My Number Two

Written & performed by me - Edith Shyly

My number two…episode just for you - another dump of five poems

(0:00) Shop before you drop

(1:13) Claude

(1:29) Edith’s jobs: The Biscuit Factory

(2:52) Dumped in the bath

(4:06) Nun in a supermarket

(5:30) Outro

Poem Transcripts:

Shop before you drop

Today I shopped before I dropped

to a funeral shop I briefly popped

I popped in before I pop off

before I cough my final cough

I might have walked right past the shop

but an A-frame poster made me stop

it said JUST FOR TODAY AN END OF LINE SALE

20% OFF AND A FREE CRATE OF ALE!

well it’s never too early to plan ahead

there’ll be plenty of time to rest when I’m dead

do you want oak beech or bamboo basket

or the eco-friendly cardboard casket

silk cotton or wallpaper lining

goose-down pillows for luxury reclining?

I chose a large oak coffin with the finest cladding

with a TV and WIFI in integral padding

I said please deliver it NOW in your coffin van

I want to enjoy it while I still can!

Claude

I once had a cat I called him Claude

a good name for a cat I thought

he never clawed the sofa like I asked

just PISSED on it as he walked past

Biscuit factory

A job came up in a biscuit factory

I said now that sounds like just the job for me!

but they said no Miss you’ll be working outside

cleaning the portacabin bogs where the lorry drivers reside

they’ve been pissing and shitting around the clock

on a 24-hour rota since the year dot

we haven’t had a cleaner here for five years or more

so it’s no surprise there’s more shit here than floor

well it took three or four weeks to shift some of the poo

with a mop and a bucket the size of Peru

‘twas the only job where I’ve ever slogged

where I didn’t spend any time sitting on the bog

if you’d have seen the state of it you wouldn’t have either

for the stench was so bad it would give you a seizure

yes the risk of disease was genuinely high

I could have expired and gone to that toilet in the sky

and on my gravestone my epitaph might have read

she was a very good cleaner but now she is dead

she didn’t get any free bickies she really was misled

but she had a secret something she never said

it was spotted after her death by the Finance head

all the time she worked here she was getting double-pay

yet when we handed over her wages she neglected to say

so she won’t be in heaven she’ll be on the loo in hell

some idiot made a boo-boo I think it was Michelle

Dumped in the bath

Have you ever been dumped in the bath?

I can tell you now it's not much of a laugh

even if you weren't a girlfriend so goody

no-one deserves to be dumped in the nuddy

I’m sitting there all ARSE and TITS

when he says let’s call it QUITS

oh was it the sight of my private bits

or the overgrown hair on my muff and my pits?

I really wished I’d never got in

if we'd shared a shower we might still be a thing

with steam to obscure my hairs and skin

I’d also look a lot more thin

instead he gives me a glance so foul

and chucks me a crusty brown bobbly towel

it doesn’t look clean its a little bit manky

and it’s only the size of a dolls house hanky

I wonder should I use it to wipe my eyes

as getting dumped was a bit of a surprise

or cover my left tit or my right

or the back of my arse ‘twas all in full sight!

it’s not a dilemma you ever want to have

you'd rather be trapped in a nightclub lav

yes it put me off baths for the rest of my days

and made me dread a boyfriend’s gaze

I’ll only share a shower if the lights aren't bright

for strip lights aren’t great for my cellulite

Nun in a supermarket

Nun in a supermarket stocking up on booze

wonders which brand of gin to choose?

Gordon's? London? Tanqueray?

stick ‘em in the trolley - I haven’t got all day!

I’m busy worshiping the Trinity

ice and a slice and a shot or three!

there’s Sister Joan in the sweetie aisle!

basket full of chocolate three feet high

she’ll later chuck it up in a bag..

there’s Sister Bernie buying tons of fags!

she'll smoke herself into an early grave..

there’s Sister Anne - it's sex she craves!

she's into Father Dick - that one's depraved..

our vices we don't get to choose

chocolate fags or sex or booze?

‘tis the mystery of His master plan

like why the Pope is always a man

next week's retreat on bended knee

we'll renew our vows most piously

poverty chastity sobriety

followed by a toga foam party!

better look out for the special offers

help conserve our convent coffers

half-price packs of Monster Munch

will fill the gap since Sunday lunch

pity the heathens in the queue!

must be miserable being you

couples fighting arguing

so glad I saved myself for Him!