Hacks to Parenting Teens and Tweens

 Are you a dad with a teen or tween and you are feeling overwhelmed and out of your league on how to parent and connect with them? Do you feel like you can’t relate to their world but wish you had a relationship where they trusted you with everything? I’ve brought a guest on the program who can help you parent your teen or tween with confidence and build a strong connection with them.

My guest is certified professional teen life coach Kevin Baker. Kevin’s specialty is empowering teens and tweens  to build self esteem, boost confidence and overcome limiting beliefs to be the best version of themselves.

If you would like to connect with Kevin Baker or receive coaching you can find him at: https://lifecoachkevin.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lifecoachkevin/

Special thanks to Zencastr for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. Use my special link https://zen.ai/CWHIjopqUnnp9xKhbWqscGp-61ATMClwZ1R8J5rm824WHQIJesasjKDm-vGxYtYJ to save 30% off your first month of any Zencastr paid plan.

Transcription - Hacks to Parenting Teens and Tweens

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Are you a dad with a teen or a tween and you're feeling overwhelmed and out of your league

on how to parent and connect with them?

Do you feel like you can't relate to their world but wish you had a relationship where

they trusted you with everything?

I brought a guest on the program who can help you parent your teen or tween with confidence

and build a strong connection with them.

He will join us in just a moment so don't go anywhere.

Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge, a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere

to take great pride in their role and a challenge society to understand how important fathers

are to the stability and culture of their family's environment.

Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.

Greetings everyone.

Thank you so much for joining me.

My guest is Certified Professional Teen, Life Coach, Kevin Baker.

Kevin's specialty is empowering teens and tweens to build self-esteem, boost confidence

and overcome limiting beliefs to be the best version of themselves.

Kevin, thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge.

Oh yeah, thank you.

Thank you, Jonathan.

Happy to be here.

We're going to start out with my favorite question.

Kevin, what is your favorite dad joke?

Why did the coffee fall a police report?

Why did the coffee mug file a police report?

Because I don't know.

Because he got mugged.

I absolutely love that joke.

Well, thank you.

My kids love to roll their eyes at all of them.

As long as the dads are chuckling, then I've done my job.

Yeah, it qualifies then.

It definitely qualifies.

Well, Kevin, let's get into your story.

What is the story behind what led you to coach teens and tweens?

You know, I guess looking way back on it, you know, it all started when my wife and I decided

to have children.

That started my journey on parenthood and being a father and learning all sorts of things

about childhood development, medical issues, mental health issues, school issues, social issues,

you know, everything that gets thrown at you as a parent.

And you know, fast forward about 14 years later, 13 years later, I found myself, I was

with a lot of time on my hands.

And I had to do some soul searching and figure out how is I going to have the greatest positive

impact on as many people as possible with the time that I have here on earth.

And through a lot of soul searching and reading and having conversations and being coached

myself, I came up with life coaching and specifically for teens and tweens because I'm in the

thick of it.

So you know, it helps my personal growth.

It allows me to have meaningful purpose.

I develop all sorts of fantastic relationships with all sorts of fantastic people and that's

what drives me.

Making a difference, you know, that moment when you're having a conversation with a kiddo

and you know, the light bulb goes off and they get it and you're able to change what was

a roadblock or an invisible barrier when you're able to get rid of that so they can move on

to be the best version of themselves.

That's really the story of why.

That's my why.

And I'm here to get the message out that life coaching is not just for adults and kiddos

need positive mentors and role models and positive influence and they need people to ask those

thought provoking questions that help pull the answers out of their subconscious because

the kiddos they have the answers, they need the guidance and the friendly input in order

to help get those answers out so they can fulfill their life's purpose.

And you said on that calling, did it really ever dawn on you that what you are really doing

is leaving a legacy behind with many teens?

It did.

It did and that was part of my checklist.

I have a whole career checklist that I used to get here and leaving a legacy was a big

part of it.

I want to have my positive impact that I can make on just one kiddo.

Have that reverberate throughout the world long after I'm gone because it's like the

old story goes you hold door open for someone going into a building in the morning and before

you know they are holding the door open for somebody else.

It's the power of positivity helping encourage that mindset that'll leave that legacy behind.

I've heard it said of dads that they can either do the hard work early or they can do the

hard work later.

If they do the work and they bond with their child at infancy the teen years are easier.

Is that actually true?

Easier than what?

You know I think the entire experience of fatherhood is hard work.

You know it's really hard.

It's very important to bond with your child while they're in infant having that you know

chest to chest time.

You know let them feel your heart beating.

Let them breathe with you in rhythm.

And it's important for you to play catch with them in the backyard.

You know when they're growing up and you know it never gets easier.

It's just the challenges get different.

The challenges change.

And as long as you're present, empathetic and guide your children to make the best possible

choices that they can in life.

You know I think that's what it's all about and if you can foster the importance of choices

and the consequences of those choices so that they're aware of them every step of the

way.

Yeah it might get easier as you go but I don't know if there's a tradeoff for infancy

versus the teenage years in particular.

So it sounds like really what you're saying is what's required is full engagement from

infancy, all the way into the handoff to adulthood.

And even then there's still going to be engagement in the adult years as well that there's

never really a moment or a time in the development phases where you really let off the gas.

I do let off the gas in the sense that I like the kids to go on their own adventures.

I like them to discover who they are on their own and make choices and decisions according

to that knowing that they're going to have consequences from the choices.

I never stop giving them an opportunity to do that.

I like to put them in different situations all the time.

Whether it be engaging in different social arenas or engaging in different activities, sporting

activities, family trips, traveling, even giving them a freedom to head into the market.

And here's the money, that's your budget, here's what we need.

Come on out when you're ready.

When you're done.

And bring the change.

But those sorts of things, those sorts of things really empower them.

And they give them a sense of freedom, it builds confidence and self-esteem.

So father's job is never really done.

Talk to that dad who thinks or knows that he's made mistakes with his child or his children

and he feels disconnected from them and doesn't know where to begin repairing things.

That one hits close to home a little bit.

And the thing that I have to say is it's never too late to be the best you can be.

And it's never too late to be empathetic, to be a really, really good listener and to bond,

and to try and discover who your child is on the inside and what drives them and what

emotions they're feeling and what thoughts they're having and how their thoughts affect

their emotions and how their emotions affect their behaviors and how their behaviors affect

their actions.

And to really find out who they are as a whole person, it's never too late to get involved

and to let them know that you're ready.

But if there's their dads out there that feel like they have made mistakes, we're all human

and we all make mistakes.

The only way I know how to be a parent is from how my parents parented me and the only

way they knew how to be parents is because they learned from their parents.

And that goes on for generations.

So we all make mistakes, but it's what we do to repair them, to make amends, get rid

of the baggage from the past and not even worry about the future that much but to be present

and engage and smile and have fun and give the kiddos the dad and the childhood that

they deserve.

I think that breathes so much hope into a dad that's in that scenario where for whatever

reason he missed out or he wasn't there, wasn't present and he feels like now he needs to

make it up and he's trying to to establish that bond later.

The other thing I find really interesting is I'll use my wife for example, she's middle

age.

Both of her parents are still very, very much involved in her life and that that echoes

what you said earlier and that is that you never stop being a parent.

Maybe the way you do it changes slightly but that never stops.

So as long as your kids are alive, it's never too late.

Never too late.

Never too late and parents have different roles all throughout their lives.

So I've three children and my oldest, I was a certain version of myself.

When she was born and three years later, you know, guess what?

When we had our son, our second child, I had changed again and by the third child, I was

an entirely different person.

So each child has different versions of their parents and parents change over time too

and we all know that the kiddos grow up and they change.

There's always a place for parenting, whether or not the relationship is at a place where

they want to accept advice or not, that's another thing.

But I think there's always a role for a parent in a child's life in vice versa.

We love stories.

Please share some of your best and insightful experiences helping teens that you've worked

with.

And one of the favorite experiences working with a kid out was he had come to me, actually

his mother had come to me and said, you know, he is very depressed.

He won't get out of bed in the morning.

He doesn't like to go to school.

He doesn't think he has a future.

I don't know what to do.

He's having suicidal thoughts.

We've been in therapy for years and we're stuck.

Coach Kevin can you help us?

You know, I really, I felt that.

That got me emotional.

You know, and I said, yeah, I sure will.

Within two weeks, this kiddo, we were able to really, really dig deep and build awareness

around some of the negative, limiting thoughts and beliefs that he had that were automatically

coming to, coming as soon as he would open his eyes in the morning.

They would start.

And we, we practiced techniques.

We had some heart to heart.

We did the exercises long story short.

I talked to him last week.

I think before his family left for Safari in Africa and he was ready to apply to colleges.

And he's so excited about his future.

It was a transformation that, you know, it happened so quickly and I'm so proud of it for

doing the hard work.

And when you get a client, when you get a student, when you get a kiddo, that is as invested

as you are in helping and making things better.

Can you see that kind of progress?

You know, it can't help but make you feel great.

Do you see any difference between the teens that you've helped, the ones that have fathers

and their lives and the ones that don't?

What difference is if any do you see?

I don't know exactly the level of participation that the fathers have had in their lives, but

I can tell you that the fathers that with no uncertainty have participated to the best

of their ability.

The kiddo holds them, you know, with a certain level of respect.

I think that is the main difference is that when the father is involved and he's an active

participant and he's, you know, helps to guide their kiddo, you know, that young adult

will always somewhere in the back of their mind.

Here are their father's voice, along with their own internal narrative.

And I think that's the main difference is that, you know, the fathers have, you know, instilled

these, you know, I call them little golden nuggets, you know, information and guidance and

tricks, you know, that they practice.

Probably that, you know, a lot of their fathers handed down to them.

Yeah, I absolutely love that.

Here's another way and a lot of times when we talk about an absent father, we, for some reason

we automatically associate that with a physical absence.

And yes, that is most definitely an absence, a form of absence, but there's also an emotional

absence.

Yeah.

That can have just as damaging of an effect on, on a teen.

So is there anything that can be done in a situation like that to try to mitigate some

of that damage and repair the relationship and bring it to health?

The most important thing, an absent, you know, an absent father, you know, maybe it's an

emotionally absent father can do one of the most important things they can do to bring

it back and try and repair that is to, is to really try to envision what life looks like

from that through their eyes and try to imagine the feelings they're feeling, the thoughts

they're having, what their expectations are.

And then really talk to them about that and say, you know, I can tell, I know that you're

feeling anxious or I know you're overwhelmed, you know, with all the schoolwork you have

or I can tell you feel, you know, betrayed or overwhelmed, you know, whatever the feeling

is that they're having, try to try to really empathize with them and view things from their

perspective because really connection is all about emotional, and it's about understanding

the feelings and emotions that the child is feeling so that you can empathize with that

because if they see that, if they understand that, okay, now we're on the same page, you

can see it from my perspective.

I think that'll go a long way in earning the respect to repair any damage that's been

done from being emotionally unavailable in the past.

I think that's a huge gold nugget just to try to summarize it and make sure we understand

correctly, you're placing a huge value on communicating their feelings, not projecting

your own, but listening, spending a lot of time listening to their feelings and then verbally

acknowledging their feelings so that they can verify within themselves that you, you understand

you're picking up on it and you can relate to their feelings that you're actually trying

to put yourself into their shoes and understand life and their world from their lens and

that alone can go a long way in creating that bond, especially if that bond has been missing,

you can repair the damage that way that I understand it correctly.

Yeah, you hit the nail in the head, 100%, you know, dad gets me, you know, that's where we

want to, you know, bring the relationship to, you know, dad gets me, he understands.

He knows what I'm going through, he knows my feelings, he knows, he knows, you know, what

trigger those feelings and, you know, now we can work together to take next steps in life

and fostering open communication about emotions is huge.

You know, that, that, I think, is the holy grail of fatherhood.

You know, if you can, if you can be on the same page emotionally with your kids and understand

the feelings, their feeling and why they're feeling them and help them to process those

emotions and regulate them, you know, that's what parents know about as a father to the

adult.

One of the things I'm learning from my own journey, my own experience is that there is

a high value when I also communicate my own positive feelings towards my sons when I

acknowledge what they've done accomplishments.

And I think what's, what I've learned is just as important is when I acknowledge their

value and I disconnect their value from their accomplishments.

In other words, you're not valuable because I decided that you're valuable, you're valuable

because you're created.

You have your own value and, and there's nothing I can do to add or, or detract from that

value, it is who you are.

And so I am here just enjoying that, appreciating that and, and you need to know that, you need to

be aware of your value.

And there is nothing that you can do to change that value, to make it grow or to make it

less.

You are valuable the way you are.

And, and I've learned that when I do that boy, that also goes a long ways in towards that

bond.

Oh, yeah, what a, what a positive way to approach that.

I love that.

You know, I just, you know, their existence, you know, their existence is valued.

You know, they are a part of you and a very big important part of you.

You know, there's nothing that that could happen that anybody could do or say.

That's going to make you value them less sort or love them less.

There was a guest, the former guest that came on here, and it was Dr. Canfield, and she

talked about eye contact and how important eye contact is.

So I've learned that, and I'm curious what you think of the importance of asking questions,

and making eye contact when you're asking those questions, like just questions about

what's going on in their world and mixing that with eye contact.

Oh, eye contact is one of the most important forms of communication.

And you can read so much from it.

So when you're having that conversation, when you're asking a question to your, to your

child, you know, you see what happens with their eyes.

Do they go, do they go to the right?

Do they go to the left?

Do they go up?

Do they go down?

You know, do you know, are they, are they trying to, you can tell, you know, are they trying

to remember something or are they trying to fabricate something or, you know, what exactly

is, is going on and you can read a lot into their body language from how they respond

with their eyes.

But you, intently looking into their eyes gives them a sense that you're engaged and you're

present and you are not only interested in your question, but interested in their answer.

And that helps them to feel valued, helps them to feel empowered.

Like I said, it's one of the most important aspects of how we communicate.

What are some of your favorite bonding rituals with your teens?

Hmm, you know, my favorite bonding ritual with my kiddos, uh, two, one is skiing.

We'd love to go skiing as a family.

It's one of those things we look forward to every winter and it's priceless.

You know, my wife and I say that the family that skis together stays together and we're,

we like to practice that.

And I love that.

And you know, the other bonding ritual is, you know, it's a little bit unorthodox, I'd say,

or maybe not.

But we like to play video games together.

Yeah, I think it's really important for, you know, me to see what they like to do,

and for me to get into their world a little bit.

And so when we have an opportunity, you know, to all five of us, you know, get on a, a

co-op game together, you know, work together as a team, or, you know, play hide and seek, you

know, that sort of engagement in the digital world sort of lets them know that, you know, dad's

fun, you know, dad can hang.

And, you know, I think that goes a lot way, a, a, a long way in, in helping build bonds.

I really love that.

One of the things that I've learned is how valuable having a family hobby can be, things

that you all enjoy that you can just have fun doing.

Uh, in our case, one of our family hobbies is remote control cars.

Everyone has, has their own car that they like.

And when we go on vacations, but it's not just vacations.

I mean, if the weather is really, really nice, we'll just go right outside in the yard.

And, uh, we just have lots of, uh, we'll trade cars and, and switch vehicles.

Yeah, it, and it's fun.

It gets really interesting looks from other families, they'll walk by and they'll see us

having a good time and it's, it's making an impression on them as well.

So, yeah, I would, I would definitely say, don't underestimate the, the value of what a

family hobby can do for, for bringing that closeness together as a family, that joy

that you need.

Yeah, it's, I would say it's, it's up there with, uh, sitting down at the dinner table every

night.

Yeah.

And then that reminds me of that.

Are there any really good, dinner time rituals that can also help with, with bringing

that closeness?

So, one thing, you know, we try to incorporate to really foster positivity is to, is to ask

our, our kiddos to, uh, you know, give a compliment to one of their siblings or to us.

Oh, wow.

And, uh, you can feel the positivity and you can feel the love and you can feel that, you

know, we all, we all care about each other.

I mean, and the, and the other thing we can do is, you know, say, hey, you know, what, what

can we do better?

You know, this is a judgment-free zone.

We all live together.

We all want to live together half-lead and peacefully.

You know, what's one thing that I can improve on and grab that feedback.

You know, and take that in and, and work on it, you know, because it's important.

So, you know, it can bring a whole lot of information to light, something we can work on and it's

important to always be developing that trust and foster that ability to have open communication

within the family.

And the dinner table is the best place to do it for us.

My dad was in and out of my life, but, uh, one of the pleasant memories I have of him was,

was a dinner time ritual that he started and, uh, everybody was around the table and,

uh, and he, he pounded this fist on the table and he had a very stern look on his face and

everybody looked at him and wondered, uh, oh, you know, what's going on here?

And he looked at everybody and he said, I have one rule at the table and the rule is very

simple.

He said, there is to be no talking at the table doing meal times.

And then he smirked and he said, unless you either have a joke or a story.

And then he smiled and he said, I'll start and he just, and he just went off on a story

and then when he was done, somebody else had to jump in with theirs.

And let me tell you that was probably one of the most fun meal times I remember.

Oh, that's perfect.

They probably kept it so positive too.

It did.

That's great.

That's great.

I love that you have that memory.

So Kevin, how can dads connect with you or learn more about what you're doing or get

help with their teen or tween?

Sure.

Yeah.

My, uh, the website is lifecoachkeven.com.

Uh, you can also see me on Instagram at lifecoachkeven.

Uh, you can schedule a call.

We can get it on the phone and talk about what you're seeing with your kid up and talk about

what kind of results you'd like to get.

All right.

And just to make it easy, if you go to the fatherhoodchallenge.com, that's the fatherhoodchallenge.com.

If you go to this episode, look right below the episode description and I will have all

the links that Kevin just mentioned.

I'll have him posted there for your convenience.

Kevin, as we close, what is your challenge to dads listening now?

My challenge to dads listening now.

The next time you are about to have a situation with your child and they've said something to

you that you don't like when you're trying to get them to do their homework or you're trying

to get them to clean their room.

You're nagging them about something.

When they, when they say something to you, before you react, I want you to be a little

angry to take, take a minute, take 60 seconds, pause and breathe and walk away.

Wow.

And I think you'll find your child is going to do what you want them to do.

They just want not to be nagged about it and to feel like they're in control of when

they do it.

Well, Kevin, it has been an honor having you on the fatherhoodchallenge.

You've given us so many good nuggets and actionable steps that any dad can start doing

now and it's appreciated.

Thank you so much for being on the fatherhoodchallenge.

Thanks for having me, Jonathan.

It's been a pleasure.

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Fatherhood Challenge.

If you would like to contact us, listen to other episodes, find any resource mentioned

in this program or find out more information about the fatherhoodchallenge.

Please visit thefatherhoodchallenge.com.

That's TheFatherhoodChallenge.com

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