Advanced parenting may involve guiding a child through a mental health crisis. Or parenting a child with a chronic medical condition. Or both. It’s what parents must do when a child’s needs go beyond basic feeding, sheltering, loving, and nurturing.

As a childhood cancer survivor and complex care pediatrician, Dr. Kelly Fradin knows that it’s difficult for parents to balance kids’ physical and mental challenges with the routine logistics of parenting and family life. Healthcare providers and mental health clinicians often don’t have the time they’d like to support parents navigating these complex challenges, so she write a guidebook to help parents: Advanced Parenting: Advice for Helping Kids Through Diagnoses, Differences, & Mental Health Challenges.

Parenting Boys Through Health Challenges

“Boys struggle just as much as girls with having a challenge that separates them from their friends,” Dr. Kelly says.

But while many girls will spontaneously reach out for support and share their emotions with their friends and family, boys will likely need extra parental support to develop their emotional vocabulary.

“If they have that emotional literacy of being able to identify and talk about their feelings, they can communicate on a more sophisticated level,” she says, noting that parents (and other adults) must also give boys space and time to experience their emotions. Boys, Dr. Kelly says, need to know that “they don’t have to be strong all the time.”

 

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kelly discuss:

• When — and how — to ask questions of healthcare professionals and educators
• Evaluating online sources of health information
• Talking to your child about a diagnosis
• Managing parental anxiety
• Involving boys in their medical care
• Managing medication refusal
• Making room for emotions
• Helping siblings cope
• Picking your priorities

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

drkellyfradin.com — Dr. Kelly’s website

Advanced Parenting: Advice for Helping Kids Through Diagnoses, Differences, & Mental Health Challenges, by Dr. Kelly Fradin

Advanced Parenting podcast series

You Can Thrive with Chronic Illness and Special Needs — ON BOYS episode

Parenting Thru Health Challenges — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

 

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Midlife parenting often means navigating puberty and perimenopause at the same time.

The average age of first parenthood has increased in recent years, so many moms now find themselves going thru perimenopause around the same time their kids hit puberty, according to a 2021 New York Times Parenting Newsletter article titled, When Your Home is a Hormonal Hellscape.

And while thinking of your home as a “hormonal hellscape” may not be soothing, it’s refreshing to hear honest talk about midlife parenting.

“Sometimes people try to soft pedal the challenges,” says Ann Douglas, author of the best selling MOTHER OF ALL BOOKS series and Parenting Through the Storm, a book about parenting children through psychological problems. “Let’s be real about it.”

That’s exactly what Douglas does in her latest book, Navigating the Messy Middle: A Fiercely Honest & Wildly Encouraging Guide for Midlife Women.

Similarities Between Puberty & Midlife

“When you’re at midlife, you tend to start questioning everything,” Douglas says. “It’s a lot like the identity quest of adolescence.”

Understanding that fact may make you more empathetic to the changes (and mood swings!) your child is experiencing. Many midlife adults and teens are asking themselves, How do I fit into the world? 

Midlife Parents Need Support & Community

“I am such a believer in peer support,” Douglas says. “You want to talk to someone who knows just how hard it is – and who won’t judge — and that some from layers and layers of shared experience. We were never meant to go through any life stage on our own.”

Support and community can be found online or in person. “You can process a lot of the thinking and learning together,” says Douglas, who believes that her younger self would be surprised to discover what a joyous stage midlife can be. “It literally feels like I was running a marathon for decades – and then suddenly, the race didn’t matter as much and it was more about feeling happy with who I am and my contributions to the world. I feel like I can enjoy and savor.”

In this episode, Jen & Ann discuss:

• Perimenopause as “reverse puberty”
• How midlife sneaks up on us
• Feeling invisible
• Money and work at midlife
• Addressing perimenopause symptoms
• Real self-care

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

anndouglas.ca — Ann’s website

Navigating the Messy Middle: A Fiercely Honest & Wildly Encouraging Guide for Midlife Women, by Ann Douglas

When Your Home is a Hormonal Hellscape — NYT article

Midlife Reimagined — Ann’s Psychology Today blog

Parenting Through the Storm: Find Help, Hope, and Strength When Your Child Has Psychological Problems, by Ann Douglas

Author Ann Douglas on How to Help Boys with Mental Health Problems — Building Boys post

Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss, by Ann Douglas

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Middle school — and ages 11 to 14 — is “a time like no other!”

It’s a time when significant biological, neurological and emotional changes are happening simultaneously.

Middle school boys can be a confusing mix. They want to be treated like adults AND still do incredibly silly things. 

Jerome Hunter, co-founder of the Seattle School for Boys, recalls his middle school experience as a rollercoaster. In 6th grade, he was an enthusiastic learner who was interested in art, sports, math, & music. But as his junior high years went on, he felt the pressure to conform to others’ expectations. Drawing and art fell by the wayside; sports and socializing moved into prominence. Like so many boys, he felt he had to choose socially acceptable interests, and even though he didn’t feel entirely comfortable dropping some of his passions, he (like so many boys) “didn’t have the language to communicate that.”

Middle School Boys, Explained

“The middle school boy, as he’s getting older, is yearning for autonomy, freedom, and independence,” Hunter says.

At the same time, boys ages 10 to 14 (or so) have almost an “unfiltered desire to be part of the world,” Hunter says. They’re also more reflective, informed, and introspective than many people think.

“I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of thought they put into their conversations,” Hunter says. When tween boys have safe spaces to connect, and are surrounded by people who truly care about their well-being, they can (and will) dig deep. Especially when boys are surrounded by a spectrum of masculinity.

Helping Boys Explore Masculinity

Boys do best when they are given opportunities to explore and think about masculinity, instead of simply adopting others’ expectations.

“If we can educate young people between the ages of 11 and 14, it can really shift the way society views masculinity and boys, as well as the way they define themselves and interact with the world,” Hunter says. The goal is to empower boys to choose how they act (and interact with others).

Making sure boys have structured, safe time for communication is another way to help boys explore masculinity — and can decrease the teasing and insults that are so common among pre-teen and adolescent boys.

“Giving boys time for healthy communication will often disrupt some of that unhealthy communication,” Hunter says.

3 Skills Every Middle School Boys Needs

All boys need:

1. Healthy and balanced confidence
2. To communicate openly and clearly
3. To contribute to their community

In this episode, Janet & Jerome discuss:

• Characteristics of middle school boys
• Tween development
• Single-sex education
• Skills every boy needs
• Why pre-teen & adolescent boys tease & insult each other
• Connecting boys to the larger community
• Shifting your parenting to as your son grows

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

jeromeleehunter.com — Jerome’s website

3 Skills Every Middle School Needs — Jerome’s TED talk

Seattle School for Boys

My Brothers’ Keeper Alliance

Braden Bell Explains Middle School Boys — ON BOYS episode

Middle School Matters with Phyllis Fagell — ON BOYS episode

Top 6 Tips for Parenting Tween Boys — classic BuildingBoys post

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Mother’s Day is a day to honor the sacrifices mothers make for their children. At least, that was the intent of Anna Jarvis, the founder of Mother’s Day in the United States

This year, we’re also celebrating the many ways in which mothering has enhanced our lives. (“You can’t stay stagnant as a human being while you’re a parent,” Jen says.)

Parenting is a lot more challenging than most of us expected. And yet, raising kids is an awesome, enriching experience.

Mothering & Learning to Let Go

Parenting “by the books” is exhausting — and often ineffective. Our panel of experienced moms have found better luck (and more satisfaction) in tailoring their parenting to their child. And in trusting the process.

“Your child is going to grow through whatever stage he is in,” Janet says.

Mother’s Day Expectations

For many moms, Mother’s Day can be stressful. We want to be appreciated. We might want to relax — alone, or with family. Some moms are grieving the loss of a child, the loss of a parent, or other losses. Sharing your preferences with your family can be helpful.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, Katie & Brenda discuss:

• If we wanted boys or girls
• How parenting matched (or didn’t match!) our preconceived notions of parenting
• Our evolution as parents
• Sleep challenges
• Giving boys time to mature
• Self-compassion & self-care
• Letting others help

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Honoring Dads on Father’s Day (and Always) — ON BOYS episode

Boy Moms as Boy Advocates — ON BOYS episode

All Boys? — classic Building Boys post

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sponsor Spotlight: FITAID

Clean Energy + Sports Recovery. Go to drinkfitaid.com/ONBOYS and get 40% off

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Division 51 of the American Psychological Association launched a Task Force on Boys in School in 2020.

Finally!

Boys do worse in school, on average, than girls. Boys are more likely to be disciplined, suspended, or expelled than girls — even when their behavior is similar. They’re also less likely to graduate or go onto college and graduate from college.

These facts aren’t new. Boys have been struggling for decades. 

“We are very late to the game,” says Christopher Reigeluth, PhD, an assistant professor in the Division of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at Oregon Health and Science University and chair of the Boys in School task force. “Lots of people are late to the game in this regard. I can take some pride in the fact that we got this task force going and are trying to build awareness of this decades-long issue.”

Why It’s Taken So Long to Address Boys’ Issues in School

Because men still predominate in positions of power, many people assume boys are doing just fine.

“The light doesn’t get shined on boys and men for their difficulties and issues and mental health struggles the way that it needs to, and those things can get overlooked. And have been overlooked for a long time,” Chris says. Additionally, he says, “the ‘guy code’ doesn’t want there to be acknowledgment of the fact that boys suffer, or boys feel vulnerability and have weaknesses and insecurities, even though everyone does.”

Why Boys Struggle in School

Educators’ perceptions (and expectations) of boys affect boys’ educational experiences. “Boys as a group experience implicit biases against them,” Chris says.

He also believes that boys’ socialization leads many of them to devalue school and education. “a lot of that comes from messages they get about how they should be as guys, and what society tells them is appropriate versus not appropriate behavior,” he says. Boys’ beliefs about masculinity can exacerbate their issues with school.

What the Task Force is Doing – & What You Can Do

The task force has created (and is disseminating) a variety of fact sheets:

• Exploring Boys’ (Mis)Behavior
• Learning Disabilities
• High Achieving Boys

Parents and others concerned about boys can also vote for school board members and legislators who care about boys’ issues and education. We can also communicate the importance of education to our boys.Schools and teachers must also create safe, welcoming spaces for boys. 

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Chris discuss:

• Chris’ experience as a boy in school
• Parenting “underperforming” boys
• What teachers (don’t) learn about boys
• Implicit bias against boys
• How race and gender affect boys’ schooling
• How parents and educators can help boys in school

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

www.division51.net/taskforce-on-boys-in-school — Task Force website

chrisreigeluth.com — Chris’ website

The Gender Equation in Schools — ON BOYS episode

How Microschools & Black Moms May End the School to Prison Pipeline — ON BOYS episode

Forest Schools Get Boys Learning Naturally — ON BOYS episode

Homeschool Hacks & How to Homeschool Boys –– ON BOYS episode

Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers — ON BOYS episode

How to Raise a Boy with Michael C. Reichert — ON BOYS episode

The Masculinity Workbook for Teens: Discover What Being a Guy Means to You — workbook by Chris

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The New Masculinity: A Roadmap for a 21st Century Definition of Manhood, by Alex Manley, can help boys create their own unique definition of what it means to be a man.

With a last name like Manley, it was impossible for Alex to ignore the societal pressures for boys and men to behave in certain ways. But Manley also noticed that “lots of men struggle with masculinity, with trying to live up to an ideal or standard that doesn’t match their lived experience,” they say.

Boys and men, Manley says, are caught between traditional definitions and understandings of masculinity, and a future definition that hasn’t been fully defined.

Creating a New Masculinity

Traditional masculinity is often passed down via a series of “don’ts”: Don’t cry. Don’t walk away from a fight. Don’t break the “bro code” Don’t get friend zoned. Manley wants boys and men to think about how these limitations may be negatively affecting their well-being. Societal expectations that traditionally limit friendships between males and females, and place social responsibility on females’ shoulders, are one reason why so many boys & men are lonely today. And because interpersonal connections are deeply important to human well-being and health, these socially imposed limitations directly contribute to males’ shorter, less healthy lifespans.

Creating a new masculinity makes room for boys and men to reclaim their full humanity and live happier, longer, healthier lives.

Of course, it’s not easy to challenge (or change) social and cultural expectations. But “the cost of not doing this is a lot more than the cost of doing this,” Manley says. “The long-term benefits of taking action vastly outweigh the short-term negatives.”

It’s time, Manley says, for “a masculinity that is not so brittle.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Alex discuss:

• Changing definitions of masculinity
• Why boys & men need female friends
• Helping boys expand the “man box”
• Bro culture
• How to support boys
• What boys learn about pain, injury, health, & self-care
• Being a decent human vs. being a “good man” (Alex says, “Being a good man and a good human don’t have to be vastly different concepts.”)

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

alexmanley.com — Alex’s website

The New Masculinity. A Roadmap for a 21st Century Definition of Manhood, by Alex Manley

A Silent Crisis in Men’s Health Gets Worse — Washington Post article mentioned

The Fragile Beauty of Male Friendship — Substack post by Richard V. Reeves

Dads, Boys, & Masculinity — ON BOYS episode

Sports & Masculinity — ON BOYS episode

Junior Seau, Sports Illustrated, & Playing Thru Pain — classic Building Boys post

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sponsor Spotlight: FITAID

Clean Energy + Sports Recovery. Go to drinkfitaid.com/ONBOYS and get 40% off

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Fostering Connection: Building Social and Emotional Health in Children and Teens is the latest book by Dr. Tish Taylor, a child psychologist with more than 25 years of experience.

Fostering connection is also key to boys’ social, emotional, and overall well-being. But how do we teach our boys to connect? How can we best connect with them?

Through her work, Dr. Tish noticed certain patterns of behavior in kids, teens, and adults. She dubbed some of these patterns Connectors and others, Disconnectors. The Helpful Coach Connector, for instance, sees smarter and more effective ways to handle a situation and is willing to call a time-out to ponder options.

In contrast, the Insulator, a Disconnector, doesn’t want help or constructive criticism.The Insulator is emotionally overwhelmed and wants other to go away!

“I tried to simplify things and make it more concrete,” Dr. Tish says, nothing that, “You can see all of these behaviors and patterns in anyone.” Some of the disconnecting behaviors, though, are perhaps more frequently seen in people with ADHD or oppositional defiant disorder (ODD).

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dr. Tish discuss:

• Connecting vs. disconnecting behaviors
• Adults as behavior role models
• Managing feelings of failure and inadequacy
• Disconnecting behaviors common to ADHD and ODD
• What to do when kids don’t want to apologize
• Interacting with a kid who’s in “fight” mode
• Fostering flexible thinking
• Screentime
• Dealing w a morning “grumpmeister”
• Managing your reactions to your boys’ modds

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

tishtaylor.com — Dr. Tish’s website (includes Connectors & Disconnector cards & images)

Fostering Connection: Building Social and Emotional Health in Children and Teens, by Dr. Tish Taylor

Parenting “Spicy” Boys — ON BOYS episode

Teaching Boys Social Skills — ON BOYS episode w ADHD Dude Ryan Wexelblatt

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sponsor Spotlight: FITAID

Clean Energy + Sports Recovery. Go to drinkfitaid.com/ONBOYS and get 40% off

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

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Empowering boys and dyslexic learners could positively change so many lives.

Jason Kantor, a New York-based homeschool tutor who frequently works with boys and dyslexic learners, believes it’s important to identify kids’ strengths and build them up, so they develop true confidence in themselves and their ability. Especially because so many boys and people with dyslexia attend schools that focus on their flaws and shortcomings, rather than their strengths.

“A dyslexic who goes to the public school system can feel tormented because they feel dumb,” Kantor says. “They’re sitting there in class and can’t read and think I’m not catching up with my peers, I’m struggling, everyone thinks I’m lazy and unmotivated.” Eventually, these thoughts and feelings leach motivation, and kids lose confidence in their ability.

“You can throw the best reading tips and tools at kids, and have the best teachers, but if kids don’t believe in themselves, they’re not going to learn to read,” Kantor says. To effectively help “failing” or “unmotivated” learners, he said, you must first believe in them – and show them that you believe they can do great things.

Nurture Kids’ Interests to Help Them Learn

“Most kids don’t care about school, so when they fail, they’re like, whatever,” Jason says. But when kids are given the opportunity to do things that matter to them and fall short of their goals, they tend to keep trying.

“It’s easier for kids to swallow failure and bounce back when it’s something they want to get better at,” he says. So, when he works with kids, one of the first things he tries to determine is what they’re interested in and passionate about.

Jason encouraged one boy, age 15, to start a pizza business. The boy loved to cook, so Jason encouraged him to “take it to the next level.” He’s since developed a recipe, contacted multiple farmers’ markets, and has 11 scheduled bookings.

Encouraging and empowering boys and dyslexic learners allows them to develop resilience and confidence.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jason discuss:

• Believing in boys
• Symptoms of dyslexia
• Confidence and exploration for dyslexics
• Intrinsic motivation & relationships
• Belief and ambition
• Building self-belief through encouragement

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

@coachjasonkantor — Jason’s Instgram

@thejasonkantor – Jason on Twitter

Supporting Boys’ Interests — ON BOYS episode

Novel Education for Boys — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: FITAID

Clean Energy + Sports Recovery. Go to drinkfitaid.com/ONBOYS and get 40% off

 

 Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males is Jen’s second book. Janet says it contains “wise words from a mom who has successfully raised four boys,” “wise words from an author who knows how to weave personal stories with scientific research,” and “wise words from the many experts she’s interviewed” — including many here ON BOYS!

The book has been years in the making — years of parenting, learning, pitching, and writing. And it’s applicable to all kinds of families: those raising little boys as well as those raising teens; those raising neurodiverse boys; two-parent families, single-parent families, and more. It’s built around 10 broad guidelines that parents can use to guide their parenting choices & daily interactions:

1. Learn the terrain
2. Emphasize emotional intelligence
3. Discuss & demonstrated healthy relationships
4. Let him struggle
5. Help him find & develop his talents
6. Give him time
7. Challenge him with chores & caregiving
8. Keep him close
9. Connect him to the real world
10. Accept him as he is

“I can’t tell you the specific of what to do when your 7-year-old is poking his 4-year-old brother, but I can give you some really good guidelines that you can use to figure out what you want to do next,” Jen says. “What I tried to do in this book is share some of the things that I learned the hard way.”

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

• How parenting boys influenced Building Boys
• What Jen’s boys think about the book
• Which chapter Jen wrote first
• Janet’s favorite “rule”
• The pace of male development
• Sibling relationships
• Male friendship
• Facilitating boys’ interests
• The power of connection
• How bias & racism affect boys
• How self-doubt hurts parents of boys (& their sons)

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males, by Jennifer L.W. Fink

Building Boys Bulletin — Jen’s newsletter

The First-Time Mom’s Guide to Raising Boys — Jen’s first book

Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys’ Bickering – Building Boys blog post

How to Raise a Boy with Michael C. Reichert — ON BOYS episode mentioned during this one

More Wisdom from Teacher Tom — ON BOYS episode mentioned during this one

Caste: The Origins of Our Discontents, by Isabel Wilkerson

How to Build Your Village – ON BOYS episode mentioned during this one

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Sponsor Spotlight: FITAID

Clean Energy + Sports Recovery. Go to drinkfitaid.com/ONBOYS and get 40% off

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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You can build your village, says Florence Ann Romano.

Most of us have heard that “it takes a village” to help children and adults thrive. We also want to know where $%@ the village went! Parenting today — often, far from extended family — can be an isolating experience.

You don’t have to do it all alone, though. In her new book Build Your Village: Guide to Finding Joy and Community in Every Stage of Life, Romano, a childcare advocate and former nanny, shows parents how to create and nurture community.

Your Village Should Be Unique

“Trying to replicate other people’s villages is where we get into a little bit of trouble,” Romano says. We can feel inferior and depleted when we compare our “village” — our support system — to others. But we all have unique needs, skills, and talents, so our villages should look different.

“Every family has their own ethos and values,” Romano says.

You need to be vulnerable and honest when you begin building (or shoring up) your village. That part can be uncomfortable; it’s hard to admit — even to ourselves — what we need and might be missing. But “asking for help is absolutely imperative,” Romano says.

Taking time to identify your passions and personal interests can also help you populate your village. Why not join a local MeetUp group, or volunteer at, say, your local humane society? Interacting with people who share common interests and goals increases the likelihood that you’ll connect with others who “get” you. And that’s a big part of any village.

“No matter how old you are, you want to be seen, heard, and understood,” Romano says.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Florence discuss:

• What 15 years of nannying taught Florence Ann about boys
• How the COVID-19 pandemic affected about ability to build village
• The 6 villagers you need in your village
• Helping your boys build their village
• How nurturing your friendships can help your boys build a healthy village
• How helping others can help you build your village
• How males build a village

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Build Your Village: A Guide to Finding Joy and Community in Every Stage of Life, by Florence Ann Romano

How to Have a Kid and a Life — ON BOYS podcast

Sponsor Spotlight: FITAID

Clean Energy + Sports Recovery. Go to drinkfitaid.com/ONBOYS and get 40% off

 

Sponsor Spotlight: Stokke

Use promo code RegisterWithStokke at checkout for a FREE highchair pad

Sponsor Spotlight: RightStart Mathematics

RightStart Math Card Games kit makes math fun! Use coupon code OB23RSMPC at RightStartMath.com to get 10% off

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Sponsor Spotlight: Green Chef

Healthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!

3 Green Chef meal kits

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Jonathon Reed has a lot of experience talking to tween & teen boys. 

As a program manager with NextGenMen, a Canadian organization dedicated to changing how the world sees, acts and thinks about masculinity, Reed frequently works with boys in grades 6-8. He says that while boys today are more comfortable wearing pink than they were a generation or so ago, they still face pressure to think and act in certain ways.

“There’s a lot of ‘boys don’t cry,'” Reed says. “There’s still pressure to get girls or be in a relationship.”

Gender Narratives Are Shifting 

Societal expectations of boys & men are shifting. Consider Iron Man, the superhero. Traditionally, male superheros are supposed to super strong and invulnerable. Iron Man, of course, is strong, but in the Avengers movies, he’s shown as struggling with some anxiety and PTSD symptoms due to the “scary stuff he had experienced while defending New York City,” Reed says.

These shifting narratives are part of why it’s so important for adults to listen to boys. Our interpretation and understanding of situations and interactions doesn’t necessarily reflect boys’ complex experiences, and neither does our language or approach.

“We’ve got to look to them as the leaders in this conversation,” Reed says.

School Stress Affects Many Boys

Tween and teen boys may seem like they don’t care about school, but many are struggling with academic stress and school-related pressure.

“The stress related to academics still looms really large in the lives of young people,” Reed says. We can help boys by reassuring them and reminding them, over and over, that grades and school performance are not a mark of a person’s worth.

All boys need validation — perhaps, especially, the boys who are in “the middle of the pack” and aren’t getting accolades for academic or athletic performance. Let go of your preconceived expectations, and look for things to value and affirm in the boys you love and work with.

Remember, too, that boys won’t necessarily tell you about their problems. “If boys are struggling, often they’re struggling in silence,” Reed says. “There’s still a stigma against asking for help, particularly when it also means admitting a weakness or a vulnerability.”

Approach Conversations with Curiosity

Teenage boys (and all humans) tend to shut down and stop listening to people who don’t seem to be listening. By adolescence, most boys know that the world isn’t simply black or white; they’re ready to explore the grey. You’ll have better luck discussing difficult subject if you approach conversations with curiosity, Reed says.

“Curiosity lays the possibility for an impactful conversation,” he says. Then, listen. Don’t dismiss what boys are telling you; dwell on the awkwardness they share and express.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jonathon discuss:

• Gender expectations for boys
• Learning from boys
• What boys talk about
• Why it’s hard for boys to ask for help
• Using boys interests to talk about deeper topics
• Talking to tween & teen about Andrew Tate
• Discussing consent
• How building up boys’ confidence increases their ability to resist peer pressure & handle rejection
• Helping boys recognize & respect their boundaries
• Boy culture

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

NextGenMen website

Raising Next Gen Men — ON BOYS episode

Breaking the Boy Code — ON BOYS episode

Teen Boys Emotional Lives — ON BOYS episode

Creating Consent Culture: A Handbook for Educators, by Marcia Baczynski and Erica Scott

Boys & Sex with Peggy Orenstein — ON BOYS episode

NextGenMen’s Future of Masculinity summit — FREE event Apr. 21 & Apr. 28,2023

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When Michael Gurian published The Wonder of Boys in 1996, there "wasn't any national consciousness about boys' issues," he says.

A quarter century later, there are dozens of books about boys, and parents, educators, and politicians alike are realizing that we must address boys' issues if we are to address the current epidemic of violence. Yet despite this progress, "we are still talking about ancillary concepts as to why these boys kill people rather than getting to the root causes of what's going on," Gurian says. We also "still don't systemically understand boys or how to raise them."

What Parents Need to Know About Male Depression

Male depression, for instance, is often unrecognized (and untreated) because it is covert. A boy who immerses himself in video games, does just enough school work to get by, or uses drugs or alcohol may actually be depressed. As many as 10-20% of males may be experiencing unrecognized depression, and these males are having an outsized impact on our culture and lives, Gurian says.

Parents, healthcare providers, and counselors need to learn about male development -- and they need to learn how to recognize and respond to the signs of male depression, which may include anger, irritability, withdrawal, and substance use. Parents and educators must also partner together to figure out how to help boys succeed in school.

How Parents Can Partner with Schools to Help Boys Succeed

"Parents and schools need to get really well connected around a specific question: How do we make sure the boys can succeed as well as the girls?" Gurian says.

He suggests parents of boys connect with other parents of boys (from at least 3 other families) to create teams to share info, gather data, and approach school administration, expressing their concern and willingness to help address gender disparities in academics and discipline referrals.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michael discuss:

• Progress we've made -- and not made -- regarding boys' issues over the last 2+ decades
• What the Left and Right get wrong about boys & men
• Why you may want to consider going organic
• Male depression
• The need to train healthcare providers & counselors in male development
• Importance of fathers and male mentoring
• Advocating for boys at school
• How tech affects boys' brains
• Boys & violence
• Male bonding
• "Toxic masculinity"

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Keeping boys safe is a top-of-mind concern for parents. For good reason. 

Injury is the leading cause of death for people ages 1-44 – especially for children.For kids ages 1-14 in the U.S., injuries cause more deaths than the next 10 leading causes of death combined.

And guess what? 

At every age, males are more likely than females to die of injury – largely because they’re more likely to experience injury (& more likely to experience serious injury).

Choosing Safety Doesn’t Mean Avoiding Risk

“It’s fine to have fun. It’s fine to push the limits sometimes,” says David Schwebel, a psychologist & director of the Youth Safety Lab at the University of Alabama, as well as the author of Raising Kids Who Choose Safety. Taking risks is a necessary, healthy part of life, so we can help kids stay safe(r) by teaching them to assess and manage risk.

“The only way children can grow is by trying new things,” David says. You can facilitate their growth and protect their safety by acting as a coach and spotter. When your young child is taking physical risks, stay close, so you can intervene if necessary.

The TAMS Method for Child Accident Protection

Children, even very young ones, can learn safety, David says. He recommends the TAMS method:

Teach: “We teach our children basic skills,” he says, such as “feet first” when going down stairs or getting off the couch. T also includes more complex skills such as crossing the street or safely riding a bike.

Act: “This is the parents’ actions,” David says, and can be divided into 2 Ss: Supervise and Safeguard, which includes things like covering electrical outlets, securing furniture to the walls or floor, and locking up guns, alcohol, and opioid medication.

Model: “We model safety for our kids,” David says. It’s pretty unrealistic to expect kids to wear seatbelts or bike helmet if you don’t. Similarly, if you text and drive, your teen is more likely to as well.

Shape: “Shaping is literally like molding a piece of clay,” David says. “Our children are growing and we are shaping and influencing them.” Rules are a crucial part of safety: we use them to outline our expectations and boundaries. Consistent safety rules are important.

“The goal is parenting is to teach our children, not to avoid risks, but how to do things safely,” David says.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & David discuss:

• Why boys are especially prone to injuries and accidents
• Balancing risk & safety
• Creating a safer home
• Discussing your safety rules w childcare providers and other family members
• The effect of peers on boys’ safety
• Using media to discuss risk & safety

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Raising Kids Who Choose Safety: The TAMS Method for Child Accident Protection — David’s book

UAB Youth Safety Lab

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If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, you can call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for help in the United States. Call 988 or 800-273-TALK (8255). The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is open 24 hours a day, every day. Services are also available en espanol.

Suicidal thoughts are common.

In the U.S. alone, each year, more than 15 millions adults & teens struggle with serious thoughts of suicide. Knowing how to respond to suicidal thoughts is a crucial skill for all parents & educators. 

One of the best, most effective things you can do to reduce suicide risk to directly ask those you’re concerned about if they’re having suicidal thoughts. That, of course, is easier said than done. It’s scary to ask about suicide, and scary to admit thoughts of suicide. To make it easier, you can say something like, “A lot of people have suicidal thoughts sometimes. Do you ever have thoughts like that?”

“We don’t want to normalize suicide, but we can normalize thinking about suicide,” says Stacey Freedenthal, a licensed psychotherapist and author of Loving Someone with Suicidal Thoughts: What Family, Friends, and Partners Can Say & Do. 

Some people say “no” when the answer is really yes. So it’s a good idea to follow up with, “If you were having thoughts of suicide in the future, do you think you’d tell me?” Listen calmly and bravely, and keep the conversation going if you can.

“Be curious, not judgmental,” Freedenthal says.

Why Calling 911 or Heading to ER May Not Be a Good Idea

If someone is not in immediate, acute danger — think firearm in hand or pills ingested — don’t call 911 or head to the hospital. Instead, talk. And listen. Empathetic statements like, “that sounds so hard” are far more useful than comments such as, “What are you talking about? You have a great life!”

Emergency help can actually be counterproductive. It may lead to long waits and little help. And the affected individual may become angry and less likely to trust you with suicidal thoughts in the future. So, if the situation is not acutely dangerous, call 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, instead. It’s available 24/7 and trained responders can answer your questions, help you establish a safety plan, and connect you with local resources.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Stacey discuss:

• How to know if someone has suicidal thoughts
• Stereotypes and misconceptions about suicide
• Reasons teenagers don’t tell their parents about suicidal thoughts
• Brave listening
• What to do when your son says, “I’m going to kill myself” or “I want to die”
• Sextortion
• When to call 911 — and when not to
• Why you should lock up guns & meds
• Self-care
• Fostering hope

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Loving Someone with Suicidal Thoughts: What Family, Friends, and Partners Can Say & Do, by Stacey Freedenthal — every home & school needs a copy of this book

staceyfreedenthal.com — Stacey’s personal page

speakingofsuicide.com — Stacy’s web page, packed with tons of free resources

What You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide — ON BOYS episode

Suicide Rates are Rising — Here’s What Parents Can Do — Your Teen magazine article by Jen

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Kids “haven’t changed at all” during the 20+ years Teacher Tom has been working with young children, he says.

Parents have, though. And so has society. There’s an increased concern for safety and academic performance, and a lot of anxiety about kids’ futures. “I think there’s more fear, and more fear of their children falling behind,” Tom says.

Adult stress and anxiety appears to be trickling down to even the youngest children, as today’s preschoolers are more anxious and stressed than previous generations. But kids’ needs remain the same.

“Kids still need freedom to play, to follow their own curiosity,to ask and answer questions,and to learn how to get along with other people,” Tom says.

“Parenting” is Relatively New

Before the early 1960s, the word “parenting” was rarely used, especially in scholarly articles, literature, or books. The word parent denoted a relationship between people; today, parent is often used a verb. “Parenting” is something we do to other people — and we can judge the quality of parenting, we think, by its outcome.

But that’s not how relationships work. Our children are individual humans. We can’t control them; we can cultivate their growth by creating (and maintaining) nurturing environments for them.

Nurturing Kids’ Mental Health

The first five years of a child’s life “shouldn’t be about learning your phoncis. They shouldn’t be about how to do math. They should be about how to live with these complicated things called emotions,” Tom says.

Children also need time and space to navigate emotions and social interactions. But “too often, we step in too soon,” Tom says. When adults hear bickering, arguing, or tears, they frequently step in and problem solve for the kids — which can adversely affect child development.

“We rob them of the chance to learn that basic skill of self-goverance and self-control,” Tom says. Give the kids time. Left to their own devices, kids often come up with innovative solutions.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Tom discuss:

• Play-based learning
• Creating space & making time for kids’ learning
• How adults unintentionally interfere with kids’ emotional development
• The emotional arc
• Exploring gender
• Social learning

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Teacher Tom — Tom’s blog

Teacher Tom’s World — includes links to Teacher Tom’s courses, books, & speaking events

Teacher Tom’s Facebook page

Teacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play — ON BOYS episode

The Gardener & the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents & Children, by Alison Gopnik — book mentioned by Teacher Tom

The Link Between Freedom & Video Games — BuildingBoys post

Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys’ Bickering — BuildingBoys post

Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind, by Yuval Harari — book mentioned by Teacher Tom

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Parental accommodation can limit the skill development of kids with (and without) ADHD. 

Many boys with ADHD or other executive function challenges struggle despite diagnosis, treatment, and well-intended help — in part because they and their family have received less-than-stellar advice and support. And because loving families often unwittingly accommodate (and reinforce) undesirable behavior.

“Most families of children with ADHD are unintentionally misled when they receive a diagnosis,” says Ryan Wexelblatt, aka ADHD Dude. “They’re not provided with comprehensive information about what ADHD is, and they’re also directed to treatments with are not recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics.”

Parenting training is recommended as a first step for kids ages 6 and younger — and parent training should be delivered in conjunction with medication management and, if necessary, school support for kids older than age 6. Parent/child interactions are foundational to helping a child develop executive functioning skills.

Parental Accommodation Cycle

Unfortunately, parents sometimes unintentionally reinforce the inflexibility and anxiety that’s common in kids with ADHD and executive function challenges.

“Parental accommodation is when parents change their behavior to alleviate or avoid their child’s temporary distress,” Ryan says. It’s often done out of love — and fear. Doing so may avoid some conflict, but it allows unhelpful behaviors to continue.

Although sparing your child pain and discomfort may seem like a kind, compassionate thing to do, you may be robbing your child of the opportunity to develop self-confidence and resilience. In fact, there’s a relationship between parental accommodation and “failure to launch,” which occurs when young people do not take on adult roles or increasing responsibility.

But over-protection and accommodation have almost become societal norms.It’s difficult to push back against cultural pressure and parent differently than others. Many of us are also afraid of harming our kids.

“There’s so much fear, from parents, that they’re going to somehow damage their child by putting expectations on them or requiring them to persevere through temporary discomfort,” Ryan says. “Children are not fragile. But when you treat them as if they are fragile, they receive the message that they are fragile.”

Breaking the Parental Accommodation Cycle

You can break this unhelpful cycle by asking yourself, What am I doing for my child that they could be doing alone? Your child might not yet have the skills to do the task independently, but when you identify what they could be doing, you can begin teaching them the necessary skills and gradually release responsibility.

Don’t get sucked into the “negotiation vortex.” Don’t give an audience to negative behavior or maltreatment Reinforce (and praise) positive behaviors. And enlist supportive individuals who can help you and your child.

Things may be rough when you first stop accommodating your child. But eventually, home life (and your relationship)will become more peaceful. Your child will also be more capable — and confident.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Ryan discuss:

• Common misunderstandings about ADHD and executive function
• Recommended, evidence-based treatments for ADHD
• Parental accommodation
• Accommodation vs. support
• Young adults’ “failure to launch”
• Scaffolding new skills
• Breaking the parental accommodation cycle
• Learning to tolerate your child’s temporary discomfort
• Enlisting to support to develop your child’s skills
• Constructive vs. destructive shame

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

ADHD Dude — the online home of Ryan’s ADHD work

ADHD Dude YouTube channel

ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude — ON BOYS episode

Teaching Boys Social Skills –– our first ON BOYS episode w Ryan!

It’s a Confusing Time to Be a Boy — another ON BOYS episode featuring Ryan

Constant Chaos Parenting with ADHD — ON BOYS episode

Helping Boys with Executive Function Challenges –– ON BOYS episode

Nurtured Heart Institute — learn more about the Nurtured Heart approach mentioned by Ryan

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Whole child sports emphasizes wholesome, safe, and developmentally appropriate athletic experiences for kids. It is the antithesis of the toxic, highly competitive youth sports culture that’s unfortunately become the norm here in the United States.

Scott Lancaster, a sports performance coach who worked with the NFL; Luis Fernando Llosa, an investigative reporter who’s worked with Sports Illustrated; and Kim John Payne, founder of Simplicity Parenting, started Whole Child Sports in 2011 to offer parents and coaches guidance, tips, and tools to help raise and develop happier, healthier, more well-rounded athletes who will sustain a lifetime passion for active play and fitness. The three men — all fathers — were distressed by what they saw happening in youth sports: an increased focus on competition (even at young ages), developmentally inappropriate expectations for children, and young athletes who burned out before graduating high school.

At their worst, youth sports can be fatal.

A Healthy Approach to Youth Sports

In current youth sport culture, the emphasis is on winning, rather than the development of the athlete and team. That focus tends to overlook mental health and individual variations and is damaging to kids and society.

“Command-oriented coaching” — the common approach to youth sports — “kills flexibility and self-development and retards creativity and the development of resilience,” Lancaster says. “Ultimately, one of the worst things you can do to a kid developmentally is force them to play a sport like an adult professional athlete does.”

A much better, safer, healthier approach to sport is one that allows children to gradually develop skills through play. 

“Don’t funnel your kid into organized sport at an early age,” Llosa says. “It will curtail their creativity, damage their potential resilience, hamper them in developing social skills, and perhaps create entitlement monsters.”

It’s not easy to push back against the dominant sports culture, but doing so can preserve your child’s physical and mental health — and, ultimately, his athletic ability. You can start at home, or at local park.

“You are your child’s first coach,” Lancaster says. “You’re the steward of your child’s athletic development and you’re responsible for choosing the appropriate coach, one who is dedicated to helping kids grow and learn.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, Luis Fernando, & Scott discuss:

• Role of sports in boys’ lives
• Harms of current youth sports culture
• Choosing the right sport for your child
• How sports can help boys develop empathy
• What actions sports gets right (and team sports often get wrong)
• Value of multiple sports vs. sports specialization
• Developmentally appropriate sports education

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

WholeChildSports.com – includes a Parent/Coach Toolkit with lots of great free resources (such as Choosing a Coach: A Parent’s Checklist)

Beyond Winning: Smart Parenting in a Toxic Sports Environment, by Kim John Payne, Luis Fernando Llosa, & Scott Lancaster

Simplicity Parenting with Kim John Payne — ON BOYS episode

Linda Flanagan: Youth Sports are Out of Control — ON BOYS episode

Healthy Sports Parenting — ON BOYS episode

Sins of the Father — Sports Illustrated story by Llosa

Emotionally Resilient Tweens & Teens: Empowering Your Kids to Navigate Bullying, Teasing, and Social Exclusion, by Kim John Payne & Luis Fernando Llosa

Sponsor Spotlight: Green Chef

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Lads need dads, says Sonia Shaljean, director of the UK-based organization Lads Need Dads, one of the only projects in the country working to proactively address the impact of the absent father on boys aged 11-15.

Many boys with absent or uninvolved fathers, of course, turn out perfectly okay. But many don’t. Sonia pivoted to this work after noticing, through a long career in criminal justice, domestic abuse, anger management, and homelessness, that males who didn’t grow up with involved fathers (or father figures) are over-represented in each of those areas. Lads Need Dads was created to support young men (and their mothers) “who, through no fault of their own” are experiencing fatherlessness, she says.

The success of their program proves that deliberately and intentionally meeting the needs of boys improves outcomes. Boys develop a sense of confidence and competence. Their relationships with their mothers (and others) improve. They contribute to the community.

Emphasizing the Importance of Dads

“Getting people to recognize that this is a need — that boys can be impacted very negatively without a positive father figure,” is a tough message to sell in a society that’s focused on women’s empowerment and glosses over the need for men, Sonia says. “The thinking is that, ‘we don’t need a man to provide for us anymore.”

But dads’ value to their families — to society — goes far beyond economic provision. Boys need male influence in their lives, particularly during the adolescent years. Even if they have an involved, dedicated mom (or moms).

Advocating for Boys & Men

Despite the fact that boys & men tend to do significantly worse in schools and life than girls and women, there are few organizations focused on boys’ and men’s issues.

“There’s an apathy when it comes to men’s issues,” Sonia says. That needs to change. “Boys need to be supported and seen as the vulnerable gender that they actually are because we are currently failing them badly. If we want our boys to treat other people better, they need to know that they’re valued. We need to treat them better. They need to feel cared for and loved for who they are, not just because they’re going to come into contact with girls and therefore they should be better behaved. Let’s help our young men for the sake of themselves – not just because of how they may impact females.”

In this episode, Janet, & Sonia discuss:

• How fatherlessness affects boys
• Helps moms accept boys’ need to experience risk
• The importance of male connection and mentorship for boys
• Protective factors that can help boys thrive despite father absence
• The Men & Boys Coalition
• Increasing boys’ emotional intelligence
• 
  

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

LadsNeedDads.org

Tips for Single Moms Raising Boys — BuildingBoys post

Here’s How to Motivate Teenage Boys: Encourage Risk-Taking — Your Teen article by Jen

Men & Boys Coalition

Dads Matter (w Marion Hill) — ON BOYS episode

Dads, Boys, & Masculinity — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Green Chef

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Sponsor Spotlight: Mommy Makeup

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Need help with your boys?

Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin

Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

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Teen boys mystify (and frustrate) their parents. Especially their moms.

But there’s a lot going on behind and beneath that sometimes stony exterior. Teen boys are not devoid of emotions; in fact, they devote a lot of time and attention to managing and controlling their emotions. They may not show their emotions as freely as they did when they were younger, but, sadly, that’s often because they’ve learned their emotions aren’t welcome.

According to Brendan Kwiatkowski, PhD, a researcher who studies boys’ emotions, experiences, and masculinities, the #1 reason why teen boys restrict emotion (& emotional expression) is because “they don’t want to burden other people.”

The #2 reason is “fear of judgment.”

Why Teen Boys Retrict Emotion

Teen boys “assume most people don’t want to hear about their negative emotions,” Brendan says.

Stress and trauma can also affect boys’ ability to process and express emotion.

Teenage boys’ refusal (or inability) to express their emotions is usually “not selfish,” Brendan says, but rather, an “act of care.”

Helping Boys Express Emotion

A boy’s ability to express emotion is affected, in part, by his parents’ ability to tolerate his distress.

If he knows that his anger, sadness, or frustration upsets your equilibrium, he’s more likely to stifle his emotion. If he knows that you’ll respond with calm compassion, he’s more likely to open up and honeslty share his feelings and experiences.

Don’t fret, though, if you don’t always respond calmly or compassionately. According to Dr. Becky, clincical psychologist & founder of Good Inside, parents can miss the mark 70% of the time and still raise great, well-adjusted children, especially if they apologize and make things right when they’ve gone off the rails.

Getting Teen Boys to Talk

According to Brendan’s research, teenage boys are most comfortable opening up to women — typically, their girlfriends or moms — because they believe that females are good listeners and less likely to judge them.

Modeling authenticity and vulnerabilty also helps boys (and all humans) open up.

“I never would expect a teenage boy to be honest with me if I’m not demonstrating that myself,” Brendan says. “Being a boy or man is full of contradictions and tensions, and acknowledging those is such as important way to help the dialogue.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Brendan discuss:

• Teen boys’ emotion
• Factors that affect boys’ emotional expression
• Helping boys open up
• Emotional safe havens
• Normalizing emotions
• Helping boys understand anger
• Holding boys responsible
• What teen boys think about Andrew Tate
• Talking about controversial topics

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

remasculine.com — Brendan’s website

Re: Masculine — Brenda’s album about masculinity

Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Matter More Than Peers, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate — book recommended by Brendan

What You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide (w Katey McPherson) — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Green Chef

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Sponsor Spotlight: Mommy Makeup

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Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy 

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Damon Brown is a journalist, author, entrepreneur, and primary caregiver for his two young sons, ages 6 and 9. But from his earliest days of parenting, people assumed he was simply “helping” his wife. 

“I’d put on the Baby Bjorn and walk to the grocery story and hear ‘Oh, is it Daddy day?’ or ‘Are you taking over for Mom while she’s resting?'” Damon says. “And there’s a whole ‘nother layer to to it being African-American.” (Including backhanded compliments about “sticking around” to raise his children.)

Modeling Emotional Honesty

Damon describes himself as an emotionally honest person; he’ll tell you when he’s overwhelmed, upset, or happy. As a dad, he now realizes that emotional honesty is “one of the biggest gifts that I’m giving my boys.” Simultaneously, he reminds us that we must learn to accept emotional honesty from males.

How a Tech-Savvy Dad (who wrote for Playboy) Talks about Screen Time & Sex

Damon brings some advantages to parenting boys: Unlike many modern parents, he’s tech- and culture-savvy. In 2008, he wrote Porn & Pong: How Grand Theft Auto, Tomb Raider, & Other Sexy Games Changed Our Culture, a book that examined the impact of video games and porn on popular culture. He even co-founded an intimacy app, Cuddlr (way back in 2014!).

Damon says he’s handling his sons’ exposure to technology “very carefully.” He knows, from personal experience, that simply setting borders and boundaries isn’t effective. “It’s not just a matter of saying, ‘don’t do this,'” Damon says. “It’s more, ‘If you’re going to tread in these territories, these are the mile makers and this is the compass.'”

He talks to his boys about intimacy and boundaries — not only “this is what a boundary is” and “respect the boundaries of other people,” but also “respect the boundaries of yourself.” Boys too rarely hear that last part; they need to know that it’s okay to not want sexual or intimate contact (and that they have the right and responsibility to say no. Too often, people who are raising boys forget to emphasize that point.

Helping Boys Understand Independence

Boys (and men) today still feel a lot of pressure to be independent. At age 9, Damon’s oldest son has already unconsciously internalized the idea that guys should be self-reliant — so when he got stuck on his homework, he simply stopped doing it.

Damon corrected his son’s mis-interpretation of indepence. “Independence,” he told the boy, “is getting the support you need to create the life that you want.”

In the moment, the child was unimpressed. But Damon knows his son will eventually need to ask for help, so he’s talking about independence and help-seeking now. Raising boys is a long game.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Damon discuss:

• How our family experiences affect our parenting
• Cultural & societal expectations of dads
• Emotional honesty
• Generational growth
• Screentime, technology, & intimacy
• Teaching boys about boundaries, consent, intimacy, & independence
• 
  

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

damonbrown.net — Damon’s website

Porn & Pong: How Grand Theft Auto, Tomb Raider, & Other Sexy Games Changed Our Culture, by Damon Brown

Dads Need Therapy; Black Dads Aren’t Getting It — Yahoo article by Damon

Why You Should Strive for Good Enough — one of Damon’s TED talks

#BringYourWorth — Damon’s YouTube TV show

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