Leaning In — When You Stop Listening to Understand and Start Listening for Reassurance
What happens when your partner is hurting—and somewhere along the way, their pain starts making you feel insecure?
In this episode, we unpacked something that happened between us after Tarah had an especially difficult day.
EJ wanted to listen. He wanted to support her. He wanted to give her room to struggle without fixing it.
And for a while, he did.
But as Tarah’s sadness lasted longer and began expanding from “I had a hard day” into “I’m overwhelmed with our life,” something shifted inside EJ.
He stopped simply listening to understand her experience.
He started listening for reassurance.
Are we okay?
Are you happy with our life?
Is this about me?
When are you going to feel better so I can know we’re okay again?
That shift can happen so quietly that neither partner realizes it.
And suddenly the person who was hurting feels pressure to recover more quickly—not because their partner doesn’t care, but because their pain has started activating their partner’s own fear and insecurity.
In this episode, we talk about:
- Why it can be difficult to stay emotionally present when your partner’s pain involves you
- How supporting someone can slowly turn into waiting for them to feel better
- Why your partner can be upset with you and your relationship can still be secure
- What happens when we personalize our partner’s suffering
- How emotional capacity affects our ability to remain empathetic and curious
- Why silently disengaging often hurts more than honestly naming that you’re reaching your limit
- How the same dynamic shows up in high-desire/low-desire intimacy struggles
- Why both partners may secretly be waiting for the other person to change before they can finally feel safe
- The importance of making room for both people’s suffering
- Why couples sometimes need to develop compassion for the relationship system, not just compassion for themselves
- How resentment, transitions, parenting, intimacy wounds, and old attachment experiences can accumulate beneath what looks like a surface-level disagreement
One of the biggest ideas we discovered in this conversation was:
Notice when you stop listening to understand and start listening for reassurance.
Because once we begin needing our partner to say the “right” thing so that we can feel secure, curiosity often disappears.
We become defensive.
We try to solve.
We withdraw.
We start waiting for them to get over it.
And the person who originally needed connection can end up feeling even more alone.
This becomes especially complicated when both partners are suffering at the same time.
We talk about this through the lens of intimacy too.
The higher-desire partner may be waiting to hear:
“I want you again.”
The lower-desire partner may be waiting to hear:
“I accept you exactly where you are.”
Both people are hurting.
Both want reassurance.
And both may struggle to truly hear the other person until they feel safe themselves.
Sometimes the first step isn't solving the intimacy problem.
It's creating enough emotional space for each person to say:
“This is what this experience has been like for me.”
And for the other partner to listen without immediately defending their own chair.
❤️ Your Love Work
The next time your partner is sharing something difficult, quietly check in with yourself:
Am I still listening to understand them—or have I started listening for reassurance?
If you notice yourself becoming defensive, scared, depleted, or desperate for them to feel differently, try naming it before you disappear.
You might say:
“I really want to keep hearing you. I’m noticing that I’m starting to feel insecure and personalize some of what you’re saying. I don't want that to turn into defensiveness or make me pull away. I may need a little space, but I want to come back to this with you.”
And when both of you are struggling, try one more question:
“Can we make room for what this has been like for both of us?”
Your partner does not have to stop hurting before your relationship can be secure.
Sometimes emotional safety means learning that pain and love can exist in the same room.
Grounded in Love Retreat - Sedona Arizona October 22-25, 2026
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As always, take care of yourself and take care of each other.
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