Neurodiverse kids need comprehensive sex education too.

“It’s a fundamental human right to have this information – & so important to their health & safety,” says Amy Lang, creator of Birds + Bees + Kids, a fantastic resource for parents, childcare providers and educators.

Myths About Neurodiversity & Sexuality

Many people (including well-meaning parents) believe one (or more) myths about neurodiversity & sexuality, Amy says. Common myths include:

1. Neurodiverse people are either asexual or hypersexual. So, parents and educators may gloss over (or skip) essential education. “There’s this myth that neurodiverse kids don’t need this information, that it’s not going to be relevant to them,” Amy says. But that’s not at all true. All humans have a relationship with sexuality. All humans need to know how bodies work. And all humans need to know how to be in healthy, loving relationships.
2. Neurodiverse people are “innocent” – & so won’t get in any “trouble.” The truth is that neurodiverse people are at high risk of sexual abuse. They may also unintentionally sexually offend or abuse others if they are not properly educated.

“Sexuality is a huge part of life,” Amy says. Ignoring this aspect of life increases the likelihood for harm — and decrease the chances of your child experiencing safe, fulfilling relationships. Knowledge empowers kids so they can live full lives.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Porn Talk Dynamic Duo! A live talk with tons of Q&A! The Porn Talk Info Kit (which has everything you need to talk with your boy like a pro) is included. Sign up here. https://buytickets.at/amylang/1055353

Sex Talks with Tweens: What to Say & How to Say It It’s all scripts so you don’t have to figure out what to say! Woot!

BirdsAndBeesAndKids.com — Amy’s website

Just Say This – Amy’s advice-column style podcast

Books for developmentally different kids are here.

Talk to Boys about Sex (w Amy Lang) – ON BOYS episode

Amy Lang on How to Keep Boys Safe Online — ON BOYS episode

ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude — ON BOYS episode

Differently Wired Boys & TiLT Parenting (w Debbie Reber) — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

Use code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

 

 

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Health education varies greatly from place to place.

Some boys receive great, age-appropriate, inclusive health education at school. Others do not. “It’s pretty inconsistent,” says Christopher Pepper, a health educator who currently teaches in the San Francisco Unified School District & is working on a book called TALK TO YOUR BOYS: 27 Crucial Conversations Parents Need to Have with Boys Today – and How to Start Having Them. “What’s covered is pretty different and how the subject is approached is handled very differently.”

Young men’s health groups can be particularly helpful, as they give boys a chance to discuss masculinity and relationships as well as health topics. “There’s a real hunger among boys to talk about the real issues in their lives,” Christopher says. “Teenage boys are figuring out their attitudes about sexuality and gender, so having a place to talk about the celebrity that just came out as nonbinary” is helpful, he says.

Adults with work with teenage boys should lead with curiosity and give boys space to express their thoughts and opinions. “Coming at someone with criticism, even if they’ve said something offensive” is not as helpful as asking questions, such as What do you mean by that? Adults who listen with genuine curiosity are better positioned to then provide additional context and feedback.

Contrary to popular belief, “Boys have a lot of capacity and interest in talking about emotions and relationships,” Christopher says. “Boys are really hungry for those kinds of conversations and interested in exploring their values and ideas.” Unfortunately, many boys don’t get the opportunity to discuss those topics in a deep and rich way with their peers or caring adults. Prioritizing those conversations is one important thing adults can do to support boys’ health and development.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Christopher discuss:

• The current state of health education
• Creating safe spaces for boys to talk and learn
• Modeling healthy communication skills
• Getting boys to talk to you
• Talking to boys about racist or homophobic slurs
• The need for more males in education & caring careers

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Teen Health Today — Christopher’s Substack newsletter

mrhealthteacher.com — Christopher’s website

Teacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play — ON BOYS episode

cdc.gov/healthyyouth/index.htm — CDC site with links to adolescent and school health resources (including the Health Education Curriculum Analysis Tool (HECAT)

amaze.org — health, relationship, and sex education material (great to share w your kids!)

The New Drug Talk — website w resources to talk about fentanyl

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

Use code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

Our Sponsors:
* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do you make space for a teenage boy to make his own mistakes?

Photo by olia danilevich via Pexels

Especially when said teenager is frustrating, annoying, and contributing to family chaos?

Sandra said:

Teenager years are frustrating — wanting to tell him what do, yet I know he needs to make his own mistakes. Throw in toddler boy hitting/screaming at his brother….

She is definitely not the only parent wondering how to deal with a teen boys & balance the needs of siblings! That’s we tackled her question first in this edition of ON BOYS Listener Q & A.

“It can be really hard to step back and let things unfold — let your teen be the one that has to navigate,” Janet says. She recommends talking about that with your teen. Say something like, “It is really hard to watch you make mistakes. I am here for you. I trust that you can figure this out on your own. And if need help, I am here.”

Other listener questions include:

My sons turned 18 yesterday and are in their last year of high school! I understand the natural and necessary pulling away from parents (especially moms) and establishing themselves as men. Is it possible to release them vs. them tearing away? If so, what does that look like?

and

How & what do you prioritize? I’m a single mom with 3 sons. I can’t do homework, home cooked meals, sports practice and read with them every night, so what to prioritize, who to prioritize and what to let go?

and

Should I punish the boys by taking away screen time if they get bad grades? Taking away screens is the only punishment that works.

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:

• Parenting teen & toddler boys
• Launching teenagers & young adult men
• “Soiling the nest”
• Asking for help
• How to create a dinner co-op
• Dealing with “bad grades”
• Nurturing connection

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Listener Q & A: Supporting Sibling Relationships, Finding Common Ground, & More — Jan. ’23 ON BOYS episode

Puberty, Perimenopause, & Midlife Parenting — ON BOYS episode

The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) — ON BOYS episode

More Wisdom from Teacher Tom — ON BOYS episode

How to Build Your Village — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

 

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

Use code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.

Our Sponsors:
* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Have you heard of autonomy-supportive parenting? 

Essentially, it’s the opposite of helicopter parenting. It’s a parenting style that allows, supports, and encourages kids to make decisions and take action. And unlike helicopter parenting, which demands near-constant parental activity, autonomy-supportive parenting also supports parental rest (and can reduce burnout).

“Intensive parenting is not good for our kids. They need the freedom to explore and experiment, and this is where stepping back and sitting on the couch to read a magazine, instead of playing Legos with your child, is okay,” says says Emily Edlynn, a child psychologist & mom of three who is also the author Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children. 

Self-Determination Theory is the Foundation for Autonomy-Supportive Parenting

According to self-determination theory, all humans have 3 fundamental needs:

1. Autonomy, or the ability to make decisions for one’s self
2. Competence
3. Relatedness

When those needs are met, we feel good about life. And about ourselves. Autonomy-supportive parenting focuses on nurturing those 3 fundamental needs in our children, Emily says. At times, to observers, it may look like autonomy-supportive parents are ignoring their child’s needs. They’re not; they’re observing and giving their children an opportunity to test and develop their skills. To develop competence and confidence, children need room to fail, get upset, process their emotions, and try possible solutions.

Autonomy-Supportive Parenting in Action.

“This is a flexible framework, not a prescription,” Emily says. Parents can and should tweak their approach according to the unique needs and personality of the family and its individual members.

Contrary to what some think, autonomy-supportive parenting does not require parents to tolerate disrespect or rude behavior. It’s not about allowing children full freedom to make all decisions. In fact, parents can (& should) set & enforce family guidelines based upon family values.

“We love and accept our children for who they are; we do not have to accept all their behaviors,” Emily says. “it’s not useful to them.”

Don’t take your child’s words or behavior personally.

“Kids are going to do things we don’t like. That’s part of growing up,” Emily says.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Emily discuss:

• What is autonomy-supportive parenting?
• The link between control, competence, & confidence
• Autonomy & interdependence
• “Lazy parenting”
• An autonomy-supportive approach to screen time, gaming, & social media
• Setting boundaries for respectful communication
• What to do when your child says “I hate you”
• School struggles
• Believing your son’s value beyond academics
• How cultural expectations affect parenting

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children, by Emily Edlynn

www.emilyedlynnphd.com — Emily’s website

The Art & Science of Mom — Emil’s Substack

Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males — Jen’s book

Gemma Gaudette Talks About Raising Boys — ON BOYS episode

Positive Parenting Solutions with Amy McReady — ON BOYS episode

letgrow.org – organization founded by Lenore Skenazy (of Free Range Kids fame) that’s “leading the movement for child independence”

Psychologists Off the Clock — Emily’s podcast

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

 

Sponsor Spotlight: Factor 

Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off 

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

Use code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.

Our Sponsors:
* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, you can call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for help in the United States. Call 988 or 800-273-TALK (8255). The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is open 24 hours a day, every day. Services are also available en espanol.

AnneMoss Rogers’ son Charles was “the life of the party.” He loved dogs, people, & games. And he died of suicide at age 20.

Statistically, Charles’ story is all too common. Suicide is the second leading cause of death for 10-24 year olds, with boys and young men representing 80% of all youth suicide deaths. 22% percent of high school students reported seriously considering suicide in 2021, and 10% of youth in grades 9-12 said they’d made at least one suicide attempt. So although everything looked rosy in Charles’ life — he was one of the most popular kids in his high school, elected to Homecoming Court as a sophomore — he was struggling behind the scenes.

His family knew he had a sleep disorder and his mom suspected a mental health disorder beyond anxiety, but she didn’t detect any depression — and others brushed off her concerns.

Substance Use Can Mask Depression

Like many teens, Charles started using drugs & alcohol. What Anne didn’t realize at the time was that he was using substances to numb his pain and suicidal thoughts. He also participated in risk stunts.

“When your child starts taking all these unnecessary, scary risks, it is a sign of depression,” AnneMoss says.

Support for Parents of Struggling Teens

If you sense your child is struggling, seek support. Even if you don’t yet have a diagnosis or can’t “name” the problem. Don’t second guess yourself. “Go with your gut,” AnneMoss says. “Don’t let your brain talk you out of what you know if your gut.”

She recommends the following resources:

• NAMI — National Alliance on Mental Illness (has support groups for parents!)
• Families Anonymous — 12 step support group for family & friends of individuals with drug, alcohol or related behavioral issues
• Smart Recovery — includes in-person & virtual meetings for family & friends of addicted individuals
• CRAFT — Community Reinforcement and Family Training, which helps family members relate to individuals with addiction

“These are not groups where you sit around and you hold hands and you sing Kumbaya,” AnneMoss says. They are places where parents can share their fears freely & receive essential support and advice. “When something happens, these are the people who know the best places to take your child — who is taking appointments, who the best therapists are — because they are using those resources too.”

She encourages all parents, teachers, and others working with a struggling or troubled teen to “stick with the process.” Don’t give up; listen. Stay engaged. All struggling humans need and want to know that someone cares.

In this episode, Janet, & Anne discuss:

• Warning signs of depression & suicidal ideation
• Why you should trust your gut
• Where to get help & support
• Why you must practice asking, “Are you thinking of suicide?”
• Why tough love isn’t the necessarily the right choice
• Giving yourself credit as a parent
• Mutual care

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

mentalhealthawarenesseducation.com — Anne’s website (jam-packed with resources!)

Diary of a Broken Mind: A Mother’s Story, A Son’s Suicide, & the Haunting Lyrics He Left Behind, by Anne Moss Rogers & Charlie Rogers

Emotionally Naked: A Teacher’s Guide to Preventing Suicide & Recognizing Students at Risk, by Anne Moss Rogers & Kimberly H. McManama O’Brien 

Loving Someone With Suicidal Thoughts — ON BOYS episode

What You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide — ON BOYS episode

Troubled Boys (w Kenneth Rosen) — ON BOYS episode about wilderness therapy

Another View of Wilderness Therapy — ON BOYS episode

Lisa Damour on the Emotional Lives of Teens — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

 

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

Use code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Supporting LGBTQ+ kids helps them become healthy adults.

Jo Langford is a father, therapist, and author of The Pride Guide: A Guide to Social and Sexual health for LGBTQ Youth and Spare Me “The Talk!” (for both boy-identified and girl-identified youth). He helps kids and parents navigate sexuality, gender, media, and technology.

Supporting LGBTQ+ Kids

Rule of thumb: Never out someone. The decision to disclose (or not disclose) one’s sexual orientation is an individual one. You should not out anyone without their consent, Jo says.

Kids, however, may unintentionally or deliberately reveal private information about friends and acquaintances, and when that happens, the child whose privacy has been violated may feel distress. Sadly, some kids are still bullied for their sexual orientation or gender identity.

One of our jobs as parents is “to protect our kids,” Jo says. Unfortunately, we can’t control the behavior of others, so “one way of doing that with a queer kid is letting them know that there are places and times that may be more dangerous to you,” he says. You may need to discuss things such as potential reactions to holding hands in public in particular cities or countries.

Jo also says it’s important for parents to queer kids to become part of the queer community — to familiarize yourself with the history, culture, and traditions of the community. “Support the art and companies and jump into that with your kid,” he says.

If you’re navigating evolving gender identity, give yourself grace. Even the most accepting, supportive parents, family members, and loved ones struggle with pronouns and language, especially at first. Do your best. Apologize when you get it wrong. Educate yourself. You can even say to your child, “Tell me what words to use. What do you want me to say when I talk to other people about you?”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jo discuss:

• Supporting LGBTQ+ kids who are being bullied
• Personal pronouns, trans kids, & evolving language
• When to involve the school or other parents
• Talking about marijuana, pot, cannabis
• Why Gen Z is so anxious

 

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

behereos.net — Jo’s website, featuring his talks, speaking schedule & free downloads (including Porn: The Guide to a Healthy Grab-It Habit)

Spare Me ‘The Talk!’: A Guy’s Guide to Sex, Relationship, and Growing Up, by Jo Langford

The Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth, by Jo Langford

21st Century Sex Ed w Jo Langford –– ON BOYS episode

Which Apps are APPropriate? (w Jo Langford) — ON BOYS episode

 

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

 

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

Use code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Gender equity begins at home.

Policies matter, of course, but not as much as parenting.

Think about that for a moment. 

Parents need to think & talk about gender stereotypes and expectations because those stereotypes and expectations affect our parenting, says Shelly Vaziri Flais, a pediatrician, mom of four, and author of Nurturing Boys to Be Better Men: Gender Equality Starts at Home. Gender also affects our boys’ experiences in the world, so if we don’t consciously consider gender in our parenting — and strive for equity — we may end up intentionally perpetuating the same stereotypes that have historically limited women and men.

"It's about nurturing the child as a whole human being," Dr. Shelly says.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dr. Shelly discuss:

• Equity vs. equality
• Gender stereotypes & expectations
• Addressing parental differences regarding gender-based expectations
• Helping boys manage gender stereotypes
• Parenting 4 kids under age 4

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Nurturing Boys to Be Better Men: Gender Equality Starts at Home, by Shelly Vaziri Flais, MD

Gender Equality, Boys, & Men — ON BOYS episode

The Gender Equation in Schools — ON BOYS episode

Gender Norms Limit Boys (& Girls) — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

 

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

Use code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.

Sponsor Spotlight: Factor 

Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Boys are twice as likely as girls to be friendless in middle school. And by adulthood, 1 in 5 men say they don’t have any close friends.

Friendship matters for guys too – but clearly, boys face some unique challenges. “Boys & men have special challenges because of the image of how they’re ‘supposed to be,'” says Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, a psychologist and author who may be better known as Dr. Friendtastic. Some boys, for instance, love rough & tumble play. But 40% of boys don’t like it & may struggle to connect with other boys who like to roughhouse. Additionally, adult women (including moms and teachers) often misinterpret “play fighting” as real fighting and stop it, even though the involved boys may be forging or solidifying friendships.

“We have to be careful about being judgemental of boys’ play and boys’ imagination,” Eileen says.

Supporting Boys’ Friendships

One of our fundamental jobs as parents, Eileen says, is “teaching them how to be in relationships.”

Parents of young boys can help them connect with other children who have similar interests.You “have have a lot of influence on their social lives by creating opportunities,” she says. “Use your deep knowledge of your son & try to figure out what he enjoys doing that he can do with other kids.”

That step is especially important if your son doesn’t naturally connect with the kids in his school or neighborhood. “I always, always, always recommend multiple groups of friends, if we can manage it,” Eileen says. “The ups & downs of friendship are inevitable, and we want them to have options.”

You can also help boys understand how their actions and words contribute to conflicts, by calmly sharing your observations and asking them to share their perspective and imagine their friends’ perspective. If you son has hurt someone physically or emotionally, asking “what can you do to help him feel better?” both underscores the importance of relationship repair and helps him brainstorm ways to ease his friend’s pain.

Keep in mind: Negotiation and compromise don’t become the main way kids’ resolve conflict until age 19. That doesn’t mean you can’t work on those skills before then; you should! It means that kids will continue to need our support to navigate friendship challenges for many years.

Janet & her grandson w one of Eileen’s books

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Eileen (Dr. Friendtastic) discuss:

• Common friendship challenges for boys
• Rough & tumble play
• Helping boys connect with friends
• Managing “gun play” and “violent play”
• The importance of friendship
• Bullying
• Forgiveness guidelines
• Online friendships

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

drfriendtastic.com — includes links to the Dr. Friendtastic podcast

eileenkennedymoore.com — includes free articles, videos, & links to all of Eileen’s books

The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) — ON BOYS episode

Weapons Play is Okay — Building Boys blog post

Common Sense Guidelines for “Gun Play” — Building Boys blog post

Teaching Boys Social Skills — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

 

Sponsor Spotlight: Essential Labs

Use code ONBOYS to save 15%

Sponsor Spotlight: Factor 

Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Jen Lumanlan, author of Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection & Collaboration to Transform Your Family, believes there’s a direct link between parenting and social justice.

“The way that we raise our children — the daily interactions that we have with them that seem like they’re about discipline — actually support our children in learning about how power works in families and in our culture,” she says. “That shapes how they go out into the world and treat other people.

If we want to move toward a vision of society in which everyone belongs, everyone feels free to be their full, true, whole self, then the work to do that begins at home, in parenting.”

Easier Parenting + Powerful Change

All behavior is communication. Children’s “behavior that seems mysterious and overwhelming is communicating an unmet need. And when you can understand what that need is, you can support your child in meeting that need,” Jen says. Identifying and meeting your child’s needs can decrease conflict and increase family harmony.

Questioning the stories you tell yourself about your child’s behavior is also helpful, as these stories may be inaccurate. It’s more helpful to get curious, as open-minded curiosity can point the way toward solutions that meet both your child’s needs and your own.

“This is not just about meeting your child’s needs,” Jen says. “This is about seeing you, as the parent and caregiver, as a person that has needs. And seeing your child as a person with needs. We can hold those with equal thought, care, love, and attention.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jen discuss:

• Parenting & social justice
• The power of accepting our children as they are
• Identifying kids’ needs
• Meeting basic needs
• True respect
• Homework resistance
• Setting boundaries
• Rest & self-care

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection & Collaboration to Transform Your Family — and the World, by Jen Lumanlan

yourparentingmojo.com –– Jen’s website (includes links to her needs quiz & Your Parenting Mojo podcast as well)

Parenting, Privilege, & Building A Just World — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

 

Sponsor Spotlight: Essential Labs

Use code ONBOYS to save 15%

Sponsor Spotlight: Factor 

Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Our boys are growing up in public.

Between social media, online monitoring, and geo-tracking, our kids’ lives are public in a way ours never were when we were young. Helping kids manage this digital landscape can be a challenge for parents and adults who often worry and frequently ignore the upsides of digital life.

“24/7 access to one another is a huge source of stress.”

Feeling like you have to be accessible at all times is stressful for our kids. (And us!) But kids also enjoy positive online interactions.

“For most kids, there are aspects of their digital lives that are positive, aspects that may be more neutral, and maybe some situations that are causing them anxiety, stress, or sadness,” says Devorah Heitner, author of Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World and Screenwise: Helping Kids Survive (& Thrive) in Their Digital World. Our job as parents, she says, is to help kids figure out how to navigate their digital lives.

It’s best to start by looking and listening. Observe your child’s internet use. Ask questions, with genuine curiosity. That’s how “we can really tune into our kids’ discernment,” Devorah says.

“We really need to know what our kids think about the group text,” for instance, she says, noting that simply restricting kids’ access to a group text at the first sign of “inappropriate” language or behavior takes away kids’ opportunity to evaluate and decide which conversations are healthy and which are toxic. “It’s often better if they make their own decisions because we’re not going to be there when they get that workplace Slack that’s a little toxic. We need them to be able to make choices.”

One thing we can do to support our kids is to remind them that they always have permission to leave uncomfortable interactions.

Mentoring vs. monitoring

Constantly monitoring our kids’ online interactions and physical whereabouts is stressful for us. You may be able to improve your mental well-being by letting go of the need to always know where your child is and what he’s doing.

“Your own mental health & mental load need to take priority,” Devorah says. “It’s important not to get too involved but be there for the big picture.”

It’s almost always a bad idea to digitally surveil your kids’ without their knowledge. It is much more powerful to establish boundaries and expectations together. Discuss concerns. Brainstorm ways to to satisfy your mutual concerns.

Responding to mistakes

Kids (and adults) do dumb things online. Instead of coming down harshly, take a moment to a) remember that kids’ brains are still developing and b) consider the context. Overreacting is almost never helpful, Devorah says.

“We have to remember that a lot of things, in the moment, can seem funny to the adolescent brain,” she says. Teens also tend to overestimate the rewards & under-estimate the risks of their actions. They need us to support and empathize with them.

Helping our kids navigate the digital world “is not easy,” Devorah admits. It helps to remember that “you’re not alone, and you can talk to other people about it.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Devorah discuss:

• Coping with our fears of the internet & social media
• Why eliminating your kid’s access to the social media may not be a good idea
• Guiding kids through online interactions
• Mentoring vs. monitoring
• The “Right to Be Forgotten“
• Kids’ “rules” for social media use & digital sharing
• Kids’ vs. parents’ concerns about growing up in public
• Respecting kids’ privacy online

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World, by Devorah Heitner

devorahheitner.com — Devorah’s website

The Fight for Your Kids’ Brains Has Already Begun — NYT newsletter referenced in this conversation

Managing Screen Time –– ON BOYS episode

Screenwise: Helping Kids Survive (& Thrive) in Their Digital World — Devorah’s first book

Screens & Boys — ON BOYS episode

Raising Kids to Thrive in a Connected World w Jordan Shapiro — ON BOYS episode

iGen – ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

 

Sponsor Spotlight: Essential Labs

Use code ONBOYS to save 15%

Sponsor Spotlight: Factor 

Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off 

Sponsor Spotlight: Smart for Life

Use code ONBOYS20 for 20% off your next order

Our Sponsors:
* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do you calm the chaos in your household?

Big emotions, power struggles, and challenging behaviors can create (& feed!) chaos, affecting the entire family. And it’s next to impossible for anyone to operate at their best in a constant state of chaos.

“I felt like an absolute failure for the first seven years” of parenting, says Dayna Abraham, author of Calm the Chaos: A Fail-Proof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids. “The calls from school were coming daily. My son was kicked out of school more days than he was in school.”

Roadmap to Calm

There are 5 steps (or stages) on the roadmap to calm, Dayna says:

1. Ride the storm. In this stage, you hunker down instead of trying to fix or solve. “Instead of ‘doing,’ you are literally just getting to safety.” she says. (Note: What is a Category 3 storm for you may be a Category 1 storm for someone else, and that’s okay. Ride out the storm!)
2. Time & energy reserves. Most people want to skip this stage and move straight to problem-solving. But if you don’t refill your energy reserves, you will not have the energy or stamina required to move forward. This stage is about building small habits that boost your energy – & removing things that drain you.
3. The moment. This is when you start thinking about how you’re going to respond when certain behaviors or situations arise. It’s when you figure out, “How do I show up that diffuses that situation faster and minimizes damage?” Dayna says. “How do I stay connected & curious in the moment?” Resist the urge to catastrophize.
4. Stop storm chasing. Now, you can get ahead of the “chaos causer” — the topic or issue that’s triggering a lot of stress and chaos. Focus on ONE THING, and work collaboratively with your child to address it.
5. Teamwork. Get the whole family together to create an “ecosystem” that supports calm. Discuss each of your unique needs and figure out how you can support one another. During this stage, kids learn how to pay attention to each other’s needs, struggles, likes, and dislikes. “When you can understand and predict each other’s ups and downs, things get a lot easier,” Dayna says.

Unfortunately, “a lot of the advice out there starts at what I call Stage 4 or Stage 5,” Dayna says. What happens when you jump to problem-solving — & skip the first three stages — is that you and your kids aren’t ready for change & you all quickly become overwhelmed.

 

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dayna discuss:

• Unhelpful online parenting advice
• Parenting challenging boys
• How catastrophizing affects our parenting
• Managing our body language and tone of voice
• Why you should greet your son like a puppy
• The 1-1-1 strategy that can help you respond in the heat of the moment

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Calm the Chaos: A Fail-Proof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids, by Daya Abraham

calmthechaosbook.com — includes links to Dayna’s bonus material

lemonlimeadventures.com — Dayna’s website

Constant Chaos Parenting w ADHD — ON BOYS episode

How to Be an Unflustered Mom — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

 

Sponsor Spotlight: Essential Labs

Use code ONBOYS to save 15%

Sponsor Spotlight: Factor 

Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off 

Sponsor Spotlight: Smart for Life

Use code ONBOYS20 for 20% off your next order

Our Sponsors:
* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Dr. Lisa Damour is our go-to expert regarding the emotional lives of teens. 

She is a psychologist & author of The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents, and although her previous two books were a deep dive into the world of girls, she gets boys. Consider this sentence:

If a boy “doesn’t feel that he has permission to let people know he’s hurting, it’s a good bet that he will discharge his unwanted emotions by acting out.”

That one sentence – found on page 52 of the hardcover edition of her book – explains so much: Boys’ behavior at school. Door slamming, name calling and rule-breaking at home. Neighborhood fights that escalate into violence.

“Gender is such a huge force in how gender is expressed, and perhaps even in how emotion is experienced,” Lisa says. And when it comes to emotions, boys in our culture “are absolutely cornered and given so little room to work,” she says. Girls enjoy a “wide emotional highway,” with a lot of latitude to feel and express an array of emotions, while “boys are given a two-lane highway.”

Parents, teachers, and others who want to expand boys’ emotional expression, however, need to understand and respect the barriers boys face in their lives. Boys (still) pay a social price when they don’t adhere to the cultural script. Crying may be a natural, human emotion, but in most places, a 5th grade boy who cries at school will face uncomfortable social pressure and may be ridiculed. However, understanding the pressures boys face in society doesn’t mean we have to allow or tolerate rude, hateful, or unkind language or behavior. We can (and should) set expectations.

Making Space for Boys’ Emotional Expression

One thing Lisa realized, while writing her book, is how strongly our cultural seems to prefer verbal expressions of emotion over physical expression. Many boys & men (and some girls, women, and nonbinary folks) use physical activity to express and process their emotions Shooting basketball hoops, running laps, or banging on an old filing cabinet are perfectly acceptable ways to discharging and expressing emotion.

“If it brings relief and does no harm, it’s a good coping strategy,” Lisa says, noting that many boys also use music to express and regulate emotions.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Lisa discuss:

• Why we must consider gender when talking about & teaching emotional regulation
• The role of men in helping boys express feelings
• How boys police each others’ emotional expression
• Establishing expectations and boundaries
• Bullying
• Codeswitching
• Why it “sucks to be a 6th grade boy”
• Supporting boys’ interests
• Constructive conflict
• Setting the stage for successful conversations w boys
• Expanding boys’ emotional toolkit

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

drlisadamour.com – Lisa’s website

The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents — Lisa’s latest book (get the free parent discussion guide here)

Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting  – podcast hosted by Lisa Damour & Reena Ninan

Teen Boys’ Emotional Lives — ON BOYS episode

Managing Emotions — ON BOYS episode

Nonverbal Communication with Boys — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

 

Sponsor Spotlight: Smart for Life

Use code ONBOYS20 for 20% off your next order

Sponsor Spotlight: Herbal-zzZs 

Use code ONBOYS25 to save 25% site-wide

Sponsor Spotlight: Essential Labs

Use code ONBOYS to save 15%

Sponsor Spotlight: Factor 

Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Crisis and catastrophe no longer seem so rare.

There were 51 school shootings that resulted in injury or death in 2022. Wildfires are destroying communities and affecting air quality. Hurricanes, heat, infectious disease (malaria is back in the U.S & COVID-19 infections are rising), increasing rates of depression and suicide…it’s a lot. And that’s on top of the now-typical anxiety many parents and kids feel about school and sports performance.

“We, as parents and caregivers of kids, are constantly confronted by the low to loud crises and catastrophic conditions in our lives,” says Stephanie Malia Krauss, author of Whole Child, Whole life: 10 Ways to Help Kids Live, Learn, & Thrive. The question we’re faced with is, How do we support kids in challenging times? 

Whole Child, Whole Life Approach to Thriving

Parents & educators can take comfort in the fact that there are core practices that support health, healing, learning, & development, all at the same time. Work on these 5 categories:

1. Safe & supported. Physical and emotional safety are essential to kids’ well-being. How can you help your child feel safe & supported? (The answer may be different for each child.)
2. Rooted & connected. Do your children feel connected to and valued within a community? Do they feel settled?
3. Healthy & healing. How is your child’s physical and emotional health? Is he getting the support he needs for his body & brain? Sleep? Exercise? Nutrition?
4. Learning & growing. Novelty is actually a basic need for children, Stephanie says. Support & encourage kids’ curiosity, imagination, and learning.
5. Living with joy & purpose. Does your child’s life include joy & purpose? How can you include more joy & purpose?

“Those five conditions of thriving will protect and support a kid even in catastrophe or crisis,” Stephanie says. She reminds parents that “we have so much power to create conditions that will help our kids weather adversity.”

Taking time to meet your own needs is another way you can help your kids thrive. “Thriving begets thriving,” Stephanie says, “and it is even more contagious than anxiety.”

In this episode, Jen & Stephanie discuss:

• Navigating ever-changing, new challenges
• Managing our anxiety
• Hyper- and hypo-alertness as response to stress
• “Customizing calm”

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

“Whole Child, Whole Life” w Stephanie Malia Krauss — ON BOYS episode

Whole Child, Whole Life: 10 Ways to Help Kids Live, Learn, & Thrive, by Stephanie Malia Krauss

stephaniemaliakrauss.com — Stephanie’s website

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

 

Sponsor Spotlight: Smart for Life

Use code ONBOYS20 for 20% off your next order

Sponsor Spotlight: Herbal-zzZs 

Use code ONBOYS25 to save 25% site-wide

Sponsor Spotlight: Factor 

Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

What do college students think about masculinity? About fatherhood? About the trauma & violence faced by men in society?

Kevin Roy, a family science professor at the University of Maryland (& father of 3 sons), encourages his students to discuss these topics (& more) in his popular class, “Man Up.”

“Young women come in saying, ‘what is going on with guys?'” Kevin says. “The young men who take the course are really interested in exploring different ways of thinking about, ‘what is it to be guy?'”

Discussing “Toxic Masculinity”

A lot of people enter the class with the impression that “masculinity is toxic. That men, by nature, do horrible things,” Kevin says, noting that many students (both male and female) have had negative experiences with men prior to his class.

He uses a public health lens to help students explore the idea that, “Men aren’t toxic by nature or nurture. What’s toxic is men’s choices and behaviors that are harmful.” He helps students explore and understand the threats men face to their masculinity, as well as the ways men may respond.

One thing many students don’t understand at the beginning of class is that “men never feel safe in their masculinity,” Kevin says. “They’re always challenged; you always have to earn it and you can always be called out.”

Helping Boys Consider Fatherhood

Modeling may be the best way to help boys understand the roles and responsibilities of fatherhood, Kevin says, noting that it’s most helpful if boys see fathers engaged in the gamut of parenting — feelings and all.

“If we want our boys to be that way, we have to be that way with them now,” he says. Exposure to men in caregiving roles outside of the house — teacher, childcare provider, nurse — are also helpful.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kevin discuss:

• Young people’s hunger to discuss masculinity
• The diversity of the fatherhood experience
• Threats to masculinity
• Body image pressure
• Boys’ friendships
• Making space for dads to connect
• Marriage and fatherhood

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

• We Must Expand that Definition of Masculinity for White, Cisgender Men: ‘Ted Lasso’ Offers a Guide – Baltimore Sun op-ed by Kevin
• Nurturing Dads: Fatherhood Initiatives Beyond the Wallet, by by William Marsiglio & Kevin Roy 
• Body Image, Eating Disorders, and Boys — ON BOYS episode
• Gender Equality, Boys, & Men — ON BOYS episode with Richard V. Reeves
• Dads Matter (w Marion Hill) — ON BOYS episode
• The New Masculinity — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

 

Sponsor Spotlight: Smart for Life

Use code ONBOYS20 for 20% off your next order

Sponsor Spotlight: Factor 

Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off 

 

Sponsor Spotlight: TonieBox

Use code ONBOYS to save 15%

 

 

Sponsor Spotlight: Herbal-zzZs 

Use code ONBOYS25 to save 25% site-wide

Our Sponsors:
* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

You don’t want to raise an asshole. 

None of us do!

Melinda Wenner Moyer, a science journalist, author, and mom of two, says that science can show us the way. In 2021, she published How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes: Science-Based Strategies for Better Parenting – from Tots to Teens.

Melinda is up front about the fact that raising a non-asshole is a long term project. Kids, she notes, are supposed to be assholes sometimes.

“We feel like — and I think that sometimes society tells us — that ‘good parenting’ is kids that are always obedient, never speak unless spoken to, and never break the rules,” she says. “And that is so not true.”

Kids’ brains are still developing, so it takes time for them to develop impulse control. Additionally, skills — including social and interpersonal skills — are learned over time.

Over-Reacting to Boys’ “Bad” Behavior Doesn’t Help

In our quest to raise non-assholes, many of us are quick to react when young boys say or do something sexist or racist. And while it’s correct to call out the behavior, a harsh, punitive response is not necessarily the best choice.

“Ultimately, in these moments, what we want to be doing is teaching out kids. We want to use this as an opportunity for growth,” Melinda says. “And if we come down really hard — how dare you say that! — that angry sort of reaction can cause boys to shut down. They then go into defensive mode and/or shame; they feel shame for having said it. That makes is really hard for them to be able to engage in a conversation and really be able to learn.”

A better approach is to take a deep breath and then start with a question like, What do you mean by that? Then, dig a bit deeper: “I want to hear a little more about that.” Add historical and cultural context as needed, and help your son consider other perspectives.

The tendency to harshly punish boys’ mistakes is often counter-productive. Boys need consequences and compassion, not punishment and shame.

Supporting Boys’ Friendships

Humans thrive when they’re part of caring communities. Friendships are an important part of that, but a lot of boys (and men) say they don’t have anyone they can confide in.

Boys, like girls, “crave connection,” and young boys typically form close, loving bonds with their friends. But over time, most boys’ friendships become more superficial, less intimate. “The irony,” Melinda says, “is that they’re pulling away from their friends to be accepted as a boy.”

It’s important to remember, though, that male friendships may look different than female friendships. Boys & men may express intimacy intimacy and connection differently than most girls and women – and that’s okay.

“We really have to trust our own instincts in parenting because we know more than we think we do,” Melinda says.

In this episode, Jen & Melinda discuss:

• The genesis of Melinda’s book, How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes
• Why asshole-y behavior is perfectly normal (and developmentally appropriate) as kids grow
• Allowing kids to see our imperfection & vulnerability
• Responding to offensive, sexist, racist, & misogynistic comments
• Why lying is an important developmental milestone
• Natural & logical consequences
• Male loneliness & friendship
• Using TV shows & pop culture to discuss values & behavior

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes: Science-Based Strategies for Better Parenting – from Tots to Teens, by Melinda Wenner Moyer

Is My Kid the Asshole? – Melinda’s Substack newsletter

The Epidemic of Male Loneliness — one of Melinda’s Substack newsletter posts

Ending Sexual Violence by Raising Better Boys — Slate article by Melinda

Sexism Starts in Childhood — Slate article by Melinda

How to Raise a Decent Human Being — BuildingBoys post

The Truth About Raising Teen Boys — BuildingBoys post (first line: “Are all fourteen year old boys assholes?“)

Just Don’t Be an Asshole (w Kara Kinney Cartwright) — ON BOYS episode

Phyllis Fagell Discusses Middle School Superpowers — ON BOYS episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

 

Sponsor Spotlight: Factor 

Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off 

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

Use code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.

Sponsor Spotlight: Smart for Life

Use code ONBOYS20 for 20% off your next order

 

Sponsor Spotlight: Herbal-zzZs 

Use code ONBOYS25 to save 25% site-wide

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

What do boys need to know about birth, babies, and breastfeeding? 

A lot more than we’re currently teaching them. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC), 83.2% infants born in 2019 (the last year for which data is available) started out receiving some breast milk, and 78.6% were receiving any breast milk at 1 month. At 6 months, 55.8% of infants received any breast milk and 24.9% received breast milk exclusively. Breastfeeding rates tend to decline over time due to systemc medical and cultural barriers, says Lo Nigrosh, a birth doula and a international board certified lactation consultant.

Think about it: Boys who don’t learn about birth, babies, or breastfeeding grow up into men who who don’t understand birth, babies, or breastfeeding. Some will become fathers who unwittingly undercut their partners’ confidence. Some will become employers and legislators who pass policies and laws that don’t consider the realities of birth and infant feeding.

“Unless we specifically teach boys about breastfeeding” and birth, then they aren’t going to know about it or be able to provide the physical, logistical, and emotional support their future spouses, partners, and friends may need, says Lo, who also hosts The Milk Making Minutes podcast. Guys “aren’t just going to magically understand milk supply once they become adults, if we don’t start this education early and don’t expose them to all types of baby feeding.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Lo discuss:

• Why boys need to know about birth, babies & breastfeeding
• How to talk to & teach boys about breastfeeding and other infant feeding techniques
• Supporting boys who play with dolls and mimic breastfeeding
• Teaching boys about menstruation & female reproduction
• Why robotic babies may not be the best way to teach boys (or girls) about families & infant care

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Milk Making Minutes podcast — Lo’s podcast

www.quabbinbirthservices.com – Lo’s website

Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males — Jen’s book

Secrets of the Elephants — documentary series

Buffy & Big Bird breasfeeding clip

Sponsor Spotlight: Better Help

Therapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%

 

Sponsor Spotlight: Herbal-zzZs 

Use code ONBOYS25 to save 25% site-wide

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

Use code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.

 

Sponsor Spotlight: Factor 

Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Raising Empowered Athletes, by former D1 athlete Kirsten Jones, is the book parents need to navigate today’s youth sports culture.

Kids do not need to begin formal sports instruction in preschool, and they don’t need to specialize in a single sport in order to succeed or excel, Kirsten says. In fact, she recommends that kids “try everything” — all kinds of active, physical pursuits, including dance and solo sports – up until age 14 or so. Before that, sports participation should focus on the 3Fs:

1. Friends
2. Fun
3. Fundamentals

Parents should also resist FOMO, the fear of missing out. Even if other families are opting for elite, travel teams, “you have to do what’s best for your family,” Kirsten says. “It’s a family values discussion. What do you value?”

Supporting Boys’ Athletic (& Human) Development

It can be hard to find coaches and teams that will support your son’s long-term development. Many teams (and coaches) are focused on winning at present, and may not have the time, resources, desire, or skills to nurture the development of boys who are undersized or still developing. You can support your son by finding ways to keep him physically engaged and working toward his long-term goals. Ideally, you’ll find him a coach (or coaches) who will value his determination, dedication, and skills. That, Kirsten admits, can be difficult.

Helping your son connect with a mentor — another boy who’s a few years or a level ahead of him, athletically — is one way to support his athletic development. “It’s really powerful,” Kirsten says, “to hear a peer say, I’ve been there, I’ve overcome that injury.'” Mentoring a younger athlete also helps older boys develop their skills and confidence.

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kirsten discuss:

• How youth sports got so out of control
• Resisting early specialization & FOMO
• Encouraging physical activity
• Helping kids advocate for themselves
• Supporting late bloomers in sports
• Healthy sports parenting
• How parents undermine kids’ confidence & skill development

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

Raising Empowered Athletes: A Youth Sports Parenting Guide for Raising Happy, Brave, and Resilient Kids, by Kirsten Jones

Raising Athletes podcast

kirstenjonesinc.com — Kirsten’s website

Whole Child Sports: An Alternative to Toxic Youth Sports Culture — ON BOYS episode

Linda Flanagan: Youth Sports are Out of Control — ON BOYS episode

Healthy Sports Parenting — ON BOYS episode

Stephen Curry: Underrated — Apple TV show mentioned in episode

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

Use code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.

Sponsor Spotlight: Herbal-zzZs 

Use code ONBOYS25 to save 25% site-wide

Our Sponsors:
* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Middle school students are “superheroes in the making,” says Phyllis Fagell, a school counselor, mom, and author of Middle School Superpowers: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times.

If that sounds crazy to you, consider this: middle schoolers and superheroes “both get catapulted out of a world they know and sent on a jarring (& occasionally scarring) journey. At the start…they’re strangers to themselves and can feel as if their own bodies have betrayed them,” Phyllis says.

Middle School Boys Need Time to Mature

Remember: boys’ mature cognitively, physically, and emotionally at a different pace than girls. Generally speaking, boys take longer to mature, so it’s not fair (or helpful) to expect tween boys to consistently think, act, and behave in a mature manner. Many middle school-aged boys have difficulty regulating their emotions, organizing their spaces and time, and communicating with others, but that doesn’t mean those same boys won’t grow up to be amazing humans. They simply need time to grow — and appropriate love and support.

“Middle school boys are not the final product,” Phyllis says. “Their skills are still developing, they’re still figuring out who they are, and what they need and can give. Our job is to approach them with curiosity, rather than judgment.”

“Super Bounce” & How Boys Can Learn From Mistakes

Although their actions and behavior may suggest otherwise, “every middle school boy wants to do the right thing, wants to be seen as capable and kind and compassionate,” Phyllis says. “They do not want adults [or their peers] to think poorly of them.”

Their impulsivity and immaturity sometimes (maybe even often) leads them to behave in ways that hurt others (or themselves). While it’s important to not shield boys from the consequences of their actions, punishment is not the best way to help middle school boys learn from mistakes or poor choices.

“If you are too harsh or punitive — especially if the consequence doesn’t match or have any kind of logical connection to whatever the mistake was — that kid is going to get stuck in shame,” Phyllis says. “We want them to learn, not get so stuck or paralyzed that they can’t learn.”

Instead of berating boys for their actions, encourage self-reflection and restitution. One question that can help boys self-reflect on their behavior: Were you your best self? 

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Phyllis discuss:

• Tween development – & how today’s tweens are different than their predecessors
• Setting tweens up for success
• Supporting boys’ friendships
• A boys who sneaks out of bed to play video games
• 
  
• An app to help tweens develop their superpowers

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

PhyllisFagell.com — Fagell’s online home. Includes blog posts and links to her speaking schedule.

Middle School Superpowers: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times, by Phyllis Fagell

Middle School Matters: The 10 Skills Kids Need to Thrive in Middle School & Beyond, by Phyllis Fagell

Middle School Matters with Phyllis Fagell — ON BOYS episode

The Gender Equation in Schools — ON BOYS episode featuring Jason Ablin (who’s mentioned by Phyllis in this episode)

Sponsor Spotlight: Herbal-zzZs 

Use code ONBOYS25 to save 25% site-wide

 

 

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Body image concerns and eating disorders affect boys too. 

As many as 75% of adolescent boys are dissatisfied with their bodies. 3% are now using steroids in an attempt to alter their bodies, 7% use supplements, and a 2019 study found that 1 in 5 guys aged 18-24 had an eating disorder due to a desire to enhance muscles.

Boys, like girls, need help developing a healthy body image and healthy habits.

Eating Disorders May Be Missed in Boys

To date, the “vast majority of body image and eating disorder research has focused on thinness and weight loss, particulary in females. Very few people are doing research on or have a great understanding of body image pressures for boys, which often drive young people to be more muscular, bigger, and bulkier,” says Jason Nagata, MD, MSc, associate professor of pediatrics in the division of adolescent and young adult medicine at UC – San Francisco.

While still in medical school, Nagata met a 16 year old boy who was a wrestler.

“He’d been suffering for years, checking his weight and himself in the mirror several times a day. His parents thought something wasn ‘t right, so they brought him in to his primary care pediatrician, who eventually brought him into the eating disorder clinic,” Nagata said.

Two-and-half-years, however, had elapsed before the boy was diagnosed with an eating disoder, and during that time, he “suffered a lot and had some pretty serious medical complications that required hospitalization,” Nagata says.

At the time, there was “almost nothing in the literature” about boys & eating disoders, and the guidelines for medical management of eating disorders focused on girls & women.

Eating disorders in boys & men may also be missed because many unhealthy behaviors — such as fasting for 24 hours or sweating off water weight — are “completely normalized” in certain sports

How Eating Disorders Present in Boys

“Because the masculine ideal has become increasingly large and muscular, many boys are doing muscle-enhancing behaviors” to try to achieve that, Jason says.

Signs of an eating disorder in boys may include:

• Overconsumption of protein while restricting carbs & fat
• Using supplements to increase muscularity
• Excessive or compulsive exercise

Finding Help for Eating Disorders & Body Image Concerns

If you suspect your son may struggle with disordered eating or excessive exercise, schedule an appointment with your son’s primary care provider.

Unfortunately, “there’s a lack of training on eating disorders in general, and even more so for eating disorders in boys and men,” so you may need to very explicitly share your concerns and suspicions with your provider, and advocate for appropriate assessment.

In this episode, Jen & Jason discuss:

• The 3 biggest influences on boys’ body image
• How eating disorders present in boys
• Conditions that may predispose boys to muscle dysmorphia and eating disorders
• Seeking help for eating disorders
• Protein overconsumption
• Dietary supplements
• Supporting healthy habits
• Long-time health impact of eating disorders

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

nagatalab.ucsf.edu — Nagata Lab website (includes links to research & news articles about eating disorders in boys & men, screentime in adolescents & young adults, & much more)

Helping Boys Develop Healthy Body Image — ON BOYS episode

Boys & Body Image — ON BOYS episode

Boys Get Eating Disorders Too — ON BOYS episode

National Eating Disorder Association — includes links to help

 

Sponsor Spotlight: TonieBox

Use code ONBOYS to save 15%

Sponsor Spotlight: Essential Labs

Use code ONBOYS to save 15%

Sponsor Spotlight: Indipop

Subscription-based healthcare

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

Use code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Yes, you can be an unflustered mom.

Identifying your anxiety style is the first step, says Amber Trueblood, a mom of four boys (currently ages 10, 12, 14, & 15) and author of The Unflustered Mom: How Understanding the Five Anxiety Styles Transforms the Way We Parent, Partner, Live, and Love.

“Anxiety is not one-size-fits-all. It doesn’t look the same for everybody,” Amber says. “What you’re trigged by is going to be different for what triggers someone else emotionally.”

Five Anxiety Styles

Amber says there are 5 primary anxiety styles:

1. The Fighter. Fighters “see themselves as survivors and protectors,” Amber says. They are compelled to act if they perceive a problem, and tend be more comfortable in chaos & challenge than in peace.
2. The Visionary. Visionaries are all about making a deep impact on the world. They feel anxious when others don’t understand (or see) their vision, or when life events prevent progress.
3. The Dynamo. Dynamos want achievement, recognition, and respect. They tend to be do-ers.
4. The Executive. Executives are driven by the need to feel emotionally safe. They are forward-thinking planners and organizers.
5. The Lover. Lovers are driven by relationships. They want and need to feel loved, appreciated, and valued.

Each has different emotional triggers and responds best to differing interventions and coping strategies. Each also has superhero traits that you can harness.

Learning how to manage your anxiety style can help you be a better, more effective parent.

“The more that you can be unflustered, the better you’re going to sleep and take care of your physical health. You’ll be able to think more clearly and respond more thoughtfully, consciously, and purposefully in every area of your life,” Amber says.

“You can have all the best parenting tools on the planet, but if you’re walking around like a cyclone of emotional instability, fear, anger, regret, and self-doubt, it’s really hard to be the best parent you can be.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Amber discuss:

• The 5 anxiety styles
• Coping strategies tailored to your anxiety style
• Life lessons for each anxiety style
• Jen & Janet’s anxiety styles
• How managing your anxiety can make you a better parent

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

The Unflustered Mom: How Understanding the Five Anxiety Styles Transforms the Way We Parent, Partner, Live, and Love –– Amber’s book

ambertrueblood.com — Amber’s website (includes the quiz to identify your anxiety style)

Mathew Blades on Healing Generational Trauma — ON BOYS podcast

Sponsor Spotlight: Indipop

Subscription-based healthcare

 

Sponsor Spotlight: McEvoy Ranch

Use code ONBOYS15 to save 15%

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Foot 

Get an exclusive offer with code BOYS20

Sponsor Spotlight: Essential Labs

Use code ONBOYS to save 15%

Sponsor Spotlight: Tonies

Use code ONBOYS to save 15%

Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Quip

Use code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.

Our Sponsors:
* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy