Beware of the Leopard: the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Podcast

Mark, Danny and the Jons present the Hitchhiker’s Guide to getting it all done.

In our new format, each panelist writes a short essay on the given topic, in the style of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the book with the large friendly letters on the cover. Our thanks to Emma Wright (@editorialgirl) for being the voice of the Guide.

S2E8 - 1h 4m - Oct 14, 2021

Sleep

Mark, Danny and the Jons present the Hitchhiker’s Guide to getting a good night's rest.

In our new format, each panelist writes a short essay on the given topic, in the style of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the book with the large friendly letters on the cover. Our thanks to Emma Wright (@editorialgirl) for being the voice of the Guide.

S2E7 - 1h 2m - Jun 16, 2021

Towel Day 2021

To commemorate Towel Day 2021, Mark, Danny, and the Jons present the worst bits of Beware of the Leopard. These are all the bits that are normally cut from the main body of the episode and shoved to the back, to sit in shame and think about what they did. Now we're bringing them out into the light for you to judge, share, and hopefully on some level, enjoy.

New episode coming in the next couple of weeks, promise.

S2E6 - 43m - May 25, 2021

Birthdays and ageing

Mark, Danny and the Jons present the Hitchhiker’s Guide to getting on in years.

In our new format, each panelist writes a short essay on the given topic, in the style of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the book with the large friendly letters on the cover. Our thanks to Emma Wright (@ editorialgirl ) for being the voice of the Guide.

S2E6 - 1h 2m - Apr 1, 2021

Don't Panic! It's Christmas!

Mark, Danny and the Jons present the Hitchhiker’s Guide to Christmas and the new year.

In our new format, each panelist writes a short essay on the given topic, in the style of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the book with the large friendly letters on the cover. Our thanks to Emma Wright (@ editorialgirl ) for being the voice of the Guide.

Also in this episode, the panel show us their baubles, and try and find something to hope for in 2021.

S2E5 - 48m - Dec 24, 2020

The Don't Panic guide to music

Mark, Danny and the Jons present the Hitchhiker’s Guide to music.

In our new format, each panelist writes a short essay on the given topic, in the style of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the book with the large friendly letters on the cover. Our thanks to Emma Wright (@ editorialgirl ) for being the voice of the Guide.

S2E4 - 1h 5m - Dec 10, 2020

Don't Panic! goes back to school

Mark, Danny, and the Jons present their Hitchhiker’s Guide entries on a return to school, including the long dark teatime of the soul, robot school, so-called non-subjects, and homework.

S2E3 - 1h 2m - Nov 12, 2020

The Don't Panic guide to sport

Mark, Danny and the Jons present the Hitchhiker’s Guide to sport, with contributions on politics and PE, and a host of alien sporting activities sure to become major hits on Earth.

In our new format, each panelist writes a short essay on the given topic, in the style of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the book with the large friendly letters on the cover. Our thanks to Emma Wright (@ editorialgirl ) for being the voice of the Guide.

S2E2 - 52m - Aug 5, 2020

Towel Day 2020

Join Mark, Jon, Jon and Danny as they play Podcast Day, the text adventure game written by Mark.

S2E1 - 1h 23m - May 25, 2020

The Dont Panic Guide to the COVID-19 pandemic

Join Mark, Danny and the Jons as they tackle the fiddly social issues that arise from living through a global pandemic.

Each panelist – including Mark – was tasked with writing an entry for an updated version of the Hitchhiker’s Guide. Jon Hickman wrote his on virtual meetings, Bounder went Marxist, Danny tackled isolation and Mark wrote about panic.

The team also share their tips for surviving the apocalypse, whether or not you happen to know where your towel is.

Stay safe, stay indoors, listen to podcasts.

S2E1 - 1h 3m - Apr 10, 2020

42nd anniversary special

Join Mark, Danny and the Jons as they recap what they’ve been up to since our last full episode, say goodbye to a fellow Hitchhiker and Adamsify a piece of existing pop culture.

S1E68 - 46m - Mar 8, 2020

The question to the ultimate answer

Join Mark, Danny and the Jons as they attempt to solve the world’s problems and make it a good and happy place. Jon Hickman turns to pop culture, Danny says it’s all about kindness, Jon Bounds has a 19th century German philosopher to thank, and Mark’s solution, unsurprisingly, involves a lot of talking.

S1E68 - 1h 21m - Apr 17, 2019

From Zaphod Beeblebrox to Zentalquabula

Join Mark and the Jons as they finish up the last of the Zs in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Zaphod Beeblebrox

Zaphod Beeblebrox is – or was – President of the Imperial Galactic Government. His favourite mother is Alice Beeblebrox, of 108 Astral Cresent, Zoofroozelchester, Betelgeuse V.

Zaphod’s great grandfather is Zaphod Beeblebrox the Fourth. He grew an extra arm for Trillian, which took him six months.

Zarniwoop

Hidden away in a pocket universe, and played by Jonathan Price, Zarniwoop is the guy who concocted the plan, with Zaphod, to steel the Heart of Gold, in order to find out who really rules the universe.

Zarquon

The second coming of the great prophet Zarquon is highly anticipated, and finally happens at Milliways, just before the universe goes down the plug hole.

“Holy Zarquon’s singing fish!” is an expression of surprise and alarm Zaphod uses when he falls out of the giant cup on Brontitall.

Zentalquabula

On Zentalquabula are found ancient alabastrum quarries. An elegant terrace on one of the planets that was home to the Guide, was carved from this stone.

Links

S1E67 - 40m - Apr 10, 2019

From the Wormhole Disco to the Zansellquasure Flamarion Bridge Club

Join Mark, Jon and Danny as they saunter into the Z section of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Wormhole Disco

The place Zaphod and Roosta transport themselves to is the Wormhole Disco, which might as well have been called the Placeholder Club. In this disco there are nozels on the wall that spray the smell of hot sweat over everything, and the place is packed with dancing robots.

Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged

Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged was – indeed, is – one of the Universe’s very small number of immortal beings.

He’d had his immortality thrust upon him by an unfortunate accident with an irrational particle accelerator, a liquid lunch and a pair of rubber bands. The precise details of the accident are not important because no one has ever managed to duplicate the exact circumstances under which it happened, and many people have ended up looking very silly, or dead, or both, trying.

He was played by Toby Longworth in the radio series, and he’s made it his mission to insult every little being in the universe, just for something to do.

Xanthic Re-Structron Destabilised Zenon Emitters

The Xanthic Re-Structron Destabilised Zenon Emitter is just one of those throwaway lines Adams tossed in to a conversation between two robots. But if you put that combination of words into the Internet, you get this interesting question, which I’m going to pose to Danny:

If there was a drone in the sky directing some type of microwave energy into your house, would you report it to the officials or not?

Ysllodins

Ysllodins is the star around which most of the Galaxy’s major insurance underwriters live, or rather lived. As far as I can tell, this one isn’t real.

Zamphuor

Zamphuor is an unknown ingredient to add when mixing a pangalactic gargleblaster.

Zansellquasure Flamarion Bridge Club from beyond the Vortvoid of Qvarne

The Zansellquasure Flamarion Bridge Club from beyond the Vortvoid of Qvarne is a party that dines at Miliways, the restaurant at the end of the universe.

Links

S1E66 - 47m - Apr 3, 2019

From wave harmonic theory to the Wise Old Bird

Join Mark, Jon and Danny as they traverse the W section of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Wave harmonic theory of historical perception

Reason not withstanding, the universe continues unabated. Its history is terribly long and awfully difficult to understand, even in its simpler moments which are, roughly speaking, the beginning and the end. The wave harmonic theory of historical perception, in its simplest form, states that history is an illusion caused by the passage of time, and that time is an illusion caused by the passage of history. It also states that one’s perception of these illusions is conditioned by three important factors: who you are; where you are; and when you last had lunch with Zaphod Beeblebrox.

Whales

A short-lived sperm whale was brought about by the Improbability Drive on one of its first hops along the probability access.

/Where God Went Wrong/ and /Who is this God Person Anyway?/

Where God Went Wrong is, presumably, Oolon Colluphid’s first blockbuster heretical hit, and part of a trilogy that comprises this, Some More of God’s Greatest Mistakes – which you can hear about us talk in season 4, episode 2 – and Who is this God Person Anyway?.

William Franklyn

William Franklyn played the Guide in the remaining three radio series, after the death of the original voice, Peter Jones.

Wise Old Bird

The Wise Old Bird was pllayed by John le Mesurier in the second radio series. Arthur meets him on Brontital where he explains the history of the bird people, who fled the shoe event horizon, shunning their shoes and taking to the skies, vowing never to set foot on the ground again.

Links

S1E65 - 52m - Mar 28, 2019

From Vogons to Walkmans

Join Mark, Jon and Danny as they traverse the V section of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Vogon constructor fleets

Here is what to do if you want to get a lift from a Vogon: forget it. They are one of the most unpleasant races in the Galaxy – not actually evil, but bad tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. They wouldn’t even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat and recycled as firelighters.

The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your finger down his throat, and the best way to irritate him is to feed his grandmother to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.

Vogon poetry

Vogon poetry is the third worst poetry in the universe.

Vogsphere

Many, many light years from earth lies the grim and long abandoned planet, Vogsphere. Somewhere on a fetid, fog-bound mud bank on this planet there stands, surrounded by the dirty, broken and empty carapaces of the last few jeweled scuttling crabs, a small stone monument which marks the place, where it is thought, the species Vogon Vogonblurtus first arose. On the monument there is carved an arrow which points away into the fog, under which are inscribed in plain, simple letters the words “The buck stops there.”

Volluing

For the meaning of the word “vollue”, buy a copy of Squornshellous Swamptalk at any remaindered bookshop, or alternatively buy The Ultra-Complete Maximegalon Dictionary, as the University will be very glad to get it off their hands and regain some valuable parking lots.

Vroomfondel

Vroomfondel is a philosopher from Cruxwan University. In the radio series he was played by Jim Broadbent.

Walkmen

For some reason, Ford throws a bunch of Walkmens out to the crowds thronging around the ship that lands on Earth, in Mostly Harmless.

Links

S1E64 - 52m - Mar 21, 2019

From the Uncertain Areas to Vod

Join Mark and the Jons as they traverse the V section of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, with a quick final stop-off at U.

Uncertain Areas

“Wild horses thundered through the sky taking fresh supplies of reinforced railings to the Uncertain Areas”. That’s a line from the popular book The Hitchhiker’s Guide to teh Galaxy, and it describes a thing that happens aboard the starship Heart of Gold, when Ford andn Arthur are brought on-board.

Ursa Minor

Ursa Minor Beta is, some say, one of the most appalling places in the known Universe. Although it is excruciatingly rich, horrifyingly sunny and more full of won derfully exciting people than a pomegranate is of pips, it can hardly be insignificant that when a recent edition of Playbeing magazine headlined an article with the words “When you are tired of Ursa Minor Beta you are tired of life”, the suicide rate quadrupled overnight.

The Most Gratuitous Use of the Word ‘Fuck’ in a Serious Screenplay is an award you can win at the Ursa Minor Alpha Recreational Illusions Institute Awards. The trophy is the silver bail from the Wikkit Key.

Vann Harl

Vann Harl is the Guide editor that took over from Stagyar-zil-Doggo, and a canonical nightmare. In the Quintessential Phase of the radio series, Vann Harl and Zarniwhoop – who we’ll cover later – are the same person, but to my recollection that was not the case in Quintessential Phase, the book the series was based on.

Veet Voojagig

Veet Voojagig was a quiet young student at the University of Maximegalon, who pursued a brilliant academic career studying ancient philology, transformational ethics and the wave harmonic theory of historical perception, and then, after a night of drinking Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters with Zaphod Beeblebrox, became increasingly obsessed with the problem of what had happened to all the biros he’d bought over the past few years.

Vegan Rhino

Cutlets of vegan rhino meat are served by the mice to the humans, on Magrathea.

Viltvodle VI

The Jatravartid people of Viltvodle VI believe that the entire Universe was sneezed out of the nose of a being called the Great Green Arkleseizure. In the film, we meet Humma Kavula, who appoints himself a priest of the Jatravartid religion.

Viv

Viv is a planet with vicious sea creatures. It appears in Mostly Harmless and that’s all we have to go on.

Vl’hurgs

The Vl’hurgs are mortal enemies of the G’Gugvuntts.

Vod

Vod is presumably the planet where Judiciary Pag is from. It has three suns, and I say “presumaby” because we see him relax in his chambers on Vod, but don’t actually know if that’s his home planet.

Links

S1E63 - 39m - Mar 14, 2019

From Tri-D to Turlingdrome

Join Mark, Jon and Danny as they clear the T section of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Tri-D

Tri-D is Adams’ allusion to some sort of 3D TV, and is distinct from Five-D, the sub-etha, the Sense-o-Tape, the Hall of Informational Illusions and whatever other technology he created to show things to characters.

Triganic Pu

The Triganic Pu is a form of galactic currency. Its exchange rate of eight Ningis to one Pu is simple enough, but since a Ningi is a triangular rubber coin six thousand eight hundred miles across each side, no one has ever collected enough to own one Pu. Ningis are not negotiable currency because the Galactibanks refuse to deal in fiddling small change.

Trillian

Trillian is a beautiful astrophysicist, with the real name Tricia McMillan. She’s played by Susan Sheridan in the radio series, and by Zooey Deschanel in the film. She manages to convince the masters of Krikkit not to destroy the universe, and she learned how to maneuver around Hyde Park Corner on a moped.

On an Earth that was never destroyed by the Vogons, Tricia McMillan attempts to get a job with the NBS network in New York, as an anchor on the US/AM breakfast show. She regrets going back for her bag when first meeting Zaphod at that famous party in Islington. She failed the screen test for the network because she decided not to go back for her bag, thus not bringing her contact lenses which she needed to read the script and autocue. When taken to the planet Rupert by the Grebulons, she films the encounter and figures she must have faked it as part of an elabourate nervous breakdown or halicination.

Trin Tragula

“Have some sense of proportion” Trin Tragula’s wife would often say, so he built the Total Perspective Vortex, just to show her. And in one end he plugged the whole of reality, as extrapolated from a fairy cake, and in the other end he plugged his wife, where the shock annihilated her brain.

Turlingdrome

Turlingdrome. It’s a swear word. We don’t have a definition but it appears to be a derogatory term for a person, possibly a stupid person.

There’s a creative design firm in Cincinnati who’ve chosen Turlingdrome as their name, which sounds like it might be a bit like calling your company Shithead.

Links

S1E62 - 41m - Mar 7, 2019

From Thor to Transtellar Cruise Lines

Join Mark, Jon and Danny as they traverse the T section of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Tea and Douglas

What JB said about kettles isn’t entirely inaccurate, according to an American friend of Mark’s, who also has a lovely story to tell about Douglas Adams.

Thor

Thor is a thunder god. Arthur picks a fight with him over Trillian at an airborne party.

Time Traveller’s Handbook of 1001 Tense Formations

One of the major problems encountered in time travel is not that of accidentally becoming your own father or mother, but is quite simply one of grammar, and the main work to consult in this matter is Dr Dan Streetmentioner’s Time Traveller’s Handbook of 1001 Tense Formations.

Total Perspective Vortex

When you are put into the Total Perspective Vortex you are given just one momentary glimpse of the entire unimaginable infinity of creation, and somewhere in it a tiny little marker, a microscopic dot on a microscopic dot, which says “You are here.”

The man who invented it did so basically in order to annoy his wife who used to complain about him not having enough perspective.

Towels

You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal; you can wave it in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course you can dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.

Towel day events

If you’re in the Cambridge on the 25th May, you can

go on a Douglas Adams walk
hear a talk by the two remaining members of Adams’ sketh cgroup
See some Towel Day standup

Find more info at towelday.org.

Transtellar Cruise Lines

Transtellar Cruise Lines ran a liner that kept a ship in stasis for 900 years while awaiting a compliment of lemon-soaked paper napkins. Fact-fans – or pedants, as they’re more commonly known – wil know that an alternative version of the company name is Trans-Stellar Space Lines.

Links

S1E61 - 43m - Feb 28, 2019

From sun diving to Terry Jones

Join Mark and the Jons as they traverse the [letter] section of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Sun dive

Hotblack Deseato’s band has a completely black stunt ship that dives into the sun on Kakrafoon, as part of the climax of a gig.

Susan Sheridan

Susan Sheridan played Trillian in the radio series. She died in 2015, but had a good career as a voice actor with credits including Budgie the Little Helecopter and Jimbo(a personal favourite). We’re going to talk about Trillian in a few weeks, but for now, consider our caps doffed.

Swut

Swut is a swear word.

Tea

Tea is a substance that can be used to power a Finite Imrobability Generator, or for confusing a machine into giving you a substance that’s almost – but not quite – indistinguishable from it. It is now available in most megamarkets, in easy-to-swallow capsules.

Teasers

A teaser is usually a rich kid with nothing to do. They cruise around looking for planets which haven’t made interstellar contact yet and “buzz” them, which involves strutting back and forth with silly antenni on their heads and making “beep beep” noises.

Tempophone

The Tempophone is – presumably – a telephone that can make calls across various times.

Ford advises Arthur never to call himself up from the future.

Terry Jones

Terry Jones played a parrot in the Starship Titanic video game, and wrote a book called Starship Titanic, based on a video game, but apparently in a different universe from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Seems like something we should address, really.

Anyhow, he plays a parrot because Adams had discussed with Jones that most of the characters he played in Monty Python sketches and films sounded like parrots.

Links

S1E60 - 40m - Feb 21, 2019