S02 Episode 5 - The Death Sentence

Overview

Abuda reflects on the psychological weight of medical uncertainty while awaiting a neurological diagnosis.

## Medical Journey

Abuda describes his recent efforts to seek medical certainty regarding debilitating physical symptoms. After experiencing significant pain and neurological issues, he underwent various exams in Italy, including spinal taps and electroshock therapy. 

An MRI was not possible due to a steel screw in his shoulder from 1982 of unknown material. A neurologist identified a disconnect in his neurological system, suggesting potential Multiple Sclerosis, but definitive results are pending. Will the tests confirm a specific diagnosis, or will the results remain inconclusive?

## Psychological Impact

Abuda draws parallels between his situation and the experience of a death row inmate named Robert Sullivan, noting that uncertainty is more taxing than the reality of a sentence. He discusses the internal struggle between self-doubt and the validation provided by his former partner and medical professionals.

Abuda expresses a desire to provide his daughters with certainty so they can process his condition rather than living with unresolved doubt. He notes a tendency to reframe trauma as stories, though he acknowledges the difficulty of managing acute pain, such as a recent injury to his sciatic nerve.

## Philosophical Reflections

The narrative concludes with reflections on the universality of mortality and the pursuit of truth. Abuda views the eventual diagnosis as a way to allow his family to address attachments and say what needs to be said.

He compares his wait to a jury's deliberation, seeking an "accredited" truth to end the period of denial and uncertainty for himself and his loved ones.

He hopes that, like Robert Sullivan, he might eventually find the peace that comes with knowing the truth.