EPISODES
  • Rebecca: I Slept With Tom Sandoval Too #Scandoval

    Sex, Love, Addiction, and Reality TV: The Toxic Relationships of Vanderpump Rules — Rebecca was deep in her alcohol and sex & love addiction 18 years ago when she met Tom Sandavol at a Hollywood house party, and they slept together. Despite the fact, they both were in relationships. 

    In the latest episode of Secret Life, host Brianne Davis teams up with guest Rebecca to delve deep into the intricate and toxic relationships portrayed on Bravo's Vanderpump Rules. Their critical and insightful analysis sheds light on the complex patterns of behavior and underlying issues at play, specifically focusing on the tumultuous love affair between Tom's narcissistic tendencies and Ariana. By examining the emotional dynamics and uncovering the nuances often overlooked by society, the podcast offers a serious exploration of the complexities of human relationships. From Tom and Raquel's affair to Ariana's missing the red flags, Secret Life dissects the frustrations of recovered sex and love addicts who feel that society fails to grasp the intricacies of these situations. Whether you're a devoted fan of the show or simply intrigued by the intricate dance between sex and love addiction, this thought-provoking podcast is a must-listen. 

    Check out the 40 Sex & Love Addiction Questionnaire for yourself:

    https://slaafws.org/40-questions/

    For more information about Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous: https://slaafws.org/

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    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

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    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

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    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

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    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

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    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

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    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)


    Transcript

    Brianne 0:00:00

    Okay? So I know everything that's going on, and I just have to say to all the listeners, I don't do pop culture. I don't deal with that kind of shit. But this story, and I know you agreed with me, is so frustrating from a recovered sex and love addict that nobody's calling this shit, that they both are sex and love addicts.


    Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict. A four-time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Life Podcast.


    I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. You'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really, the how, what, when, where, and why of it all.

    Oh, my God. Today. My guest is Rebecca. Now, Rebecca, I have a question for you. Don't. Don't. Don't. What is your secret?


    Rebecca 0:01:31

    I had a one-night stand with Tom Sandoval 18 years ago when he had a girlfriend.


    Brianne 0:01:38

    Son of a nutcracker. He's been doing it for a long time.


    Rebecca 0:01:42

    Almost two decades.


    Brianne 0:01:44

    Two decades. Okay, before we get into it, when did this happen? Where did it happen? What?


    Rebecca 0:01:51

    Yeah, I know. So I met him originally in Miami. I lived in New York before, and I used to go to Miami a lot. And I want to say this was 2003 or 2004.


    Brianne 0:02:02

    Okay.


    Rebecca 0:02:03

    And I was drinking very heavily. Met him at a club. I was there with my sister. And I remember it's fuzzy because I was very, very drunk.


    Brianne 0:02:12

    This is before I got sober and.


    Rebecca 0:02:14

    I met him and a bunch of his friends at a club. And we thought he was cute, so we introduced ourselves, and then he said, Come hang out with us. And I remember him popping champagne bottles and spraying it, which he still does.


    Brianne 0:02:31

    Wow. Yeah.


    Rebecca 0:02:33

    And I don't remember who else was with him, but I know that he lived with Jax at the time, so.


    Brianne 0:02:37

    He might have been there.


    Rebecca 0:02:38

    I just don't remember. I didn't know him then, so we didn't hook up with him that night, but nothing happened. So then fast forward maybe a year, and at this point, me and my sister had moved to Los Angeles. And this is like, the height of my drinking. This is one of the most drunk nights I've ever had. Like, it sticks out as really out of control. Like, very out of control. And I went to a liquor store and I remember these guys coming in and thinking I was funny because I was drunk. And then they were like, do you want to go come to a house party with us? And like an idiot, I was like, sure. And I went to this house party. I don't know whose house it was, where it was, what part of town.


    Brianne 0:03:20

    Like, no clue, no memory.


    Brianne 0:03:22

    So scary. I'm so scared for you right now.


    Rebecca 0:03:25

    I know, but it was like a legit, typical Hollywood house party with a couple of another reality star. So there was probably some celebrities or well known Hollywood people at this party. And I remember seeing Tom sort of remember and going up to him. I'm like, oh, it's Tom Sandoval. Where I met him. Miami. I remembered him because we thought he was really cute. And I guess I went up to him and was like, do you remember me and my sister? She looks like a lot like me. And he said yes. And then I guess we were talking, and I said something like, my sister thinks you're really hot. Can I bring you home to her?


    Brianne 0:04:06

    We live together.


    Rebecca 0:04:07

    Can I bring you home for her?


    Brianne 0:04:09

    Like a present?


    Rebecca 0:04:11

    Exactly.


    Brianne 0:04:13

    Here's your party favorite. Enjoy. Okay.


    Rebecca 0:04:17

    I remember going home, and me and.


    Brianne 0:04:20

    My sister had lived together at the time, but she wasn't home for whatever reason.


    Rebecca 0:04:24

    So I said something like, well, I can't let you go to waste.


    Brianne 0:04:29

    Yeah, that's a line.


    Brianne 0:04:34

    Yeah.


    Rebecca 0:04:35

    He was completely unfazed by whoever, whatever. I was like, yeah, I can't let you go to waste, so do you want to go upstairs? And he was like, yeah, sure. I just remember thinking, okay, that was easy because at the time, I treated men like conquest, and I was very into male models. Since I had lived in New York, he was just another male model. So we went upstairs, did the deed. I sort of remember either. I told him first that I had a boyfriend.


    Brianne 0:05:04

    Okay.


    Rebecca 0:05:05

    He told me that he had a girlfriend, and it was very life, matter of fact.


    Brianne 0:05:08

    No guilt about it.


    Rebecca 0:05:10

    Just like, yeah, I have a girlfriend. Oh, yeah, I have a boyfriend. And then it was sort of right before the act.


    Brianne 0:05:16

    Yeah.


    Rebecca 0:05:17

    And then we did and it didn't take very long.


    Brianne 0:05:21

    It didn't last very long.


    Rebecca 0:05:22

    It wasn't very nothing to write home about, from what I remember. And then I guess I got his number because I gave it to my sister later, which is so weird and twisted.


    Brianne 0:05:31

    So weird and twisted. Alcoholic. Yeah. Here, I just left with him. Your turn, CIS.


    Brianne 0:05:41

    Yeah.


    Rebecca 0:05:41

    I was like, sorry, life. You weren't home. But she didn't care, and so he left. And then I hadn't seen him since. I haven't talked to him. I didn't ever text him.


    Brianne 0:05:52

    Okay. So I know everything that's going on, and I just have to say to all the listeners, I don't do pop culture. I don't deal with that kind of shit. But this story, and I know you agreed with me, it's so frustrating from a recovered sex and love addict that nobody's calling this shit, that they both are sex and love addicts.


    Brianne 0:06:16

    Exactly.


    Brianne 0:06:18

    It's so frustrating. And why did you reach out to me about it? Because I want to hear it from your point of view. Because you slept with him?


    Brianne 0:06:25

    Yes, because I've been watching the show, obviously. And I actually started watching because I recognized him on the commercials after I slept with him. This was about I don't know, it was years before Vanderpump Rules. And the whole case just fascinated me for so many reasons, as it does pretty much the rest of America and so many other people beyond. And it's just so layered and it's so interesting why it's captivated so many people. Considering cheating is not an uncommon thing, especially on Bravo, especially on Vanderpump Rules. It's like what the show was based on. So I really wanted to share that aspect of it and talk about how this is a pattern life. He was just found out. But this is happening 18 years ago. And since then I got sober, I'm in slaa, I've identified as a sex and love addict. So I just see so many things that people are not really talking about.


    Brianne 0:07:27

    Yeah, and society is missing. It's almost like a secret society is keeping from our human race, because the number one thing people want is love and affection and attention and intimacy. But majority of humans are terrified of it. So we go from person to person to person. Doesn't really even matter who they are, to get this need filled. And we're all just like running around like toddlers, wanting, giving, giving. And here's an example of two people willing to blow up their whole fucking life exactly. For that little thing where they think it's everything. It's that life. Roller coaster, intensity, passion. So let's break it down. So when you are watching it, and I know you've listened to a lot of other podcasts, I mean, JLo is talking about it like, JLo, that's crazy.


    Brianne 0:08:21

    It's in Time Magazine, it's in Variety, it's in every major publication. It sort of transcended the Bravo and reality show universe. And there's a reason why I think it's relatable to so many people, but they can't quite put their finger on why.


    Brianne 0:08:36

    Yeah. So what is other podcasts saying that's making you frustrated as a recovered sex and love addict?


    Brianne 0:08:42

    I just don't think that they're touching on that aspect. I think they're more focused on it's, like black and white. It's a betrayal, obviously, but they're not going into the nuances of what Tom might be feeling or where he might be coming from, or what's going on with Raquel, what their histories and their childhoods might have been like. And one of the most interesting things about it is that Ariana, it turns out knew about Miami Girl and was protecting him. And there's just so many aspects about their relationship that I relate to in other relationships as well. Sort of the manipulation and the narcissism. Not to diagnose anyone, although it used to be a therapist. But there's just so many things that people are missing. I've heard a couple of podcasts coming at it from a psychological and intuitive empathic sort of way. But most of the podcasts are missing.


    Brianne 0:09:41

    That well, they're just ragging on them. And listen, I'm speaking from a place where I was a cheater, cheated all the time, go from person to person, overlap them. So I'm coming in from and listen, I was a piece of shit. I will say that I was in my addiction. It was all about me. Selfish, self involved, fill me up, give me attention, give me what I need. In the moment the high wore off and the excitement, I would start looking for somebody else.


    Brianne 0:10:05

    I'm familiar, right?


    Brianne 0:10:06

    So I have no judgment on Tom. And then I also know, and you and I have talked about this before a long time ago. Well, not a long time ago, but when it came out, we said, listen, poor Ariana, she is the victim, but she also has a place when someone cheats, and I know a lot of people don't agree with me when someone cheats, it takes those two people in the relationship to actually make that happen. She avoided the red flags, she made excuses, she kept a secret, a huge.


    Brianne 0:10:40

    Secret for seven years that lied about it.


    Rebecca 0:10:44

    New women.


    Brianne 0:10:44

    Yeah. So she missed those signs. And then when the intimacy is going away, which she said, our intimacy has been bad, when that starts to break, you're responsible to repair it.


    Brianne 0:11:00

    Yes, and she said she tried, but we don't really know what happened.


    Brianne 0:11:06

    Yeah, she should have. But here's the thing, then she could say, something's missing, something's going on, you're staying out late, you're not home, you're not spending that much time with me. Red flag, red flag, red flag, red flag.


    Brianne 0:11:20

    Yes. And we've all done it. We've all ignored red flags and wasted years doing that. And then we're blindsided and then we're like, what happened? But in hindsight, we can see all the red flags that were there and that we maybe willfully ignored.


    Brianne 0:11:35

    So I did read something I Want to Tell you and see your take on it, that he's a narcissist. Listen, I had narcissistic tendencies. I'm not a narcissist, but I have them. And we're not saying he is. And then she did a post a while ago, raquel that she was going to codependency twelve step program Coda. And I was thinking it's not really a Coda situation because I pulled up some of the things is that you will still see a person that's destructive to you. So there's something in her. So that's like the questions. There's 40 questions in Flaw and one of them is, do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though that person is destructive to you?


    Brianne 0:12:20

    Yeah. And she did this with James, too. I mean, James was destructive in a totally different way. But she seeks these men out that are very strong personalities and possible narcissists and manipulative. And they're very different in the way that they sort of abused her, but they both were pretty toxic for her.


    Brianne 0:12:42

    Overwhelming. She loses her sense of self in the relationship.


    Brianne 0:12:47

    Yes. And maybe she feels stronger having someone like that at her side because she's not strong on her own. She's kind of fascinating. She has a lot of oh, yeah. History. That she was adopted by her aunt.


    Brianne 0:13:05

    Abandonment, rejection from her birth mom.


    Brianne 0:13:09

    Yes. Even though she would probably deny it, because the way that she frames it is really interesting. She said something like, my birth mom was kind enough to give me to her sister, essentially because she couldn't conceive. And she framed it in a way that's a very pageant answer. And then the pageant is a whole that pageant world is a whole other animal where she competed against other women. Other women had this perfectionism, which is why I think a lot of times she seems rehearsed and very stoic and very put together, but there's nothing there.


    Brianne 0:13:49

    Well, here's number 14 is, do you feel desperate for a lover or a future mate? It's like instead of going outside this group, she went inside the circle and saw, oh, here's they have a house, they have this. This is what I want. Oh, and he's like a rock star now. Because here's the other thing I want to say. One of the huge characteristics for sex and love addicts, and I love this characteristic, it's my favorite. But we assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue them and then blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expectations. And I believe both of them do that.


    Brianne 0:14:25

    Both of them did that for him. He was the answer to his midlife crisis. She made him feel seen. She made him feel special.


    Brianne 0:14:37

    Yes, you heard and validated.


    Brianne 0:14:41

    She's very different than Ariana. Ariana will tell it like it is, and she will just be heart eyes and just very admiring of him. And that's what he needed at that time. If he is a narcissist, that's what he's going to want. He's going to want someone admiring. But does she really see him? I don't know.


    Brianne 0:15:03

    No, she doesn't. So that's the thing. Even when they're talking to each other, because you and I just looked at some of the reunion, even when they were in that winnebago or away from the set, they were talking to each other. It's almost like they weren't even seeing each other. It was really interesting to watch. It was like their eyes were glazed over. So it's almost this false form of intimacy that I was seeing that they didn't even seem like they actually knew each other or that they've had sex before. Even when people I used to work as an actor, I go on set and I would know who's fucking who life. You're fucking the hair person, you're with the extra. You're doing this because you can feel that energy. But something in them, and it wasn't because the cameras were on them, because you can still see it. Because we could see it before. There's something where they used each other for false intimacy and it's actually not there.


    Brianne 0:15:58

    Yeah, they don't really do that, too. I did. I mean, both scenes that we saw of them together, pretty much everyone is saying that it was weird, it was awkward. And I'm sure most people chalked it up to and they could chalk it up to there's cameras there. But yeah, I didn't see the connection, the intimacy, the love.


    Brianne 0:16:16

    But they've had cameras for a long time, so they're used to cameras. It's not like somebody new.


    Brianne 0:16:21

    Yeah, but it was a secret that was being exposed and finally filmed. And so I'm sure they didn't know how to act, but I didn't see any connection or intimacy, literally.


    Brianne 0:16:32

    Could you see them having an affair for seven months? I did not feel that intimacy at all. It was almost like evaporates. And I think that's what I wanted to say to you, too, and see if you agree, is when we love secrets and lies, the dirtier, the dark, we get to fester in secrets and lies. And when it comes to light, it never lives up to the fantasy.


    Brianne 0:16:56

    You could see that the magic was gone, the bubble was burst. You could see that in the trailer. It's like, oh, consequences. Now it's real life, and we're not in this little secret, exciting, forbidden bubble anymore. Now everyone else is involved and it's ugly and it's real life. And like Ariana even said, wait till she starts having real demands and expectations of a girlfriend. She's not going to be so cool and exciting then. And that was Ariana's experience. It's the same pattern repeated.


    Brianne 0:17:31

    Yeah. And listen, Ariana could have a little love addict in her. And I believe most of society has this because we all yearn to be loved. But I wanted to read this characteristic. We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. Even though we fear intimacy and commitment, we continually search for relationships and sexual contacts.


    Brianne 0:17:51

    Absolutely.


    Brianne 0:17:52

    I mean, how many stories have we I've heard much more stories about him. Been cheating a lot. Like 1112 people. So this is something where he's going into we call it relocating, where you go to other locations and you find people to intrigue with or flirt with or hook up with, and then you leave them there.


    Brianne 0:18:16

    Yeah.


    Brianne 0:18:20

    Sorry.


    Brianne 0:18:21

    No, that's okay. This is 18 years ago, and he had a girlfriend then. And then the next time I saw him, he was with Kristen. That was five or six years they lived together. Very codependent, cheating on her the whole time. And then he went right from that to Ariana. And then he cheated on her from the beginning, whether you want to call it cheating or not. Miami girl. And then I believe there are way more than two or three that he's admitting to.


    Brianne 0:18:50

    100%. I would give money on it, because what happens is this is a progressive disease. It's a thinking disease. It's actually not about the other person, we think. And it progressively gets worse. So the higher the stakes means you've been doing it a long time. And here's the stakes. It was her best friend seven months on television for them to even think. And she even said in the interview, I thought it would be okay with Ariana. I thought they would break up. Then him and I could start dating. That was my reality. And in my head, I was screaming, no, that was your fucking fantasy.


    Brianne 0:19:29

    Yeah.


    Brianne 0:19:31

    That is life. How toxic and how this disease will make you think the craziest things will work out and they won't.


    Brianne 0:19:40

    Yeah. I wonder if she thought that, because that's exactly what happened with Kristen and Ariana's overlap. Like, he came on the reunion, we didn't see this, but he had broken up with Kristen and then now he's with Ariana. And maybe she thought that their situation would play out the same way if they weren't caught. That's what would have happened. He would have broken up with Ariana, and the next reunion, they would be together next season, maybe, and everybody would just accept it eventually. That's what she thought. And I think she even said that I was living in my own little world. And even Lala also pointed out that.


    Brianne 0:20:17

    Living in fantasy, that she thought it was going to work out. I mean, even Randall, I've met him and gone in for him and castings and stuff. And it's like I smelled him from a mile away of also having this problem. Let's just get to it.


    Brianne 0:20:30

    Yeah. I think somebody said maybe it was Ariana. She said the way that he talks about her is exactly the way that he talked about me in the beginning. And so many I've looked at scenes that are almost identical of what he said about Kristen. We're not having sex. She cringes when I touch her. We were basically roommates. And he's saying the exact same things about Ariana. So it's a pattern of over. I mean, that's 15 years right there.


    Brianne 0:20:59

    Well, here's the third characteristic, and this one is going to nail ding, ding. It says furied emotional and sexual deprivation. So he felt he had emotional deprivation and sexual deprivation. We compulsively pursue and involve ourselves in one relationship after another, sometimes having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time, so that's that overlap. It's like, can't be alone. I'm empty. I'm empty. Fill me up. Give me the sexual needs. Give me the emotional needs.


    Brianne 0:21:37

    Yeah, it's life leapfrogging from one thing to another. Life I've never seen again. This is like two decades from what I've seen and from what I know of the exact same thing. I can't be alone. I can't be alone.


    Rebecca 0:21:50

    Can't be alone.


    Brianne 0:21:51

    I need that girlfriend, but I also need that excitement on the outside.


    Brianne 0:21:56

    Yeah. And here's Raquel's one. We confuse love with neediness. Physical and sexual attraction, pity or the need to rescue or be rescued.


    Brianne 0:22:06

    Yeah, with James, I guess she was trying to rescue him.


    Brianne 0:22:09

    Yeah, but here's the thing. She was trying to rescue Sandoval from his relationship with Ariana, and then she want to be rescued by him in her loneliness. And she couldn't sit within herself. And we were forgetting she hooked up with that other married guy before in Vegas.


    Brianne 0:22:29

    Schwartz.


    Brianne 0:22:31

    No, schwartz and then the one before. Yes.


    Brianne 0:22:34

    I mean, she went from Peter to Oliver to Schwartz, which I think was a decoy, set up something. It was either production or Sandoval trying to cover his tracks. Or she was trying to make him jealous. That both.


    Brianne 0:22:48

    I actually think both.


    Brianne 0:22:49

    Yeah, because he wasn't committing. I mean, I think what we're hearing is completely different than what they were talking about behind closed doors and what they had planned. Maybe. I mean, there's a theory that she was with Sandoval when she was with James and that's why she broke up with him. She broke the engagement off because it was kind of out of nowhere.


    Brianne 0:23:11

    Well, he was paying for their engagement, which is very odd, very strange. It's almost like the seeds were being planted. And it's like a type of not grooming, but a type of grooming situation where, listen, healthy people do not pick unhealthy people. I always say, when you do this work, anybody you choose right now is unhealthy because a healthy person sees those signs, sees those boundaries, and will not put up with them. So anytime someone with these behaviors, who they pick is just unhealthy? That's exactly it. Because here's the thing. Ariana did kiss him while he was with Kristen. There's a part of her that's unhealthy, and people aren't saying that. And listen, she is the victim. I feel horrible for her, absolutely terrible. But she also played out the same pattern. Yes. Not saying that.


    Brianne 0:24:12

    No, not saying that. I mean, it's interesting that she's so the victim right now. Everybody feels so bad for her. Andy did touch on it a little bit in the reunion. He said, Listen, this is a room full of cheaters. Ariana, you kissed Sandoval while he was with Kristen. And the thing is, in rewatching the show, she's never once copped to that and said, I mean, she admitted it, but she never said, yeah, that was wrong. I'm sorry, Kristen, that was wrong. That was still cheating. And by the way, I don't know if they just kissed. But even if they just kissed, that's still cheating. That's still doing the same thing that ended up kind of happening to her.


    Brianne 0:24:54

    But here's the thing. They're not saying my friend, they're not saying they had an emotional affair already. They were best friends. First of all, I don't know about you, but I don't believe men and women, if that's the sexual if that's who you're attracted to, I don't believe it's a healthy scenario to have a lot of guy friends or to have a guy best friend. No, I just don't. The energy exchange, usually somebody would fuck somebody, so it's not a real friendship.


    Brianne 0:25:23

    Agree.


    Brianne 0:25:24

    They were having an emotional affair. That's worse than kissing. That's worse. And no one's saying that.


    Brianne 0:25:32

    No one's saying that. I know it is. I mean, Kristen said that in the reunion. She said, well, you guys were having an emotional affair. And I think they kind of denied that. But it's pretty clear. I wouldn't want my boyfriend texting his friend who's really hot, who I'm threatened by at three in the morning and saying what certain things that they were saying. It's inappropriate, to say the least. And she never really owned that. Neither of them ever caught to that. We're friends, we're friends. And then he said the same thing about Raquel. We're friends. We're friends. We're dancing at the Abbey at 02:00 A.m..


    Brianne 0:26:08

    It's normal.


    Brianne 0:26:10

    No, it's not. It is not normal. Whoever you're hanging out whoever's hanging out with somebody at 01:00 A.m., that is not a healthy situation. In the dark is where things get fucked up. And here's the one I want to say, because this is the characteristic for what we're talking about, is having few healthy boundaries. We become sexually involved with and or emotionally attached to people without knowing them. Now, he could say, Ariana and I knew each other back then, and it's like, no, you didn't. You worked behind a bar. Yes, you worked together. But do you actually know the person? Probably they trauma bonded. Probably they complained about Kristen and she felt closer to him and they had this connection. Oh, my God. I can't tell you, if I hear one more person saying, oh, the connection, we were like, I've never connected to another person. I'm like that's a bunch of BS.


    Brianne 0:27:03

    Sorry.


    Brianne 0:27:04

    Yes.


    Brianne 0:27:08

    That was my alarm. Yeah. I think that she probably trauma bonded with him also because she had talked about in her last relationship, she dealt with a lot of emotional and verbal abuse, and she was talked down to and her self esteem was just obliterated. So, yeah, they probably did trauma bond over these toxic relationships that they were in. And they both said that. She said that over and over. Like, I've known him for six years. We've been friends for six years. As if that sort of or no, three years, I think it was at the time. As if that sort of overshadows the actual intimate relationship that Kristen had with him. And they acted like they knew each other on that intimate level because they were friends for three years.


    Brianne 0:27:56

    Yeah.


    Brianne 0:27:57

    And it's not the same thing. They didn't know each other that way. So they said, you don't even know.


    Brianne 0:28:04

    The person that you're with sometimes for years. My husband and I have been together for 18 years, and I still learn things about him. So if you think this overwhelming connection or you know this person, you do not you do not ever there's a part of us that is never fully yes, we're connected. I'm the most connected I've ever been, but I had years and years of therapy and work on myself and my intimacy and all of that. But Tom and Raquel or Tom and Ariana are all these scenarios. First of all, they don't know each other. You're living in an altered reality in general, on television. None of that is fucking real. I've been an actress for 20 something years. It is not real. None of it. So they all live in fantasy. And these two people, let's say, took the fantasy to the next level. And no one is calling it what it is. And now they say she's in rehab or a mental facility.


    Brianne 0:29:05

    Do you believe that? I want to know if you believe that

    Brianne 0:29:08

    I don't. Honestly, I have no idea what's going on with her. I think it's probably a good thing that she's not in the public eye right now and in everyone's face, like Sandoval is. She's not flaunting. Whatever she's doing, I mean, it's good that she's out of the public eye in a way. I don't know where she is. Life. Maybe she's at a maybe she's with her parents. Maybe she's at because she seems very reliant on them. And, um maybe she's at a spa that she's sorry. Calling a wellness resort. Maybe there's a theory that she was pregnant and so she's in hiding at her grandmother's house. I don't know. She's more of the mysterious piece for me. She's hard to read.


    Brianne 0:29:52

    It's that facade. That mask is that perfectionism.


    Brianne 0:29:56

    It's the reflection that all these men because I look.



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    40m | Jun 5, 2023
  • Best Of — Robert: Coming Out in Hollywood

    In celebration of the First Day of LGBTQ+ Pride Month, we’re re-releasing one of our Best Of episodes today. Robert Gonzalez Gant share's about coming out as a proud gay man in Hollywood and the shift that is possible for those who struggled with acceptance.

    Continuing our Best Of series, we share some of our listener favorites. The episode originally aired on August 2, 2020, as Ep #3.

    _____

    About Robert Gant - Like you, I started out with big goals and dreams for my life but little idea how to realize them. Gradually, I began to do that when I hit a crisis point. These external accomplishments weren’t addressing the low self-image from childhood that lingered internally. I remember the day many years ago when, on the steps of a beautiful home I shared with a partner, I contemplated suicide. 

    That moment set me on a decades-long path of self-improvement, success, and spiritual awakening. It fueled my desire to help others change their own lives. Along the way, I’ve stumbled, as we all do, and have learned and grown from each experience. I’m grateful, on the other side of them, to have manifested some of my greatest life visions.

    My process of waking up has included accumulating several decades of knowledge in the areas of love, romance, money, and relationships, among others. My intensive overall spiritual journey has informed my perspective about the true nature of life and how to relate to what we deal with as humans. This journey has given me some of the foundation for the work we'll do together to help you live your best life.

    I’m also a certified Trainer and Master Practitioner of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), TIME Techniques™, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), and Life and Success Coaching — all of which have impacted the way I relate to my coaching work and to the role of the subconscious mind on our life experience.

    Helping others wake up to the true nature of life and then clarify their goals and dreams and turn them into reality is one of my great passions. It’s from this place of awakened doing that an amazing life emerges. Let’s discover yours.

    CHECK OUT MORE: https://robertgant.com

    Twitter | Instagram | Facebook

    _____

    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

    _____

    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

    _____

    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)



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    27m | Jun 1, 2023
  • Best Of — Kat: I Used Men on Social Media and Sent Nudes

    Searching for attention and a means to support her daughter as a single mother, Kat put herself in situations that were not only dangerous, they prolonged and fed her alcohol and drug addiction. 

    Continuing our Best Of series, we share some of our listener favorites. The episode originally aired on March 28, 2022, as Ep #94.

    _____

    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE: addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

    _____

    Brianne's novel: SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT Check out the website: Secret Life Novel or buy on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)



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    40m | May 29, 2023
  • Best Of — Susan: I Married a Narcissistic Sociopath

    While still deep in her addiction, Susan married a sociopath and was trauma bonded with him for the first four years of her sober journey; he continued to drink daily while she focused on staying sober even through the abuse. Once she finally found the strength to walk away, her husband continued to stalk and harass her up until the day he decided to end his life. She shares her story today to help others that may be trapped in an abusive relationship or suffer from alcoholism. Her is a message of hope! Susan is a Southern California native with two grown daughters and is a recovering alcoholic that has been sober for ten years. 

    Continuing our Best Of series, we share some of our listener favorites. The episode originally aired on Feb 28, 2022, as Ep #90.

    _____

    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

    _____

    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

    _____

    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)



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    Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
    32m | May 22, 2023
  • Best Of —Joe Pt. 1: I Was a 36-Year-Old Virgin & Then I Got a Sex Surrogate

    The more Joe looked at porn, and the more deeply he got into those fantasies, the fantasy of porn became his reality, and the reality of having sex with another person became fantasy. There is so much to unpack in this episode. You’ll hear how through therapy, Joe discovered the hidden reasons for his sexual anorexia and how he overcame those fears and found himself with a sex surrogate. 

    Continuing our Best Of series, we're sharing some of our listener favorites, including our good friend, Joe. This episode originally aired on March 7, 2022, as Ep #91.

    Surrogate Partner Therapy is a form of therapy based on the successful methods of Masters and Johnson. In this therapy, a client, a therapist, and a surrogate partner form a three-person therapeutic team who together work to understand and resolve difficulties that a client is experiencing in their lives. The surrogate participates with the client in structured and unstructured experiences that are designed to build client's self-awareness and skills in the areas of physical and emotional intimacy. These therapeutic experiences include partner work in relaxation, effective communication, sensual and sexual touching, and social skills training.

    What surrogacy is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIc70zBY3SY

    Surrogate partner website: https://www.surrogatetherapy.org/

    UPDATED: Here's an anonymous article Joe wrote about his experience. There are more juicy details as well:

    https://www.thedoe.com/narratives/my-surrogate-partnership-experience

    _____

    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    _____

    TOPICS IN THIS EPISODE INCLUDE virgin, sex surrogate, surrogate partners, porn addiction, addiction, love and sex addiction, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, behaviors, self-care, self-love, and courage.

    _____

    Brianne's novel: SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT Check out the website: Secret Life Novel or buy on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)



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    47m | May 15, 2023
  • Best Of - Jana Kramer: Compare & Despair

    It doesn't matter how successful you are, how much money you make, or what you look like, Compare and Despair can and will bring you down. Jana and Brianne talk about how Compare and Despair thinking is pervasive and dangerous. It can contribute to anxiety, depression, shame, and envy, leading to self-criticism and a lack of self-worth. It rapidly undermines any confidence.

    ________

    If you or anyone you know is struggling with an addiction, depression, trauma, or sexual abuse, we've compiled a list of resources at https://secretlifepodcast.com.

    If you'd like to share your secret on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to secretlifepodcast@icloud.com.

    _____


    To find out more information about Brianne's book Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex & Love Addict, check out the website: https://secretlifenovel.com or At Amazon

     

    Our Guest: JANA KRAMER

    Jana Kramer is a country music singer and actress who has starred on One Tree Hill, Friday Night Lights, and the 2012 season of Dancing with the Stars. Kramer began her musical career in 2012 and has released two albums: Jana Kramer and Thirty On

    To connect with Jana Kramer:

    Website: https://janakramer.com

    The Good Fight Book: https://janaandmike.com

    Whine Down Podcast: https://janakramer.com/podcast

    Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kramergirl/

    Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/janakramermusic

    Twitter: https://twitter.com/kramergirl

    ______

    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

    _____

    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)



    Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

    Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
    30m | May 8, 2023
  • Best Of — Jim Clemente: From Child Sex Abuse Victim to FBI Profiler

    Celebrating our 150th episode, we're sharing some of our listener favorites, starting with our good friend, Jim Clemente. Unfortunately, his story is all too common, as we see with recent news of the Baltimore Catholic Church, so incredibly prevalent still.

    This episode originally aired on April 19, 2021 as Ep #45.

    What would you do if you came face to face with the man that molested you when you were a teen? When Jim Clemente walked into the Bronx home of his former summer camp director, it wasn’t for old time’s sake. The twenty-something Clemente was wearing a wire. Federal agents and an NYPD detective were listening in.

    And his old camp boss, Michael J. O’Hara, was showing Clemente pictures of kids he’d molested — just like he’d abused Clemente a decade prior. Clemente had convinced the predator he was a kindred spirit and had to keep his cool, or the criminal case being built against O’Hara — a Boy Scout leader, Catholic school teacher and youth-basketball coach believed to have sexually abused hundreds of kids — would fall apart. (Excerpt from New York Post Article)

    _______

    In April of 2021, President Biden announced National Child Abuse Prevention Month. He calls upon all Americans to protect our Nation’s greatest resource — its children — and to take an active role in supporting children and parents and creating safe communities filled with thriving families.

    For more information on what you can do: https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/preventing/preventionmonth/

    _____

    At least 1 in 6 men have been sexually abused or assaulted. If you’re a man who has experienced sexual abuse or assault, you’re not alone.

    https://1in6.org is there to support you in your path to a happier, healthier future.

    _____

    Jim Clemente is a retired FBI Supervisory Special Agent/Profiler and former New York City Prosecutor. During his 22-year career with the FBI, he investigated cases from bank robberies to serial killers. He also investigated public corruption in the White House, white collar and violent crime, and has worked as an undercover agent posing as everything from a street beggar to a broker on Wall Street. For over a decade, he was an FBI Profiler investigated violent and sexual serial crimes. He is an internationally recognized expert in the fields of sex crimes and abduction/homicides. Today he is the Founder/CEO of XG Productions, a cross-platform development and production company. He co-hosts the WONDERY podcasts: REAL CRIME PROFILE, BEST CASE WORST CASE. and hosts LOCKED UP ABROAD. He is a Writer/Producer for Criminal Minds and The Case Of: JonBenet Ramsey on CBS, as well as the Co-Creator of Manhunt: Unabomber on NETFLIX. He also Executive Produced the upcoming series: TRUTH & JUSTICE and COLONIAL PARKWAY MURDERS on OXYGEN Network. Clemente authored his first novel, WITHOUT CONSENT, based on his true story and co-authored the non-fiction Audible series, EVIL HAS A NAME.

    To connect with Jim Clemente: Twitter | Instagram | Facebook | Real Crime Profile | Best Case Worst Case | XG Productions

    ____


    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction or depression, we've compiled a list of resources on the Secret Life Website: https://secretlifepodcast.com


    To share your secret and be a guest on the show, email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com


    To find out more information about Brianne's book Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex & Love Addict, check out the website: https://secretlifenovel.com or at Amazon

    _____

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?

    Connect with Brianne Davis

    Connect with Mark Gantt



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    26m | May 1, 2023
  • Karen: Recovery From Growing Up in an Alcoholic Home

    Karen shares her powerful story of growing up in an alcoholic home and the impact it had on her life, including her struggle with emotional suppression and disconnection. Tune in to hear Karen's journey towards healing, self-discovery, and finding peace within herself. She offers insightful advice for those dealing with addiction in their lives and emphasizes the importance of seeking support and approaching these situations with curiosity and compassion. This podcast is a must-listen for anyone looking to overcome past traumas and experiences and connect with themselves and others on a deeper level.

    _____

    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    ABOUT OUR GUEST:

    Karen Maloney

    “Your life is like a mirror reflecting your beliefs to you.” 

    Life wasn’t always how it is now. To many people I may look and appear the same, but INSIDE I feel like a completely different person. Just like a computer, I’ve installed a whole new operating system. I’ve deleted old files & replaced them with new programs instead (i.e. habits, beliefs, thoughts etc) and revolutionised my internal world, shifting the way I think and what I believe about myself. Everything comes from within – ‘as within, so without’. It’s been life-changing for me and I know it can be the same for you!

    Now I can see CLEARLY that for most of my life I lived in the baseline energy of fear. I lived my life in ‘freeze’ mode. I felt disassociated, unsafe, anxious and I felt awkward being myself. I judged myself harshly (always trying to be perfect!) and my brain went a 100 miles and hour. But for the most part I never realised there was anything wrong with that. It was my ‘normal’. I thought it was a sign of my ambition and drive. Out of an unconscious fear, I lived from the level of my mind. I thought if I can think, plan, control and rationalise everything in my mind, I would be safe. That need for control provided me with a sense of safety and security inside, that I didn’t feel in the external world. But it also lead to burnout. Find out MORE: Soulpowerlight.com

    Curiosity & Consciousness Podcast

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

    _____

    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

    _____

    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)


    Transcript

    [0:00:00] Karen: Often a child who grew up in an alcoholic home can have difficulties with trust, with identifying, expressing feelings. And they either go one of two ways totally controlled, or feeling like they have no control over their life. This is 1 million% describing me.


    [0:00:23] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex & Love Addict. A four-time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave, or, you know, those light or funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really.


    [0:01:23] Brianne Davis: The how, what, when, where, why of it all. Today. My guest is Karen. Now, Karen, I have a question for you. Dun dun dun. What is your secret?


    [0:01:37] Karen: I grew up in an alcoholic home. And actually, the impact that it had on me that I totally did not connect the dots to that at all.


    [0:01:48] Brianne Davis: Like the denial of what living in an alcoholic home does to you.


    [0:01:53] Karen: Yeah, well, I don't even because there's so many different I suppose that word was never used. It wasn't a thing. It wasn't as if my dad was out all day every day and coming home drunk and crawling havoc and messing up the place and all this kind of thing. No, he totally worked all day, but he went out every single night and came home, particularly when I was a child, I remember him coming home drunk, like, absolutely obliterated, and I hated it. And I always just wanted to be in bed and I would be like, oh, please don't come in and wake me up. Because sometimes he would he'd come in and he'd wake me up and that's when he'd be like, oh my God, I love you so much. profusing his undying love. And sometimes he passed out as well. With life an arm over me. And as a child, I was just terrified.


    [0:02:41] Brianne Davis: So terrifying. That overwhelming. It's almost like when a family member would do that, it was like you didn't know what to do with all that energy coming at you.


    [0:02:53] Karen: Yeah, and that's when I literally stopped breathing. Because as a child and before the age of seven, we're literally in PETA. We've been programmed. It's like we're in a hypnotized state again. I'm looking back now as a journey of discovery and healing and connecting all the dots, but I didn't know this at the time. But that's when I stopped breathing, I'd be so terrified. I went into freeze mode because even my dad, if he passed out with his arm over me, I would stop breathing because I'd be like, I don't want to wake him, because if he starts producing his love again, the smell of drink, it's just not cool for a child. And I live my life in that freeze mode.


    [0:03:39] Brianne Davis: Like, you would realize you were holding your breath.


    [0:03:43] Karen: And especially if I felt triggered or vulnerable or particularly when it came to relationships and opening up and expressing feelings and emotions, life, I just did not do that. I was a closed book. And if ever I felt in that space of needing to open up, I would go in that freeze mode. It was like, stop breathing. Shut down. Yes.


    [0:04:05] Brianne Davis: I want to ask you, so I've taken breath class. As an actor, you work with your breath and all. My teacher told me that I breathe just in my chest, and I didn't connect my breath to my belly. And the lower area, is that how you life? I guess I was disconnected too.


    [0:04:25] Karen: Yeah, upper chest breathing. Because I've studied a lot and done a couple of courses while on breath work. And that upper chest breathing, is that really kind of panic, fight or flight you're passing extra cortisol you're in fight or flight, essentially. You're not in that rest or digest, like, full, deep, diaphragmic breaths that allow oxygenated blood to pass around your body. So, yeah, it does have an impact. But it's so funny because recently I joined Alanon, and honestly, by joining there and that's through another episode of a person close to me drinking. And I was just like, oh, my God. Even with all my skills, all my tools, all my practices, I couldn't cope. It was really triggering me. So I was like, oh, my God, I need help here.


    [0:05:12] Brianne Davis: Wait, let's not jump ahead, though. Wait, let's go back. I have a couple of questions. Okay. You're like, I know exactly what I want to say, but no. When your household was in that state so he drank every night. He was a functioning alcoholic. It sounds life.


    [0:05:27] Karen: Now you can look back and go, yeah, absolutely. Because he was up every morning, went to work.


    [0:05:31] Brianne Davis: Yeah. And that's the hardest ones to diagnose. If your life is not falling to pieces, it's hard to be like, oh, I have a problem.


    [0:05:39] Karen: Yeah.


    [0:05:40] Brianne Davis: So was there a word you guys used for when he was in that state, or was it just not talked about?


    [0:05:46] Karen: No, like I say, it was not mentioned. That word was never brought up. It was never an issue. It was just like and honestly, when I look back, I didn't see it as an issue. I didn't think, oh, my God, my dad goes out every night. It was just like a normal as far as I knew, it's what everyone did.


    [0:06:04] Brianne Davis: Wait and where are you from?


    [0:06:06] Karen: Ireland.


    [0:06:06] Brianne Davis: Ireland, that's it. You're Irish, right? But I'm Irish too and it's like a lot of people I hear say, well, Irish just drink a lot. Like it's our culture, it's the society we were raised in. Yeah.


    [0:06:19] Karen: And it definitely was part that. But I could see as well, it was probably his bit of a wind down his sanctuary where he met his buddies and they all catched up, caught up, but also when it's every single night of the year. The only two nights he didn't go out was Good Friday because the pubs were closed during Christmas Day because the pubs were closed and I do not remember a single day when he did not go. That's just how it was. But like I'm saying, it was just so normalized and I think this is what happens a lot in trauma or whatever kind of situation. They're just so normal. You don't see that there's any issue. They're just like your blind spots and those particularly coming home life really drunk and kind of waking us up in the middle of the night to tell us he loves us so much, in that I remember that happening literally a handful of times. But when I was really young, like five, six, seven, maybe around that age, it didn't happen as we got older, but he still went out. But it happened enough times for me to live my life in a programmed state of that not feeling safe, that fear, that living in freeze mode, shutting down. That's what we do.


    [0:07:40] Brianne Davis: You're supposed to rely on, is not in a healthy state. So the boundaries are crossed. Like your boundaries were crossed as a little girl. A father should not be climbing in bed and passing out drunk with his arm over his daughter. Is that when you had that AHA moment? Because you had it after we talked, right? Like we talked on your podcast. So how did that AHA moment realize, I know you have another family member that's also an alcoholic. Can you connect all those dots when this moment of AHA happened for you?


    [0:08:13] Karen: Yeah, my AHA moment when it all connected and I really saw the impact that those events had on me was like I mentioned, just another family member and just me not being able to cope and I was like, oh hell, I need help here.


    [0:08:30] Brianne Davis: And did something happen with the other family member? Did the person bottom out or just.


    [0:08:37] Karen: Every now and again they're just not in a good place, don't have healthy supportive habits. So it's just kind of like, well, I don't give a shit anyway, so I'm just going to go and get obliterated and maybe on a weekly Davis would just be obliterated and awake all night and singing and Wake Me up and I'm just like, what the fuck? So I was just life, oh my God, I need help here. Because obviously again, that's a coping mechanism and they're not ready to do anything else. But it was really triggering me more than anything else because, like, that I have so many tools and skills of and have been on this journey. So I reached out to Alanon and it's so funny because obviously there's so many groups, but it's not funny because there's no such thing as coincidence. But I ended up joining a group called growing up in an Alcoholic Home. And even though looking at it, I was life. Yeah, but that's not really the truth because you have this idea that Narcolic is drunk all day every day and calls him mayhem, which happens.


    [0:09:35] Brianne Davis: But I was grown up and well, they call Alanon, just so anybody's listening, you don't have to have a drunk parent to be an Alanon. I also went to Alanon. Neither of my parents were drinkers, but it was a dysfunctional family. So they say Alanon's for alcoholic or dysfunctional family, or if you have a.


    [0:09:52] Karen: Relative or friend, they say, yeah.


    [0:09:57] Brianne Davis: Well, they're another addiction. Like, my mom is a workaholic. She'll say that other family members had problems. But yeah.


    [0:10:04] Karen: So this group jumped out at me and at first I was like, no, I'm not going to join that one. I didn't really grow up in the Melcolic home, but then I was like, because this was a Friday and I was like, I really want to just join now. So this was a Saturday morning, so it was the next day. So I was like, yeah, I'm just going to join it. And oh my God. On their opening paragraph, even they describe this adult child and they describe this person who as a child, if they grew up in an alcoholic home and if they often felt either physically unsafe or psychologically unsafe, and that was obviously me, psychologically unsafe.


    [0:10:44] Brianne Davis: When a parent crosses a line that is just unsure and not normal, which happened to me, I wasn't as sexually abused by a parent, but there was some line crossing where boundaries that is inappropriate for a child. So if you're out there and something has happened where you're like, well, it wasn't sexual abuse, but it definitely made me really uncomfortable as a child. It was too intimate and it was emotionally a meshing and physically meshing a little bit. You're okay to say something happened and I'm uncomfortable, even if it wasn't sexual? I just have to say that because it was so hard for me doing the work to be like, but nothing sexual happened. And my therapist would be like, no, it was inappropriate at six years old for this to happen to you. So I just have to say that because I had the hardest time admitting that to myself.


    [0:11:35] Karen: Yeah, no, for sure, you're right. And it does make sense, as I say, although I didn't feel physically unsafe. Of course it makes sense. Like you say, yes, absolutely. Boundaries were crossed that's just not normal behavior, definitely, but, like, that it was more a psychological effect for me and how I life. But they had this paragraph on an adult child and how it impacts them, how often a child who grew up in an alcoholic home can have difficulties with trust, with identifying, expressing feelings. And they either go one of two ways total control or feeling like they have no control over their life. And I swear to God, my jaw dropped on the ground because I was like, this is 1 million% describing me and how I operated in my life. I was a total and not sure control freak because I suppose I didn't feel safe. So I had this story. And again, this was all unconscious at the time. This is through the inner work and the uncovering that my story that I was telling myself was if I could control everything outside of myself, I was safe.


    [0:12:39] Brianne Davis: Yeah.


    [0:12:40] Karen: And we obviously can't live that way. It's exhausting. We can control nothing.


    [0:12:44] Brianne Davis: I was saying I love power and control because that's the only thing I felt, because I felt so not in control of everything. And you can't yeah, you can't go through life trying to have power and control over anyone.


    [0:12:56] Karen: No, but I did. But more so, even over myself. And it was overanalyzing. It was overly critical. I was overly independent. Like, I was just like, I'll do it all myself. I don't want anyone to help me. I didn't want to ask for help. Life just that pure perfectionism. And that just feeling uncomfortable being myself. And a lot of people do it, but that editing, altering, censoring ourselves in order to be liked, to be accepted by others. And again, it wasn't conscious to me at the time. I wasn't going around going I was the most disingenuous person ever. No, I was completely oblivious. I just felt so unsafe and unconnected and uncomfortable being me that this is just what I did.


    [0:13:40] Karen: And I see I carried so much embarrassment. I really had so much underlying shame and embarrassment, and I was afraid to be seen. I didn't want to be seen. Why were you hired?


    [0:13:52] Brianne Davis: Can you explain?


    [0:13:54] Karen: I was embarrassed because if and I remember, I didn't like having friends staying over purely for the fact I was like, oh, my God, imagine if they stayed and he came in in the middle of night, waking us up, saying all this shite. I was just, like, so embarrassed.


    [0:14:08] Brianne Davis: Right?


    [0:14:09] Karen: And that's really where it came from. It was just that pure embarrassment of having someone over and seen this behavior or feel behavior that stuck with me. And still at times, because sometimes our wounds, they're always there. No matter the healing we do, we get triggered. And even recently, life last week, I was meditating on the couch in the sitting room, and next thing I heard my brother coming in, and I got really embarrassed. I was like, oh my God, I'm going to stop. But I've done it so much now it's in that moment going, no, that's an old story.


    [0:14:45] Brianne Davis: That's life. Life.


    [0:14:46] Karen: And I just stay there, I'm safe, all is good. Who cares if he sees me? Life, let him think what he wants. It's totally fine.


    [0:14:56] Brianne Davis: Has this affected your romantic relationships?


    [0:15:00] Karen: Totally, yeah. And again, it was all unconscious. But now I can see how and just to say before I go into this, that AHA moment was joining that group and actually seeing because just connecting the dots and it's just like all the cards fell and it was like, oh my God. That really did have that much of an impact on me because it crossed my mind before and I was like that's when I stopped breathing. But I kind of thought that was it. But no, it was everything in how I was. And because that feeling of not being safe or being afraid to be myself, wanting to kind of hide and being that control freak and perfectionist and overly independent, that obviously put me in my masculine energy. I lived in my masculine energy.


    [0:15:53] Brianne Davis: Me too.


    [0:15:56] Karen: Which again, when I saw that I was like, oh my God, we're so blind.


    [0:16:01] Brianne Davis: But that's the thing. I think a lot of women go to the masculine energy when they feel unsafe. As a child, when you have to walk on eggshells with someone in your household at such a young age, not knowing what you're going to get, if it's a rager, if it's drinking, if it's overly infectionate, all that stuff, you usually turn to the masculine energy because it shuts you down and it protects you.


    [0:16:23] Karen: Well, it kept me in my head. I was totally disconnected from my body. I lived from the level of mind that thinking, planning, doing. Like if I could think every aspect of us, it's going to be fine, I could control us, I could think my way out of things, overanalyze and.


    [0:16:38] Brianne Davis: Figure it out completely, which doesn't burnish.


    [0:16:43] Karen: Because you cannot live there. But again, it was so normal to me because I'm a really ambitious and driven person and I thought my constant striving and pushing and hustling and efforting, I thought that was a sign of oh, that's a sign of my ambition. Like, I didn't see that it was so detrimental. So because I lived at that masculine energy, I obviously was attracting people who were men, who were more in their feminine and who just couldn't hold space to me because energy always has to balance. And again, I was just such a closed book. I just couldn't open, I couldn't express. I was life just kind of numb inside. I was just like, oh, shut down. So totally. Yeah, it impacted everything, but especially relationships. And like, that not even just intimate. Even some of my closest relationships with friends. I remember years and years ago we were on holidays and a friend of mine, one of my best friends, even said to me, she was just like she's just like, who are you? I just don't even know who you are. You don't share.


    [0:17:48] Karen: And I was like, oh, my God.


    [0:17:50] Brianne Davis: How long did you have this friendship? How long were you guys?


    [0:17:52] Karen: Oh, we've been friends since primary school.


    [0:17:55] Brianne Davis: Wow. To have somebody that you've known that long be life, who are you? Yeah, because I were never completely available.


    [0:18:04] Karen: Not on an emotional level. Never. I was terrified. I didn't know how to speak about emotions. I didn't know how to express feelings. I didn't know how because, again, one of what happened. But two, we're not taught that inside society. We're not taught how to process emotions, how to feel them, how to release them. So, yeah, it was that. And actually oh, my God, this is so awful that I remember, like, an early boyfriend as well, who I really, really liked and like, that I liked him so much. I was terrified. Again, that fear of being yourself. I was like, Fear of fear. But even more, it was how I acted, what I said. I just had this fear of he doesn't life me because I like him so much.


    [0:18:46] Karen: So it's that editing that constantly not feeling comfortable in yourself, to just be yourself. It's trying to be that perfect person. And I remember at one stage and we were going out and I remember one day he gave me a big hug. We just met and he gave me a big hook. And he was like, I don't know what's wrong with you? He's like, It's like you're dead inside.


    [0:19:08] Brianne Davis: What age?


    [0:19:10] Karen: Oh, my God. I was like, early teens, late teens, late teens.


    [0:19:13] Brianne Davis: Like 1617?


    [0:19:15] Karen: Yeah, probably 1718.


    [0:19:17] Brianne Davis: Wow.


    [0:19:18] Karen: Like, around that age. Those kind of comments obviously don't help a person to try.


    [0:19:25] Brianne Davis: Were you confused or did you brush it off? Did you guys? What happened after that? I'm just curious.


    [0:19:31] Karen: Yeah, well, obviously, we kind of still went out for a bit, but obviously, it didn't go very far. But as I got older, I was more curious. I was like, Why? Because, again, like I'm saying, this was all unconscious. I didn't connect.


    [0:19:49] Brianne Davis: It's those secrets that we keep from ourselves. We are crazy.


    [0:19:54] Karen: And that's why the inner work is going within. Because what we carry unconsciously to ourselves are our blind spots. So, yes, I had a curiosity and I was like, what's wrong with me? Why can't I feel this huge joy and kind of safety and things like that? That's what led me on my path of healing and discovery and intimacy.


    [0:20:15] Brianne Davis: I know, but what you just said was really important. When you dead in the feelings of not being wanted or not being enough or scared of intimacy or being loved and all that, you dead in everything. That's what my therapy you dead in the joy. You don't get to pick and choose what emotional you don't actually feel all of them.


    [0:20:36] Karen: And you know what's even funny? I remember that's why Brennan Brown's talk, the Power of Vulnerability is one of my favorite ever. It is brilliant. And I remember when I first watched that, probably in 2015 or 2016, I was going out with a guy and he was going through different issues or whatever, and he was a bit shut down, obviously, as well. But again, I was totally unconscious. And I remember I watched that Ted Talk and my mind was blown. And she literally says that at the end, she was like, you can't pick and choose emotions. If you're shut down to one, you're shut down to all of them.


    [0:21:13] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I heard that twelve years ago. And it just blew my mind when she said that, because I was like, wow. That's why I feel like I never am fully joyous, because I was so dead. And I didn't want to feel anything because as an addict, I don't want to feel anything. Like, I just want to feel euphoria. 24/7. If I can't feel that, I don't want to feel anything else.


    [0:21:33] Karen: But I remember watching that mind blown. Loved it. But then I was like, that's what's wrong with my boyfriend, trying to get him to watch it. And it just blows my mind now, because again, it's that thing of everything as a reflection. It's not outside of us, it's something within us as well. But again, I was so unconscious. And it even makes sense now as well, because I traveled for years after university and life, you're saying there as well. I just couldn't feel the full expression of anything. I was just pretty much like, pretty numb to everything. And people you'll be watching this incredible sunset and people are like, oh my God, it's so incredible. Newly cried. And I'm like, yeah, it's ground, like.


    [0:22:12] Brianne Davis: Trying to set like, can we go now?


    [0:22:14] Karen: Yeah. Trying to kind of fake this, going, oh, yeah. And I'm like going, how are they getting so excited about this? I'm like, It's beautiful, but I just can't feel it. Whereas now I'm that person that I'm like. I'm like crying at the sunset, going, oh my God, it's so beautiful. Nature is so powerful, but I just live my life numb. And again, I just wasn't even aware.


    [0:22:36] Brianne Davis: Can I just say, too, it was really fascinating when you said about the boyfriend, and I just want to point out, and I always love to take these things because they're tips. Like, if anyone's listening and you keep picking that unavailable person, and it's because something in you is unavailable. You pick those people because you're unavailable. And that's when you go inward. Life, you said you have to do the inner work. If there's drama or you're not feeling what everybody else is feeling, usually there's something we're cut off from.


    [0:23:05] Karen: Yeah, and that's exactly why they say everything does start from within. If we can't feel the full expression of love, of joy, of whatever within us, first and foremost, nothing outside of us can make us feel it. Yes, they can augment it, they can make it bigger, but they cannot make us feel anything that we do not or have activated within ourselves first. So that's why it's all from within. It all starts from within everything. If it's not happening on the external, it's because of something that we hold within a limiting belief, a subconscious pattern, something. And that's why through my own journey and all my learnings and all these AHA like faceplant moments going, oh my God, how could I be so blind? But that's part of the journey. It's not when you have these uncoverings, it's not to get even harder on yourself. It's kind of to be like, oh, well, now I know. Now I've got something.


    [0:23:58] Brianne Davis: Now you're gentle, you have compassion and empathy, saying, oh, these are the things that happen. This is why I'm the way I am. And now I need to work on them because you can't carry around that baggage through your life or you're responsible for your behavior now that you know. But here's the thing, and I want to ask you, I want to get back to now there's a person in your life. Is your father still around? I wanted to ask.


    [0:24:22] Karen: No, he passed away ten years ago this year of cancer. But obviously it was all connected. And it's funny, actually, he mentioned to me close to the end, he said to me one day, he was like, you know what, Karen? I always thought I was an alcoholic and the drink would kill me. And he was like, and here I am with cancer. But it was cold on cancer. So there was obviously a connection.


    [0:24:47] Brianne Davis: Now you are dealing with someone in your life that is drinking a lot, right?


    [0:24:53] Karen: Yeah. On a weekly basis, kind of going.


    [0:24:57] Brianne Davis: So how are you dealing with that? How are you taking care of yourself now that you know this journey and you know what you've been through and you have the tools and you're with other people like mine going through the same thing. How? Karen, you dealing with someone you care about having the same disease, and it's.


    [0:25:15] Karen: Hard the closer the person is to you because you want to. And especially when you've been on a healing journey, you want to share all these tools and everything. I know, right?


    [0:25:25] Brianne Davis: And they're like, no, I'm not interested. Leave me alone. That happens to me on a daily basis. It's the most heartbreaking when you're like, no, it's heartbreaking the way you can be better. You don't have to be living like this. And they're, like, not interested.


    [0:25:37] Karen: Yeah, totally. And that's a really hard part. But it's about making peace with that as well. And I suppose for me now, for years, I have so many daily practices. Like it is my jam to be meditating, to be praying, to be doing yoga, to be conscious all day, every day, that is me. And even more so when I feel triggered in this particular situation. But also it was that extra level of me reaching out to get help from Alanon and be in a like minded group of people who are experiencing the same, to just be able to share because a word you mentioned there as well. When you go on this healing journey and really connect back to yourself, you gain so much compassion for yourself going, wow. It's that thing of when we know better, we do better. But that compassion. Again, like I said before, we have to activate things within ourselves. So the fact that I activated it within myself, for myself, I actually extend that to others. So even to my dad, I have huge compassion for him because I'm like, shit, I don't know what was going on in his life.


    [0:26:39] Brianne Davis: Yeah, what he went through, you have no idea. It's that empathy that we get to have now because we see that we're all going through something nobody does. Hurt people, hurt people and people are trying to function. But yeah, you look at it from a different angle, totally.


    [0:26:55] Karen: And I don't think anyone is innately bad, so I do that as well in this situation. And also it's the bigger picture of the higher consciousness that we are a soul, we are a spirit having a human experience. And I'm life just because I think it's bad or it's wrong or it's not the best way. I don't know what another soul is here to experience and to go through and it's just to try, hold, to look after myself. But to hold that space of compassion and love and be just like look, I know you're going through a difficult time. I'm here. Please let me know if I can do anthem. But I also know it's your journey and I fully love you. And giving them that space as well, I think is huge. And I know for us it's made a massive difference because although it hurts and it pains, again, it's not my life. Everyone's here to experience their own things and again, I know it's because of something else that's going on and they know as well. And when they're ready to look at another way, then it'll be their time and it's being okay with that. And I think that's the full truth of awakening, of responsibility, it is that making peace with everyone and anyone, however they're living their life, it's like, okay, maybe it's not my choice, but I don't want to take my anger or because you're not meeting my expectations out on you. That's my piece to deal with. If I am triggered, because that's what they say, nothing can affect me unless I have an unhealed wound within me, unless it's touching something within.


    [0:28:24] Karen: Me. So it's that constant invitation, and that's the way I looked at it. I'm like, it's an invitation for me to go deeper into my work. And I am so grateful. And I've said this to him as well. I'm like, oh, my God. I'm so grateful, actually, that you're going through this phase, because it has pushed me to go deeper within myself. And now I've connected with this whole community that I am growing and learning so much. And I'm like, oh, my God. And it is helping him. He's like, wow, that's really interesting. And he's starting to look for other avenues in that. So we just never know. And it's really hard the closer someone is. But it's not about getting anger, calling, just telling them to get their shit together and stop being such an asshole or whatever.


    [0:29:08] Karen: And that's really hard. But it's always our work. It's always our piece.


    [0:29:12] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I 100% agree. And I love talking to you. We could talk forever. But I have one more question before we go. If someone is dealing with an alcoholic or an addict and they don't know how to have a relationship or move forward, what would be your last bit of advice that you wish you would have heard a long time ago? Yeah.


    [0:29:35] Karen: Well, again, I suppose because it depends where you're at in your journey, because for so long, I was so unconscious, I didn't even see the connection. So curiosity is such an incredible tool. Like, if we live a life of curiosity and more curiosity about ourselves, why am I getting so angry? What is it touching within me? Why am I you know, can I not hold a space of.



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    32m | Apr 24, 2023
  • Kevin: I’ve Had a Severe Perfectionism Complex For Decades

    Do you ever feel like you’re constantly trying to be perfect and never quite reaching it? Then don’t miss the latest episode of Secret Life! We’re diving into the complicated world of perfectionism and its impact on our lives. Join us as we chat with Kevin E. West about his journey of learning to accept his imperfections and combatting perfectionism. Find out how to find peace, relaxation, and balance in your life, and learn valuable lessons about self-love, acceptance, and appreciation! Listen to Secret Life for an inspiring and thought-provoking conversation you won’t want to miss.

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    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

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    Guest: KEVIN E. WEST

    Kevin E. West is both a Hollywood veteran television actor and a bad-ass Keynote speaker with over 65 plus credits including Guest Stars on Hawaii 5-0, Criminal Minds, Aquarius, Bones, Castle, Touch, CSI: Miami, Justified, Leverage, Lost, 24, Desperate Housewives, NCIS, Alias, CSI, Judging Amy, all the way back to Matlock and dozens more found on IMDB. In the Summer of ’18 Kevin wrapped shooting on, The UnHealer, starring Lance Henriksen and Natasha Henstridge. Kevin has been a public speaker since 1991, with more than 1500 appearances and began his career as a Stand-up Comic and Improv artist.

    Kevin, is also a bad-ass walking paradox – being equal parts creative Pisces and redneck third-baseman tough. Sure, Kevin has spent three decades working in Hollywood but his humble beginnings looked far more like Tom Sawyer at 12 starring in the movie, Deliverance. From the rural woods outside of Nashville (’69) to shooting Emmy-Award Winning television shows, with multiple accents, Kevin speaks unabashedly from his core about the importance of clear communication, proper preparation and the core of your skills.

    In November of 2019, Kevin’s third book was published, by TitleTown publishing. Politics…in a Word is a companion book in the Gift Book series entitled Kevin’s Dictionary. The original publication, Kevin’s second book, is Life…in a Word which was published in the fall of 2018. Life…in a Word is a creative, unique, poignant and endearing perspective at how we define a word based on a vignette of life. Both of these publications follow Kevin’s initial author effort, 7 Deadly Sins: The Actor Overcomes, published in June of 2016 and is an expert educational culmination of Kevin’s 30+ years of expertise in the business of show business, for actors.

    When Kevin speaks it is often raw, deeply personal, some colorful language and yet directed precisely at each individual in the room. Kevin has consulted well over a 1000 people in his life from 20+ countries on the complexities of ‘how to be’ pro-actively successful in any industry. In 1991, out of a dream and a pure grass roots mentality, Kevin founded and built the award-winning actor’s business organization, The Actors’ Network.

    Kevin is commonly recognized as the top expert opinion leader industry-wide on the ‘business of show business’ and The Actors’ Network still remains the most endorsed actor’s business organization in the U.S., winning consecutive BackStage West “Reader’s Choice” awards (06/07). A few of its alumni include Emmy Nominee Masi Oka (Heroes), Chelsey Crisp (Off The Boat), Chris Gorham (Covert Affairs-Ugly Betty) and Maggie Grace (Taken trilogy). Kevin has spoken at the ShowBiz Expo, WGA, SAG LifeRaft Foundation, UCLA, as well as talent conventions across the U.S. and in the spring of ’15 in Stockholm at the Swedish Film Institute for the inaugural event, A Date with Hollywood.

    Additionally, Kevin is the creator of the video interview series, ActorBizGuru, voted #1 online educational resource by BackStage West, featuring, 49 top industry professionals. He also Co-Authored the 2-hour audio CD The Actor’s Guide to GETTING THE JOB, with former top commercial instructor, Carolyne Barry. To top it all off, in honor of his fallen friend Kerry Daveline from Melanoma, Kevin’s philanthropic soul, created the Hack n’ Smack Celebrity Golf Classic in the spring of ’04 which ran for 10 years and was voted one of the top 10 celebrity golf events in SoCal by Southland Golf magazine. From ’04-’13 the celebrity participation included: Joe Pesci, Joe Mantegna, Ron Perlman and Michael Chiklis.

    All told Kevin has produced, from scratch, more than 40 live events of all kinds as well continues to consult for many others. Kevin is a former collegiate golfer (still a 6 hdcp.), has run 4 LA Marathons, played in 6 Men’s Senior Baseball World Series, is a deadly serious Texas Hold-em player and lives his life by ‘The 4-Agreements’.

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    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

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    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

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    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

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    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)



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    24m | Apr 17, 2023
  • Bianca: I’m Addicted To Social Media

    Likes, Love, and Lipstick: The Ups and Downs of Social Media Addiction -- Brianne and Bianca dive into the world of social media and its impact on self-expression, addiction, and attention-seeking behavior. They offer valuable insights into the authenticity of social media, the harm it can have on mental health, and the obsession with external image. With a focus on being true to oneself, the hosts provide valuable advice to younger generations on how to use social media mindfully and not let it consume one's life. Join Bianca and Brianne in this insightful and serious conversation about the impact of social media on our society.

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    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

    _____

    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

    _____

    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

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    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)



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    26m | Apr 10, 2023
  • Michelle: I’m Still Trying To Protect My Abuser

    Michelle was determined to break the general trauma she suffered with an abusive father, and found herself unwittingly falling in love with someone so similar. Michelle's journey is similar for so many victims of abuse, the push and pull, the gas lighting and lies. Listen how Michelle pushed through to provide a better life for her daughters, even though she's still struggling to find her abuser at fault.

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    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

    _____

    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

    _____

    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)



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    30m | Apr 3, 2023
  • Cassie: Sexual Anorexia & Infertility - I Stoped Telling My Partners I Couldn’t Have Kids

    Cassie opens up about the difficult secret she kept from partners for years: her inability to have children due to abnormalities in her ovaries. Her story sheds light on the little-discussed issue of sexual anorexia and the impact it can have on individuals' emotional and sexual lives. Host, Brianne Davis encourages Cassie to seek help and put herself back out there. Through their honest and vulnerable conversation, the importance of honesty, connection, and seeking help is emphasized. This episode is a must-listen for anyone struggling with similar issues and seeking support and understanding.

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    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

    _____

    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

    _____

    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)


    Transcript:



    [0:00:00] Cassie: I took his hand and I said, okay, there's something I got to tell you. And I told him. I said, from an early age, I found out I couldn't have children, and I explained to him the details, and I want to spend a life with you. If you can't accept this, let's just go ahead and break up now. Shh.


    [0:00:26] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine.

    Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and love Addict, a four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon.

    Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secret. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know those deep, deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier, ha secrets you don't ever want to tell anybody. You know the how, what, when, where, and why of it all.

    Today. My guest is Cassie. Now, Cassie, I have a question for you. What is your secret?


    [0:01:43] Cassie: I stopped telling partners that I could not have children.


    [0:01:48] Brianne Davis: Oh, so you stopped telling somebody you're with that you were unable to have kids?


    [0:01:54] Cassie: Yes.


    [0:01:55] Brianne Davis: Okay. Take me back, girl. Take me back.


    [0:02:00] Cassie: This was 14 years ago. I was in a serious relationship. I was 24, and he was my first experience of everything. I was that goody two shoes girl, if you know what I mean.


    [0:02:14] Brianne Davis: Goody two Southern girl.


    [0:02:18] Cassie: That was me.


    [0:02:19] Brianne Davis: Yeah.


    [0:02:21] Cassie: Anyway, he took my virginity and I fell in love, and I thought for sure he was in love with me. So six months of us dating, I knew I had to tell him this because at an early age, I found out I could not have children. So I knew I had to tell him before he pulled out a ring and said and proposed because I thought it was going down into that. So six months into the relationship, we were driving home from visiting his parents, and I told him.


    [0:02:56] Brianne Davis: What did you say? How did you say it? Do you remember?


    [0:02:59] Cassie: This is how I said it. I took his hand and I said, okay, there's something I got to tell you. And I told him. I said, from an early age, I found out I couldn't have children. And I explained to him the details, and I said in the only way I said and the reason why I'm telling you this is I didn't want to take I knew this is where this was leading, and I want to spend a life with you. And if you can't accept this, let's just go ahead and break up now, because I want a partner that's going to be there, because this is going to be a fight. The only way I could have even fathom having a kid was IVF or adoption. I said, So if this is how you want to fight, if you want to be my partner and fight with me, we'll do this. And I'm trying to try not to cry.


    [0:03:48] Brianne Davis: Talking about it. Don't cry. Cry, girl, cry, because I know the shoe is about to drop and I'm going to start crying.


    [0:03:56] Cassie: Then he squeezed my hand, and all he said was, I know I don't want to break up with you. So I was like, okay, so maybe we're leaning somewhere good. And that's really all he said. In about ten minutes down the road and this is where your book comes into play with me, because this is where I felt like Roxanne. And he ten minutes, we're driving 1520 minutes down the road, he says, So this means I don't have to pull out anymore.


    [0:04:28] Brianne Davis: No, he did not.


    [0:04:32] Cassie: He did too.


    [0:04:33] Brianne Davis: Oh, my God, that makes me so angry on so many levels.


    [0:04:39] Cassie: Oh, my that ain't all. About a month or two down the road, he would take snippets because we stayed together a year and a half, and he would take little sniff. Oh, and that night yeah, that night, I felt like rock stand because I gave in. Yeah, I gave in. And just looking at the ceiling blades, and I just spinning.


    [0:05:11] Brianne Davis: Disconnected.


    [0:05:16] Cassie: And a month or two down the road, he would always make little snippet comments about adoption, and he would always say, well, adopted kids, they just are my gosh, it could turn out so bad. And again, that rock sand feeling. But this is what I think hurt the most, too. It's about a month or two down the road. He looked at me one day, and I remember I was cooking in his apartment, and he said, you know, if you did get pregnant, if it worked or you did get pregnant, you would look like an uncle. But again, what did I do?


    [0:06:04] Brianne Davis: You stayed.


    [0:06:06] Cassie: Oh, my God.


    [0:06:08] Brianne Davis: What is he like, trying to torture you? Like you've already shown your heart? As a woman, not being able to reproduce is already difficult. And then on top of it, he's like, it's just crazy. Sometimes, as humans do to each other, it is.


    [0:06:27] Cassie: But yet when he finally broke it off with me, because he moved and transferred, and God did for you what.


    [0:06:37] Brianne Davis: You couldn't do for yourself, girl.


    [0:06:39] Cassie: Exactly. But I still could not let go. We still saw each other. I had an aunt that she's passed now, but she was like a little bit of an enabler, and she was like, Just go and scene. Go and sing. Because my deal with her was, as long as you told me you're driving somewhere to go see as long as you tell me where you're at and then when you get back. And so I remember calling her and saying, I'm going. And she said, well, just call me when you get back. Anyway, I'm telling you, I don't know why I did it. I guess because he was my first.


    [0:07:30] Brianne Davis: For so many reasons. I always think it's something in us feels broken and we feel like someone else is going to fix it. And especially when that person that we love is unavailable, we want to convince them to become available for us. But I do want to take you back a little bit further. I did have a question I wanted to ask. When you were younger, what you found out why you couldn't have kids. Can you share that or you don't want to share that?


    [0:08:00] Cassie: Yeah, I'll share that. So when I was born, as my family says about me, I'm the persevere, is what they say.


    [0:08:14] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:08:16] Cassie: So when I was born, there was abnormalities in my ovaries, so they had to take them when I was a baby, okay? So it's kind of like straight from going from mom to this. So when I was 1110, 1112 years old, and this is my fault because I'm such a strong person, I'm there for everybody else. I'm the one that everybody leans on, or I feel that way. So when I was ten or eleven years old, my mom told me I just didn't want to talk about it. I didn't know what to do, what to say, so I never discussed it again.


    [0:09:01] Brianne Davis: Right. And how can you comprehend that at such a young age? I wouldn't be able to comprehend that I had endometriosis or a huge fibroid at the age of eleven. You know what I mean? We don't understand. So I get it.


    [0:09:14] Cassie: Right? My mom, too, love her to death. She's a rock for me. That was some things we just didn't discuss in our family. There's things you just don't discuss.


    [0:09:31] Brianne Davis: No, I get it. Why can't we discuss female hormonal issues with our mothers, but that generation doesn't discuss that stuff. I get it.


    [0:09:43] Cassie: No, that's where it started.


    [0:09:50] Brianne Davis: Did she ever say anything that made it worse? I know parents do the best they can, but was there anything ever where it just reiterated.


    [0:10:03] Cassie: The only thing? Because when I was contemplating finally telling him, I went to her and this is what I said, because I had discussed it with two of my best friends, okay? And they were like, you need to and my mom is the type of, no, you wait till you have a ring. And I'm like, no, because that would be in my mind, that was accepting it on false pretenses, right? Because he didn't know the whole story. So she was like, she was like, I see what you're saying. If this is what's leading in your heart to do it. I said, because I didn't want to lie to him. You know what I mean?


    [0:10:40] Brianne Davis: Yeah.


    [0:10:41] Cassie: And so I let out my most vulnerable. And that's what scares me to get close to another guy is because I let out my most vulnerable.


    [0:10:54] Brianne Davis: Yeah. And your biggest fear that telling this, then you would be rejected. And it seems like he dragged it on and also at the same time was rejecting you little by little, it sounds like.


    [0:11:07] Cassie: Right.


    [0:11:08] Brianne Davis: So then you moved on and you didn't tell another soul.


    [0:11:13] Cassie: I moved on, didn't tell another guy ever dated. I went on a wild streak.


    [0:11:23] Brianne Davis: Oh, so you rock sand it.


    [0:11:29] Cassie: I went on a wild streak. I met a friend, like Roxanne Hat, and we met at a gym and had the same trainer and so I rock sanded.


    [0:11:44] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:11:45] Cassie: It was a bar every weekend. And I was just like, well, I'm not going to be a wife. This moping ain't going to work out.


    [0:11:55] Brianne Davis: Yeah.


    [0:11:56] Cassie: So I'm going to just break it open. And so that's what I did. And I met another guy who was my other experience.


    [0:12:08] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:12:12] Cassie: He was like, to explain him was like a cover off of romance novel. Okay. He looked that good. And so I was like, oh, my gosh. I felt like I had power. You get what I'm saying?


    [0:12:30] Brianne Davis: Please. Do I get what you're saying? Please. We know. I got what we were saying.


    [0:12:36] Cassie: I felt like I had taught two. I would walk into a bar and I would look at my friends and I'm like, I'm kissing that guy by the end of the night, let's play bed sound. And I would be kissing that guy at the end of the night. But this guy, I'll never forget it. And I don't know, it was just like that how you wrote in your book. When you feel that much strong social connection, run away. Not me. Okay. And we talked a little while and then my grandmother was really sick and she was on her deathbed and I was out of town working, and he came and saw me, and I just wanted comfort. And he came that night and it all went down and he got up and left. I felt like the walk of shame the next morning when people at work and one of my friends was doing brown chicken, brown cow, I was like, hate you right now. But anyway, I ended up getting ghosted after that from him. That was it?


    [0:13:51] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Can I ask if you allowed him to? Did you have a condom on? Is that an inappropriate question, Brianne? Probably.


    [0:14:04] Cassie: No. Either time. No with my first and no with my second, which was stupid.


    [0:14:10] Brianne Davis: Okay. Yes. We are not smart sometimes in our decision making. We get that. Okay, so you then get ghosted, which is horrible. People should never ghost anybody. And then you kept just not telling people that you got involved.


    [0:14:25] Cassie: Just not told that I dated another guy for six months. Not too long after that, broke it off with him, never told him. And then finally after the dating, just quit. What do you mean it quit?


    [0:14:38] Brianne Davis: You just life said I'm done.


    [0:14:41] Cassie: I didn't want to date. I would go out here and there and I just could not get close.


    [0:14:47] Brianne Davis: You turn sexual anorexic, then you just shut it down.


    [0:14:51] Cassie: I shut it down?


    [0:14:52] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Nobody talks about that. Your emotions and your body just shuts down because of all the damage or trauma and stuff and rejection and abandonment. You just shut that part of you off and it's called sexual anorexia. And nobody talks about it.


    [0:15:10] Cassie: Nobody talks about it. And here I am 1213 years later and I'm like, wow, are you still.


    [0:15:17] Brianne Davis: Shut down right now?


    [0:15:18] Cassie: Oh, yeah.


    [0:15:20] Brianne Davis: I didn't know that. You have not dated for twelve years.


    [0:15:25] Cassie: I have not dated anybody serious or had a serious relationship. Yes.


    [0:15:31] Brianne Davis: Right.


    [0:15:31] Cassie: I have not been intimate with a guy for twelve to 13 years and I have not told him that. And it's probably saddened me to say this, I am talking to someone, but it's like I feel like I'm a damaged good.


    [0:15:45] Brianne Davis: I know, I get it. I felt like that when I turned sexual anorexic and shut down like that. I felt like I was damaged and something was wrong with me. I totally know that feeling.


    [0:15:58] Cassie: And so part of me is always going to feel inadequate because I can't do the one thing that the main thing a woman was created for.


    [0:16:09] Brianne Davis: Right.


    [0:16:09] Cassie: And you're just like.


    [0:16:12] Brianne Davis: But here's the thing. So many women are going through that now. You're not alone. I know. So many women that have had to do IVF five times and still haven't. So you are not alone. But when we're going through it or we feel life, we're not doing what women are supposed to do that we're broken. And that's not true. Just so you know, you are not alone.


    [0:16:35] Cassie: Right. And trust me, there have been nights, especially when he broke up with me. I mean, I would just cry myself to sleep. And finally I have a piece. I feel like I'm getting a piece, but I know that I still have work.


    [0:16:53] Brianne Davis: Well yeah, I mean you definitely have work if you're still stuck in that sexual anorexia. That's the hardest part. To get out of the acting out over sexual and doing all that. It's easy, easier. But to get out of the cycle of sexual anorexia is brutal. It's brutal. So how are you going to put yourself out there? Because you deserve love, girl. You deserve it.


    [0:17:25] Cassie: Well, thank you, I guess. I don't know, other than like you told me before the meetings. Go to a meeting.


    [0:17:40] Brianne Davis: Yeah, there's a great sexual anorexia meeting on Tuesdays, just so you know, in Los Angeles at 07:30 p.m.. Really? Yeah. It's an amazing meeting. If you're out there and you find yourself shut down. There's an amazing meeting. You can reach out to me. I will give you the information. But this is something that is so difficult to get out of, to put yourself back out there, to step into that unknown.


    [0:18:07] Cassie: It is an unknown. And you kind of almost feel like you're in a rut. And I throw my life into work and family and friends, and I'm that's what I do. And I'm that friend. I worry about everybody else but me.


    [0:18:25] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Normally that is what happens.


    [0:18:31] Cassie: And I'm that friend that will run over right away. And sometimes you got to take care of yourself to take care of others, and I don't do it.


    [0:18:46] Brianne Davis: Well, here's an idea. Is there anybody in your life right now that you could call and say, I need help getting back out there, and they can sit with you and talk to you and maybe enter on one of those dating apps or go with you out and start putting yourself back out there? Because, yes, rejection and abandonment is going to happen. But when we shut down emotionally and sexually, we're denying ourselves a part of life.


    [0:19:15] Cassie: Right. And there might be sometimes you just.


    [0:19:21] Brianne Davis: Got to mention it to one person in your life. Like, I'm struggling.


    [0:19:24] Cassie: Yeah. And I think there is that. Most of my friends are married with kids and they do their own life. You're like, I don't want to bug them about it, but I think I have a friend.


    [0:19:38] Brianne Davis: Yeah, but here's the thing. Those married people probably are struggling just as much as you are with sexual anorexia. I know a lot of married couples that get stagnant, so maybe you mentioning it to somebody that you think wouldn't have that problem, probably is going through something similar.


    [0:19:57] Cassie: Yeah. In the small town I life in, there are things you just don't talk about. Gossip will start.


    [0:20:07] Brianne Davis: But there's something about you telling your truth that then helps other people tell their truth.


    [0:20:14] Cassie: Right. It brings it out. Yeah.


    [0:20:16] Brianne Davis: It brings that darkness out because you're drowning in darkness.


    [0:20:20] Cassie: Right. And I have been really talking to a friend that is single. She's a little bit older than me, and she has been through everything with me with this. All these years ago, I confided in her. She was the phone call I made to say, hey, this is what I'm telling him. And so if there was anyone, it would probably be her.


    [0:20:48] Brianne Davis: You got to get back out there. Promise me you'll come to one of the anorexia meetings. I'll be in the room with you. I will be in the room with you. I will give you the information because it is not a place to live. I know people that have gone 20 years without having a partnership and living alone, and I just don't think that's good for anybody's psyche.


    [0:21:11] Cassie: No. Because we were built for relationship yeah.


    [0:21:14] Brianne Davis: And connection.


    [0:21:16] Cassie: We were definitely built for it. And that's a huge reason why I'm talking today. Yeah.


    [0:21:24] Brianne Davis: I'm so grateful you reached out to me and you're willing to come forward. And I had no idea, though, that you've gone that way. I thought you got on the other side, but you being still in it, I would be honored to help you get out of it.


    [0:21:41] Cassie: Thank you. It would be great to have that. It would be great to have somebody like that. Definitely.


    [0:21:47] Brianne Davis: Well, let me ask you this question before we go. If anybody out there is going through the same thing you're going through, heartbreak, disappointment, even fertility issues, what would be your advice for them? Even though you're still in it? Is there anything you can help someone else with?


    [0:22:05] Cassie: My advice would be don't do what I did.


    [0:22:08] Brianne Davis: Don't shut down.


    [0:22:09] Cassie: Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't act a fool like I did and do stupid things. Find the right people to be around. Don't make a mistake and get that crazy friend that throws you into it.


    [0:22:29] Brianne Davis: Right.


    [0:22:29] Cassie: And get a friend who's going to help you and lift you up. And that's the main thing. If I would have to say the takeaway and yes, and don't shut down.


    [0:22:41] Brianne Davis: Don't shut down because it's so hard to dig your way out of it. I still struggle with intimacy. I still do. After almost twelve years of recovery, it's still difficult for me to attach my feelings and my sexuality and intimacy. So I get it. And once you go down that hole and you shut down, it's so hard to put yourself back out there again. So that would be my advice. Don't shut down. Like lean into not shutting down as much as you can fight through it. If you can fight through it, fight like you're like fighting a dragon. Because that's what it is. It's literally like a dragon.


    [0:23:18] Cassie: It is. And you don't realize it before you know it because I think age, the older I got too, it just was like it just crept up because age too. Yeah.


    [0:23:34] Brianne Davis: The year goes by and you're like, whoa. A year just went by? The time you're like five years. And then you're like, oh well. And then you're like seven years and eight years. I get it. So we are going to dig you out of this anorexia once and for all so that you can connect and be a whole person and give yourself to somebody else and feel loved. Because that's what it's about, right?


    [0:24:01] Cassie: It is. It's about that. Like I said, I'm never comfortable I'm hardly the comfortable one sharing things because I'm always the one that I'm the shoulder you cry on. I don't cry on your shoulder.


    [0:24:16] Brianne Davis: Well, now you do. Now you're going to wear that mask. Well, thank you so much for coming on and sharing this. I feel like it's going to help so many people because this is something definitely nobody talks about. So I'm beyond grateful that you told me all of this.


    [0:24:35] Cassie: Well, thank you. And thank you for letting me talk.


    [0:24:40] Brianne Davis: Well, if you want to be on the show, please email me at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time.


    [0:24:51] Cassie: Bye.


    [0:24:52] Brianne Davis: Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com. If you'd like to check out my book, head over to SecretLifelifeNovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.




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    25m | Mar 27, 2023
  • Parker: I’m Recovering From an Eating Disorder, But There’s A Lot That’s Not Recovered

    Parker bravely shares her journey with an eating disorder that started at the age of six. She reveals how her struggle with controlling her body became intertwined with her identity, making it difficult to imagine life without it. With honesty and vulnerability, Parker unpacks her experience as an addict, comparing her behavior to that of a heroin addict. Her story sheds light on the complexities of eating disorders, the impact they have on a person's well-being, and the importance of seeking help and support. Tune in to this episode of the Secret Life Podcast to gain insight and understanding on this critical issue affecting millions worldwide.

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    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

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    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

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    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

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    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

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    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)


    TRANSCRIPT

    [0:00:00] Parker: So I eat these Quest bars, you know, and sometimes it's like, that'll be pretty much all I eat in a day. And then while I do it, I get on Instagram and I go to like, Search, and then it's just food. And I watch layer cakes, cupcakes, donuts, pizza. And then I'm just thinking about the binge. Just like thinking about it.


    [0:00:24] Parker: Shh. Shh.


    [0:00:26] Brianne: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood sex and love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm brienne. Davis.


    [0:01:07] Parker: Gantt.


    [0:01:07] Brianne: Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave.


    [0:01:16] Parker: Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really, the how, what, when, where, and why of it all. Today. My guest is Parker. Parker, I have a question for you. Dun dun dun. What is your secret?


    [0:01:33] Parker: My secret is that I have an eating disorder. And I know that sounds like, yes, you and everyone else on the planet. And it's not so much that no one knows that I have eating disorders, but the secret is more, that all this shit that I'm still doing, because my story is that I'm recovered. But the truth is, there's a lot that's not recovered.


    [0:02:00] Parker: So when did this secret first start? When did you start going through those eating disorder situation when you were younger?


    [0:02:09] Parker: Well, okay, so I starved for the first time when I was six, and that wasn't necessary. And that wasn't necessarily about wanting to be thin. That didn't happen until nine. But six was more. My mom was mentally ill and she had my baby sister at home. And I really felt unsafe with them being at home by themselves. I was like, she can't do it. I need to be there. So I was in first grade and I realized, oh, if I don't eat my lunch, I will start to feel really sick, like I have the flu. And then I can go to the principal. I can go to the principal's office and say I feel sick and I can go home. And then I can make sure that my mom and my sister are okay. So that was sort of the first time that used the tool of starving to serve me. And then a couple of years later, I remember being in the car with my mom and seeing this girl jogging, and she was like, really tan. I'm really not tan.


    [0:03:10] Parker: And she had thighs that were thin but also very muscly and very defined. And my thighs are just creamy white and they're just soft. And I just remember looking at her thighs and then looking down at my spreading thigh life spread over the car seat. And I was like, no, this is not acceptable. And honestly, I'm in my still feel the same way about my thighs.


    [0:03:39] Parker: Did anybody say anything ever about your thighs? Or is it just something you have always felt?


    [0:03:46] Parker: It's more just something I've always felt. I was an early bloomer, so I've never been overweight. But I was definitely big. I was like one of the tallest kids. And I had big feet. And I had a lot of girlfriends who were like little, and they were like a size one. And I wore like a size nine. So I always felt very big in space. And also my mom is obese, and she's been obese my whole life. So just having that as a woman and a girl having and she hates her body life. I never saw her naked. Like so much shame. Doesn't want her picture taken. So I think I got a lot of that hardwiring of just like even though I know intellectually that I am not big, I feel big. And a lot of times too, that's what I see.


    [0:04:37] Parker: So it's life, even to this day. I'll say crazy shit to my husband, and he'll be like, I'll see someone and I'll be like, do my legs look like hers? And he's like, honey, you're like half the size of that. But I literally don't see it. I'm not trying to be an asshole. That's not what I see.


    [0:04:52] Parker: No. I have had an eating disorder too, so I complete in high school. So I remember until I got so thin. And everybody used to tell me how great I looked. And so I got a little thinner. And then it wasn't so good looking anymore. And people started telling me that, and I would just think they were jealous or something. But I remember specifically someone took a picture of me, and I saw the picture, and I saw what they saw. And my eyes didn't see the same thing. It's life, this distortion or something.


    [0:05:29] Parker: Yeah. And honestly, that's part of my disorder too. And that's something that's still a thing. Because it's like I'll look in and I have this weird thing. Like, if it's a new mirror, somehow magically, it's like a thin mirror. So I'll go to Cheesecake Factory and I'll be like, damn, bitch. All right, we're getting cake. But then if I'm home and it's my regular old mirror, I'm like, no. Oh, boy. Now what are we going to do? Get out the sweats, cover it up. And I forget where I was going with that.


    [0:05:59] Parker: But it's okay because I have a question. You withheld food from yourself instead of life. Binging.


    [0:06:07] Parker: Oh, no, I do that, too.


    [0:06:09] Parker: So it was a combination of both.


    [0:06:10] Parker: Yeah. It's a lot of control and over exercising life. I never actually threw up, but I think one of the tricky things and how I can still carry it today is I'm very good at looking like I have my shit together. I was never £80. I was never £800. I would go to twelve step meetings that are about I've gone to food programs for years and I did all the stuff and I read all the books and I had a sponsor and I sponsored, and the entire time I was lying. Like, not all the time. Not about everything.


    [0:06:48] Brianne: Like what?


    [0:06:49] Parker: Give me some examples.


    [0:06:51] Parker: Okay, so in these programs, they talk about being abstinent and sometimes, and that just means life. It's individual, it's whatever that thing is for you. For some people, it's no sugar. For some people, it's no binging. For some people, it's three meals a day with nothing in between. And I mean, it's been so long, I can't even tell you what my abstinence was. That it's like, I would have it and then I would lose it and I wouldn't say anything. And part of it was because I was getting away with it. And I would go to these meetings and people would say things to me like, what are you doing? Because I looked normal. I was like a size. I wasn't big, I wasn't small. And so to them, they would look to me like I had the answer. And the whole time I'm thinking like, this is a life. And that's tied into the anorexia too, right?


    [0:07:37] Parker: Because it's life. Even when you are teeny tiny, and even in that microsecond that you might actually be feeling it too, your head's going, you're a fucking liar. This is a fucking sham. Do you know how fucking hungry I am right now? And I'm doing all this so I can look like this for you and I can't even own it because it's not even real. Because I know the moment I eat a pizza or eat a sandwich, it's all done anyways. It's just giant illusion. Yeah.


    [0:08:06] Parker: And for me, it was all just about the one thing. I can control life. I can control my body. No one can stop me from controlling it. And I remember my parents one time wanting me to drink a milkshake. And I was life. I am not drinking a milkshake. That's disgusting. Which today I'll drink a milkshake. I love a good milkshake, right? Anyways, and then if I drank the milkshake, I would then beat myself up about it in my head, right?


    [0:08:34] Parker: Or be so afraid. And for me, I think part of why I still do what I do and I want to get into what I do.


    [0:08:43] Parker: Yes.


    [0:08:43] Parker: Because it's gnarly. But a part of it is the disorders are so wrapped up into my identity that I'm literally like, I don't know who I would be without this. Every once in a while, I will dare myself to just dream about what if I had freedom from food obsession? What if I didn't spend? And these are the days that I'm not worrying about a job or my kid or my husband or somebody being sick or life the bigger stuff. If I don't have that stuff to obsess about, then this is where I go. The default is food. What did you eat? What didn't you eat? When can you eat again? Did you eat too much? I still track calories like a fucking weirdo on my calculator app and I'll go into the next day. So it's like you're 600 negative for Life Tuesday and it's Sunday. But I'll keep track of it because somehow in my head I'm like, I'm going to catch up.


    [0:09:43] Parker: So is that some of the stuff you're still doing today?


    [0:09:46] Parker: Yeah.


    [0:09:47] Parker: That's the secret you're holding?


    [0:09:48] Parker: Yeah. Well, I just want to backtrack, really. So I did all the lying within the program and I think part of a lot of times because I do believe eating disorders are an addiction. That's just what I believe and that's why I fully qualify as an addict is I never really hit a bottom. And so I actually ended up leaving my whole life and went back to my parents house. And coincidentally, my sister was living in my parents basement and she is a drug addict. And so she had just gotten back from rehab, she had no job, she had no car, like nothing. So she's hit her bottom. She's in the basement life doing her thing, and she was counting days. And so I would drive her to her A meetings, but then subsequently I'm one level above in the living room and something about the move, because this wasn't a conscious decision on my point on my part, like, I'm going to leave my life and kind of put myself in rehab. But that's kind of what happened. So I'm at my parents house. I have no job, I have no health insurance, I have no money. And I remember for six weeks I sat on my parents couch and I just ate, which I'd never let myself do before. It was like, I'm going to binge, but then I'm going to starve and then I'm going to go to the gym.


    [0:11:12] Parker: And it was like this life and all these meds to the antidepressants that would make me speedy and they would make me be able to eat even more because it would raise up my metabolism. So then I'm taking the downers so I can go to sleep, but those aren't working. So then I'm driving to 711 at 03:00 A.m.. It was so crazy.


    [0:11:30] Parker: Yeah. That's everything you just said a heroin addict could say and it would be the same exact description.


    [0:11:39] Parker: Yeah. And I would be driving around on all those downers that were supposed to make me sleep. I'm driving my car, like going like, I need to get ice cream. So when I went home and I just ate and I remember I even like, I got a really expensive gym membership and I would like, go to the gym and I'd try to get on the elliptical. And I'd be like, no. And I would go back home and.


    [0:12:03] Parker: Being on the elliptical.


    [0:12:07] Parker: And I was like, the bitch. She was like 05:00 a.m in the middle of winter, like doing running her 5 miles because I wanted to be able to eat that day, right? I want to eat, but I had to earn it. So I went home and just sat on the couch and I hit a bottom. And it was like the best thing I could have ever done for myself. And so I did that. I just ate for probably like a good month and a half. And then one day I went on a weird internet date with some random guy and he took me to a Tori Amos concert. And I'm obsessed with her. And it was like I've seen her life so many times. And so I'm watching her and I've just had this moment. And I really believe this was life from God, like direct channel. I just looked at her performing and this voice said to me, do you see that greatness up there? You have that too, life. You have all that in you.


    [0:13:01] Parker: And aren't you so tired of hating yourself? And literally in that moment, it was a gift. And I've never gone back to that same place. And so my secret that I'm sharing with you, because that's the story I tell. And it's true that I've never gone back to that place. But really, sometimes the only difference between that and now is that I don't judge myself in the same way. And I don't get scared that because if anyone's listening that has eating disorders, first of all, I love you. Second of all, for me, I had to create a life that I wanted to show up for. So that was the other difference. It was 2005. Like, I didn't like my job. I didn't life my apartment. I didn't like where I was living. I had sort of set up a life for myself that I didn't want to show up for. So it's like, of course you're going to and call in sick and life and do all the shit you were doing.


    [0:14:06] Parker: And now today I have a life that I want to show up for. First of all, the level of fantasy. So I still binge there. There's my secret. I binge and I don't even know it's probably once every couple of months. And it's very secret. And the first crazy part is just the level of fantasy that I do. I mean, it's like when people talk about suicidal ideation, I feel like I do that with binging.


    [0:14:41] Parker: If I'm feeling you plan your meals, what you're going to get. You go on Yelp and you look like, OOH, I'm going to go to that place and get that.


    [0:14:48] Parker: Yeah, well, here's another thing this ties back. This is another disordered thing that I still do. So when I was really anorexic, I used to eat my diet yogurt with like the two tablespoons of grape nuts and I'd put a ton of salt in it because the salt would give it more flavor.


    [0:15:03] Parker: That sounds so gross. I'm sure every listener is going, what?


    [0:15:08] Parker: I ate everything with salt. I used to cut pears and dip them into kosher salt, like every bite. And I think it was just because my body wanted flavor so badly and it was like that was all that I would give to myself. So somehow that was maximizing it. So anyways, I would eat this diet yogurt and I would look at food magazines and I would look at Life ribeyes and baked potatoes and I would literally pretend that that's what I was eating while I was eating the same 90 calorie key lime pie bullshit nutrisweet yogurt. Right? So I still do that. So now today my thing is Quest bars. I'm obsessed with Quest bars. And this is part of my disordered eating too, is I get into these right now it's summer, so it's like it's all about salads and then winter it's all about soup. Yes, but I do this weird fucked up shit with my soup too. So it's like not even soup, it's kind of like stuffing. And I bake it with like egg whites because I want volume, I want to eat a lot. It's like whatever I'm eating, it has to be like a lot of it. I eat these Quest bars and sometimes that'll be pretty much all I eat in a day.


    [0:16:23] Parker: But I have this ritual where I get the bars. It's always the same kind. It's always I eat the one first and the second 1 second. And then while I do it, I get on Instagram and I go to Search and then it's just food. And I watch layer cakes, cupcakes donuts, pizza and so. And then I'm just thinking about the binge. Just like thinking about it and planning it and it's very complicated because I want to do it where it's like I don't have to work that day, I don't have to work the next day. I need life two days to do it properly. Which is really hard when you're married and you have a kid. So it's like I'm trying to be like, don't you guys want to go on a camping trip without me? It feels like this is the one thing that I truly look forward to. Which how sad is that? Because of course, you know, I mean from I'm assuming you've binged before.


    [0:17:18] Parker: Oh yeah.


    [0:17:19] Parker: Okay. So you know. Right? So it's like the first whatever, probably ten minutes is kind of amazing. And then you're like, I feel sick.


    [0:17:26] Parker: Yeah, it's life. The first couple of bites, and then the rest of it kind of I remember I used to want to eat it really fast so that my mind couldn't stop me, I guess, is what I remember a long time ago. But yeah, it was only those first couple of bites for me.


    [0:17:46] Parker: And then you're like, it stops tasting good. It stops tasting good. And then your mouth starts to hurt, and then your stomach starts to hurt. And I'll literally go to, like, I feel like I'm going to throw up, and I don't throw up. It's like I just don't want to throwing up is not a thing for me. I keep it. Yeah, but it's just so interesting. It's like, what is that definitely when I'm mid binge or definitely when I'm in the after part when you just feel kind of comatose? One of the thoughts that always comes up for me is like, honey, you can take a break. There's this lead up when it's like, I've made the decision and I'm off to the races and it's happening. That it's like, in those moments, I don't see you could have just taken.


    [0:18:38] Parker: A bath or just had one slice of the pizza or two or three and not enough.


    [0:18:45] Parker: Right.


    [0:18:46] Parker: Why do we always have to let.


    [0:18:48] Parker: Yourself extreme or let yourself lay in bed and watch Netflix all day? Because that's what I'm doing. And that's really I don't want to say where all the pleasure comes from, but a lot of it, a lot of it is like, I want an excuse to lie in bed all day.


    [0:19:01] Parker: But here's my other thing for you that I don't think we're hitting on, okay? There's something inside that just doesn't allow us or people or you to just be to be where you are, to be present. And instead, we eat, we instagram swipe, we compare and despair to other people to get out of ourselves. So my question for you, I'm just going to jump to how do you move forward?


    [0:19:31] Parker: Okay?


    [0:19:32] Parker: And my question for you, where's the pause button before you do those things? Before you put that whole pizza or layered cake? So where's that pause and go? Why? Because for me, the moments I go, why do I want to do this so bad right now? And why am I obsessively thinking about this thing? Something else deeper is going on. What is that? And for me, it's usually fear. It's usually sadness. It's usually all those abandonment sometimes, right. So for you, how do you move forward?


    [0:20:15] Parker: Well, I know what works for me, and it's really simple. It's just reaching out. And I'm really lucky that I have a husband who is also a compulsive overeater. We actually met in the program, and it's really beautiful because I've seen him struggle. He's seen me struggle. And we have this really beautiful. Very like it's unsaid because we both understand to our core that there's nothing that you can say to that person in that moment when they're in their disease.


    [0:20:47] Parker: Totally.


    [0:20:49] Parker: But I've said to him many times, and he'll do it to me, too, I'll be like, I am done. I'm done eating for the day. Or I'll say, I want to binge and this is what I want to do. And then we just talk about it. And like, nine times out of ten, that pause is enough.


    [0:21:07] Parker: And you just have to be good enough with that. There's no perfection. And we just do the best we can and we show up for our life. And I think that's lovely that you have a partner that you can have that communication with.


    [0:21:22] Parker: Yeah, it's really special. It's really special because I feel like normies people that don't have eating disorders, like bless them, they don't get it.


    [0:21:32] Parker: No, you can't get it. No, you can't get it. And people that have had eating disorders or still going through it, now, you are not alone. And the problem is you're probably going to have it the rest of your life. So you have to manage it or it will kill you. We don't think it's as deadly as drugs or alcohol or that kind of addiction, but it will kill you because you're taking your body through this thing that is not healthy.


    [0:22:04] Parker: Yeah. And especially if you're like me, it's just it progresses. I've noticed the more I do it, the more it's like, I'm eating it faster, I'm doing it more. Because I didn't used to do that. I was the savor and I would savor it, and now I'm just like I can really see it's. Like, I just so badly want to numb out. I just want to numb out.


    [0:22:29] Parker: Well, thank you for sharing your secret with us.


    [0:22:32] Parker: You're welcome.


    [0:22:33] Parker: Thank you for listening to Secret Life podcast. If you have a past secret that you've already gone through and you're on the other side, or a present secret you're still living with, please reach out to me and message me below or email me at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Thanks again. Until next time you.


    [0:22:57] Brianne: Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate share or send me a note@secretlifepodcast.com. And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.



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    23m | Mar 20, 2023
  • Tess: I'm a Grateful Recovering Alcoholic

    Grateful recovering alcoholic Tess shares her journey to sobriety and the role of addiction in coping with chaos. With raw honesty, she delves into the underlying issues driving her drinking and how recovery programs like AA have been a source of support and relatability. Alongside Secret Life host, Brianne Davis-Gantt, they dive into the role of ego in human behavior and how recovery has shifted their focus from self-serving to being of service to others. This thought-provoking episode sheds light on the struggles of addiction and inspires listeners to attend meetings and hear other people's stories to find support in recovery.

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    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

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    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

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    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

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    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

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    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

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    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)

    Secret Life Podcast - Ep 144 - Tess: I’m a Grateful Recovering Alcoholic 


    TRANSCRIPT


    [0:00:00] Tess: Like, addiction, you know, life.


    [0:00:01] Brianne Davis: What?


    [0:00:02] Tess: Like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, Look, I don't I know you guys are like, a top rated place in the country, but you have no idea what you're doing. These are my exact words. I'm like, if I'm an addict or an alcoholic, and so is every other 23-year-old in La. Like, to write famous last words.


    [0:00:21] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret secret, I'll tell you mine. 


    Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, a four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves and others. You know those deep, dark secrets you probably want to go to our grave with are those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really, the how, what, when, where, and why of it all.


    [0:01:25] Brianne Davis: Today guest is Tess. Now, Tess, I have a question for you. What is your secret?


    [0:01:34] Tess: Hi, I'm Tess, and I am grateful for recovering alcoholic.


    [0:01:39] Brianne Davis: Wow, I really liked that. That was very profession like. We were in a meeting.


    [0:01:43] Tess: Thank you.


    [0:01:46] Brianne Davis: Sometimes I have to say, when people used to say grateful and whatever their addiction was, I used to get annoyed with them.


    [0:01:52] Tess: Oh, it's the worst at the beginning.


    [0:01:54] Brianne Davis: When you don't understand, like, spare me. But I love it now. It's such yes, because I am a grateful, sex and love addict. And when I hear people say that, I'm like, OOH, that sounds gross, but it's a blessing. Do you find that 100%?


    [0:02:11] Tess: I find that it's a blessing. It took me a little bit to get to that spot where I really did feel grateful and that it all happened kind of for a greater good, but definitely take some hard work to get to that place.


    [0:02:24] Brianne Davis: So when did this problem start with you? With alcohol?


    [0:02:28] Tess: Well, I'm 27 now. And you're a baby. I'm a baby. I'll have three years on October 13, which I'm really excited about. So I did get sober young, but I always hear in meetings, because we go to so many of them, that you kind of grow up in the rooms and either AA or NA or whatever program that you're in kind of teaches you how to live a sober, happy, healthy life. And I feel like sometimes we grow up and we don't learn those huge AHA moments, but I really feel like I have kind of grown up in this program.


    [0:03:06] Brianne Davis: So when did the drinking start? For you? What age?


    [0:03:10] Tess: I would say the first time I consciously remember drinking to life, what if I was upset or to numb? Kind of like that was 16, which I felt was kind of I don't want to say average. I mean, everyone's story is so different, but for me, it was 16, and then it really kind of took off next level when I was in college.


    [0:03:30] Brianne Davis: So can you take us through that progression for you?


    [0:03:34] Tess: Sure. I mean, growing up, my family is from Germany, and, you know, everything always looked kind of perfect from the outside. I was really good at making sure everything looked great.


    [0:03:46] Brianne Davis: Life.


    [0:03:46] Tess: I was good at school. I did all the extra curriculars. I have friends, I had a boyfriend, whatever it was, I always make sure it looks really pretty from the outside, and that's a really hard facade to keep up as things start kind of crumbling down beneath you. And I was in college when things kind of really started to spin out of control, and things really started to take it up a notch. So, yeah, that's kind of when I noticed that I had a really close friends of mine pulling me aside and say, hey, what's going on? This is getting out of hand.


    [0:04:19] Brianne Davis: But what were those behaviors that they were noticing that was getting out of hand? Were you at parties? Would you just life?


    [0:04:25] Tess: Yeah, I would be going out every single night, and I was always really good at making things look like I had it under control. Right. That's like the attic thing. No, I got it. It's all good. I got it. Don't worry about me. Everything's fine. And so I was really good at making it look like I had it under control until I didn't have it under control. So I would be going out every single night. I didn't think I was hurting anybody because it was like my own actions and my stuff. Right. That's the classic. I wasn't hurting anyone or doing anything, which is just so not true. So, yeah, I would say it took me about four years, and then I love to kind of escape.


    [0:05:03] Tess: And if I was feeling a certain way on the inside, I had to find external validation and go out and have superficial friendships and superficial things to make me have that whole my stomach and in my heart feel complete. You know what I mean?


    [0:05:20] Brianne Davis: Yeah, completely. Yes. So I love filling that void, that empty. I always say it's life, that empty part in your soul that we just keep filling it with attention, buying dresses, makeup, life, eating life. We just keep filling it. And it's insatiable. It never is full 100%. So do you feel like your pattern definitely was, like, out in clubs with superficial people? Life was that tied into it?


    [0:05:52] Tess: All tied into it 100%. So that's part of the story. Right. And then I actually went to school in the south. I went to school in Dallas, and then I moved to La. Which then is just like the Super Bowls, kind of that kind of situation.


    [0:06:05] Brianne Davis: And I really just come to La. It seems like we're just why we.


    [0:06:11] Tess: Have such a great recovery program. They always say wherever there's high levels of addiction, there's great levels of recovery, which is true. Yeah.


    [0:06:19] Brianne Davis: La is a breeding ground for that.


    [0:06:22] Tess: That's so funny. Yeah. But I made my way to La. And I was there for eight months before I went to treatment, so that was a pretty fast descend, I would guess.


    [0:06:31] Brianne Davis: So what was that bottom moment? There was a lot of things.


    [0:06:39] Tess: I have a two part story. I went to treatment in January 2017, but I didn't necessarily go for addiction. I went for trauma, depression, and anxiety, because that, like, overwhelming. You know when you have that hole and it feels like it's eating up inside you? It was just getting so overwhelming.


    [0:06:55] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Like a snake life. I wanted to peel my skin and crawl out of my skin.


    [0:07:00] Tess: Exactly. So I just kind of felt like that, and it was kept growing and growing to the point where I just felt like if this is what life was like, I didn't want to do it anymore. I'm like, this isn't fun. This isn't a good time. I don't get the point. Life dark thoughts and things like that, but I was just like, I need help. The first time I voiced that, and that was eight months after La. But I still didn't think I was an addict or an alcoholic. I wasn't even going for that. That wasn't even crossed my mind. I was like, I just need to figure out how not to feel so shitty all the time. I didn't even think that drugs and alcohol were a correlation to that.


    [0:07:37] Brianne Davis: Let me ask you a question, though. You said you just didn't want to be living anymore. Did you actually have suicidal thoughts or you just didn't want to be on this planet? Life, you were like, I'm kind of done.


    [0:07:49] Tess: I just didn't get it. I was life so negative, and I just felt like everyone was always happy, had that friend or that happiness, and I was like, so I missed how to Be Happy 101 class. I missed a day of school or something because everyone seems to have figured it out but me. And so that's how I felt, but I didn't know that's. Just like the underlying any type of ism alcoholism or whatever, however they talk about it in meetings. That's kind of the thing of, like, am I not enough? I'm not good enough. Why does everyone have this but me? It's kind of all the same underlying system, right?


    [0:08:21] Brianne Davis: Yeah, they all are the exact same.


    [0:08:24] Tess: Yeah. So I went to treatment, but I just wanted to figure out not to be so miserable, you fill out those giant questionnaires when you get there. Like 40 pages, 50 pages of every question you could ever be asked. And I meet with the counselor for the first time, and he's like, okay, so we're going to put you on addiction track one. Like, addiction?


    [0:08:43] Brianne Davis: What?


    [0:08:44] Tess: What are you talking about? And I'm like, Look, I know you guys are, like, a top rated place in the country, but you have no idea what you're doing. These are my exact words if I'm an addict or an alcoholic, and so is every other 23 year old in La. To write famous last words.


    [0:09:00] Brianne Davis: I love it. I love it when people come to my program and they're like, I don't have a problem. I just don't want to be with this person. Really? You're walking in the room, you kind of saying, you have a problem.


    [0:09:11] Tess: So I had kind of no idea what it was all about, but I started learning a lot, right? Because whenever you're in a treatment program or somewhere for 30 days with no outside contact, all you do is you really get to focus on yourself and your issues and kind of like, what makes you tick. So I was really grateful for the opportunity. I was actually so excited to get to treatment because I remember I was like the drug driver that picks you up from the airport to take you to the center. I was like, don't take this the wrong way, but I've never seen someone so happy come here, right? He's like, all my people are kicking and screaming or upset. He just said, you just seem so happy. And I was life. Look, I know there's no way in the hell that I'm leaving this place worse off than when I came in, which was true. I learned so much, and it was incredible.


    [0:09:55] Brianne Davis: Did you think it was that pink cloud moment? Did you have that where you're like, okay, this will be the answer? This will fix me?


    [0:10:03] Tess: Yes, until treatment is a very protected area. And then they're like, well, you should do sober living. You should do aisle pieceway. Did all those things. And then I returned back to La. But then life started getting hard, and shit started happening, and life got really tough really quickly.


    [0:10:19] Brianne Davis: I find that to be true. I find that the people that go to treatment and then there's always slips afterwards than if you just stay in where you are and then go to meetings, is it different? Exactly, because it's like taking you out of your it's safer in the treatment center, but then you have to come out and learn how to relive again in your life with these tools while you're still trying to go through this withdrawal and stuff. Am I right?


    [0:10:50] Tess: Yeah. I was in treatment for 30 days, so I didn't have any withdrawals or anything at home. But then I went to sober living and did that I think for two weeks. And then I was like, look, my apartment is so close to here, I'm just going to stay there and I'll go to Iop and I'll do all the courses and that kind of stuff. So I did that until June. So that was February till June of more intensive therapy and stuff like that. But then life started getting really tough. I had a friend who died of a Fentanyl overdose at the end of June. He was like 23 years old. And that's when you're like, oh shit, this is real. This actually happens. And so that was a really hard thing to understand because it was someone so unassuming. You're like, oh, that person has it all together. They're doing great. You know what I mean?


    [0:11:41] Brianne Davis: Yeah.


    [0:11:42] Tess: And then that kind of was one of the reasons. And then I had two more instances. One where a really close friend of mine was also in the ICU because of drugs. And then the last one was I came home and my roommate was having some type of overdose from Xanax. And so I was like, if every single person in my life has been closest to me over the past, you know, ten months or so, however long it was, is like dying or nearly dead. Like, I just feel like I was dancing with the devil. And so like, that night after I went home from to my roommate and she was in the hospital, I was like, never again. I can't do this. Because I felt like I was next. So that was October 12, and then my sobriety date was October 13.


    [0:12:30] Brianne Davis: Wow. What? So sad. But at the same time, that's such a God shot for you to like.


    [0:12:38] Tess: Touch that God shot in your face.


    [0:12:40] Brianne Davis: And it's like, this is going to be you next. Look at all these people around you and you have a chance to save yourself.


    [0:12:46] Tess: And the beautiful part of that story is that both of those other two people are now sober as well.


    [0:12:51] Brianne Davis: That makes me so nice.


    [0:12:54] Tess: I know it's very full circle and it's very interesting, right?


    [0:13:00] Brianne Davis: But here's a question that just hit me, and I don't know if you even know how to answer it, but you're younger than me. And I feel like I've been sober for eleven years now and sex and love addiction, but I feel like recently younger and younger people are coming into recovery programs. Twelve step and all that, because I feel like the younger generations are even more disconnected. Are you finding that true with your generation and everything going on?


    [0:13:35] Tess: I don't know what it was like previously, obviously, but for right now there's definitely I'm not the only one. Look at it that way. There's definitely a lot of young women, cool women are meetings because I definitely go to women's meetings more. They're full people of all ages, young, older, the whole nine yards.


    [0:13:56] Brianne Davis: Yeah, the gamut of people.


    [0:13:58] Tess: Sure, there's everyone. But for me, I know getting sober was I had that hole, right? And I kept trying to fill it and nothing was ever filling it. And then when I started getting some clarity and some momentum about what was actually happening around me, the greatest shot that I have to live a life with someone that I'm proud of and I'm proud of who I am and the life of true happiness is to do it sober. And so I was really lucky that I got that revelation at a young point in life, because some people it takes a little bit longer and everyone has their own past and that's totally incredible. But for me, I was really fortunate that I picked it up very young.


    [0:14:37] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I mean, my husband, which he talks about, but he got sober at 19.


    [0:14:42] Tess: That's incredible.


    [0:14:44] Brianne Davis: And he got sober at 19. But what I was talking about is life with the social media, everything being out there, all your personal stuff, this filter society we live in, where you put filters and you make it look perfect, I feel. And I'm getting the gist that more and more people are disconnected from their reality and living.


    [0:15:08] Tess: I would agree, for sure. Which is why I love having these types of conversations. And it's interesting, right? Because I would think, what would it be like if I didn't have an outlet life? AA. Right? That's when you hear the really raw conversations, emotion, all the ups and the downs, life, you hear all of it. But if you don't have the privilege of having a program like that, where do you find that kind of support of that type of authenticity? I don't know. I feel like it would be difficult.


    [0:15:36] Brianne Davis: I don't think it exists anywhere else, honestly, unless you're at a therapist office and you're sitting with a therapist. But a community where people come in and just tell all their shit and all their dirty laundry and they just put it out there and say, I am feeling empty and alone. I mean, where does people say that right now in society?


    [0:15:57] Tess: I mean, 100% agree with you. I have no idea. That's why I think it's so amazing. And also just because this whole COVID quarantine shit that's been happening, it's been so wild. I have found that the people that have coped and dealt with it the best have been addicts or alcoholics or someone in a twelve step program because they know how to deal with chaos in some type of way.


    [0:16:17] Brianne Davis: Yeah, and they turn it over when things are chaotic and we have no control. I mean, this whole situation sees that we have no control over anything in the world. Right?


    [0:16:29] Tess: 100%.


    [0:16:30] Brianne Davis: Or I always thought life, I make my path, I have control over all that stuff. And really we have no control. So it's like turn that over to God or your higher power or whatever you want to call it ASAP, because that's the only way exactly. You find serenity in peace life.


    [0:16:49] Tess: I couldn't have said about it myself. I think people also being so willing to try to figure out a new solution in this time, like, okay, we can't go to physical meetings. We'll do zoom meetings, right? And now you can be anywhere, literally in your house, and connect to however many millions of meetings there are online right now, and just pop in and share your experience, strength, or hope with someone. And we figured it out, and we move forward. And I think that type of adaptability has been huge as well. My fiance is also in a program, and so I feel like every moment with him is a meeting, because that's what they always used to say, that it's just you need two people to have a meeting. That's all it is. It's true.


    [0:17:24] Brianne Davis: I mean, my husband and I, our whole conversation almost every day is about, okay, can we turn that over? How are you feeling? You triggered me when you said this life. It's this whole other form of and it's so lovely to talk to you. I didn't know your fiance or you were engaged is also in a program. How is that as a couple? Can you explain to our listeners?


    [0:17:47] Tess: It's beautiful. It's definitely a blessing because I feel like we both know how to properly communicate and not just say right, that you don't have your ups and downs and your fights and things of that nature. But I think we also met in treatment, so I'll preface that. But our stories definitely coincided on day one, and so we met in treatment, and I disconnected a little bit, and then kind of came full circle, and it's been pretty crazy. I mean, we both go to meetings. We both know what we're supposed to do. We have conversations, we talk about triggered if our feelings are hurt. We use eye statements. We don't try to blame. Not to say that it doesn't get into that we don't have fights and things like that, but it's definitely much more. I feel manageable, and I feel like you feel like you're on the same team. Does that make sense?


    [0:18:38] Brianne Davis: Yeah, it's like you understand, you know.


    [0:18:41] Tess: A partner, you know exactly what everyone's hearing. We're hearing the same message, and we try to live our life that way, which is amazing, because I feel like wherever our home is, it's so peaceful and serene. You can get to that point because, you know, everyone knows what they're supposed to be doing. Does that make sense?


    [0:18:59] Brianne Davis: Right? And I also sometimes if we're having a conversation and we can't work it out, one of us are mostly him, we'll be like, I think you should call your sponsor, which I hate hearing that. I'm like, don't tell me to call my sponsor.


    [0:19:14] Tess: It's so funny, but so true, because it's a thing.


    [0:19:17] Brianne Davis: It's a thing. Don't tell me who to call. Or maybe don't take my inventory.


    [0:19:22] Tess: Yeah, exactly. Don't take my inventory. But that's the best.


    [0:19:26] Brianne Davis: Oh, my God. I remember we had that life a month ago, and I was like, don't tell me to call my sponsor. And then I was like, Damn, I need to call my sponsor.


    [0:19:36] Tess: But more than 99% of the time, essentially, they're right. You're like, yeah, I definitely need to check in. But I was at a dinner the other night, and we were with another couple, and they were talking about how kind of like your partner is almost like your guru. Right. And just bear with me. That is kind of like they teach you things that you still need to learn and understand about yourself. And it's like, okay, if I am looking at this through a way of patience, I definitely need to be more understanding or see it through a different perspective. And so they challenge, I think, the parts of you that still need to be challenged to grow. So that's been the best for me.


    [0:20:09] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I definitely think you pick someone that can trigger those things that you still need to look at, and it's your choice to lean in and do the work and take risks.


    [0:20:19] Tess: Exactly.


    [0:20:20] Brianne Davis: Because I believe if you don't work it out with a healthy partner, that you're just going to be replaying those scenarios with the next person.


    [0:20:30] Tess: Exactly. You're going to replay the same tapes until you figure out how it goes. Yeah, the ego. Ego is happening. There's so much ego and everything that we do as humans, it's like, what best serves me. It's all about me, the whole thing. And then for the first time in my life, when I went through treatment or recovery, it's not so much about me. How can I be of service to you? That's really all it's about. Right. And the whole reason the program exists is so we can pass what we know and help another alcoholic or addict in need.


    [0:21:02] Brianne Davis: Well, that's why I do this podcast. Honestly, I'm only doing it to help others that don't have a voice and don't know how to get out of their ego because they're edging. The edging gods got out. Exactly. And just so you're listening, listeners, everything we're saying, if you would have said to me, like, ten years ago, I would have laughed in your face.


    [0:21:24] Tess: You can tell that we both done some level of work, because it's very understanding that if you would have said this to me at 21, I've been like, what are you on?


    [0:21:31] Brianne Davis: Yeah, life, get out of here. It's a cult.


    [0:21:34] Tess: It's 100% I'm like, I don't relate to any of this.


    [0:21:39] Brianne Davis: And my last question for you, and it's for the listeners especially a younger 23 year old. 22 year old, 21 year old is struggling with excessive alcohol in the lifestyle and all that you encountered what would be your advice for them if they are finding that whole finding that they don't really like themselves or they don't know what's wrong?


    [0:22:03] Tess: Well, it's interesting, right? Because I never once thought that it could possibly be due to alcohol. I was life. I actually felt better when I was drinking, but then I'd be coming home, and I feel hungover the next day, right? And then I would feel worse. And it was just the spiral. Spiral. I kind of felt like, you know, life in Wonderland when she falls down the rabbit hole, I felt like I was always in that free fall. I remember drawing that when they say, draw a picture of Disney figure that you feel like your life relates to. And that's what I drew. I just felt like I was always falling down. And so sometimes I feel like if you've never been around a or things of that nature, you necessarily wouldn't know. Sometimes people are like, hey, I heard your story, or, you want to come to a meeting with me? I didn't have any friends that were in recovery, obviously, because your circle, you kind of are who your circle is, right? People I was hanging around weren't talking about a meetings.


    [0:23:02] Tess: That wasn't my conversation. And so it wasn't until it was such a blessing for people to go to treatment, and I went for literally depression, trauma, and anxiety. And it was so funny because when you were there, you're like, hi, I'm Ted. I'm an alcoholic addict. I was literally there for everything but physical pain because I didn't have any broken bones or major surgeries. So I was in every single program, like addiction, alcoholism, trauma, depression, anxiety, all these different things. But I learned so much from learning. That is how I learned that it was really alcohol and my relationship to alcohol and my relationship to myself that drove me to drinking. That was what I needed to look at. And so I think for me, I was turning to using and drinking because I didn't do the work yet. You know what I mean? I wasn't exposed to doing the work, and I guess I wasn't ready to, otherwise it would have happened earlier, but I had no idea how much work it would take to learn how to that's the only thing that fills the hole is doing the work.


    [0:24:09] Brianne Davis: Oh, yeah.


    [0:24:11] Tess: It's the only thing. And when I started doing that, then I started feeling better, and I was like, okay, this is directly correlated 100%.


    [0:24:22] Brianne Davis: I always say that work you do on yourself, that nobody can take it from you. Nothing on the outside can take it. If your fiance or my husband leaves me or anything. The work you do on yourself is yours and yours alone.


    [0:24:37] Tess: 100%. It's yours and yours alone for forever. Yeah. And that is such a strong thing, I think, and the ability to stay sober through hard things and that just keeps adding to that, you know what I mean? Now, it's what I'm most proud of and it's what I hold probably nearest and dearest to me, in terms of someone who's young and thinking that they might be struggling with the same things, I would suggest life hopping on a meeting and seeing if that's the space where you relate the most. Because it wasn't until I started hearing other stories where I really was like, oh, that's me. I saw myself and other people, I heard similar stories and I was like, hey, it's not the same exact thing, but I can relate to you. I can relate to the same underlying feelings. And that's just why I think the program is so special and why it's so great and help so many people. Because we're all kind of the same but different.


    [0:25:29] Brianne Davis: No, we're all the same. We all have fears of abandonment. We all want to be loved, we all want to feel worthy. And all those things is humans want to feel for sure. Well, thank you for coming on and sharing your story with us.


    [0:25:42] Tess: It is just thank you so much. For having me and I'm so grateful. For you for doing I'm so grateful for having this and being able to share the story on your platform. So thank you so much for having me.


    [0:25:53] Brianne Davis: And if you want to be on the show, please email me at SecretLifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time!


    Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe, write, share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com. And if you like to check out my book, head over to secretlefenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.



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    26m | Mar 13, 2023
  • Amelia: I Kept My Abuse As A Child & As An Adult A Secret For Years

    Have you ever wanted to share a secret but felt you couldn't? On the Secret Life Podcast, we explore the stories of people who have done just that and how their experience changed their lives. From hearing Brianne Davis talk about her journey in getting sober to listening to Amelia discuss her abusive relationship, we're here to make sure you know you're not alone. Tune in and start your journey to self-acceptance, connection, and freedom today.

    *Trigger Warning: Please note that this episode contains the topic of suicide. Some people may find it disturbing. 

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    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

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    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

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    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

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    To find more about Amelia, head over to https://selflovestory.com

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    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

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    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

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    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)




    Transcript


    [0:00:00] Amelia: Like, I think of Secret as, like, these energetic rocks that you carry in your heart, and the more that you hold on to them, the heavier life gets.


    [0:00:17] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine.

    Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, a four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon.

    Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really, the how, what, when, where, and why of it all. Today, my guest is Amelia. Now, Amelia, I have a question for you. Dun dun dun. What is your secret?


    [0:01:30] Amelia: I love the drum roll. Thanks. Actually, I'm really proud to say today that my secret is I have no secret. I know. No, it wasn't always that way, though. It's a big reason why I love what you're doing with this podcast, because I definitely was a woman of many, many secrets for a long, long time.


    [0:01:58] Brianne Davis: Well, first of all, I have to give you a gold star for putting all your crap out there. But my question for you is, when did you decide to let go of all that package?


    [0:02:12] Amelia: And Secret Life would have to say letting go. Like I said, I had many secrets for years.


    [0:02:22] Brianne Davis: Can you tell us some of your old secret?


    [0:02:25] Amelia: Yeah. One of them was that I was abused a lot when I was a little girl, and I didn't share that. It's not because I didn't want to necessarily. It's just because our culture had me believe that I was okay life, it didn't matter. And that, oh, well, it happened a long time ago, so I don't need to look at that and I don't need to talk about it. Clearly, that was wrong.


    [0:02:56] Brianne Davis: Clearly that stays in your body. And when you experience any kind of abuse, if you don't go through it and figure it out, it stays with you. I mean, mine did, for sure, and.


    [0:03:08] Amelia: I had no idea that that was the case at all. And other ones that are kind of like lighter and fun and squirmy is like when I start to have feelings for a friend and life, romantic feelings for a friend, and I just put that all out there too. Now I make it a point, really, to not hold on to any secrets. And the reason why I decided to do that and I started letting them go for the last ten years. Now it takes a while sometimes to start letting them all go because I really learned that holding onto secrets, it holds our power and it has me walk through life heavier and unable to really enjoy connections with people or even my success because there's always that thing weighing you down. I think of secrets as like these energetic rocks that you carry in your heart, and the more that you hold on to them, the heavier life gets. And so once I started letting them go and feeling the difference that life could be being lighter and having more joy and connection and intimacy, that's when I was like, you know what? No more secrets. I'm putting it all out there and I'm freeing myself. It's really about freeing myself and also in freeing other people too.


    [0:04:33] Brianne Davis: What do you mean?


    [0:04:34] Amelia: Well, because it's like when I share something that's personal to me and another person can relate to it, maybe they share it too, and it frees them. Or even just hearing that they're not alone. It frees 100%.


    [0:04:51] Brianne Davis: I mean, that's why I wanted to do this podcast. You know, I let go of this really big secret and I thought the world was going to end and nothing happened. I was like, Wait, nobody really cares? Not that they didn't care, but nobody was like, oh, shame on you, you're a horrible person. And it just made me realize how freeing that felt and it connected me to other people so much more. And that's why I want to do that.


    [0:05:21] Amelia: Absolutely.


    [0:05:22] Brianne Davis: But I want to ask, do you remember one of the first big secrets you let go of? Where you felt that weight kind of lift?


    [0:05:31] Amelia: Oh, yeah. I want to say it was life ten years ago, and I was with some close friends and I don't remember what prompted me to share this, but I had actually I was in a very abusive relationship in college from life ages 19 to 21.


    [0:05:52] Brianne Davis: Was it abusive emotionally or physically all?


    [0:05:57] Amelia: It started off verbally and then mentally he would get in my head and then it eventually got really physical. And when it got physical, that's when I really, really felt trapped. And I didn't tell anybody. I was going to school, taking my test, hanging out with friends, acting like nothing was wrong.


    [0:06:16] Brianne Davis: Why did you keep that a secret?


    [0:06:21] Amelia: I don't even know. I was just so ashamed that people would know that I was so stupid enough to get into that situation. And I was also just so afraid of him that my life was consumed by my fear of him and by trying to not make him mad and trying to just make sure that he stays happy. And then when he was mad, it would be a big blow up. So my life was also just consumed by that as well, that I couldn't really I didn't have time to really tell anybody else. But then I didn't want my friends or my family or people to look at me a certain way or be disappointed in me or think like, oh, you're supposed to be smart and you're supposed to know what you're doing and how did you end up in this relationship? And he also would convince me to not tell people life, oh, are you really going to let people know that I'm a horrible person? You know that I'm not bad, you know that I love you and that's.


    [0:07:29] Brianne Davis: How manipulative it's like mind game and I love you. I didn't mean but I do have a question about that and I'm curious. Do you think the mental and emotional abuse was worse than the physical or I know all of it is bad, I just want to know which was harder for you to move past.


    [0:07:48] Amelia: Definitely the mental and the emotional because that gets deep in the soul and deep in all the cracks of my insecurities. And also I think that's what broke me down to even get to the point where it got physical. And one thing that I say to people about this because people don't understand like, oh, well if he hits you then you can just leave. It's not that simple. Life. Abusive relationships go on for as long as they do because it's like a little by little conditioning that happens that then just becomes a habit. And then it's like, this is just how the relationship is. And it's like all this pile of shame built on top and secret and lies and trying to hide. And then it becomes this really big convoluted web that feels really hard to get out of.


    [0:08:41] Brianne Davis: Yeah, you're life isolated and alone because you're not sharing that with anybody. I also had a really good friend a long time ago. Her husband almost killed her and went to jail. And as soon as he got out, she went and went back to him and no one could understand. But when I talked to her, she said the exact same thing. It was like this complex situation that all this shame and isolation and all that.


    [0:09:08] Amelia: Yeah, it really becomes a really strong attachment that it doesn't make logical sense, but if there's like a conditioning around it that's like, this is what I know, so this is what I'm going to go back to and oh gosh, I have such empathy for that, to go back to that person. But thankfully for me, I definitely broken away from him for good. But actually I did go back again.


    [0:09:36] Brianne Davis: You did?


    [0:09:38] Amelia: Briefly for a couple of night fling.


    [0:09:43] Brianne Davis: Did anybody know about that or is that actually secret?


    [0:09:46] Amelia: No, that's the secret we got. You.


    [0:09:52] Brianne Davis: Not like that's a great thing. No, but I'm saying we all have these little things we just don't tell people. And you think you're life light and free and done with secrets, but really? We still hold secrets sometimes.


    [0:10:05] Amelia: Yeah, no, I said I have no secret, knowing that I probably do, but yeah, so we can always uncover or something. But yeah, actually, as I was saying it to you, I was like, oh, my gosh, I actually never told anyone about that. So that's technically a secret. Well, now I told you, so now it's out there.


    [0:10:26] Brianne Davis: Now you're free of it. But you were talking about the moment, that moment where you let that big one go. I think it was about this relationship.


    [0:10:34] Amelia: Yeah. And the other big part of that secret was that when I was in such a desperate moment to get away from him, when he was really like, berating me and emailing me and texting me and calling me and I was trying to get away, like, I really was. And he was saying things like, you're worthless and you should just kill yourself, and you're so selfish, and all these life terrible bad names that start with B's and C's and FS and all of that. And I was so desperate, I didn't know what to do. I just went to the store and I bought all this ad bill and pills and nightclub and I drank a bunch of it and I just wanted to get away. I didn't want to take my life. It was an interesting thing to explain to the doctors because as soon as I did that, I immediately went to a friend and I was like, I need you to take me to the hospital. This is what I just did.


    [0:11:35] Brianne Davis: Right.


    [0:11:37] Amelia: And so that was the other big part of the secret that I let go in that moment. And I think that's probably what sparked me to say that, because I think it was a group of close friends and we were just like, naturally revealing stuff to each other. And someone mentioned something about thoughts of suicide and things like that. And I mentioned I attempted it once and so then I told them the whole story and why, but it was really like a cry for help for me because I did not want to take my life. I just wanted to do something to be like, leave me alone. Kind of like a scream for help.


    [0:12:15] Brianne Davis: I mean, I remember my first year when I was getting sober in my program. I didn't want to be on this earth. I didn't want to commit suicide, but I definitely wanted to crawl out of my skin, not be on this earth because the pain and everything I was experiencing was too much. And it sounds like similar thing. You were in this painful situation with this person that was abusing you and you could not get out of it, and you just didn't want to be here anymore for that.


    [0:12:44] Amelia: Yeah, I love that. Thank you for describing it that way because it just sounded weird to me to be like, okay, so you went to the store, you bought all this stuff, but you didn't want to commit suicide. And it was like, no, I just didn't want to feel the pain anymore. I just wanted him to stop. And he wouldn't stop. If I was crying, if I was screaming, if I was hitting at him, throwing things, life, stop, stop. He would not stop. And so, yeah, I just didn't want to feel that anymore. Yeah. So hard. Dark times.


    [0:13:16] Brianne Davis: Dark times. And listen, I'm sure the listeners, we all have them, we've all been through our own journeys, but I think that's beautiful that you cried for help and then you shared it. And that moment of letting go, was it euphoric or was there, like, a crash afterwards?


    [0:13:39] Amelia: I definitely think one of my favorite terms is vulnerability hangover, where after you share something really deep and real and the next day you're like, oh, my gosh, did that just happen? I believe I probably had a little bit of that the next day. But in the moment, to be with those close friends and to be received with love, and they didn't try to fix anything or change anything or even say anything. It was just to be heard and witnessed and loved. I mean, that yeah, it felt as euphoric as like as if there was a big boulder on my chest and someone finally lifted it off. I felt like I could load for a second because it was like, oh, my gosh, I let that go. Yeah. Even just describing it, I feel it again, and I'm just like, that's so good. It feels so good.


    [0:14:31] Brianne Davis: It's the best feeling. And when I was even asking people to be on this, they're life. I'm not comfortable sharing it. And I'm saying this to you, I'm not saying who these people were, but I was like, you will feel so much better, life. No one will know it's you. I promise. It will be so much lighter. And they're like, I'm not ready. And I was like, okay. To each his own.


    [0:14:51] Amelia: Yeah, absolutely. I think when we're carrying so much, like I said, I used to have a lot of secret, and I was just so used to it. But I think when that first big boulder got removed, it was like, oh, I can do this. And I think, too, the thing to remember is you don't want to tell the world everything. I think it's also knowing who is safe and who will be there to witness their secret. Or even on a podcast like this, where you can be anonymous. I think that's also very healing, where it's like hundreds of people can hear it and they don't even have to know it's you. But even just saying it out loud is so freeing. Yeah, absolutely.


    [0:15:39] Brianne Davis: So you said you've gone through this process and you've let go of all these secrets, and it's been years, life. My journey has been like, eleven years. And so each time you did it, what came about? Is there something specific? Like, each time you let go, you felt, like, a little different?


    [0:16:00] Amelia: Yeah. Each time I let go, even if it was like little ones or big ones, I would feel a little bit freer, a little bit lighter, a little bit life, more possibility, a little bit more loved. Especially if I was letting it go to someone, another human being, and then having them just witness it and hear it. It just was like, there's just that moment where I'm like, I can really let that go now. I really don't have to carry that and have that in the back of my mind, because the energy that it takes to hide these things, we don't think it takes a lot of energy until we do let it go, and we're like, whoa, that would take a lot of energy.


    [0:16:47] Brianne Davis: It takes so much energy, and it also keeps you so disconnected from other people. That's what I felt like I felt every time I had a secret. Even if it was like a teeny thing you would never thought would keep you separate from someone, but it does.


    [0:17:02] Amelia: It's kind of like where you have the pebble in your shoe and no one else can see it, and you could easily pretend to walk and be like, whatever else, I don't feel like taking my shoe off right now, so I'll just keep walking. But little by little, it'll start to get at your foot and eventually probably cut it up or just be really uncomfortable. And it's not impossible to walk with that, and no one else will know unless you're like, there's a pebble in my shoe. So it's kind of like that, but it's really annoying. And the more you walk with it, the worse it'll feel over time, until you're finally like, oh, my gosh, I lost a toe. I guess I should have removed that pebble a long time ago.


    [0:17:44] Brianne Davis: Or you get, like, a callus, and then it starts life building up that hard skin as I was like, you're building up that hard shell on your outside. People are like, please don't talk about feet right now. But that's what I keep thinking of.


    [0:17:58] Amelia: Life.


    [0:17:58] Brianne Davis: Every little secret, every little lie just builds a shell around yourself.


    [0:18:04] Amelia: Yes. And yeah, you might be, quote, unquote, protected. However, it's also keeping you from life. The love and the joy and connection you can feel. And even with the closest people in your life, that actually adds to the pain. So now you're carrying this weight of all these rocks for, like, mixing metaphors here, but you're carrying the weight of all these rocks, but now you're wearing all these layers, and you're just underneath all these layers, and you can't actually feel people anymore to the extent that you're but then you get used to it. And then you wonder, why am I so unhappy? Life there could be alone.


    [0:18:42] Brianne Davis: Why am I so alone? Why do I feel uncomfortable?


    [0:18:47] Amelia: And it's like, well, years and years of conditioning yourself to build those layers and carry those rocks and that weight. That's why it's myself. Just let it go.


    [0:18:57] Brianne Davis: But here's my question for you, because I know you're starting to work with this, like, self love and helping people find their authentic, true selves. But my question for you and I always and I already kind of know the answer when I answer it myself, but from your perspective, when people are struggling, why do they have so much trouble asking for help when they have these secrets that they know they need help with? Why can't people ask for help?


    [0:19:26] Amelia: Well, I think one of the big things is we're conditioned not to. I mean, from the time at least here in the United States, because this is where I went to school from the time you're in first grade, you're conditioned not to cheat, quote, unquote, which means you're conditioned not to ask other people for help. Like from the time we're six years old, we're taught, oh, if you ask someone else for help, that means you weren't good enough to do it on your own. And I think our schooling system, a lot of our schooling systems condition us that way and our culture, too. It's like there's this sense of pride and life completing something on your own and doing it all yourself, and this belief that asking for help is a sign of weakness and also just the vulnerability of sharing your true, authentic emotions. Life it's interesting how when we talk about if I'm crying, that means I'm falling apart or crying is weakness. So there's all these associations that we have with things that are actually really natural, but then we attach like a negative meaning to it. And actually, one of my friends, we were talking about something random today because the time that we're recording this, it's raining here in New York City, which is where I am right now. And we were talking about how, oh, it's so ugly outside. And then we were like, isn't that interesting how rain and thunderstorms are so natural, yet we call it ugly.


    [0:20:49] Brianne Davis: Oh, I don't I love when it rains. I love weather storms. But that is interesting because people are like, oh, it's gross outside. And I'm like, the earth is cleaning itself. I think it's beautiful, right?


    [0:21:02] Amelia: And I think thunderstorms are with the darkness and then the lightning and the sound, it's beautiful. But it's interesting. Life, when we notice as something as simple as the weather, that we attach a negative meaning to something that's natural. So crying, feeling sad, feeling angry, feeling jealous, feeling greedy, life, all of those things are natural things. And then it's like, oh, if you're crying, you're falling apart, you're weak if you're sad. And that's showing your weakness. And that means that they win life, there's just this win, lose, good, bad.


    [0:21:36] Brianne Davis: Instead of it just being neutral, just is what it is. You're sad today. You're feeling your feelings today. And the beautiful thing and I'm trying to teach my son, too, that we're talking about life, feeling your emotions and crying that I allow him to cry. I'm like, I know you're upset. It's okay, because I don't want those feelings to get trapped in him. Like, it happened to me, it's happened to other especially young boys.


    [0:22:03] Amelia: Yeah, absolutely. Especially. That's so beautiful. I love that.


    [0:22:09] Brianne Davis: But here's the next question. I only have a couple more, but what do you think the benefit is that people keep secrets? And what do you think the harm it causes them, from your perspective?


    [0:22:27] Amelia: The benefit of keeping secrets is you avoid the negative reaction or the backlash that you will get. That's kind of why a little bit earlier I mentioned about there is such a thing as, like, revealing too much and also revealing to the wrong people. And so I think we keep them because we don't know how the other person is going to react. And I'm reminded of a wonderful Brene Brown quote about vulnerability, where it's like vulnerability is about showing up authentically exactly as you are. I'm paraphrasing, even though we don't know what the outcome is going to be. And so the benefit, though, life, for example, life, me not telling a friend that I've fallen in love with him, the benefit is that I don't have to face potential rejection if he doesn't feel the same way.


    [0:23:16] Brianne Davis: Right, right.


    [0:23:18] Amelia: But the harm it does is that's another rock that I'm holding on to. And also he doesn't know that someone loves him in that way. So I think any secret you could probably find life a benefit and a harm.


    [0:23:35] Brianne Davis: Right.


    [0:23:35] Amelia: And so with my big secret, the benefit I guess I got was I didn't know what would happen if everybody knew that I was in this abusive relationship life. What were they going to be? Cops coming to my house and people asking me all kinds of questions and being like, why did you get together with him? Why didn't you tell us sooner? I think we just make up this we think of the worst case scenario of what could happen when we reveal the secret. And so we want to avoid that worst case scenario, and that's why we don't reveal. And so we think that's a benefit, but really it's the harm. Yeah, and then the harm, there's harm to yourself because you're holding on to it. That pebble that's going to eventually cut you up or create calluses and stuff. And also, there's so many ways that it could harm other people in your life as well.


    [0:24:29] Brianne Davis: And my last question for you is if someone else was going through the situation that you went through, or what would be the advice, like, letting go of your secrets for people.


    [0:24:40] Amelia: Yeah, I really love this question and the first tiniest step you can do is admitting the secret to yourself. Even if you say it out loud to yourself. Or maybe it's even too hard to say it out loud, although that's what I would recommend because hearing your own voice and feeling it released from your body physically will also release it. You don't necessarily have to tell someone else, but even if you just life write it down at first. For me, when I'm feeling sad, sometimes it's really melancholy because I have life a tendency towards melancholy and sometimes I just have to say out loud, like to myself in my room, like I'm sad, I'm really sad or I'm heartbroken. And even just saying it out loud to myself relieves a lot of that weight. And so I would say don't feel pressured to life, tell the world or hop on a podcast or scream from the come on, but also definitely come onto the podcast. But I'll say a tiny step, right, would be to first admit it to yourself. And then I think from there a natural next step would be who's a trusted friend or trusted advisor or mentor that you can reveal it to. Because I will say too, revealing it to another human being is so freeing. So more than admitting it to yourself and you can say to them, I just need you to listen and love me, I don't need a solution, I don't need a fix or whatever, right? But just please, while you sit, I'm about to reveal something that's really big and just have them witness and love you through it. But first step to yourself if it feels like too much and then get on brief show.


    [0:26:37] Brianne Davis: Yes. Then come on and reveal it to me because I have no judgment.


    [0:26:42] Amelia: Exactly.


    [0:26:43] Brianne Davis: Well, if people wanted to find you, find out what you're doing now to build the self love to letting go of past trauma, where would they find you?


    [0:26:52] Amelia: Yeah, absolutely. So my website is selflovestory.com. So just all one word, selflovestory.com. And when you go there, there's a ton of free resources. I actually just revamped my website where you can look at three different categories dating and relationships, career and business or money and abundance. And when you click whichever category you want, there's like free videos, podcasts, blogs, all kinds of just free resources there for you to devour. And I'm really happy because this is a recent new revamp of my website. I know sometimes it takes a lot to reach out to someone. There's always a possibility to reach out to me through my website, but I know that that's a big step sometimes. So I like to just give the resources that you can read and listen to and there's a lot, a lot there for you.


    [0:27:45] Brianne Davis: Well, thank you so much for coming on and sharing your past secret and also revealing a new secret that you didn't even know you were carrying.


    [0:27:54] Amelia: I know you're really good at this. Definitely get on the show, guys. Well, thank you.


    [0:28:00] Brianne Davis: I appreciate it so much.


    [0:28:02] Amelia: You're welcome. Thank you for having me on.


    [0:28:05] Brianne Davis: And if you want to be on the show, please email me at SecretLife Podcast@icloud.com. Until next time.

    Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate, share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com. And if you would like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.



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    28m | Mar 6, 2023
  • Alexandra: I Suffered Verbal Abuse in My Marriage

    Alexandra and Brianne explore the hidden epidemic of verbal abuse. Hear Alexandra’s story of marriage, trauma, and recovery. Gain insight into how to identify and escape verbal abuse. Learn ways to process the experience and regain joy. From understanding the danger of verbal abuse to setting healthy boundaries, this podcast offers a necessary and empowering journey of healing.

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    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

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    ABOUT OUR GUEST:

    Alexandra Eva-May is a divorcee, podcast host, wellness warrior, mental health advocate, new mother, survivor of infertility, writer, blogger, motivational speaker and recently, a best-selling author of the book, Her Awakening. You can grab your copy on Amazon!

    For more info: https://www.thesplendidpath.com/

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    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

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    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)


    Transcript


    [0:00:00] Alexandra: So for me, like, for a long time after, like, any kind of conflict with a man is just like hugely triggering. Because my experience was this will lead to someone saying these awful things to you.


    [0:00:18] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine.

    Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to see your life podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing.


    [0:01:19] Brianne Davis: Really, the how, what, when, where and why would it all. Today. My guest is Alexandra. Now, Alexandra, I have a question for you. Duhn, Duhn Duhn. What is your secret?


    [0:01:33] Alexandra: So my secret is that when I was married, I was suffering verbal abuse silently within my marriage and I didn't tell anyone that it was my secret.


    [0:01:45] Brianne Davis: How long did that go on for?


    [0:01:47] Alexandra: It was over the extent of the marriage and the marriage wasn't very long. I was married for about a year, I guess, that we were together, living together. The marriage continued. Like, we didn't get a divorce right away, but we were together for about a year and it went on throughout kind of the whole time.


    [0:02:03] Brianne Davis: How long were you guys together, though, before you got married together?


    [0:02:09] Alexandra: We were together probably before the marriage, I think it was six or seven years.


    [0:02:14] Brianne Davis: Oh, wow. So you waited.


    [0:02:19] Alexandra: We started dating when we were, I think we were like 23, 22, 23. So young. Yeah, and then we just kind of dated. We even lived together for three years before we got married. And then we got married and then it started happening. So it was crazy.


    [0:02:39] Brianne Davis: You know, that's so fascinating because I thought, honestly, you were going to say after you said that you guys were together for like six months and then you got together and got married and I was like, oh, did you not know the person? Because I feel like a lot of people rush into things not knowing. But you knew the person.


    [0:02:56] Alexandra: Yeah. And the thing with what I experienced, he could be that way with, say, friends or even family members, but he never did it to me. So in my young, immature, naive brain, I thought, well, he's not doing it to me, so it's okay. Well, he's never okay. And that would be like one thing I would say to any man or woman because it can happen to anyone.


    [0:03:21] Brianne Davis: Yes.


    [0:03:22] Alexandra: What they do to other people or what they say to other people. And in my context of man. So, like, what a man does to other people or women he will do to you in your marriage even if he's not doing it before when you're dating, it will eventually you will become the target.


    [0:03:38] Brianne Davis: Can you give me some examples? Because I know people are listening out there and even if they're experienced it, there's something about we downplay it to ourselves because we don't want to believe that it's happening for sure.


    [0:03:51] Alexandra: So when it was happening throughout my life, nobody had spoken to me like that or treated me like that ever. So when it started to happen that way, it just felt so foreign. I didn't know how to make sense of it. So again, yeah, I just kind of downplayed it in my mind. But it was subtle things. Like subtle, like sarcastic, jabs, passive aggressive comments. But it can also be really overt things. Like with him, like being called a bitch or being told, like, there's something inherently wrong with you. And so it's like these we sometimes say these things very loosely, I guess. But when it's targeted at you from the person that's supposed to love you the most, it's so unsettling and it just unsettles your idea about yourself.


    [0:04:34] Brianne Davis: Yeah.


    [0:04:39] Alexandra: It would come when there was a conflict in the relationship and he was in a place of stress and that's how he dealt with it. I understand. So for me, for a long time after, any kind of conflict with a man is just, like, hugely triggering. Because my experience was this will lead to someone saying these awful things to you.


    [0:04:58] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Because you guys were together for six years and you saw him call, like, other people bitches or talk bad about other people in his life or coworkers or whatever. Right?


    [0:05:11] Alexandra: Yeah, it could be, say, I have seen it. He would talk about not my female friends, necessarily, but, like, female sometimes that were strong will and he would say, called him a bitch. And at the time, like I said, it's not okay. It's never okay to use that language towards anybody, especially women. But like I said, I was young, I was naive, I was in love. And I kind of was like, oh, well, he doesn't mean it. He doesn't actually believe it. But now, looking back, he probably did. And eventually I became the target.


    [0:05:50] Brianne Davis: So why do you think that happened? Because you were finally, completely committed to him and, like, the marriage. Do you even remember the first time it happened?


    [0:06:01] Alexandra: Sort of like I kind of do. Yes, actually, I do. It was about, I think, three months in and I can't remember the specific incident. It's crazy. I can remember because it led to trauma. I can very much remember how I felt. And I can relive moments of the moment, but I can't remember all the details, which is kind of interesting.


    [0:06:24] Brianne Davis: Not really, because we black it out when there's trauma or ptsd, when there's, like, a bad breakup or bad toxic relationship that creates trauma in our body, and we cut off some of our memory to make it easier for our psyche to handle.


    [0:06:40] Alexandra: Yeah. Three months in. Like I said, it just is so foreign. And it's just like, all of a sudden, it's like being hit without being hit, and then you have this invisible wound, but no burgess to show for it. That's how I kind of look at it. So it kept happening. And then eventually, when we did split up, I had so much trauma. And I just thought it was from the end of my marriage, because it was quite sudden, which was very it was traumatic itself. But there was so much trauma for years that was just about the verbal abuse. And I didn't realize that actually till like, a year ago when I was having I would have sometimes conflict with my partner, which we do. Like in a relationship, we have conflict. And I would have these massive overreactions.


    [0:07:28] Brianne Davis: Over hysterical historical hysterical historical.


    [0:07:37] Alexandra: Classic trauma reactions. Like, I would need to go to an enclosed space. I would close the bathroom door. I would flee, get a fight fight or flight fight.


    [0:07:53] Brianne Davis: I always ran to the bathroom and shut the door whenever I was in conflict.


    [0:07:58] Alexandra: Yeah. And then it would get to the point. Also, sometimes I would fight. I would just react extreme. And then I just sat in that and we sarah and he was like, Why am I reacting? And I realized I still had a lot of trauma to work through. And my trigger, like I said, was a conflict with any man, because with ix, I would either be called back or I would just avoid conflict altogether to avoid kind of that aggression coming at you. Yeah. And for him, he dealt with stress, like I said, anxiety and anger by lashing out. I'm not saying it's okay, but it helped me understand the whole experience, I guess.


    [0:08:41] Brianne Davis: Do you know if his parents fight like that or he was raised well.


    [0:08:47] Alexandra: His story his dad wasn't around, and I'm not sure, growing up how his family relationship was, but I would imagine he thought somewhere that it became okay.


    [0:09:02] Brianne Davis: Or when it became normalized.


    [0:09:05] Alexandra: Yeah. And in his life, too, because, like I said, I would sometimes see it with friends or whoever, and people kind of they didn't expect it from us, but they just are like, oh, that's just like him. It's okay. It's just him. And I think sometimes with people that have damaging behaviors or toxic behaviors or abusive behaviors, there's not enough people that say it's not okay.


    [0:09:29] Brianne Davis: Usually it's hard. It's hard. I think, when you just said earlier, and I want to go back to it, that it was like getting punched, but you don't see the bruise. And that's what I always say, like, those toxic behaviors, those toxic relationships when they're not physical, not that either is worse than the other, but it's like a million little cuts that you don't see that you're killing yourself with. Like someone's doing these little cuts all over you and you're bleeding out and you have no idea, and you can't see it 100%.


    [0:10:04] Alexandra: And I'm a big reader. I try to reading things. And after our relationship ended, I read this book. I think it's called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. I believe that's the title. And she listed off all these different ways someone could be verbally abusive. And some of it's like that outright swearing at you, that kind of thing. But it's like little stuff, like yeah, like sarcastic comments about any kind of aspirations you have, or passive aggression or stonewalling gas lighting. Gas lighting. It's all kind of part of that. And I realized he didn't check off all the boxes, but it was a lot more than I even realized myself. And when I actually sat down and I remember one day after I wrote in my journal everything, I could remember all the different things he had said. And I couldn't believe the list that I compiled because I think in the moment when it was happening, I just tried to not black it out, but forget it real fast. The secret, I guess I didn't tell anybody till after because I was really ashamed. So I think and I think this is for, like, a lot of abuse survivors, whether it's physical or emotional, financial or verbal, we feel shame because we actively, I guess, chose this relationship.


    [0:11:25] Alexandra: We've got along with it, and even though someone's treating us badly, we continue to stay.


    [0:11:31] Brianne Davis: Yeah.


    [0:11:32] Alexandra: And so there's a shame that you're continuing to stay because abuse isn't black and white. Like this person that's doing these awful things. When you're being abused, you don't look at them as, like, a monster. You look at, like, their behavior. Like, this is like when you make.


    [0:11:45] Brianne Davis: Excuses and you, oh, he had a bad day at work. He lost his job. We couldn't pay that bill. You always make excuses and then you try to turn towards the moments. Oh, but he was so loving the day before. Or, he bought me that sweater or something. Yeah.


    [0:12:02] Alexandra: And if you have money I realized in this episode, I even made excuse. I was like, when he was stressed, he would do this. Which is kind of an excuse because.


    [0:12:08] Brianne Davis: It'S never yeah, you said it three times. She said it three times. You're still trying to justify the abuse. And you're like, I know, I understand. He's probably going through a lot. And it's like, no, he didn't.


    [0:12:26] Alexandra: Even pass that. I realized what he did and that it was wrong. And sitting here making excuses. So I think you feel shame, or at least I did, because well, first of all, if you tell people, if you start telling people they're going to tell you to leave, they're going to right away say leave. And maybe you're not in a position to leave, whether it's like kids or whatever.


    [0:12:46] Brianne Davis: And financial.


    [0:12:49] Alexandra: You'Re just, like, not ready to throw in a towel or something.


    [0:12:51] Brianne Davis: Or a love addict. There's a lot of people that stay in those relationships because they're addicted to that person.


    [0:12:58] Alexandra: Yeah. And for me, well, I was raised in a Catholic family, so I had that. We were married, and I wasn't super young, but I was, like, 29, which is young, is in the marriage sector. I wasn't 50 or anything. So I also felt like I couldn't leave because I just sort of gotten married, and I felt like I was young to be going through a divorce. And there was a lot of shame with a divorce itself. And I felt so shamed that someone was treating me like this. And I let it be okay, sort of because I didn't leave.


    [0:13:35] Brianne Davis: Yeah, but here's the thing, and I also is it because you were just married, too? Because it happened pretty quick. Usually it doesn't happen so fast.


    [0:13:45] Alexandra: Yeah, that was kind of crazy because.


    [0:13:48] Brianne Davis: I remember someone that was in a bad relationship and they just got married, and she's like, we just spent all this money on the wedding. And I was like, who cares? But it's hard to tell someone when they're wanting something to work so badly.


    [0:14:02] Alexandra: Well, yeah, and like I mentioned earlier, we had been together for six or seven years, lived together for three years, and so, like, people exactly, they were like, didn't you know? Like, how could you not know? And even my mom asked me that. Like, how could you not know? And it was like, well, yeah, I saw the sign, but I was never the victim. I was never the target until we got married. And then, yeah, like you said, it happened so fast. So I felt like, how could I get married and then just split up so fast? I would feel so embarrassed about it. Even though you're right, like, who cares?


    [0:14:35] Brianne Davis: Now?


    [0:14:35] Alexandra: I don't care if I ever ended that relationship again, I will leave like this.


    [0:14:40] Brianne Davis: But you're right, you can't tell people to leave, because I work with a lot of people, and I can't ever tell them to leave. I can say, I suggest this. This is what should be. This is how you should talk. But you can't make someone leave a bad situation. You just can't.


    [0:14:55] Alexandra: And sometimes I think you're also so connected to that person, and so you protect them. That's the big thing with abuse, too. We protect our abusers. And so someone's saying you should just leave sometimes feels like a bit of an attack, even though you're not you're trying to help and you're trying to tell them, no, you need to go. But I think if you're suffering it at the time, it can feel, and then you can just turn into the relationship more. Because you're like oh, yeah.


    [0:15:23] Brianne Davis: Because you're like, yeah, you stick it out, and then you kind of start blocking out other people and just trying to focus, like, fixing this relationship, which you can't fix the person. Right. Did you do that towards the end or anything?


    [0:15:36] Alexandra: No, I think because I hadn't experienced abuse in my life. I was raised by relatively healthy parents, and my friends were all very healthy for the most part in life.


    [0:15:48] Brianne Davis: Come on, come on, please. I believe everybody has some sort of ism. Everybody goes some place where they don't want to feel their feeling.


    [0:15:59] Alexandra: That's true. Yes.


    [0:16:00] Brianne Davis: Don't believe her. everybody's got problems.


    [0:16:05] Alexandra: Yeah, that's true. But I just had never been abused. I guess I just didn't have that understanding. So when it was happening, it was just so boring, and it was just felt so extreme. So for me, instead of trying to fix him, I weathered it for a while, and I thought in my head, maybe this will change. I didn't do anything on my end to change him. I guess I just thought, maybe it will stop. And then just like, it didn't. And I was just like and at one point, it just like in one of our interactions, it was an episode of verbal abuse, and I was just like I had been kind of pushing it down and pushing it down, just dealing with it, and then I literally exploded. I remember that incident. I was just like, you know what? I want a divorce. And then I just got my stuff and I left.


    [0:16:54] Brianne Davis: Wait, you're the one that asked for divorce?


    [0:16:57] Alexandra: Yeah.


    [0:16:58] Brianne Davis: So what happened that got you to a place where you were like, Enough. What was that moment?


    [0:17:05] Alexandra: Well, I think it's like that fight or flight for the whole time it was happening, I was like, or avoiding. Right? Like, I was avoiding it, and I was, like, pushing it down. I guess I wasn't flying away, so I wasn't doing flight, but I was just, like, avoiding it.


    [0:17:19] Brianne Davis: Right.


    [0:17:19] Alexandra: And then that pushing down, eventually it kind of exploded in this incident. And that was like, the flight. Like, I want I want a divorce, but also flight because I just left.


    [0:17:27] Brianne Davis: Right.


    [0:17:27] Alexandra: But then I always thought in my head I might go back, even though I had said those words and I had laughed. I thought, well, maybe people reconcile, and maybe this will be the moment where he'll like, okay, I need to go to therapy and I figure this out. But he never really did, and he never really put in like, he I imagine in his mind, he thought he fought for the relationship after the marriage, but I didn't feel it. And so after we split up because it didn't there were still episodes of, like, sarcasm and passive aggression, and so I just kind of never went back. And then we had talks and stuff, but I just never returned to the marriage. And I just realized that I wanted not only more for myself, but I wanted kids. So I thought, if I'm going to have children, there's no way I would ever want them to be spoken to like that from their father. So if I want children, I need to end this marriage and seek out another relationship or whatever that looks like. And also just for me, even if I never had kids or never had another relationship, it's way better to be alone and feel sane and happy and healthy versus in a relationship where someone is making you not only not feel loved, but also, like, you start hating yourself. It was great. At the end of the relationship, I would talk to my best friend and just like, the words I was saying what myself were just so untrue.


    [0:18:53] Brianne Davis: Like, what were you saying?


    [0:18:54] Alexandra: So I was saying things like, I would be telling her stories, and then I would pause, like, but I'm just like, I'm not a good communicator. And she saw you, alex, my job as a teacher. I'm an elementary teacher. She's like you're a teacher. You talk the whole pace like you're not a bad communicator. Oh, okay. That's weird. Why am I saying this? Or maybe things like, I'm quite a sensitive person. She's like you're not. You're not sensitive.


    [0:19:29] Brianne Davis: Isn't it so funny that we try to turn it in on ourselves? Always, like, to take responsibility for someone else hurting us. We then turn it and twist it and make it about ourselves, like, there's something wrong with ourselves. Did you do that a lot at the end or during the relationship? After?


    [0:19:50] Alexandra: Yeah, it was crazy. That honestly, it was very traumatic. Obviously, I just pushed it away while it was happening, and then it was after the fact. After we split up, I had a full year of just a really dark depression. And during that time, it was just like I was just, like, saying horrible things to myself about myself. Like, no one's going to love you. Because he also told me that it's going to take a very special person to love me again.


    [0:20:18] Brianne Davis: Oh, my God, I want to strangle him right now. Everybody worse being loved. Like, if you're on this planet right now and you're born, you're worth loving. If anybody's telling anybody out there, that is the most abusive thing to say to somebody.


    [0:20:33] Alexandra: Yeah, it was stuff like that. Like I said, it was swearing. But it was also things like, there's something inherently wrong with you. It's going to take a special person to love you. There's something wrong with your family. So it took a long time of like, I believe these things, and then it took a while, and then I started seeing it to myself. I don't need to plug anything, but I have a book coming out. And in the book, I kind of talk about, like, I said these horrible things to myself after we split up for a long time, and I all of a sudden realized nobody's abusing me but myself. I was doing it.


    [0:21:10] Brianne Davis: I was the person to me, that's so fascinating. You just said that because I had a moment like that the other night, and I haven't talked about it, but I'm the villain of my story. I'm the one that speaks to myself the worse than anybody else. And I had this moment at 03:00 A.m. That I woke up and my subconscious was like, you're a loser. You're not good enough, all this stuff. And I literally was telling my brain, like, Stop. It's not true. But when other people tell you those things, you then start to believe them.


    [0:21:44] Alexandra: Yeah, and I think I wrote once, I said something like he had said words that planted invisible roots in my mind, and they were really hard to pull out. And I think that's what verbal abuse does and other abuse, but like, verbal abuse, it like, plants these roots and they grab your brain, and it's really hard to just pull them out and get them out of there because you're like, well, if they said it, there must be some truth to it. But there's not. Typically. There's not. Well, not usually. It's almost always about them. Always about them, not you.


    [0:22:19] Brianne Davis: Yeah. So you went through this dark, dark place. I mean, how dark did it go for you?


    [0:22:25] Alexandra: I talked about this online on social media and my blog. I went through depression and anxiety, and I was in a place like, I have suicidal ideation secretly again, that was another secret.


    [0:22:39] Brianne Davis: Here's another secret.


    [0:22:43] Alexandra: I remember that year after we split up, we still had the house we were trying to sell. And I'd be in that house, like, alone, and I would be coping by drinking, like, bottle after bottle of wine kind of thing, crying alone. And in those moments, I remember I had, like I thought I had written in my journal, like, I just want to, like, melt to the ground things. Like, I felt like I wanted to die.


    [0:23:06] Brianne Davis: Like disappear? Yeah.


    [0:23:07] Alexandra: Yeah, disappear. And I would sit there on the floor and I would like empty pill bottles. That's how I decided I would do it. And, like, every time I thought, okay, this is the time, I never did, because I didn't want to die. I realized what I wanted was to be free of what was going on in my mind. But at the time, I was suffering depression, so I couldn't logic that out at the time.


    [0:23:30] Brianne Davis: No, you can't. And that's the thing. I mean, I write about it in the book too. I love that you have a book coming out and telling your story. But it's like, I write about all these moments. You think about your death, and you're like, what is it going to be like? People are going to do this. Even at the beginning of my recovery, I talk about, like, I wish I wanted to just drive my car into the middle of the median just because I didn't want to feel this pain anymore. And you don't know what to do with it. The only thing I can say, and I think that's what you're saying, is you have to walk through it. You have to walk through that pain.


    [0:24:04] Alexandra: You have to. Otherwise it will continue to haunt you as long as you don't face it. If you can do it by yourself, great.


    [0:24:15] Brianne Davis: I don't know anybody that can do it by themselves. Because you can't fix your brain when your brain is what's? Sick.


    [0:24:23] Alexandra: Yeah, I need a therapy. Like, I need therapy. I didn't need pharmaceutical. That was something we talked about. But I decided in the moment, because event and experience created this, I thought, I can work through it in different ways. Because I hadn't been suffering, arguably, I hadn't had a chemical imbalance my whole life. So I was like, well, I'm going to try. And then that was always an option. Tosserize. But never had to. Which is I'm thankful I didn't have to, but I would have if it had continued, or if I had continued to have those intrusive thoughts. But yeah, just going through all that, I realized how traumatic verbal abuse really was. Because a lot of the trauma was from the divorce, but a lot of it was from this abuse.


    [0:25:10] Brianne Davis: I think, 100%. It's those invisible cuts, those invisible emotional cuts. I always think those are the hardest ones to, like you said, rip out the roof. Like, if someone hits you, you see the bruise, but if someone verbally abuses you, you can't see it. You can't say, See right here? When he said this, it made this mark on my soul or my face. You know what I mean?


    [0:25:33] Alexandra: Well, yeah, and I know this is going to sound crazy, sorry, I don't like that word, but kind of natty.


    [0:25:39] Brianne Davis: She's natty. I don't mind the word crazy people at all.


    [0:25:43] Alexandra: I've had people, I've used it before in reference to myself, and they got offended. So I don't want to offend anybody.


    [0:25:49] Brianne Davis: We offend people here all the time, and it's okay. We're all in this together.


    [0:25:54] Alexandra: Okay, good. But at the end of the relationship, I had wished that he had hit me, because then I'd have a bruise to show the evidence why I had to leave so fast from my marriage. And even during the marriage, there were moments where I was like, I wish you would just hit me. Because then I could be like, here's the bruise. Now you can see. You would for sure be like, oh, good. I'm glad you left. But verbal abuse, some people, they have a different, I guess, level of tolerance of it, too. Some people would be like, oh, he called you bitch. Like, that's not a big deal, whatever. Deal with it. Where other people would be like, that's horrible. Whereas physical abuse is very like, I think cut and dry people are like, no, leave. Which is that's why I say it's crazy. Like, I wish she had hit me, but at least then I'd have something to show.


    [0:26:39] Alexandra: Everything else shows invisible.


    [0:26:41] Brianne Davis: I've actually said that too. I've said that even with friendships. Because let's talk about friendships for a minute, which we never thought we were going to discuss. But even friendships, sometimes people abuse you or are a passive aggressive, like you said, and at moments, even with friendships. And I was like, I wish they just do something physical so I could get enough to work up the courage to leave. No, you should leave anyway. They're horrible up people. Like, they're abusive, but it's hard.


    [0:27:12] Alexandra: And friendships can sometimes be the hardest thing to break away from.


    [0:27:15] Brianne Davis: Oh, those are the worst, right? Friendship breakups are horrible. They are the worst pain I've ever been in.


    [0:27:25] Alexandra: And you will never be friends again. Like, even with a divorce or a breakup. Like, maybe one day you'll get back together, but likely not. But with a friendship, if you break up a friendship, you're probably done, because it's pretty extreme because people don't break up, they just sort of save each other out. Or there's a friendship break up. I was just talking about the other day about someone who has a friend that is arguably not treating them right, like being very passive aggressive and just saying weird things. And I said, you wouldn't tolerate it from your family, you wouldn't tolerate from your boyfriend, so why are you tolerating it from your friend? I think you need to establish a boundary with your friend and talk to this person, and hopefully they'll respond and realize, oh, my God, I'm being awful. And if they don't, then that's your evidence that you shouldn't be friends.


    [0:28:12] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I 100% agree. And that's what I think doing all this work for me is. It's like every relationship, it's just not about sex and love. It's literally every relationship.


    [0:28:23] Alexandra: Oh, for sure. Because a friendship can really if they're not treating you, that can just be awful.


    [0:28:30] Brianne Davis: It's just as bad. I believe it's just as bad. Now, you said you are now with someone, right? How is that? Obviously you've done the work, so that's the first thing you got to do the work afterwards because you'll take it into the next relationship, you'll bring that baggage. Correct?


    [0:28:47] Alexandra: Yes. And arguably before that, I should have done a bit more work. Like, I had done a lot of work, and I thought I was totally healed. And then when we had these consultants, I realized, well, maybe. There's a little bit more work to do.


    [0:29:00] Brianne Davis: Oh my God, that's so funny. I've literally done twelve years of intense work and I still get triggered by my husband. I'm like, there's another layer that I have to work on.


    [0:29:15] Alexandra: But it's been good. He's a deharta himself, so he understands that experience. And it's kind of funny. I'm kind of happy I ended up with someone who also went through that because we can kind of understand if stuff comes up, we can talk about it. And neither one of us is going to be like, oh, you're not over it. No, it's just this really crazy thing, extreme thing happened in both of our past, so we can kind of understand that. So he's super understanding. And sometimes if I do have a trigger and I overreact, I'll talk to him after it's done and the next day, I'm really sorry. And he was like, no, I understand. It's okay. And so he's so understanding and so he's kind of yeah, he's a great guy to be with, for me, for sure.


    [0:29:58] Brianne Davis: Yeah. But he doesn't fix it. That's the thing. You have to do it. You can't get into a good relationship because you won't know how to handle it because that trauma comes up. And one of the things we say is we tell each other like, okay, I'm getting really triggered. I don't know why right now. So I'm going to walk away and let's just put this on the table. Like that's what we said. We're like, time out. Something that's out. Or we use that word mistletoe, like mistletoe no more.


    [0:30:29] Alexandra: I love that.


    [0:30:32] Brianne Davis: It really does. Because there's something about you're going to get triggered. You're going to get triggered with your partner about family stuff, about things you haven't dealt with, your family, your friends, past relationships. And it's like you have to have that pause.


    [0:30:48] Alexandra: Yeah. And he's so good too. I didn't have, I guess, many serious relationships after my marriage. He was probably the most serious, but I had like, little things going on, relationships with people, and one of them, this guy would say if anything ever came up, and not even that much, but anything, he would refer to my ex husband as like a scumbag. That also was not a healthy response and it didn't help. It definitely didn't help because I was the one that married a scumbag. But then you feel bad, you're like, Well, I loved him. At some point he's like, that's not. And so with my now partner, he definitely even if I'm talking about these things that happen, he'll never take aim at him, which I appreciate it's more. Just like the things that happen and how I'm feeling and how I'm healing and stuff. Not nothing about him really calling him names, because that's just a sabbath, I think.


    [0:31:40] Brianne Davis: Oh, I love that because part of me wanted to call him a scumbag a couple of times and put an asshole like you know what I mean?


    [0:31:47] Alexandra: Like I wanted to say you can actually, I think I heard about that too. In my book, I say I'm a last call in the stomach and anybody that I give that privilege to can, but not some kind of dating doesn't have the right to say that.


    [0:32:01] Brianne Davis: Well, I know you have the blog with where's the blog so people can, if they want to reach out to you, if they're going through a similar thing, where can they reach you?


    [0:32:10] Alexandra: Yeah. So you can find me at the splendid Path. So www dot the splendidpath.com. And then I'm also pretty present on instagram at the alexandra. eva mae yay.


    [0:32:25] Brianne Davis: And one last question I have. If anybody out there is listening and they are in this type of relationship or feel like they are, they're not sure what would be your advice for them, like recognizing it, what would you wish you would have done?


    [0:32:39] Alexandra: So I think if you feel like you're in that type of relationship, you might be keeping it all to yourself, which does a lot of people do. I think the first step is to book therapy with a professional. You can do that now with the pandemic. There's so many people online. You can do it online, you can do it through an app even, or in person. I think some people are doing that. But focus therapy appointment to try to work through it with the professional. So that would be number one. And then number two, I think, realize that their behavior is not about you. It is about them. It is about how they handle whatever they're handling. It is completely about them. And what they're saying is not true. It's not true. It's a way to kind of take you down to make you feel as bad as they're probably feeling.


    [0:33:26] Alexandra: It's a way to like, erode your self confidence and it's not true. And you don't deserve that. And it would be better and healthier to be alone than to stay in this relationship or even seek out another one. It's healthier just to be alone and to be abused than to be with anybody. So if you're scared of being alone, like, it's tough. It can be tough to be alone. But it's so much better. And I was so much happier even when I was going through a grief, and I was like, I was so much happier because I was away from trauma.


    [0:34:00] Brianne Davis: Yeah, well, and I also just had this thought, even writing it down, like, you know, you have a communication with something and it just doesn't feel right in your stomach and you're like, oh, that hurt. Or I felt something writing it down, say I felt this way when he said this, or she said this. And it's like when you start writing it down, it's almost making it like so you can look back and go, oh, then this happened. Then he called me a bitch and then he was saying how ugly my dress is and no one would love me. I don't know, I'm just calling, but there's something about writing it down.


    [0:34:36] Alexandra: Oh, for sure. I think that no, that's actually what I did. That's a good point. I need like a list.


    [0:34:41] Brianne Davis: Look at me, I'm like I'll proud of myself, people, you can't see me, but I just smiled.


    [0:34:47] Alexandra: I need like a list.


    [0:34:49] Brianne Davis: Great.


    [0:34:49] Alexandra: I need a list because I was trying to make heads and tales of it and so I need a whole list and not actually after we split up because I was thinking of going back, which I made this list and it was like crazy long. Why would I go back to this? And so maybe yeah, you're right. Writing it down, making a list, and you can actually have a full scope of like, all that's happened.


    [0:35:10] Brianne Davis: Yeah. And write a list right after it happens. Like, yeah, this just happened because there's something about we can our minds can twist and manipulate ourselves and when it's written down, you can't twist that because it's written down that it happened. Do you know what I mean?


    [0:35:25] Alexandra: Yeah, exactly. I agree.


    [0:35:28] Brianne Davis: So glad you reached out to me. I'm so glad we talked about this. Honestly, I think people need to discuss this more because I think people use verbal abuse all the time and it's an epidemic and it's not okay anymore. So thank you so much for reaching out to me. Honestly, I'm so grateful.


    [0:35:44] Alexandra: Thank you so much for having me. This is so fantastic. And yeah, like you said, I agree, it's an epidemic and it starts with a young girl, a girls and teenage relationship. So it should be talked about more.


    [0:35:57] Brianne Davis: Well, thank you. And if you want to be on the show, please email me secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time, thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate, share air or send me a note at SecretLifepodcast.com. And if you like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.



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    36m | Feb 27, 2023
  • Max: Growing Up, I Was Ashamed About My Autism

    Max's Journey to Success: A Neurodivergent Story of Overcoming Challenges and Finding Belonging -- Max shares his unique journey of overcoming autism and his path to success. He talks about the tools he used to thrive in life, from the Listening Program app to extra-curricular activities. His vulnerable story is full of insight and inspiration, teaching listeners the power of determination and resilience. Max also reflects on his childhood and the experiences that shaped him. Hear his stories and learn from his advice in the Secret Life podcast.

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    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

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    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

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    About our guest, MAX KORTEN - Max, a former research and assessment coordinator at Lincoln University, is an assessment specialist at Strayer University. He hopes that his TEDx talk will inspire positive change within others.

    Ted Talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/max_korten_living_beyond_your_invisible_letter

    https://advancedbrain.com/

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJi3xu5OOMM&t=6s

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    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

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    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

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    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)


    Transcript


    [0:00:00] Max: I did not like having autism. And I think in a way, I was almost trying to, like I was trying to, like, push myself out of autism.


    [0:00:15] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine.

    Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, a four-time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave are those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really? The what, when, where and why of it all.


    [0:01:14] Brianne Davis: My guest is Max. Now, Max, I have a question for you. What is your secret?


    [0:01:27] Max: When I was growing up, until I left for college, I was extremely abashed for having autism.


    [0:01:37] Brianne Davis: So you carried around for the longest time that you had autism and you didn't share it with anybody?


    [0:01:43] Max: Well, I was diagnosed when I was 18 months old, and this was in 1995 when autism was fairly new. But my family knew that I had autism. Some kids knew that I was a little off, but they didn't know the term right, because I definitely did stick out what's that phrase? You stick out with a four thumb.


    [0:02:12] Brianne Davis: Yeah. But I do want to ask, how did your parents know at 18 months? That's so young. So what were the signs? Because I know nothing about autism. I'm so glad you reached out. I'm so glad you're coming on, because I really want to be educated and my listeners to be educated. So please, any information.


    [0:02:33] Max: So I'm not 100% sure, but from what I vaguely remember, from what they've told me, I was not talking. I actually didn't learn how to speak until I was four. I was having sensory issues. And I also think that I'm not 100% certain that I wasn't really playing with other kids. Yeah, other kids around my age. So I think those were the things that I'm not 100% certain.


    [0:03:11] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Because I have adhd and my mom knew from a very young age as well. I talk about it. I could not learn the alphabet, like, to save my life. And she was so frustrated. So I always felt other than right on the outside. Did you feel that way growing up?


    [0:03:29] Max: Yeah, very much so. I did not really understand growing up. I didn't understand how kids communicated or I didn't really get the social and teenage jargon of how kids communicated. And because of that, I did have some brains, but I definitely felt like a bit socially isolated for my peers. This happened more so when I was like, in 3rd, fourth and fifth grade when anything horribly happened and it kind of came out of the blue, or if it was off routine of my schedule, I would just have a tetra tantrum.


    [0:04:25] Brianne Davis: Because you felt out of control or like, things were out of the norm for you?


    [0:04:29] Max: Out of the norm, yeah. But I really like having, like, a very stringent and stoic schedule. And any time that went off of track, then it just messed with my psyche.


    [0:04:51] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Do you think it was like because I love structure. Like, there's something about structure. When you have structure and what through your day and it's planned, that there's a sense of calmness and that you know what's next. So if anything deviated from that, it was, like, anxiety driven.


    [0:05:11] Max: Yeah. So individuals who have autism and some others who have adhd like yourself, or even Add, like structure, and when structure is, you know, off balance or gets thrown out the window, there are diverse individuals like myself tend to really just can't handle it. As I've gotten older, I've gotten much more used to it. I've gotten a lot of behavioral therapies that have really through, like, ot, occupational therapy, speech therapy, cbt, and just joining activities that have helped my brain and my autism to get structured to everyday life. But when I was very little, like eight through twelve, it was really difficult for me.


    [0:06:12] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Can you take us back to that difficulty? And I also wanted to ask, did your parents have difficulty as well? Like I said, my mom it was very hard for my mom, god bless her, I love her, but they don't teach parents how. There's no manual to how to help your child when they're struggling. So how did your parents handle it?


    [0:06:36] Max: So actually, it's weird. I've never really asked my parents how they handled it.


    [0:06:41] Brianne Davis: Really?


    [0:06:43] Max: No.


    [0:06:44] Brianne Davis: Oh, my God. Let's get them on.


    [0:06:49] Max: Just some backtrack. My parents are actually divorced. They divorced when I was like, eight or nine. But even though they divorced and I think they did a fairly good job with trying to structure things and trying to keep me occupied. And both of my parents remarried, and my stepparents my step dad and step mom are really helpful and are still really helpful with me and getting acclimated to my autism. If I were to guess, I'm sure it was pretty stressful for them, especially when I was in elementary school, because they were trying to help me. And I have a younger sister who is 20 months younger than me, like two babies.


    [0:07:42] Brianne Davis: They had two babies at the same time. Oh, my God. God bless your parents. That's a lot of just one baby is hard enough. When people have, like, two indictments at the same time, it's like, oh, my God, god bless you.


    [0:07:55] Max: But yeah, I actually didn't understand the concept of divorce when I was nine. I just thought they were kind of doing what I considered in child's terms, like a rum springer.


    [0:08:09] Brianne Davis: I don't know.


    [0:08:09] Max: I just thought it was like a rum spring in my mind. I thought they were just taking a break. And it was when I was, like, ten years that I was like, that I learned the concept of divorce and whatnot. I just didn't get it. My dad moved out. Well, it helped him move things to his apartment. And I don't know, it just didn't really affect me. I don't know.


    [0:08:39] Brianne Davis: Interesting.


    [0:08:40] Max: I don't know why. Again, I think it was just this idea of a rum springer. Like, my dad was just taking a break and moving out the house. That was just, like, the first thing that came to mind for me. Like, at eight years old.


    [0:08:54] Brianne Davis: Nine years old, right. Okay. So there's your sister, and you and your parents are separated. And then how soon after did they get remarried?


    [0:09:05] Max: So my dad and my step mom got remarried when I was going into 7th grade.


    [0:09:14] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:09:16] Max: My mom and stepdad met when I was in fifth grade, and they were cohabitated for a while, and they just actually got married five years ago.


    [0:09:29] Brianne Davis: They waited they waited longer.


    [0:09:33] Max: Yeah. My stepdad has been presently in my life since I was probably eleven.


    [0:09:39] Brianne Davis: Can you tell me some of the things that you had to do differently from other kids? Just so I can, because I had to do flashcards. I had to go to tutors. It was really hard for me. I was so embarrassed on a daily basis at school. Like, I couldn't read in classes. If the teacher asked me, I'd be like, no, thank you.


    [0:10:02] Max: So I had an eight until I was in 7th grade, I think. I think it was 7th. And I also had, like, academic enrichment. So that was a combination of that that just helped me with study skills and managing my homework. And I have something called executive processing. So executive processing means that when someone says something or when someone is talking, you might not be able to code all the information at a faster pace as a neuro typical person does.


    [0:10:45] Brianne Davis: Right.


    [0:10:46] Max: So executive processing was an issue. I would say those were, like, the big three, like, organization, executive processing, and definitely, like, managing, like, my mood from, you know, like, if anything was, like, off balance, just, like, trying to manage my mood.


    [0:11:08] Brianne Davis: So what are some of those tools that you learned? Can you remember?


    [0:11:15] Max: One of the things for executive processing that I guess I could say as a life saver was when I was 16. So my sophomore year, my mom is really my speech therapist had found that there was this thing that came out, and it's called the listening program. And it was like this brand new how do I say it's? This brand new technological system that helps integrate the two parts of your brain to communicate with each other.


    [0:11:50] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:11:50] Max: So what was happening was before I was 16, the left and right side of my brain were not communicating with each other. And that's why I was struggling with reading. I wasn't really struggling, but it was taking me longer to understand reading passages or trying to organize my essays or even just and it also goes back to communicating with my peers. Like this listening program, I've been doing it for twelve years. It helps me communicate with my peers because there's different levels in the listening program, and it involves executive functioning, processing, and communication. And also I think there's like a part where it involves motor skills. So like motor ability. So not falling down. Yeah, and I started doing it when I was 16. Essentially what you do is that you listen to these headphones. When I got them, it was through an ipod, because this was back in 2010, and it was the structured headphones with the ipod. And you essentially listen to orchestra music. Oh yeah, you listen to orchestra music and you're listening to different instruments, but basically you're listening to different instruments at the same time.


    [0:13:30] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:13:30] Max: And what it does is that it helps the two parts of your brain, your left and right brain, to communicate with one another. There's actually an app for it. So I just have the app on my phone and I listen to it through these Sony headphones that I have here.


    [0:13:48] Brianne Davis: Can you share the app in case anyone yeah, if anything's resonating, let's share the app to help. What is it called?


    [0:13:56] Max: It's called abt listening program. Yeah, it's an app. I'm just looking at it now. It's called the listening program. By advanced brain technologies, I believe. And I'm not 100% sure. I think it's when you start it's $35 a month.


    [0:14:19] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:14:20] Max: That's what I currently pay. I think when it first came out, it was a lot more expensive because you had to get the actual kit and the ipod. I don't know if they have that anymore because technology has evolved last twelve years, but there's like an actual website for it and their headquarters are in Utah. I would 100% recommend it. I guess you could say it was a lifesaver because I've been using it for the last almost 13 years.


    [0:14:53] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I would say it's an effective tool if you've been using it for 13 years. But when you just said reading comprehension, all of that literally my entire body was like, I know how that feels. So would you be in class in school? Did other kids know you are autistic? Or did they just think you had a learning disability? How did you handle that stress? Because I didn't handle it well. I really like, shut down as a human. I let my learning disability kind of run my life. But it sounds like you had such great support. So how was that for you?


    [0:15:30] Max: I think in middle school and early high school, it was very difficult because I really wanted to have friends and a cohort of friends, but I didn't have that. And the other thing was, when I was in 7th grade, I moved I moved to a new town. So moving in middle school middle school is awkward in general, but moving middle school is torture.


    [0:15:58] Brianne Davis: Torture.


    [0:16:00] Max: It's awkwardness on top of awkwardness. So I moved at a very, I guess you could say a very bizarre time in my life. 7th, 8th and 9th grade were pretty awkward. I think the main things that really helped me were when I started running in 7th grade. And that really helped because when I was doing an extracurricular activity, I had done swimming before, but this really helped my social emotional behavior because I was doing a team sport. So I did cross country track, and I did that competitively for ten years. I did it for 7th grade until my senior year of college. So that helped me be part of.


    [0:16:59] Brianne Davis: A team, be part of something other than yourself. So that would be like, if you have a child, maybe getting them into a sport that they enjoy, obviously not pushing it on them, they have to enjoy it. But that might be something, because I didn't do that. I didn't join any sports or anything.


    [0:17:15] Max: Yeah, okay, so I joined a sport. I don't know how your high school was, but my high school was very competitive, and when I got to high school, I don't know, I kind of just hit the ground running. I really wanted to do well in high school for myself, so I pushed myself, probably pushed myself a little bit too hard at times. So I did track and cross country.


    [0:17:47] Brianne Davis: You were overachiever.


    [0:17:48] Max: Yeah, I was an overachiever.


    [0:17:51] Brianne Davis: I was not. I didn't want to go to college. I didn't want to do any of that. I was, like, not interested.


    [0:17:58] Max: I was hardcore over achiever. I just choir. I was in the National Honor Society. I did a couple you thrived.


    [0:18:08] Brianne Davis: Maybe you should be doing this and I should be coming on, talking about the secret of my learning disability and being bullied. You thrived like, you really did.


    [0:18:18] Max: Yeah, I took five AP classes. I was in the National Honor Society, people. So, yeah, to say, like, I was an overachiever was an understatement. But again, I went to a very competitive high school. Like, people in my high school went to ivy League schools in, like, Stanford and georgetown and emery, so, like, those very top niche schools, and I wanted to fit in with my peers.


    [0:18:53] Brianne Davis: Well, here's the thing. It's like when you're saying that right now, it's really beautiful because you took something that made you different and you got the tools, and it sounds like your parents really supported you and got you what you needed to keep succeeding in our society is whatever you want to call it, but you really just thrived. And it almost gave you this upper hand of your unique in a beautiful way. Because I believe people with autism are learning disabilities. Our brains work differently, and there is a very beautiful thing I see now, but I still have residue of being bullied. Did you ever get bullied or no?


    [0:19:34] Max: A little bit in 8th grade.


    [0:19:36] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:19:38] Max: But I actually went to the guidance counselor because I was getting bullied because I was not happy. But the thing is, Brian, I did not like having autism. And I think, in a way, I was almost trying to make myself try to be neurotypical. So while I was really thriving and pushing myself, I was almost, like, trying to I was trying to push myself.


    [0:20:09] Brianne Davis: Out of autism and run from it. Like, keep it a lie almost to yourself a secret almost to yourself. It's not there. It's not there. It's not there.


    [0:20:19] Max: I basically was telling myself, by the time I graduated from high school, I have to be cured or get all my support out. I think it was something along the lines of, like, I can't have any more support after I graduate. These are the four years that I have to crunch down and grind and make sure that I can be independent and self sufficient by 18. But I think I took that almost a little bit too personally and literally because everyone had support services beyond high school. And, like, I wish I had known that because I don't think I would have stressed myself out or would have stretched myself in all the time, because I think I pushed myself. I'm glad that I pushed myself, but I was almost pushing myself in a way to survive.


    [0:21:23] Brianne Davis: Yeah, it is, like, superhuman effort. It's like this superhuman effort. And then you get to what, graduating high school and then did you just give up all your support system? What happened?


    [0:21:36] Max: When I graduated high school, I was actually kind of burnt out, to be honest.


    [0:21:42] Brianne Davis: You think, jeez, I'm burnt out. While you're telling me everything you were doing. I'm like, can I take a nap? Like, I'm tired.


    [0:21:50] Max: Yeah, I was definitely burnt out a little bit. But back in 2012, the expectation was to go to college.


    [0:22:00] Brianne Davis: Yes, but now they say you shouldn't go to college. Just so you know, like, new studies are saying you can actually do better without college.


    [0:22:08] Max: Yeah. So I wish I had taken, like, maybe a break or maybe taking a semester off just to chill out a little bit. But I was still in that go go attitude and, like, wanting to thrive. And when I got to college, even though I could utilize my support systems, I could get extra time on test, and I could take a test in a quiet room. I wasn't using that at first. And looking back on that, I kind of think I'm the biggest idiot because I was shooting myself on the phone.


    [0:22:47] Brianne Davis: Yeah. No, I did too. Like, taking the sats and tests. I didn't use those extra tools I could have because I didn't want to feel different from anybody else.


    [0:22:57] Max: Yeah. So when I got to college, I was trying to essentially trying to be like the typical college student that you see in TV and media, and I was shooting myself in the foot, and I'm like, I can't do this. My parents are paying a lot of money for me to go here, and I want to do well. And what made me feel more comfortable about myself when I got to college is unlike high school or even like the K through twelve system, I think how people in college tend to be a little bit more open about their vulnerabilities. So that's what I talked about in my Ted Talk was that people had these invisible letters. So for me, my invisible letter was A for autism. But I had met people, whether it was like, my track team and I was also in Greek Life or through other organizations who are going through these insecurities, and you would have never known it. So it made me feel like, less alone. And that's when I realized I had to be more authentic to myself.


    [0:24:16] Brianne Davis: So what do you remember, like, the first step doing it, doing the Ted Talk? Was that like, the moment you felt a freedom from that bondage of self, or was there a moment you can remember that you're like, aha, that was like, the thing that something switched.


    [0:24:34] Max: So I guess you could say, like, I started to reveal that I was autistic in little baby steps. So I reveal to my classmates I had autism in my senior year because I shared my college speech in a class. And I remember that was like, the first time that I had done that. And then I think it was around like, my sophomore year of college, that's when I started to, like, meet people. It wasn't really a specific person. It was just like different friends or acquaintances who are kind of just going through different vulnerabilities that you would have.


    [0:25:16] Brianne Davis: Never life struggles, things.


    [0:25:18] Max: Yeah, and that's what made me reveal my own insecurities and what I had gone through.


    [0:25:27] Brianne Davis: Here's my question, though. Did you have any backlash? Did anybody ever make you feel bad? Or was it just this warm, like, we accept you for who you are?


    [0:25:41] Max: Everyone was accepting. I had one teammates, and I'm not going to go into a lot of detail about this. He just did not like me for personal reasons and essentially was trying to bully me. But that's just like another therapy session, you know?


    [0:26:02] Brianne Davis: I love a good therapy session. Come on. No, but that's what I'm trying to teach my son what you just said. I said not everybody's going to like you and you're never going to understand why some people are just not going to like you.


    [0:26:14] Max: Yeah, at that point, I just didn't care and I didn't need permission for him to like me. But, yeah, I felt very welcome and it helped me succeed in college and I eventually did very well. I got this very prestigious award my senior year that was only given to, like, I think, 20 students. I went to graduate school and got a master's in higher ed, and currently my background is in research and evaluation. That's what I do for my current career.


    [0:26:55] Brianne Davis: Wow. You're still an overachiever, but that's a beautiful thing. It's like your autism didn't slow you down. It probably even made you even have more life experiences and learn more things in a different way. And you're actually making me proud that I have, like, a learning disability because for so long I kept it such a secret and I was in so much shame for sure.


    [0:27:20] Max: No neuro diverse people. They are like their own little what's the word? Their own little creature happened. You're an actor and you're starting this podcast. You have so much to be grateful for.


    [0:27:36] Brianne Davis: I know when I wrote a book and it was best seller and I was like, oh, my God, I did that. I built to this day, and I did that. What? Do you ever have those moments where you're like, I did that, like your Ted Talk where you're like, I did that. Well, thank you so much for coming on, but I do have a couple more questions before if there's any parents out there or anybody that's like, oh, my God, this is hitting a core of something going on with my child or even with myself. What would be your first advice for them?


    [0:28:09] Max: Don't freak out.


    [0:28:12] Brianne Davis: Don't go into panic.


    [0:28:14] Max: Don't freak out. I think my best well, the one thing I would recommend is looking into the listening program. I mean, like, to say that was a lifesavers and understatement. Okay. Get your child involved in extracurricular activities. Obviously, they have to enjoy it. If they're not enjoying it, then you don't want to push them too hard because then they're going to get acclimated, like you said, into doing something outside of themselves internally.


    [0:28:51] Brianne Davis: Well, thank you. And we will link that learning app and learning program below so people can go to it and see what it is and all that. Is there anything else you want the listeners to know about your journey, about releasing yourself of the secret and baby steps throughout the years? Is there any closing words you want to say?


    [0:29:12] Max: I just want to say thank you to my family and friends who believed in me when there were times I didn't believe in myself.


    [0:29:21] Brianne Davis: That makes me want to cry. Where can people find you if they have any questions or anything.


    [0:29:27] Max: Yeah, so they can email me. My email is Maxorden korten, 26, at@gmail.com. I would also say for people, because there's also been a growing trend of adults being diagnosed with autism. There's a LinkedIn group that I follow. It's called Non neurodivergent. I think that's the name of it.


    [0:29:55] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:29:55] Max: But it's for professionals who are neuro divergent, and just trying to navigate the workforce really helps me because when I started working, I really didn't know any other nerdive, urgent individuals in the workforce.


    [0:30:14] Brianne Davis: Thank you so much for sharing that and thank you for coming on.


    [0:30:19] Max: Thank you, Brian.


    [0:30:20] Brianne Davis: If you want to be on the show, please email me at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time, thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com. And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.



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    33m | Feb 20, 2023
  • Billy: I’m Addicted to Gambling

    Billy shares his journey as he gambled his way to six figures in four years of college. Hear his stories of risky escapades at Mohegan Sun Casino and underground poker clubs, and learn how he hustled his way to success. Listen in on his thoughtful advice on managing gambling habits, and be inspired by his positive attitude despite his losses. It's a unique view of gambling, honesty and willingness to change.

    Compulsive gambling, also called gambling disorder, is the uncontrollable urge to keep gambling despite the toll it takes on your life. Gambling means that you're willing to risk something you value in the hope of getting something of even greater value.

    NATIONAL PROBLEM GAMBLING HELPLINE - 1-800-522-4700

    The National Council on Problem Gambling operates the National Problem Gambling Helpline Network. The network is a single national access point to local resources for those seeking help for a gambling problem. The network consists of 28 contact centers that provide resources and referrals for all 50 states, Canada, and the US Virgin Islands. Help is available 24/7 and is 100% confidential.

    The National Problem Gambling Helpline Network also includes text and chat services. These features enable those who are gambling online or on their mobile phone to access help the same way they play. One call, text, or chat will get you to problem gambling help anywhere in the U.S. 24/7/365.

    Help is also available via an online peer support forum at www.gamtalk.org.

    _____

    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    ____

    Guest Billy Procida is a nonmonogamous sex-positive comedian in New York City and host of The Manwhore Podcast. His show is consistently listed as a Top Sex & Dating Podcast by Esquire, Uproxx, and Men's Health. Billy's writing has also been featured in the New York Time's Magazine, Marie Claire, and Mashable. He also runs a monthly Naked Comedy Show in Bushwick. Yes, actually.

    Twitter: @TheBillyProcida

    Instagram: @billyisprocida

    OnlyFans: @callmebilly

    The Manwhore Podcast - apple or spotify

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

    _____

    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

    _____

    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)


    Transcript


    [0:00:00] Billy: I've been the Gamblers Anonymous a few times. I think like three times I've been the Gamblers Anonymous. I don't really like it because they say that to be a member, the first thing you have to do is have a desire to quit gambling. And I don't want to quit gambling. I just want to stop losing.


    [0:00:20] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, a four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Live Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really?


    [0:01:18] Brianne Davis: The how, what, when, why, or why it all today. My guess is Billy. Now, Billy, I have a question for you. Don, what is your secret?


    [0:01:30] Billy: I have a gambling problem.


    [0:01:35] Brianne Davis: Okay, tell me about it.


    [0:01:38] Billy: Yeah. What was interesting when we were talking about doing this, it's like, well, what secrets do I have? Because I'm also a podcaster. I do a show called The Man Who Are Podcast. So it's like, I live my life very publicly on the Internet, especially like, my sex and dating life. So it's all out there. And I was like, what don't I really talk about? And when you ask people to support your artistic career with things like patreon and other ventures, you feel self conscious about being like, I'm going to try really hard not to gamble with this money, but I also might and I'm so sorry.


    [0:02:14] Brianne Davis: Oh my God. I never thought about it in that element. Wow. So first let's talk. When did you become a gambling addict? When did you start gambling? Was it really young?


    [0:02:24] Billy: Yeah, I think my introduction was probably somewhere around like, let's just say 1011, maybe like eleven with scratch off tickets. I used to go down the street to the pizza shop, like a half mile from my house after school every day. But I have a sports practice. I would go down there, have a few slices, read the paper like an old man, total old man, talk to the adults. Which now, by the way, when I go there, I'm seeing the adults would have talked to at 1120 years. I'm like, oh my God, you were like in your 20s or thirty s and I thought you were so old. But I would go down there and chat because I didn't have a lot of friends. I got bullied a lot. So this pizza shop was like, a refuge for me, and the dudes behind the counter would play scratch offs, and the only time I got to play scratch off is, like, christmas, when, like, everyone gets one in the stocking. But it was great. When you won, you lost, and if you win, you can just trade it in for more tickets to then eventually lose. Because a gambler doesn't want to win. A gambler just wants to gamble, and eventually we lose. That's when we notice stop gambling. That were like, when the place is closing down, I would give my money to, like, there was a quick stop thing next to the pizza shop.


    [0:03:40] Billy: I would give the pizza, the guy, my little list, and my little $10 allowance money because they also played a scratch off. Everyone's a junkie, so they go next door for me, and they get my tickets, and then I would caress them and hound them to go next door. I wasn't very cognizant of context of things, so it's in a rush, and I'm bugging them. I wasn't really manipulating it's like, hey, Robbie, you go next door to get tickets. Can you get me my tickets, or can you cash in my tickets? So that's where it started. And then, like, middle school age online poker, like, underground online poker was starting to happen, and there was this weird gimmick where somebody's parent would, let's say, let them put $200 in their all Star poker's account. I even remember what the site was at the time. And then they would just barter and trade the credit because you could transfer credits to accounts. So someone's like, oh, can I give you $20 to transfer me, like, ten into my account? Because my parents won't let me gamble with their money. And so there was that whole racket going on. And so then I was starting to play some online poker, and then it would progress until I got to boarding school, and they're like, you weren't allowed to gamble. So I was like, yeah, I was a rule follower told square. So I was like, Why?


    [0:04:57] Billy: I don't break the rules because I don't want to get into trouble. Because at my school, if you got in trouble, you had to do, like, a 05:30 a.m. Workout. And I hate waking up early. I don't mind the workout. The workout was, like, a 630 p. M. Workout.


    [0:05:09] Brianne Davis: You're all for the dice.


    [0:05:11] Billy: Yeah, but I'm not waking up at 530 and going to the gym. No, thank you. But there was a loophole. The loophole was you could gamble for food, so, like, you could gamble pizza. Oh, yeah. And board of school pizza is currency.


    [0:05:23] Brianne Davis: It sounds like a prison.


    [0:05:29] Billy: I went to an alternative kid boarding school. I don't know if you heard the term trouble. Teen industry.


    [0:05:35] Brianne Davis: Yes.


    [0:05:36] Billy: So my school was on the very, very light end of that spectrum. So we sometimes get kids from these wild schools you hear stories about in the news. Like, if they behaved well enough, sometimes they get to come to our school. So it wasn't prison, but it was strict. You'd have, like, N 64 or PlayStation. So I would play, like, NFL Blitz or something where we play poker. But for pizzas. A lot of us were putting the pizzas on, like, mom or Dad's credit card. I don't know if I've ever said this. I ran up a bill on my mom's credit card at some place special, which was, like, the local pizza shop. And I would run up a bill because a kid took me for ten pizzas. And then my mom's like, why did I get charged for $130 from someplace special? It's like, because you know what? I really need to practice harder at this video game. I really need to, like I need to do the work if I'm going to gamble it.


    [0:06:29] Brianne Davis: Wow. What age was that?


    [0:06:32] Billy: That's all the high school.


    [0:06:33] Brianne Davis: Wow. So here's what I just want to stop and ask you what would happen if you're talking about it now, is anything happening in your body? Because there was a little jolt I felt from you telling the story about it.


    [0:06:46] Billy: Well, as I told you before we started, I live my life very publicly. I don't have a lot of secrets. I got a couple of secrets because I think it's healthy to have a few. It's like, I got to have a couple. I need something for my first book, right? There needs to be something that a headline will be like, billy Procedure admits to Blank in his first debut novel, which is on the bestseller list. No big deal. I got to save a couple of things for the first Man Whore book. But I was like, what? Do I not get to talk? I just don't get to talk about this? Everyone's interviewing me about, like, sex stuff, which is fine and great.


    [0:07:20] Brianne Davis: I get that's what I wanted to interview you about, because I am a sex and love addict. So I'm like, let's talk about the gambling.


    [0:07:29] Billy: I imagine I would come on and share that, except all my sex life is public. There's no secret there. But this is something, like, I don't even really think about. I haven't thought about Adam Mizrah beating me for ten pizzas and NFL bullets since I don't know when. Like, I haven't even thought about this. He would use Peyton Hillis as running back a lot. Literally, I haven't thought about that. Sophomore year, wow. I was on probably, like, Three East the wing I was on. Yeah. That's crazy. So I just haven't thought about this, and I don't get to talk about it very often.


    [0:08:00] Brianne Davis: Well, this is the perfect place. So then when was the next thing you gambled and it just amplified?


    [0:08:07] Billy: Also when I would go home on breaks, you could gamble. So I place them online poker, the scratch off racket. And then when I got to college, I remember sophomore year college, I went to like, my five year high school reunion. I went to some sort of I went back to my born school, and all the kids who went up, all the other alum, we were hanging out, we were drinking some beer. They can't give us whatever. And then someone's like, oh, let's go to Mohegan Sun. Now we're all underage. Yeah, like, I'm 19, by the way. I like gambling at the native American casinos more than, like, Atlantic City because, like, when I lose that Mohegan Sun, I feel like I'm doing good. There's some kids who know, like, calculus now because I paid for those books. So it's like, this is better your.


    [0:08:57] Brianne Davis: Due, good service, going to lose at the Mohegan Sun casino.


    [0:09:03] Billy: Yeah, community service. This is good karma. When I lose here, if I lose in Atlantic City, it's just going to somebody's bank account. So. Anyways, let's go to Mohegan Sun. I had a fake ID, but I never been to a casino because I was underage. And we got in. I didn't realize, at least in Connecticut, there's not like, someone at the door. Even in Jersey, I'm pretty sure there's not like someone at the door. I go in another state sometimes, though, you walk and right there, it's like, what's your ID? But here is more like you walk around and somebody might card you, and most likely you are going to get carded if you ask for drinks. So we just didn't ask for booze, no problem. And I got to go ahead and lose my $100 at blackjack. Like, fine, but then that let me know, oh, I can get into a casino underage. And so then I would start to go.


    [0:09:53] Billy: Now in college, I don't got a lot of money, so I'm like driving up 3 hours Mohegan Sun from New York to gamble with $100 to $200, which when you're back at blackjack does not last very long.


    [0:10:09] Brianne Davis: I thought you were like, maybe doing the nickel slots. I would take it to the nickel slot and it would take a long time.


    [0:10:15] Billy: No, the slots nonsense.


    [0:10:20] Brianne Davis: Like the old lady slot. That's what I would do.


    [0:10:23] Billy: The slots are for bachelorette parties and guys who don't know what they're doing. Okay, I'm taking this seriously. I would start going up there, and I'm going up a little bit. At that time, junior year, I discovered underground poker scene in New York City, right. And after a couple of times playing, I very quickly was introduced to dealing. My boss was named Scotty Cards because of course it was I didn't know his last name, scotty Cards. He was in my phone with Scotty Cards. So he introduced himself to people on the street. And so Scotty cards taught me how to deal. And he was like, do you think you could get other college kids to come play at our game. I was like, yeah. So I would get kids to come in. I got to learn how to deal, and I got to make money. When you're dealing, can't really lose. So I would start dealing, but then what happens happens is I take the money I make from dealing, and then I would play on other nights, I'd go up to the casino, and then I just lose there.


    [0:11:22] Billy: We just keep moving the money around. Yeah, but now I'm in the underground poker scene. I'm going to poker clubs around. It's like that movie Rounders. Like that. I'm running around the city playing with old men when I'm not dealing cards. And all this money is really just funneling back into the gambling. I started webcamming junior year college. I webcammed for a couple of years, did all right. I was, like, making $100 to $500 a week very casually, just sitting in there doing webcamming.


    [0:11:52] Brianne Davis: What do you mean?


    [0:11:53] Billy: You know what webcamming is?


    [0:11:55] Brianne Davis: I know, but I want you to answer.


    [0:11:57] Billy: Oh, webcamming people don't know. Or pretending they don't know is that yeah, I'd sit in a chat room and when dudes or dudes pretending to be women wanted to watch me take my clothes off or touch myself or do something kind of like one time a guy was just like, I just want you to sit around fart, pick your nose, be a gross dude. Which is weird because I know all the lyrics to Rent, and I'm like, I don't think I'm like the dude I am. Make money per minute, like $3 a minute talking to people, and if they want me to take my clothes off or jerk off, I could do that. Can I swear on this? I didn't.


    [0:12:37] Brianne Davis: Yes.


    [0:12:38] Billy: This show is okay. Awesome. Fuck. Now this is money that goes back into the gambling. I did a lot. I hustled hard in college. I estimate that I probably made about six figures in my four years in college. On the side, between the poker dealing and the webcamming, I did, like, textbook buybacks, and I also like, I fucking sold fake IDs. Which, by the way, I have the research statute of limitations this morning just to make sure I could talk about this comfortably on a recorded show. But I used to deal fake IDs all four years of college.


    [0:13:14] Brianne Davis: Yeah, so you would make them, or you found somebody to make them?


    [0:13:18] Billy: No, I knew a guy. I'm very North Jersey Italian like that. I don't do anything. I know a guy.


    [0:13:24] Brianne Davis: You know a guy who knows a guy, and then they help.


    [0:13:27] Billy: Yeah, well, like, I grew up on my dad operates on the guy's system. My dad's got a guy for everything. He's like, oh, Billy, you need new tires. Oh, you got to go use my tire guy. Gary, here's what you're going to do. You're going to go to hackensack. You're going to go to corner second and south fourth. You're going to go to Gary's Used Tire Shop and Grill. Okay? Naturally, of course, because that's where the guy is going to operate something sketchy. Weird business. What time we fucking. We're going to the jets game. When I was a kid, and we stopped at this shut down gas station, and there's legit a white van in there. And in the back of the white van, there's a bunch of knock off, like jets and Giants.


    [0:14:09] Billy: Merch my dad makes very good money. My dad's one of those top percent people. He's fine, but I think he grew up a bit on the poorer side, so I think that's still in him. So he's like, oh, I know I could take you to Sport Authority and buy you a proper jets hoodie.


    [0:14:27] Brianne Davis: But he wants a discount. He wants it under, like in the dirty cellar basement.


    [0:14:35] Billy: Makes him feel like a kid again. He's like, oh, no, we're going to do this. No, I've been doing this for decades. We go to the gas station to the guy in the van. So I had a guy who made IDs. And at first it was like, oh, can I get mine? Great. But then what would happen is like, oh, some of my friends wanted one. So I was like, hey, I got a few friends who need okay, cool. And they say, hey, if you could get this many people, I'll give you this discount on them. I'm like, can? Okay. So I was like, okay, let me get him five at a time. I get to keep the difference. That's fun.


    [0:15:05] Billy: And then I kept coming back to him. So he's like, look, I'll give you this deal so you can make more money if you want, if you want to keep bringing me big orders. So then I start bringing in bigger orders, like ten at a time, 15 at a time. And over the years, he would upgrade his equipment. So it started with these horrendously, bad New York fake IDs. I feel almost guilty selling them New York fake IDs. But by the time I graduated, he'd upgrade to California and Texas, which at the time was like, crumb. That was like the Rolls Royce of a fake ID was like the California fake. So we could charge more. But then he was giving me these stupid low rates. So he would charge me like $40 per ID. When if you went directly to him, he charged you over $100. So he charged me like, $40. I would charge like 200 or $160.


    [0:15:55] Brianne Davis: You're making good money.


    [0:16:00] Billy: That was my biggest money maker, was the brokering fake IDs. And I would tell friends, I would be like, hey, get me ten friends. I'll give you yours free. So now they're bringing me a cluster, and I'm getting all this on the top. By senior year, what was happening was kids would go home, they'd use a fake ID. Their friends from the other schools, wherever they lived would be like, oh, yours is great. And they put me in touch. So then by senior year, I'm mailing like, ten to 20 IDs at a time to the University of Oregon or like, I don't know, something Texas. I'm mailing shit across.


    [0:16:33] Brianne Davis: Very illegal entrepreneurial. I'm kind of proud of you in a very disturbing way. I don't know why. I'm like, Good for you. Good money making scheme. Maybe that's the addict in me. I'm like, yeah, that's a good tactic.


    [0:16:48] Billy: Yeah. I was always a hustler. Even if I did textbook buybacks during final season, I was fucking carrying around in a big suitcase, going door to door at every door, and I'm knocking on every door saying, I want to buy your textbooks. I liked making money. I liked being good at that. But it always really to feed gambling. The gambling book would be titled something like How I Made Six Figures in College and How I Lost It all. Because when I graduated, I didn't, like, have this money. Like, it just it was at a variety of poker clubs and casinos, you know, and so that's college is where it really started to soar when I graduated, then I just had more freedom. Now I'm like, I can freely drive and go up or take the bus to Mohegan or Atlantic City or whatever. So now I have more time to do things because I was just pursuing comedy full time. I had some money. I had a little nest egg thing that could live off for about a year. But I'm pretty much just like, I'm dealing poker and I'm gambling.


    [0:17:51] Brianne Davis: It's almost like you were enjoying being in the CD underworld with it.


    [0:17:55] Billy: There is a sense of community to that. So I play back gaming. If people don't know what back m is, ask your grandparents or dead all seance ask them then, because it's either you're a junkie like me or you're over 60. Like, no one plays Backham. Nobody during COVID Yeah, nobody. It's like you'd say Backham and they're like, what? But if you have someone's like Jewish grandfather, you say chess pesh and be like, oh, yes, I know this game. So I started playing. I learned. I always knew I played back am, and I would play with the pizza boss from back in the day. He taught me, like, the basics, but I wasn't very good. Now I'm fucking slam him. I'm much better at him now. But then I saw someone in Washington Square Park with a back ammon board. I was like, oh, I'd love to play back ammon.


    [0:18:41] Billy: They hang out with the chess people. It's kind of all that little crew.


    [0:18:44] Brianne Davis: Yeah.


    [0:18:44] Billy: Then I start playing back ammon, but they play for money because they're like, well, I can't waste my time doing this. So I am learning how to gamble with backgammon now. By the way, I've already stopped the figure game. Yeah.


    [0:19:03] Brianne Davis: You can't just play for fun.


    [0:19:06] Billy: I would have, but these grown men wouldn't because those guys in the park, they're working, those are hustlers, the chess guys in the back of and people in Washington Square Park, union Square, they're hustling. That's kind of their work job. Sometimes they do lessons as like, a guarantee, but otherwise they gamble chess, they gamble Back Avenue. So now I've got a new game I can play with and lose my money on. And in 2013, in the summer of 2013, I had a really bad session. I pretty much lost the last of my money. I was trying to find a job. I was having trouble finding a regular day job or whatever. I was still dealing with poker, but I kind of wanted to stop doing that. And I had a big bad loss to the point that was like, I got to owe this guy money, and then I had to move out of my apartment and move back home.


    [0:19:54] Brianne Davis: How much did you owe?


    [0:19:56] Billy: Okay, it wasn't a lot of money, but I was just, like, kind of running on fumes in the first place. So it was like rent. Yeah, I was bottoming out. I was like, hey, I can give you 300 now, but I'm going to owe you like, another seven or whatever the number was because I don't have it, and one day I'll have it. I'll give it to you. But I didn't have to tell my roommates, like, hey, I got to move out next month. And I moved back home for like, nine or ten months, something like that. I was like, okay, I got to chill the fuck out. The gambling kind of went on pause. I started looking for an actual job. And then when I did get an office job, I worked my way back to the city, paid that guy back, but the itch is still there. And then around that time, online poker got legalized in New Jersey. So now I've got another place. You see the patterns. Like, I am presented with new these are fun games.


    [0:20:52] Billy: It's like, oh, my God, it's fun. Here's a new way to have risk.


    [0:20:55] Brianne Davis: And to alive and get the jolt in the high. And it's all colors. They made it all colorful now online.


    [0:21:03] Billy: Yeah, but quickly back with the back, because you mentioned that I did the CD underground sitting. Even with the poker, there is community. So right now, if you go to the Union Square right now in New York City and you go to the chess guys, most of them know me, and I know that because I've been playing with them and hanging out with them for like a decade at this point. Like, some of them I'm sincerely friendly with, right? We bust each other's balls. I say, hey, what's up? Sometimes I go by and hang out for ten minutes. I'm not even playing. I'm just like watching a game or catching up or something because I talk about sex for a living. Like I have an only fan. So they're like, Billy, man, what's doing on your only fans, man? What's she doing there? Who'd you bang, man?


    [0:21:52] Brianne Davis: If people want to join, you can join. We'll link it in the description.


    [0:21:56] Billy: Yeah, but they all know each other. I mean, one guy came over to play a couple of weeks ago. He left his dice. So after this, I go to Union Square on my way to a comedy show. I got to go drop off a guy's dice.


    [0:22:09] Brianne Davis: What's going on? You're still doing it?


    [0:22:12] Billy: I don't pretend to be in recovery at the end of the story. This is not a story where it ends with me doing the work, giving.


    [0:22:19] Brianne Davis: Inspirational quotes at the end. You're not going to be giving no inspiration.


    [0:22:23] Billy: No. This is like somewhere in between Rounders and Mississippi grind. You seek Mississippi Grind?


    [0:22:30] Brianne Davis: Yes, I did.


    [0:22:31] Billy: Brian Reynolds and Ben Mendelsson. That's a terrible gambling movie. You can't have a gambling movie like that. Spoiler alert, cover your ears. Fast forward 30 seconds. If you're still listening now, it's your fault. That movie ends with him winning and he wins a lot.


    [0:22:49] Brianne Davis: Yeah, that's not a true scenario.


    [0:22:53] Billy: Well, here's the thing. It is a possible true scenario. It's not like nobody ever wins like that. It's just like that's not healthy for me to see all the great gambling movies they end either neutral either it was like they were down and they were working away to even, or they lose it all and they like, have a come to Jesus moment. But like, this is the first gambling movie I saw. It's like they're depicting an addiction. Ben Mendelsson's character is terrible. He is off the rocks. He's rock bottom. Even when he hits rock bottom, you didn't think it could go Lord. Then Ryan Reynolds comes into his life. That goddamn beautiful, man. Ruins it even further. But then at the end, he wins.


    [0:23:30] Brianne Davis: I know, but you have to understand but that's what society does. It glamorizes those scenarios. Just like for me and I talked about it recently, is like, The Notebook is like the worst movie for sex and love addicts because the cheating she's doing, I'll kill myself if you don't go out with me. I'll drop off the spares wheel and it's like it's all a bunch of bullshit. That's not actually how it ends. Like, those relationships end. So I get you where you're like, oh, I want that. I want someone to kill themselves for me.


    [0:24:00] Billy: Well, when I saw Mississippi Grind, like, I'm very cognizant of my addiction. So I'm watching that, knowing that this is not a good movie. I'm watching it being like, yes, he's losing. This is correct. This is how it should go. If you want a really good depiction of the gambling addiction, there's this movie that does it just I've never seen anything so realistic. It's on Netflix. It's called win. It all starts I think his name is Jake Johnson, that dude from the new guy. He's in Tag. It's really good. And he tapped into a thing where I'm like, I have felt all these emotions that you were feeling in all these moments, and that was really true to form. I'm getting goosebumps now remembering it. I'm scared to watch it again because it just so he nails it. It's weird having a struggle like this where I'm also not trying to fix it because I don't think I can.


    [0:24:49] Billy: I went eight months one time without gambling in college because I had a really bad night. I had a big loss. I probably lost, like $1,000, which, when you're a college kid, is a lot. Yes, but also I became ugly. I snapped at a lady at the table who was, like, being upsetting. And I was playing with adults. So to them, we were playing low stakes. To them, one hundred dollars to five hundred dollars buy in. To me, that $200 was a fucking lot. And so I probably did five rebuys or something like that. At one point, she was like, how much are you in for? And I fucking snapped. I mean, it's a little rude to ask the question, but I got ugly, and I didn't like what came out of me. And so I was like, pause. Went to a college professor.


    [0:25:34] Billy: I missed class the next day. I was so down. And then when I went to him after that, I was like, hey, man, this is why I missed class. He's like, Look, I don't want to overstep. I've taken this guy, like, multiple classes, so he knows me. And he gave me the number of a friend of his who's a psychoanalyst, started seeing her. I went eight months without part of that was because I didn't have enough money to gamble the way I enjoyed a gamble. But also, part of it was like, I wasn't buying dollar scratches. I was like, I was really trying to stop. I made it eight months. That was the longest I've ever gone.


    [0:26:04] Brianne Davis: And so what made you start again after that eight months?


    [0:26:08] Billy: I got some money. It's easy to not gamble if you don't have money with which to gamble.


    [0:26:16] Brianne Davis: So you got money, and then all that work that you did or that just being just went out the window again.


    [0:26:23] Billy: It just will slowly be like, look, you go up, you can go down, but you end down. I also have a hard time leaving. Like, for poker table, it's hard to leave because there's also, like again, it can be social, right? So you can go and you're making friends. You're cracking jokes. I'm getting attention. I grew up with basically no friends. I got bullied real bad. So when I found myself in a space. That was accepting me and enjoying my company and laughing at my jokes. Whether that's in the comedy scene or in this scene or later in the dating scene, it's like, it feels warm, it feels nice. I'm like, oh, these people like me. Even if they don't, I'm thinking they do. There's also a little bit of addiction to the it was more fun to go to a poker club in the city than to a casino and play by myself for 15 hours straight. I think my longest run on casino floor was like 27 hours.


    [0:27:12] Billy: I went 27 hours straight, no stop. I would stop for food or to take a piss, but I wasn't going to sleep 27 hours straight on the floor. I was doing well. It might have fenced, but I was doing well. I'm like, I can't stop.


    [0:27:26] Brianne Davis: But see, I'm not a gambler. So when I'm sitting here listening to you saying 27 hours and you're up, I'm like, Walk away. Take the money, walk away.


    [0:27:37] Billy: I think I did end up for that session, if I recall. I don't think I left being like, what did I just do? But I've also had a lot of times where I spent 7 hours somewhere and then I left down three grand. And I'm like, what did I just do? And it's really tough and it's really dark. And again, because of my work and because of being a comedian, I have a lot of material on gambling. But in the real world, like, right now, what we're doing, even though it's a podcast, podcasting is more real to me. I don't get to talk about it and it's a little tough. It's weird. It's also weird to say, I know this is bad and I'm choosing not to stop.


    [0:28:13] Brianne Davis: But I just think that's honest. I love even when people are in their place of where they're numbing out or going to define community, that might not be the healthiest or this activity that gets them higher, that excitement that you're willing to say, I know it's bad, but I'm not stopping.


    [0:28:34] Billy: Yes, I can control it sometimes. But as you know, in any addiction, if you're not supposed to try to control it in a certain way. But I'd always be like, well, okay, I'll be cognizant of like, well, why do I want to gamble? And if it's not a good reason, I won't gamble now. But if it feels like natural, then I'll do it. But no matter what, it will always end up with, even if it's not that session, it will lead to a session that is really bad. Not just for my personal health, not even just for my bank account, but for my life. There's time that I don't get back. Something I'm realizing is like, I'm losing time and I don't get that time back. And that's time that's not going towards my creative pursuits. That's time not going towards friendships. Time not going towards fucking yoga, right?


    [0:29:16] Brianne Davis: Because you're using 27 hours. Just like the guy I talked to last week that lost 14 hours playing a video game and not participating in life or even what I used to do is being obsessed with this romantic person that was unavailable. I lost time. You are losing time.


    [0:29:34] Billy: The amount of time you've spent scrolling someone's Instagram feed to be like, okay, but is he back with her?


    [0:29:41] Brianne Davis: Well, luckily, in my bottoming out days, there was no social media. I can't imagine if I was still an Attic with social media, I would just probably lose my mind and not be on this planet, to be honest. I can't imagine. But you're still in it. So I guess my last question for you is where are you now with it, now that we have this conversation?


    [0:30:05] Billy: Yeah, I've tried going to gamblers. I've been to Gamblers Anonymous a few times. I think like, three times. I've been the Gamblers Anonymous over the last ten years. I don't really like it because they say to be a member, the first thing you have to do is have a desire to quit gambling. And I don't want to quit gambling. I just want to stop losing. I joke that I think Gamblers Anonymous should be a weekly meeting where we come together and learn how to be better gamblers. This isn't heroin. We can be better. This is like heroin where if we do the math rights, it can work out better. Let's all learn how to count cards. It hasn't been my vibe, partially. I don't know how it differs from AA. The way you can participate is a lot more limited if you're newer.


    [0:30:57] Billy: Unless you have X amount of months or a year, you're just limited in participation, which I don't like. I like talking. So, like, let me talk, and if I can't talk, then I want to be here.


    [0:31:11] Brianne Davis: You just can't talk more than three minutes.


    [0:31:13] Billy: You can share, but you can't do cross talk.


    [0:31:15] Brianne Davis: Whatever the cruise talk, you can't talk about other people when you're in those meetings, especially with money, sex, and food, you can't cross talk.


    [0:31:25] Billy: Yeah, I've been to other types of meetings, like for a friend where I went to an Allen On thing once and was like, okay, you could participate a little more. And so I just didn't like the vibe. Where am I at with it now? I'm just like, you know what? When I do have the extra cash, I'm not first thinking about how I can gamble it. I'm in a more adult mode, so there's a little bit of help where there's limited resource. And the resources I do have, I have things I do want to do with them. So it's helpful to go into a casino. I won't go to a casino with less than $1,000. Frankly, if I'm going to do Gamble Casino the way I like to do it, I prefer to have at least two grand. It's almost like it feels like not worth it. Because if I got to drive 3 hours and 3 hours back, I want to spend X amount of time and I'd like to at least make X amount of money if I win. If I win and I'm able to leave. So really the most gambling I end up doing is the back gaming. And the winter is helpful because it's fucking cold.


    [0:32:26] Billy: So I can't go to Union Square and play there for hours. It's gotten better where I'm not going to freeze while I lose. If I'm going to lose, I'll be a little comfortable.


    [0:32:35] Brianne Davis: I want to get a suntan. If you're going to lose, I want a suntan while I do it.


    [0:32:39] Billy: Yeah. I am in maintenance and like a low volume mode and just doing my best to get out of routine. So sometimes gambling can be part of a routine. If I can create other routines or different subway routes to the same place that bypasses Union Square, that's helpful. If I have other joys in my life, whether that's a partner or practices or I'm like doing a lot of creatively. I've been freelance writing more, so that's helpful. Not only am I being creatively generative, but I'm also making money from that. I've been writing for Mashable recently, so stuff like that. Just being generative at least helps with the maintenance where I don't have enough time and I may have some money and even when I gamble, it's some money. But usually I'm winning $50. I'm losing $50. Okay, sometimes I win $200, but sometimes I lose $500. But I'm able to manage it a little easier. But the best thing so far has been just filling my schedule with generative stuff and that's the best I can do for now.


    [0:33:48] Brianne Davis: That makes you feel good and productive?


    [0:33:50] Billy: Yeah. And the more the better I feel, the more productive I am, the less desire I have to go spend 8 hours in a park with some potentially homeless people playing back. If I can just folks check me on socials. You search Billy proscida. I pop right up PR o CIDA. And I host a great show called the Man Whore Podcast. Wherever you're listening to Secret Life, you can find me there.


    [0:34:17] Brianne Davis: Thank you so much for coming on and sharing your secret. I'm so grateful to know you. This has been such a great episode.


    [0:34:24] Billy: Yes, thank you. Thank you. I was happy to be here and.


    [0:34:27] Brianne Davis: If you want to be on the show, please email me at SecretLifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time.


    [0:34:34] Billy: Bye.


    [0:34:39] Brianne Davis: Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate, share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com. And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.



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    34m | Feb 13, 2023
  • Genie: I’m Engaged to a Level One Sex Offender

    Genie shares her unique story of falling in love with a level one sex offender.

    TRIGGER WARNING - This episode contains topics that may be triggering. Listener discretion is advised.

    In an inspiring and heart-felt discussion, she dives into the complexities of such a relationship, focusing on themes of communication, cycles of abuse, mental health, and remaining hopeful. Genie's story is a powerful reminder to keep an open mind and to be understanding of the struggles faced by those who have made mistakes and are on a journey of redemption. With the help of Brianne Davis, author of a book about her experiences, Genie encourages all listeners to look beyond the label of 'sex offender' and to find empathy for those in her situation. Tune in to gain insight into the struggles of remaining in a love relationship with a sex offender and the importance of paying attention to online dangers.

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    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

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    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

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    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

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    Transcript


    [0:00:00] Genie: My fiance was set up in a sting and did not know it, but he was communicating with a said minor, but wasn't a minor.


    [0:00:15] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, a four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon.

    Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funny secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really?


    [0:01:13] Brianne Davis: The how, what, when, where, and live at all. Today. My guest is Genie. Now, Genie, I have a question for you. Dun dun dun. What is your secret?


    [0:01:23] Genie: My secret is I am engaged to a level one sex offender.


    [0:01:27] Brianne Davis: Oh, okay. What is a level one sex offender?


    [0:01:31] Genie: Level one is usually not one that you would be able to look up on any regular data site, only because their offenses are so minimal. It could be, you know, public urination, it could be light and decent indecent exposure. And in my case, my fiance was set up in a sting and did not know it, but he was communicating with a said minor, but wasn't a minor.


    [0:01:57] Brianne Davis: Okay, take us back. First of all, how long have you been with him?


    [0:02:01] Genie: Well, we started dating in early 2021. That's when we met.


    [0:02:06] Brianne Davis: And how did you meet?


    [0:02:08] Genie: We met on an online dating site. The most popular one that's out there, tinder. But he had already been. And prior to that and what had got him to that point of communicating with that said person? He was already down a rabbit hole of addiction and being meeting people for just sex. And he was on Adult Friend finder a couple of other I call him sleazy dating sites. And he was down a dark path.


    [0:02:34] Brianne Davis: So he was addicted to the fantasy of the other person online?


    [0:02:41] Genie: Well, I think when the person is not naturally attracted to younger people, he was just the act of being sexually engaged with anyone who was easy and readily available. That was his target. If you were ready to go, do.


    [0:02:57] Brianne Davis: You think if it's even that, is it? What did he ever say to you? And I know we're jumping already into it, and I want to backtrack a little, but did he ever say to you because it was, like, a little wrong, he was communicating with her? Because as we get more in our addiction, it gets darker. And cedar and the things you thought you wouldn't do, you find yourself doing self doing. Yes.


    [0:03:23] Genie: I don't think he ever entertained that thought enough to think that he would go that direction. It was just all about real meet, have sex, be done, never talk to that person again, or if they called him back, maybe. And when I met him, his intent for me was to be a friends with Benefit. And I was like, well, okay, I see that's the route you want to go. I had been in the dating scene, too, and I didn't quite understand what the friends with benefit was completely defined as. I knew it, but I didn't know it. And when I asked him, so what is your definition of friends with Benefit? He goes, oh, two or three people. I go, don't you think that's a little unhealthy? It gets sloppy. It gets kind of you don't know. Communication can get lost, and you risk the chance of STDs and STIs. And I didn't know about this secret until three months after we started seeing each other and hanging out a lot. And because of my job, too, I worked then with the state, and he knew I was a mandated reporter.


    [0:04:26] Brianne Davis: Really? Wait, so he picked a mandated reporter and didn't tell you for three months?


    [0:04:32] Genie: Right. But after this, he had already been in the trial part of his case.


    [0:04:36] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:04:37] Genie: His incident happened three months prior to me.


    [0:04:40] Brianne Davis: Can you take us through what actually happened with him so people listening. I want them to hear what actually happened. So he was talking to some multiple.


    [0:04:49] Genie: People he was talking to, and one of them, somebody would grab on and kind of communicate a little bit more, and they started talking about meeting up, and she mentioned something. I've read the reports. I've read the psychosexual evaluation. I've read the police reports. I've even seen a cell phone while other details on it. The said young lady said that she was scared to do it at first because she hadn't actually had sex with somebody of his stature statue and was hesitant about it. And he goes, oh, well, we can take it slow, and we can do it oral. And I said, So you did want to do this? He goes, yeah, but I kind of entertained it to the fact that I knew it was going and meeting her in a public place and meeting her to say, are you sure you really want everyone your life like this? That's what he discussed with me afterwards. And I said, So you wouldn't have met her in a private place knowing that how old she said was? And he goes, no, I don't think I could have actually went through with the act.


    [0:05:39] Brianne Davis: And how old did she say she was?


    [0:05:41] Genie: 1515.


    [0:05:43] Brianne Davis: And how old is he?


    [0:05:44] Genie: He was in his early 40s.


    [0:05:47] Brianne Davis: Okay, so did he end up meeting her, or he went to the place.


    [0:05:52] Genie: And then went to the public place. And as soon as he pulled up, they knew exactly what car he was, who would he look like. They immediately arrested him, didn't tell him what it was about. They took him from one place, and they grilled him, saying, how would you like this if this was your daughter? Blah, blah, blah. And he knew what was up. He knew what had happened. At that point, he did spend two nights in jail, and when he went, yes, he does. He has two, and they're adults.


    [0:06:19] Brianne Davis: Boys or girls?


    [0:06:20] Genie: One boy, one girl.


    [0:06:21] Brianne Davis: I got you.


    [0:06:22] Genie: Okay. And I have three myself, so I have two girls and a boy.


    [0:06:26] Brianne Davis: Okay. How old are your kids?


    [0:06:28] Genie: Well, one's 24, 21, and 19.


    [0:06:32] Brianne Davis: Got it.


    [0:06:33] Genie: Well, one was not an adult when I had met him, but after he had told me, I was very careful of watching him and seeing how his responses were and how he was with my kids. Because if I would have gotten any kind of feeling that there was something off, I would have immediately said, yeah, we can't do this. He disclosed it to a couple of people. After he was done, he went through treatment and did the legal treatment that was required. In addition to helping himself, he also had the opportunity of having a counselor free of charge to him. This isn't for everybody. It's only because of his service background. He has access to having extra counseling. So that benefited him, I think, in the most in his healing process and understanding and getting through those ropes of learning. What he did was wrong with the communication of an inappropriate context with a minor. It was a heavy load. When he hit me with this.


    [0:07:25] Brianne Davis: I want to talk about that, actually. And then I have more questions about his healing, because I actually want to hear a little more about it. But how was that let's call it D Day when he told you, how did that go? Where were you? How did you feel?


    [0:07:37] Genie: We went on a day trip that day. We were doing some cool photography of some vintage cars, and then we stopped at a restaurant, play pool, came back, and then I always drove. It just was a thing I did. And he said, I have something I really need to tell you. It's kind of my own secret. And I was like, okay. And he told me. He disclosed me because I got in trouble with the sting, and this is what happened. And I said, wow, that's a big thing that happened, and I'm really glad you told me. And I handled it very calmly. I didn't freak out on him. And of course, it took me probably about I still communicated with him, and I asked him what his intent was. As we got farther, he opened up more and more and more with me. I did go to counseling myself at that time, and I wanted to understand to me, I think I wanted to know, how can I help this person, even if it's not for me. Maybe it's the next woman that he ends up dating, that he gets the treatment, he gets he gets all the things.


    [0:08:36] Genie: His kids appreciate the fact that Dad's done the things for himself, because I think that's the meaningful part. And I told him, I said, don't make this about me ever. I want this to be about what you want to do. I want it to be for your family, for your job, so you don't ever lose it, for your community involvement. Me last, and it took a while. I mean, I had a long discussion, a lot of journaling. I wrote down a lot of stuff. Oh, man, I burned that book. Actually, I called it the Burn Book. Afterwards, I wrote down all the stuff, and then I burned it. But, yes, it was it was pretty impactful, and I did end up disclosing it to my supervisor at work because I knew that I was in that position where if it were ever to be brought up legally and if it were found, I didn't want it to be contingent on me or my job.


    [0:09:22] Brianne Davis: And what did they say?


    [0:09:24] Genie: She understood it, and because my job the way it was at that point, she was very understanding and keeping it as confidential as possible. And I told her, I promise that he's not going to be in any settings around here, no family events until we know when the legal trial is done. And that's when he was when the legal trial was done. That's when he was labeled as one, and he was on restriction. He had to get travel things to go see me because we were in different counties.


    [0:09:53] Brianne Davis: Okay?


    [0:09:53] Genie: So he had to get a travel voucher from his probation officer, and he would come down once a week, and I would come up to his place every other week or so like that, and that's how we would see each other. We would go back and forth. Also, when he went to this legal thing, he had asked the judge, asked his attorney that he had hired to say, well, my girlfriend that I'm seeing does have one son that's 17 and a half. Can I put his name on the, you know, being supervised by her? And he they asked the judge that, and he granted it. Okay, so but ever since then, we I after 2021, and then we we dated for probably about a good six or seven months, and then I ended up moving into his place with his kids because then my kids all got their own places and my youngest went to their dads. And none of this was to my understanding in relation to my relationship, except for the fact that Mom's moving on.


    [0:10:43] Brianne Davis: Does any of your kids know about it or is this, like, a secret a lot of people don't know?


    [0:10:48] Genie: No. I had actually to talk to them a little bit about it. And then I talked to my fiance about it, and I said, this is mostly your story to tell, so if you ever want to sit down and openly talk to them about it and I asked them, I go, do you guys ever want to hear it? And they're like, no, we know what we know, and that's all we need to know. And you know what? They all have a wonder, since it's been about two and a half, almost two years, that we all have a great relationship, and it's worked out. They see him for who he is genuinely as a person now because he's overcome a lot of hurdles. And the reason why he went down that dark path and and became an addicted person because at a young age, he was pushed into being an instant father and married very quickly to a very older woman who already had kids.


    [0:11:31] Brianne Davis: So he was he was sexualized very young then.


    [0:11:35] Genie: Yes.


    [0:11:36] Brianne Davis: If he was with an older woman, whether he was of age or not, that can be a permanent damage to you.


    [0:11:42] Genie: Right. And then, of course, that marriage being as long as it was, there was a lot of online 18 years.


    [0:11:49] Brianne Davis: Wow.


    [0:11:49] Genie: Yeah, there was a lot of what he told me he felt like a doormat in a paycheck, probably about the same time he told me about this legal problem. He felt like a doormat and a paycheck and his wife and his wife's life.


    [0:12:00] Brianne Davis: Do you think then he started acting out online to escape that relationship?


    [0:12:05] Genie: Oh, he had numerous affairs while he was married.


    [0:12:08] Brianne Davis: Right.


    [0:12:08] Genie: He was trying to get away from that whole he wanted that connection with somebody who saw something in him, and the only thing he saw that he was useful for was for sex.


    [0:12:16] Brianne Davis: Right. Yeah. I mean, listen, I am a sex addict. I'm a sex and love addict, and I totally get when we use our sexuality or try to connect with other people through that, but it's like he went to the extreme because he was so disconnected from himself and his sexuality was taken away.


    [0:12:34] Genie: Exactly. Yeah.


    [0:12:37] Brianne Davis: So how far did it go down? Did he ever meet any minors or was that the first and only one, or have you asked him?


    [0:12:44] Genie: That was the first and only one, and I did ask him that. I asked him if he was ever attracted to him. I even went back and reading your book, too, and I asked him I go, did you ever have any incidences in your younger life where you may have been exposed to these kind of things? Because that's what I've seen a lot when I work with my former job, is seeing a pattern of exposure, and it just kind of continues. And it's one of those things that either people either can identify it, learn to get the treatment and stop it, or they can continue to choose doing that same thing over and over again until they don't see a problem with it.


    [0:13:15] Brianne Davis: And what did he say when you asked him that?


    [0:13:17] Genie: He never had that kind of exposure. He lost his virginity at an older age.


    [0:13:22] Brianne Davis: I know, but even with porn and stuff, did he look at porn at a young age? Because that's a big factor.


    [0:13:29] Genie: He may have had touch and go with that, but he never told me that he was ever addicted to the porn or anything. To me from what my background of going through the schooling that I went through and also understanding background for casework. There's nothing that significance a red flag to me that says, oh, he had this kind of exposure as a youngster, and this is why. It's just a lot of I think a lot of it mostly had to do with his parents being divorced, his dad not coming around, not having that love and connection attention, and being married to an older woman and still then falling in that whole trap of not feeling the love and connection. And it just seems like it's playing.


    [0:14:07] Brianne Davis: Online and those connections that feel real but they're actually false connections and then the stakes keep getting higher to get the hit and high you want.


    [0:14:16] Genie: Absolutely.


    [0:14:20] Brianne Davis: Does he get online anymore now or is that a no go?


    [0:14:24] Genie: Very little no. He's only on a couple of very social medias and he allows me to look at what he has.


    [0:14:30] Brianne Davis: Good.


    [0:14:30] Genie: He has no problem with me looking at what he has. There used to be a time in the beginning of our relationship his phone was always faced down, he'd always have notifications off. And I knew for the probably about the first six months he was still coming off of that high of being connected to those people.


    [0:14:45] Brianne Davis: Yeah, it takes a while. It's very hard to go cold turkey off of online anything, even online gaming, it's hard to go cold turkey. It's very difficult.


    [0:14:58] Genie: Even in the beginning of our relationship, I had caught him. He was going to hook up with some gal after we had had a huge weekend, a holiday weekend together. And then he was trying to persuade the neighbor that lived over at another place that we lived at together and I caught it and he tried to lie about it at first, but then he felt really bad and he backed down and it was just like it was wrong. I should have never flirted with her, I should have never kissed her on even though we were seeing each other, I was just thinking, I can get away with it.


    [0:15:30] Brianne Davis: And that was do you know why he did that? Why you guys were getting closer, why he did that?


    [0:15:36] Genie: I do, but I don't. It's like I can't go in his brain and actually pinpoint what it is, but he can only go by what he tells me.


    [0:15:43] Brianne Davis: Well, it's a definite fear of intimacy. So if you're getting closer to him in real life, he does anything he can to make that disconnection and go somewhere else. It's him chasing still that fantasy at that time because it was getting too real, probably, for you guys.


    [0:16:01] Genie: That is probably exactly it, because it was right before I had moved in with him.


    [0:16:05] Brianne Davis: That's what always happens. I was talking with somebody and they were like, every time we go, my boyfriend and I go on a family vacation, he picks a fight with me afterwards. And I'm like, yeah, because he's terrified of real intimacy. So he picks a fight with you because it was too real, and he didn't come from that background, so he doesn't know how to process it.


    [0:16:27] Genie: That's right. That's a very good analogy. One of the books that I did read with him, and I'm probably sure you're familiar with it, it's called out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes.


    [0:16:36] Brianne Davis: Yes, I love that book.


    [0:16:38] Genie: Oh, my gosh. If anybody's ever going through this kind of process. And one thing I do want to disclose about him being a sex offender and I don't want people to turn away from these people. Yes, there's people that have got extreme patterns of child molestation, rape and things like that, but with his being a level one, the way it was and going through the treatment is not an easy process because these people have to pay for this. It's no different from drug rehab. You have to pay for it. And if you can't get a job anywhere because of those legal things that you have pressed against you, then how are you able to afford the treatment to go forward?


    [0:17:14] Brianne Davis: Yeah, it's a lot of money. People with this addiction, this tendency, it's really hard to get recovery.


    [0:17:21] Genie: Yeah, I think it was about $400 every month for him. And he would have meetings once a week, and he would tell me all about the meetings. I've never told him to tell me anything. I let him do I said, if you want to share, that's great. I'm here to be here to listen to you and help you through anything. And that's why when I read that book, I literally went through and I understood every piece of it, so I knew how to support him, and that was a big thing. And then I read well, I listened to yours on audiobook, but all those resources I got all my resources together. It's like, if I'm going to be anything, this man, I'm going to be a resource and help for him and get him through this. Like I said, I didn't want him to make it about me. I wanted it to be for himself and his family first. Yeah.


    [0:18:03] Brianne Davis: And I think it's really beautiful as a partner, the non judgmental and not taking it on. It's about you. I even work with a lot of partners and help them see like, this addiction has nothing to do with you. If he's going to go do that, it has no reflection of you. It's his own. But then I always have what in you, though, are not showing up. What in you depicts somebody unavailable, but it seems like he's doing the work. So you're showing up completely available and saying, here, you have to do your work and it's all on you. But I will show up for you to see how it's different, how you're handling it. And majority of the people, because they make it about them and it's not about them. He has a disease. He has a sickness. He's trying to escape himself in some way.


    [0:18:46] Genie: Exactly. Yeah. And I really dug deep into that because I wanted him to know that I want to understand every element of this. So I know everything that even when you talk about the whacka Mole addiction, like, he used to also be a smoker, and he just recently quit smoking. And so I said, so have you found yourself finding addiction to anything else? And then lately it's been I call it the TikTok rabbit hole.


    [0:19:12] Brianne Davis: TikTok is a huge one. That is a huge addiction, actually. It's bad. So what is he doing now? So he's going down that rabbit hole of watching videos.


    [0:19:23] Genie: Yeah, and I want to back it up just a little bit. But before then, when he was going to counseling and I was going to counseling and because we had had those hurdles of him still trying to interact with people and trying to get better and then going into counseling, I actually sat down and said, let's come up with healthy things that we can do. So we started doing more stuff in the kitchen. We started making cakes together, we started making other recipes together. We've gone camping. Another thing we did is, I don't know if you've seen those glass cubes that people put like fairy lights in, but instead of putting fairy lights in every time we went out somewhere, like even a coaster or a menu or something small that we could put in their little shrinkage, and we started collecting memory jars. We're on our fifth one right now. And they're positive things. I always told him, let's think of positive things that we can change, those negative things that you are so easily fallen into. And I think that was the biggest thing, is another part of me working with him to better himself.


    [0:20:18] Brianne Davis: But I also love that, yes, I'm all about positivity, but there's a time and a place for it. So he still had to go through the negative stuff with his therapy, his groups, whatever he's doing, and then you be there next to him and then trying to expand his life instead of making it smaller.


    [0:20:38] Genie: Right.


    [0:20:38] Brianne Davis: I don't look at it as positivity. I just look at it as you expanding you guys'life together.


    [0:20:44] Genie: That's a good way to put it. Definitely. It's like I try not to monitor him, but I do monitor him. I think that's just my fear of him going down that addiction hole. But I think we're kind of far enough away from it now. But I always do check in.


    [0:20:59] Brianne Davis: I think it's important. The first five to ten years, you kind of have to do check ins. I don't ever suggest to make sure you're checking it 24/7. But when you're getting out of this specific addiction, it is the hardest one to get out of it, and you have to be diligent and little things can trigger you just even seeing something on a website. So it is always important for them to have accountability. Like for me, I had accountability with my partner. It just is it's? You showing up authentically, but there has to be no judgment on the other side. And I think that's where you have a good balance with it.


    [0:21:39] Genie: Yes. And that is one of our strong suits from coming from both of our rocky marriages that we've had. And the lack of communication was the hardest part that we didn't understand a lot from our marriage. It just wasn't there. And I think that's what has helped us in our relationships, like communication, communication, communication. We have to talk about it. Even if it's the nitty gritty and it hurts and it feels like it's just ugly, we have to talk about it.


    [0:22:08] Brianne Davis: You do. Communication is the most important. But I am going to ask you a question, and it's going to be might be difficult to answer, because if someone has a young child that this has happened to them, what would you say to them? How would you explain his side to them to make them feel understanding? Or maybe there's nothing you can say, so I don't know. So I was wondering if you've ever thought about that.


    [0:22:36] Genie: I have thought about that. I was with him when he was really restricted as far as the restriction goes, too. They even monitor his phone. Yeah, he monitors electronic devices on any communication. Anything he searched. If you searched anything about anatomy, they would have dinged him and he would have been in trouble by his PO and heartbeat. I think when I was out in public with him, there was a lot of questions asked, even from his treatment counselor, saying, did you have a kid come up and touch you or bump into you? If something like that happens, you need to say something and express it and tell people and people in your group how you feel. I think if there was anything that I could tell that there was something discomforting, like if a kid was being too close to him and he was just like, I need to get this makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to get in trouble again. I don't want to feel like I'm going to get prosecuted for this kid coming at me. So I think it's just about us learning boundaries, and because we're much older and our kids are much older, and of course there's going to be kids coming into our life that are younger from them having their children. It's his story to tell. Again, I've always said it's his story to tell. And if he feels that it's something that's going to make him uncomfortable in a setting, in a place with lots of children around, then I've always told him, we can go.


    [0:23:54] Genie: We can leave. We don't have to stay here.


    [0:23:56] Brianne Davis: Okay. And if any parents that have dealt with that they're younger kids talking to older people online, what would be your advice for them just because you've dealt with it on the other side?


    [0:24:09] Genie: As a parent myself, I monitored my kids devices. I paid for it, I monitor it, amen. And I hate it when people sit there. Well, my kid won't take their device away. They don't need it. You tell them you'll pick them up and drop them off, you'll be there. Do it like you did in the 80s.


    [0:24:27] Brianne Davis: You didn't even have a cell phone or a phone.


    [0:24:31] Genie: I'm picking you up at so and so's house, and if you're not there, I know you were lying. But also working part of my line of work that I worked with, reading cases, there were young girls who had been sexualized younger.


    [0:24:44] Brianne Davis: Well, then, mostly likely, there's a brokenness about them. I work with a lot of young girls, especially 15 and 16 year olds. And anybody that's online looking for that connection is lacking a connection in their real life that's just exactly some damage was done, some abandonment, some low self esteem, fear of intimacy, fear of being loved. But I believe that this social media world we live in is making it a thousand times worse.


    [0:25:15] Genie: Definitely. And it's tough. And even in the field where I'm at now, I won't disclose because I don't want too much to get out there, but I see people, even the kids that are on these cases, on Zoom, and I see their Zoom profile picture, and then they come on, and I'm like, Whoa. I would have instantly thought that person that was in that picture was over 20 years old. And I thought, how dangerous? When I know that that person that's really on that Zoom is under 18.


    [0:25:42] Brianne Davis: Yeah. So scary. And wanting to grow up so quickly as well. There's always that need. As a young child, I mean, I even wanted to grow up quickly. We all do. But we have to protect the innocent, even from themselves, right? I do have one more question I'm dying to ask. I do have a son. We were just talking about the same thing. But how do I protect my son? He's four and. A half. But how do I protect him from online creditors, however they are, innocent or not, how do I protect him?


    [0:26:17] Genie: Again, monitoring him? What is he going on and educating him? That's not a safe place. There's probably people in there that are not okay to talk to you. And if somebody asks you questions that you don't feel comfortable, you tell me right away. Even some of the stuff that my kids used to play, like called penguin back in the day, there was always somebody on there, and they would start cursing them. Oh, my God, mom, this person's cursing at me. And I might report them, report them right away because I don't know who they are. I don't know. There could be some 30 something year old playing around on the kids game and trying to get kids. And like I said, I monitored a lot of stuff. I monitor even snapchat. I monitored my kids on that. They told me some kid was getting ready to want to fight another kid. I said shut it down.


    [0:27:04] Genie: Don't get in the middle of it, and we're going to take it to school.


    [0:27:07] Brianne Davis: Yes, I love that. That's great too. I love having you on. Is there anything else you want to share that you feel like you need to come on and talk about so people understand the other side of this behavior?


    [0:27:20] Genie: I don't like it when people sit there and generalize that all sex offenders are bad. They should be shot or killed or hurt or something in that way. I think as a society that's already lacking a lot of strength in the mental health field, that we really need to take a step back and saying, you know what? They're still in our community. They're still around. We don't know what it is.


    [0:27:39] Brianne Davis: They're still human. They're still breathing.


    [0:27:40] Genie: They're still human. And it's easy for a sex and love addict to fall in that trap because it's that fine line, and all of a sudden you could just go right over there and be like, oh, I really didn't want to go that far. And I just really wish the world or the United States in general would really focus on mental health a lot more. And I wish it wasn't so expensive so these people can get the treatment they need, so they can stop the cycle. Because when they don't get the treatment they need, they're right back on the street doing what they've been normally doing to survive.


    [0:28:15] Brianne Davis: It's a survival tactic to numb out and not be in reality. That's all it is. It really is. It's living in fantasy so you don't have to live in reality with how you're feeling.


    [0:28:25] Genie: Right? And there are some that are against the grain with the whole thing. Like I said, I've read cases where people are non registered sex offenders target younger young women or women in general with young kids, and they just perpetrate on them and drug habits. And it's just like, again, if we had the money going the right direction for those things, we would have a lot of healthier people.


    [0:28:48] Brianne Davis: I did the extreme cases, for sure. The ones that have raped or hurt children in that way, there is a perversion that they want to take the innocence because they never had that innocence. So I was talking one time to a professional about it. She specializes in it. That is a mental health issue that you actually have to go and work on because they're stuck in this adolescent style of sexuality and wanting to connect to when they were that young.


    [0:29:23] Genie: Right.


    [0:29:23] Brianne Davis: She had a whole different idea around it, which I found fascinating because, you know, a lot of sexual predators are in essay and slaa and I see them all the time and I'm friends with them that have had issues in the past and they're good people. They were just struggling themselves with mental health, addiction and all of that.


    [0:29:46] Genie: Yeah. One thing I explained when my fiance first got into his group setting, I said, I just want you to keep in mind, and this is something that I had to keep in mind when I've read cases a lot was these people didn't just wake up one day and decide, I'm just going to go molest people. No, it was something that the pattern behavior that had happened, something had happened to them. And I could read every psychological background that I've ever read and be like, boom, there it is.


    [0:30:11] Brianne Davis: It's generational. Usually it's passed down if it happened in the family, it's usually passed down in generations. If people don't actually do the work, they need to see why that happened to them or heal from.


    [0:30:24] Genie: Exactly.


    [0:30:25] Brianne Davis: Just like rage, just like violence that happens. It's passed down everything. Yeah.


    [0:30:30] Genie: And like I said, it's stopping it with the mental health and wanting it to stop.


    [0:30:35] Brianne Davis: Well, I'm so grateful to have you on. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Thank you for coming on. Thank you for reaching out to me. I'm honored and I really appreciate it.


    [0:30:45] Genie: I appreciate you too. I appreciate your book and everything about it. You helped me a great deal. I had him listen to it. He loved it too. I would have really loved for him to be here, but I thought, I'm going to tell it from my story this time. I'm going to tell it from my point of view.


    [0:30:59] Brianne Davis: No, I love it. Thank you. Thank you for doing that.


    [0:31:02] Genie: All right, thank you.


    [0:31:04] Brianne Davis: And if you want to be on the show, please email me at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time.


    [0:31:14] Genie: Bye.


    [0:31:16] Brianne Davis: Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com. And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.



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    31m | Feb 6, 2023
  • John: I Collect Fake Celebrity Nudes — Over 15,000 of Them

    John shares his journey with grief and how celebrity photoshop nude fakes have given him solace. He'll discuss how he's been able to cope with writer's block since his mother's death, and how he's hoping to take his hobby to the next level. Tune in for an intimate look into his healing process, and come out with a newfound perspective on grief.

    Host Brianne Davis provides helpful advice, poignant stories, and plenty of laughter. Join John on this emotional, heartfelt journey to find healing and hope on Secret Life.

    _____

    If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

    ______

    To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com

    _____

    SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

    addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

    _____

    Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

    _____

    Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

    ______

    HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?


    Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)


    Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)


    Transcript


    [0:00:00] John: My favorite actress, for example, she'll never, like, do like, nude scenes or anything like that, so I kind of look at the fakes. This is kind of fantasy.


    [0:00:19] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast.


    [0:00:22] Brianne Davis: Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine.


    [0:00:30] Brianne Davis: Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood sex and love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon.


    [0:01:01] Brianne Davis: Welcome to Secret Live Podcast. I'm Brianne. Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really the how, what, one way, or live at all. Today. My guest is John. Now, John, I have a question for you. What is your secret?


    [0:01:27] John: So my secret is I collect celebrity photoshop, nude, fakes.


    [0:01:32] Brianne Davis: How long have you been doing that?


    [0:01:34] John: Since 2000.


    [0:01:36] Brianne Davis: 2000, okay, so dive in. What made you start doing that? Did you create them yourself? Like, take me back when that all started. Was something going on?


    [0:01:48] John: No, I didn't create any at that time. Basically what had happened is I was watching a new TV show that had just come out, I think, andromeda andromeda yeah, it's like a side fiction TV show.


    [0:02:03] John: Yeah.


    [0:02:04] John: I liked one of the actresses and so I pretty much went to Google, looked for her nude, and stumbled across the fake. And that was the first fake I ever found of her.


    [0:02:16] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:02:17] Brianne Davis: Did you buy it or do you.


    [0:02:18] Brianne Davis: Just take it from is it free? How does that work?


    [0:02:22] John: Free? I just found it on Google image search.


    [0:02:26] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:02:27] John: And pretty much like, just copied the image to my computer at the time was really old.


    [0:02:36] Brianne Davis: What do you think it is about the fake? Because there are a lot of celebrity nudes that are real, but you only like the fake ones.


    [0:02:44] John: No, it's more back then, she had never done that. Okay, so it's more of a fantasy thing.


    [0:02:57] Brianne Davis: Yes. So you've been doing that for almost 23 years.


    [0:03:02] John: Yeah, it's slowed down quite a bit. I don't collect as much anymore. Basically, if I see one I like, I just download it and stick it with the rest of them.


    [0:03:15] Brianne Davis: So how many do you think you have that's embarrassing? Well, that's why we are here. This is a show where we get to say all those embarrassing things. I have been there. I have said very many embarrassing things.


    [0:03:29] John: So I have about last count, over 15,000.


    [0:03:34] Brianne Davis: 15,000?


    [0:03:36] John: Yeah. Over.


    [0:03:37] John: Wow.


    [0:03:38] Brianne Davis: Over. Oh, my God. What do you do with them? They just sit there. Do you go through them? Do you, like, celebrate that? Like, what do you do with them?


    [0:03:47] John: Sometimes I just look at them and admire the work that went into them. Because some of them you can really tell because some people who make them just do a crappy don't put an effort into it.


    [0:04:04] John: Yeah.


    [0:04:05] Brianne Davis: So you almost see them as artwork.


    [0:04:07] John: Yeah.


    [0:04:08] Brianne Davis: And then do you find someone you like or you don't know, and then you go watch all their movies or their TV shows?


    [0:04:14] John: Sometimes. And there are some that I found and liked and then later just hated them. Because see, I think I have an OCD thing, and I see one minor detail that's off, and it bugs me.


    [0:04:36] Brianne Davis: That's all you focus on.


    [0:04:37] John: Yeah.


    [0:04:38] Brianne Davis: Got it. So if it's a bad art, if it's bad, do you keep that or do you throw that away or you still keep it?


    [0:04:46] John: I keep it. I guess there's some that are just not great that I keep. I think keeping them is nostalgia's sake.


    [0:04:54] John: Got it.


    [0:04:55] Brianne Davis: So it's almost like somebody collecting baseball cards or something. It sounds like there's this compulsion to it a bit.


    [0:05:04] John: Yeah. In the last couple of years, I've kind of started semi getting out of it.


    [0:05:11] Brianne Davis: Okay. What does that mean?


    [0:05:15] John: I used to look for new ones pretty much every day. Nowadays I look maybe every couple of weeks.


    [0:05:26] Brianne Davis: Oh. So what's been going on where you've decreased the searching for them in your life?


    [0:05:33] John: Maybe as I get older, I just don't enjoy them as much.


    [0:05:36] Brianne Davis: Does anybody in your life know about them?


    [0:05:40] John: Three people.


    [0:05:41] Brianne Davis: Three people? Who are those three people?


    [0:05:43] John: Two were by choice, and one was not by choice.


    [0:05:46] Brianne Davis: Oh, so you got caught?


    [0:05:48] John: Yeah. So basically the one who caught me was one of my female cousins.


    [0:05:55] Brianne Davis: Oh, no. So you went on your computer and and saw them?


    [0:05:58] John: I had collected some early this was back in high school, and I had collected some mended day at school. And I brought them home, loaded them on the computer, and forgot to close the images out. She came up to visit, came up to my room and walked in, and I turned around to something else, and all I heard was, what's this?


    [0:06:24] Brianne Davis: Oh, my God. Did your stomach drop?


    [0:06:27] John: That's one way of putting it in.


    [0:06:30] Brianne Davis: Okay. What happened?


    [0:06:31] John: We're like sheer panic.


    [0:06:33] John: Yeah.


    [0:06:34] John: And it's like, adjoked by folks.


    [0:06:37] Brianne Davis: How old were you at the time?


    [0:06:39] John: Between 16 and 18. And she never did she pretty much.


    [0:06:46] Brianne Davis: Just kept that secret?


    [0:06:48] John: Yeah. She pretty much said, this is normal. Looking at this kind of stuff is normal, and sat down and just looked through them. And she, like, recognized some of the celebrities. The other two were by choice. This is what I've been doing.


    [0:07:08] Brianne Davis: Who were they?


    [0:07:09] John: Just good friends.


    [0:07:10] Brianne Davis: Okay. And what they say?


    [0:07:12] John: Pretty much same thing. Like that kind of stuff is normal.


    [0:07:15] John: Yeah.


    [0:07:15] Brianne Davis: Looking at porno images and all that is completely normal. But the difference between yours is that they're fake and you know they're fake. So what about it? Do you like that aspect of it that I'm curious about, that you know they're not real, but you still like them.


    [0:07:31] John: Well, I guess the closest fantasy, because some celebrities will never do, like, nude scenes or pose nude for magazines. Like, my favorite actress, for example. One of my favorite actresses is named Danielle Panabaker. She'll never do, like, nude scenes or anything like that, so I kind of look at the fakes. This is kind of fantasy.


    [0:08:02] Brianne Davis: Yeah, it's complete fantasy. And do you think with looking at those, that it keeps you distant from having a relationship in real life or no.


    [0:08:14] John: You mean like a girlfriend or yeah, not really. I kind of don't have much interest in a girlfriend at this point.


    [0:08:25] Brianne Davis: Oh, really? Have you ever had a girlfriend?


    [0:08:27] John: No, I've just never had the interest.


    [0:08:31] Brianne Davis: Okay, here's my question for you. When did you start looking at pornographic images? At what age do you think?


    [0:08:39] John: REM high school days.


    [0:08:41] Brianne Davis: High school?


    [0:08:44] John: I think the first one was Playboy.


    [0:08:46] Brianne Davis: So when we look at those images a lot and I've done a lot of work around this, it desensitizes our own sexuality, because then the fantasy is more it becomes everything instead of the reality. The reality of a person being with another person or a woman doesn't match the fantasy. Do you think that's true?


    [0:09:10] John: I guess it depends. Now, with fakes, usually people get aroused by this stuff. I don't.


    [0:09:21] Brianne Davis: You don't? No, not at all.


    [0:09:24] John: Well, I mean, back when I first started collecting, maybe. No.


    [0:09:29] Brianne Davis: So interesting. Not at all. So when you look at it and it's just like, oh, that's a great fake, they did a good job with taking her face and putting it on. That's what you look at mostly than the nude.


    [0:09:43] John: Yeah, pretty much. Like, a few years ago, I used to use fakes as wallpapers on, like, my tablet.


    [0:09:50] Brianne Davis: Yeah.


    [0:09:51] John: But now I don't do that much anymore.


    [0:09:54] Brianne Davis: Okay.


    [0:09:55] John: Mostly because I go out in public a lot now.


    [0:09:58] Brianne Davis: So you're getting out of the house?


    [0:10:00] John: Yeah.


    [0:10:01] Brianne Davis: That's probably why you've been doing less, do you believe? Because you said it's been, like, less used to do it every day and now you're doing it weekly.


    [0:10:10] John: Yeah, it's actually possible. I have a few friends I hang out with, and so that kind of helps.


    [0:10:18] Brianne Davis: It does help. It does help. I believe when we are stuck with these images, especially when they are fantasy, when we deny ourselves that authentic connection with other human beings, we miss out. And the moment you open yourself up to that and you're getting out of the computer screen with these images and with actual friends, that's what is a real connection.


    [0:10:41] John: And I think I started heavily collecting quite a few years ago because of grief?


    [0:10:48] John: Yeah.


    [0:10:49] Brianne Davis: What were you going through?


    [0:10:50] John: My mom died from cancer about 1011 years ago, and that's about when I started heavily collecting.


    [0:10:59] John: Yeah.


    [0:10:59] Brianne Davis: That's where you found comfort, right?


    [0:11:01] John: Yeah.


    [0:11:02] Brianne Davis: Not feeling alone. A huge loss.


    [0:11:05] John: Yeah. And I read this article online about how one guy got into fakes and it completely destroyed his life.


    [0:11:15] John: Yeah.


    [0:11:16] Brianne Davis: What did he say in the article? Why it destroyed his life.


    [0:11:19] John: He decided to start looking at fakes at his place of employment. I can safely say I've never done.


    [0:11:31] Brianne Davis: You haven't done that?


    [0:11:32] John: No. But the article also did the flip side where it actually saved somebody's life because I guess, like me, they lost their mother.


    [0:11:42] John: Yeah.


    [0:11:43] John: And they were thinking about ending stuff, so I guess that saved them.


    [0:11:49] Brianne Davis: Well, it did, because we reach for those outside things that we feel connected to, and it doesn't feel safe with another human being, especially if you lost somebody so important to you so they can give you that outlet of connection.


    [0:12:02] John: Yeah, I can agree with that.


    [0:12:04] Brianne Davis: Have you been doing work on the loss and the trauma of it with your mom?


    [0:12:09] John: Yeah, I had a therapist for a while. I think I'm kind of there now. Not easy. Never really all that easy.


    [0:12:19] Brianne Davis: No, grief is never easy. We run from grief. But are you finally feeling like you've felt it and moving through it?


    [0:12:27] John: Yeah, I think so. I've also got friends I talked to about it, too.


    [0:12:32] Brianne Davis: Oh, good.


    [0:12:34] John: One of my friends went through the same thing, actually.


    [0:12:38] Brianne Davis: Well, that always helps when I'm going through a hard time to find a group of people that have been through similar situations and they have them online. All over online as well. Grief and loss groups.


    [0:12:50] John: Yeah. I found this app, actually, called Seven Cups. Kind of like a sort of therapy app where you can go and talk to people.


    [0:12:59] John: Yeah.


    [0:13:00] John: And it's kind of helped me a bit.


    [0:13:02] Brianne Davis: Good.


    [0:13:03] John: Now, I have to admit, back when this all happened, I did used to make them.


    [0:13:09] Brianne Davis: You did used to make them for a short period. And what did that feel like when you were actually making the fake nude photos of celebrities?


    [0:13:18] John: That's hard to describe. Proud that I made one that looked decent, actually, because I still have one I made that is still my favorite.


    [0:13:29] Brianne Davis: What is it? Who is it?


    [0:13:31] John: Her name is Cody Depblo from the TV show NCIS. And it was like a lingerie style fake, not even nude. And that's still my favorite one I've made.


    [0:13:44] Brianne Davis: I know her. She's very nice. But here's the thing. I did want to ask you this, and I know probably our listeners are wondering, do you ever think of the actual person you're doing the nude of? Like, when you're cutting out their face or you're seeing their face and you know that's not them? Do you ever actually think of that.


    [0:14:06] John: Person in what way?


    [0:14:08] Brianne Davis: I don't know. If they choose not to be nude and then someone puts their face on a new body, have you ever thought about how that could make them feel?


    [0:14:16] John: Yeah, that's kind of why I stopped.


    [0:14:19] Brianne Davis: Oh, tell me about it. So you had that thought. What was the feelings that came up?


    [0:14:23] John: Pretty much just yeah, maybe they don't want this. Yeah, let's not do this.


    [0:14:28] John: Yeah.


    [0:14:29] Brianne Davis: That they're a human being as well.


    [0:14:31] John: Yeah, pretty much that.


    [0:14:32] John: Yeah.


    [0:14:33] Brianne Davis: And do you think that was one of the reasons about hanging out with friends more, getting out into the world and then that realization that they're humans as well?


    [0:14:41] John: Yeah, quite a bit, actually. And I haven't made one in seven, nine years.


    [0:14:49] Brianne Davis: Well, it seems like you're kind of an artist, too. Have you ever thought of trying to do something even different with your art because you enjoy art?


    [0:14:57] John: It seems like I kind of have. I've started not officially, not like paid stuff, just editing images into wallpapers and just like posting it to a deviant arc page.


    [0:15:14] Brianne Davis: I think you'd be great at it. There's something in it that inspires you, and I think it takes dedication and you have that. I don't know.


    [0:15:23] John: Yeah, I used to have something that was like that, but I used to write quite a bit.


    [0:15:28] Brianne Davis: Maybe it's time to pick it back up.


    [0:15:30] John: The issue is, ever since my mother died, I've had writer's block.


    [0:15:35] Brianne Davis: I know. And believe me, I know, writer's block and all that and trauma and all that, but it's like maybe you reaching out to me and wanting to come on and share the secret isn't a way for you to step through it now.


    [0:15:49] John: Yeah, that could be a good way of looking at it. And I've started dabbling with writing a bit more.


    [0:15:56] John: Good.


    [0:16:00] Brianne Davis: Well, I'm so grateful you came on. I'm so grateful to have this conversation. I never expected to have this conversation. It's been beautiful and I understanding so much. And thank you for reaching out to me.


    [0:16:14] John: Yeah, no problem.


    [0:16:15] Brianne Davis: And if you want to be on the show, please email me at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time.


    [0:16:27] Brianne Davis: Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com. And if you like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again.


    [0:16:44] Brianne Davis: See you soon.



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    16m | Jan 30, 2023
Secret Life
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