Time travelers from the future keep showing up at my house to prevent me from releasing this episode, saying it destroys podcasting as a medium because it can’t be perfected beyond this point. Too bad.

This podcast is Too Cool For School (It flunked out for being tardy every week)

*flicks a cigarette at you in a cool way to get your attention* Hey kid. Ever heard of a podcast?

I just now realized everyone can see these episodes and listen to them. I need to go make some calls.

If you're looking for the bathroom you came to the wrong place. This is a podcast. It's not a physical location. Yeah, no baby changing station either. That doesn't even make sense.

This episode is actually encoded with a secret message intended for spies in the field, so it’s not supposed to make sense. If you listen to it and actually enjoy it that’s just a coincidence.

Everyone who listens to this podcast gets into heaven. We have our own little commune there. It actually sucks.

Podcasts these days are so small they fit right in your phone. Back in my day you had to know a guy with a truck and have him haul one to your house.

I'm still trying to figure out when this airs in Mountain Time. TV Guide's giving me nothing.

AI tried to ingest this episode but it made it sick and now the tech dystopia takeover is cancelled. I definitely meant to do that.

Back in the early days of this podcast, you had to listen to it through a cup attached to a string that was hidden deep in a remote forest or have it whispered to you from a disembodied voice coming out of a sewer grate. Kids have no idea how easy they have it these days.

The focus groups said this version of the episode was marginally better than my other idea which was to pretend to fall asleep until people stop listening and leave me alone.

I can't be sued for libel or slander because this episode was recorded while standing in a puddle and therefore falls under maritime law.

Purgatory Podcast Tip #41: Collect blue coins to earn 10 points. Points can be used to upgrade your weapons and armor to defeat the podcast.

This Memorial Day, don't forget those who laid down their lives in the Storage Wars.

Listen to this entire episode at .005x speed to unlock the "Slow and Steady Wins the Race" Achievement.

This episode is available in Senso-Surround 16.1 format which requires a specialized machine that shorts out all the fuses in your house and makes you have weird nightmares if you sleep too close to it.

This week's episode description is brought to you by the Ghoul of Eerie Silence, who would like to say:

Listeners who own parrots tell me they repeat what I say on my podcast and end up in jail (bird wing) which I recognize is a serious 1st Amendment violation but at the same time it's really funny that it's called "bird wing."

Because of the butterfly effect, every time I upload a new episode there's an earthquake in Indonesia. They said they're cool with it though.