#217 - The Friendship Conversation You've Been Avoiding (Jewel Hohman)
How to address hurt feelings, unmet expectations, and changing friendships
Have you ever been upset with a friend but decided it would be easier to say nothing? Maybe you're tired of always initiating plans, a friend made a joke that stung, or you sense that a once-close friendship is drifting. Sometimes we avoid these conversations because we don't want to make things awkward. But is staying silent actually helping the friendship?
My guest, Jewel Hohman, has spent nearly 6,000 hours coaching people on social anxiety and friendship. She joins me with a practical framework and scripts for deciding when to speak up, when to let something go, and how to have the conversation you've been avoiding.
We discuss:
- How to distinguish between an unmet need, a crossed boundary, and a passing irritation.
- Why it's important to consider whether something is a pattern or a one-time incident.
- Simple ways to tell a friend something bothered you without turning it into a major confrontation.
- How to approach a friend when you sense you're drifting apart—and why that may be the hardest conversation of all.
- Why speaking up doesn't guarantee that your friend's behavior will change.
As Jewel says, "Confrontation is truly an investment in the friendship." But that doesn't mean every disappointment needs a conversation or that every expectation we have of our friends is reasonable.
One of my biggest takeaways from this conversation is that we sometimes give up on friendships before giving our friends a chance to understand what's bothering us. We can't control their responses, but we can decide whether to speak up.
Is there a friendship conversation you've been avoiding? And would having it give that friendship a better chance?
LINKS MENTIONED:
- Jewel's "Complete Guide to Confronting Friends"
- Jewel's work with PS Society
- Episodes of Dear Nina that Jewel mentioned: #35. When You’re Putting More Effort Into a Friendship: Anna Goldfarb, #99. The 14-Day Friendship Mindset Cleanse: Anna Goldfarb, #102. Friendships Can Survive Hurt Feelings and Conflict: Shasta Nelson #118. Why Making Friends After 30 Can Feel So Hard: Julia Hotz, #202: When Friends Make Plans Without You: Danielle Bayard Jackson, #211: You Don’t Have to Be Fully Secure to Have Good Friendships: Dr. Marisa G. Franco
- My Substack post, "The Friends Who Rejected Us: Thank you"
MEET JEWEL HOHMAN
Jewel has nearly 6,000 hours of coaching focused on high-functioning social anxiety and friendship. She has been featured at conferences across the country, as well as on ABC 13, POPSUGAR, and guested on over 100 podcasts. Jewel is the Director of Programming for PS Society, a nonprofit dedicated to combating loneliness for women. Jewel is in her final year of earning her master’s in social work- with the goal of opening the first Social Prescribing Clinic in the Detroit area.
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Special thank you, as always, to my assistant producer, Rebekah Jacobs!
