on episode 2, we revisit ideas on friendship, familiarity and grace.

"The ultimate touchstone of friendship is not improvement, neither of the other nor of the self, the ultimate touchstone is witness, the privilege of having been seen by someone and the equal privilege of being granted the sight of the essence of another, to have walked with them and to have believed in them, and sometimes just to have accompanied them for however brief a span, on a journey impossible to accomplish alone." - David Whyte

season 3, coming to you live from the Spotify Greasy Tunes Cafe in Braamfontein.

a few months ago i challenged myself to writing 100-word stories of experiences that i was trying to process, and my tiny newsletter Stories I May Never Tell was born. i shared rhe newsletter with a small group of my friends and vowed to flesh the stories out on the podcast- the first of which is this one; vertigo. recording this episode was challenging. mouthing the words 'sexual harassment' in the same sentence as 'my friend' felt strange. but it was a story that had to be told, to set the tigers free.

in March 2021 i landed up in the ICU for a couple of days and spent a huge chunk of my time listening to Key to love (is understanding) by Badbadnotgood and Jonah Yano. although the song speaks of love in a romantic context, the key to love in all dimensions really is understanding. what greater love is there than to be understood? i felt that key unlock new avenues in the relationships i had with many people around me, then and even now.

*cue the trumpet sounds from Chance The Rapper's "Music is all we got"*

we're back baby! after a long hiatus, 5 Loaves and 2 Fish has returned for its sophomore season. fasten up and hold on tight, because we've entered the big girl league. this season is all about owning our stories and all the parts of ourselves that go along with them, to cultivate authenticity. i've been writing, thinking, talking, shooting and lazing around for these past 8 months and i can't wait for you to experience everything that i've been working on.

"although we've come, to the end of the road, still i can't let go. it's unnatural, you belong to me and i belong to you"

in the season finale of 5 Loaves and 2 Fish i look back at my year in podcasting and announce my indefinite break from podcasting. i'll be taking this time to spend time with the people and things that i love - family, friends, books, mt camera and other hobbies that i haven't had time for. this is an opportunity for rest and rejuvenation before the hustle and bustle begins again on this incessantly spinning hamster's wheel we call life.

thank you all for your unending support and commitment to 5 Loaves and 2 Fish - without you, i could not have filled all 12 of these baskets this past year.

keep well until our paths cross again, or until my sound waves meet your ears again, some day soon

love, Ayanda

i really had to fight the urge to upload a 5 second audio file of myself saying "nah, i'm too tired, see y'all next month" instead of piecing together an episode for this month. the sinusoidal nature of my academic and personal life this month have made the pod the last thing on my mind lately. but, here we are, 30 days of November through, 11 episodes down and 31 days remaining on the calendar for 2021.

in the penultimate episode of 5 Loaves & 2 Fish i explore my fatigue and subsequent burnout, as well as my relationship with my anxiety. this episode is a patchwork of my running thoughts as i sat behind the mic and penned down words that i have revisited.

from a young age, black women are stripped of their agency to navigate the world outside of the labels of "black" and "woman". in episode 10, i explore my experiences with race, the importance of listening to black women, cancel culture and all kinds of politics.

in episode 5, i recount an epiphany i had this week while i was on the bus - i'm living my childhood dream of becoming a scientist, even though this is not what i thought i would be doing a year or 2 ago.

i met 2 very interesting people this week, on campus and at Seattle, who added to this realisation and calmed some of the hears that have lingered in my mind lately. but Solo said it - dreams come a long way, not today, they're no mistake. and as Donald Glover said "keep all your dreams keep standing tall, if you are strong you cannot fall. there is a voice inside us all, so smile when you can"

one day someone needs to conduct research on the impact our grandparents have on our development and our blossoming - the stories they tell of their youth and the love they pour into us.

episode 8 is the first part of a 2 part series where I explore the lessons i learnt from my grandparents an the love we share, especially now as we all grow older, and closer - in love and understanding - and further - because of time and responsibilities. this one is for MaPenny - the strict yet tender lover of my soul whose love for me has become more apparent the more that i've leaned in to her corner and listened to what she has to say

in episode 7 i speak about the dreaded f-word: failure. one of my many high school science teachers told me the f in physics stands for fun, and every year spent learning Newton's laws, electricity circuits, optics and kinematics, i return more to those words.

in a different place in a different time, in a different set of circumstances, failing physics would have been an earth shattering matter to me. a moment when time stood still for a few minutes, followed by weeks of self-condemnation and overthinking.

instead, i have chosen to re-evaluate my relationship with failure: a weird and shaky relationship filled with unchecked expectations unwarranted fear, and shame. i have chosen to learn from this old friend of mine - a friend that i will undoubtedly come across again time and time again on this pilgrimage

in episode 6 i speak about the stagnation of my faith and how strange it feels to no longer feel as close to God as i once used to

on one of my many late nights up, i wrote myself a letter 6 months ago that i only came across again recently. in episode 5 i write back to this previous rendition of myself and leave some wisdom behind for the version(s) of myself that will follow.

autumn is such a deceptive season - everything is at the peak of its beauty even though everything is about to die.

the beauty in autumn lies in the way it epitomizes change. in the way it teaches us to slow down.

the changes in my life lately have felt a lot like autumn. awkward. untimely. strangely beautiful.

in the 4th episode of 5 Loaves and 2 Fish, there will be no talking. i couldn't find a way to materialise my feelings and thoughts into words so instead i'll let the music do the talking.

i've recently been reminded of J Cole's "Love Yourz" as i have been reflecting on the changes in my own life. on many days i've wished my life could be different. i've wished to be in a different place, to be surrounded by different people, maybe even burdened by different problems.

but for everything there is a season. everything is working out at its ordained pace. as this realisation dawned upon me more and more, i started becoming more present. i started creating small pockets of happiness for myself, doing thing more of the things i enjoy and spending time with the people i love, instead of drooling over this ideal life in some distant place or time. there really is no such thing as a life that's better than yours. so love yourz.

i made a playlist titled Autumn's Interlude on my Spotify that pretty much feels like what this month's episode should be. enjoy

in episode 3, i dissect the meaning of friendship and peel back the layers behind one of my most beloved friends, Olefile Sefele. for an hour we drew from the wells of our memories about love, loss regeneration. a lot has happened since the recording of this episode; Olefile and i are about to start uni together and we've only grown closer ever since

to Olefile: i pray that God will return all the goodness, love, loyalty and compassion that you have shown me infinitely. your heart is an ocean - there's always more room. may we grow even stronger and reach higher heights buddy <3

February 3rd is a noteworthy day on the calendar for me - my father's birthday. i've described my dad in many ways before - the ever-present love of my life, my personal Uber driver, and overall my favorite human being.

navigating both the familiarity and unfamiliarity of the people we know best is something daunting but worthwhile. ever since i first told my dad about my podcast, he has been on my neck about recording our episode together. it was strange getting to know my dad on a deeper level, but equally refreshing

my dad is not too big on gifts, so this year i decided to try something different. this second installment of 5 Loaves and 2 Fish is dedicated to him - a gift that will transcend space and time and live in my mind, his and hopefully yours too, forever.

happy birthday papa

~ Ayanda

August is the end of winter; the gray space where we begin to decide if it's warm enough to wear shorts and ditch the turtle neck - puffer jacket aesthetic. it's the time when we wait patiently for the summer rain to come again. to wash away the dust left behind by winter's bite. permeate into the earth and bring out new life. it's the time when we wait for the breath to God to substitute the dry air that's filled our lungs for what seemed like an eternity. at least that's what this August in 2019 felt like. 

2020 had a lot of strange endings. the end of high school, the grim end of the year itself, and the sudden end of my year-long relationship. in the debut episode of 5 Loaves and 2 Fish, i look back and reflect on this relationship i had with my first love. this episode is part self-catharsis and part self-examination. it took me over a month, over 4000 words, many conversations with friends, God and the lover in question to put this together.

i hope you enjoy this episode

~ Ayanda

*Pop Smoke voice* Baby welcome to the party

I finally got over my fears and my excuses and sat in front of my mic in my closet :) Here's a short intro to introduce myself and the podcast's main thematic concerns

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