earlier at the part of your story where you were telling that somebody was
suggesting that you started a podcast and you heard something about listening to podcast
and reminded me my own experience.
I had absolutely no desire or interest in doing a podcast at all.
Really did not like to do it.
I loved listening to them and I listened to a lot of podcasts.
But yeah, just did not want to start one.
I've wipe brought it up and it was a very unusual thing for her to say.
I mean, it wasn't until I was driving by myself and I kind of let my thoughts wander on
that topic.
And I let my mind finally go to the idea that it was probably not specifically my wife,
but that God was trying to call me and was using my wife to do that.
And every hair on my body stood up and I started to shake and I felt like God was right there
looking at me and I realized, whoa, this is not, this is serious.
This is actually a calling.
This is not a joke.
And so I went into a prayer about it and I voiced my objections to God.
And you know, well, I figured, be honest with them.
It's not like he doesn't already know my thoughts anyways.
So I was very blunt with him about how I felt about it, but I told him, you know what?
I know who you are.
I shouldn't be here.
I've been broken and you gave me my family back.
You gave me back.
I mean, you restored me.
You did so much for me.
And now you're trying to become my friend and now you're asking me to do this.
So I'm not about to say no.
I'm just saying, I'm going to say yes because it's you and I know who you are.
But as far as me, this is very uncomfortable.
So I'll make a deal.
You open up the doors.
You take ownership of it.
You set the agenda.
You run things and I'll be your human grunt.
But I can tell you, you know, to this very day, it shares you and I are speaking.
He's kept his end of the deal, which tells me everything that I need and everybody else
needs to know about how he feels about fathers, how he feels about fatherless children,
and how much, just how much he loves each and every one of us.
Thank you for sharing.
Yeah.
So on the next question, I'm a dad of a son who is diagnosed with type one diabetes at age
three.
Do you know very many dads with that experience?
And how are they benefiting from being connected socially?
There are some dads in our network that have children with diabetes.
That's 100% for sure.
But admittedly, that's not the main focus as far as the number of interviews I've done.
To give you a sense, I've probably done 75 to 80 interviews on autism, 40 something
on Down syndrome, maybe as many unsurpassable palsy, maybe as many are more on rare disease
because there's like six or seven thousand different rare diseases.
And then there's a more limited number of disabilities that relate to physical disabilities
as opposed to intellectual disabilities.
So diabetes is real, right?
So life altering can be a life ending experience if not treated.
So I think we need to be super focused on addressing that.
And diabetes can be managed, right?
In some cases, rather successfully over a very long period of time.
Certainly, if it's gotten properly diagnosed and it's treated correctly.
So I don't want to differentiate between, well, what does it like to be a father or
the child with diabetes versus fill in the blank, right?
We have some common fears and concerns, right?
You know, how is this going to affect my child's ability, right, to learn or physically
develop?
What's their future going to be like?
What's my relationship with my child going to be like because of that?
So these are all common experiences and fears that we have.
And I think it's important to not say, oh, I only want to associate with other dads
who have children with diabetes, right?
That might be helpful at least initially because you have something in common.
But I think that when you take a step back, when you widen your aperture and you understand
that there's basic human concerns that we have, we found with the groups of dads that
we get together within the special father's network, but it's less diagnosis specific.
And it's more important to be in contact with like-minded dads, right?
Yes.
Yes.
You know, not all of us are wired the same way, right?
You know, some of us see our primary role as being the provider, a more traditional experience,
right?
You know, I'm going to work.
I'm going to provide for my family, you know, let my wife handle all things, medical,
all things educational.
And I'm not here to judge, right?
If that's what works for your family, God bless you.
But you know, I think more is expected of dads today than ever before, which is a good thing.
You want dads to lean in, being a dad doesn't mean one thing, but you know, we've broken
fatherhood into four different categories to help dads get, you know, a little bit more engaged,
be present, physically, emotionally, and spiritually in their kids' lives.
So obviously there's a financial commitment, right?
Dads are expected to be providers, but how do we be present physically, right?
Especially for non-custodial dads to be present physically is a challenge.
But third is to be present emotionally.
I'm not an emotional creature, right?
Nobody wants an emotional financial advisor.
I'm pretty sure of that.
That's what I do.
Right?
Nobody wants an emotional like air travel, you know, you know, you want somebody who's going
to be steady, right?
Somebody who's, you know, going to be able to focus and stay, you know, on task.
And you know, so it's difficult for me.
And I think a lot of other guys to express their emotions, be empathetic, be sympathetic
to others.
You know, you hear the phrase, hey, you know, why don't you just put your big boy pants
on or, you know, suck it up.
And I think that, you know, there's a place for that, but, you know, I don't think that,
you know, that's what our family needs, right?
I think we need to be a little bit more engaged, you know, from an emotional standpoint.
And then the fourth aspect of fathering quadrant that we talk about is being spiritually
present.
And who's the spiritual leader in your family?
Sometimes it's both parents, sometimes it's the mom, sometimes it's the dad, sometimes
it's nobody.
And, you know, maybe you didn't grow up in a spiritual home, but, you know, it's something
to think about, right?
So we have a self-assessment tool that we created for dads to get some immediate feedback
on their fathering and it addresses each of those four areas.
Towards the end, I would like to cover how are those, how dads listening in our audience
can access that tool.
And I wanted to go on to the next thing.
I was wanting to really get into paternal postpartum depression, but the interesting thing about
that is that takes me back to the time when I was sitting in the doctor's office and my
son was being diagnosed with type one diabetes.
And the thoughts I went through that started to spiral and they said it could also be leukemia
and I kept thinking, you know, well, I sure hope it's leukemia.
Well, that's easy because if it's leukemia, well, you just, it's simple.
You just get a bone marrow transplant and that's it.
That's over with and everything's good and life is normal.
And then waiting in the doctor coming back in and confirming it was type one and my heart
sinking, spiraling emotionally, feeling very, very much disconnected, feeling alone.
And the one thing that I was hurting for the most would have been something like what
you're offering now.
A network of dads that I could connect with that I could talk to, not specifically just
type one dads, but dads who were dealing with other things as well, some of them harder
than what I was about to deal with.
That really would have done a lot to, for my own mental health, helping me to be able
to move on and see life past what I was facing.
The next question I have is how can a special needs child impact the dynamics of a marriage
and how can dads be prepared to handle it?
That's a great question, thanks, John.
So you're focused on the marriage and something that I've tried to drill down on with each
of the interviews that I do very similarly is to ask what impact has the child with disability
had on his or her siblings, if there are siblings, your marriage and the extended family,
like grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc.
Because it has an impact on all three of those.
It's various, right?
It impacts different families differently.
So I'll start by answering your question, not about marriage, but about the siblings, right?
Birth order has something to do with it.
And the trap that parents need to try to avoid is that the child with the disability is
going to, by definition, require more time and resources, right?
than the other children, just because of their situation.
And you don't want to wake up a year, a decade or longer down the road with the aha that,
oh my gosh, I didn't give my other child or children the attention that they deserved, right?
Because I was so focused on the child with special needs.
So that's one thing to be aware of.
And there are great resources, sibling resources in the marketplace.
The second part is you asked about marriage.
If you started with a strong marriage, hopefully it just strengthens your marriage.
If you're in a weak situation before the diagnosis, it's almost anybody's bad as to where that's
going to go.
So it has the ability to strengthen, get mom and dad on the same page and working together,
you know, against the disability and overcoming the challenges.
And you know, some of the challenges exist that both parents aren't knowledgeable and accepting
of the diagnosis.
And I think the messages you need to give your partner grace, right?
When they're not at the same level that you are.
And that's not always saying the mom is ahead of the dad or the dad is always ahead of
the mom.
It just has an impact, right?
Because we're not all dealing with the challenge in the same way at the same time.
So that's the thought that comes to mind as it relates to the impact on marriage.
I've seen it go both ways and strengthen some minutes weaken them.
And the third part of the question, at least the way I framed it is, what impact has the
disability had on the extended family?
And depending on the disability and the family structure and how close they are proximity
geographically, it's a lot easier for families when there's extended family in the neighborhood,
right?
That they can help out, right?
They can take some of the burden off of mom and dad to be doing everything so that they
can, you know, have a little bit more balance in their lives.
But not everybody has family members close by geographically.
And it's often that parents would report, dads would report that, you know, grandma and
grandpa don't get it, right?
They don't understand, you know, the challenge because they didn't have a child with a similar
special need when they were parenting.
So it takes little grace there to say, you know, it is really hard for our extended family
to appreciate, you know, what the day to day is.
And, you know, hopefully they can be supportive and be involved, but if they can't or won't,
you know, just accept that they might not fully appreciate or understand, you know, what's
going on and just consider yourself fortunate that, you know, if you do have an extended family
and they can play a role that they're able to be involved.
We love stories on this program.
Please share some success stories of dads you've helped through the Special Fathers Network.
You know, like I said, with 300 plus episodes, many of the dads would say, doing an interview,
talking about their situation, shining some light on it has been cathartic, right?
Just getting, you know, open about it, right?
Transparent about it.
And, you know, we've always thought and taught that, you know, when you show vulnerability,
it's a weakness, right?
You don't want to show weaknesses, right?
So we tend to hold those things and hold them pretty close.
So that's the general benefit, I think, that goes along with it.
We have had some guys join our mastermind groups.
These are the weekly meetup groups.
We've been piloting these for the last three years on Wednesday nights, two years on Tuesday
nights.
Now we're setting a goal to recruit 100 new men into the mastermind group concept.
These are virtual meetings on a weekly basis, and then we have an annual weekend retreat
where we get all the dads together.
The retreats have been in Nashville, St. Louis, in Chicago.
We're trying to keep them in the Midwest to make it as easy as possible for people to get
to and from and travel the shortest distance on average.
And during these weekly meetings, we talk about wins.
We review books, six books a year, so about two months per book, and then we have Zoom calls
with the authors.
These are all people within the network, by the way.
We have not had to reach outside our network for interesting and meaningful books.
And then the most meaningful aspect of this is the dad in the middle.
We have two dads in the middle, about 15 minutes each per week.
And dad gets to share a challenge or something that is going on.
And it could have to do with the child with special needs, could have to do with his marriage,
could have to do with something going on at work, it could have to do with his own health.
Anything, right?
And it's private.
The guys all listen and then they chime in.
You know, what about this?
What about that?
So we're getting to know each other on a really deep level.
And then we end the meetings, these 75 minute meetings, with what are we looking forward
to?
So the point is, we want to start on a positive note.
What was the win?
Smaller, large from the past week?
Because if we wanted to, we could all play the hardship of the Olympics and try to out
to each other, right, about how hard things have been the past week.
That's not the form that we've created.
And so a couple of dads come to mind.
I'm not going to mention them by name, but if they were to listen to this podcast, they
would know who they are.
But oftentimes the dad is going to come in.
He's in a lot of pain, right?
He's not where he wants to be with his spouse.
He's not where he wants to be psychologically with his relationship with his child or children.
And it's really painful.
He might be in therapy already, maybe, maybe not.
And he's looking for whether he realizes or not an opportunity to just be authentic, be
himself, and be in a company with like-minded dads.
And we've had a number of these dads.
By the way, they pay $50 to $200 a month to be involved.
Let me put another number to that.
That's $600 a 24-hundred dollars a year to be involved in the mastermind group, right?
This is not one of these charity hand-out things.
They're investing their time.
And as importantly, they've got some skin of the game financially.
That's why we have such a high attendance.
And many of them would say that they saved their marriage, right?
It saved their lives in some situations, like they were suicidal about their situation.
And what a reassuring experience that is when these dads share their testimony to one
another and that these were treats that we have.
So those are a couple of thoughts that come to mind.
If there's a stepdad or possible stepdad entering the life of a special needs child, what
should he expect and how should he prepare?
So we do have quite a few stepdads just by definition, a man who is married to a woman who
has a child or children with special needs.
So he's come in with both eyes open, right?
He's sort of being intentional about accepting the responsibility that goes along with being
a father.
And most of them would say, you know, we don't differentiate between our stepkids and our
biological kids to be a father to a young boy or a young girl, you know, with a disability.
So the advantage that that father has is that, you know, he's not taken by surprise, not
blindsided.
Most parents, John, don't ask for children with special needs, right?
Most of our dads would say, almost to a person, I would not have asked for a child with special
needs.
But many of them, I don't know if it's a majority, but certainly a plurality of our dads with
a decade or decades of experience will tell you, I would not have asked for a child with special
needs, but knowing everything I know today, I wouldn't change anything, right?
I'm the person I am today, our family is strong.
We have great friends, it's strengthened, you know, relationships all the way around.
They didn't say it was easy.
Some of them have a lot of hardship.
In some cases, one or more of their children dies, right?
I've done at least two dozen interviews of dads that have lost a child, either from the
time of birth as a newborn, as a toddler, as a teenager, or somebody in their 20s or 30s
for that matter.
You know, a lot of these kids are medically fragile, especially the ones with rare disease.
You know, their life expectancy can be quite short.
But I think that the advantage that the dads have, the stepfather, specifically, like you
were asking about is that they're coming in with both eyes open, right?
And, you know, I really, really admire those dads.
Similarly, to dads that are adopting kids with special needs, right?
These are amazing human beings.
As long as we're talking about this, one of the things that I've witnessed, John, is
that the parents, moms and dads who are raising kids with special needs, on average, are
more humble, less arrogant, and less selfish than the general population.
And the world need more humble, less arrogant, and less selfish people.
I am absolutely.
Absolutely.
Statement, but you could read between the lines.
Well, David, how can dads connect with you?
Listen to your podcast or learn more about special fathers network.
The easiest thing to do is go to the website, 21st century dads.org.
They can send me an email at David@21stcenturydads.org.
And the podcast is on all the popular podcast platforms.
It's known as the SFN Dad to Dad podcast.
You know, if you see it, it looks a little bit like a Superman logo.
You know, I would love to connect with any of your dads, whether they have a child with
special needs, a family member with special needs or disability, or they just have questions,
right?
Because they're compassionate about this.
And just to make things easier to, if you go to the fatherhoodchallenge.com, that's the
fatherhoodchallenge.com.
If you go to this episode, look right below the episode description.
And I will have the links that David just mentioned posted there.
One thing I always enjoy about these times is learning things.
And I definitely learned something from you, many things from you today, actually.
And I know our audience did too.
So thank you so much for being on the program.
Well, Jonathan, thank you for the opportunity.
Let's give a special shout out to our mutual friend, Reno Friedman Watts.
Yes.
That's a very podcast host from introducing us.
Thank you, Reno.
Thank you for listening to this episode of the Fatherhood Challenge.
If you would like to contact us, listen to other episodes, find any resource mentioned in
this program or find out more information about the Fatherhood Challenge.
Please visit thefatherhoodchallenge.com.
That's thefatherhoodchallenge.com.
[MUSIC]
Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/thefatherhoodchallengepodcast/donations29m - Apr 16, 2024 - Dads Competitive Sports and God
Competitive sports, extracurricular activities and programs for kids are popular in schools and homes. Parents invest a lot of time and money in getting their kids to practice and games or performance events. But is there a danger to all of this that can damage or destroy family relationships?
My guest is National Chess Master and owner of Premier Chess who manages programs for students of all ages and levels, Evan Rabin.
If you would like to connect with Evan Rabin or learn more about the educational programs at Premier Chess, visit: https://premierchess.com/
Email: evan@premierchess.com
Special thanks to Zencastr for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. Use my special link https://zen.ai/CWHIjopqUnnp9xKhbWqscGp-61ATMClwZ1R8J5rm824WHQIJesasjKDm-vGxYtYJ to save 30% off your first month of any Zencastr paid plan.
Transcription - Dads Competitive Sports and God
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Competitive sports and extracurricular activities and programs for kids are popular in schools and homes.
Parents invest a lot of time and money in getting their kids to practice in games or performance events.
But is there a danger to all of this that can damage or destroy family relationships?
Find out in just a moment.
Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge, a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere,
to take great pride in their role and a challenge society to understand how important fathers are to the stability and culture of their family's environment.
Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.
Greetings everyone, thank you so much for joining me.
My guest is National Chess Master and owner of Premier Chess, who manages programs for students of all ages and levels.
Evan Rabin.
Evan, thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge.
Yeah, thank you so much for being here. It's my pleasure.
Evan, I am curious, what is your favorite dad joke?
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
Oh, I know I've never heard this one before.
What was the answer?
Because he was chicken.
I love that one.
Yeah, it's a good one.
Well, Evan, let's start with your story behind how you became a National Chess Master
and now you're running student programs. How did this happen?
It's a good, very good question.
So I first started playing chess when I was very young.
I was seven years old.
My brother and my dad taught me how to move the pieces.
And I quickly started playing the program at my school, the Churchill School.
And I pretty much started playing very actively since then.
I actually played the Nationals two months after I learned how to move the pieces,
basically, and just kept going with it when I was 20.
I made National Master.
And when I was 12, I actually started teaching chess off off and on.
And seven years ago now in 2017, I started Premier Chess.
And now we have 65 coaches.
We run programs in 80 schools, a bunch of companies like Google and City Group.
And we also do a lot of camps, tournaments, private lessons, etc.
All over the country.
That's amazing.
What was your goal behind starting Premier Chess?
Pretty much the biggest thing was to follow my passion.
Before that, I did enterprise sales at Oracle and Rapid Seven.
It was fun. I enjoyed it.
I made pretty good money doing it.
But at the end of the day, I didn't really to CIOs that much.
And I felt kind of bad in the way, almost, that I would just...
Well, they felt bad, but it's just probably like I was, you know, thinking a little bit, almost.
Where, you know, I was selling something that I didn't really know about.
You know, until this day, I don't really know exactly what an engineered system is.
But, you know, that's what I was selling at the time.
And basically, I said, you know, why don't I sell my true passion of Chess?
So, that's what I'm doing.
And, you know, it's just a lot more relatable.
And, you know, I'm an expert in the field.
So, it's great to do what I love and sell what I love.
Is it ever more than just being about Chess?
Is there something else besides the game that you are offering?
Absolutely.
So, when we're teaching Chess, we're also teaching business and life lessons through the game.
So, very often, actually, I'll meet people networking and they'll say,
"Great to meet you. You know, we'll definitely keep you in mind."
You know, here, Chess players looking for, you know, a coach.
But, I always say that our target market is actually not Chess players.
You know, for the most part, people who are more serious about Chess, you know,
they actually have the coaching that they need or want.
But, really, we're more interested actually talking to the schools and companies,
other organizations that want to learn things like
critical thinking, healthy competition at the law firm.
We teach about judgment training, you know, on the one hand, you know.
Wow.
Law in and out, you know, basically, but when you're on trial or a deadline,
you need to take everything you know and put it into basically a few minutes of work sometimes.
And it's the same thing in Chess, of course.
I tell students all the time, even if it's an opening or a middle game or an end game,
that you've looked at a billion times in theory, you still need to make sure you're spending time at the board
and making sure that you're, you know, doing things correctly.
So sometimes I'll teach you an opening, for instance, and then I'll say, "Oh, let's review it."
But then I'll purposely make a slightly different move, sort of secretly.
And they'll just kind of blindly play the move I taught.
And I say, "But didn't you realize that I actually did something a little different?"
And I'm like, "Oh, no, because they were just so rushing to play, you know, exactly what I taught them."
And I was really just testing to see like, "Oh, are you actually going to think on your feet
and realize that I did something slightly different?"
Or you're just going to go through the motions.
So critical thinking skills are a huge part of what you're teaching.
It's beyond just the game itself, but you're teaching kids and maybe even adults to actually think for themselves in life.
Absolutely.
What are the benefits of dads getting their kids involved in competitive sports or the arts?
The biggest thing is just being able to get yourself out there, get yourself exposed.
And it's also, of course, very important for college and career.
I've been able to build such a great community and chess that has helped not just in my business, but also before.
When I was in college, for instance, one of my good friends called Adyemi, helped tutor me finance and whatnot,
and also helped me in my career search quite a bit.
Many other chess friends have helped, and now I'm given back all the time through other people and thinking forward.
So yeah, it's community, but then it's also just self-self-growth.
And that's why I do actually tell students all the time that if it's a chess, stick to chess, if it's basketball, fine, stick to basketball.
Develop one or two extra career killers that you're really into and be able to grow with those.
I think people do sometimes try to get into too many different things, actually, and it kind of hurts them overall.
I see this all the time where they spread their kids too thin.
The kids are involved in programs outside of school. They're involved in sometimes more than one athletic program within school.
They have their academics to be concerned about, and they don't do very well.
They are actually some of the slowest performing students, because they can't really concentrate and do anything well.
And their parents are just, they have their kids way, way too busy for their age that they really can't even be a kid.
They can't be a kid, but then also they don't practice, right?
I've actually, for instance, I'm in a lot of parent groups on Facebook all over the country.
And, you know, I'm relatively often actually, I'll see someone say, "Oh, do you know any piano teachers that have their own instruments?"
You know, as if they don't want to bite, right? And I'm right away thinking, "What about that's ridiculous? How are they going to learn piano or any other instrument if they don't want to have an instrument at home?"
You know, I think they're in practice throughout the week.
And in a similar vein, right? I always tell students, right? Even if they take private lessons with us, they're in a school program with us once or twice a week.
Right? Make sure that our next lesson is not the next time that you're playing or learning chess, right? And you still need to be pretty consistent throughout the week.
Absolutely. I love this. The other thing that makes me wonder, sometimes if the parents have these kids so busy to compensate for something else, maybe they really are uncomfortable just spending that one in one time bonding with their own children.
And so they're using something else to keep them from actually having to build that connection in a meaningful way.
Absolutely.
What are the advantages to putting your kids in either athletics or an art? So is there an advantage to your kid being in the arts versus being an athletics or one of the other or is there no advantage at all?
Honestly, really, I think just depends on the kid. If they're more athletic, all the power to them. I have a nine-month-old daughter now. So we're not, you know, yet thinking about extra curriculars too much, of course.
One thing I definitely plan on is getting her exposed to everything. And then wherever she wants to go with them, that's where she wants to come.
So it's more of athletic route, playing volleyball, basketball, whatever it is.
No, great. No, no. I was actually just listening on a different dad podcast the other day.
That's one of the biggest things that you should actually do is, ever early on, give them decision-making abilities.
Oh, wow.
I'm not like when they go to college, that's the first time they're like, wow, what a major, et cetera. They should be trying to figure out many different choices from simple things like what's for dinner tonight? Have them have a say in it?
I had a fascinating guest on, and actually two guests that talked on this topic of what you can do with things you can do with a baby.
And it turns out that intellectual development or brain development and athletics, so to speak, in a newborn or a baby, are very, very much linked together.
In other words, developing core strength and developing eye coordination, eye movement, just brain development, they're linked together through play, through actual physical play with your baby.
So what are your thoughts on that? And in your own experience, you're a new dad. Have you ever seen play really help with your child's development?
Absolutely. Actually, in the beginning, my grandmother actually was yelling at us for not having her have enough toys. I grew up in the college of 94 and very healthy and very good, but she also very much will always say her opinion.
Which I'm actually incredibly grateful for, of course. But, we weren't spending enough energy making sure that she had toys and whatnot.
And yeah, I really do think that it's incredibly important to constantly get her developing. It's under, you know, under control, of course.
Yeah, so it's fascinating. It's beyond just school programs later in life. This development starts very, very early, even from when they are a baby. And this isn't something you want to just hand off to somebody else as a parent.
This is something you're going to want to roll up your sleeves and get involved with early because that's how you begin and maintain that bonding process that can really help you later on down the road when they become a teenager.
And let's shift back to chess a little bit. What are kids learning from your chess program besides the game and how does that give them a personal advantage in life?
So there's several factors, of course. So, you know, making sure that you're looking ahead, you're realizing that, you know, time is valuable.
And also just making you think about different options. So I myself, by the way, actually had a learning disability growing up. I went to a school called Churchill in New York when I was, you know, very young.
And to you know, if I was upset, you know, unfortunately, I was likely to, you know, yell at another kid or hit another case even, you know, in some cases.
But I really do think chess, you know, actually helped me in some ways and made me realize that there are different options, you know, out there.
And, you know, I could tell the teacher I could ignore it. I could, you know, tell another student and something was, you know, disturbing me.
And, yeah, there were a lot of other options out there. And that's why I do tell students, you know, every time you make a move, make sure you're at least considering two or three alternatives.
And you should never, yeah, typically make the first move that you see necessarily, right? You can make that move eventually. But if you are, make sure you're at least considering some alternatives.
Now let's look at the flip side of the topic. What are some negative effects of competitive athletic or arts programs? In what ways can it be harmful to or damaging family relationships or even health?
Anything could definitely, if it's not in moderation, be actually harmful. I personally, you know, see a lot of chess parents that could be a little bit too crazy about their kids and results.
You know, one thing I always actually talk about is how, like when we run our tournaments, the kids relatively easy to deal with the parents. Most of them are absolutely great.
But some of them could be a little bit difficult. You know, they don't leave the room when we tell them to leave the room.
Because they're some like helicopter parents. In one case, one of the top grandmasters in the country. I won't mention his name, but in the past, when we were both in high school,
we had to take the tournaments and literally, in some cases, I heard the dad like publicly yell at him, you know, that he would lose a game. You know, this and that.
It wasn't good for him at all. And obviously, yeah, did not go over well. I think maybe even got to a point where he was welcome at the club and not his like father.
Yeah, just just like, you know, pretty, pretty crazy at the time. So I think that the short of it is that, yes, you do want to get a little bit of all with with with your kids.
You know, but you should step to the side a little bit as well.
You know, I also have seen many cases, you know, kid, not really wanting to, you know, listen to the teacher much.
You know, because the parent is right there in the parent. And I, you know, I've in a couple cases that we did actually a snow day virtual camp a couple weeks ago.
It was one younger girl, you know, who's like five signed up for the camp. And, you know, she was a little upset and the mom was kind of there, you know, supporting her.
And I actually privately messaged her in the chat with, with all due respect.
And I said, you should, you know, go do your thing, you know, work for the day, whatever. You know, and she's like, Oh, I don't really know she, she maybe I should get a refund because my kid is young most of the other kids are older.
And I said, just trust me, just literally leave five minutes and into what happens and then throughout the day, the girl was more than fine, you know, loved it.
All it was was, you know, if she was a sand holding a little bit too much.
I love the story that you brought out about the dad yelling because I see so many times where parents will live their own lives, either their successes or they will live their failures vicariously through their kids.
Instead of their kids letting, letting their kids have their own experience, they burden their kids and they put their own experiences or missed experiences and put that burden on their kids.
And they may not even be aware that they're doing it, but it's really damaging. And that's one area where I see that can be really damaging to, to that relationship, putting undue unnecessary pressure on a child.
Yeah, I mean, I think that's crucial, you know, to think about.
Do you ever see those conflicts and goals between a student and a parent or a dad?
I haven't so much, you know, I would say that, you know, pour them into something we, you know, strongly encourage, of course, to, you know, all students.
Actually, I was actually at a recital a couple of years ago, one of my good friends, Mike Papapalu owned a company guitar guy go over, they do piano and guitar lessons and other instruments as well.
And actually a couple of years ago, he partnered with this guy, Scott, something or other.
And one thing Scott actually said that I really actually appreciated was you guys are going to learn more in this recital.
Then you have in the last, you know, seven months, you know, learn, learn.
And I really do think that that made a lot of sense, you know, I think, you know, what was the point of learning an instrument for six months if you're not going to like perform at all.
And it's definitely similar in chess and in tournaments.
You could take lessons every week for a long time, but you're not really going to get better until you're like starting to play some tournaments here and there.
It's about conquering a fear that the otherwise would not have had the courage to conquer if they really didn't have that structure in those lessons to really hold them accountable.
It's a lot of fun to really teach different tricks and tips to help them overcome their anxiety and help them to focus.
So in chess, are there ever strategies that you teach that really helped to hone in and develop focus and concentration?
Yeah, so definitely a fair amount. I mean, obviously that is huge. And I always tell students that you do need to study a lot of jazz.
Of course, if you want to get better, but you also have to learn how to focus at the board, which honestly, even myself, you know, compared to other masters in particular.
I just struggled with focusing. You know, I just, I'm actually reading now book about the Kasparov Carpov match in 1985.
And Kasparov talked a couple times about how he and Carpov, you know, it's been 30, 40 minutes on one move.
So it's probably, in some cases, a little bit too much, but you know, it just goes to study that he focuses very, very, very key.
And a lot of players, including myself, you know, will fall into the trap, but wow, this move is so obvious.
And you make it instantly. And right after you play, you're like, wow, I should have considered these two things.
Or, you know what, even worse, I missed this very easy win for him. I usually should have seen, but I did.
And the only reason you missed it is you move too quickly. And very often too, you know, students will miss simple tactics, which are, you know, for those that don't know, basically a small series of moves too.
Basically, usually one material, in some cases, checkmate. And, you know, they'll miss it, simply because they weren't looking for it.
So yesterday I was actually looking at a game with the student. It was a very short game actually from Larry Christianson, who's the several time US champion.
We still actually played together in the Boston team of the US Chessley.
And he actually meet on a car path with currently World Champion in 13 move in car pod miss something relatively very, I mean, not even relatively, you know, very simple.
But it simply was because he wasn't looking for, you know, tactics.
And yeah, I teach that game all the time now to the students just to show that, you know, even like a lead World champion, you know, he's putting his guard down and not focusing.
And then, you know, you could lose the game in 13 moves, which is like almost unheard of.
This question, this next question is a question that has taken a lot of discipline for me not to ask this question in the very beginning because I honestly don't know the answer to this question.
And it's been burning on my mind. So I've saved it for last.
You've talked about a connection between chess and understanding God. And I'm really curious to know what that connection is.
So there's definitely I think several different answers to this question. I've actually had several rabbis on my own podcast.
Actually just last night we published an episode with two rabbis who are actually both rabbis.
Obviously, but also physics experts. They actually have their own podcast physics to God.
Oh, wow, super, super interesting. The king is the only piece in chess that does not get captured.
So a lot of beginners, but they actually have a very common mistake that you win a game by capturing your opponent's king, but no, that doesn't happen in chess.
So the king is not being captured and God is always there. Wherever you are, a big believer in that.
Sometimes we don't know the answer. Why? Yeah, it does. But once certain things, but there's always a reason for that.
And I'm a big believer of that. Very, very powerful. Evan, how can dads listening connect with you or learn more about your chess programs?
Yeah, thank you so much. For one, I'm really grateful for this appearance. I do also want to give a quick shout out to our mutual friend, Rina of the better called Daddy Show for introducing us.
She's just an absolute great connector. And yeah, thank you so much to her as well.
But yeah, if anyone does want to reach out, learn more about chess. We do work with a lot of schools, companies, individuals.
Whether or not you're looking to go and pay for lessons, we definitely love to be a resource, a network or a connector, many other things as well.
Yeah, you could definitely email me at evan@premierchess.com, or website, premierchess.com. And we'd love to be in touch.
And just to make things easier, if you go to the fatherhoodchallenge.com, that's the fatherhoodchallenge.com. If you go to this episode, look right below the episode description.
I will have all of the links that Evan just mentioned posted there for your convenience as well.
Evan, as we close, what is your challenge to dads listening now?
Just being able to kind of live in the moment, be present. I now have, as I said before, a nine-month-old daughter, Maya.
And frankly, in the last nine months, I've been somewhat behind on my business and whatnot.
And I pulled that to my wife a couple times and some other people as well. And at times, actually, somewhat regretted that.
We didn't have a babysitter earlier. We actually got one a couple of weeks ago. But at the end of the day, I have no regrets at all.
I guess I am somewhat flexible as an entrepreneur. And I've been able to kind of juggle, take care of the baby and, you know, and, you know, and, you know, running the business.
But, yeah, I just want to say that, you know, don't have any regrets. And along with that, you know, it's very easy to make mistakes.
Of course, you know, especially your first time, you know, parents' things still are all the time, obviously. And, you know, just rolled punches. It's okay. You know, every guy that makes mistakes.
That's absolutely true. Well, Evan, I have learned so much from you, so I definitely know dads listening have as well.
Thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge. I really appreciate it.
Thank you so much, my sincere pleasure.
Thank you for listening to this episode of The Fatherhood Challenge. If you would like to contact us, listen to other episodes, find any resource mentioned in this program or find out more information about The Fatherhood Challenge, please visit TheFatherhoodChallenge.com. That's TheFatherhoodChallenge.com.
[MUSIC]
Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/thefatherhoodchallengepodcast/donations29m - Apr 9, 2024 - Hacks to Parenting Teens and Tweens
Are you a dad with a teen or tween and you are feeling overwhelmed and out of your league on how to parent and connect with them? Do you feel like you can’t relate to their world but wish you had a relationship where they trusted you with everything? I’ve brought a guest on the program who can help you parent your teen or tween with confidence and build a strong connection with them.
My guest is certified professional teen life coach Kevin Baker. Kevin’s specialty is empowering teens and tweens to build self esteem, boost confidence and overcome limiting beliefs to be the best version of themselves.
If you would like to connect with Kevin Baker or receive coaching you can find him at: https://lifecoachkevin.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lifecoachkevin/
Special thanks to Zencastr for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. Use my special link https://zen.ai/CWHIjopqUnnp9xKhbWqscGp-61ATMClwZ1R8J5rm824WHQIJesasjKDm-vGxYtYJ to save 30% off your first month of any Zencastr paid plan.
Transcription - Hacks to Parenting Teens and Tweens
---
Are you a dad with a teen or a tween and you're feeling overwhelmed and out of your league
on how to parent and connect with them?
Do you feel like you can't relate to their world but wish you had a relationship where
they trusted you with everything?
I brought a guest on the program who can help you parent your teen or tween with confidence
and build a strong connection with them.
He will join us in just a moment so don't go anywhere.
Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge, a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere
to take great pride in their role and a challenge society to understand how important fathers
are to the stability and culture of their family's environment.
Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.
Greetings everyone.
Thank you so much for joining me.
My guest is Certified Professional Teen, Life Coach, Kevin Baker.
Kevin's specialty is empowering teens and tweens to build self-esteem, boost confidence
and overcome limiting beliefs to be the best version of themselves.
Kevin, thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge.
Oh yeah, thank you.
Thank you, Jonathan.
Happy to be here.
We're going to start out with my favorite question.
Kevin, what is your favorite dad joke?
Why did the coffee fall a police report?
Why did the coffee mug file a police report?
Because I don't know.
Because he got mugged.
I absolutely love that joke.
Well, thank you.
My kids love to roll their eyes at all of them.
As long as the dads are chuckling, then I've done my job.
Yeah, it qualifies then.
It definitely qualifies.
Well, Kevin, let's get into your story.
What is the story behind what led you to coach teens and tweens?
You know, I guess looking way back on it, you know, it all started when my wife and I decided
to have children.
That started my journey on parenthood and being a father and learning all sorts of things
about childhood development, medical issues, mental health issues, school issues, social issues,
you know, everything that gets thrown at you as a parent.
And you know, fast forward about 14 years later, 13 years later, I found myself, I was
with a lot of time on my hands.
And I had to do some soul searching and figure out how is I going to have the greatest positive
impact on as many people as possible with the time that I have here on earth.
And through a lot of soul searching and reading and having conversations and being coached
myself, I came up with life coaching and specifically for teens and tweens because I'm in the
thick of it.
So you know, it helps my personal growth.
It allows me to have meaningful purpose.
I develop all sorts of fantastic relationships with all sorts of fantastic people and that's
what drives me.
Making a difference, you know, that moment when you're having a conversation with a kiddo
and you know, the light bulb goes off and they get it and you're able to change what was
a roadblock or an invisible barrier when you're able to get rid of that so they can move on
to be the best version of themselves.
That's really the story of why.
That's my why.
And I'm here to get the message out that life coaching is not just for adults and kiddos
need positive mentors and role models and positive influence and they need people to ask those
thought provoking questions that help pull the answers out of their subconscious because
the kiddos they have the answers, they need the guidance and the friendly input in order
to help get those answers out so they can fulfill their life's purpose.
And you said on that calling, did it really ever dawn on you that what you are really doing
is leaving a legacy behind with many teens?
It did.
It did and that was part of my checklist.
I have a whole career checklist that I used to get here and leaving a legacy was a big
part of it.
I want to have my positive impact that I can make on just one kiddo.
Have that reverberate throughout the world long after I'm gone because it's like the
old story goes you hold door open for someone going into a building in the morning and before
you know they are holding the door open for somebody else.
It's the power of positivity helping encourage that mindset that'll leave that legacy behind.
I've heard it said of dads that they can either do the hard work early or they can do the
hard work later.
If they do the work and they bond with their child at infancy the teen years are easier.
Is that actually true?
Easier than what?
You know I think the entire experience of fatherhood is hard work.
You know it's really hard.
It's very important to bond with your child while they're in infant having that you know
chest to chest time.
You know let them feel your heart beating.
Let them breathe with you in rhythm.
And it's important for you to play catch with them in the backyard.
You know when they're growing up and you know it never gets easier.
It's just the challenges get different.
The challenges change.
And as long as you're present, empathetic and guide your children to make the best possible
choices that they can in life.
You know I think that's what it's all about and if you can foster the importance of choices
and the consequences of those choices so that they're aware of them every step of the
way.
Yeah it might get easier as you go but I don't know if there's a tradeoff for infancy
versus the teenage years in particular.
So it sounds like really what you're saying is what's required is full engagement from
infancy, all the way into the handoff to adulthood.
And even then there's still going to be engagement in the adult years as well that there's
never really a moment or a time in the development phases where you really let off the gas.
I do let off the gas in the sense that I like the kids to go on their own adventures.
I like them to discover who they are on their own and make choices and decisions according
to that knowing that they're going to have consequences from the choices.
I never stop giving them an opportunity to do that.
I like to put them in different situations all the time.
Whether it be engaging in different social arenas or engaging in different activities, sporting
activities, family trips, traveling, even giving them a freedom to head into the market.
And here's the money, that's your budget, here's what we need.
Come on out when you're ready.
When you're done.
And bring the change.
But those sorts of things, those sorts of things really empower them.
And they give them a sense of freedom, it builds confidence and self-esteem.
So father's job is never really done.
Talk to that dad who thinks or knows that he's made mistakes with his child or his children
and he feels disconnected from them and doesn't know where to begin repairing things.
That one hits close to home a little bit.
And the thing that I have to say is it's never too late to be the best you can be.
And it's never too late to be empathetic, to be a really, really good listener and to bond,
and to try and discover who your child is on the inside and what drives them and what
emotions they're feeling and what thoughts they're having and how their thoughts affect
their emotions and how their emotions affect their behaviors and how their behaviors affect
their actions.
And to really find out who they are as a whole person, it's never too late to get involved
and to let them know that you're ready.
But if there's their dads out there that feel like they have made mistakes, we're all human
and we all make mistakes.
The only way I know how to be a parent is from how my parents parented me and the only
way they knew how to be parents is because they learned from their parents.
And that goes on for generations.
So we all make mistakes, but it's what we do to repair them, to make amends, get rid
of the baggage from the past and not even worry about the future that much but to be present
and engage and smile and have fun and give the kiddos the dad and the childhood that
they deserve.
I think that breathes so much hope into a dad that's in that scenario where for whatever
reason he missed out or he wasn't there, wasn't present and he feels like now he needs to
make it up and he's trying to to establish that bond later.
The other thing I find really interesting is I'll use my wife for example, she's middle
age.
Both of her parents are still very, very much involved in her life and that that echoes
what you said earlier and that is that you never stop being a parent.
Maybe the way you do it changes slightly but that never stops.
So as long as your kids are alive, it's never too late.
Never too late.
Never too late and parents have different roles all throughout their lives.
So I've three children and my oldest, I was a certain version of myself.
When she was born and three years later, you know, guess what?
When we had our son, our second child, I had changed again and by the third child, I was
an entirely different person.
So each child has different versions of their parents and parents change over time too
and we all know that the kiddos grow up and they change.
There's always a place for parenting, whether or not the relationship is at a place where
they want to accept advice or not, that's another thing.
But I think there's always a role for a parent in a child's life in vice versa.
We love stories.
Please share some of your best and insightful experiences helping teens that you've worked
with.
And one of the favorite experiences working with a kid out was he had come to me, actually
his mother had come to me and said, you know, he is very depressed.
He won't get out of bed in the morning.
He doesn't like to go to school.
He doesn't think he has a future.
I don't know what to do.
He's having suicidal thoughts.
We've been in therapy for years and we're stuck.
Coach Kevin can you help us?
You know, I really, I felt that.
That got me emotional.
You know, and I said, yeah, I sure will.
Within two weeks, this kiddo, we were able to really, really dig deep and build awareness
around some of the negative, limiting thoughts and beliefs that he had that were automatically
coming to, coming as soon as he would open his eyes in the morning.
They would start.
And we, we practiced techniques.
We had some heart to heart.
We did the exercises long story short.
I talked to him last week.
I think before his family left for Safari in Africa and he was ready to apply to colleges.
And he's so excited about his future.
It was a transformation that, you know, it happened so quickly and I'm so proud of it for
doing the hard work.
And when you get a client, when you get a student, when you get a kiddo, that is as invested
as you are in helping and making things better.
Can you see that kind of progress?
You know, it can't help but make you feel great.
Do you see any difference between the teens that you've helped, the ones that have fathers
and their lives and the ones that don't?
What difference is if any do you see?
I don't know exactly the level of participation that the fathers have had in their lives, but
I can tell you that the fathers that with no uncertainty have participated to the best
of their ability.
The kiddo holds them, you know, with a certain level of respect.
I think that is the main difference is that when the father is involved and he's an active
participant and he's, you know, helps to guide their kiddo, you know, that young adult
will always somewhere in the back of their mind.
Here are their father's voice, along with their own internal narrative.
And I think that's the main difference is that, you know, the fathers have, you know, instilled
these, you know, I call them little golden nuggets, you know, information and guidance and
tricks, you know, that they practice.
Probably that, you know, a lot of their fathers handed down to them.
Yeah, I absolutely love that.
Here's another way and a lot of times when we talk about an absent father, we, for some reason
we automatically associate that with a physical absence.
And yes, that is most definitely an absence, a form of absence, but there's also an emotional
absence.
Yeah.
That can have just as damaging of an effect on, on a teen.
So is there anything that can be done in a situation like that to try to mitigate some
of that damage and repair the relationship and bring it to health?
The most important thing, an absent, you know, an absent father, you know, maybe it's an
emotionally absent father can do one of the most important things they can do to bring
it back and try and repair that is to, is to really try to envision what life looks like
from that through their eyes and try to imagine the feelings they're feeling, the thoughts
they're having, what their expectations are.
And then really talk to them about that and say, you know, I can tell, I know that you're
feeling anxious or I know you're overwhelmed, you know, with all the schoolwork you have
or I can tell you feel, you know, betrayed or overwhelmed, you know, whatever the feeling
is that they're having, try to try to really empathize with them and view things from their
perspective because really connection is all about emotional, and it's about understanding
the feelings and emotions that the child is feeling so that you can empathize with that
because if they see that, if they understand that, okay, now we're on the same page, you
can see it from my perspective.
I think that'll go a long way in earning the respect to repair any damage that's been
done from being emotionally unavailable in the past.
I think that's a huge gold nugget just to try to summarize it and make sure we understand
correctly, you're placing a huge value on communicating their feelings, not projecting
your own, but listening, spending a lot of time listening to their feelings and then verbally
acknowledging their feelings so that they can verify within themselves that you, you understand
you're picking up on it and you can relate to their feelings that you're actually trying
to put yourself into their shoes and understand life and their world from their lens and
that alone can go a long way in creating that bond, especially if that bond has been missing,
you can repair the damage that way that I understand it correctly.
Yeah, you hit the nail in the head, 100%, you know, dad gets me, you know, that's where we
want to, you know, bring the relationship to, you know, dad gets me, he understands.
He knows what I'm going through, he knows my feelings, he knows, he knows, you know, what
trigger those feelings and, you know, now we can work together to take next steps in life
and fostering open communication about emotions is huge.
You know, that, that, I think, is the holy grail of fatherhood.
You know, if you can, if you can be on the same page emotionally with your kids and understand
the feelings, their feeling and why they're feeling them and help them to process those
emotions and regulate them, you know, that's what parents know about as a father to the
adult.
One of the things I'm learning from my own journey, my own experience is that there is
a high value when I also communicate my own positive feelings towards my sons when I
acknowledge what they've done accomplishments.
And I think what's, what I've learned is just as important is when I acknowledge their
value and I disconnect their value from their accomplishments.
In other words, you're not valuable because I decided that you're valuable, you're valuable
because you're created.
You have your own value and, and there's nothing I can do to add or, or detract from that
value, it is who you are.
And so I am here just enjoying that, appreciating that and, and you need to know that, you need to
be aware of your value.
And there is nothing that you can do to change that value, to make it grow or to make it
less.
You are valuable the way you are.
And, and I've learned that when I do that boy, that also goes a long ways in towards that
bond.
Oh, yeah, what a, what a positive way to approach that.
I love that.
You know, I just, you know, their existence, you know, their existence is valued.
You know, they are a part of you and a very big important part of you.
You know, there's nothing that that could happen that anybody could do or say.
That's going to make you value them less sort or love them less.
There was a guest, the former guest that came on here, and it was Dr. Canfield, and she
talked about eye contact and how important eye contact is.
So I've learned that, and I'm curious what you think of the importance of asking questions,
and making eye contact when you're asking those questions, like just questions about
what's going on in their world and mixing that with eye contact.
Oh, eye contact is one of the most important forms of communication.
And you can read so much from it.
So when you're having that conversation, when you're asking a question to your, to your
child, you know, you see what happens with their eyes.
Do they go, do they go to the right?
Do they go to the left?
Do they go up?
Do they go down?
You know, do you know, are they, are they trying to, you can tell, you know, are they trying
to remember something or are they trying to fabricate something or, you know, what exactly
is, is going on and you can read a lot into their body language from how they respond
with their eyes.
But you, intently looking into their eyes gives them a sense that you're engaged and you're
present and you are not only interested in your question, but interested in their answer.
And that helps them to feel valued, helps them to feel empowered.
Like I said, it's one of the most important aspects of how we communicate.
What are some of your favorite bonding rituals with your teens?
Hmm, you know, my favorite bonding ritual with my kiddos, uh, two, one is skiing.
We'd love to go skiing as a family.
It's one of those things we look forward to every winter and it's priceless.
You know, my wife and I say that the family that skis together stays together and we're,
we like to practice that.
And I love that.
And you know, the other bonding ritual is, you know, it's a little bit unorthodox, I'd say,
or maybe not.
But we like to play video games together.
Yeah, I think it's really important for, you know, me to see what they like to do,
and for me to get into their world a little bit.
And so when we have an opportunity, you know, to all five of us, you know, get on a, a
co-op game together, you know, work together as a team, or, you know, play hide and seek, you
know, that sort of engagement in the digital world sort of lets them know that, you know, dad's
fun, you know, dad can hang.
And, you know, I think that goes a lot way, a, a, a long way in, in helping build bonds.
I really love that.
One of the things that I've learned is how valuable having a family hobby can be, things
that you all enjoy that you can just have fun doing.
Uh, in our case, one of our family hobbies is remote control cars.
Everyone has, has their own car that they like.
And when we go on vacations, but it's not just vacations.
I mean, if the weather is really, really nice, we'll just go right outside in the yard.
And, uh, we just have lots of, uh, we'll trade cars and, and switch vehicles.
Yeah, it, and it's fun.
It gets really interesting looks from other families, they'll walk by and they'll see us
having a good time and it's, it's making an impression on them as well.
So, yeah, I would, I would definitely say, don't underestimate the, the value of what a
family hobby can do for, for bringing that closeness together as a family, that joy
that you need.
Yeah, it's, I would say it's, it's up there with, uh, sitting down at the dinner table every
night.
Yeah.
And then that reminds me of that.
Are there any really good, dinner time rituals that can also help with, with bringing
that closeness?
So, one thing, you know, we try to incorporate to really foster positivity is to, is to ask
our, our kiddos to, uh, you know, give a compliment to one of their siblings or to us.
Oh, wow.
And, uh, you can feel the positivity and you can feel the love and you can feel that, you
know, we all, we all care about each other.
I mean, and the, and the other thing we can do is, you know, say, hey, you know, what, what
can we do better?
You know, this is a judgment-free zone.
We all live together.
We all want to live together half-lead and peacefully.
You know, what's one thing that I can improve on and grab that feedback.
You know, and take that in and, and work on it, you know, because it's important.
So, you know, it can bring a whole lot of information to light, something we can work on and it's
important to always be developing that trust and foster that ability to have open communication
within the family.
And the dinner table is the best place to do it for us.
My dad was in and out of my life, but, uh, one of the pleasant memories I have of him was,
was a dinner time ritual that he started and, uh, everybody was around the table and,
uh, and he, he pounded this fist on the table and he had a very stern look on his face and
everybody looked at him and wondered, uh, oh, you know, what's going on here?
And he looked at everybody and he said, I have one rule at the table and the rule is very
simple.
He said, there is to be no talking at the table doing meal times.
And then he smirked and he said, unless you either have a joke or a story.
And then he smiled and he said, I'll start and he just, and he just went off on a story
and then when he was done, somebody else had to jump in with theirs.
And let me tell you that was probably one of the most fun meal times I remember.
Oh, that's perfect.
They probably kept it so positive too.
It did.
That's great.
That's great.
I love that you have that memory.
So Kevin, how can dads connect with you or learn more about what you're doing or get
help with their teen or tween?
Sure.
Yeah.
My, uh, the website is lifecoachkeven.com.
Uh, you can also see me on Instagram at lifecoachkeven.
Uh, you can schedule a call.
We can get it on the phone and talk about what you're seeing with your kid up and talk about
what kind of results you'd like to get.
All right.
And just to make it easy, if you go to the fatherhoodchallenge.com, that's the fatherhoodchallenge.com.
If you go to this episode, look right below the episode description and I will have all
the links that Kevin just mentioned.
I'll have him posted there for your convenience.
Kevin, as we close, what is your challenge to dads listening now?
My challenge to dads listening now.
The next time you are about to have a situation with your child and they've said something to
you that you don't like when you're trying to get them to do their homework or you're trying
to get them to clean their room.
You're nagging them about something.
When they, when they say something to you, before you react, I want you to be a little
angry to take, take a minute, take 60 seconds, pause and breathe and walk away.
Wow.
And I think you'll find your child is going to do what you want them to do.
They just want not to be nagged about it and to feel like they're in control of when
they do it.
Well, Kevin, it has been an honor having you on the fatherhoodchallenge.
You've given us so many good nuggets and actionable steps that any dad can start doing
now and it's appreciated.
Thank you so much for being on the fatherhoodchallenge.
Thanks for having me, Jonathan.
It's been a pleasure.
Thank you for listening to this episode of The Fatherhood Challenge.
If you would like to contact us, listen to other episodes, find any resource mentioned
in this program or find out more information about the fatherhoodchallenge.
Please visit thefatherhoodchallenge.com.
That's TheFatherhoodChallenge.com
[music fades out]
Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/thefatherhoodchallengepodcast/donations29m - Mar 29, 2024 - Harsh Parenting Results and Alternatives
Were you raised with harsh parenting techniques? Do you still rely on the same harsh parenting style you were raised with when parenting your own kids but find you’re not connecting with your kids or getting the results you want? If you’re ready to try something different, my guest will share some tips you can begin using right away.
Bryan Saint-Louis is a Youth Inspirational Specialist and Speaker with over a decade of experience in driving positive outcomes in education and parenting. And now I’ve brought his expertise to help you dads listening now.
You can connect wit Bryan Saint-Louis or learn more about what he's doing by visiting https://www.bslspeaks.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/bslspeaks
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@bslspeaks
Email: info@bslspeaks.com
Special thanks to Zencastr for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. Use my special link https://zen.ai/CWHIjopqUnnp9xKhbWqscGp-61ATMClwZ1R8J5rm824WHQIJesasjKDm-vGxYtYJ to save 30% off your first month of any Zencastr paid plan.
Transcription - Harsh Parenting Results and Alternatives
---
Were you raised with harsh parenting techniques?
Do you still rely on the same harsh parenting style
you were raised with when parenting your own kids?
But find that you're not connecting with your kids
or getting the results you want
if you're ready to try something different.
My guest will share some tips.
You can begin using right away in just a moment,
so don't go anywhere.
- Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge,
a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere
to take great pride in their role.
And a challenge society to understand
how important fathers are to the stability
and culture of their family's environment.
Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.
- Greetings everyone, thank you so much for joining me.
My guest is Brian St. Louis,
a youth inspirational specialist and speaker
with over a decade of experience
in driving positive outcomes in education and parenting.
And now I brought of his expertise on the program
to help dads listening now.
Brian, thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge.
- Jonathan, thank you so much for having me.
I really appreciate it.
And it says an honor.
Thank you so much.
- Brian, what is your favorite dad joke?
- Man.
So I heard this one and I actually like this one a lot.
So someone comes to the dad and says,
"Hey, dad, Sunday was a sad day."
And then he says, "But yesterday was a sadder day."
(laughing)
Okay, all right, good.
We got it.
(laughing)
All right, I love it, we got it left, man.
That's all I need.
(laughing)
It got me.
- All right, but I hope the listener
has got a little left out of that one too, but.
(laughing)
As well.
- I'm sure they did.
That was awesome.
- Oh man.
- Well, Brian, let's start with your story.
How did you get involved with working with youth
and helping parents connect with their kids?
- I was 20 years old.
I used to work in a, as a,
not speaker necessarily at that time, right?
But 20, I was working as a, as a Bible teacher.
And I remembered I was embossed at the time
and there was a group of kids.
I wanna say about 70 kids and it was three of us.
And we were supposed to be basically helping them out
for, for the whole month that this series was happening.
And we were supposed to be teaching in the Bible.
Ultimately, the two other guys kind of stepped off
and found myself being the one having to take care
of a room of 70 kids between the ages of 13, 12, 13 to 17.
- Oh wow.
- Yeah.
And of course, I had some people who would come in
and help out and such, but for the most part,
the brunt of that focus was on me.
But man, when I tell you, I was,
I was so impressed with these kids being able to,
ask answers or certain questions that I had.
But then I also realized that I was very keen on connecting
very well with this age group because, you know,
I wasn't so old, you know, I'm only 20,
even though they said I was old, but I was only 20 at the time
and so I wasn't so far away from being a teenager
and I remembered what it felt like to be a teen,
trying to understand certain concepts
and also feeling like a lot of what was being taught
had no relativity to me.
And so I was very specific and intentional on the questions
that I was asking these kids ended up being such a powerful
time that brought me and led me to continue to do work
with youth when I was 21.
I started working at a youth juvenile detention facility,
just seeing the power of how radical empathy
was able to make me help build stronger relationships
with these youth but also impacting their lives
when they get out of that juvenile detention facility.
Being in that space at such a young age
helped me to see how powerful youth really are
and understanding how much they need strong supports
in their lives because a lot of them,
sometimes we see kids who are acting crazy,
we see kids who, you know, speak out of their disrespectful
and such and I always ask myself the question,
who taught them?
What was it that happened in their background
or their life that got them to the place that they were?
That they were and ultimately I'm not responsible
for who they are before they meet me
but because of the connection that I am right now with them,
now I'm responsible of modeling the proper behavior
that they can now choose to use in their future.
And so this is something that I started
when it was about 2021 and just seeing the power of how youth
are need that strong mentor and youth need that one caring adult
has pushed me to want to continue in the work with youth as well
but then as you said, right, as I got older, became a dad
I'm realizing how powerful it is for these children
to have strong figures in the home.
And so now as I'm also working with youth,
my main focus as well is also uplifting
and supporting the adults in the lives of youth
so that they can also know how to properly connect
with those teens and the children in their lives as well.
- The next question could be a tough one,
but definitely an important one.
Harsh Parenting has been a reality for many generations
and is argued to be effective.
This includes everything from yelling to even corporal punishment.
In fact, some say that we have crime rates
because parents are often too soft on their kids.
I'll give you one example I saw.
There was a post by a very popular pop star bragging
about the fact that she actually uses corporal punishment
on her kids and I believe she's a,
either a Gen Xer or a millennium.
And I looked in the comments and the comments were flooded
with mostly baby boomers who were jumping in there
and congratulating her.
So I'm curious, you know, if this is,
if this rule, this idea that harsh parenting is effective
and we don't have enough of it
and that's why kids are going wrong these days,
is this true or is this a lie?
- I don't think that's true.
We have seen high rates of criminality throughout the years
since the 80s, since the 90s.
And corporal punishment was absolutely a major use
in parenting at that time.
So it's not as though because of corporal punishment,
it made for better conditions.
A lot of youth were treated that way, right?
They had corporal punishment used
and yet crime rates have not necessarily lowered
or were lower back then than they are today.
I think there's a lot of more different factors
that deal with why youth are still necessarily
being connected or getting involved with criminality,
especially with the rise of social media,
they're being influenced in a major way,
which I think can also contribute to what they want
to do or how they're connected to other people around them,
but it's not necessarily for corporal punishment.
And in fact, I mean, when you look at the question, right,
for the fact that people argue as effectiveness
and I know a lot of people wanna say
mental health has also risen in these years,
but in the 80s, 90s, early 2000s,
how many people were actually going to counseling
due to their mental health?
We weren't necessarily seeing a lot of individuals
who were connecting to psychologists, the therapists,
because it was such a taboo concern.
And individuals were not necessarily trying to see
what was going on introspectively in their minds.
And so many of them, the statistics show
that mental health is on the rise right now,
but if we were actually doing the right work
to better ourselves, to connect ourselves
with mental health professionals,
when we were dealing with traumatic events,
we would have seen the same level of mental health
back then as well.
And I know people, for instance, Jonathan,
I know people love to say, well, it worked for me
and look how I turned out.
But I always ask the question,
if you go back to that child that you were,
don't think about the child, the adult that you are today.
I'm not talking about the adult that you are today.
I'm talking about that inner child that you were.
What was it that you're inner child needed?
Not that you're an adult and you can see things
in a better perspective.
What was it that you're inner child needed?
Did they need all of that punishment?
Did they need all of that yelling?
Even if it happened once or twice,
did they need it happening 10 times a week
or 10 times a day?
Right?
A lot of times we sometimes look at the perspective
of who we are today, but we don't look back
at who that inner child was
and what they probably needed better
in order for them to live a better life,
not just focusing on the impact that it has on our today,
but realizing that child probably needed
a little bit more love.
And if we looked at it that way,
maybe we would have a different perspective as well.
I can weigh on those two a little bit
from a slightly different perspective.
A lot of these arguments tend to reside in,
especially in conservative religious organizations
and denominations.
This is where we really tend to see that argument stick.
And I can tell you from my observation
that a lot of those same adults that are arguing
that have that argument that say,
look how I turned out and they did the same thing
to their kids that was done to them.
I can tell you that in churches
that have tried to grow youth programs,
a lot of times the biggest people,
the most of the people who stand in the way
in the growth of youth programs
and youth fellowship programs in a church
are often those same adults.
They are often the ones who are oppositional
to youth programs and youth initiatives.
They're an opposition to youth leadership and youth growth.
And you see more hostility in their interactions
with other youth.
That's been my observation.
- I can give you a quick example on that.
I remember one time 'cause I used to be a youth pastor, right?
And I remember there was a time where they blamed the youth
for whatever, like I was in a board meeting,
blamed the youth for the mess that was in the church
for the wires that were messed up in the audio upstairs.
And I was just sitting back and I was a little bit confused
because I was asking myself the question,
is that even true?
And I remembered as they were naming some of the things
that were happening, somebody said, oh no, no,
that wasn't Pastor Brian and them, that was somebody else.
That was another group.
And then they said, oh, what about the audio equipment
in the tech room?
Somebody raised their hand, oh no, that wasn't the youth,
that was X, Y, and Z, I couldn't remember exactly who it was.
And I just looked at them and I said,
you realize how you're quick to attack the youth
on what's happening here.
And you blame the youth on things
that they didn't even do in the first place.
The perspective was the youth caused problems.
And that's the philosophy that causes a lot of issues
that I see, like you said in churches
and in many different organizations as well.
If they don't, if they have a philosophical view
on how they see youth,
they will never be able to actually see them
as the empowering leaders that they are right now
and they could be even better.
Also from a biblical's perspective,
the biggest argument that's used
for enforcing corporal punishment on youth
is the scripture tech spare the rod spoil the child.
Yeah, I love that one.
Yeah, and what's interesting about that one is the rod.
The word, the Hebrew word that's used for rod
is the exact same word that's used for a scepter,
a scepter that a king or a queen would use.
And what's the purpose of a scepter, a royal scepter?
What is the purpose of it?
I mean, isn't that the scepter to basically
not like crown or shoulder royalty of the individual?
In that sense?
Yeah, it's a symbol of leadership.
It's a symbol of authority.
So when someone approaches the throne,
the king or queen isn't hitting anyone with the scepter.
And so what's really being said there is dads step up
and be a parent, be a dad.
I can even add to that right,
because Solomon's father was who?
David.
And what did David say about the rod?
It's a comfort.
Exactly.
That rod and that staff, they comfort me.
Why would, if the rod was meant to be
and to destroy and to demean,
how is that a comforting tool?
And so Solomon,
it's not.
It's an anxiety and it's a source of trauma.
Exactly.
And so I love that you brought that up.
Not a lot of people talk about the rod in that sense.
And so I love that you brought that analogy
and understanding of how the rod is really supposed to be.
Like you said, the symbol of authority.
That's amazing.
One of the biggest arguments I hear for why dads yell at their kids
is because it gets their attention.
And it's the only way that they will listen.
What are some other options dads have that would get better results?
Man, that's a really good question, Jonathan.
And as a father myself, I would say that one of the things
that have helped me to connect more with my children
is not the loud yelling dad voice.
But it's the presence.
It's just a strong presence with that child.
That child feels safe with me.
And I even tell him that.
I talk to him and I tell him, listen,
if you listen to me, I will guide you to places
that you will grow much better than me in your life.
And he's only four years old.
I have a four year old and a two year old.
And I'm very keen on making sure that they understand
how safe they are around me.
Because I'll be honest, growing up,
I used to be afraid of my dad.
Me and my dad right now have a very amazing relationship.
And that took time to build, but I used to be afraid of my father.
And so it wasn't very this strong loving connection
that I had.
It was more so on a fear base.
As I grew older, I understood certain aspects.
I also understood how he grew up and why things are the way
that they are.
But that doesn't mean that I have to do what was done to me
in a certain sense.
And so when I speak to my kids, and listen,
I'm not going to be a liar here as well as to say,
I've never yelled.
But when I yell, I'm quick to apologize.
I'm quick to tell them, hey, look, that he used a yelling voice,
that I didn't need to use in this moment at all.
This wasn't urgent where you were crossing the street
or something was happening to you.
I made a mistake in yelling at you right now.
And then I start breaking down.
Why is it that I did that in the first place?
And then what did we need to do in the situation?
How could we do this better?
And I tell you, as sometimes we think we
can't converse with our kids.
These kids are so smart.
They take up a lot of information.
I just spoke to my child this morning,
and I told him, and said, Levi, need you to come downstairs.
Then he says, OK, dad, he didn't come downstairs.
I didn't yell.
But what I did, I switched up the question.
I said, hey, Levi, what did I ask you to do?
Right?
I didn't say, come downstairs again.
And then now that aggravates me.
I told him, what did I ask you to do?
And then he says, oh, you asked me to come downstairs.
I said, OK, can you do that now?
And then boom, he just walks right downstairs.
A lot of the times--
Interesting.
Yeah, no, no, a lot of the times, man,
if we actually just converse deeper with our children.
And so one of the techniques that I've learned
is don't repeat your question twice.
When you give your question to your child,
hey, can you go clean that up?
And they'll be like, OK, yeah, clean it up.
Let's say they don't do it.
The next question should be, because now you're
giving yourself a sense of authority and power as well
while you're asking this question.
But you also don't have to be yelling
at reverting to anger and aggression.
You just asked the question, hey, what did I ask you to do?
And so now, instead of them having to be abrasive and such
back and building that type of connection,
it just thinks to them, so, oh, sure, he asked you to do this.
And then, all right, yeah, let's get to it.
It's simple techniques, but these are things
that have to be done from early on.
We're not expecting children to be adults.
And I think that's one of the problems that we have as parents
and as far as we expect them to be at a higher level of regulation
than we are, or maybe not higher than us,
but we expect them to be at higher level
than we think they are supposed to be.
The people who need to regulate their emotions
and know how to speak to them is always the adult.
We're modeling the behavior that needs to be shown.
And so when that child comes to us, we are able and should be capable
to show them the way to move in that light.
And so now they can see how to speak, how to understand,
how to act in certain situations.
So it makes it a lot better now when we're speaking
with assertiveness, not aggression, assertiveness.
And when we have to lay down a specific--
I would say tone, but this is what needs to be done in the home right now.
It's still done in a way that the child is still
loved, cared for, and communicated properly with.
But that's my perspective.
That's what I've seen has worked.
And a lot of the people who I've learned from goes, again,
I had mentors growing up.
And when those mentors showed me how they speak to their children,
it allowed me the opportunity to say,
I want to go a different route when I have children
to speak to them and to raise them a certain way as modeled better as well.
Let's talk about bonding.
How early does the bonding process start?
And how can dads create and maintain a strong bond with their sons or daughters?
Yeah, I love that question.
When I think about bonding, that happens since day one, right?
And somebody gave me some really good advice
when I had my first child that I could raise.
When I felt a bit confused because the child
was always wanting to be her own mother,
because at the end of the day, she was breastfeeding.
And so I found it kind of difficult.
How do I bond with the kid?
Or what am I supposed to do?
And I found those moments where I would just
be around both of them, just sitting, just connecting.
Somebody told me this very specific thing.
They said, when you take care of the mother, you're taking care of the child.
And one of the things that I found myself doing and learning early on was
the better I take care of my wife, that child will also be taking care of supported
and bonded with.
But then I also needed my own time.
I needed time to bond with my child.
I needed time to connect with my kid.
And one of the things that--
and I'll just be really transparent with this.
This was 2020, so the height of COVID.
And my child was only about one years old at the time,
but I was playing a lot of video games.
And I realized I asked myself the question.
I said, man, I'm playing more time or spending more time gaming than I am,
spending with my child.
Because COVID was-- nothing was going on.
There was a lot of confusion.
Everyone was just home, so I needed something to do.
And I found myself that something to do was to game instead of just sitting there
and chilling and just looking at my kid, making funny spaces and reading
or whatever the case may be.
Now, I'm not saying everybody has to do this, but I threw away my games.
I threw away-- actually, I sold my computer,
and I threw away the rest of the games that I had because I asked myself the question,
I said, do I care more about this than I care about my child?
And I wanted to be a lot more present and connected with my kid,
in which allowed that very thing.
I deepened my connection with my child, making some radical decisions
that were helpful to our relationship.
And four years later, he's almost five.
Man, when I tell you, my kid loves me.
I love my child.
We're so connected with everything that we're doing.
It's because I made some decisions that allowed us to build a strong connection
instead of waiting years later.
I don't need to wait until that child is six, seven, and throwing a baseball
or can play basketball or can do extra curricular activities
or it's good at something that I like in order for me to bond with them.
I just need to connect and just sit and converse and read and just build that bond.
And I think that once we start doing that more often,
these will deepen our connections with our children.
And no matter what they do, they'll love the connection that we spend time with.
It doesn't matter what we do, it's just the fact that we're spending the time together.
What can dads do if they've made mistakes in the beginning
and they don't know where to begin creating a bond and connecting with their kids
later in that journey?
I mean, first thing, man, just forgive yourself, number one,
because we don't need to hold on to that baggage, right?
We all make mistakes.
And so forgive yourself and move forward with that, right?
Because at the end of the day, if you show me anybody who says that they're a perfect father,
they're just a liar.
At the end of the day, let's just be real.
We make mistakes.
Let's understand that.
Let's forgive ourselves and let's move forward.
That's number one.
And then number two, as we're taking those steps,
let's really understand that child, right?
And one of the things that I, what I mean by that is,
don't just look at the fact that there are certain things that you love and care for.
And try to understand what they truly love and care for too,
and bond with them and those aspects in their lives.
So it's not just the things that you love and now you're projecting your life on them,
but you're able to now have this communication or the sharing bond
where you both can show what each other love and care for, and ultimately,
that child sees, "Man, my dad cares about this too in my life."
So I think that's very important as well.
How can dads connect with you or learn more about what you're doing?
Yeah, a lot of the work that I'm doing right now is more so centered around youth development
and empowerment and understanding how to truly build up the next generation.
And so my work has done a lot in schools.
And I do a lot of conferences as well where I speak to fathers,
where I speak about mental health, where I speak about youth development and empowerment,
I do a lot of work with schools and with classroom presentations.
I know a lot of dads might not be in that, but I do community work as well.
And so what that means is we're looking to bond parents with educators
so that they build a stronger connection to their schools.
That's one of the things that I think is very missed right now is the education to parent ratio.
And to even go a little bit deeper, as being an educator,
we see a lot of women in education, but we don't see a lot of fathers or dads or men in education
as much as we used to.
And so one of the missions that I'm looking to do is really start pushing men back into the schools
because it helps those kids to be able to see their fathers as leaders as well,
to care about their education in that sense.
And so that's a big mission of mine, but you could easily find me either on BSLspeaks.com.
You could even book me to come to different places that you would like for me to come speak at.
And then also my Instagram is BSL_Speaks as well.
And just to make this easier, if you go to thefatherhoodchallenge.com,
that's thefatherhoodchallenge.com.
If you go to this episode, look right below the episode description and I'll have all the links
that Brian just mentioned. I'll have it posted there for your convenience.
Brian, as we close, what is your challenge to dads listening now?
Ain't no, my challenge is it's not about doing something specific. My challenge would be
to challenge your thinking, challenge the way that you view your relationship with your child.
I want you to challenge even the way that your child sees you.
Think about how does your child see you as a father?
And I want us to really just start thinking how we can deepen our connection with our kids.
I believe in this concept of empathy and radical empathy even more.
The action that it takes and empathy allows us to try to understand and to imagine the feelings
that that child is doing or feeling at that moment.
So I want us to try to challenge ourselves to think more empathetically.
To think about how that child is seeing their situation and how we can better be fathers,
be dads, be pouring into our children in a certain specific way.
And so with that challenge, I know that our perspectives will deepen and be able to connect deeper
with our child as well.
Brian, it's been an absolute honor to have you on the Fatherhoodchallenge.
You've given us tremendous wisdom and actionable steps that any dad can do
two day to do right now and get results.
And I really appreciate that.
Thank you so much for being on the program.
Thank you again for having me.
I really appreciate it, Jonathan.
Looking forward to hearing and seeing the impact that our fathers can take from us.
Thank you.
Thank you for listening to this episode of the Fatherhoodchallenge.
If you would like to contact us,
listen to other episodes, find any resource mentioned in this program or find out more information about the Fatherhoodchallenge.
Please visit thefatherhoodchallenge.com.
That's thefatherhoodchallenge.com.
[ Simultaneous expressions ]
Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/thefatherhoodchallengepodcast/donations29m - Mar 27, 2024 - Inside a Real Father Daughter Bond
Do you have a daughter that you are trying hard to bond and connect with but are struggling? Today in this episode you’re going to get inside access into the relationship between a real father and daughter, what makes and keeps them close and how you can have the same relationship with your daughter.
My guests are Reena Friedman Watts with her dad and co-host of the Better Call Daddy podcast and show, Wayne Friedman.
To connect with Reena Friedman Watts or Wayne Friedman or listen to the Better Call Daddy Podcast, visit https://bettercalldaddy.com/
Special thanks to Zencastr for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. Use my special link https://zen.ai/CWHIjopqUnnp9xKhbWqscGp-61ATMClwZ1R8J5rm824WHQIJesasjKDm-vGxYtYJ to save 30% off your first month of any Zencastr paid plan.
Transcription - Inside a Real Father Daughter Bond
---
Do you have a daughter that you're trying hard to bond or connect with but are struggling?
Today in this episode you're going to get an inside access look into the relationship
between a real father and daughter and what makes and keeps them close and how you can
have the same relationship with your daughter.
If you're ready to be inspired and ready to make some changes, help is on the way in
just a moment so don't go anywhere.
Welcome to the Father the Challenge, a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere to
take great pride in their role and a challenge society to understand how important fathers
are to the stability and culture of their family's environment.
Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.
Greetings everyone, thank you so much for joining me.
My guest is Rina Friedman Watts with her dad and co-host of the Better Call Daddy Podcast
and show Wayne Friedman.
Rina and Wayne, thank you so much for being on the Father her Challenge.
Thank you for having us.
We're excited to be here.
Wow, I love that radio voice.
Let's start out with my favorite question of all.
What is your favorite dad joke and this is to both of you.
When I think of dad joke, I think my dad loves to say, you know what your problem is?
You like me.
Oh, you fall this mustache.
Your father's mustache.
Yeah, at the end of every reaction that we do, my dad continues to surprise me with his
reactions, by the way.
Sometimes I don't know what he's going to think about the guests that I've interviewed.
He's always like, when I have a good reaction to his reaction, he's like, you know what your
problem is?
You like me?
I'm like, yeah, I do.
Then I put that in my intro even because we say it so much to each other.
It is a true story.
I've listened to a few episodes and that's exactly what happens.
He does.
Wayne definitely says that.
Well, Wayne, let's start with you.
It's obvious you and Rina have a bond.
You can't co-host a program or podcast with your daughter without that strong bond.
So where did that begin?
Well, I think I've tried very hard to have a bond with all three of my girls and you know,
you have to find what interests them and you have to be part of their show.
In the beginning, you would think that a father, whether he has sons or daughters, wants
your children to be part of your show or my show, but it turns out that trying to force
or trying to put your values onto theirs, they have to accept it on their own.
It's got to be their choice.
And if it isn't their choice, it's really not going to work because eventually when someone
is telling you what to do or telling you how to feel or instructing you of what you can
do and what you can't do, eventually a person is going to revolt and say, you know, I've
had enough of that spaghetti in meatballs.
I want to try something else.
And I think a parent has to try to set some guidelines, but you have to be able to give
your children an opportunity to stand on their own two feet and be able to blossom and be
their own person.
And the best way to do that is to have communication that's not just one-sided.
It's got to be where it's reciprocal, where they have a voice that is going to be heard.
And if you can't get it from your father and your mother, where are you going to get
it from?
And if you get it from other places, it's sometimes a very tough learning experience.
It's a lot nicer if you can get it at home.
That's interesting.
So, if we go a little deeper into that, and if I'm understanding you correctly, what you're
really doing is you are modeling those values, but in the world of your daughters.
That's correct.
Rina, you've referred to your dad as your best friend whom you can share anything with.
What are your earliest memories of your dad that have made you feel close to him?
I was thinking about this question, and one of the earliest memories I have is decorating
my dad and our dogs with stickers and jewelry.
And he was always willing to kind of like play along to my shenanigans.
And you know, that progressed as I grew older.
I was putting on like musical performances and he would sit on the couch and clap his hands
and then you know, when my grandparents were in a nursing home, he encouraged me to go sing
for them and sing for the residents.
And I think that goes along with what he was saying, you know, encourage your kids' talents.
Each one of us kind of had our own talents.
I like to sing and I had a sister who played the violin and she played baseball and I had
another sister that was very into art and painting and whatever interest we had, he really
got us the lessons and went to our games and you know, cheered on the sidelines and was
there with, you know, my parents, my grandparents and it became a family affair.
I mean, as you can imagine, having three daughters, there was always us competing for our parents
attention and our interests and what we wanted to do versus, you know, what they wanted us to
do.
But they did make us believe that we could do anything that we set our minds to and I think
that that's really cool.
Like they never said you can't major in vocal music or you can't major in sports medicine
or how about physics or how about becoming a doctor.
Like I was pre-med for two and a half years and then switched my major to communications
and broadcasting and they were really okay with it.
They're like, okay, if that's what you want to do with your career and I did end up doing
that for my career but I was much closer to a bachelor's of science and I was on a full
scholarship at a college and I ended up transferring from the University of Charleston where I was
doing a little bit of partying to Purdue, which was a much more serious university and
I left behind a singing scholarship and decided I wanted to try something else and I didn't
really see a lot of resistance there.
You both co-host a podcast and show called Better Called Daddy.
Where did you come up with the idea of working together and how was that decision made?
How do that decision make you both stronger?
My dad is always who I've called.
He's always the one that can stay on the phone for hours at a time and pretty much handle
most situations that I've been in.
So that has been a common theme through my life.
I think I decided that would be a good idea for a show after I worked for a top podcaster.
I worked for Kathy Heller host of Don't Keep Your Day job and I was like seven months pregnant
helping her produce a 350 person event.
This was also after I had co-hosted the next level people show so I had kind of already worked
in radio, co-hosted another podcast, then worked for a top podcaster and my dad was in LA
on business meeting a colleague and I was seven months pregnant putting out tables for
sponsors and keeping the guests happy in the green room and he was like, I will help you
put out the tables.
I will help you set up the booths.
I will make sure this event runs smoothly.
He was worried about me moving chairs.
He was like my production assistant for the day.
I've been behind the scenes, kind of got my start in television at the Jerry Springer show
right out of college and worked in reality TV for a while and then like I said worked for
a bunch of influencers and I felt like during the pandemic it was kind of my opportunity
to step in front of the camera and use all of these skills that I had learned for all
of these years and I knew my dad wouldn't back out on me that he would be the best co-host
and that he really synthesizes my thoughts well and he's there for me and I thought that
his wisdom and his intergenerational flare would make a good show.
Everything I'm hearing from what you're saying is comes back to the earlier question of your
dad actually modeling this idea of being in your world of helping you thrive in your world
and helping you grow.
And his parents modeled that too.
He worked with his parents for 40 plus years and he learned every aspect of the business
and that's something that my grandfather encouraged.
He said if you want to have your own business then you need to learn all of the departments
not just had to manage people but had to do the work that you're asking the people to
do and so my dad worked alongside his parents saw them model that and you know it wasn't
just working together in the factory it was once he came home to you know they learned
how to invest in the stock market together.
We had a close-knit family where we got together on weekends.
I mean I spent the night at my grandparents house until I was about in fifth grade they had
like a special mattress for me in their own room.
I remember my grandmother on the typewriter doing the time cards and my grandfather always
had the news on and I grew up with my grandparents like a five minute drive away and whenever I called
them my grandfather was like be right there a little girl you know.
So my grandparents were a big part of my life like my you know I grew up in Kentucky so
people get married young and my grandparents were like second parents to me.
Everything I just heard you say I think can be summed up in one word and this is what I see
happening in the dynamics between you and your dad and that word is legacy.
There's a legacy generations deep that's being left and I think that's absolutely
amazing.
Yeah thank you.
I appreciate that because that's what the better called daddy podcast is about is really
sharing not only our legacy but asking people to investigate the legacy of their own families
and with their own experiences so that really coincides with what the theme of the show is
about.
So let's dive into the spiritual dynamics.
What dynamics of your father daughter relationship mimic the image of God and how does that relate
to all of us is in a true that at least in our family and with the religious background
that we have were obligated to really pass to the next generation everything that we've
learned and values were supposed to be able to pass down as the belief of God to the right
things and to be spiritual and to be educated and grow your whole life.
That's a legacy that we feel is very close to God and the fact is is that we just don't
live forever and the only way that we can have a chance of living forever is if we pass
on through the generations our knowledge and our wisdom and pass that along and hopefully
if you're successful in business a little bit we can give a tool of passing on and some
inheritance financially as well but it doesn't take much to blow the money.
So we better make sure that we pass down good values as mentioned already earlier that your
children and your grandchildren your great grandchildren want to learn and grow and have
values of caring about others and not just yourself and try to make humanity a goal not
just individual goals.
I love that it's funny to you because he always says have a couple kids your own you'll see
how easy it is.
It's a big job and the funny part is is that it only took a second to make arena but the
fact is is that it's a life long commitment it's a life long I don't know how to say it
I guess it's really where you have to set the right example for your children always
they don't necessarily follow what you say they follow more your actions of what you do
so you really have to set a good example hands on your whole life because your children
are watching you at all different ages of their development are are following what your
lead is and I think we have a responsibility to do the best that we can to set the best
example and like I said it's got to be done to where an individual has to understand that
part of our existence is to be able to give your children every opportunity to have a continuum
and without that I think our individual lives are would be more shallow.
There's something really profound that you're bringing up and that is the fact that
we have a spiritual responsibility and accountability as fathers for our children for the legacy
that we leave our children we are accountable we are responsible for that that's what it
means that's this whole idea of mimicking the image of God which is the way he set it
up this is the way it was designed to be and if I really dive into the emotional component
of it to me that's overwhelming that's that actually I would probably just go ahead
and say it's a scary thought to me when I look at it that way does it ever feel overwhelming
to you.
Always certainly can be and sometimes when you even think you've done a terrific job it
can all blow up in your face because events can occur out there in the real world that
can give you a major setback and the fact is is that we have to learn to pivot we have
to learn to understand that it's not the end of the world and we just have to find maybe
a new path or a new way of moving forward but we can't allow the pitfalls to stop everything
that we're trying to build.
Well the good news is we don't have to do it alone God has promised to help us if he's
given us a responsibility that great he doesn't typically give responsibilities like that
without access to helping resources from him to accomplish that.
I agree with you 100 percent.
Wayne and Reena I've been told by experts that eye contact is essential to a bond and connection
with your daughter is this true and what's your experience with this?
Oh absolutely.
The funny part is is that I can tell when I'm looking at Reena whether she really hears
me or if I have surprised her with an answer it shows up on her face just like she's written
a book to me.
So I think that expression or facial expressions as long as you know going with the eyes as
well I think you can get a good read you can sometimes really know if somebody's got
something in their hand by the way they're acting that's why a lot of times they have a hat
on or a hood and dark glasses because they don't want to give away the emotion of their
hand at all where they're trying to just be a blank because I do agree that we our bodies
give us a lot of communication of how we really feel where it's very hard to fake that.
So I agree with you that eye contact facial contact whether a person is you don't have
them see a sweat okay or be extra nervous because like I said when it comes to being in
the clutch you want someone that can step up to a higher level when you're competing when
the pressure is on not someone who's going to melt.
I think I have your eyeballs.
My face says it all.
Right.
It's like I said she can be communicating just by her reaction to things and sometimes I have
to spend a little extra time calming her down even when she has said nothing okay just
from the facial expressions.
And I think a mother has that instinct even with her own children.
I mean even in the way that she's able to pick up baby cries that's what I was thinking
is you know you can tell when they're hungry you can tell when they're hurt you can tell
when they're sick.
So I think a lot of it is instinctual and another thing that I wanted to say too was my relationship
with my dad and even my grandparents has led to a belief in God because my dad always told
me as a young kid that as long as he's alive nothing bad will ever happen to me and I think
you know when I'm having a hard time I even am like if you love me like my dad loves me
then help me out right now like I know he puts up with a lot.
You know I talk to God like that because of my relationship with my dad I feel like I'm
able to believe in God and in the hardest times.
Oh wow yeah that's powerful and I think that's another form of a legacy that's being left.
I would and I would argue maybe the I would argue maybe that's the most important one.
They're all very very important but that's the most important legacy because that's what
was really designed all the way from the very very beginning the very first book.
Scripture is about that.
If that's being achieved that speaks to a huge success that's a big win as a parent.
You touched on a different dynamic and that is the the mother daughter relationship.
The very same thing happens there.
Yeah I think that it's important to be able to talk to to both of your parents to feel
understood and even in what we're trying to achieve with our show and I think what you're
trying to achieve with yours as well is by hearing people's stories and by giving them
time and not rushing through that and and making people feel like their story matters or
that their experience matters or that they can help someone that literally can save people's
lives.
That literally can give people legacy and purpose.
It's truly unbelievable what listening to someone tell their story can do.
My dad even encouraged me to put ear pods on his 93 year old mother and have her tell me
stories of where she came from so that I could get that before she wasn't able to tell that
story anymore and now I'm so glad that I did that and he found a recording of his dad when
he was clearing out the factory that they used to work at together.
It was like a cassette recording of he was getting ready to fire an employee and the other employee
who had referred him to the company was like I'm sorry I referred that guy like he was making
me look bad and he was like well you know thank you for letting me know that but I think
my grandfather was like hitting record just to document what he was getting ready to do
and I had that cassette transferred to an MP3 and I did an episode where I interviewed my
grandmother and then did a little transition explaining that I had found this tape and so
I had my grandfather in the same episode and his philosophy on work and then my dad responded
to the episode so it was like a triple generation episode me and my grandparents and my dad
and that too is like the power of storytelling the power of legacy and the power of documenting
for the next generation.
I think even your daughter was part of that show I think it was four generations.
Yeah my kids have participated even in the podcast through creating intros asking some
of the guests that I've interviewed questions coming up with different commercials with me.
I think that if you have skills that you can pass on to your kids chances are they have
some of those talents and they might even not not know that they have those talents so if
there's something that you're good at I'm even trying to tell my dad teach teach my kids
how to invest you know teach my kids how to take care of the yard teach my kids how to
take care of their grandparents I think them seeing me wanting to go see my 95 year old
grandma even though it's their spring break but you know how many years do I have left
with her I think that that teaches them lessons just in in going to visit remember your
actions sometimes speak louder than words.
Yeah I saw a news article that they opened like a child care center in a nursing home they
are testing that model because old people love babies and kids and kids love old people
and there is I feel like that it's missing from society today like kids live away from their
parents and parents live away from their parents me my dad flies to Florida like once a month
to go help out with his mom and you know we're also spread out and like I said earlier in
the episode I grew up with both sets of my grandparents within a five ten minute drive
away and they were coming to all of my performances or all of my school events and grandparents
day now grandparents day is like a parent coming or an aunt coming or a friend coming from
the community and and that's great to it's just there is wisdom from those other generations
and I think we still need to kind of incorporate some of that for learning.
I want to move on to a different direction why is it essential for dads to drop their anger
immediately and always when they interact with their daughters.
The truth of the matter is is that if you want your daughter to have a relationship with
a man down the road you have to give even an example of what a man should be like to
your daughter so you have to treat her right first you have to be understanding first you
have to be easy with your tone first because if you don't do that what can happen is that
they will meet someone out there and if you're yelling at your daughter or if you're overdoing
it or if you're being holding them back or telling them what to do and they can't do this
then they can't do that.
Well guess what then they're going to use that example and say well I love my dad and
my dad was like that maybe I've got to find somebody that's like my dad but not necessarily
in a good way but in a bad way and then that's how girls can end up in an abusive relationship
because they think that that's normal so I think it's very important especially with
a daughter that a father has to be extra extra extra patient and understanding and set the
best possible example.
You want to be a little rough with your son you want him to be a little tougher but with
a daughter you got to treat her like she's a piece of pie with whipped cream and a cherry
on top.
Love that answer.
You know what are your thoughts on this?
I think that my parents got married super young and to be honest my dad was very passionate
in his younger years with expressing himself and even if there was some yelling I think
it's really important just to tuck your kids in at night and let them know that you love
them and to drive them to school in the morning and ask them what's on their mind and if they
want to talk for an hour or two at a time do that and if there are things that you can't
talk about like you know I went to a grandparent so that's what comes to mind for me is there
are going to be times where you guys don't see eye to eye or that you're not going to be
as close I mean even when I was in college I was definitely figuring out myself and wanted
some years to do that but just let your daughter know that kind of like what you stand for
and what your values are and that you're going to be there and you're going to be accepting
and you know that you can call it any hour.
How can dads listening connect with you both with any questions or to learn more about
what you're doing or to just listen into your podcast?
BetterCallDaddy.com and we love when people have questions for us that's something that we
do at the end of every episode we say is there anything that you would like to ask my
dad and it can be around business it can be around a personal struggle that you're having
people have even said that they want to adopt my dad and that is the biggest form of flattery.
As we close what is your challenge to dads listening now?
Dad should express to their daughters what they're proud of them about.
I don't think that dads do it enough maybe they just don't think too and I think it's
really powerful to do that.
Let your kids know that what they've done is good and that you see that in them.
I think letting your kids know that you see their gifts stays with them for a really long
time.
It's something that they can always draw from.
But dad really has to be able to step up and be able to show that they're going to be
there for their daughter no matter what.
I feel the same thing about a son too.
You've got to be there unconditionally and sometimes it's hard because if they're doing
certain things that are against the grain that you don't believe in but you have to try
to put your you know how the shoe fits on the other foot and try to see where they're coming
from despite your own beliefs.
But it's hard.
Sometimes it's really hard but you have to be willing to at least try to find some middle
road if you can.
Wayne Reena it has been a pleasure having you both on the fatherhood challenge.
We've given us so much wisdom, much needed wisdom.
I've been looking forward to doing this episode for a long time because I knew it was going
to be packed with so much wisdom and certainly true today.
Thank you so much for being on the fatherhood challenge.
Thanks for having us again.
We appreciate it.
Thanks Jonathan.
Loved your questions.
Thank you for listening to this episode of the Fatherhood Challenge.
If you would like to contact us, listen to other episodes, find any resource mentioned
in this program or find out more information about the fatherhood challenge.
Please visit thefatherhoodchallenge.com.
That's thefatherhoodchallenge.com.
[MUSIC]
Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/thefatherhoodchallengepodcast/donations30m - Mar 21, 2024 - The Curse From Ignoring Fatherhood
Has the world fallen under a curse? If so what is it? If you've ever wondered why it seems the world is spinning out of control with things like violence, anger needless suffering and mental health issues, the root cause of most of it is the same and so is the solution.
To learn more about The Fatherhood Challenge or to listen to more episodes visit https://www.thefatherhoodchallenge.com/
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Transcription - The Curse From Ignoring Fatherhood
---
Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge, a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere to take great pride in their role and a
Challenge society to understand how important fathers are to the stability and culture of their families environment.
Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.
Greetings everyone. Thank you so much for joining me. It's always good to have you with me.
I always appreciate each person that listens. There's many things you could be listening to, many things that you could direct your attention to.
But you have chosen to listen to this program and you've chosen to listen to this episode.
And I just want to tell you right now that I appreciate you. I appreciate each and every one of you.
Thank you so much. This program is going to be a little bit different.
You've probably already noticed a little bit of a change in the format. We have a lot to cover.
And it goes pretty deep, so we're not going to waste any time. We're really just going to dive in.
So I want to talk about the Fatherhood Challenge, what the Fatherhood Challenge is doing, why it exists, and what it has to do with you.
The Fatherhood Challenge was, was a direct call in my life by God.
This wasn't something I had any desire to do, nor did it, did I have any interest in doing something like this.
But it was a calling that I felt. I've talked about this story on other episodes of how the Fatherhood Challenge started.
I made a deal with God. And the deal was that since I didn't want to do this and I didn't know anything about how to do something like this,
the deal was that God would take ownership for the program.
I was willing to be the grunt. I was willing to be the face of the Fatherhood Challenge, the voice of the Fatherhood Challenge.
But this would have to be his program. This would have to be his agenda, and he would have to take charge and run it.
He would be responsible for opening doors and closing doors that I or the program were not meant to go through.
And I can tell you to this day that he has kept that promise.
When I think about why the Fatherhood Challenge exists, it's a very sobering reminder of where God's priorities are, and where our should be.
So we're going to take a look at those priorities. Where exactly are our priorities individually?
Where are our priorities as a culture?
The heart of God is very, very, very close to the Fatherhood topic in the Fatherhood agenda.
And there's a very, very unique reason why, and we're going to explore that in depth.
And why Fatherhood should be close to you?
So if you've paid any attention to the Fatherhood Challenge, if you've looked at the website, if you've looked at the logo, one of the things you're going to see as part of the logo is the mission statement and purpose.
The mission statement and purpose comes from Malachi 4-6. His preaching will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers.
Otherwise, I will come and strike a land with the curse.
We don't like to talk about the curse part. The first part of that text really makes us feel warm and fuzzy.
But the second part is just as important to talk about as the first.
Originally, when we think of this scripture text, we think of thousands of years ago in the time of Elijah, and this has been part of the Elijah message.
But we think of it as a story that was meant, that was written thousands of years ago, and it was,
and that it was meant for that time. And yes, it was meant for that time as well.
However, that scripture text is part of a prophetic message, and that prophetic message is equally valid for our time.
It is relevant to the day and time that we are living in today.
If you want proof of that, all you have to do is look at some of the bad things that have happened in our country, specifically things like mass shootings.
You don't even have to look at that. You can just turn on the news and watch the news every night.
But if we want to go even deeper, yes, go look at things like mass shootings.
So every time a mass shooting happens, what is one of the first two things that gets talked about?
One is gun control, and two is school security, or if it's happening in malls or in airport or some other public place,
how to secure that environment. What you won't hear talked about is the home life of the shooter.
Where was the father in that shooter's life? You will never hear that talked about on the news.
You will never hear that explored. And why is that? It's very simple.
It's a lot less painful to talk about things like gun control and security than it is to talk about what's going on in our homes.
But it's time that we do because that is the curse that got us specifically talking about.
But it is an escalation of violence. It is it is it is being out of control. It is a culture that is out of control.
It is individuals who are out of control. And the root of most of that is lack of a father,
a father who is either emotionally absent or physically absent or often both. This is the root cause of it.
And this is what we will do anything we can to avoid talking about.
There are many countries that are taking the fatherhood initiative seriously. But if you turn on the news,
this is not something that you will hear discussed on the news. You'll still hear you might hear some good stories now and then.
But it's generally bad news that you hear when you turn on your local news. We aren't talking about fatherhood.
The whole of the place is I would expect to hear some sort of a sermon or some sort of talk about fatherhood and the importance of fatherhood and what it means to God.
I would expect in a house of worship to hear that discussion or to hear a sermon like that happening.
But I would challenge you to reflect back on when the last time was that you heard a sermon about fatherhood and about the image of God.
So if we can't even talk about fatherhood and a house of worship, how do you expect to hear the topic of fatherhood being discussed on a national level in any country.
Let's talk about what happens when we ignore these warnings when we don't take it seriously.
Fatherless has been found to have significant impact on crime rates. And here's some statistics and research findings on the topic.
According to the US Department of Justice children from fatherless homes are more likely to be involved in criminal behavior.
They are at a higher risk of committing a variety of crimes including drug abuse, violence and juvenile delinquency.
A study published in the Journal of Research and Crime and Delinquency found that fatherless children are more likely to engage in criminal behavior compared to children who live with both parents.
Research from the National Fatherhood Initiative also shows that children who grow up without a father are more likely to experience poverty, drop out of school and have behavior problems, all of which are risk factors in criminal behavior.
You think this might be a reason to take fatherhood seriously? We have prisons, both local prisons, we have state prisons and we have federal prisons that are overcrowded.
Now let's talk about something else of the fatherhood initiatives that are out there that do exist fatherhood programs.
There are very few programs out there that are actually involving God that actually talk about God and involve God as the solution.
Being the fact and truth that we are made in God's image does it seem does it make any kind of logical sense to leave God out of the process of bringing fathers and children together?
Does it make any kind of logical sense to leave God out of the process of a father trying to improve himself?
Does it make any sense when we are made in God's image?
So in our arrogance, have we actually accomplished anything? Have we actually made any improvements without God?
Let's explore what religion actually contributes to the fatherlessness discussion.
There are some studies and reports that have explored the role of religion, including Christianity in addressing issues related to fatherlessness.
And here are some of the key points and findings.
Many faith-based organizations, including Christian churches, play a significant role in providing support and resources to families affected by fatherlessness.
These organizations often offer monitoring programs, mentoring programs, counseling services and community support to help address the challenges faced by children growing up without fathers.
Research has also shown that religious involvement, including participation in Christian activities such as attending church services
and engaging in religious practices was associated with a greater family stability. This can include stronger parent-child-relationships, reduced likelihood of divorce and improved overall family well-being.
The Christian faith emphasizes the importance of fatherhood and provides guidance on the roles and responsibilities of fathers within families.
Many Christian teachings stress the importance of fathers being present, supportive and actively involved in their children's lives.
So let's examine this a little bit further. But if you actually go and look into, for example, if you look at a lot of radio networks, a lot of radio programs, you'll be hard pressed to find programs specifically dealing with fatherhood.
They are out there, but they are few and far between. I am very, very proud to be part of a network that actually cares about fatherhood.
And yes, I am one of the programs on a network that does actually care about fatherhood.
Let's talk about religion. Let's talk about what God has to say about religion.
And this scripture text comes from Isaiah 1. This is God talking.
What makes you think I want all your sacrifices, says the Lord? I'm sick of your burnt offerings of rams and the fat of fat and cattle.
I get no pleasure from the blood of bulls and lambs and goats. And when you come to worship me, who asked you to parade through my courts with all your ceremony?
Stop bringing me your meaningless gifts, the incense of your offerings disgusts me.
As for your celebrations of the new moon in the Sabbath and your special days for fasting, they are all sinful and false.
I want no more of your pious meetings. I hate your new moon celebrations and your annual festivals. They are a burden to me. I cannot stand them.
When you lift up your hands in prayer, I will not look. Though you offer many prayers, I will not listen for your hands are covered with the blood of innocent victims.
Wash yourselves and be clean. Get your sins out of my sight. Give up your evil ways. Learn to do good.
Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows.
Come now. Let's settle this, says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them white as snow.
Though they are red as crimson, I will make them white as wool.
If you will obey me, you will have plenty to eat. But if you turn away and refuse to listen, you will be devoured by the sword of your enemies.
I, the Lord, have spoken. So yes, that's a fascinating one from Isaiah. Do we have a lot of wars today?
Yeah, are we talking about fatherhood? No. Could this be part of the curse that God talked about that God tried to warn us about thousands of years ago?
Yeah, absolutely. I believe that 100%. Orphans are a parentless. They are without a parent.
And there's lots of ways for that to take place. A parent can be physically absent.
An apparent can also be emotionally absent and sometimes both. And this includes fathers.
So yes, the fatherhood agenda, the fatherhood topic is front and center to God's heart.
And as long as we are choosing to ignore this issue, as long as we are choosing not to talk about it,
and as long as we are deliberately choosing to leave God out of the discussion, the curse is promised.
And it is actively happening. God is not interested in your piety.
God is not interested in your religious rituals and your services. He's not interested in your plain church.
He's interested in how you treat those around you.
If you've done the homework, if you've done a Bible study on it, then you already know very, very well
that an expectation before you come and take part in the Lord's supper.
The expectation is that you first go make things right. The starts in your home.
The starts with your wife, the starts with your children. You first make things right in your home.
Then you go make things right. With your brothers and sisters in the church,
with people outside the church that you've wronged, you go make those wrongs right.
You apologize where you need to make apologies. You make things right. Then you come before the Lord
and participate in the Lord's supper. That is a very, very, very clear expectation.
Now, let's talk about children. Children in this day and age are treated like an inconvenience.
They are treated like a burden. If you want proof of that, all we have to do is talk about abortion.
We're not going to spend, we could easily spend an hour episode alone just talking about abortion,
but we're not going to do that. But the point is made, if you spend any time thinking about or
researching the abortion issue, it's not hard to find the root issue in that is that children
are an inconvenience. That is the central theme in abortion. Something a funny thing about children
is that when you have them, suddenly it's not all about you anymore. You now have to care for someone
else. You have to think about someone else besides yourself. It's very, very normal to have fears,
certain fears. Am I ready? Am I going to be able to actually care for this child? Not feeling prepared.
And you can have these feelings when you expect the child. But it's another thing when you actually
don't want the child because it's going to up into your life because it's going to ruin your life
because all you want to do is think about yourself. When thinking about yourself is the root motive
for why you want to have an abortion, that's a problem. And it is not the unborn child's problem.
It is not the unborn baby's problem. It is an internal problem. That's reason enough
to prove that children are often seen as an inconvenience in our culture. If you go into certain
churches, children are treated with the philosophy that they're to be seen but not heard. There are
many churches where if a child starts getting loud, a deacon will escort the mother or someone will
escort the mother out of the church or shame the mother or shame both the mother and the child.
Jesus, however, had a very different take on children. Children flocked to him. He made time for them.
He made them feel like they were special, like they were wanted. If we treated children that way,
if we treated our own children that way, if children were seen as a blessing,
instead of a curse or an inconvenience, well, I don't think we really would have to be talking
about the fatherhood issue as urgently as we need to now. So what is scripture have to say about
children? If we look at Psalm 1273, that text says children are a gift from the Lord.
They are reward from him. Well, that's a different way of looking at children.
Children being a reward from God. Children being a gift from God. What if our culture thought of children
that way? Because the funny thing is when we neglect the fatherhood issue, when we ignore
fatherhood and when we ignore God's role in fatherhood, what we're really saying is that we don't
like children. What we're really saying is that children are not important to us. It's the same thing.
You can't separate the father from children. Children need their father. I have seen time and time
and time again. The damage that happens to children when they are missing their father.
When a father is either alienated out of a child's life or a father chooses to alienate
himself from his children's life. And sometimes it happens other ways, other unfortunate ways that
can't be, there's nothing you can do anything about such as death. Fatherlessness can happen that way.
But the earlier the absence happens in the child's life, the deeper the damage, I've experienced it
in my own life. This is how I know. And I've seen it in other people's lives. And this is why
when we ignore this issue, what we are also saying is that we don't care about fatherless children.
They are not a priority in our culture. We don't care about them. If we don't care enough to talk
about fatherlessness, and if we don't care enough to talk about God's role in solving it, then we really
don't care about children. Now let's move on and let's talk about the image of God. What is the
image of God have to do with any of this? If you ever look at the Lord's prayer in scripture,
and this is how Jesus taught us to pray and taught us disciples to pray. The very first thing is our
father. We address God the father as that as our father. So is it a stretch for us to understand
that we are made in the image of God? This is in scripture. It's in the book of Genesis, the creation
story. We are made in the image of God. I don't know what part of that our culture refuses to accept
refuses to understand and deliberately ignores. It's a tall order for a father to try to understand
that his relationship with his children is a reflection of his relationship with his heavenly
father. And that's the way it was designed to be. It's a tall order. You weren't meant to deal with
this alone. So why do we choose to? What exactly are we scared of? So as we wrap this up, I want to
talk, I want to challenge you to look at yourself, to look at yourself. Where are you in this whole
discussion of fatherhood? Are you a missing father in your own life and you're struggling with how
to be apparent to your own children? Are you struggling to push past your own pain to become
available for your own children? Are you one of the people that are not really interested in
the fatherhood agenda and talking about it and you'd rather just ignore it and pretend it's not an
issue? If that is you, why do you feel that way? What's the root reason why? Are you one of those people
who refuse to involve God in the fatherhood discussion? Because you're angry with God over your own
issues or your own pain that you're going through. If you fall into any of those categories,
I'm not going to sugarcoat the solution. The solution may or may not be what you think or what you
want it to be, but the center of the solution and the solution itself is God. It is God.
God has always been open to us. If you're mad at God over a painful past or and I've been there,
I know what that's like. If you're angry, if you're mad at God because you were abandoned as a child,
the solution is to talk to him. He's not afraid of your anger, believe me, but he wants to hear from you.
He wants to reveal the truth to you. He wants to heal you. He's not willing to abandon you.
He's not willing to leave you sitting there in your anguish.
But if you don't talk to him, he's not going to force himself on you either. That's not the kind of
God he is. So I want to challenge you to reach out to God if you're struggling as a parent
with anything, whether it's raising a teen, whether it's lack of sleep and trying to have patience
to take care of your family and not even sure how to do that well, talk to God about it. Bring everything
to him. He wants to hear from you. Everything. He wants to hear everything from you. Every little detail
he wants to know about and he wants to be involved. So don't shut him out. Don't leave him out.
Your anger brings that to him as well. He wants to hear that. Don't hold anything back.
And the other thing is trust. And that comes with time and that comes with trying him.
Give him a chance. Open up to him and then watch what he does.
So as we close and wrap up this episode, I want to pray a prayer for you. And so I want to ask that
you open up your heart and take this prayer and is your own. Heavenly Father,
thank you so much for each person listening now. I want to ask that you will personally send
your Holy Spirit into their life, into their heart. And I want to ask that you will
that you will come close and that you will read their what's on their mind and what's on their heart.
It could be pain from a traumatic past. It could be an abandonment from a missing Father in their life
that could be from a death that could be from a dad who's walked out. Whatever it is, Father,
I want to ask that your presence will be there with that dad, with that person that you will be
especially close to them that you will bring healing. The Holy Spirit is known as the great healer.
And so I want to ask for healing for that person that you will heal their heart.
For the dad that is feeling stressed to the breaking point, feeling overwhelmed, unsure of what to do in
raising raising his children. You are also the source of knowledge and you are also the source of
wisdom. And so I want to ask that you will give that dad wisdom and knowledge to know what to do.
It may be help. Maybe that dad needs an extra hand and needs help.
Whatever resources that dad needs to take some of that burn in a way to let him know that he's not alone.
I want to ask that you will provide that for that dad that he can parent that child that he can
love that child with all of his heart and give that child what he needs. And at the same time
that his own heart would be filled. So that is my prayer, Father.
For Father's listening today, help them to understand and realize they are not alone that you
love them beyond what they can comprehend. That you care about them, that you see them,
that they are not alone. Thank you so much, Father. In Jesus name. Amen.
Thank you for listening to this episode of the Fatherhood Challenge. If you would like to contact us,
listen to other episodes, find any resource mentioned in this program or find out more information
about the Fatherhood Challenge. Please visit thefatherhoodchallenge.com. That's thefatherhoodchallenge.com.
[Music]
[Music]
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Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/thefatherhoodchallengepodcast/donations27m - Mar 15, 2024 - A Fathers Journey From Being Abused to Healing
If you’re a dad who’s experienced sexual abuse and/or physical abuse as a child and it has wrecked your life into adulthood, this is an episode you aren’t going to want to miss. You might be desperate for real lasting healing.
Dennis Knight Sr. is the founder of King Me Ministries, a ministry that focuses on equipping men to be who God created them to be. Dennis had a dark childhood that included sexual abuse and he will share his story and journey of how he survived the abuse and came to a place of forgiveness and true lasting healing.
You can learn more about King Me Ministries and connect with Dennis Knight Sr. at: https://kingme-ministries.com/
Special thanks to Zencastr for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. Use my special link https://zen.ai/CWHIjopqUnnp9xKhbWqscGp-61ATMClwZ1R8J5rm824WHQIJesasjKDm-vGxYtYJ to save 30% off your first month of any Zencastr paid plan.
Transcript - A Father’s Journey From Being Abused to Healing
---
If you're a dad who's experienced sexual abuse and or physical abuse as a child and it is
wrecked your life into adulthood, this is an episode you are not going to want to miss.
You might be desperate for real lasting healing. And my guest has been through all of this and
he will share his story and his path to healing with us in just a moment so don't go anywhere.
Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge, a movement to awaken and inspire
fathers everywhere to take great pride in their role and a challenge society to understand how
important fathers are to the stability and culture of their family's environment. Now here's your
host, Jonathan Guerrero. Greetings everyone. Thank you so much for joining me. My guest is Dennis
Knight Senior. Dennis is the founder of King Me Ministries, a ministry that focuses on equipping men
to be who God created them to be. Dennis has had a dark childhood that included sexual abuse
and he will share his story and journey to how he survived the abuse and came to a place of
forgiveness and true lasting healing. Dennis, thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge.
What a pleasure. The pleasure is definitely mine. I look forward to what we can discuss today.
So Dennis, let's start with a dad joke. What is your favorite dad joke?
Let me see. I guess I would go with why do chicken cubes have only two doors?
Why do chicken cubes have two doors? I'm not really sure.
Because if they had four, they would be called chicken sedans.
Thank you for sharing that. Dennis, let's start with your story. What happened to you as a child
and how did it impact you as an adult and as a dad? That's a great question. First, thanks for the
opportunity of being able to share this. I'll start by saying that I never thought I would be able
to. But there's something that has clicked recently and I see that God is asking me to do this
for purposes that I don't fully understand. But I can see that it is it seems to be a life raft
for some people that are drowning in where I was and I see that God is starting to get glory for that.
So I thank you for the opportunity in having me on as your guest.
Even from an early age, I wanted to know Jesus. I discovered Jesus at the age of about seven or eight.
I did that by watching this TV show on a network called USA Network. The TV show or the cartoon
was called Storybook and it was a story of two young kids who would travel back into these
biblical times and what they would see in these biblical stories coincided with something that
they were dealing with in their real life and they would understand how God wanted them to respond
to that. And watching that cartoon just, I just fell in love with Jesus. I can't fully explain it.
I come from a home where Jesus was nothing more than a curse word and I was the first person to
to seek him out and to know him and what I know now is that he was seeking me out the entire time.
I wasn't seeking him. But watching this TV program, I had a neighbor who finally the next phase,
she stepped in and invited a bunch of us kids in the neighborhood to go to this vacation Bible
school program at a local church. I loved it. I was all in and all my buddies went and not one of
them enjoyed it, but I loved it. I was so drawn to Jesus even more because of this vacation Bible
study of vacation Bible school. That same church invited me to go away to a summer camp for a week
that their church was hosting and it was there that they filled in the gaps and told me who it was
that I was so drawn to this person of Jesus. And I just fell deeply in love with him and I put my
trust in him and I wanted to be a saviour. And I knew even at that moment at age eight, I wanted to be
a pastor. And what happened was this church dropped us off at this camp and that person that was in
charge, that pastor retired. And a week later, we were actually picked up by a brand new pastor.
And that pastor was young and hip and he was kind of cool, but we had no idea that was even happening.
And back home, I lived to go to church and I wanted more of God. I wanted him more than anything.
And I was invited by this new pastor to stay over, to help. He made me feel special included. He kind
of filled in some of the things that I was lacking in my own relationship with my family. And my hope
was that in spending time with him that he would show me more of who Jesus was. And unfortunately,
he didn't. He started to sexually abuse me and that abuse lasted for several years, progressively.
And as I've come through that healing process, one of the hardest things for me to do
was to see like, where were you in this Jesus? Why didn't you stop this? Why would you lead me
to a man who I thought was going to show me more of you, but you allowed him to hurt me and
ways that are unspeakable? Coming through that healing process, those were the hardest years of my life.
And looking back, I realized that life is lived forward and it's understood backwards. And I say that
to say that I didn't see how that childhood abuse impacted me until I've been removed from that
in healing. And as I look at that, I see that my own self worth was in the tank. I constantly
doubted myself and my ability. I had these big dreams that I thought were of God, but I had zero
confidence that I was the man enough to accomplish those. I felt like I was always posing. And I was
getting really good at hiding the pain and brokenness, especially from other men, hoping that they
never could tell that I was damaged and even dirty. I was always confident that other men knew
that I was less than a man for what I allowed to happen to me. At least that was my thoughts.
I feel like my chance at being a man was stolen from me and I could never get that back. As a
dad, I was completely overprotective. I wouldn't let my kids sleep out anywhere. I trusted nobody. I
always thought that they wanted to hurt my child. And when it came to my walk with Jesus, I knew that
he loved me, but it always felt that he loved me for some selfish reason. He loved me for what he
could gain from me. I saw him through the eyes of my abuser. Jesus loved me, but he had an ulterior motive.
He didn't just love me. He loved me for something that he could get from me. And that was really,
really difficult. If God could have prevented such a horrible abuse from happening, then why didn't He?
My own faith in Jesus has never really wavered. As I look back on this and this is the remarkable
side of it, I have always believed in his ability to have saved me through this. I believe that he can
bring good from what's happened to me, but I question, I just, I feel like that question has to be,
to be, to be answered. If God were ever to be trusted by the men who have been abused or fathers who
have not been able to prevent their own kids from being abused, we need to have an understanding of
this. We need to have an answer for that. And yes, God could have stopped my abuser. And in some
ways, He tried, right? He tried to put those guardrails to prevent evil from coming into this world.
It's complicated and that's hard to understand and it takes some faith. But here's what I understand
and choose to believe about why God allows bad things. I am sure there are greater minds that can speak
to this, but for me, this is what God has allowed me to believe and where He's allowed me to connect
back with Him. I think of a couple things. I think of the book of Job and had God decided to protect me
and let no harm come to me. I feel like Satan could have sent a God. Of course, he's going to follow you.
Of course, Dennis is going to be a good pastor. Of course, he's going to be a good dad. Of course,
because you've protected him and you keep him safe from any harm. God could have challenged God
if God chose to just supernaturally protect me. But God let Satan cause some really bad things to
happen to Job and to me and other people that have been abused. But one thing is interesting. God
trusted, a Job trusted God. Job was frustrated. Job was angry, but that was all directed towards God.
Job's eyes never left God. He questioned. He was frustrated. He was angry, but he was angry
in a relationship with God. And what I've discovered is Satan doesn't want me to worship him.
Satan's plan is so much more simple than that. What Satan seems to want to do is he wants my
eyes to leave God, to look at my situation, to be afraid of the evil that happens. And in doing so,
Satan wins. Satan's goal is simply to get my eyes to not look at my savior through the hardest
times of our lives. The second thing that I look at is the story in John 9, where the disciples come
across this blind man and they say to Jesus, Jesus, who sent him or his parents? In Jesus looked at them,
he said, "Neither. Sometimes some of these bad things happen to people so that the glory of God
can be shown." And I see the story of Job and the story of Jesus in John 9 on the same level.
Because Job chose to trust God through unspeakable things, unspeakable loss. God was honored. God was
able to look at the enemy and say, "See? I can allow the worst things to happen to them, but when they
keep their eyes on me, everything's okay. Everything works out. Everything makes sense." And so,
why does God allow some of that stuff to happen? I don't fully know. But I do know in His promises
and where I get my hope is through the Prophet Joel, where God says through Him. He says, "I will
restore the years that the Locus have eaten." And so, while I can't understand why God allowed it,
why He didn't prevent it, I know that He has poised to get glory for Himself. I know He's poised to get
to make good things come out of this in my own life, even if it's just to make me more like His Son.
I know this promise that He says, "What was stolen from you, Dennis? All the things that you've had
to go through, because you've trusted in me, because your eyes remain on me. One day soon, I'm going to
restore all that stuff that was stolen from you." And so, that's kind of where I am. And that's how
God has allowed me to answer why He has allowed this to happen in my life.
I think it's important to note as well that God doesn't cause these bad things to happen. He
allows them. And I think the other part of this to understand about God is that it says repeatedly
in Scripture that God really loves justice. Justice is a very, very big deal to Him. And when we go
to the story of Job, and we look at how it resolves that God restores Job, in part of that is all of
His friends who were mocking Him, who were ridiculing Him, criticizing Him, who were really of no help.
And they had a very holier-than-thou attitude, like, "What did you do to bring this on yourself?"
You need the piety that they were trying to brag about and demonstrate to Job.
In the end, that comes back to bite them because when God makes it very clear to them that they were
wrong, and that they had actually sinned, God made it clear, "I'm not going to listen to your prayers,
I'm not going to accept your sacrifices or anything until you have made first made things right
with Job." When you have repaired things with Job and repaired that relationship,
yeah, then go make sacrifices to mean, "Then I'll listen to your prayers and forgive you."
Yeah, I think it was Tim Keller who said that. He made such a good point. He says,
"Jobe was permitted to share his frustration, to share his anger, the share, the regret that he was
ever born." He was allowed by God to do that, and God didn't call that sin because what Job did,
which was different than his friends, is Job directed all of that to God. Job stayed in relationship. Job
kept his eyes on God through it all. At the beginning of that, it says, "Even amongst
this Job chose not to sin." He never dishonored God. Even when his wife said, "Curse God and die."
He was like, "No. Even if God takes everything away from me, or if He blesses me,
my eyes are going to remain on him." For me, that's the deeper theological reason of why God
allows bad things to happen is because I do believe that God's eyes are going back and forth in the
world like He tells us. He's looking for that one man or that one woman who sold out to Him,
that they can be exposed to some of the darkest and deepest evil, and yet they're not wavered.
Their eyes don't leave Him and say before Satan, say, "Look at my child. I allowed you," as you say,
God never causes that, but I allowed this. I allowed you access. I allowed you to do this to my child,
and look what they chose to do. They continually looked at me. They continually found their strength.
And even when I refuse to answer the why, they still said, "I'm holding on to you." And that's
really been the difference in my life. As I look at some of the men that I have counseled who've been
kind of hurt or hurt through the same man, it's kind of that same thing. I see their life. I see
such brokenness and so different. And what I see are men that refuse to trust God in this. And I think
oftentimes, I'm like, "Why am I so different?" I came from the same type of family. I was abused the
same way. Why am I different? What's the different component in my life, in my story, than theirs? And I
think, and it has nothing to do with me. It's a gift, or at least I think God has allowed me. My
eyes have just been able to look at Him and say, "God, it doesn't make sense. That was hard. That was
scary, but my eyes are still looking to you. Looking to you to help me make sense of this. Looking for
you to keep your promise that you're going to make something good out of this one day. I really think
that's the difference for me." The next question is going to seem really strange. But I know that there
are a lot of people, a lot of dads who have suffered abuse. And this question is lurks somewhere
in the back of their mind. But as an adult, did you ever feel in your mind that you were making a big
deal out of your childhood abuse than it really was? Did you ever feel maybe a sort of guilt or feel
like in some way it was your fault or that maybe you might have been making some part of it up or you
have a detail fuzzy here or there? Did that ever cross your mind? I'm glad you asked this question,
because as I was confronted with these memories and what do I do with them? I always felt like I had
to prove to other people. And I felt like maybe I am making a big deal about this. Maybe I didn't
see it the way it really happened. Maybe I've manufactured some of these feelings. So I think it's a
super important question for those guys because as God, if there are other men that have been abused,
they have to wrestle with this question. So it's I think it's a paramount question in the process
of healing. But for me, it's a strong yes and a no. I never thought I was making a big deal of the
abuse. I never really had to deal with that. I always instead I avoided it. I felt that somehow I
must have misunderstood my abusers intentions. I must have invited this somehow and here's where it
gets really until you understand the psychology of being groomed and abused. I must have invited
this because I loved this man and I kept going back when I could have said no. And that's a really
hard thing to explain to people. He wasn't my dad. He wasn't my caretaker. I could have just said,
I don't want to go to church anymore. I wasn't a part of a family where church was part of our life.
That was just me. That was my thing. And I feel like I gave him access to me. I allowed him to spend
time with me. I have so many times said, I actually loved this man who hurt me. And that's a hard
thing to wrestle with. How do you love somebody that's abused you? What he did for me in so many
areas of my life, he enriched my life. He expanded my understanding of how the world works.
He took me places as a poor kid that my parents never could have taken me. He I was important to him.
I went on trips. We hunted, we fished, we hiked, we traveled to places that my parents never could
have taken us. And what I realized is those daytime hours spent with him shaped many good parts of my
life. But the nighttime hours is where the abuse happened. And I suppressed and refused to believe
that he hurt me. And that was a hard thing to really wrestle with. How do you love your abuser? And
there's some psychological reasons for that. And there's an explanation for that. But that's really what
I worked through. And I say yes, too, because I hate seeing the damage that this is causing even his
family and his children. And on so many people that he ministered to, I see lives being just crushed
because of his sin. And so I wear that weight of, what is it necessary for me to say something?
Was it necessary for me to let this come into the light? Why didn't I just continue to just let it be?
And what changed everything for me was two things. And they were very important for me. The first
one was hearing that this man had groomed several other boys at the same age that he groomed me.
And these men's lives have been destroyed. And when that was shared with me,
that's when all the memories were triggered. That's when the sleepless nights came. That's when
the nightmares came. That's when that's when I was sort of having to go back into what happened to
me as a child, all those feelings that I have ignored and suppressed. And the second thing that was
so helpful is my wife, she said to me one day, she said, Dennis, this didn't happen to you, the strong,
loving, and more than capable man who can protect himself in those he loves. This happened to an
eight-year-old boy. And you have to stand up and you have to protect and have give a voice to that eight-year-old
boy for the sake of the other eight-year-old boy, so that this is happening to those things help me
to put in perspective what happened. Who did it and whose fault this was? It wasn't that little eight-year-old
boy's fault. It was the abuser who knew exactly what he was doing. So that's definitely something I've
had to wrestle with and other people coming out of that that trauma. They're going to have to because
I think the enemy and the world may not understand it and they're going to sort of push that question
to you and you're going to feel that that question whether they ask it or not, you're going to feel
like it's right there on the surface. They want to know, how did you allow this to happen? And that's
a tough thing to answer, but it's important. You started King Me Ministries. Tell us about it.
Talk a little bit about God's purpose for dads. Yeah, so I remember sitting in bed one night and
having just finished ministry and thinking maybe God's finished with me and I woke up in the middle
of the night and it literally just felt like God said, King Me Ministries and trying to process,
well, what do you mean by that? What is where is that? And quickly realize that if you've ever
played checkers, the whole point of playing checkers is you take your little pieces and you march
them down to the end of the board, your opponent side of the board and you hope to get to that one spot
where you look at them and you say, King Me and they have to put that second piece on top and that
second piece symbolizes your ability to move in any direction. You can do what you couldn't do before
you arrived at that point and King Me Ministries is just that. It's dads who look at their sons
and they say, "Ah, I have intentionally raised you to be a man and you have arrived and let me
let me king you. Let me now enable you to move in any direction that you need to. Let me make you
a force on this field that you're playing in this life." And so King Me aims to celebrate men and
dads who get it right. They know how to intentionally raise their kids in a fear and then the love of God
and we know that there are some men who want to do it right. They just don't have the tools. They
don't have the know how. And so we want to come alongside them and equip them with what it takes
to be a good dad. And of course the third component of that is there are some boys that will never have a
dad and we want to step in the gap there and provide what those fathers have not. The absence of those
fathers have not. And what we're working to do even as we speak today is we're trying to build a
three phase program working with dads and their sons. And the idea of phase one is to take boys at
a ten year old and you take them and their dad and you give them a weekend away, four days away
and it's just filled with adventure. In that first phase it's an invitation from a dad to a son
to enter into this journey from this day until you're eighteen where hopefully at the culmination
of this program we are going to just celebrate your arrival into manhood. And phase two is just kind
of a checkup four day adventure where 15 year olds and their dad the same dads hopefully
and boys they come back a few years later and it's just a check in another weekend of adventure where
they're kind of spoken into and equipped to strengthen their own relationship and ultimately
phase three is where the father is going to stand before their son in this third time away. And
they're just going to just sort of commemorate their arrival for a for a father to look over into
his son's eyes and say son you have intentionally entered into this journey of becoming a man.
You and I have worked through these these things that we think are important and and and
identify you as a man and I want you to know that you've done everything needed to arrive at this
point and I just want to celebrate your arrival into manhood. How can dads connect with you for
help or questions or find out more about what you're doing? Yeah the best way is to go on our website
kingmeanministries.com they can email me my email is going to be on that website you can reach out to me
we could I'd love to share our story see how we can partner see how we can come alongside these
men and really equip them to be one God meant when he decided to make man. And just to make it easier if
you go to the fatherhoodchallenge.com that's the fatherhoodchallenge.com if you go to this episode look
right below the episode description and I will have all of the links posted there for your convenience.
And Dennis as we close talk to that dad who's gone through a similar experience how do they heal?
First let me say this if this has happened to you or if this has happened to one of your children
it's not your fault I think God wants you to hear that I think that's the starting block of healing.
You didn't deserve this you didn't cause this what happened to you was pure evil and though you
may not see it God is a just God and he will one day put an end to all this evil and there will be
justice trust him he's not a reflection of your views. He is God and he will have the last word
and I share a quick story and I shared this with you prior to being on air when I was 10 years old
I was playing hide and seek and sat behind this this this lie like bush and this property marker
just the metal rod went right into my leg about two inches go to the doctor the doctor so's it up
a couple weeks later it's infected and my mom takes me back to the doctor the doctor says this is a
pretty big deal and he decides that he was going to lance it and he would require that my mom would
stick these long you know q tips into my leg the wound in my leg and it would allow it to heal
from the inside out and what happened as it healed and healed and healed the last bit my mom found
some fabric that was part of the pants that I was wearing and that was trapped inside me
and my leg couldn't function the way it was supposed to be because of this thing that was this
foreign object that was there and I look at that story of what happened and it's the exact same
thing that I feel God has done with me God brought me back into this wound not to leave me there
not to make fun of me not to make me feel less than he took me back into this so that he by his grace
and because he loves me because he's for me he wanted to heal this wound from the inside out
and and God wants to do the exact same thing with you he's looking for men that are going to trust him
to take us back into those those deep dark wounds and allow God even though it's a tough process
in a hard process he wants to heal us to the point where I've often said do you have a scam or do
you have a scar if you have a scab in your life things will poke at it and things it'll catch on
things and it'll rip back open or you have a scar that's just a reminder at one time you got hurt
and God wants to take that scab that wound that keeps opening and you keep bumping into it he wants
to heal it in such a way that all you're going to see for the rest of your life is the scar
the reminder that it happened but it's healed and it's a story and God has been good through that
and so that's really what I want other men to know this has happened to you there's help out there
and more importantly than that God is the one that's going to hold us straight healing and he wants
to do that because he loves you Dennis thanks again for being on the father of your challenge
that's been a pleasure thank you man God continue to bless all you're doing in his name
thank you for listening to this episode of the fatherhood challenge if you would like to contact us
listen to other episodes find any resource mentioned in this program or find out more information
about the fatherhood challenge please visit the fatherhoodchallenge.com that's the fatherhoodchallenge.com
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Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/thefatherhoodchallengepodcast/donations28m - Mar 1, 2024 - A Dads Guide to Raising Strong Kids
Have you ever wondered what the secret is to raising confident resilient kids who are achievers? How would you create a parenting plan to accomplish this? I have an expert here in this episode who has written a book on this topic and he will share some tips with us.
My guest is the author of 4 books including the one we are here to talk about: Four Lessons from My Three Sons, How You Can Raise Resilient Kids. Jeff Nelligan explains how his parenting techniques helped propel his sons to the U.S. Naval Academy, Williams College and West Point and beyond.
To get Jeff Nelligan's books, learn more or connect visit:
Web: https://www.nelliganbooks.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/JeffNelliganBooks
Twitter: https://twitter.com/ResilientSons
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/nelligan_books/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jeff-nelligan-8277654/
Special thanks to Zencastr for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. Use my special link https://zen.ai/CWHIjopqUnnp9xKhbWqscGp-61ATMClwZ1R8J5rm824WHQIJesasjKDm-vGxYtYJ to save 30% off your first month of any Zencastr paid plan.
Transcript - A Dad's Guide to Raising Strong Kids
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Have you ever wondered what the secret is to raising confident resilient kids who are
achievers?
How would you create a parenting plan to accomplish this?
I have an expert here with me who has written a book on this topic and he will share some
tips with us in just a moment so don't go anywhere.
Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge, a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere
to take great pride in their role and a challenge society to understand how important fathers
are to the stability and culture of their family's environment.
Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.
Greetings everyone.
Thank you so much for joining me.
My guest is an author of four books, including the one that we're here to talk about, four
lessons from my three sons, how you can raise resilient kids.
This book explains how the author's parenting techniques helped to propel his sons into
the US Naval Academy, Williams College and West Point and beyond.
Jeff, thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge.
Hey Jonathan, it's a privilege to be with you, my friend.
I have to know what is your favorite dad joke?
My five year old kid is checking in at a lacrosse camp.
He's in a line with kids and he gets to the front.
They're getting the vital information for each kid.
The guy says, what's your address and then he says, when is your birthday?
And my kid looks at him and he says, every year.
That is awesome.
Thank you my man.
Well let's jump right into it.
There is a lot of information in your book.
I also know that you've had an amazing career with adventures that many could only dream
of.
How did this journey happen?
Well Jonathan, you know, every, every dad and they're all listening to this, you know,
they see the progression of their kids from the time three hours after they're born and
they're holding them all the way to two to four to six to sixteen.
And I was on that progression.
And when the last kid left for college, the last kid went to West Point and I dropped them
off at West Point and I had driven home and I was sitting outside in my backyard and my
first thought was, now what am I going to do?
Because here to four, I'd had all these days and weekends full of things to do with my
sons, athletic events, school events, just horse and around and suddenly there was nobody.
And so I'm sitting out there, I thought, well, you know, these guys have kind of performed,
you know, pretty well.
The eldest went to Williams College and then went to the Navy, Officer Canada School, middle
kid, had just finished at the Naval Academy and then this kid was up there at West Point
for a summer of getting beat down.
And I thought, now what can I, what are the lessons to be learned from this?
Literally the lessons and I thought, I have four lessons here on how these kids were raised
and I'm going to put them in book form and it's going to be short and hard and fast and
funny.
And that's how the book evolved and eventually, you know, was published and came out and it's
40 minutes, a 40 minute read, it's not some coffee table anchor, you know, 350 pages of gibberish.
But the genesis was, I've got these kids, they're all gone now.
What did I learn?
What did we learn?
As a dad, what are some of your biggest wins or successes with your kids?
And what are you the most proud of?
Oh, great question again, you know, all dads have that question at some point.
The biggest success is that today they're all satisfied and yesterday they were all satisfied
and when they were 14, they were satisfied.
These were kids who there wasn't a lot of anxiety or worry.
They undertook things pretty diligently and mostly succeeded and that's the long game
in parenting, you know, a kid that along the stage of his life is satisfied, is joyful,
you know, spiritually happy, accomplished.
So it's the success is having that kid who over that long game, that long period of time
is a pretty good, natured, confident, easygoing child.
And then of course, adolescent and then young man or young woman.
The kid has a sense of his place or her place in the world that there's just a rock solid
presence that they maintain, whether they're around their peers, their parents, strangers,
adults, whomever, and it goes to the confidence angle as well too.
That life seems to flow along for that kid in that, you know, very easygoing fashion and
that ups and downs and everyone hits a wall in life, all kids hit it, some kids hit it more
frequently than others.
But that whatever adversity or obstacle comes that they can get over it or get around
it and absorb it, I used to have, I had this drill sergeant when I was in the army, big,
just a tough guy, from whom I learned a ton about life.
And he would always say to us, wherever we were on our infantry training, he would say,
assess, adapt, advance.
And so we learned that.
It became part of a reflex action for all of us soldiers.
That's the mindset I tried to build in.
I worked on building into the kids so that they had that presence of mind that they could
meet any challenge.
And even if they got 90% down the field, 90 yard down the field, felt calm and confident
in addressing it.
There are two components to every man that makes a man stable.
One is knowing his identity and the other one is knowing his purpose and the identity is
broken up into two components.
One is a generational component, knowing who you are from a standpoint of where you come
from, like your dad, your grandfather, your great grandfather, what were their struggles?
Is there alcoholism in the family?
Generationally.
And is that what you're up against?
Knowing things like that, having information like that that is part of your identity.
Because if you know this information and you know it's potentially, it could be potentially
in front of you, maybe immediately in front of you or maybe at some point, you are prepared.
You can prepare yourself and do something about it before it becomes a problem.
The other side of you is your spiritual identity.
And that is a huge part of your makeup of what makes you who you are.
So that's why I found your point in the very beginning about knowing themselves spiritually
why that was so important.
Yes.
And I add to that Jonathan, one of your earlier podcasts, you made this great point and you
just made it again.
You were talking about a train and the generational identity and you're in the engine and the
rest of your generations behind you and those trains that are, that you're dragging along
with you.
That generational identity is so key because you do learn things intuitively and materially
from your fathers, your moms, your grandmothers, your grandfathers.
You know, I'm always perplexed today about hearing about kids who are, you know, stressed
out or who are uncertain and anxious, you know, my dad at 15 years of age was working in a
vanadium mine, a mile beneath the surface of the Sierra Nevada Mountains.
At 18, he participated in the invasion of Okinawa, one of the biggest battles of World War
2.
At 19, he was patrolling the streets of Tokyo as part of the occupation force.
He came home in 1946, having not seen his family in a year and had to take care of his parents
for four years and ultimately made it to Los Angeles and was the oldest member of his graduating
class at UCLA.
His father never made it past seventh grade.
So we're talking about strong, strong men here and my mom's experience was pretty much the
same.
There's a whole generation of people like that and my dad's story is hardly remarkable for
that fact.
But that's that train, that's in that car that's right behind me, what my dad did and my
mom did.
So knowing that, you know, you're able to kind of coalesce around the things that made them
strong and then you try to instill it in your kids.
This gets into something we're going to talk about a little bit later on in this conversation,
which is leaving a lasting legacy.
I think that's powerful, but you just dropped a really big hint to that.
So the next question can be a very uncomfortable one, but I would encourage dads listening to
answer this question for yourself and not to be scared of it because if you dive head
first into this next question, it will make you a stronger, powerful dad.
Now, question is, what are some of your biggest regrets or mistakes that you've made as a dad?
And what did you learn from them and how did they help you grow?
Certainly.
And you know, you got to acknowledge, you know, you got to good and bad.
I said it earlier, no one gets a free ride.
You know, I was never a perfect dad.
There's no such thing as a perfect dad, just like there's no such thing as a perfect
kid.
My biggest mistake, and maybe it's universal in fatherhood is that I thought that I knew
my kids pretty well, but there were times that I did not.
And in fact, in the book, four lessons from my three sons, there are at least five or six
examples self-deprecating of when I made a mistake with my kids.
And I was ashamed or humiliated.
And it was the kid that was set me right.
I mean, one of the stories is I was riding this kid, the eldest kid, to run for the student
body position at his school.
And I kept riding him and riding him.
And he's, you know, finally one night when I was still nagging him, he turns to me and he says,
"Dad, I know what I'm doing here."
And it was a shock.
And I said, "How?"
You know, you do.
Because you just came back at me pretty hard.
And that's the way it's got to be sometimes.
The dad's got to take that correction and the humiliation, I guess, that goes along with
it.
And say, "Wow, the kid is right.
I don't know at all."
And, you know, anyone who's vain enough to write a book about, you know, his parenting techniques
is also got to be strong enough to take the heat when he's wrong.
Were you a little bit proud of his answer, even a little bit?
No, not really at the time.
I just shut up.
I thought, "Well, you know, you're making a big mistake here because the kid was, you know,
good on his feet.
He's a popular kid at school.
He was an athlete.
He was, you know, a pretty sharp kid."
Now, I thought, "Man, you're blowing this opportunity."
But, you know, if you're, you know, any adults got to know when to say, "Hey, you know, I'm
in the wrong here."
And it probably an hour later, I was thinking, "Okay, you know, I got a back off on this because
the kid knows what he's doing."
And there's, like in the last sections of the book, I'm taking, you know, we're, where
we live in Washington, D.C. and in Bethesda, there are massive office buildings all over the
place in D.C.
You know, and then right across the river in Virginia throughout Montgomery County, where
we lived, you know, office park, sometimes just five or six stories, D.C., 13 stories all
over the place.
We've been in New York, et cetera.
And, you know, these big monster buildings and their full of steel and glass and they're
just absolutely soulless.
And I wanted to make a point to them and I said, "Hey, man, hey guys, you know, we're driving
around past all these office buildings.
Let me tell you about them."
I said, "And every one of them, there's a guy sitting in an office and on the wall, he's
got a picture of his family and on his desk, he's got a mug like you made me in second grade."
And he's staring at a computer screen because this guy sitting there was going to be, he was
going to be somebody, he was going to be a jet pilot or he was going to be in real estate,
he was going to own his own business, he was going to sail around the world.
He was, you know, going to fix cars and be a, you know, a star at that.
Instead, he's sitting there staring at a computer saying, "What the hell am I doing here?"
And I said, "Guys, you don't want to be like that guy because that guy's your dad."
And you have got to get farther than your old man did.
They were kind of shocked and I said, "Hey, it's the truth, man."
You know, you've got to get farther than that.
Staring at a screen, you know, sending emails, getting on Zoom calls, you know, all of that
jive, you have got to have the, the, the, the farthest landscape in a rise and you can possibly
dream of.
But I want to come back to that question that I was hinting at earlier.
Every dad I know wants to leave a positive legacy behind that will last for generations.
What is the secret to making that happen?
I think you've got to build kids, you know, just like the, the themes in the book.
I think, you know, the most important trait a kid can have is that confidence in being
in the real world.
And that let that confidence leads to accomplishments because a kid that can walk through the world and
and take the pain and achieve the successes, that becomes a habit.
It becomes a reflex for every aspect of their life.
And as they grow older, you know, the accomplishments, the achievements just grow in size and in
magnitude.
A kid can have a good lacrosse game in age six.
And then he's in college and he has the same kind of game.
And he says, I know where this started.
It started when I was six years old.
So that's, that's a legacy, even for a kid over the course of 15 years.
When I think what you're talking about is a dad who is holding that kid, you know, at three
hours and says, what is this kid going to be?
You know, a dad.
Yeah.
He holds that kid and then and that's part of the, that's the central theme of the book
really is holding that kid at three hours old and saying, I've got a strategy to make this
kid realize the potential that he has because I'm old fashioned.
Every kid has potential in one thing, maybe several.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's absolutely true.
Whenever I am my parenting journey, I'm always aware that the things that I'm teaching
them, regardless of what age they happen to be, those lessons are going to last and are
supposed to last long after I'm gone.
Oh, yeah.
You are programming genetics in the way you raise them.
So that is, there's multiple components to leaving a legacy.
But it just when you have that on your, on the front of your mind, it makes you very mindful
about the decisions that you make with your kids, what you're teaching them, the values,
the values you live yourself by your examples sometimes are the most powerful teacher to
your kids.
Correct.
Again, why is Jonathan, they are values are essential because they affect every aspect
of your life.
Now, let's really get to the pinpoint of your book and that is resiliency.
How do you teach your kids to be resilient in the face of failure?
That's where the strategy comes in.
They kind of bounces back to your earlier question, Jonathan, when you're talking about legacy
because in kids, you know, long, you, and you use the words long after you're gone.
Most kids and most parents don't know this, but by 12 and a half to 13 years of age, that
parent has spent the bulk of the time.
They're going to spend with their child in their life.
Because after that, the kid moves on and has many more actions with peers and, and strangers
and the institutions in which they find themselves.
So my, my shot at teaching resilience began really early and the best way to build resilience
is to put them in situations in that real world where after 13 years old, they're going
to spend the bulk of their life without you.
And if the, putting them in that real world, and I mean the, the world that's outside the
front door, you know, the, the school, the malls, the athletic fields, the hardware store,
you know, different kinds of places in the community in the neighborhood.
I gave them tests.
Probably the first one was we were in an indoor mall.
Eldest kid was seven, the youngest kid was about four and a half and I pulled out of my wallet,
three, five dollar bills and I said, hey guys, I gave five to each kid and I said, go get
the old man change.
This is not a race.
You can go wherever you want.
I'll keep an eye on you, but you got to get changed.
And I'll see you back here.
And so off they went, they were kind of, they were kind of fired up because it was a task.
It was kind of something exciting.
And you know, two, two of the kids struck out at the first place they went and then they
all came, one kid came back with 20 quarters and, but the idea was they had to go on their
own and mix it up with whoever stranger was at a cash register to get the change.
And we did this a lot in all different kinds of places.
And then of course the tasks began to accelerate and graduate into tougher instances.
Hey kid, you know, here's a $20 bill, go into that sketchy 7/11 over there and get me
gatorade and Doritos and donuts and bring them back to the car.
And then it is, we're at a restaurant and I point at one kid who's, you know, six years
old and I say, you memorize the old man.
The order we're going to, of what we want and you tell the waiter or the waitress everything
for all of us that are sitting here.
And then it's, here's my ATM card, go get the old man, $300, here's my passcode.
And then we're at an airport and I say, here's the material, go get us boarding passes.
So every challenge, you know, increased in kind of volume and intensity.
So that by the time these guys are eight or nine years old, they're fine in the real world.
They'll go off on their own and get what needs to be done.
But it also helps just in their regular interactions at school and after school, they have the confidence
to undertake anything.
And I think that's the beginning of building that resilience because they become accustomed
to doing things that no other kid at age seven is ever going to do.
Now let's talk about negative influences.
How did you teach your kids to avoid negative influences from their peers?
Oh, that's easy.
I completely, almost cut my kids off from social media.
I think the most negative influence in this country today and it's been, it's been documented
by much smarter people than me.
Dr. Jonathan Haye, the NYU and Dr. Jean Twenge at San Diego State University.
I mean, we reached a point where school systems are saying you can't bring phones to school
or the TikTok or that even Facebook admits, Zuckerberg, the social media avalanche has had
a negative effect on kids.
I sought early on because it was easy to see a kid looking at a screen becomes a zombie.
And the actual, you know, statistical evidence is so there.
An average kid today spends eight hours and 49 minutes a day on a screen, a cell phone or
an iPad.
And that's outside of school work.
And an average boy between ages of 10 and 18, if you took them all and took all the time they
spent on video games, Minecraft, Call of Duty, cod is around two hours and 14 minutes.
There's no reasonable person that can tell me that nine hours or two and a half hours looking
at a screen is healthy, particularly with, you know, the sewage is on the interweb.
So we, you know, the negative influences come all from the screen.
My kids didn't get phones until they were at the end of 11th grade.
And then I had a bet with them.
I said, look, whoever brings home a phone with the least power used gets a couple bucks every
day.
Oh, that's awesome.
There was no use of screens except for homework.
And they were limited to one hour a day, one hour a week with video games and we, they
could only be on weekends.
And of course, they weren't even around on weekends.
They were constantly out about doing stuff, mostly athletic stuff.
So the negative influences, I think, pretty much come from just that addiction, that zombification
of, you know, social media in general.
And my kids today, you know, they don't even have Facebook pages.
You know, I mean, they're just not on.
They don't, they don't have any of the apps or anything like that.
How can dads listening connect with you?
How can they get your book or find out more about what you're doing?
Certainly.
My website is www.nelliganbooks.com.
That has the books on it.
The one you, we've been speaking of four lessons from my three sons as well.
It has a book that I wrote a year and a half ago called Your Kids Rebound from Pandemic Lockdowns,
a parent guide to restoring their family.
I wrote this book after the, you know, during or after COVID and it is massively cited, 250
sides to medical, psychological, national survey data on what lockdowns, isolation, confinement
and no school did to kids and it provides a way forward for how parents can reverse that
damage and get the kid back that they, that they want.
And I will say the first chapter of it is the screens, you know, the glowing rectangle
that focuses on all what happened with kids on screens, the acceleration of use of them.
And then the fourth chapter gives parents an idea of how that can be rectified.
And my Twitter handle is @ResilientSons.
My Instagram is "Nelligan_Books" and my Facebook is Jeff Nelligan Books.
I'm going to make it easier to find all of the links that Jeff just mentioned.
So if you go to thefatherhoodchallenge.com, that's thefatherhoodchallenge.com, go to this
episode and look right below the episode description.
I'm going to have all of the links posted there for your convenience.
Jeff, we close.
What is your challenge to dad's listening now?
Get that phone out of that kid's hand and say, "Hey, we're going to sit down and we're
going to regulate what you see."
And if it means, you know, taking the phone away from you for days on end, so be it.
If it means cutting off the routers in the house, so be it.
If it means blocking massive numbers of sites from the home computers and your phone, that's
what it's going to be.
So that's a piece of practical advice.
The second thing is, and this is what I did with all three of my sons, beginning when
they're about five years old.
I'm still doing it today.
Every Saturday, I take a kid down to the most peaceful place on the planet and it is the
high school bleachers on a Saturday morning.
And we sit in those bleachers and I'd say, "Okay, what's going on, bro?
Tell me what's hot, what's not, what happened this week, what's your challenges, what have
been your successes."
And this became a routine, again, the reflex.
We would sit there and we'd have half an hour hour talk about just what's going on.
And then we'd go home and begin the weekend chores, the weekend games, everything else.
I started this all three kids.
They knew on a Saturday, if it was their Saturday, "Hey, you've got to talk to the old man
here for an hour about what's going on."
And it still goes on.
My kids were home, all three of them were together for the first time in five years on Christmas.
And the reason being, because of military deployments all over the world, always interrupted
everyone being home at once.
And where does the middle kid and I go on a Saturday morning?
We go right down to the high school bleachers, it's 35 degrees outside, it's freezing.
And we just talked for about 45 minutes about what's been going on since we saw each other
last.
And that's my second piece of advice, again, practical advice to meet, as you say, that
Fatherhood Challenge.
Dads get the book.
We really did not come close to covering, probably even a quarter of what's in the book.
So get the book and read it cover to cover.
And Jeff, thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge and sharing all of this
wisdom with us.
Hey, my pleasure and privilege, Jonathan.
Thanks, man.
Thank you for listening to this episode of The Fatherhood Challenge.
If you would like to contact us, listen to other episodes, find any resource mentioned in
this program or find out more information about the Fatherhood Challenge, please visit
thefatherhoodchallenge.com.
That's TheFatherhoodChallenge.com
[MUSIC]
Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/thefatherhoodchallengepodcast/donations29m - Feb 23, 2024 - Dads Demons and Bad Spirits
As fathers, it is our responsibility to navigate the complexities of the modern world and safeguard our children from harmful spiritual influences. The rise of new age philosophies and practices can be enticing, but they often lead our children down a perilous path, veering them away from the truth and into dangerous spiritual territory. In this episode we empower fathers to protect their children from the demonic influences of new age ideas.
My guest is Dr. Roger Krickler. Dr Krickler is a retired engineer with 43 years of military and defense contractor experience. His expertise was in ground-to-air Soviet missile defense systems, electronic warfare, radar and training fighter pilots how to defend against soviet air defense systems. Upon coming home from his deployment to Egypt and meeting Jesus, he started going to church. There he had his first experience helping with casting out demons. His experience and expertise on both conventional and spiritual warfare are why I’ve brought Dr Krickler on the program.
You can find Dr. Krickler here:
Website: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2276667
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61556040728522
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3DRj7jSapwYHXNJAcAzPNN
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@RogerKrickler
Special thanks to Zencastr for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. Use my special link https://zen.ai/CWHIjopqUnnp9xKhbWqscGp-61ATMClwZ1R8J5rm824WHQIJesasjKDm-vGxYtYJ to save 30% off your first month of any Zencastr paid plan.
Transcript - Dads Demons and Bad Spirits
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As fathers, it is our responsibility to navigate the complexities of the modern world and safeguard
our children from harmful spiritual influences. New age philosophies and practices can be enticing.
They often lead our children down a perilous path, veering them away from the truth and into
dangerous spiritual territory. In this episode, we empower fathers to protect their children
from demonic influences of new age ideas. I will be introducing an expert on spiritual warfare
in just a moment so don't go anywhere. Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge, a movement to awaken
and inspire fathers everywhere to take great pride in their role and a challenge society to understand
how important fathers are to the stability and culture of their families environment. Now here's
your host, Jonathan Guerrero. Greetings everyone. Thank you so much for joining me. My guest is Dr.
Roger Crickler. Dr. Crickler is a retired engineer with 43 years of military and defense contractor
experience. His expertise was in ground to air Soviet missile defense systems, electrical warfare,
radar and training fighter pilots, how to defend against Soviet air defense systems. Upon coming
home from his deployment to Egypt and meeting Jesus, he started going to church. There he had his
first experience with helping cast out demons. His experience and expertise on both conventional
and spiritual warfare are why I have brought Dr. Crickler on the program. Dr. Crickler, welcome to the
Fatherhood Challenge. Thank you, Jonathan. I think it's an opportunity for me to be with you today
and I sure do thank you for it. Please start by sharing your story of how you got involved in spiritual
warfare. Okay, I'd be glad to. It actually started in 1984. I took an assignment after a divorce in
1983 to Cairo, Egypt and I met a man John Wade. He was a Christian and we began a friendship and over
several months we talked about Jesus and he explained the good news story to me. And after a few months,
I turned my life over to the Lord. And as I read the New Testament and I tell you what an experience
for someone that just learning about Jesus and never really grew up in the church, it really brought
the Bible to life. As an engineer, I was always fascinated by how long a Sabbath day was for not growing
up in the church. That was something brand new to me and helping with casting out demons. That was an
experience. And I can tell you like it was a second ago that during the casting out of the demon,
it was a young girl. We bound her to a card table chair so she couldn't move around the room.
Not any constraints, but just spiritually binding her to the chair. And I tell you,
being brand new, I had two things going on in me at the same time. One, I was fully engaged and
you know, casting out the demons, but then a part of me was almost like an out-of-body experience
floating above me, looking down, going, is this really happening? You know, and then
instantly I went right back and engaged in the battle against the spirit of suicide and the spirit
of depression is what she had. But it was quite the experience for a technical guy that now is
you know, involved with the spiritual aspect of life. It was truly eye-opening and then after that,
I continued on with my study of spiritual warfare because God had called me into that,
even in Egypt, some of the prayer meetings or prayer sessions we had in the hotel rooms.
I just felt the calling way back then to get involved with this and it just happened to be my
training over my 43 years that God helped me with. That also complimented the spiritual warfare aspects
in trying to do what I do in my podcast, which is to try to take natural world experiences that
you can visualize, so you can try to get an idea of what's going on in the invisible war that we
can't see. And that's a little harder to fathom for some, so trying to make an association between
natural world and spiritual world is the goal of what I try to do in my teachings. The reason
that it's so important is because as we all know, we're made in God's image and God is a spirit and so
our actual beings have a spiritual component. Whether we wanted to or not, we have that spiritual
component. So we live in two worlds. We live in the natural world like you were saying, physical,
we can see it, taste it, all of our five senses, but we also live in the spiritual world. And that's
the harder part for people too, I think, understand and comprehend, but it's a part of something that we
had no control over. We were born, had no control over that, born in center, no control over that.
We were born into a war that started back in the Garden of Eden, right, with Adam and Eve and
Satan. That war has been going on and we were born into it and we had no control over it.
And so now we either have to learn how to fight or just continually get beat up. And so that's why
again, I'm so passionate about trying to teach people that there is a war that we do have weapons,
we can fight back. It's just a matter of learning how, just like when I went in the military,
I had to learn my weapons and when to use them, what kind of battle conditions to use what weapon
and the same in the spiritual warfare. We have a lot of weapons like binding and loosening and prayer
fasting, different weapons for different battle situations. And so my purpose is to try to teach
when to use what, basically, like I was taught when I was in the military.
So dads might definitely be able to relate to this one. So there's a term that's called,
the term is called strongholds. And strongholds, if I have to just shoot from the hip of association,
I would associate that with a home defense system. Does this also apply to spiritual warfare?
What would a spiritual stronghold be? And why would you why should dads be aware of them?
Well, I'm glad you said that because I happen to be on the safety team at church. So I'm involved
with weapons and have been all my life in my military career. So, but strongholds in a,
in the in spiritual warfare context is a belief that you hold on to so strong that no matter who comes
at you with a different belief, a belief system that you are not going to relinquish your belief in
that system, no matter how sound or logical it might be and it makes all kinds of sense in its rational
because you feel so strongly about a particular belief that you're just not going to give it up. And so
that's why it's so important when we start building our belief system as children,
there's a thing that I learned a long time ago about values, assumptions, beliefs, and expectations
that builds a child's reality map. So it starts at very young age. It's everything that they hear,
they teach, you know, they see, touch, smell, it all goes into the mind and it starts building a reality
map which also has a belief system. And so from there, a dad really needs to get involved very early
with what's being shown to taught and so forth to a child so that these, I come,
babes values, assumption, beliefs and expectations that they have some control over what is being taught
and shown to their kids because as these things grow over the years, if they're the wrong babes,
it is harder and harder to try to change that child's mind.
So what is the connection between, I think these might also be strong holes as well, but what is the
connection between meditation, yoga, video game characters like Enderman and Minecraft and also
the Ouija board? Why should dads be aware of these? Because these are games or exercises that people
think they're doing for the greater good on releasing relieving stress or video game, maybe it's
keeping your child entertained while you're doing something else, it all is going into the mind
where I said the battlefield is, like in a child's video games, they're drawn into a virtual world,
a virtual reality, right? These things that you can put on your face and get into a 3D virtual world,
they are a direct input into the mind. And if it's like a violent game, then violence is the thing
that's being entered into the mind. And so what a young mind can do is start to get the idea
that violence is okay, right? They can maybe identify with one of the characters in the video,
and we'll get into that maybe in a little bit, it's called, um, transference of spirits where
you try to emulate somebody that you admire. But the mind is where the battlefield is, and
with yoga, weegee boards, these are asking you as part of the game and part of the exercise to
open your mind, release your thoughts, you know, become empty. And when you do that, it's like opening
the gate for anything to come in. And if you're not as aware that evil thoughts and so forth can
enter through that, you're just opening it yourself up to attack. So it really sounds like there is
no such thing as a mind that just remains empty. And I know meditation a lot of times becomes all about
just emptying the mind, keeping the mind empty. But there really is no such thing. What is happening is
you're being asked to remove everything out of your mind so that something else can move in.
It never stays empty, which means, um, and you mentioned our mind is is the battlefield.
We were always meant and designed to live in this physical world and exist in this physical world
constantly with some sort of a spiritual connection that is conscious within our mind. And we get
a choice of what that is. Exactly. Um, to your point, I mean, when you, when you make a void, and
especially in the in the mind and in the spiritual world, when you create a void, then something's
going to fill it. And what you hope to do is fill it with something good and not something bad.
What should dads do if they suspect that their kids have opened a door to Satan or any demonic
influence, like weird things that are going on or, um, strange interactions? What should a dad do if
they think that's happening? That's a great question because it's kind of a two part, right? Because
there's believers and then there's non-believers. But so for the believer that are familiar with
spiritual warfare weapons, the first thing is to bind the strong man like we kind of alluded to before.
Um, saying something like in the name of Jesus, I bind Satan and influencing demons and those
that are misguided by evil spirits and thoughts from my son or daughter. So when you say that,
you're immediately saying in the name of Jesus, which is the power, and then you want to loosen
um, and post the angels around the child, which is filling that void. When you tell Satan to leave,
you've got to fill that void immediately. Otherwise, like in the Bible, it talks about the legions
of demons that came back and we are many. You know, you can cast them out, but if you don't fill up
the void, they can come back with even more. And now the problem is he can gotten worse, right?
So the power of binding and loosening is very important and setting down with your child and talking
to them about, you know, what they're doing and how they can be influenced and maybe trying to
substitute something that they're doing with something else that's actually more beneficial.
It might be a way, I think each dad has to, you know, obviously know his child and how to
pull something out and put something in its place. But I think the idea is that
you want to avoid meeting resistance so you don't yank something away with their saying,
no, give it back to me. You know, you try to replace it with something that's more beneficial.
So another thing that really to watch out for in this is a change of attitude and behavior in
the child and video games and opening up your mind and so forth. Dad's need to understand this and
I'll give you a great example of this. And so there was a youngest son was raised up to be part of
a closely knit family with good communication. He respected the parents rules and attended church
together. Suddenly he does not want to be with the family or attend church. He becomes sullen with
drawn rebellious. He defies your instructions and stays out late. You cannot understand the sudden
change. And then you try to wonder why because you have an older son, you gave them the same love
and they didn't rebel or do anything but yet this one is. So then you look at and say, well,
what's different? So what you might find most of the time is that if you examine the problem with
your son is that you will find that the change came about after someone else came into his life who
he respected it and admired. And this is what I was alluding to about in a video game. They see
a character in the video game and they say, oh, I want to be like that video game guy.
So but you can begin to respect and admire somebody else in your school or wherever it may be and they
begin to associate closely with that person. And then the new friend starts influencing the young
child by telling them what they do and how they think what their parents let them get away with
and so forth. And now the child wants to be more like the new friend and becomes rebellious to
the parent and that is a classic classic classic Satan tactic to attack children and it's called
the transference of spirits. So what I mean about transfer means to convey from one person to the other.
The word spirit is not used like a demon like you think evil spirits and you know that type of
thing. It's actually where spirits used here is a character or an attitude or a motive behind
an action. So that's what these new friends do. They try to sway the child to their way of thinking
which is usually down the wrong road and it's a way that Satan can attack because again the battlefields
in the mind and that's a classic way that Satan attacks young kids and really adults too. We've
been talking about Satan. We've been talking about demons and evil spirits. So let's let's talk about
the other side. Tell me about the Holy Spirit. What is his role in helping dads maintain spiritually
safe homes and how what can dads do to connect with the Holy Spirit? First of all the Holy Spirit is
part of the Trinity. There's the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit. And that the Holy Spirit, when I look
at the three functions of God, there's the Father, I look at Him as the planner. He plans things.
Jesus is the implementer. He puts things into effect and the Holy Spirit is the administrator. He's
making sure everything's getting done. He's making sure tasks get done and so forth. So
the Holy Spirit is the God that lives within you after you become a believer. You have to
have faith in Jesus. Believe they died paid for your sins and that he rose on the third day
and that you become a believer because at that point is when the Holy Spirit can come and live
within you because Jesus actually had to die on the cross and leave as part of God's plan to redeem
us. The Holy Spirit, He sent to be with us, to guide us, to teach us and to make
the words in the Bible mean something to us. He enlightens us with the words and the parables and
the different stories in the Bible because when you read them on the face of you, sometimes
times are confused, but the Holy Spirit over time, it's not like learning from a fire hose
but over time, He teaches you more and more about what God's words are. And for dads,
that's the first thing you have to do is get the Holy Spirit in you by converting and
becoming a believer because that's how you get the Holy Spirit and He is your power. Remember,
Jesus is the authority and the Holy Spirit is the power behind the weapons that you're going to
use not only in your own life but to intercede for your child, for your other family members,
for members of your church or whoever. We have the prayer of intercession which Jesus did a lot
in the Bible. So the Holy Spirit is a real entity. It's part of God. He lives in us and we need to turn
to God and have the Holy Spirit live within us. You mentioned enlightenment. Enlightenment is a
very popular reason behind why a lot of people get caught up in new age ideas and why they seek them
out. They're trying to find some sort of enlightenment. This also becomes a goal behind yoga and so many
other practices like that. But what's fascinating is you need all of these different things in the new
age idea and the new age philosophy to try to find enlightenment. There's all of these different paths.
There's all of these deities to enlightenment versus the Holy Spirit. And if you want enlightenment,
he is the source and there is no end with him. If you're a believer and know how to fight Satan,
then you have the Holy Spirit living in you and then you engage and keep battling Satan. Satan is
going to attack you 24/7. And if you don't know how to fight, then learn how to fight and battle back
because that's what God wants for us. He wants us to have a better life and he's giving us these tools.
We just have to learn how to use them, pick them up and use them. Otherwise, we can be drawn easily
because we do have the sinful nature in us to be drawn to some of these things like
yoga and video games and Ouija boards that seem on the surface. Come on, it's just a game. I can
it's no harm there. But you peel back that onion and you find out that no, it is or harmful and
you just have to be aware of that. And that's the whole idea of behind spiritual warfare and
learning about it. Yoga, for example, really masks and disguises itself as being a health benefit
and a lot of people, I mean, you can it's not hard to find people who report benefits from actually
doing yoga. But behind a lot of the poses, the poses are very, very intentional and they mimic,
they mimic and they're patterned after deities. And if you really delve into those deities,
the deities that you see and there's paintings of them, there's drawings of them everywhere and
there's actually even statues that have been created and carved the images of these deities and
these poses, which is where the poses come from. These deities actually have a source. The deities
are actually patterned after demons. After the image of actual demons, this is what's behind yoga.
And so you were just innocently in it for exercise and yeah, it can seem, it can seem very, very innocent.
But you can get the exact same benefit from that you get from yoga, you can actually get the
exact same benefit by doing exercise other ways, other ways that people have been doing for centuries.
I want to talk about spirit guides. Spirit guides are also fundamental to new age belief systems
and spiritual, spiritualism. Spirit guides, what they really are are demons.
You're communicating with spirit guides, you need to stop immediately what you're doing because
you are definitely absolutely communicating with demons. That's what you're doing. I'm just being
very blunt about it. So if that's what you're doing, you need to stop. You only need one spirit guide.
There's one true spirit guide and he's the Holy Spirit. He is all you need.
And so coming back to you, Dad, some talking to you, Dads, if you struggle with your role,
if you struggle with energy, if you're struggling with focus as a dad, if you're struggling
with work, life, balance, if you're struggling with how to parent your kids, if you have a teenager,
that you're struggling to connect with, if you're struggling with finances, any of these things,
it doesn't matter what it is, anxiety, talk, pray, talk to the Holy Spirit, talk to God, the Holy
Spirit is all you need. He is the ultimate spirit guide. He is the only, only spirit guide that you
will ever need. And he wants to be involved in every single aspect of your life. So let him in,
whatever you're struggling with, talk to him. And here's the cool thing. We just got through talking
about this actually before, before we did this episode. One of the cool things is if you don't know
what to say, if you're trying to pray, you're trying to talk to God or you're trying to say something
to the Holy Spirit and you don't really know what to do or what to say, there is a promise
that he is actually able to interpret what you were trying to say, what you want to say in your
mind, but you can't find the words for. He is so powerful that he can take those thoughts
and he can bring those thoughts all the way up to the Father and communicate them accurately
when you can't find the words. Dr. Kregler, how can dads get a hold of you with questions?
Listen to your podcast or find out what you're doing. Well, I just started my podcast about a month
and a half ago. So I'm on YouTube so you can search my name, Roger Crickler, K-R-I-C-K-L-E-R. I'm on
Spotify. Now these are videos because I do a video podcast on Spotify. It's Roger Crickler. And then
on my website on Buzzsprouts at Spirits, Weapons and Warfare, which is the name of my website.
And then I just recently started a Facebook page, Spirits, Weapons and Warfare. And on the Facebook page,
you can actually comment and write things and then we can direct message off of that if you want.
So those are some ways that you can reach out to me.
And just to make it easier if you go to thefatherheadchallenge.com, that's thefatherheadchallenge.com.
If you go to this episode, look right below the episode description. I'll have all of the links that Dr.
Crickler just mentioned. I'll have the links posted right below the description there for your convenience.
Dr. Crickler, before we go, we would like to say a prayer for both believers and non-believers who
are just looking for spiritual help and looking for guidance. They may be trapped. They may be looking for
answers, both for themselves, for their family, for their kids. And so I was wondering if you would
do the honors of closing us out with a prayer. Oh, thank you, Jonathan. I'd love to. So for the
believer, I pray that your warning efforts are successful, that you fight like your life depended
on it because it does know that the Holy Spirit lives in you and with him all things are possible.
You are a victor, not a victim in Jesus name. I pray, amen. And for my non-believers who are still made
in God's image for my lost brothers and sisters still trying to fill that void in your life with the
things of this world, which you'll never be satisfied. I pray you will turn towards the Lord.
What I can say is that this life is temporary so the things you strive for and desire now
are going to go away. You cannot want them bad enough to have them last forever. By the decisions
you make while you're on this side of death, you cannot, you can control where you will live forever.
It is my prayer that you will find the Lord and give your life and allegiance to Him.
You will never regret it. If you're ready now, you can repeat after me. You can whisper it or
shout it out, but it is as easy as ABC. First, admit you are a sinner. I am sorry for my sins and
turn away from sinning. Be believe that Jesus is God, Son, God, Son, and that He was sent here
to pay for your penalty for sin. See? Confess that by faith that Jesus Christ is my Savior and Lord.
So my primary purpose for you is not that you will be saved, although God's will is that no one should
perish. That's in 2nd Peter 3 9. Nor that your sins are forgiven because Jesus paid the price
on the cross. Rather, I pray for you, my lost brothers and sisters, that you should be free
from the demonic influences in your life so you can be saved. In Jesus name, I pray. Amen.
Dr. Krueger, thank you so much for that prayer and it's been an absolute honor to have you on
the Fatherhood Challenge. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much.
Thank you for listening to this episode of the Fatherhood Challenge. If you would like to contact us,
listen to other episodes, find any resource mentioned in this program or find out more information
about the Fatherhood Challenge. Please visit thefatherhoodchallenge.com. That's thefatherhoodchallenge.com.
Bye bye.
Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/thefatherhoodchallengepodcast/donations30m - Feb 16, 2024 - Warrior Fathers Confronting Spiritual Warfare
There is a dark hidden global war that is being waged on families everywhere and it’s claiming lives every day. And dads are the gatekeepers and guards responsible for keeping their family safe. My guest talks about what this war is and how you can be aware and prepared.
Jared Haley is a pastor, and public speaker who believes God created the design for strong faith and healthy families. Serving in professional ministry for over 20 years with his Master’s Degree in Transformational Leadership and Spiritual Formation, Jared is passionate about investing in people, and helping them understand how God wired and designed them to live strong.
To connect with Jared Haley visit:
Web/Podcast: https://www.strongbydesignpodcast.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/strongbydesignpodcast/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@strongbydesignpodcast4492
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/strongbydesignpodcast
Special thanks to Zencastr for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. Use my special link https://zen.ai/CWHIjopqUnnp9xKhbWqscGp-61ATMClwZ1R8J5rm824WHQIJesasjKDm-vGxYtYJ to save 30% off your first month of any Zencastr paid plan.
Transcript: Warrior Fathers Confronting Spiritual Warfare
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There's a dark hidden global war that is being waged on families everywhere and it's
claiming lives every day.
And dads are the gatekeepers and the guards responsible for keeping their family safe.
My guest is going to talk about what this war is and how you can be aware and prepared
in just a moment so don't go anywhere.
Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge, a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere to
take great pride in their role and a challenge society to understand how important fathers
are to the stability and culture of their families environment.
Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.
Greetings everyone.
Thank you so much for joining me.
My guest is Jared Haley.
Jared is a pastor and a public speaker serving in professional ministry for over 20 years
with his master's degree in transformational leadership and spiritual formation.
Jared is passionate about investing in people and helping them understand how God wired and
designed them to live strong.
Jared, thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge.
Well, man, thank you so much for having me.
I'm very excited to be here and to just get to talk about this really, really important
topic with you.
Jared, I got to ask, what is your favorite dad joke?
Oh, man, that's a good one.
My son's already starting to yell at me when I pull these out because they come so naturally
you know?
But a really good one.
This just went off the top of my head is can I let me just tell you quickly a pizza joke.
Have you heard the pizza joke?
No, I haven't.
Never mind.
It's too cheesy.
That one definitely deserves a rem shot.
Jared, what is your story behind why you got into ministry and working with families?
Well, my original call to ministry was when I was in middle school.
There was I was at a camp up in Woodland Park, Colorado called Quaker Ridge and I remember
I can't tell you who the speaker was.
But we're having a night of, you know, what you do at camp, we're having a worship service
and there's something going along with with the worship music and just the spirit was
moving that that night.
And there was a minister, a minister, a missionary who was speaking and I like I said I don't
know who he was or where he was from, but I remember specifically God speaking to me saying
asking me to take my shoes off.
You know, take your shoes off for the place you're standing as holy ground which all the time
in scripture.
But and I remember thinking that's weird.
Like why would God ask me to do that?
I'm looking around no one else is doing it, but I said, okay, God, I will do it because
you're asking me to.
And it was through like that little act of obedience that then God spoke and said, I have a call
on your life and you are going to be doing ministry as well.
I didn't know what that meant or what that looked like at that moment, but I learned very
quickly where I wanted to go to school and that God wanted me to do ministry my whole life.
As far as getting into families, man, this is something that is really as our own family
has developed.
My wife and I just celebrated 15 years of marriage and we have four graduations.
Yeah, thank you so much.
It's it's a it's a big feat apparently in these days.
We always feel like, you know, we have our ups and her downs and our struggles and you know,
we had our load times for sure, but God has it has been faithful to us through it all.
And we're just getting to a place now that as we are cultivating a relationship with
Jesus within our own family and we look around and we see the world that we're living in.
We see this, this gap.
We see this something missing in families and I don't have all of the answers and I don't
pretend to have all of the answers, but that's that's what's so important to us is we want
to help people live what we like to call a spirit filled life, which means that we actually
have a relationship with Jesus through the Holy Spirit and the Holy Spirit has been sent
to the earth to teach us to comfort us, to guide us, all of the things that we want in
our connection with God.
That's what the Holy Spirit does.
And we don't want that just as parents, but we want to include our children in that because
the whole idea is that we're raising our kids up, not just to do what we say, but to have
a relationship with Jesus themselves.
Now let's talk about this global war that we talked about in the intro.
What is spiritual warfare and how are families becoming ground zero?
Also what personal evidence do you have you seen of this?
There's an attack on the conservative family, right?
Or maybe not even conservative.
I'd say the traditional family, right?
Where we see this everywhere, even in its funny like in Disney, if you go and watch Disney
shows, you'll see that a lot of times it's a single parent where either mom or dad is
gone.
It's very unique anymore to see a mom and a dad and kids on a show.
And so it's something that that's the podcast that I represent and I'm part of is called
Strong by Design.
And Strong by Design is we've been created in God's image to have a strong mind, body, and
spirit.
The reality is is that because of sin and consequence, we become weak in all of those areas
of our lives.
And when we turn away from God's original design, which is, you know, we would define that
as sin.
When we turn away from God's design, we have to reap the consequences of that.
And so the only way to get back to living the right way is to get rid of that life, to
surrender our life to Jesus and to come back to that original design.
And when we look at how the structure of the family that was set up in scripture, we
see that God actually designed it to work a certain way.
And so obviously that's what the enemy wants to tear down and rip apart is this idea of
God's design.
Like that's what he's all about regardless.
The enemy has two goals.
The first goal is to keep you from knowing Jesus.
And if you know Jesus, his next goal is to keep you from being faithful to being part of
kingdom building, of building God's kingdom here on earth.
And so if you can rip a family apart, man, how much trauma does that cause for the rest
of your life?
That's pretty scary.
It's very scary.
And you see the statistics all over the place of, you know, if dad's not involved or if
mom's not involved or and there are obviously circumstances that you can avoid, right?
If someone passes unfortunately or if one of the parents are abusive, you need to get
out of those things.
However, it all boils down to this idea of destroying what we know as the traditional
family.
And I believe that God is calling us as believers to come back to those truths, to come
back to that design of what it means to be a family that follows after God.
How are fathers being caught or in some cases they are prime targets for the spiritual war?
Against popular belief in this day, men and women are different.
I don't know if you're aware of that or not, Jonathan, but God actually designed men
and women differently.
And the problem is is in our culture, it's been set up for us to think that that means
that one is better than the other.
And that's not at all.
Like one is not better than the other.
We're just different because God wired it that way.
God designed it that way.
And so the reason that dads in particular are being targeted is because God designed the
man to be the head of the household.
Now that doesn't mean that the man is designed to be authoritative and domineering and all
of those things that are unhealthy, but it does mean that God has designed for the husband
to be the head of the house just as Christ is the head of the church.
That's what Paul would say or did say in Scripture.
And so if the enemy through spiritual warfare, if he can rip apart a man, if he can degrade
him or if he can tempt him into sexual sin or if he can convince him that he's no good and
he should lose anything that he can do to deter the man from being to stepping in and
fulfilling that role in the home, he's going to do it.
And you alluded to spiritual warfare and spiritual warfare is basically everything that's going
on in the spiritual realm that we can't see, right?
We're almost in like a sub-reality of the true reality and we don't even know it.
And it's because there's so much that is going on outside of the physical world that we
don't, we can't see it unless God gives us a vision to see it.
And so recognizing that it's there and recognizing that the enemy is at work diligently trying
to destroy you and destroy your family calls us to action as men and really as women
as well, married couples and families to combat that in a way that is going to be effective.
One of the things I've observed and maybe it's just my own and maybe you see it differently,
but it seems like when I do a comparison between the two, between the attacks on women and
attacks on men in the home, women seem to be attacked very differently than men do.
So a majority of the women when Satan really decides he's going to attack, I would say a
majority of women are influenced and pulled away by new age influences and new age belief
systems.
And men are pulled away and attacked by a pornography.
But the result is the same and Satan is very efficient.
He doesn't have to necessarily go to individuals.
All he has to do is knock off the dad.
He can hit the dad hard enough. He has done with one job.
He has potentially damaged many generations.
Just hit the father.
Damage him so bad that becomes an absent parent, uninvolved, emotionally disconnected, whatever.
And he is messed up women and he's messed up men.
Yes.
It's funny because the two play on each other, right?
So men want respect and they want to be desired.
And women want to be beautiful and they want to be loved.
And so if the men aren't receiving that, that respect or that desire, then they start
to look for it somewhere else.
If the woman doesn't feel beautiful and adored, she starts to look for it somewhere else.
And it's like these two things that Satan sees that if he can mess with either one of them,
it really messes both of them up.
And it's just crazy how they play off of each other.
I see it all the time as well.
What are some of the sneaky and seemingly innocent ways that children are opening the doors
to the dark, spiritual or demonic forces and realms in their homes?
What are some examples that you've seen of this?
Man, they're all over the place.
I think technology is huge and allowing, I can't believe it always surprises me when I see
like a five or six year old walking around with a phone.
Like do you know how much corruption they can fall into just by having a device that's connected
to the internet?
Like it baffles my mind.
But that's a whole other, I mean, we could have a whole conversation on technology and
digital media and how to handle that as as a family unit.
But what we've been doing, it's really crazy that you bring this up because God's actually
been doing a huge thing just in our own family.
It's almost like a purging of our home.
I've been really big in harping on, we want our home to be a sanctuary, we want our home
to be a place that's holy and set apart, which means that it's a place that's safe from
the culture.
It means it's a place that is safe from the influences of anything outside of God's truth
and holiness.
And what that means is we have to be diligent in asking God what can stay and what can go.
We haven't told our kids what toys they can keep or what they need to get rid of.
But as we've engaged them in that conversation, our 12 year old son just through praying and
listening to God on his own came to his own conclusion that Pokemon wasn't something
that God wanted him to keep.
And so I'm not saying you should or you shouldn't get rid of Pokemon in your home, but I am
saying that the enemy will use anything he can to attach himself to your children.
And so if there are things that are going to be influencing them outside of following
Jesus, especially as their brains are developing and their thoughts are developing and their
behaviors are developing and their belief systems are morality are developing.
We want to be as parents and as fathers, diligent and paying attention to those things in the
way that they're influencing our kids.
So it's just in the recent, this last Halloween was the first Halloween that we didn't celebrate
as a family.
We've always dressed up.
We've always gone out and done the trick or treating thing.
And we've always spun it as we want to be a light in the darkness, which we do.
We want to be a light in the darkness.
We don't want to just abandon the world and go inside our homes and for the sake of protecting
ourselves.
That's not what we're trying to do.
What we're trying to do is say, God, how do I be a light in the darkness without allowing
the darkness to influence my home?
How can my home be set apart?
And so we didn't do Halloween this year, but instead we made cookies and we delivered them
to our neighbors.
And so we showed up to their house and they expected to give our kids candy.
And instead we were giving them something and saying, hey, we just want you to know that
we care about you and we wanted to bless you and return.
Thank you for loving our neighborhood.
You know, so it's finding these other ways that God can use you in these dark times and
order to bring light into that darkness.
And these things are difficult because there's nowhere in scripture that says, should your
child read Harry Potter?
You know, there's nothing in scripture that says, should your kids watch cartoons with
unicorns in them?
You know, and so we really have to be intentional to go to God and say and have a good enough
relationship with Jesus that we can actually ask him these questions and learn how to hear
his voice, learn how to hear the spirit speak to us so that we can take these things that
aren't so black and white and he can shed light on those things for us.
Yeah, I can think of one example.
There's one of the most popular video games that's been out there is Minecraft.
It seems like all the kids are into Minecraft.
And Minecraft seems very, very, very innocent.
I mean, it's a world and you can plant trees and you have these animals everywhere that
you can care for.
You have chickens and everything.
It's very much like in a lot of ways like our real world, you can build a cabin and just
kind of walk around and live and exist on this world.
Not for the fact that there's all these other characters that are in the game and these
are characters that God did not create such as zombies.
Right.
And there's another character that's in there and the characters call Enderman.
Right.
And what does Enderman sound like?
It sounds a lot like Slenderman.
And Slenderman, if you're not familiar with that, hopefully not too familiar with that,
Slenderman is a demonic character.
It is a being from demonic influence.
So Slenderman is a very evil demonic thing.
And so if you do the research and this is for you dads, like do the research on what your
kids are doing.
Don't just sit around and just be passive about it.
Get proactive.
What are they doing?
What are they involved with?
Do the research?
Because if you do the research on Enderman on that character, you will find that you
will find it is influenced by Slenderman.
And are these really the values that you want your kids doing?
So that conversation, I had that conversation with my own kids.
Yeah.
And they figured it is.
I mean, I feel and and that again, that's why I mean, we have these conversations and we
want to bring our, I mean, for us as our family, we want to bring our kids into that conversation
so that they understand that we're not just randomly taking things away from them, but
we're helping them understand why.
You know, we're helping them understand what's influencing us is important, right?
A glass can only spill what it contains.
So what am I putting inside my glass that's going to then be poured out of me?
I can, I don't want to be putting in evil stuff.
You know, I'm going to be putting in more, more good stuff.
And so you almost have to go through a morning process sometimes with some of these things
because until it's revealed to you that it's not okay, you almost fall in love with
these things, you know, but then when, when God asks you to give them up, there's just, there's
a period of morning and there's a period of loss saying, okay, that thing is gone, but the
turnaround is, look at what is so much better in my life with Jesus and what he has to offer.
My experience is that when God takes something away from you or takes it out of your life,
he always replaces it with something better.
He never just leaves a hole.
The other reality of why we're careful about, you know, the games that we play, the things
that we get involved with and such is that these things are potential gateways.
These are opening doors into the demonic spiritual realm and it is allowing opening doors, allowing
them access.
It's like signing a consent form that gives them permission to waltz into your world and
waltz into your into your life into all kinds of things.
It is not hard to find stories of people who have been caught in that and, you know, they've
had everything from they've seen apparitions.
They, you know, the whole scene of ghosts, things being messed with in their home, all this really
freaky stuff that's the things of your nightmares.
It all started innocently whether it was games or whether it was somebody else that they
were praying to that wasn't God or movies that they were watching music that they were
listening to it all started innocently and that's how Satan gets you.
These are the things that God is trying to protect you from.
Yeah.
And it's across the board, right?
I mean, it's things that you play with as far as your toys and things.
It's things that you're reading.
It's music that you're listening to.
I mean, there's so many different avenues that we need to be paying attention to and really
praying through is this glorifying God or is it not?
And that's kind of that's kind of the basis, you know, is this bringing glory to God?
Is this helping build his kingdom or is it not?
And that's that's kind of a tool that we use to measure a lot of times.
Is this worth it or is it not?
The other thing is, you know, when it comes to to what you occupy your mind with the Holy
Spirit is unimaginably huge.
And so why wouldn't you want to wake up every morning and invite him in every single day
to fill up your mind?
He will occupy every crevice.
He will give you the discernment when you're doing something that isn't good for you.
And if you learn to listen to him, he will walk you through those changes.
Yeah.
And it's something too that I like to tell people, my relationship with Jesus and the Holy
Spirit, it's not just him teaching me things that he doesn't want me to do anymore.
Like the real relationship with the Holy Spirit is him speaking into your life and bringing
you on an adventure of things he's actually asking you to do.
And that's when it gets a little bit more fun and a little bit more exciting because all
of a sudden he's telling you to speak to somebody or say something to somebody or pray for
somebody or whatever it might be.
And you're thinking, is that me?
Are you really asking me to do this?
That sounds crazy.
And you hear stories all the time of people being faithful to this weird thing.
I just saw a video yesterday about a pastor who someone showed up at his house in the Holy
Spirit told him to give him a blank check and then how God used that to like transform
his ministry.
I mean, it's just weird stuff like that.
My good story for me personally was before we had kids, my wife and I were working and
doing a young adult service.
And it was when I can't remember the year, but there's a big tsunami that hit somewhere
in Asia.
And my wife felt led to stand up and say, hey, we should collect money and send it over
to them for relief.
And so I'm like, yeah, it's a great idea.
And so we could do all this collection.
Well, we only had like $60 left in our bank account.
And we had about another week before we were going to get paid.
And Kristiana felt the spirit, speak to her and say, you need to give all of your money
to this fund.
And I remember afterwards she told me and I was, I was, I was like, what, you got to be kidding
me.
Like, we have no money.
You literally gave away all of our money.
We have no money to live on for the rest of the rest of the, like, what are we supposed
to do for the rest of this week?
We ended up, the other part of the story is that we were closing on our house the
next day as well.
And so then you have all of the added stresses of man, how much money do we actually have
to bring to closing and all of these different things?
Well we ended up going to the closing of our home and the people come in and they sit
down and we're getting ready to start signing papers and they say, hey, before we start,
we just need to disclose something to you and we're like, oh, great.
Now what?
And they said, in the middle of your loan process, we actually changed the type of loan
that we were giving you.
And we are required to disclose it within three days or get penalized and we're like, okay,
so how much more money do we owe you?
And they're like, no, no, no, no.
We're penalized and because we're penalized, we now owe you an extra $8,000 the government
is like, oh my goodness.
We literally, God just said, hey, thank you for being faithful.
Here's money, which ended up money that we got, we went, we didn't know the things that
you need when you buy a new home.
And so, we had to buy curtains and all of these different things that that money didn't
last as long as we thought it would.
But it's like God asked us to do crazy things that you would never do on your own and then
you faithfully do it and it's like, this is what it's about.
This is what, this is why having a relationship with God is so full of fun and joy and adventure.
God is very, very, very busy and if you are connected with Him and following Him and
listening to Him and obeying Him, you will be too.
And it will be an adventure and believe me, you will have fun.
It is, it is a lot of fun.
It is a lot of fun.
So I want to get into the next topic, which is how spiritual warfare is impacting marriages
and what can dads do to protect their marriages from attack?
Absolutely.
I did want to touch too, just with technology and kids and you talked about pornography
being an issue.
That's another reason to be aware of what your kids are doing online.
The average kid gets exposed to pornography now.
I think it's like age seven, which is just stupid young.
And so the same is true with dads, right?
Dads can be easily tempted.
So be smart with what you're doing with technology.
Make sure to be smart with the boundaries that you're putting in place with co-workers and
other people and other friends.
Make sure you're being smart with where you're spending your time.
I always encourage it, courage dads to be diligent and praying for your family, be diligent
and praying for your, for your wife.
My wife and I love to go into our kids rooms after they fall asleep and just take time praying
over them.
And I praying again, that's something else that we don't always know what to pray, but
guess what?
You can ask the Holy Spirit, Lord, give me words to pray.
What does my son need prayer for?
How can I, like, I don't know the ins and outs of what's going on inside his mind and heart
and spirit?
And so God, tell me the things that I need to pray for him.
And the spirit is so good at just feeding me information and feeding my wife information.
And so I think that I am where I am today, specifically because my grandparents were so
diligent in praying for me.
And so there's a lot of power that comes from praying consistently for your family.
So I think it's an easy thing for us to do as dads and vital to the success, spiritual success
and all success of our families.
Jared, how can dads get a hold of you to get help or to ask questions or learn more about
what you're doing?
Also you have a podcast, how can dads find it?
Sure.
So the podcast that I'm a part of is called Strong By Design.
You can go to Strong By Design podcast.com is the website.
We have a YouTube channel where we put everything up or anywhere podcasts are found.
You can find it just search Strong By Design podcast that will pop right up on Google for
you.
We, it's an interesting podcast because we have different hosts.
I cover all of the faith and family topics, but then we believe that you know, you're
made mind body spirit.
So we have stuff on leadership that we have another host that is covering that stuff.
We have a host that's helping with nutrition and holistic health.
And we have another coach that's helping with physical fitness.
So it's kind of a wide variety of things on that podcast, but being strong and all of
those areas are important.
So go check that out.
My social media stuff, you can just look up Jared's Aria.
It's J-R-E-D-S-A-R-I-A.
I'm on Instagram.
I think I'm tick tock.
I'm Jared's Aria 84.
And Facebook as well.
You can you can search me up on Facebook.
But any of those areas, if you just, you know, send me a DM, I'm happy to connect with anybody
that wants to connect.
Just to make it easy to if you go to the fatherhoodchallenge.com, that's the fatherhoodchallenge.com.
If you go to this episode, look right below the episode description.
I'll have all those links posted there so you can connect with Jared and find him easily
that way.
Jared, as we close, what is your challenge to dad's listening now?
Please don't coast.
Be intentional with your time.
Be intentional with what God is asking you to do and lead your home.
Leading your home doesn't mean that you have to do everything.
That just means that you are shepherding and guiding and leading your family in the direction
that it needs to go in order to follow what God has for you.
So please be intentional.
Jared, it's been an honor having this conversation with you and you've taught us a lot.
Thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge.
Absolutely.
Thank you.
Thank you for listening to this episode of the Fatherhood Challenge.
If you would like to contact us, listen to other episodes, find any resource mentioned
in this program or find out more information about the Fatherhood Challenge.
Please visit thefatherhoodchallenge.com.
That's thefatherhoodchallenge.com.
[ Silence ]
Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/thefatherhoodchallengepodcast/donations29m - Feb 5, 2024 - How Single Dads Build a Thriving Business
Are you a single dad with dreams and aspirations of owning your own business and being your own boss? Do the demands on your time as a single dad require control of your schedule and workload? My guest is here with me to talk about how single dads like you can gain control over your time and your dreams and succeed.
Deevo Tindall is the founder and CEO of Fusion Creative, a branding and marketing agency. His expertise and experience have not only made him the authority on how to grow a successful business but also how to do so as a single dad.
You Can connect with Deevo here:
Website: https://fusioncreativebranding.com
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/fusionphotog/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fusioncreativebranding/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thefusioncreative/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@unlearneverythingdeevo
Special thanks to Zencastr for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. Use my special link https://zen.ai/CWHIjopqUnnp9xKhbWqscGp-61ATMClwZ1R8J5rm824WHQIJesasjKDm-vGxYtYJ to save 30% off your first month of any Zencastr paid plan.
Transcription - How Single Dads Build a Thriving Business
---
Are you a single dad with dreams and aspirations of owning your own business or being your own boss?
Do the demands and the stress on your time as a single dad require control of your schedule and your workload?
My guest is here with me to talk about how single dads like you can get control of your time and your dreams and succeed.
So don't go anywhere.
Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge, a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere,
to take great pride in their role and a challenge society to understand how important fathers are to the stability and culture of their family's environment.
Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.
Greetings everyone. Thank you so much for joining me. My guest is Devo Tendol.
Devo is the founder and CEO of Fusion Creative, a branding and marketing agency.
Devo is expertise and experience have not only made him the authority on how to grow a successful business but also how to do it as a single dad.
And this is why I have brought him on the Fatherhood Challenge. Devo, welcome to the program.
Hey my man, thanks for having me. Good to be here.
Okay, I got to ask, what is your favorite dad joke?
What do you call a cat with eight legs?
Cat with eight legs.
Definitely haven't heard this one.
Octopus.
That was great.
I've never been asked that question before so thank you.
Well Devo, what is your own story of what led you to become an entrepreneur and start Fusion Creative?
I think really it's some similarities with a lot of entrepreneurs.
I was driven by a blend of necessity and passion.
I worked a very successful job. I learned a boatload of information and met some amazing people and got the opportunity to rub shoulders with some pretty amazing and intelligent and motivated people that were also equally successful.
But I wasn't really utilizing any of my passions that I felt drawn to do and I certainly wasn't utilizing my creativity.
And because I'm a creative at heart, I interestingly have sort of a nice blend of pragmatism and left and right brain sort of synergies.
And I really wanted to build something, I've always been passionate about building things.
And I got exposed to that in the corporate world for many years working in the areas that I was blessed to work in.
I got to build projects but I didn't have any ownership of them.
And I really was looking for something where I could express my creativity but also provide practical solutions and sort of be the owner of all that.
And so Fusion was born from that desire to merge innovative design with really with strategic marketing.
I know that there are so many dads out there listening who are experiencing some form of burnout where it almost hurts to get out of the bed just to get into work.
And it feels like it drains their soul.
And I'd be willing to bet that besides probably the schedule thing and all of that.
The lack of ownership in their creative energy is probably a big factor in why they might feel that drain and burnout because this is how we were made.
We were made to create things.
We were definitely not designed to sit in cubicles for eight hours a day doing redundancy tasks and working for other people in a capacity where we're just sort of taking orders and knee jerk responding.
And that and entrepreneurship is not for everybody.
There are people who sort of thrive in those sorts of conditions and I'm not making any judgments on any of that.
But for certain people, I'm one of those people.
And it wasn't designed to sort of sit. And there's an argument to be made like you just said, Jonathan, that humans themselves were not designed to be sitting in a cubicle or in an office, you know, just judging over these sorts of minutia and redundancy.
And for me, that was sort of an observation that I made early on that, you know, I could do this for 50 years for rest of my life, make a lot of money, have a lot of things, have a nice big house, all those things.
But I just realized, do my own sort of introspective way that I just this is not this wasn't my calling. And so I set out to find a way to step out of that space.
What do you think are some of the reasons that single dads with aspirations of entrepreneurship won't go after their dreams?
I don't think first and foremost that we are taught to go after our dreams.
I think critical thinking and self-awareness and doing something for ourselves is is frowned upon.
It's viewed as vain, it's viewed as selfish, it's viewed as narcissistic.
And the collective, the collective educations that we receive from from a very early age, you know, three, four, five years old, we're stuck in the classroom.
And then we're stuck in another classroom and then we're stuck in another classroom, a cult, a cubicle or an office. And we're not trained to step outside of that space.
We're educated to become automatons in a lot of capacity. And so we just don't really have the self-awareness to think outside of that space.
And then when we do think outside of that space, there's a lot of fear associated with it. There's a lot of trauma associated with that, especially if you just came out of a divorce, you just went through a divorce, you're going through a divorce or you're a single father.
Man, I can tell you my entire life changed and anyone who listens to this is a single parent, not just fathers, but you, your paradigm changes really fast.
And you really are forced to either figure it out or pass it off like a lot of people do.
And so I think concerns about financial security and time management and resources and really understanding that balance between being a present parent and a business owner.
It can be really daunting for a lot of people and I don't think it's insurmountable. Obviously I'm doing it and thousands of others are as well.
But I think early on when you sort of think about, what do I want to do with my life? There's so much bigger.
And when you start to actually materialize those ideas, you get stopped up against this stop gap because you're like, "Shoo, man, I don't know how that's going to be possible.
I suddenly have kids. I have to be the mother and the father for. I got to cook for them. I got to drive them around."
Like all these different things and it's like, "I just want to stay in something really comfortable right now."
You touched on it in the very, very beginning. I thought that was really cool. You brought that up. And that is the education system.
Our education system is decades old as far as the model that we're using today.
And the model that we're using today is based on a thought process of producing obedient factory workers.
And so we still have that mindset within our own education system. I mean, we're trying to break it, but we're really having a hard time.
And sometimes I wonder if there's an epigenetic component into the way we approach education that is making it so difficult for us to break free, not only from the education model that we've been using,
but also within ourselves to become entrepreneurs when we were brought up completely the opposite way. And that's what makes it such a challenge to break.
Wow, brilliant point, epigenetics. How many of your listeners know what epigenetics is? So that's fantastic reference.
It partially is a collective consciousness of epigenetics and sort of DNA remoluculizing in a capacity.
But I think more than that, there is a fixed and concentrated effort from the powers that be, that maintain and control the education system and are teaching the teachers that are teaching our kids to maintain that sense of control and manipulation so that the type of output that we're getting are people who don't know how to critically think are people who don't know how to function on their own who are not independent and autonomous in the sense of the system.
There are slaves to the system, if you will, and that system is rewarded or I'm sorry, that system rewards the people who not only educate those people, but then the people who are part of the systems themselves are rewarded sort of that.
It's sort of like bread and circuses. There's a, you know, you know, you like the Roman civilization, I'm going way outside of where I think we should be going, but the Roman civilization is no dissimilar to what we did.
You know, they knew that in times of crisis, the best thing to do was to feed the masses and give them alcohol and give them entertainment and set up all these different massive arenas all over the world.
And if you look at our society today, that's exactly what's happening in sports or in everything else, you know, you have these massive events that are scheduled to entertain the masses and we keep them drunk and we keep them high and we keep them stone.
We don't ever encourage them to step outside that space of self awareness and introspection and mindfulness and then sort of become independent thinkers from the system itself.
So yeah, 100% man, you were spot on epigenetics as part of that because it just becomes part of our DNA and then we pass it on to the next generation and the next generation and the next generation.
But you always have to go behind the wizard of the curtain who's behind the curtain controlling that epigenetic manipulation and there are people and powers that in my opinion are have designed this system purposefully in order to do exactly what you just said.
Yeah, there's a culture component of it, which there was a time where you were considered a man.
If you were able to hold down a job for your life at the same company long enough to be able to retire from that same company and collect a pension that was considered the definition of or part of the definition of being a man and providing for your family.
But what nobody talks about from that generation is at some point those same men were serving another man somewhere who was at the very top who did something very different and became an entrepreneur and that's who they're working for and collecting the pension from no one talks about that and then the day no one talks about the entrepreneurs back then they just sort of did it.
And so entrepreneurship, I think still becomes this mysterious thing that people now are are maybe they want to do that there's an interest there, but it just feels far out of reach.
So for that single dad that's ready to take those first steps into a business ownership.
What exactly should their first steps look like?
Man you can't lead with that sort of breakdown that you just did that was spot on and I'll expect me to extrapolate on the pitch but I would love to dive into that and unpack that of it because there's a lot of pieces that were really powerful and what you said so the pedigree was groomed for exactly what you said.
But it was an interesting paradigm in my opinion because if you take a look at some of the morals and the ethics and the values of those very people you just described you know 1920s and post war.
They were all based upon sort of the old school of thinking if you will which was morals and conscious and clear and consciousness around working hard and raising a family and being a good man.
And those sort of things were brought into this new paradigm because they realize that what what was happening there is is that mode of thinking was contradictory to what they wanted to train people right and so it took a little bit of time but now fast forward to where we are today and and all of that sort of independent thinking and morals and good conscious and strong values and all the things that made America and society strong have been slowly white washed out and replaced with the world.
And this new culture is easier to control because of that they're easier to train because of that because they don't they don't have independent thinking they don't have critical thought they don't have a strong backbone they don't have values they don't see the idea of what what that there is a necessity for a true testosterone based man who thinks acts and works in in a in a community but also simultaneously independent free thinker and so all that has been sort of purged out of society.
So that being said if you want to change that paradigm you have to reverse the remote of thinking in the way you operate and understand that you do have the power to develop and build your own life you don't have to be dependent upon someone else paying you what's more important is finding a community of people that can support you that think in that same capacity and so if you in that answer your question.
The first steps towards towards business ownership is really clearly taking the time to have that sort of mindfulness about yourself and understand what it is that you ultimately want to do with your life what's your legacy you want to leave what's the value you wish to bring to the universe what problems can you solve and do some research around yourself and do some research on the economies that you want to play in or the sandboxes that you want to play in understand your strengths understand your passions and how do they align with market needs where can you step in with whatever it is you love doing.
And our passion about doing and most importantly you can add value and solve a problem for somebody based upon what the market needs and then create some sort of a I don't like the word business plan because it's not really a business plan is really more of a life plan create a plan around that and start finding people to help you support that plan join mastermind groups find people in your community find people in your church like you have access to eight and a half billion people on the planet build a personal brand around use your soul.
And then you can use your social media for that instead of browsing porn or browsing internet or doing whatever nonsense that you can do on the internet use it for a purposeful and mindful strategy so that you can connect with people that are very like minded and can support you in that space and then start building and just do start by starting don't just expect it to happen overnight it takes time it's a process it takes tweaking and modifying and adjusting and and continuing and rinse and repeat and rinse and repeat and then at some point if you're if you just follow your own sort of heart and
follow your strategy and you have good support around it then you can build something it's it's possible I mean I'm doing it now what makes entrepreneurship so exciting is the fact that there is no one in your way so the service doesn't go away you still get to serve someone and it's the customer and there's no one between you in that customer you can do it your way but every other skill has to be there the showing up when you're supposed to show up being prepared having
everything ready to go doing quality work all those skills don't go away the only thing that you can put in is your own creativity of how that's going to get done and you can increase the quality to whatever whatever level that you think that quality needs to be at and that's up to you there's no one deciding that and in the end whether you get to keep that job which we call a customer the customer decides that
so I love those components of entrepreneurship there's no one deciding that middle part yeah you you're absolutely right I'd like to add a little bit to that while you don't have anyone that ultimately is responsible for this you are the creator and the implementer and the amplifier and you are the vessel that's going to build your business
but it's often really important to find people that can support that that mission support those values because one of the things that happens is you sort of get in your own way and I found that out really on because it's your own business
you think you know everything you think you have all the systems in place you think you have the you know the objective and the missions and all and how to build this but often is the case is that the scalability of that is limited by your own capacity in your own resources
so it's really important to find people that can support that whether they're working for you or contractors and and stay in your lane and focus on the things that you're really good at and find other people to support the minutiae the things that you don't really have value in and then you have sort of a scalable model
there's a great fantastic quote from the bible bad company corrupts good character and that's sort of been a motto of mine my entire life is is really try to find because you become an output of the five or six people you surround yourself with most right
that's your partner that's your wife that's your that's your friends that's that's everything so the people you work with and so yeah it's really really important that you can surround yourself with people that give you value and give you community and inspire you
and are honest with you and are transparent with you and can and help lift you up so that you can step into the true power that you're meant to be and if if you're surrounded by people who are less than that who are negatives or who are
who are who are or for example you know like I try to surround I belong to a mastermind group and most everyone in that group is considerably more successful than me
considerably more intelligent than me considering more versed in everything and so but what I found is by surrounding myself with these types of people
you sort of have no choice but to play at their level and if you're not playing at their level you're sort of kind of an outcast and sit in the shadows
and so yeah it's really really important that to understand that you're not trying to fake it's not the whole concept of fake it till you make it it's it's finding people that you can that you are inspired by
that are doing things that you haven't yet done or want to do and they're living proof and they're willing to support your journey as well and bring you up to their level
and that's what I'm trying to say is like it's so critical to surround yourself with quality people because they become a byproduct of who you are
okay I want to change gears a little bit does every new business need a branding strategist like yourself working with them to succeed and if so why I don't think ultimately you need to go hire somebody
especially if you're strapped for cash I do think more importantly it's critical that you take the time to figure out and can we clarify the word brand because that's a very
fabulous term for a lot of people branding or brand most people think that that's just you know the color of your the color of your the colors that you've chosen or your logo or you have a website so now you're branded and it's it couldn't be
farther from the truth those are certain elements of a brand but they're just small constituents that ultimately make up a brand a brand is everything that you stand for a brand is everything that you believe a brand is your values a brand is the message a brand is your 30 second
elevator pitch a brand is how you answer the phone or your voice message or what your website says it's all of those things combined into one which ultimately says this is who I am this is what I believe this is what I stand for and this is what I bring to the table
and these are the problems that I'm going to solve for you this is me do you have access to so much information on the internet today that you could basically build your own brand without me but the problem is is most people don't have the
discipline to your point most people don't have the the moxie or the or the wherewithal to sort of dive into that space or they're so busy trying to do all the other things to get their business going that they've forgotten to take the time to have that clarity first so it helps to have somebody
like me in your corner I'm sort of like your branding marketing wing man okay so what you just got through saying is the big reason why I brought you on this program I feel like I'm getting an
education a really good education right now and I believe the audience is to yeah take breaking down what branding is is so important and I guess what I'm reading out of that is that when it comes to building your brand it is so critical for you to be authentic about who you really are because if you're not people can smell
that a mile away yeah you you really someone thank you for summarizing that better for me I'm a little long winded if you can tell yeah you know I actually have this service that I offer this is not a shameless plug but to just to continue with the dating scene one one of the things that I discovered early on in my dating journey is that a it's time consuming be it's a bit confusing see it's very tiring and D you know what because I was married for 10 years for example in dating the same person for 17 years
I sort of lost touch with reality and I find that a lot of people because because of you know a bunch of other things that go into that you sort of kind of lose touch with who you are and it's not that you're
delusional but you just might lose touch with who you are you just sort of out of practice and all those things and so we developed this program where we actually help people it's a personal branding workshop where I act as your wingman might team access your wingman and teaches you how to show up in your and I don't like
authentic is over use sort of become this cliche buzzword but genuinely speaking it's a fantastic word if you really break it down it means no facades it means who you are it's what your value what do you bring to the table where the types of people you want to connect with who do you want
to date or who do you want as your clients it's all of those things in teaching you how to how to profess that how to amplify that how to share that message so that you can show up as your true self and there
isn't like this this wall of of the façades that you're throwing out there to sort of pretend that you're somebody that you're not so that you'll attract that person because like you said man what you just said is so brilliant we're really really savvy and smart and we can smell right through it like we know if you're being a fraud like you might get away with it for a couple of dates you might get away with it after a amount of time but really quickly if you're projecting something that is falsified that truth that dead body if you will will rise to the surface and so it's really important that you get some clarity
around all the things that you are so that when you do show up in the marketplace whether as an entrepreneur someone you try as as a dating a new single dad out in the marketplace you're showing up in the most positive light possible the most transparent light possible the most authentic version of you that is possible my goal at the end of this conversation is for that dad that's listening now that that single dad that is on the fence that has just had the
dream going on in his head for maybe a short time it may be most of his life and he's been scared to take that to pull the trigger and become an entrepreneur to launch that dream my goal is that by the end of this conversation that single dad is left without any excuses and is ready to take action and knows those key first steps to be able to get something in motion and often sometimes very first things you do become the hardest
because they're new to you but to have the courage to get off the bench and start taking action and doing something what are the key takeaways that you want single dads to understand about getting control of their time their energy and their financial well being discover your mindfulness and understand what that does for you and being willing to be honest with yourself and understand who you are first and foremost and I know that sounds a bit
so terror but really important to approach that from a serve first capacity not what can I get out of this I think a lot of people get caught up in the tit for tat conditional relationship situation which is you know all do this if you do this for me and then like I noticed that in my own in my own marriage I was like you know that because I wasn't
passionately connected with this person because I had become lazy or undisciplined or whatever it was the mistakes that I made in my marriage and the fact that we grew apart it sort of became this conditional logic of like all do this if you do that for me right and so get away from that first of all if you're going
to be an entrepreneur you have to understand that you're here to serve first and and if you do it properly if you do it with authenticity to borrow your term if you do it with clarity you'll find that all the things that you seek they will come to you over time but you have to step away from
me me me it has to be a serve first capacity so take some time to to be mindful and develop that I think also prioritize and delegate if you can be very very clear on what it is you want to accomplish and build a plan around that it's sort of like setting goals it's no different than setting goals you know
there are going to be a lot of goals that you want to accomplish there's a lot of things that you can do as an entrepreneur and they sometimes seem very monumental but if you can plan it out and prioritize and strategize with those things you'll find that if you set smaller pieces in between for this stratization
that big and surmountable goal slowly over time become smaller and more attainable and understand that time management is everything know your resources and what you're able to do and I don't over commit I think we're really over zealous early on that we'll just do everything I'll take it on yeah yeah I'll do it
and then you know you know two weeks later you're sinking and sinking and barely able to swim because you said yes is so many things I'm not saying that that's that it's you should be ambivalent about that I'm saying that understand your resources and that everything that you bring to the table is sort of like your bank account and if people are withdrawing from you all the time that bank account gets really small so embrace tools and strategies to understand your value and and what your resource constraints are streamlined your workflow try to systematize things where you can for example
if you're sending out emails every day on lead generation tactics you should probably copy and learn to copy and write sort of a standard email so that you don't have to write the entire thing every single time right so understand your workflow and really try to systematize and most importantly don't compromise on your well being it's really really really important that you take care of yourself first because now you're a single dad right so your resources are thinner than they were before you don't have that partner to support you and now you're you might be solely responsible for your work and you're not going to be able to do that
you might be solely responsible for supporting your little offspring so it's really important that you take care of yourself get to the gym make it a priority you can wake up at five o'clock in the morning it might take you a couple weeks to get used to it but wake up in the morning you'll find that's your most valuable time your diet is critical man you you are what you eat take note of that and that's different for everybody but develop a healthy work life existence so that you're not consumed by work and I struggle from that all the time because I actually love working right but
if you want to have sustained success it's really important that you take care of yourself and and and and again if you're diminished if you're less you're going to be less equipped to handle your clients your children etc etc.
Devo how can dads connect with you to get help or learn more about what you're doing.
Instagram is a great way I'm on LinkedIn Instagram I'm I'm at fusion photo if you S I O N photo pH O T O G short for photography on my website is fusion creative branding dot com you can send me a message there or DM me on Instagram I respond and connect with everybody I don't ever leave a message on responded just to make it easier as well if you go to the fatherhood challenge dot com that's the fatherhood challenge dot com go to this episode
look right below the episode description I'll have all of the links that Devo just said all the links will be posted right there below the description as we close what is your one challenge to dads listening now if there's something you want to do start by starting today and
figure out a way to build it do not look back 20 30 40 years from now and say I wish I had done that and your situation as a single dad is unique and so are the insights and the resilience and the value that you bring to the world
how can you figure out a turn your strengths into something that someone else can utilize someone else can buy someone else can stand to gain by the value that you bring to the world and everybody I do ultimately truly believe that everybody has some value that they could grow upon and expand and share if you if you approach it from that surfers capacity you find that you start surrounding yourself with the right type of people
Devo it has been awesome to have you on the fatherhood challenge you brought so much so much value so much wisdom to the audience I learned so much from you as well so I know listeners did as well so thank you so much for coming on
thank you I appreciate the opportunity to speak to your audience and the conversation with you is absolutely fantastic it's not often that I encounter people who sort of share some of the insights of wisdom if you talk about the epigenetics man well done I'm giving you a high five for that one
not many people talk about epigenetics well done thank you for listening to this episode of the fatherhood challenge if you would like to contact us listen to other episodes find any resource mentioned in this program or find out more information about the fatherhood challenge please visit the fatherhood challenge dot com that's the fatherhood challenge dot com
[MUSIC]
Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/thefatherhoodchallengepodcast/donations29m - Feb 2, 2024 - A Dads Journey to Mental Wellness
If you are struggling with your mental health as a father at any age, this episode is for you. My guest has studied and learned much about the mental health crisis surrounding dads and has written a book about it. He will share his own story and what he has learned and offer much needed hope.
Mark Williams is a Keynote Speaker, Author of How Are You Dad and International campaigner for the mental health of fathers.
To connect with Mark or learn more about what he is doing visit:
To purchase How Are you Dad visit: https://amzn.eu/d/iqy5yTF
Special thanks to Zencastr for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. Use my special link https://zen.ai/CWHIjopqUnnp9xKhbWqscGp-61ATMClwZ1R8J5rm824WHQIJesasjKDm-vGxYtYJ to save 30% off your first month of any Zencastr paid plan.
Transcription - A Dads Journey to Mental Wellness
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If you're struggling with your mental health as a father at any age, this episode is for
you.
My guest has studied and learned much about the mental health crisis surrounding dads
and has written a book about it.
He will share his own story in what he has learned and offer much needed hope in just
a moment so don't go anywhere.
Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge, a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere to
take great pride in their role.
And to challenge society to understand how important fathers are to the stability and
culture of their families environment.
Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.
Greetings everyone.
Thank you so much for joining me.
My guest is Mark Williams.
Mark is a keynote speaker, author and international campaigner for mental health awareness for
fathers.
Mark thank you so much for joining me on the Fatherhood Challenge.
No, thank you Jonathan.
Honestly, I'm looking forward to it.
Actually, share it.
And thank you for letting me share the message as well.
Definitely.
So I've got to ask, what is your favorite joke, Mark?
Oh, okay.
Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. I feel like a pair of curtains.
You better put yourself together.
Bad is bad.
Bad.
Sorry.
Sorry.
But I tried.
Mark, what is your own personal story behind why you became so involved with mental health
for fathers?
Yeah, it started in 2004.
So we planned to become parents.
We just come out at a house.
Me and Michelle were in totally different jobs where we are now.
But yeah, we thought we were ready and I was 30 years of age.
But the pregnancy was fine, nothing all the pregnancy.
But after 20 hours of labor, Michelle was in bad shape, she was starting to get worse and
worse.
And the doctors came rushing in and they said, Mr. Williams, your wife needs emergency
C section.
We need to get it down the ER quick.
And Jonathan's the first time and only time.
I've actually had a panic attack and I felt so guilty and all the attention was on me when
it should be on my wife Michelle.
And it wasn't when I went to theater then, obviously, a while away from this, obviously,
of course.
I honestly thought my wife and baby is going to die in that situation and it felt helpless
in us.
I did not do it.
I was under the impression in the labor, cut the baby's cord off of your gall, happy families
and it wasn't a case for Michelle.
And obviously, as we know, now PTSD is an anxiety disorder, the witness in experience and
life-frightening event.
So yeah, it's nothing worse than thinking the wife and baby is going to die in that situation
for me and a lot of parents and partners and grandparents as well.
So what you basically experienced was a birth trauma?
Absolutely, absolutely.
Like you said, 19 years ago, it wasn't really much awareness and perinatal mental health
obviously has grown over the last 10 to 12 years, especially in the UK as a state.
But back then, we were in even talking about mental health, depression, anxiety or PTSD.
Of course, it was associated with people with any armed forces, but people were aware that
of course, fathers can experience PTSD as well and certainly my wife did.
But it wasn't until a couple of days after my wife was really well in the ward, things changed
rapidly.
And I was expecting to leave that birth experience, the fray of us, but obviously it was
all in myself and I couldn't process what just went on.
And the first thing I did was drink, knocked my next door neighbors at the time to use alcohol
to cope with it because it was just too much going on.
But things really escalated after Michelle got discharged and she was quickly after a couple
of weeks in crisis team where my wife is very open about this and she's trying to take
her life by suicide.
And this is what my love, obviously, is in still love today, but she never experienced
any anxiety or depression as she should say, severe as she was getting after the birth.
So for the first couple of weeks before the crisis team came in, I was trying to hate
it from people and trying to, I was worried about social services, I was worried the baby
was going to take off, be taken off first, I was worried all thoughts of things of the
father and I was expecting to be back in work in two weeks and I was self-employed.
So luckily I had a good manager, I said, look, take as much time as you want, obviously
you won't get paid.
I was eventually off for six months because after Michelle went into crisis, it was a case
that there was a world and never experience before.
And there certainly wasn't any specialist services in the UK for mams back then.
My wife was on a hospital ward with people with all different disorders.
So I was totally uneducated, I'm a mental health, totally uneducated myself.
So yeah, I didn't know about, you know, severe post-apression, but it was late to diagnose afterwards
as she had to PTSD as well.
There really wasn't much awareness for how to treat your wife's mental awareness or mental
illness as well, is that what you're saying?
Yeah, it's, well, I was CPNU, a community mental health nurse who was caring for Michelle.
Gail James, she actually went into the field of specializing in parenting mental health.
And she came across a lot of mams like Michelle and she went on to set up a group afterwards.
But certainly back then, you know, post-apression fathers, which I talk a lot about as well, you know,
it was really a case of like for mams back then, you know, what have you got to be depressed
about?
You just had a baby, you know, those sort of conversations were going on as well in 2004.
So we have come a long way as well.
And certainly back then, you know, and certainly when it comes to fathers, it was lichen, nothing,
I wasn't even asked about my mental health back then either, like a lot of fathers today
and I'll ask either.
The part I can really relate to is the part where you felt guilty for what you were feeling
and you did not want to call any attention to yourself and take the attention off of your
wife who was needing care at that moment as well, very much so.
I can relate to that feeling very much.
I also experienced birth trauma.
It wasn't until many, many years later that I realized that that's what I was going through.
But looking back now, I felt exactly what you were feeling.
I felt that guilt for what I was feeling and I tried to just suck it up and deal with it
in the moment and not call any attention to myself.
Yeah, and I know many other dads can have experienced that as well and can relate to that.
Yeah, thanks, Jonathan.
Thanks for sharing stories as well because it is a big issue that, you know, especially in
the UK and why I've come across a lot of fathers don't get through the cause and end up in
services and who may not, you know, never maybe comes along and there's more anti-natal
anxiety then because obviously the fathers think it is going to happen again, you know,
those sorts of things.
And communication is a big factor, you know, where sometimes my miss over thinking is
anything I've done, but the way dad's presenting, like I did, you know, avoiding situations,
I was drinking more, feeling feelings of anger, all these sorts of feelings.
You know, I couldn't have my wife, I was feeling because I didn't want to impact on her,
mental health even more.
So I suppressed those feelings for many years as well, you know, so it's very common, more
common than we think it is, you know.
What are the statistics behind fathers who struggle with mental health or fathers who commit
suicide?
There's a couple of new studies come out in Canada, a recent study and it's anything like
22% onwards, you know, it's a, when you look at the overall studies, it's one in ten, we
know for years and that was over like four, over many studies, but overall it was one in
ten.
So, you know, even though one in ten is a lot, but we've got to remember it was one in ten
for years for mums and then one of us more evidence and research and we're screening and assessment
knowledge behind it, we know now is far higher than when in ten in mums.
So eventually this will be known as it is far higher than when in ten, definitely.
But the one thing is with suicide, actually suicide, so in any UK is, we call it died by suicide
because it didn't actually crime to die by suicide.
And so it's at the 47 times more risk of father is to obviously of suicide as a new father
at the 47 and that research came out in 2010.
So you know, this, one of the pretty big studies while on the father.
So you know, so we got, you know, in the UK especially where we know, you know, the biggest
killer men under 45 being suicide and we know the high risk of suicide in women, which
is high risk in maternal mental health and we still know screen assessment dance, you know.
So you know, we know that lollies men will die by suicide after the post-natal period as
well.
And also we know that some of the risk factors could have been from what happened as becoming
a new father as well.
So it does get more complex.
I was actually diagnosed with ADHD at 40 and ten years ago.
So there could be other issues for instance, you know, like for instance, you know, neurodiversity
you got bipolar schizophrenia dad, you know, who struggled with problems with his mental
health before becoming a dad.
And then he put the lack of sleep on top of that as well, you know, then he got, you know,
different structures and different things we know with the transition of parenting as
well.
So you know, working more hours because it comes, you know, there's loads of reasons why
sometimes it could get worse because when becoming a new dad as well.
So in other words, we could really almost spend an entire new episode just on the topic of
the complexities of mental illness that can contribute into the birth experience or even
the other way around.
I never thought of sleep being a factor, but yes, that's an obvious one.
Both the mother and the dad are not getting very much sleep in the very beginning during
the birth experience and definitely after the birth experience and that plays a very,
very big part.
And then you added several more factors into it that many of us don't think of.
If we have other things going on, if we have ADHD and there may be a host of other things
that may be may have been there before the birth and all of that factors in and that really
leads me into the next question that makes me wonder.
I mean, is mental health of fathers ignored or treated with less seriousness or awareness
than that of mothers and if that is the case?
Why do we think that is?
Yeah, so I'm not a bit about obviously in the States, you know, about I work with, um,
a gentleman called Dr. Daniel Sengley, he does love fathers and, um, but also what I know
now, especially when I'm in the UK is we are understanding that, but it's only when
mums are unwell and the fathers in England can get screened for their mental health.
So which is a good start, but a lot of mothers tell me that Mark, I'm fine, you know, my,
my partner husband is actually struggling and it's actually impacting on my mental health.
And so some of the researchers say in about the 50% of fathers can actually get depression
looking after the mothers, we post part of them depression as well.
So, you know, if, if dad's got a depression, obviously he's up to 50% of the mums can get affected.
So the old idea is really getting more realistic approach, you know, support both parents
and at the same time with a struggling and then he outcomes a far better for themselves
and relationships and obviously the child development as well because, you know, like I said,
fathers who are near depressed, they less likely to sing, read, dance and play, they less likely
to follow good health guidelines, keeping the baby safe as well. So there's other shows that
comes into it. Why should we look at a father's mental health because obviously the impact
they may have on the family members as well.
That's interesting. I think that is, that may be the first time I've ever heard that approach
of treating the mental health of both the mother and the father at the same time.
So it's probably safe to assume if one or the other is experiencing depression during
her after the birth experience, it's probably safe to assume the other one is and we're further
ahead just to go ahead and screen and treat them both. I think that is probably one of the
wisest approaches I've ever heard.
Oh, thanks Jonathan. Like you said, you know, I've been campaigned with government level
and the most important of course is the parents, but the economic cost, you know, we went,
you know, that we found, you know, it can say billions, you know, because a lot of these,
men are going into other services and relationships break down and then there's other issues within
the relationship when they can't see a children or sort of things in delinx with a lot of the
things as well. So, yeah, it's that early prevention, you know, and it's such an important time.
You know, I always say mental health early prevention starts on pregnancy, you know, so we
should be looking after mum and dad or whoever that parent is, you know, support them because
then they could look after the baby better than as well.
I want to throw this question in there because I know this has been on the minds of many
dads. It was definitely on my mind at the time I was going through this. If you are experiencing
like even right now, if you're the dad listening now and you are experiencing depression, it doesn't
matter if it's been recently after the birth or it's been sometime after the birth or
maybe even during the birth process, but right now you are experiencing some kind of depression,
you're just feeling down, you're feeling the blues and there's all kinds of ways that happens.
You feel maybe like sleeping more or maybe you're having trouble sleeping. You have all kinds
of intrusive thoughts that go through your mind, all kinds of things. If that is you right now,
and Mark, I'm asking you, if that dad that's going through this now, should he tell his
partner, should he tell his wife or is it better to keep it to himself?
Well, we did some work with parents doing COVID and so I worked with midwife and the mums
for me that would rather know what's going on than them second guessing. So that came up
a lot when we did the exercise. No, I rather know because I'm thinking about everything
and I'm thinking he's having a affair because he's not there. I'm thinking there's 11
or sometimes when it comes to sex, sometimes the father's one out of sex, so he partner
is because he wanted the partner to be pregnant again and then go from a trauma again.
So these topics do come up. But what I know from my own personal experience only is that
when I did, I've no choice to tell Michelle when I was in crisis afterwards, that's something
we do constantly all the time now, we check in each other and I'm more open with my wife,
Michelle now than ever over the last 15 years because nothing is nothing to be ashamed of
really. We talk about physical health more than ever. So if you are struggling, it could
be the smallest thing sometimes, it could be the biggest thing to you and that would help
you partner could actually solve that situation together. So yeah, I'm always very person-centered
when I say this but what's worked for me is having a better conversation and openness
with my partner, Michelle, my wife, Michelle. Okay, so that's completely flipping the narrative
or flipping the thought process of most dads and I think what you said is so powerful and important.
So what you're saying is probably maybe one of the first steps of your treatment, if this
is what you're going through, maybe one of the very first steps that you should do is
open up to your partner to your wife to go tell them, be honest with them about how
you're feeling. I can tell you firsthand, I mean, the times I've opened up with my wife,
I mean, what it actually does is it does build the connection, it does build closeness, it
does increase that bond and maybe you're both in the dumps together. But being in that dark
place together is so much better than being in that place alone. It's so powerful to hear
you say that Mark, from your perspective and from your side of it, your wife preferred
and most wives would prefer that their husbands would open up about what's going on in their
minds and in their own mental health. Absolutely, Jonathan. Yeah, definitely. It's the best
thing I did actually. And even now, if I want time out, she knows, she's more aware.
So yeah, absolutely. It's something like, from the fathers, obviously, I've spoken to
over the years as one of the biggest things they just don't want to tell your partners.
You know, like you mentioned, true set thoughts, you know, dads have, I've spoken to other
and true set thoughts are going to harm the baby and all sorts of things. Well, we know
it's obviously that happens to moms, you know, so, you know, maternal or paternal or CD, you
know, it is, it is, it is never common area. But the good thing about this show is, well,
it's very much, it's raised awareness to educate the mothers so they can look out for
the signs and symptoms if they partner is actually, yes, yes, normal as well. You know, so it's
really important that mums are aware because, you know, they see them every day as well.
The one common thread I see out of this is when it comes to the parinatal mental health
experience, it is becoming less of a gender issue. Well, maybe we have made it a gender
issue, but in fact, it's becoming less of a really of an issue between genders and it's
becoming a simple basic human need. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. No, you're right. It's, it is, it's,
it's, you know, when you think of it, in my experience, obviously, it's, you know, if I,
understand of it, you know, that, and the other things that have a father, just speak to,
when he know that there's ever fathers, I'll actually speak, if you better, no, and gosh,
I'm not the only one now. And this is why it's great that, you know, you're doing the
work you're doing, you know, because like I said, I'm all about equality and all about every
single person should have the same support. And that as far but outcomes as a parent, and
it doesn't matter. Like I said, if nobody was shouting for mums years ago, and I was only
shouting, and everyone shouted for dads, I probably won't be no more for maternal mental
health because it's pretty clear. It's pretty obvious that if you support all parents,
the outcomes are far better, far far better as well. Now you've written a book. Tell me a little
bit about your book and the journey behind what led you to write that book. Yeah. So I'd,
I'd be fortunate, you know, I've done a couple of books over the years. It was one, well,
turned into a film on Amazon Prime, Daddy Blues, but it was, and we self-funded it, you know,
people think you make a lot of money in books, trust me, you know, unless you're JK Rowling
or something like that. But the idea of the book is really just to raise awareness and understanding.
And so the doctor I work with, we did a book a couple of years ago. It was very academic,
and it was great, great book for, but I wanted to write the book with evidence and research. And
so that anyone, you know, anyone interested in in mental health, you know, social workers,
doctors, could be, you know, in parents may have an interest in mental health. You know, so it's
really for people like really just show the evidence in it, you know, and give the voices of parents
in it as well as well as the academics as well. It's very important. And we, I put that in there as
well. So, yeah, it's just, just come out now soon. It's how are you, Dad? And if anyone's interested
as well as, I did a TEDx talk called The Importance of Mental Health, which is obviously the,
the strap line of the book, really. So, you know, they can have a look at that to, to share with
the colleagues or whatever, because they might have a father or a friend who's struggling and it's just
normalizing a conversation that all the thoughts and feelings I was getting as a new father. There was
so many out there having it, but I didn't know any other fathers going through the same sort of
juniors me at the time. If you know, happen to know a dad who is struggling with his mental health,
whether it's a new dad or a dad that's struggling with paternal postpartum depression or an older dad
doesn't matter, what are the most important things that you can do to help? Certainly, as mentioned
obviously, you know, going to see your health professional, you know, obviously. But one thing's,
you know, just having a conversation, you know, looking over different signs and signs for
behaviors that could be, you know, like I mentioned, you know, is your body, you're doing more,
you know, is he, is this personally changed during the pregnancy and afterwards, you know,
these could be signs as well, you know, as mentioned, but then, but also, like I said, it's,
it's really, I found when I started educating myself on it as well, I found, gosh, you know,
that helped me a lot as well, understanding why I was behaving in different ways as well.
But yeah, I think if there's any, any colleagues out there, just ask the question, you know,
how are you dad, you know, how are you getting on, you know, because like you mentioned,
you know, sleep, you know, sleep, you know, severe sleep deprivation, you know, you know, that can cause
psychosis on its own, you know, so, so these sort of things, you know, maybe some fathers would just want,
just want a conversation, just see how things going on and I don't see them again, then, you know,
just want to have a chat and to the most severe end where unfortunately I've supported fathers where,
you know, they have made plans to die by suicide and obviously we've put interventions in place,
then, but sometimes the majority of fathers, they speak, they just want something to talk to, just
saying this is how he's feeling because certainly when I would be coming, I didn't have enough,
I didn't have, I didn't get as well when I've been left my son initially, you know, because I was
just so concerned, you know, it was so much going on, but that bond and attachment grew when I was
home for that six months, doing skin skin, baby mass, all that stuff, which has helped talk myself.
So these sort of things can help dads as well, you know, you know, skin to skin, you know,
really starts to touch and go for the dial and baby, you know, being involved in to breastfeeding where,
you know, fathers may feel excluded sometimes during this period and I feel isolation loneliness.
So it's in trying to empower the dads and explain to the moms that it's very important that we include
dads in this in this process as well. The title of your book makes it so simple. How are you, Dad?
The simple question, very, very simple question can have such a powerful impact just checking in
with that dad. That's what I love that the advice that you gave it. It's so simple and it is
probably the one thing that a lot of new dads and even older dads are hungry for the most,
that community, that that fellowship. In addition to reading your book, what are some other resources
that you would recommend to dads who just need a little bit of extra hope? I'm certainly,
look at more the, you know, like, for instance, the early years that, you know, I feel like becoming a new
dad, you know, prepare yourself, you know, the language and the labor, what can cause trauma as well,
you know, you know, for me, you know, emergency C section, you know, so the language, you know,
empower, you know, learning, asking midwife, you know, if you've got any questions, you know,
empower yourself to go on to it. It doesn't matter how silly the question is, make sure, you know,
you get your point across, so you can understand the better as well. So yeah, it's engaged in
the health profession, but remember, you know, dads out there, you've got your own experience and
remember that it's okay, that was feelings. And to empower yourself, you know, it might be more
considerable, your partner's mental health, you know, empower yourself to say, okay, I want to know
more, you know, for instance, so that's something I can think of atop my head. How can dads find your
book, connect with you or learn more about what you're doing? I got a website, it's called www.howyoudad.co.uk
and there's some articles, obviously, I've done, you know, online, so if you look at Mark Williams,
father's mental health and we also got an international day, which is always a day after father's
day in the UK, and it's international father's mental health day. So if anyone wants to be involved
with that, anyone really can, can, can, can certainly come on board and we on that day, we do certainly
give out a lot of information and resources and obviously normalize those conversations. We
should be talking about every day, but it's one day of the year that we really, really push ourselves
up there to get as much information out of the people. And just to make things easier, if you go to
the fatherhoodchallenge.com, that's the fatherhoodchallenge.com. If you go to this episode, look right below the
episode description and I'm going to have all of the links posted there for your convenience, so you can
just click on them and it'll take you right to those resources. And Mark, as we close, what is your
challenge to that dad listening now who's struggling and he's just bottling everything inside?
Yeah, well, I'll take myself to that moment, you know, the quicker the help, the quicker recovery,
and there's no shame. And if, if, luckily for me, well, I had a total breakdown because I was,
I was so on well, I was going to have a little thoughts, obviously, suicide, never made a plan,
never made a plan, but I was very, and well. And so the quicker the help, the quicker recovery,
I always say, you know, at the end of the day, it's, you know, early prevention, you know, because I know
for my own experience, and speaking to other parents, you know, it just gets worse and worse and worse,
and that's not good for you, your family, and obviously your children as well, so yeah, don't
be no shame, just make sure you speak out today to somebody.
It has been an honor and a pleasure having you on the fatherhoodchallenge. You've given us so much to
think about, you've challenged our thinking, and I know you've helped a lot of dads out there
that just need that extra little bit of encouragement and help you provided resources to be able to
help these dads heal. Thank you so much for being on the fatherhoodchallenge.
No, thank you Jonathan, thanks for asking me, thank you.
Thank you for listening to this episode of the Fatherhood Challenge. If you would like to contact us,
listen to other episodes, find any resource mentioned in this program or find out more
information about the fatherhood challenge, please visit thefatherhoodchallenge.com. That's thefatherhoodchallenge.com.
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Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/thefatherhoodchallengepodcast/donations28m - Jan 26, 2024 - Empowering Single Dads to Thrive
Most single dads never planned on becoming single. Divorce, death or separation may have left you holding the pieces and responsibility of both parenting and running a house alone. On top of that you may also feel alone with your thoughts and emotions wondering how you can or will survive your circumstances. If this is you, there is help. There’s such a thing as a single father coach who specifically works with single dads of all walks of life and you will meet him in this episode. His name is Rob Rohde.
To connect with Rob Rohde or learn more about what he's doing visit: https://robrohde.com/ or Email: rob@robrohde.com
Host of The Business of Being Dad podcast (with new episodes released every Tuesday)
Book your FREE Fatherhood Strategy Call here: https://robrohde.com/book-in-a-call/
Special thanks to Zencastr for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. Use my special link https://zen.ai/CWHIjopqUnnp9xKhbWqscGp-61ATMClwZ1R8J5rm824WHQIJesasjKDm-vGxYtYJ to save 30% off your first month of any Zencastr paid plan.
Transcription - Empowering Single Dads to Thrive
---
Most single dads never planned on becoming single.
Death, divorce, separation may have left you holding the pieces
and responsibility of both parenting and running a house alone.
On top of that, you may also feel alone
with your thoughts and emotions,
wondering how you can or will survive your circumstances.
If this is you, there is help.
There's such a thing as a single father coach
who specifically works with single dads of all walks of life.
And he will join us here on the Fatherhood Challenge,
offering hope and help in just a moment.
Don't go anywhere.
Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge,
a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere,
to take great pride in their role,
and a challenge society to understand
how important fathers are to the stability
and culture of their family's environment.
Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.
Greetings everyone.
Thank you so much for joining me.
My guest is single father coach Rob Rodi.
Rob, thank you so much for joining me on the Fatherhood Challenge.
Hi Jonathan.
Thank you.
I appreciate you having me.
Rob, what is your own personal story behind
why you became a single father coach?
I mean, I think like so many of us that are in this space,
the story of how we got there is very personal
and it is based on a lot of things that have happened to us
over the course of our lives.
And for me, when I became a single father,
so basically when I went through my separation
and then my divorce, it was difficult
and there were a lot of struggles for me.
I was very involved with my kids upbringing,
I was very involved with the day to day,
kind of household responsibilities
and taking them to school and things like that
prior to the separation and divorce,
but still when that moment came where I became a single father,
it just was totally different.
And I was overwhelmed and I struggled with anxiety
and I struggled with being able to sleep at night.
And I struggled with things like just not really knowing
what my kids needed from me.
And there were things that my wife, the girl's mom,
had done just naturally in our kind of roles
that we had established over the course of our marriage
that I didn't really get involved with.
And one of those was something like, for instance,
setting up play dates for the kids
and interacting with the other parents
and the other, and often cases, moms before and after school.
That was all foreign to me and that was difficult
and I struggled with it and I really felt like I was failing.
I loved my kids, I was involved with my kids
and I was trying, but I was really not doing well.
And I remember this moment with my oldest daughters
and just for a point of reference at the time
that I became a single father, I had five daughters,
I still have five daughters, my oldest two were teenagers
and they really did not want to hang out with me
during that time.
And so we had joint parenting time.
And I remember like it was yesterday, this moment
where I drove up to their mom's house
to pick them up for their parenting time with me
and my oldest two daughters refused to get in the car.
They did not want anything to do with me.
They were upset at me, I had made mistakes, they were,
they just had a lot of anger and resentment towards me
but that affected me deeply.
And you fast forward maybe a couple of weeks
and another kind of this pivotal moment.
Well, let me start by saying initially,
I was sitting in this place of blame,
this place of being a victim
and really feeling like all of these things
were being done to me and that I really had no control
over it that, you know, I love my kids,
why are they not wanting to spend time with me
as opposed to what my role might have been in that?
And so a couple of weeks after that incident took place,
I remember sitting in my bedroom all alone in the house,
sitting on my bed looking at myself in the mirror
and I was, I had just listened to a podcast earlier that day
and within that podcast, the host had mentioned,
he was, he was given a story regarding a leadership meeting
that he had been in and really a goal
that he felt short on and his boss had told him
or it asked him, how did your leadership contribute
to this result?
And I'm letting that sink in for a minute
because I use those words and looked myself in the mirror
and asked myself, Rob, how has your parenting contributed
to this result, contributed to your relationship
with your oldest daughters?
And that just changed everything for me.
It allowed me to go from a place of being a victim
and helpless to a place of taking responsibility
and being empowered.
And I'm not gonna say that everything just changed
in a moment because it didn't.
I was still sitting in that blame place for a while,
blaming my ex-wife for maybe not painting me in the best light
with the kids, blaming my daughters for not wanting to be with me.
But that was the starting place for me taking responsibility
and eventually I was able to move into that state
where I was able to look at myself and say, okay, Rob,
what are you going to do from this point forward?
What changes are you going to make?
And what are you going to do specifically to work
in un-mending this specific relationship,
this relationship with your twin daughters?
And so that was a big turning point in my life,
but unfortunately, there's more,
about four or five years after that,
there was a moment where there was a series of events
that took place that eventually led to the suicide
of the girl's mom.
And so that just was another kind of punch
that they got to change my life,
it changed the girl's life.
And even though a lot of growth had taken place in me
from a time that I had first gotten divorced
up until that point in time, it had been a few years.
I had really began taking ownership of my life
and ownership of my role as a parent.
I had been mending relationships, I had been working on growth,
I had been really striving to make an impact
on the lives of my family.
The rules changed at that moment,
and I went from having a co-parenting partner
to being a solo parent and parenting daughters
who had experienced a significant loss.
And during that period of time,
after the dust kinda settled, so to speak,
I was able to kind of reflect on all of these things
that had happened, and I just made a decision.
I made a decision that I wanted to take these awful things
that had happened, and all of these experiences
that I had encountered in my family had gone through
and I wanted to figure out a way to use this
to help other people.
I wanted to figure out a way to use this for something good.
And so that was kind of the beginning of me moving
in the direction of starting my own business.
And so really what I strived to do was to create a business
that helped other fathers, specifically single fathers,
by providing them with what I wish that I had had
at that point in my life,
by providing them with accountability and support
and resources and tools and motivation,
and all of those things and all of those pieces.
And so I kinda looked back at all of the things
that I had done and that my family had done
that allowed us to move through all of these obstacles
into a place of being healthy and happy and fulfilled.
And I put that into, built that into a program.
My business exists to help single fathers
establish healthy boundaries, build life-changing relationships
with their kids and create a legacy,
a legacy that extends beyond their career and their bank account.
I know, I have friends who are single dads
and could have used this at specific times in their life.
What are the biggest struggles of the dads that you've coached
and how did you help them get past their struggles?
The biggest challenges that I have noticed
that single fathers face are some of the same ones
that I faced, of course.
You know, it's this feeling of loss
and that is a piece that nobody talks about.
But when you go through it most of the time,
you become a single father either from going through a divorce
or a separation or perhaps from the death or the loss
of a spouse, but either way, there is a significant,
there is a significant feeling of loss
and nobody is going to come out there and say,
you know what, I'm feeling this sense of loss
but how that is going to present is
there's going to be this sense of feeling a sense of overwhelm
and continual stress and drowning in responsibilities,
feeling like it's really difficult to juggle work
in your household chores and all your kids needs.
You're also going to have this feeling of isolation
and loneliness or at least that is very, very common.
And also there are another common struggle that I have seen
is really kind of questioning their abilities
and questioning whether or not they are even capable
of taking care of their kids.
You know, a common phrase that I have heard a lot of single dads,
a lot of dads to be honest, but especially single dads use is,
I am just worried I'm going to screw up my kids.
I just want you to tell me,
what can I do right now so I can stop screwing up my kids?
And, you know, in their own words they're basically expressing
that thought and that idea.
And as far as what I am able to provide for them
and what I am able to help them with is,
it's basically kind of twofold.
There it is the accountability and connection piece
by me providing accountability and support
and a sense of community.
So they feel like these dads, these men's feel maybe a little bit less alone
and have a little bit more guidance and a little bit more support
feeling like I now have someone that's walking alongside me.
And really that's why I created this business is because I want to walk
alongside these men during their most difficult moments
and I want to be that support for them
because I really wish that I had had that myself.
So that is one key ingredient.
And then another way that I strive to help these individuals
is really by providing them with a,
what I call a customizable step-by-step process.
So it is a defined process that is fully customizable
depending on the needs and the ones of that specific dad
and their circumstances.
And so really helping them lay out,
these are some exact steps that I am able to take
in order to move forward and improve my role as a father.
What are the common stereotypes or misconceptions about single dads?
Are they true or are they not true and why?
This is a great question because stereotypes exist for a reason
and that is not to say that they're all true
but a lot of times at one point in time
based on social norms at that time they were true
or there were parts of it they were true.
But one, a couple of stereotypes that I will say are true
is that many single fathers struggle with work-life balance
and many single fathers struggle with experiencing
feelings of loneliness and isolation.
I think those stereotypes are true
but you could also substitute the word fathers
with the word parents and I think it would also be true
because when you are a single parent you are struggling
a single parent who is working and trying
to provide for your family.
The struggle of work-life balance is real.
I mean that is your life and that is something
that you are going to battle and same thing with feeling like
you have enough time to connect with people
and losing your spouse and a lot of cases
that sense of loneliness is going to be real.
So I would say those are true
but they're not things that can't be fixed.
They're not things that can't be worked through.
Some stereotypes or misconceptions that I feel are absolutely false
is that single fathers are not capable of being
as nurturing as single moms.
I simply do not believe that to be true.
And I think that that stereotype came from years and years
of moms and or I should say fathers and mothers
playing certain roles within the lives of their families.
And while it might be true that certain characteristics
and certain emotions come more naturally
for one individual versus the other,
I would not say across the board that it is always
mom versus the dad in terms of those characteristics.
One other stereotype that I would like to put an end to for sure
is that moms play a more important role in the lives
of their kids and fathers.
Yes, this breathes a lot of hope.
Absolutely.
And the other piece of that is that it can be a learned characteristic
it can be a learned quality.
And I think that that is a limiting belief
that a lot of people have is that
however you are today as a parent is how you will be forever.
And that's simply not true.
I mean, that is what personal growth is all about.
And we have the ability to develop these qualities
and to really focus on these areas
that we feel that we want to improve
and we have the ability to make improvements in them.
And as you said, the way that that nurturing
might come across for me versus for you
or for a mom might be different
but it doesn't make it less meaningful or less impactful
in the lives of their kids.
The last episode I did was on paternal postpartum depression
and it was fascinating to really delve deeper into that topic
at some of the causes of that, some of the symptoms as well.
And one of the things that made its way into the discussion
was this misconception by dads that mothers
somehow just magically have it all together
that they go into the pregnancy
and they go into motherhood with this instinct
that is just somehow there of what to do and how to do things.
And I have had several mothers come on this program
and confirm and tell me that that is a lie.
What mothers have done differently
than what you may be seen is that they recognize,
okay, I don't know anything.
And so they take initiative, they read books, they study,
they go to meetings, they ask questions of other people
and they get into these social circles
and share an exchange knowledge.
They do something about it, they're proactive.
And so this breeds hope into dad relationships
because dads can do the same thing.
This is a learned behavior, a learned thing,
not something that's instinctive.
- That's a great point.
I mean, that's speaking to the intentionality of it
and really kind of making a decision that this is what
I know that this is important for me and my role as a parent
and I will just expand on this just slightly further,
if you don't mind and that's that,
there are two aspects to parenting.
And if you break down the parenting piece
and the role of a single father and a single mom
and I think that there is the analytical approach
and there is the emotional approach.
And the analytical approach is the approach
where you are establishing systems and processes
and structure in order to create this sense of stability
and security for your kids.
And that is extremely, extremely important.
And it leads to things like having habits, establishing kind
of habits or chore duties or bed times or curfews
and all of those things are important for kids to have.
But that's only one piece and the other piece
is the emotional piece and that's the piece that allows you
to connect with your kids on a deeper way
for your kids to feel heard and seen and valued
as they are and to fill a sense of connection to you
as the parent.
And I think that I'm bringing this up
because for single parents,
they have to fulfill both of these roles
and they have to sometimes learn the aspect
that has not come as naturally to them.
And it doesn't mean that it will always be
the emotional side that they have to learn.
It could be the analytical side.
Maybe they've been that emotional support
and now they need to learn about how to create
more structure for their family.
But both sides are important and I think that speaks
to how difficult it can be for a single parent
to try to create that whole experience
that allows their kids, puts their kids in an environment
that gives them the greatest chance of thriving.
- I've seen single dads who look like they're always
on top of things and they have their act together
is what I'm seeing just a front or kind of single dad
really haven't figured out
and get to that place where his role is a well oil machine.
- Well, I would say in my experience that it is not a facade
that you can actually or absolutely
as a single father or single mom get to the point
where your life, your family structure runs
like a well oil machine.
But I just want to caution in that we are,
we often what we see on the outside
is not really a good indication of what's going on
on the inside.
And so if you really kind of like lift the curtain
and kind of look behind the curtain,
there is often other things there
that maybe we don't see.
- Besides your coaching service,
are there any resources you would recommend
for dads to help with things like time management,
motivation or even mental health?
- Yes, you know what?
I think for the purpose of this conversation,
I'm going to keep this very simple, simple and easy
because I feel like simple and easy is repeatable.
It's easier to be consistent and consistency
is where the magic happens, right?
It's whenever we do something on a consistent basis.
So these might seem really simple to you in your audience,
but I'm going to throw them out there anyway.
So we all have a smartphone these days
and your smartphone can be a great resource
to you as a father, as a single father.
You can, my suggestion is to take your smartphone
and take your iPhone or whatever you have
and use it today to block off time for your kids,
to block off time for your family
because there's a saying, right,
that what gets scheduled gets done
and I'm not sure why it is that we are so willing to schedule
all of these other external kind of meetings and appointments
and job responsibilities,
but we don't put the same emphasis on our family life.
And so I block off, I mean, I put it in my calendar
and I time block time for my kids and time for my family
and sometimes I'll do this weeks in advance.
So I encourage you to do that.
I think that can be a great resource
and taking that same phone that you have,
you can also, I would also encourage you to do something
very, very simple, set a daily alarm that goes off
at some point where it will go off maybe during your lunch break
or maybe in the morning, as you're getting ready for work,
whatever that might be, that is a reminder to you
to just send a simple text to your kids.
Just send something simple to let them know, hey,
I'm thinking about you, I love you, hope you have a great day.
That is as simple as it comes
and it can make a tremendous impact.
- This next question might be a little uncomfortable
for some dads in the audience,
but I still think it's vitally important to discuss this.
Is there a time and a best way for a single dad
to handle dating with respect to the emotions
and feelings of his children?
- Yeah, this is a hot topic and I will say that
in my experience, there definitely is not a one size fits all
answer to this and the research would actually support that
that it really depends on so many factors.
For instance, what was the nature that caused you
to become a single father in the first place?
It's gonna be very different if that situation was
the death of a spouse versus going through a divorce.
It also might be very different if it involves
if you are raising young children or infants
versus raising teenagers.
And so I'm not trying to skirt this question,
but I'm trying to give context to the answer.
And in short though, I would say that it is pretty well,
it is pretty well received that taking your time
before entering into a dating relationship,
following separation or divorce is recommended.
And in particular, looking at your family
and ensuring that your family has reached a point
of relative stability and that your kids have reached
a point of having this new routine
and all the new changes that have taken place in their lives,
kind of dialed in and a little bit more systematized
versus everything still be a new and chaotic end up in the air.
But the two main things to look at is,
one, are you ready as an individual to start a new relationship?
And two, are your kids ready?
And that first question, only you can answer.
That second one, I would recommend having,
depending on the age of your kids,
having age-appropriate conversations
that are honest and open.
And then also kind of really having in mind
what it is that you would need from a partner,
whether that partner is someone that you're dating
or someone that you're getting serious about.
And in particular, some big red flags are individuals
who do not show flexibility based on your parenting
schedule or individuals who struggle
with the commitment level that you are showing towards your kids
and how that is affecting them and that relationship.
Those are a couple of kind of red flags,
as well as of course the interactions that take place
between the person you're dating and your kids,
which I would strongly recommend waiting
until you know, you've reached the point
where it is a pretty serious relationship
that has a potential of turning into something more long term.
Rob, how can dads listening get a hold of you
with any questions that they have
or get set up with a coaching session with you?
- Yeah, thank you for asking.
I actually have a podcast as well
and the name of my podcast is The Business of Being Dad.
And I release episodes this year
I'm releasing episodes every Tuesday.
And so that is a great way to get a hold of me
or to really find out more about my work and my style
and to just kind of get to know my personality
a little bit and what I have to offer.
But within each of my episodes, within the show notes,
there are links on there to my website, my email,
and to book a free coaching call.
And so I would encourage people to check out the web,
I'm sorry to check out my podcast to subscribe to it.
So it kind of drops into your files every Tuesday
and then reach out to me.
I would love to hear from you.
I have a commitment at this point in my business
that anyone who wants to talk with me, I'll talk with.
So feel free to reach out through email
or to book that free coaching call.
And just so that you know, the free coaching call
is a no pressure, no sales call.
And what I do is I basically run people through
kind of the first part of what would be my first coaching call
if they moved into a full program with me.
But this, the purpose of that free coaching call
is to just get an idea.
What is the biggest obstacle in your life right now?
What is your top need as a parent,
as a single parent, or as a father?
And to just take a look at that
and for you to be able to leave that half hour call
with at least one actionable item,
one actionable step you can take to make progress
in the towards that goal.
And just to make it easier, if you go to the fatherhoodchallenge.com,
that's the fatherhoodchallenge.com.
Go to this episode, look right below the episode description.
I'm gonna have the link to Rob's podcast there.
So you can go click on it.
It'll take you straight to his podcast.
And from there you'll be able to access his website,
his email and any other means to be able to reach out,
connect with him or book a coaching call.
As we close, what is your challenge to dad's listening now?
- My challenge to all of you listening now
is the same challenge I gave myself.
On that night, that transformed my life,
that changed my life.
I challenge each of you to look at yourself
and to ask yourself this question,
what kind of man do I wanna be?
What kind of father do I wanna be?
And what am I going to do to start heading
in that direction today?
- Rob, it has been an honor and a pleasure
to have you on the fatherhoodchallenge.
You've given so many gold nuggets of wisdom
and experience to a lot of dads in the audience
so I know need it badly.
So thank you so much for that, Rob.
- I really appreciate the opportunity.
Thank you.
- Thank you for listening to this episode
of the Fatherhood Challenge.
If you would like to contact us,
listen to other episodes, find any resource mentioned
in this program or find out more information
about the Fatherhood Challenge, please visit
thefatherhoodchallenge.com.
That's thefatherhoodchallenge.com.
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Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/thefatherhoodchallengepodcast/donations29m - Jan 23, 2024
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