Empowering Single Dads to Thrive

Most single dads never planned on becoming single. Divorce, death or separation may have left you holding the pieces and responsibility of both parenting and running a house alone. On top of that you may also feel alone with your thoughts and emotions wondering how you can or will survive your circumstances. If this is you, there is help. There’s such a thing as a single father coach who specifically works with single dads of all walks of life and you will meet him in this episode. His name is Rob Rohde.

To connect with Rob Rohde or learn more about what he's doing visit: https://robrohde.com/ or Email: rob@robrohde.com

Host of The Business of Being Dad podcast (with new episodes released every Tuesday)

Book your FREE Fatherhood Strategy Call here: https://robrohde.com/book-in-a-call/

Special thanks to Zencastr for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. Use my special link https://zen.ai/CWHIjopqUnnp9xKhbWqscGp-61ATMClwZ1R8J5rm824WHQIJesasjKDm-vGxYtYJ to save 30% off your first month of any Zencastr paid plan.

Transcription - Empowering Single Dads to Thrive

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Most single dads never planned on becoming single.

Death, divorce, separation may have left you holding the pieces

and responsibility of both parenting and running a house alone.

On top of that, you may also feel alone

with your thoughts and emotions,

wondering how you can or will survive your circumstances.

If this is you, there is help.

There's such a thing as a single father coach

who specifically works with single dads of all walks of life.

And he will join us here on the Fatherhood Challenge,

offering hope and help in just a moment.

Don't go anywhere.

Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge,

a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere,

to take great pride in their role,

and a challenge society to understand

how important fathers are to the stability

and culture of their family's environment.

Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.

Greetings everyone.

Thank you so much for joining me.

My guest is single father coach Rob Rodi.

Rob, thank you so much for joining me on the Fatherhood Challenge.

Hi Jonathan.

Thank you.

I appreciate you having me.

Rob, what is your own personal story behind

why you became a single father coach?

I mean, I think like so many of us that are in this space,

the story of how we got there is very personal

and it is based on a lot of things that have happened to us

over the course of our lives.

And for me, when I became a single father,

so basically when I went through my separation

and then my divorce, it was difficult

and there were a lot of struggles for me.

I was very involved with my kids upbringing,

I was very involved with the day to day,

kind of household responsibilities

and taking them to school and things like that

prior to the separation and divorce,

but still when that moment came where I became a single father,

it just was totally different.

And I was overwhelmed and I struggled with anxiety

and I struggled with being able to sleep at night.

And I struggled with things like just not really knowing

what my kids needed from me.

And there were things that my wife, the girl's mom,

had done just naturally in our kind of roles

that we had established over the course of our marriage

that I didn't really get involved with.

And one of those was something like, for instance,

setting up play dates for the kids

and interacting with the other parents

and the other, and often cases, moms before and after school.

That was all foreign to me and that was difficult

and I struggled with it and I really felt like I was failing.

I loved my kids, I was involved with my kids

and I was trying, but I was really not doing well.

And I remember this moment with my oldest daughters

and just for a point of reference at the time

that I became a single father, I had five daughters,

I still have five daughters, my oldest two were teenagers

and they really did not want to hang out with me

during that time.

And so we had joint parenting time.

And I remember like it was yesterday, this moment

where I drove up to their mom's house

to pick them up for their parenting time with me

and my oldest two daughters refused to get in the car.

They did not want anything to do with me.

They were upset at me, I had made mistakes, they were,

they just had a lot of anger and resentment towards me

but that affected me deeply.

And you fast forward maybe a couple of weeks

and another kind of this pivotal moment.

Well, let me start by saying initially,

I was sitting in this place of blame,

this place of being a victim

and really feeling like all of these things

were being done to me and that I really had no control

over it that, you know, I love my kids,

why are they not wanting to spend time with me

as opposed to what my role might have been in that?

And so a couple of weeks after that incident took place,

I remember sitting in my bedroom all alone in the house,

sitting on my bed looking at myself in the mirror

and I was, I had just listened to a podcast earlier that day

and within that podcast, the host had mentioned,

he was, he was given a story regarding a leadership meeting

that he had been in and really a goal

that he felt short on and his boss had told him

or it asked him, how did your leadership contribute

to this result?

And I'm letting that sink in for a minute

because I use those words and looked myself in the mirror

and asked myself, Rob, how has your parenting contributed

to this result, contributed to your relationship

with your oldest daughters?

And that just changed everything for me.

It allowed me to go from a place of being a victim

and helpless to a place of taking responsibility

and being empowered.

And I'm not gonna say that everything just changed

in a moment because it didn't.

I was still sitting in that blame place for a while,

blaming my ex-wife for maybe not painting me in the best light

with the kids, blaming my daughters for not wanting to be with me.

But that was the starting place for me taking responsibility

and eventually I was able to move into that state

where I was able to look at myself and say, okay, Rob,

what are you going to do from this point forward?

What changes are you going to make?

And what are you going to do specifically to work

in un-mending this specific relationship,

this relationship with your twin daughters?

And so that was a big turning point in my life,

but unfortunately, there's more,

about four or five years after that,

there was a moment where there was a series of events

that took place that eventually led to the suicide

of the girl's mom.

And so that just was another kind of punch

that they got to change my life,

it changed the girl's life.

And even though a lot of growth had taken place in me

from a time that I had first gotten divorced

up until that point in time, it had been a few years.

I had really began taking ownership of my life

and ownership of my role as a parent.

I had been mending relationships, I had been working on growth,

I had been really striving to make an impact

on the lives of my family.

The rules changed at that moment,

and I went from having a co-parenting partner

to being a solo parent and parenting daughters

who had experienced a significant loss.

And during that period of time,

after the dust kinda settled, so to speak,

I was able to kind of reflect on all of these things

that had happened, and I just made a decision.

I made a decision that I wanted to take these awful things

that had happened, and all of these experiences

that I had encountered in my family had gone through

and I wanted to figure out a way to use this

to help other people.

I wanted to figure out a way to use this for something good.

And so that was kind of the beginning of me moving

in the direction of starting my own business.

And so really what I strived to do was to create a business

that helped other fathers, specifically single fathers,

by providing them with what I wish that I had had

at that point in my life,

by providing them with accountability and support

and resources and tools and motivation,

and all of those things and all of those pieces.

And so I kinda looked back at all of the things

that I had done and that my family had done

that allowed us to move through all of these obstacles

into a place of being healthy and happy and fulfilled.

And I put that into, built that into a program.

My business exists to help single fathers

establish healthy boundaries, build life-changing relationships

with their kids and create a legacy,

a legacy that extends beyond their career and their bank account.

I know, I have friends who are single dads

and could have used this at specific times in their life.

What are the biggest struggles of the dads that you've coached

and how did you help them get past their struggles?

The biggest challenges that I have noticed

that single fathers face are some of the same ones

that I faced, of course.

You know, it's this feeling of loss

and that is a piece that nobody talks about.

But when you go through it most of the time,

you become a single father either from going through a divorce

or a separation or perhaps from the death or the loss

of a spouse, but either way, there is a significant,

there is a significant feeling of loss

and nobody is going to come out there and say,

you know what, I'm feeling this sense of loss

but how that is going to present is

there's going to be this sense of feeling a sense of overwhelm

and continual stress and drowning in responsibilities,

feeling like it's really difficult to juggle work

in your household chores and all your kids needs.

You're also going to have this feeling of isolation

and loneliness or at least that is very, very common.

And also there are another common struggle that I have seen

is really kind of questioning their abilities

and questioning whether or not they are even capable

of taking care of their kids.

You know, a common phrase that I have heard a lot of single dads,

a lot of dads to be honest, but especially single dads use is,

I am just worried I'm going to screw up my kids.

I just want you to tell me,

what can I do right now so I can stop screwing up my kids?

And, you know, in their own words they're basically expressing

that thought and that idea.

And as far as what I am able to provide for them

and what I am able to help them with is,

it's basically kind of twofold.

There it is the accountability and connection piece

by me providing accountability and support

and a sense of community.

So they feel like these dads, these men's feel maybe a little bit less alone

and have a little bit more guidance and a little bit more support

feeling like I now have someone that's walking alongside me.

And really that's why I created this business is because I want to walk

alongside these men during their most difficult moments

and I want to be that support for them

because I really wish that I had had that myself.

So that is one key ingredient.

And then another way that I strive to help these individuals

is really by providing them with a,

what I call a customizable step-by-step process.

So it is a defined process that is fully customizable

depending on the needs and the ones of that specific dad

and their circumstances.

And so really helping them lay out,

these are some exact steps that I am able to take

in order to move forward and improve my role as a father.

What are the common stereotypes or misconceptions about single dads?

Are they true or are they not true and why?

This is a great question because stereotypes exist for a reason

and that is not to say that they're all true

but a lot of times at one point in time

based on social norms at that time they were true

or there were parts of it they were true.

But one, a couple of stereotypes that I will say are true

is that many single fathers struggle with work-life balance

and many single fathers struggle with experiencing

feelings of loneliness and isolation.

I think those stereotypes are true

but you could also substitute the word fathers

with the word parents and I think it would also be true

because when you are a single parent you are struggling

a single parent who is working and trying

to provide for your family.

The struggle of work-life balance is real.

I mean that is your life and that is something

that you are going to battle and same thing with feeling like

you have enough time to connect with people

and losing your spouse and a lot of cases

that sense of loneliness is going to be real.

So I would say those are true

but they're not things that can't be fixed.

They're not things that can't be worked through.

Some stereotypes or misconceptions that I feel are absolutely false

is that single fathers are not capable of being

as nurturing as single moms.

I simply do not believe that to be true.

And I think that that stereotype came from years and years

of moms and or I should say fathers and mothers

playing certain roles within the lives of their families.

And while it might be true that certain characteristics

and certain emotions come more naturally

for one individual versus the other,

I would not say across the board that it is always

mom versus the dad in terms of those characteristics.

One other stereotype that I would like to put an end to for sure

is that moms play a more important role in the lives

of their kids and fathers.

Yes, this breathes a lot of hope.

Absolutely.

And the other piece of that is that it can be a learned characteristic

it can be a learned quality.

And I think that that is a limiting belief

that a lot of people have is that

however you are today as a parent is how you will be forever.

And that's simply not true.

I mean, that is what personal growth is all about.

And we have the ability to develop these qualities

and to really focus on these areas

that we feel that we want to improve

and we have the ability to make improvements in them.

And as you said, the way that that nurturing

might come across for me versus for you

or for a mom might be different

but it doesn't make it less meaningful or less impactful

in the lives of their kids.

The last episode I did was on paternal postpartum depression

and it was fascinating to really delve deeper into that topic

at some of the causes of that, some of the symptoms as well.

And one of the things that made its way into the discussion

was this misconception by dads that mothers

somehow just magically have it all together

that they go into the pregnancy

and they go into motherhood with this instinct

that is just somehow there of what to do and how to do things.

And I have had several mothers come on this program

and confirm and tell me that that is a lie.

What mothers have done differently

than what you may be seen is that they recognize,

okay, I don't know anything.

And so they take initiative, they read books, they study,

they go to meetings, they ask questions of other people

and they get into these social circles

and share an exchange knowledge.

They do something about it, they're proactive.

And so this breeds hope into dad relationships

because dads can do the same thing.

This is a learned behavior, a learned thing,

not something that's instinctive.

- That's a great point.

I mean, that's speaking to the intentionality of it

and really kind of making a decision that this is what

I know that this is important for me and my role as a parent

and I will just expand on this just slightly further,

if you don't mind and that's that,

there are two aspects to parenting.

And if you break down the parenting piece

and the role of a single father and a single mom

and I think that there is the analytical approach

and there is the emotional approach.

And the analytical approach is the approach

where you are establishing systems and processes

and structure in order to create this sense of stability

and security for your kids.

And that is extremely, extremely important.

And it leads to things like having habits, establishing kind

of habits or chore duties or bed times or curfews

and all of those things are important for kids to have.

But that's only one piece and the other piece

is the emotional piece and that's the piece that allows you

to connect with your kids on a deeper way

for your kids to feel heard and seen and valued

as they are and to fill a sense of connection to you

as the parent.

And I think that I'm bringing this up

because for single parents,

they have to fulfill both of these roles

and they have to sometimes learn the aspect

that has not come as naturally to them.

And it doesn't mean that it will always be

the emotional side that they have to learn.

It could be the analytical side.

Maybe they've been that emotional support

and now they need to learn about how to create

more structure for their family.

But both sides are important and I think that speaks

to how difficult it can be for a single parent

to try to create that whole experience

that allows their kids, puts their kids in an environment

that gives them the greatest chance of thriving.

- I've seen single dads who look like they're always

on top of things and they have their act together

is what I'm seeing just a front or kind of single dad

really haven't figured out

and get to that place where his role is a well oil machine.

- Well, I would say in my experience that it is not a facade

that you can actually or absolutely

as a single father or single mom get to the point

where your life, your family structure runs

like a well oil machine.

But I just want to caution in that we are,

we often what we see on the outside

is not really a good indication of what's going on

on the inside.

And so if you really kind of like lift the curtain

and kind of look behind the curtain,

there is often other things there

that maybe we don't see.

- Besides your coaching service,

are there any resources you would recommend

for dads to help with things like time management,

motivation or even mental health?

- Yes, you know what?

I think for the purpose of this conversation,

I'm going to keep this very simple, simple and easy

because I feel like simple and easy is repeatable.

It's easier to be consistent and consistency

is where the magic happens, right?

It's whenever we do something on a consistent basis.

So these might seem really simple to you in your audience,

but I'm going to throw them out there anyway.

So we all have a smartphone these days

and your smartphone can be a great resource

to you as a father, as a single father.

You can, my suggestion is to take your smartphone

and take your iPhone or whatever you have

and use it today to block off time for your kids,

to block off time for your family

because there's a saying, right,

that what gets scheduled gets done

and I'm not sure why it is that we are so willing to schedule

all of these other external kind of meetings and appointments

and job responsibilities,

but we don't put the same emphasis on our family life.

And so I block off, I mean, I put it in my calendar

and I time block time for my kids and time for my family

and sometimes I'll do this weeks in advance.

So I encourage you to do that.

I think that can be a great resource

and taking that same phone that you have,

you can also, I would also encourage you to do something

very, very simple, set a daily alarm that goes off

at some point where it will go off maybe during your lunch break

or maybe in the morning, as you're getting ready for work,

whatever that might be, that is a reminder to you

to just send a simple text to your kids.

Just send something simple to let them know, hey,

I'm thinking about you, I love you, hope you have a great day.

That is as simple as it comes

and it can make a tremendous impact.

- This next question might be a little uncomfortable

for some dads in the audience,

but I still think it's vitally important to discuss this.

Is there a time and a best way for a single dad

to handle dating with respect to the emotions

and feelings of his children?

- Yeah, this is a hot topic and I will say that

in my experience, there definitely is not a one size fits all

answer to this and the research would actually support that

that it really depends on so many factors.

For instance, what was the nature that caused you

to become a single father in the first place?

It's gonna be very different if that situation was

the death of a spouse versus going through a divorce.

It also might be very different if it involves

if you are raising young children or infants

versus raising teenagers.

And so I'm not trying to skirt this question,

but I'm trying to give context to the answer.

And in short though, I would say that it is pretty well,

it is pretty well received that taking your time

before entering into a dating relationship,

following separation or divorce is recommended.

And in particular, looking at your family

and ensuring that your family has reached a point

of relative stability and that your kids have reached

a point of having this new routine

and all the new changes that have taken place in their lives,

kind of dialed in and a little bit more systematized

versus everything still be a new and chaotic end up in the air.

But the two main things to look at is,

one, are you ready as an individual to start a new relationship?

And two, are your kids ready?

And that first question, only you can answer.

That second one, I would recommend having,

depending on the age of your kids,

having age-appropriate conversations

that are honest and open.

And then also kind of really having in mind

what it is that you would need from a partner,

whether that partner is someone that you're dating

or someone that you're getting serious about.

And in particular, some big red flags are individuals

who do not show flexibility based on your parenting

schedule or individuals who struggle

with the commitment level that you are showing towards your kids

and how that is affecting them and that relationship.

Those are a couple of kind of red flags,

as well as of course the interactions that take place

between the person you're dating and your kids,

which I would strongly recommend waiting

until you know, you've reached the point

where it is a pretty serious relationship

that has a potential of turning into something more long term.

Rob, how can dads listening get a hold of you

with any questions that they have

or get set up with a coaching session with you?

- Yeah, thank you for asking.

I actually have a podcast as well

and the name of my podcast is The Business of Being Dad.

And I release episodes this year

I'm releasing episodes every Tuesday.

And so that is a great way to get a hold of me

or to really find out more about my work and my style

and to just kind of get to know my personality

a little bit and what I have to offer.

But within each of my episodes, within the show notes,

there are links on there to my website, my email,

and to book a free coaching call.

And so I would encourage people to check out the web,

I'm sorry to check out my podcast to subscribe to it.

So it kind of drops into your files every Tuesday

and then reach out to me.

I would love to hear from you.

I have a commitment at this point in my business

that anyone who wants to talk with me, I'll talk with.

So feel free to reach out through email

or to book that free coaching call.

And just so that you know, the free coaching call

is a no pressure, no sales call.

And what I do is I basically run people through

kind of the first part of what would be my first coaching call

if they moved into a full program with me.

But this, the purpose of that free coaching call

is to just get an idea.

What is the biggest obstacle in your life right now?

What is your top need as a parent,

as a single parent, or as a father?

And to just take a look at that

and for you to be able to leave that half hour call

with at least one actionable item,

one actionable step you can take to make progress

in the towards that goal.

And just to make it easier, if you go to the fatherhoodchallenge.com,

that's the fatherhoodchallenge.com.

Go to this episode, look right below the episode description.

I'm gonna have the link to Rob's podcast there.

So you can go click on it.

It'll take you straight to his podcast.

And from there you'll be able to access his website,

his email and any other means to be able to reach out,

connect with him or book a coaching call.

As we close, what is your challenge to dad's listening now?

- My challenge to all of you listening now

is the same challenge I gave myself.

On that night, that transformed my life,

that changed my life.

I challenge each of you to look at yourself

and to ask yourself this question,

what kind of man do I wanna be?

What kind of father do I wanna be?

And what am I going to do to start heading

in that direction today?

- Rob, it has been an honor and a pleasure

to have you on the fatherhoodchallenge.

You've given so many gold nuggets of wisdom

and experience to a lot of dads in the audience

so I know need it badly.

So thank you so much for that, Rob.

- I really appreciate the opportunity.

Thank you.

- Thank you for listening to this episode

of the Fatherhood Challenge.

If you would like to contact us,

listen to other episodes, find any resource mentioned

in this program or find out more information

about the Fatherhood Challenge, please visit

thefatherhoodchallenge.com.

That's thefatherhoodchallenge.com.

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